HARDCORE WEEKEND BRO REDUX

I'm suffocating.

Suffocating with a ton of shit to accomplish and do. I've been a bit lazy the past month, but I guess that is okay. Today I just finished two more applications to some schools back east, tomorrow (Tuesday) I need to head over to the JC I'm suffering at and send transcript requests.

A good chunk of me wants to go to this place in Boston, I think it will be cool. But, another part of me says I'll hate it and just want to come home. I'll miss everyone at home, good times and shit while I was back, but we will see. I really didn't feel that much when I went to school for the first time. I'm always pretty frightful of what I might feel when I really don't feel "that" at all.

I'm excited cause a lot of my friends are coming home for the winter holidays. That means gnarly parties and good times to be had (yet again) - that doesn't even encompass the amount of fun that will be had on New Years.

This weekend my parents and I sat down and had a long discuss about responsibility and how to properly budget my money. I do admit I spend a bit to much sometimes and my dad and I worked out this thing to were I won't spend a certain amount each week. Just to be prepared incase I vacate for escuela again. After we had that chat, Saturday night, I went out with my homies and we dropped e again and rolled hard into the night.

I've been doing that to much, actually lately. Ecstasy. Done it three weekends in a row. My friends and I agreed that we're taking a very long break from it, just to stay safe. We all researched it continuously over the internet and surprisingly enough there are intense database/forum type sites out there that lend helpful, safe help. I obviously don't support the usage of MDMA, but it is fun.

We have been incredibly safe. Always drinking water, same roll squad, comfortable atmosphere/location, and of course good music. From there on its a big orgy fest usually, we soften up and share secrets and talk about how great one another is and sometimes even kiss. Most of the feelings felt those nights are really confusing when I try to relive them afterward. I can't, honestly. Part of it annoys me, and the other part just doesn't care.

Today I started thinking I was becoming addicted, but I remembered a e-tard friend of mine told me that when I need it, rather than want it, is when I should be scared. The four of us, myself, Josh, Adam and Nick (some guys I know) concluded we're fine. We like to talk about how hard we rolled and how cool or weird it was, but other than that we aren't blood shot eyes and salivating for more. Thankfully I guess.

I know there are people out there far worse than us, or me. I do smoke allot of pot and I am unsure if I should slow down or just continue at a steady pace. It doesn't affect my daily life per-say, I still go to the gym, go to class, get [some] of my work done. I don't go to class high, or home high. I'm pretty f**king smart about the whole situation.

I like to think I'm smart about alot of things, street smart. I know some people who are plain stupid, they hot box their car and it reeks of bud. That is a good sign that if they are pulled over they'll most likely be sat down and that isn't cool.

At times I feel like my friends don't like me. And they give all the signs they do, they text me to hang out, and all that stuff when I usually just sit at home and mill-dew until I get some sort of summons. I wonder if that is paranoia or something? It comes and goes and usually will just go for a very long time, then sometimes it'll pop up, I'll think my friends are conspiring against me, when that isn't the case at all. I've talked to Nick about it, and Nick and have only really became good friends the past maybe 5 months. He told me I was a great person, the nicest person, classiest person he has ever met in his life and all this flattering bullshit. I kind of opened up his life, I knew the people he hung out with before, the nerdy crowd in high school (we went to high school together kind of) and I've just showed him another side of life and I think he is appreciative of that.

I wonder if that is a good thing, or not. But I think he balances our group with his other one, so maybe I am just being selfish. But there is nothing wrong and I think the feeling of not being liked is just something that will fade away tomorrow. I get over things rather quick, I believe to be a down fall at times.

So right now, I'm just pretty zoned out. I'm stoned right now, actually, or coming down from a decent high. Tonight I was hanging out with the stony crew, Josh, Adam and Nick and for some reason Adam was really annoying me. Everytime I looked at him I was so miserably annoyed. He is the youngest of us all, but I mean he isn't stupid and annoying all the time. I am unsure if he was being annoying, but he just kept talking and making noises and talking to all of us, then just to one person, then the other. It was so confusing and annoying and I have no idea why I was so annoyed at him. Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe it was me.

=== my phone is ringing so brb

okay an hour later - talked to my good friend Hannah, she is cool, goes to Cornell, she is super smart.

Anyways, I feel a bit better and I'm over being annoyed at my friends and Adam I think. I'm actually being rather proactive and responsible this week. I need to get back to writing, I want to start working on another epic, Elijah, and have it start hitting the eFiction streams in December. But we will see.

My love life has been literally non-existence. It's like the cold weather makes my dick just transparent. I haven't had anything in the past month or so, I've made out with a few of my friends while hopped up on drugs but that really doesn't count for much at all.

I am unsure if I should be combing the sea for anything or just lay back and enjoy. I wonder if Justin will call me when he is back in town on winter holidays. Who knows, I feel I should be looking for something solid, but then I'll just whisk away to Boston if I am accepted leaving whatever I had in some dusty, depressing wake. I tend to think of myself and never the other side. Maybe that's why I am zilch in the sex department.

I blogged about a friend of mine being secretly a homo and all that jazz, went to his wannabe boyfriends house, beat him up for talking shit? Remember that one, well, they are dating now. Pretty sure of it. So, alot of us (a huge group of mutual friends) wonder if he'll come out for at one of our get together over Christmas break. Maybe I'll see that guy, that'll be fun.

Time to wind down. I have nothing else to say. Life is moving at a steady crawl currently. I have no complaints so far, I'm full of excitement, dread and an overwhelming sense of "when will this happen", at least that feeling. I'm to much for instant gratification.

Well, that was full of alot of self-pity but things that were trying my mind. I don't need clutter in my mind, I don't need sadness or a sense of tired. That isn't me. So I wrote them here.

My mom is going in for surgery on the 20th to get her breast re-worked on, and hopefully that cancerous nonsense is gone for good. She'll be happier and I think the mood of the house will change. Honestly, this year has f**king sucked for my family. My uncle passing away, my mom getting a bit sick, my dad had to call his brother (he leads the family, kind of, since he is the oldest of the siblings) and had to cancel our family Christmas plans. Which sucks, it's always something to do on Christmas Eve.

Contemplating my future, I want to do so much shit but I feel I don't have enough time. I know I can accomplish alot between, let's say, this Christmas and next, for sure. So here is for hoping.

I've been listening to some cool new music that I discovered resurfacing, Ryan Farish. Relaxing, soundscape piano music that blows my mind. So relaxing, so awesome, it chills you out. I suggest you look into alot of his music if you want something that tosses you into the sky and holds you up there for a bit. Here is a sampler: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ety_D50ssHg

If I don't post any blogs between now and the upcoming holidays, have a Merry Christmas and party hard on New Years.

Peace