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  • Comicality

    Story Blurbs

    By Comicality

    So...readers have decided to sit down and go to a quality archive full of some really well written, really hot, stories online. They get comfortable, open their laptops, head on over to GayAuthors.org because we've obviously got the best game in town when it comes to this sort of thing, hehehe...and BAM! They're looking at hundreds upon hundreds of stories all at once. Whether readers feel overwhelmed by that, or they take the happy 'kid in a candy store' approach, it can be a daunting task to figure out where to begin. Tags and keywords help to narrow things down, sure, but your story might still be thrown onto a list with a hundred others with a similar theme. So the question is, how do you get readers to buy your particular doggie in the window over somebody else's?   Welcome to this week's topic! We're talking about writing a story synopsis for your project, and hopefully grabbing the reader's attention before they've even read a single sentence of your work. However, before getting to that, I think authors need to remember that you really can't judge a book by its cover...but the same can't be said about a title. So the rules of a good story title definitely apply. Otherwise, readers won't even get to the story synopsis and they'll end up missing out on your genius. So always try to think of something that's intriguing, easy to remember, and is relevant to the plot but doesn't give too much away, when you're giving your story a title. If it's too simple and non descriptive (Like "Jake Gets A Blowjob"), readers might skip right over it. if it's too long and unnecessarily descriptive (Like "The Cosmic Adventures Of Johnny The Detective On The Gangster Planet Of Neptune")...yeah, skip. There's a huge middle ground in between the two extremes, so you've got tons of creative space, just remember that title is the bait on your end of the fishing hook. That doesn't mean the hook can't be successful at catching fish...but most fish are going to pass up the chance to just suck on a random hook. Hehehe! So keep that in mind.   I like to think of story blurbs as being mini movie trailers for the story to follow. You're giving readers a 'hint' about what to expect, but you want to leave out enough detail and context to keep them from figuring out the whole story from the blurb alone. Never underestimate a reader's ability to guess his or her way through your entire story from the synopsis you've given them. As I've said in the past...readers are very savvy these days. They've read hundreds, maybe thousands, of stories before they got to yours. They know the themes. They know what 'beats' a story hits, how narratives work, how plot twists are foreshadowed early on. They know romantic tropes, science fiction cliches, horror contrivances, and dramatic cues. Keep this in mind when you're trying to put a story blurb together. One or two sentences can end up giving away the entire plot of your story. And...even if the reader is making the wrong assumption from what they've read...they may skip your story anyway. Simply because they THINK, "I've read this before. I know how it ends."   It's nearly impossible to avoid, but it is a factor. Think of it as reading an old mystery and assuming 'the butler did it'. That may not be how the story ends at all, but if your story blurb describes a murder, a grieving widow, and the victim's only friend was his loyal and true butler, Edmund? Some people will think, "Yeah. That guy's SO guilty! Hehehe!"   I think story synopsis blocks should serve one, very important, purpose. It's asking your audience a question. Better yet, it is planting the seeds necessary to get them to ask the question. What is this story about? What can I look forward to? What kind of feeling am I going to get from this? Can I relate to these characters? Will I have any emotional connection to the plot? Etc.   Your answer, as a writer, should be...   ...Read it and find out!   Your story blurb should take on the easy task of drawing someone in to read something that they've already been searching for. Always remember that they are trying to find your work and hear what you have to say. You've just got to wave your hands and shout out, "Over here!"And they'll come running. So, whether your story is finished or a work in progress, try to see if you can capture the overall theme of the project as a whole. Ask yourself what 'kind' of story it is, and try to project that feeling in your synopsis. It's like a microfiction project of its own. You only have a paragraph to do everything that you hope to accomplish with 10 to 20 chapters of a short novel, so use the same rules that you would when writing your story. Interesting characters, intriguing plot, emotional involvement. If you're writing apocalyptic stories where the stakes are high, use a vocabulary and a put forth a vibe of possible danger and dire circumstances. If you're writing a tragedy, your tone should be more somber. Feel free to pull a few heartstrings when giving readers a glimpse of what's to come. No matter what genre you're writing in, push that 'feeling' forward in your synopsis. Grand adventure, or sweeping romance, or spine-chilling horror...give your synopsis that will match the story you want them to dive into. You can't go wrong.   Now, that sounds like a lot to accomplish in a very small space, but it can be done. Just remember, this is a 'movie trailer' for your story, not the story itself. You only need to capture the appropriate emotion and basic idea of what's going on. It's ok to be vague. Again, you want readers to leave your story blurb with more questions than answers. Be careful not to ramble. I know what it's like to want to cram a bunch of complex info into a few paragraphs to really sell your idea, but it might end up hurting you in the end. Even if you're telling a story that covers a bunch of different genres and has a lot of twists and turns...DON'T try to squeeze all of that into your synopsis! "And then the archaeologist finds the magic medallion, but the medallion is not what it appears to be, and when the aliens show up, it's up to Frank to save the love of his life from their evil plot to steal the world's supply of a mysterious mineral that was buried in the Earth over a thousand years ago. Did I mention that Frank's father was a Van Helsing?" Ok...stop. Take a breath. Erase ALL of that...and start over! Hehehe!   There's WAY too much going on in that mess. A story blurb only has to be a summary. Instead, try, "On an archaeological dig, Frank finds a mysterious medallion that seems to be of interest to a group of hunters that lie in the shadows. Who are they? What do they want? And can Frank keep his love safe when they come looking for them?" There. Done. As always, your planting the seeds of multiple questions in the minds of potential readers. What mysterious medallion? What's so important about it? Shadowy figures? Are they dangerous? What's going to happen next?   And...your writer's answer is? Say it with me...   'Read it and find out!'   Don't worry about being too specific with details. You got the 'feeling' right. Mystery, intrigue, a touch of romance...done. Assume that the readers who are interested will read the story and discover the rest on their own. Hey, more surprises for them to find, right? That can only help you in the long run. As they say, sometimes less is more.   Anyway, I'm sure that there is a LOT more that I could say about writing story blurbs, but I'll avoid that rabbit hole for now! Hehehe! It might be better for a group discussion, anyway. Still, I hope this helps. Just remember...the 'question' is everything when grabbing a reader's attention. If you can get that part right, it'll gnaw on their brain until they surrender to it and give your story a try. You guys are on your own from there! Hehehe!   Best of luck! And check back next week for my article on 'Tone'! It applies to story blurbs too!   Seezya!  
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Our community blogs

  1. Comicality
    Latest Entry

    By Comicality,

    So...readers have decided to sit down and go to a quality archive full of some really well written, really hot, stories online. They get comfortable, open their laptops, head on over to GayAuthors.org because we've obviously got the best game in town when it comes to this sort of thing, hehehe...and BAM! They're looking at hundreds upon hundreds of stories all at once. Whether readers feel overwhelmed by that, or they take the happy 'kid in a candy store' approach, it can be a daunting task to figure out where to begin. Tags and keywords help to narrow things down, sure, but your story might still be thrown onto a list with a hundred others with a similar theme. So the question is, how do you get readers to buy your particular doggie in the window over somebody else's?

     

    Welcome to this week's topic! We're talking about writing a story synopsis for your project, and hopefully grabbing the reader's attention before they've even read a single sentence of your work.

    However, before getting to that, I think authors need to remember that you really can't judge a book by its cover...but the same can't be said about a title. So the rules of a good story title definitely apply. Otherwise, readers won't even get to the story synopsis and they'll end up missing out on your genius. So always try to think of something that's intriguing, easy to remember, and is relevant to the plot but doesn't give too much away, when you're giving your story a title. If it's too simple and non descriptive (Like "Jake Gets A Blowjob"), readers might skip right over it. if it's too long and unnecessarily descriptive (Like "The Cosmic Adventures Of Johnny The Detective On The Gangster Planet Of Neptune")...yeah, skip. There's a huge middle ground in between the two extremes, so you've got tons of creative space, just remember that title is the bait on your end of the fishing hook. That doesn't mean the hook can't be successful at catching fish...but most fish are going to pass up the chance to just suck on a random hook. Hehehe! So keep that in mind.

     

    I like to think of story blurbs as being mini movie trailers for the story to follow. You're giving readers a 'hint' about what to expect, but you want to leave out enough detail and context to keep them from figuring out the whole story from the blurb alone. Never underestimate a reader's ability to guess his or her way through your entire story from the synopsis you've given them. As I've said in the past...readers are very savvy these days. They've read hundreds, maybe thousands, of stories before they got to yours. They know the themes. They know what 'beats' a story hits, how narratives work, how plot twists are foreshadowed early on. They know romantic tropes, science fiction cliches, horror contrivances, and dramatic cues. Keep this in mind when you're trying to put a story blurb together. One or two sentences can end up giving away the entire plot of your story. And...even if the reader is making the wrong assumption from what they've read...they may skip your story anyway. Simply because they THINK, "I've read this before. I know how it ends."

     

    It's nearly impossible to avoid, but it is a factor. Think of it as reading an old mystery and assuming 'the butler did it'. That may not be how the story ends at all, but if your story blurb describes a murder, a grieving widow, and the victim's only friend was his loyal and true butler, Edmund? Some people will think, "Yeah. That guy's SO guilty! Hehehe!"

     

    I think story synopsis blocks should serve one, very important, purpose. It's asking your audience a question. Better yet, it is planting the seeds necessary to get them to ask the question. What is this story about? What can I look forward to? What kind of feeling am I going to get from this? Can I relate to these characters? Will I have any emotional connection to the plot? Etc.

     

    Your answer, as a writer, should be...

     

    ...Read it and find out!

     

    Your story blurb should take on the easy task of drawing someone in to read something that they've already been searching for. Always remember that they are trying to find your work and hear what you have to say. You've just got to wave your hands and shout out, "Over here!"And they'll come running. So, whether your story is finished or a work in progress, try to see if you can capture the overall theme of the project as a whole. Ask yourself what 'kind' of story it is, and try to project that feeling in your synopsis. It's like a microfiction project of its own. You only have a paragraph to do everything that you hope to accomplish with 10 to 20 chapters of a short novel, so use the same rules that you would when writing your story. Interesting characters, intriguing plot, emotional involvement. If you're writing apocalyptic stories where the stakes are high, use a vocabulary and a put forth a vibe of possible danger and dire circumstances. If you're writing a tragedy, your tone should be more somber. Feel free to pull a few heartstrings when giving readers a glimpse of what's to come. No matter what genre you're writing in, push that 'feeling' forward in your synopsis. Grand adventure, or sweeping romance, or spine-chilling horror...give your synopsis that will match the story you want them to dive into. You can't go wrong.

     

    Now, that sounds like a lot to accomplish in a very small space, but it can be done. Just remember, this is a 'movie trailer' for your story, not the story itself. You only need to capture the appropriate emotion and basic idea of what's going on. It's ok to be vague. Again, you want readers to leave your story blurb with more questions than answers. Be careful not to ramble. I know what it's like to want to cram a bunch of complex info into a few paragraphs to really sell your idea, but it might end up hurting you in the end. Even if you're telling a story that covers a bunch of different genres and has a lot of twists and turns...DON'T try to squeeze all of that into your synopsis! "And then the archaeologist finds the magic medallion, but the medallion is not what it appears to be, and when the aliens show up, it's up to Frank to save the love of his life from their evil plot to steal the world's supply of a mysterious mineral that was buried in the Earth over a thousand years ago. Did I mention that Frank's father was a Van Helsing?" Ok...stop. Take a breath. Erase ALL of that...and start over! Hehehe!

     

    There's WAY too much going on in that mess. A story blurb only has to be a summary. Instead, try, "On an archaeological dig, Frank finds a mysterious medallion that seems to be of interest to a group of hunters that lie in the shadows. Who are they? What do they want? And can Frank keep his love safe when they come looking for them?" There. Done. As always, your planting the seeds of multiple questions in the minds of potential readers. What mysterious medallion? What's so important about it? Shadowy figures? Are they dangerous? What's going to happen next?

     

    And...your writer's answer is? Say it with me...

     

    'Read it and find out!'

     

    Don't worry about being too specific with details. You got the 'feeling' right. Mystery, intrigue, a touch of romance...done. Assume that the readers who are interested will read the story and discover the rest on their own. Hey, more surprises for them to find, right? That can only help you in the long run. As they say, sometimes less is more.

     

    Anyway, I'm sure that there is a LOT more that I could say about writing story blurbs, but I'll avoid that rabbit hole for now! Hehehe! It might be better for a group discussion, anyway. Still, I hope this helps. Just remember...the 'question' is everything when grabbing a reader's attention. If you can get that part right, it'll gnaw on their brain until they surrender to it and give your story a try. You guys are on your own from there! Hehehe!

     

    Best of luck! And check back next week for my article on 'Tone'! It applies to story blurbs too!

     

    Seezya! :)

     

  2. Renee Stevens
    Latest Entry

    By Renee Stevens,

    Geez, I must be losing my touch as once again I just about forgot about the blog!  So, before I head off to bed, here are this weeks prompts. Hopefully they spark some ideas for you!

     


     

    Prompt 718 – Creative

    Tag – Embarrassing Interview

    You finally have the interview of your dreams. Before it begins you rush to the bathroom, take care of business, wash up, and barely walk back into the waiting room when your name is called. As you head into the interview you hear the other three applicants begin to laugh. Part way through your interview you glace down only to see a long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. As you blush in mortification you look down only to see your fly isn’t completely closed either. What happens with the rest of your interview?

     

    Prompt 719 – Creative

    Tag – First Line

    “Your turn is coming and then we will see!”

     


     

    Did you write a prompt last week? Share a link in the comments!

     

     

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    Recent Entries

    Puppilull
    Latest Entry

    Frost: Hot and Cold Book 2 by [Nilsson, Märit]

     

    https://www.amazon.com/Frost-Hot-Cold-Book-2-ebook/dp/B07KCJC838/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

     

    Well, even if I live at the edge of the world and snow is right around the corner, that is not what I'm talking about. No, believe it or not, Frost is now available at Amazon. I still can't believe my books are out there in the real world. 

     

    Thank you all again for all your support and kind words!

  3. Renee Stevens
    Latest Entry

    By Renee Stevens,

    Well, hello there. Nice of you to come see exactly what a blog info dump entails!  Hopefully you'll find it quite informative. I've got a few things to cover, so let's get right into it!

     

    First off, thank you to everyone who voted in the anthology poll. There were a total of 42 votes, and spacing out the anthology stories was the clear winner with half the total votes (21). The other half was divided between posting all at once (6), and didn't care either way (15). We'll be giving this way of posting a shot with this upcoming anthology. Now, when am I going to start posting all these stories you ask? Well, you'll just have to wait and see! 

     

    Speaking of the anthology, don't forget that the deadline is tomorrow!!! Yep, that's right, it's here and you only have another day to get your stories sent to @Valkyrie for her to pair you up with a member of the proof team. Once you receive your stories back, you'll need to fix anything that needs fixing and get it uploaded to GA stories pronto!  From what I'm seeing, we're going to have a great group of stories.

     

    Next up on today's agenda, blog features!  Yep, that's right!  Have you checked out the new features that I'm offering in the GA Blog? First up, we have the Guess the Author feature. I've already got some great content from our site authors, and this feature will start at the beginning of the year. New year, new feature, great idea, huh?  If you're an author that wants to participate, just PM me and I'll send you all the info! If you've already done that, then you just need to get those answers in to me (if you haven't already done so) and then sit back and wait for your turn to come up. Won't it be fun to sit and watch people trying to guess that it's you, and guess wrong?

     

    Another new feature, is the Q & A feature!  We have three different ones. One each for Authors, Editors, and Readers!  No matter what category you fall into, there's something for you. The first Q & A questions are expired for new responses, but there's a new one. Go check it out and get those next answers to me by December 5th!

     

    Let's see, anything else I need to cover? I think that's about it, but I'll also drop this little tid-bit, in case you missed it.  @Cia has a new newsletter game planned for all y'all, which she'll unveil sometime after the anthology deadline is past. I know what it is, and I won't spoil the surprise, but I will tell you this much....It's a doozy of a challenge and I can't wait to see who undertakes it!

     

    Well, that's it for today!  Have a great day and don't forget to join in on all the various opportunities. I look forward to hearing from you!

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    Recent Entries

    Warrior1
    Latest Entry

    I have been on very high antidepressant for a long time. My mental health deteriorated so much that it was unavoidable. The problem with these ‘happy pills’ is that, though they can safely curb your depression to a great extent, they can effectively turn you into a zombie. I literally lost my ability to feel any kind of deep emotions. Life became numb, with no ups and no downs. For a moment, I had to actually wonder if the emotion center of my brain actually got irreversibly damaged. Until, that is, I met you.



    I didn’t want to come to class, but when you sat beside me and my eyes fell upon your face, I was so glad I did. Something shook inside me. Not only did I feel the emotions I thought I’d lost, but I felt them more strongly than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just your perfectly sculpted face (though I am as shallow as any other gay man, so yes, your beautifully handsome face made the first impression on me). It was your cheerful mannerism, your friendly gestures, your kind attitude … and so much that can’t be explained in words (or things even I couldn’t figure out). When you smiled, your nose used to wrinkle in an adorable way – a sight that is etched on my mind. I can’t forget how you used to keep sit for me, or ask me to keep one for you. I can’t forget how you once went to the front of the class on our sir’s insistence that one of us has to sit at the front of the column, and you chose to sacrifice for me. I cried thinking of you that day, and I still get teary eyed when I see your faced in my Facebook.

    But then you slowly drifted apart. Was it my own fault? I started ‘hearting’ your photos on Facebook against my better judgement. You felt uneasy about my approach, I assume, and you started ignoring me. When we met, you were cordial, but not the same warm person you once were to me. And I understand. It was my fault. How can I be so flamboyant in my love? I treaded on your personal ground, I made you – presumably a straight man – uncomfortable in my overt expression of my love.

    I deactivated my Facebook a long, long time ago, and kept it that way longer than I’d expected. But some dormant feeling inside me wanted to see you. I just wanted to see your playful eyes and that radiant smile one last time. And what a cruel surprise did I get when I opened your profile! You got married, to a girl just as beautiful as you. Maybe some good did come out of it. I swear I will not stalk you anymore because I know you are already taken. Good bye my love. I hope you all the best in your new life. May your life not be like mine. I hope you found what you were looking for in her, and you have a blessed life ahead. That’s all that matters to me.

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    Recent Entries

    Mancunian
    Latest Entry

    I feel that I need to apologise to many of the members on here, especially those that befriended me after the loss of my father @cognac69, and offer an explanation of certain actions that were taken without my knowledge or consent.

    I have decided to live in and take ownership of my father's apartment following the breakdown of a relationship.

    As some may know my father had befriended and took under his wing a young man who had many problems in his life. I had started to grow close to Josh, but it appears that he didn't feel the same bond with me that he felt with my father. The loss of my father appears to have hit him as hard, or harder than it hit me. 

    I came home one night expecting to find Josh either surfing the net or playing on Ps4, we had been talking about him moving into the spare room here. What I found has shocked and upset me greatly and can never forget. There was a printed letter addressed to me in front of the computer. I won't go into detail about the contents of the letter, but Josh told me a lot about what he'd gone through in his life and how it affected him, including his struggles with his mental health. He also told me of his feelings for my father and how strong those feelings were, I'm not sure if it was hero worship or infatuation, but knowing him at least a little I'm giving his feelings the respect they deserve. Josh told me that he had fallen in love with my father and had hoped for a future relationship with him, and now felt that he had no future. Josh had accessed both mine and my father's accounts here and made changes including deleting my father's stories and my previous blog entries. I found Josh in bed after he had taken an overdose of sleeping pills. 

    Josh's family refused to acknowledge him in the same way that they had before he passed away. I made all the arrangements that were possible and his ashes are now with those of my father.

    I don't want anyone to think badly of Josh, he had enough to deal with in life, dealing with grief was one thing too many.

    I apologise to all of you who have read and commented on my father's stories or wanted to read them, and to those who read and responded to my previous blogs. I am hoping to get this rectified and will be contacting @Cia to ask for help in restoring them. I also apologise for the delay in coming on to take action regarding this, I hope that you will understand that none of this has been easy for me and I will be doing all in my power to rectify things.

     

  4. Who's ready for another story review? You're in luck then, as Puppilull has prepared one for lomax61's Twelve Gays of Christmas!  Before we get to the review though, we would really like if a member of the community would be willing to provide a review for the December slot. The review team is working on a special treat for everyone and if someone could sign up, that would be awesome!  If you're interested in getting one of your favorite stories some attention, send a message to @Timothy M.  Now, onto the review!

     

    Twelve Gays of Christmas

    lomax61

    Reviewer: Puppilull

    Status: Complete

    Word Count: 53,556

     

    I can’t believe it! It’s that time of year already. The holiday season, where all shall twinkle along with the tinsel and stars, all happy and cozy, fa-la-laing in joyous harmony as fluffy snowflakes gently blanket the world outside.


    Except not all Christmases live up to those standards. When your husband has left you, for a woman no less, your circle of friends is falling apart and nothing seems to be going the way you planned – what do you do? You get on with it, of course! What else?


    Trevor is not about to let a deserting husband, friends away in far off places, breakup of his best friend, and death of another dear friend stop him from celebrating Christmas as they have been for the past years. The plans will go ahead or he’ll be forced to admit defeat. And he is not defeated.


    Sticking to their plans, the remaining gang with a few add-ons departs to a remote location in Scotland for the holidays. Off they go, this motley crew of old friends, new acquaintances taking the places of others, among them Trevor’s ex and Mary, the new woman. Yes, his rival will be joining them for the celebrations. Does this sound like an excellent idea? No, I didn’t think so either…
    Of course, there are arguments already from the get go, when Mary turns out to be a bit demanding to put it mildly. But in the midst of all the drama, the son of the landlord shows up. Enter the delicious Rudy. Trevor is instantly smitten, but what will Rudy think? And what is lurking in his not so distant past?


    Twelve Gays of Christmas is a fun but heartfelt read. You get the Christmas feel and also the romance to warm your cold evenings. The characters are well written, both the ones you root for and the ones you mostly want to hit over the head with a snow shovel. I found the villains also have some redeeming traits, even if I was pretty much alone in feeling sympathy for the Supervillain of the story (read to see who that is…). This keeps them from being cardboard cut outs and instead are people you can somehow understand.


    Most of all it’s a nice read, perfect for an evening in with some tea, a warm blanket and a crackling fire. It will set you in the right mood for Christmas. And perhaps add a slight longing for just a little more romance and drama in your own life…


    So unwrap this story as your own special Christmas treat. You are worth it!

     

    Category: Fiction   Genres:  Romance  Tags: mature adult, gay, rural, anal, serious, celebrity, modern, christmas  Rating: Mature

  5. To any of you that enjoy using the application "Tapas," or frequent the website "tapas.io," I've been slowly uploading all of my work (even my collaborative work, with permission, of course) there. It's under Thirdly. Tapas has a more strict-ish setup for stories, so I have had the incredibly gargantuan task of CENSORING everything.  😱

     

    For example, for Lust and Chastity, I had to "clean up" the smut down from NC-17 to rated R not once, but three times over per chapter. I know for a FACT that it's still not clean as the chapters should be. But, I have been doing my best to comply. Do any of you remember a chapter where Finian was apparently covered in cum TWICE before ever even crossing over to Zirao Zion? Apparently, it happened. 

     

    If any of you have Tapas, I ask that you take a peek at Lust and Chastity for me and let me know if I did a decent job of it. 

     

    I dread going over the Galamin chapter...I have to change it all to traumatic torture without pushing that rated R too hard. *drags hands down her face*

     

    Wish me luck.

     

    I started with LC first because it only has 19 chapters. 

     

    I think I might break down crying when I start trying to censor Kidnapping is Always an Option. If I ever get that far, I'll probably update this post with my complaints. :lol:

  6. Mikiesboy
    Latest Entry

    Did you know you can be seized with a lethargy?  You can, it's an archaic noun, but you can be. 

     

    I have been. 

     

    Things had been going along great guns for a while. Started taking Natural Calm. Suddenly i was sleeping ... all night ... What a difference not being tired makes. I felt calm, i felt happy. I went to the shrink for my weekly visit. He was happy. A couple of weeks ago he reduced my meds. He said that likely in the New Year we could reduce my visits a lot.

     

    Then this week happened. Michael and i had issues over treatment of my knee problems. I felt myself sinking until Wednesday i didnt want to go home after work. So i didn't. I went to see my nephew. I was frustrated enough with my Husband and home, that i didn't tell anyone where i was going. I didn't care.

     

    I knew i had to come back. i didn't have my hiv meds with me and i know what messing them up could mean. i knew Michael would be worried. He'd call everyone he knew, call hospitals, call the police pals he has ... He called them all.  He called our nephew, who just didn't answer for awhile. He spoke to friends on GA.

     

    One of them i was talking to on Hangouts when Michael emailed him. So, after some talking, i called home.

     

    My Husband, while not perfect, is a good man. He can see his imperfections and mine. He knows usually what battles to pick. He will never abandon me, no matter what.

    I needed Him and He got in the Jeep and drove downtown to pick me up. If He was angry, He never showed it.

     

    But that was not the end of my lethargy. It stuck with me. While not suicidal, i wished i could be, i was so sick of me. I do not have the balls for that.

     

    This morning i went to the shrink. I told him all of the above. I showed him my diary.

    He said you need to learn to deal with your moods. He said it is not abnormal to feel down, even for a few days.

     

    I told him i don't care about writing. He said i'm not interested in what you don't care about. Tell me what you do care about.  i talked awhile about that.

     

    He said, "Go home and think about where you head is. Think about what you want, what you love, and who you love. Sit there and wallow for a few hours but then you get up and go bake something, or cook something. Write something, go back to your roots. You are able now to pull yourself out of the trough."

     

    So i came home. I wallowed ... i wrote a couple of poems. I made coffee and ate two poached eggs.

     

    i decided, as i watched the weather turn to crap, that i can do this thing.

     

    Not perfectly, and not alone; never that.  But i can do this thing called life.

     

     

  7. NlpvnTX.jpg

     

     

    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Track List

     

    1. After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Solitudes) - Overture
    2. Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower)  - Mysterious Colby’s Theme
    3. At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind
    4. When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again
    5. I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search
    6. Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time
    7. Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’
    8. Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?
    9. Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness
    10. The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes
    11. Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song
    12. Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars
    13. Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell
    14. I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed
    15. Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?
    16. You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night
    17. Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre
    18. Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder
    19. I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal
    20. You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise

    ————————————

    After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Soliturdes) - Overture

     

    Gentle Overture For A Gentle Western Evening

     

    Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower)  - Mysterious Colby’s Theme

     

    I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger

    Traveling through this world below

    There is no sickness, no toil, nor danger

    In that bright land to which I go

     

    I'm going there to see my Father

    And all my loved ones who've gone on

    I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

     

    I know dark clouds will gather 'round me

    I know my way is hard and steep

    But beauteous fields arise before me

    Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep

     

    I'm going there to see my Father

    He said he'd meet me when I come

    So, I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

    I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

     

    At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind

     

    Throw it down, look away

    Don't be scared, it's okay

    Settle down, set it right

    Don't be scared, its alright

     

    When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again

     

    Don't it hurt so bad

    When you're standin’ in the sun

    In the bottom of your heart

    You don't love no one

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    What a way to live

    Back of your class

    End of the line

    Always last

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    See the moon

    See the stars

    From your lonely seat

    In your lonely cars

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search

     

    Like the wondering ghost for a harbor

    Like the ground beneath the snow for springtime

    Like the believer for something to believe in

    Like the drifting castaway for shoreline

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I burned out my eyes on the horizon

    Sunups in the east and sundowns in the west

    I watched them all for just one reason

    Sun came up or down, I couldn’t care less

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time

     

    I don’t believe in an interventionist God

    But I know, darling, that you do

    But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him

    Not to intervene when it came to you

    Not to touch a hair on your head

    To leave you as you are

    And if He felt He had to direct you

    Then direct you into my arms

     

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

    And I don’t believe in the existence of angels

    But looking at you I wonder if that’s true

    But if I did I would summon them together

    And ask them to watch over you

    To each burn a candle for you

    To make bright and clear your path

    And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love

    And guide you into my arms

     

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

    But I believe in Love

    And I know that you do too

    And I believe in some kind of path

    That we can walk down, me and you

    So keep your candles burning

    And make her journey bright and pure

    That she will keep returning

     

    Always and evermore

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

     

    Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’

     

    Nothin' 'round here to me that's sacred

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Nothin' 'round here to me that matters

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    You're the one that reaches me

    You're the one that I admire

    Every time we meet together

    I feel like I'm on fire

    Nothin' matters to me

    And there is nothin' I desire

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Nothin' 'round here I care to try for

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Got nothin' here to live or die for

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    As a kid I'd hear it

    In the churches all the time

    Make me feel so good inside

    So peaceful, so sublime

    Now nothin' does remind me

    Of that old familiar chime

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Used to run in the cemetery

    Dance and run and sing when I was a child

    And it never seemed strange

    Now I just pass mournfully by

    That place where the bones of life are piled

    I know something has changed

    I'm a stranger here and no one sees me

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Nothin' anymore seems to please me

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Your love hypnotizes me

    It holds me in its spell

    Everything runs by me

    Just like water from a well

    Everybody wants my attention

    Everybody's got something to sell

    'Cept you, yeah you

    I'm in love with you

     

    I'm in love with you

     

    Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?

     

    There is a house in New Orleans

    Where you woke from a coma and they bit your cheek

    And they cleaned you out when you went to sleep

     

    Oh, I just wanna change your mind

    I just wanna change your mind

    And it might become right away

    It might become till the day I'm done

     

    And I saw it as the house caught fire

    And I saw it when the thief got brave

    It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard

    And it's comin' over me in waves

     

    But you're haunted by the morning sun

    You keep digging till the night is over

     

    I ain't no doctor, babe

    I ain't no doctor, son

    But I'll cool your fever till the doctor comes

    It's a miracle, babe, but it ain't no fun

     

    I just wanna change your mind

    I just wanna change your mind

    It might become right away

    It might become till the day I'm done

     

    And I saw it as the house caught fire

    And I saw it when the thief got brave

    It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard

    And it's comin' over me in waves

     

    But it's not here now

    It's the chance of it I hate

    It's a hundred thousand miles off

    Comin' closer every day

     

    Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness

     

    Oh Abraham would raise his hands;

    and mourn this very day;

    for his children left the promise land;

    in search of their own way.

     

    They kick and scream like wayward sons;

    And always wanting to sleep;

    and dream away these evil days;

    in hopes that God can't see.

     

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Your suffering will come again;

    and never fall away.

    For we trade our many comforts;

    Like the ones who bled for grace.

     

    There will come a day my God will come;

    and put me in my place.

    My God I pray;

    You'll call my name;

    instead of turn away.

     

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus.

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of the Lord.

     

    I said, Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus.

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of God.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    (Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus;

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of the Lord.)

     

    The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes

     

    "And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

    One of the four beasts saying,

    'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"

     

    There's a man goin' 'round takin' names

    And he decides who to free and who to blame

    Everybody won't be treated all the same

    There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down

    When the man comes around

     

    The hairs on your arm will stand up

    At the terror in each sip and in each sup

    Will you partake of that last offered cup

    Or disappear into the potter's ground?

    When the man comes around

     

    Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

    One hundred million angels singin'

    Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

    Voices callin', voices cryin'

    Some are born and some are dyin'

    It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

    And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    The virgins are all trimming their wicks

    The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

     

    Till Armageddon no shalam, no shalom

    Then the father hen will call his chickens home

    The wise man will bow down before the throne

    And at his feet, they'll cast their golden crowns

    When the man comes around

     

    Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

    Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

    Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

    Listen to the words long written down

    When the man comes around

     

    Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

    One hundred million angels singin'

    Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

    Voices callin', voices cryin'

    Some are born and some are dyin'

    It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

    And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    The virgins are all trimming their wicks

    The whirlwind is in the thorn trees

    It's hard for thee to kick against the prick

    In measured hundredweight and penny pound

    When the man comes around

     

    "And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

    And I looked, and behold a pale horse

    And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"

     

    Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song

     

    When its twilight on the trail and I jog along

    The world is like a dream and the ripple of a stream is my song.

     

    When its twilight in the trail and I rest once more

    My ceiling is the sky and the grass in which I lie is my floor.

     

    Never, never have a nickel in my jeans

    Never ever have a debt to pay

    Still, I understand what real contentment mean

    Guess I was born that way

     

    When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still

    Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill

     

    Guess I was born that way

     

    When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still

    Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill

     

    When its twilight on the trail.

     

    Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars

     

    Beside a singing mountain stream

    Where the willow grew

     

    Where the silver leaf of maple

    Sparkled in the morning dew

    I braided twigs of willows

    Made a string of buckeye beads

    But flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    I leaned against a bark of birch

    And I breathed the honeydew

    I saw a North-bound flock of geese

    Against a sky of baby blue

    Beside the lily pads

    I carved a whistle from a reed

    Mother Nature's quite a lady

    But you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    A cardinal sang just for me

    And I thanked him for the song

    Then the sun went slowly down the west

    And I had to move along

    These were some of the things

    On which my mind and spirit feed

    But flesh and blood need flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    So when this day was ended

    I was still not satisfied

    For I knew everything I touched

    Would wither and would die

    And love is all that will remain

    And grow from all these seeds

    Mother Nature's quite a lady

    But you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell

     

    There's a reckoning a'comin'

    It burns beyond the grave

    There's lead inside my belly

    'Cause my soul has lost its way

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    With the hounds of hell coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name

     

    Not a spell gonna be broken

    With a potion or a priest

    When you're cursed you're always hoping

    That a prophet would be grieved

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    Can't you see I'm sorry?

    I will make it worth your while

    Made of dead man's money

    You can see it in my smile

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    And the whole wide world's coming after you

    I got blood, I got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I got blood, I got blood, blood on my name

     

    It won't be long

    'Til I'm dead and gone

    It won't be long

    'Til I'm dead and gone

    Watch the fires rise

    Burn through my skin

    Down to the bone

    Scorching my soul

    Nowhere to run

    Nowhere to run

    Nowhere to run

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    With the hounds of hell coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    And the whole wide world's coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name

     

    I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed

     

    Well, you're my friend

    And can you see

    Many times we've been out drinking

    Many times we've shared our thoughts

    But did you ever, ever notice

    The kind of thoughts I got?

    Well, you know I have a love

    A love for everyone I know

    And you know I have a drive

    To live, I won't let go

    But can you see this opposition

    Comes rising up sometimes?

    That it's dreadful imposition

    Comes blacking in my mind

     

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    Did you know how much I love you?

    Is a hope that somehow you

    Can save me from this darkness

     

    Well, I hope that someday, buddy

    We have peace in our lives

    Together or apart

    Alone or with our wives

    And we can stop our whoring

    And pull the smiles inside

    And light it up forever

    And never go to sleep

    My best unbeaten brother

    This isn't all I see

     

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Did you know how much I love you?

    Is a hope that somehow you

    Can save me from this darkness

     

    Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?

     

    Its been so long

    Long hard days

    They don't say

    Gods change my ways

    Change my ways

    Those evil ways

     

    So I set out

    Cross that way

    Strike them down

    To make them pay

    Change their ways

    Their evil ways

     

    But I can’t hide

    Ooooooo

    And I won't hide

    Oooooo Yeah!

    My Evil Ways

     

    I found out

    The hate grow cold

    The god rise up

    Damn my soul

    Cause I ain't change

    Change my ways

    I ain't change

     

    So I won't hide

    Ooooo

    I won't hide

    Oooooo

    I can't hide Yeah!

    Ooooooo

    I can't hide HEY!

    My evil ways

     

    (Long Solo)

     

    Well I can't hide

    Ooooo

    And I won't hide

    Ooooo yeah!

    Well I can't hide

    Ooooo ouh!

    Caus’ I can't hide

    My evil ways

     

    You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night

     

    The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

    I dreamt I held you in my arms

    When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

    So I bowed my head and I cried

     

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy when skies are grey

    You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

    Please don't take my sunshine away

     

    I've always loved you and made you happy

    And nothing else could come between

    But now you've left me to love another

    You have shattered all of my dreams

     

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy when skies are grey

    You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

    Please don't take my sunshine away

     

    Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre

     

    Creepy Western Instrumental Interlude

     

    Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder

     

    It's all the same, only the names will change

    Every day, it seems we're wastin' away

    Another place where the faces are so cold

    I drive all night just to get back home

     

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted dead or alive

    Wanted dead or alive

     

    Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days

    The people I meet always go their separate ways

    Sometimes you tell the day

    By the bottle that you drink

    And times, when you're all alone all you do, is think

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    Wanted (wanted) dead or alive

     

    Oh, and I ride

     

    (Yeah)

     

    Oh, and I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted dead or alive

     

    I walk these streets

    A loaded six-string on my back

    I play for keeps 'cause I might not make it back

    I've been everywhere, still, I'm standing tall

    I've seen a million faces

    And I've rocked them all

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    And I ride, dead or alive

    I still drive (I still drive) dead or alive

    Dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive

     

    I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal

     

    Hickory, oak, pine, and weed

    Bury my heart underneath these trees

    And when a southern wind comes to raise my soul

    Spread my spirit like a flock of crows

     

    'Cause I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    Sycamore, ash, moss, and loam

    Wrap your roots all around my bones

    And when they come for me

    When they call my name

    Cast my shadow from a bellow's flame

     

    'Cause I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

     

    (So let the storm come)

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    I will never die

     

    You can bury my body, but I'll never die

     

    In the dead of night

    (In the dead of night)

    I'm gonna loose these chains

    (I'm gonna loose these chains)

    I'm gonna run and run and run and run and run

    (Sing on, sister)

    I'm gonna run and run and run and run

    Coming for you again

    (Oh, coming for you again)

     

    So let the storm come

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    I will never die

     

    You can bury my body, but I'll never die

     

    Hickory, oak, pine, and weed

    Bury my heart underneath these trees

     

    You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise

     

    This is more than you can handle

    This is more than you will ever know

     

    Stop now thinking there’s another way

    You don’t even have the words to say

     

    Look around you, look around you

    Look around you, you’re all alone

     

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you need me, I am watching you

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you call me, I am listening

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you need me, I am watching you

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    Don’t worry, you will find me

     

  8. Carlos Hazday
    Latest Entry

    By Carlos Hazday,

    Welcome to the premiere of year two! I promised a special issue and here it is. My thanks to one exceptionally clever member who sent in all the questions used this month. Due to the number of authors featured, I will dispense with the individual blurbs this month. Instead, I’ll share the comment sent in with the questions:

     

    I thought, why not recycle some of ourok myfavorite authors, in an Inside the Actors’ Studio rip-off? Here are questions from James Lipton, Marcel Proust, and Bernard Pivot.

    • • • • • 

     

    @AC Benus

    To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

     

    There's nothing indulgent about them, but I have many faults. Chief among them are the problems I tackle everyday as a severe dyslexic. Certain mistakes of my own are nearly impossible for me to "see," like barley for barely, illiterately for literally, defiantly for definitely, and one poor @Lisa had to tackle for years as my editor: finially for finally.

     

    Fortunately, when I read other people's text, I don't have these problems.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    Well, assuming all the many questions I have for Him are barred, I guess he'd ask me what I learned this time around. My answer: "I learned to love and not expect anything in return."

     

     

    @aditus

    What do you most dislike? 

     

    Regarding last year, being sick.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    Surprise!

     

    @Carlos Hazday

    Who are your favourite fictional heroes? 

     

    Superman- The ultimate Boy Scout. Honest to a fault, and Henry Cavill is HOT!

     

    Dirk Pitt- Clive Cussler’s character spends most of his time in the water, and owns a great car collection.

     

    Jack Ryan- Tom Clancy’s retired Marine uses brains and brawn to beat up the bad guys.

     

    Any of the bad boys created by Mann Ramblings.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    “Don’t get too comfortable. I’m sending you back so you can kick some more homophobic ass. And may the force be with you.”

     

    @CassieQ

    What is your least favorite word?

     

    Creamy, especially when used for a non-food related item.  When I was younger,  I read a novel where the heroine was described as having a creamy bosom or some kind of nonsense like that, and for the life of me I couldn't get the image of a woman walking around with boobs made of cream cheese out of my mind.  Unless it's talking about peanut butter or ice cream, I don't want to hear the word creamy in a book.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    Hmm.  I would like to imagine him saying something like "Betcha believe in me now bitch."    But in all seriousness, in this kind of scenario, I would like to hear him saying something about my family and friends that I've lost being in there waiting for me and that I could go and join them.  It's a comforting thought.

     

    @Cia

    In what country would you like to live? 

     

    I'd live in Ireland. I have red hair and a metric ton of freckles. Not to mention the whole burst into flames in the sun thing. I'd finally fit in somewhere! My husband called me an Irish vampire and made the kids bust out laughing by trying his best mix of Dracula camp and Irish brogue with the quip, "I vant to suck your Lucky Charms!" 

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    Well, even in a question/answer scenario I can't really make believe the whole "God might say...." answer. I'm an atheist through and through.  If there is something beyond this body when it finally craps out on me, I'd like to think it's another one, because there's still so much to learn and experience. I hope we get more than one chance even if we don't know it. All matter remains matter, right?   

     

    Besides, I'm a redhead. We steal souls, one per freckle, apparently. Pretty sure that'd send me right down to the Abyss instead, and the Devil would be welcoming me as his right-hand woman since I have innumerable freckles, so clearly I brought a LOT of business with me.

     

    @Cole Matthews

    What is your idea of earthly happiness?  

     

    These are interesting questions, to which my answer is about the same.  I believe we were born to do good  and help others by being ourselves.  I believe that for a person to achieve happiness, they strive and work toward becoming their best self.  This path and series of achievements are the most positive possible manifestations of happiness.  True joy comes from your work and effort during the process of becoming you.  I'm always happiest when  I've done my best.  Success for me isn't winning, per se.  The honest, earnest attempt is the achievement.

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    When I arrive at the pearly gates, I hope God says, "Good job!  You have done more good in the world than ill.  You've atoned when you trespassed.  Your soul is shining with the light of your happiness.  You are tried to be a good example and to ease suffering of all kinds in others. Sometimes you've fallen short, but you never gave up.  Welcome home!"

     

    Thanks for the great questions!

     

    @Comicality

    What profession would you not like to do?

     

    What job would I NOT like to do? Healthcare. Definitely. 

     

    I'm a huge empath, and I can't bear to see people sick or in pain. Especially kids. I worked in an animal hospital for a few months when I was in high school, and I didn't have the stomach for it. Poor animals... I can't hack it.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

     

    Hehehe, and if I got to the pearly gates, I'd love to hear God say, "You know..you just BARELY made it here!" LOL! I'm not an evil person, but I'd love to know that I had some 'fun' while I was alive.  

     

    @comicfan

    What is your motto?

     

    No matter what, find a way. I've had more than my share of issues and, while it might take a while, I find a way to do the things I need to.

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

     

    Finally! Do you know that number of people and pets that have been waiting for you?

     

    @Defiance19

    What are you most proud of?

     

    The what, is my ability in knowing when and how to be patient. It has served me well as an educator, and as a mostly single mom raising a son, of whom I am most proud. Today I look at the man he has become, I hear how people speak of him, how they see him, and my heart swells. I like knowing I maybe had a little something to do with that. 

     

    • • •

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates

     

    You did good, kid. I’m sorry, and I know I have a lot to explain. Your family is waiting, but if you need to hit the wine first, it’s down this hall. 

     

    • • • • •

     

    @Graeme

     

    What turns you off?

     

    That's a pretty wide-ranging question, so I'm going to narrow it to just my reading habits. My other habits are private...

     

    I like stories that go somewhere. I'm pretty tolerant, but if a story doesn't appear to progress, I'll eventually stop reading. For example, I stopped reading Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series after ten books because, while lots of things were happening, the overall plot seemed to be going nowhere. I know that series is now complete, but after giving up on it, I haven't been able to find the motivation to go back and purchase the final few books in the series.

     

    The other big thing that turns me off are stories that feel forced. I like stories to flow naturally, and too much forcing turns me off. That's why there are some TV series that I initially liked, but then stopped watching because the writers forced things too much. Superhero/supervillain stories are a good example of what I'm talking about. Writers tend to introduce more and more powerful supervillains, which starts an arms race of more and more powerful superheroes...and it doesn't end well.

     

    • •

     

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say, when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

     

    I thought it was supposed to be St. Peter who met people at the Pearly Gates?

     

    Seriously, though, what I'd like to hear is "Thank you for helping people." The best praise I've ever received from a reader was being told that I had made a difference. That particular email still makes me proud and happy. That's the sort of thing I'd like to be recognised and remembered for when I leave this mortal world.

     

    @Parker Owens

    What sound or noise do you hate? 

     

    Generally, I prefer sweet, close harmony and sounds that incline to melody. And I hate insistent, high pitched alarm sounds that keep me from thinking.

     

    • • •

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

     

    “Hello, Parker. We've been waiting for you. What would you like to drink?”

     

    • • • • •

    @Mann Ramblings

    What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery? 

     

    That's a hard one. I imagine nothing goes lower than when despite all your best efforts, all your struggles and good intentions, the universe conspires against you and you still fail, causing you to lose the most precious thing you have, be it a person, place, or thing.

     

    • • •

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

     

     "Good to see you! Your friends are at the martini bar and since I knew you were coming, I collected that rugby team and muscle bear lineup you like so much to keep you occupied for an eternity or two. Everyone's waiting for you inside. You know the drill, clothing optional."

     

    • • • • •

    @Valkyrie

    What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

     

    This is a difficult question because I love my profession.  What people may not know is I'm actually on my second profession.  I worked as a horse trainer/riding instructor for quite a few years before becoming a speech-language pathologist. In some ways, it was my dream profession, even though I had to give it up for physical reasons.  If I had my choice of professions to try, I would say teaching English or literature, or even being a chef, since I like to cook.  Or something involving travel, since I like to do that too

     

    • • •

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

     

    That I lived a good, meaningful life.

     

    • • • • •

     

    There you have it! Thirteen authors for Issue # 13. There are a few more like these I’ll share over the next couple of months. I hope that was as enjoyable to read for you as it was for me.

  9. comicfan
    Latest Entry

    We are barely into November and the holidays are right around the corner. For most, this is the happiest time of the year. Unfortunately, I am looking at the loss of friends.

     

    This year has been rough. I've faced my own mortality, my own stupidity, and then death kept knocking.

     

    Barely out of the hospital, an 18 year old soldier found military life didn't suit him. He wrote to tell me he was sorry, but he had too much blood on his hands and the next thing I heard was he'd committed suicide.

     

    My brother and sister-in-law came up from Florida. My sister-in-law spent just over a week up here dealing with her mother as illness stole everything from her. My brother got time off and rushed up in time to help his wife and her family deal with the death. I managed to see them for all of maybe 5 hours for the first time in nine years when my mother passed.

     

    And within the last week a man I've been friends with for over seven years from GA lost his fight with cancer. He was a father, a son, and a friend. With his passing he leaves three children behind. He will be missed, though we didn't always see eye to eye. Rest in peace Carl.

     

    So the year isn't over. We have reached autumn and here in the Northeast the leaves are changing and the temperature is dropping. While most are focusing on the holidays, my attention turns inward and my memory is filled with those I have loved and lost. The only thing I can do is go on.  

     

    Never miss the chance to say you love someone. You never know when that might be your last opportunity. 

  10. HOWDY Y'ALL! Long time, no see! :hug: It's time for another College Week, or two in this case, lol. And guys, I'm more than half way through the semester, wohoo, I've survived so far! :D 

    Spoiler

    For now anyways. :P 

     

    Well, let's get to it!

     

    PHYS 2425: Last week, we learned about pendulums and oscillations. And I'm surprised at how quickly it clicked with me. Usually it takes me a while to get comfortable with the concepts from my professor's lectures. Anyways, we learned about both simple and physical pendulums, and undamped, damped, and forced oscillations.  This week, we finished up the lectures on oscillations and moved on to waves. This was an incredibly fascinating topic, we learned about the motion of a wave, its energy, how it interacts in different mediums (i.e. water vs. air), and how to create wave equations. Speaking of, when my teacher got to wave equations, he showed us how to use partial differentiation to figure out its speed and acceleration. On that calculus related note...

    MATH 2414: Before Break, my teacher introduced partial fractions briefly. Well, after we got back from Break, we dove right in, and I love it! You see, fractions can be difficult to integrate. When a fraction is in the form du/u (where the numerator is the derivative of the denominator) then you can integrate easily, but if it's not then you have to get creative. And that's where partial fractions come in, this method basically splits a difficult fraction into simpler fractions that can be integrated easily. And all I can say is it's a really fun process, although many of you wouldn't understand... you'd have to be a math nerd like me. :P So what about this week? Well, we reviewed integration by parts, trig integrals, and partial fractions, because my class will be taking an exam on those topics next week. That reminds me, my teacher finally returned our first exams, and I got an A+! :D 

    ENGR 1201: Well, this week, I volunteered to help out at a local Robotics Tournament for kids,  and I'll be one of the judges. I've never judged something like this before, but I know I'll receive a quick orientation before the tournament begins. So, why am I mentioning this here? Well, it was my College's Engineering Club that alerted me to this tournament, and my Engineering teacher okayed it as an assignment for her students. Anyways, I'm looking forward to it!

     

    That's not all!

    Reflections on College Life: I decided to write this after Finals, that way I have the previous four months to look back on. :) 

     

    Civic Duty: In 2013, I turned 18, and therefore became eligible to vote. The first election I could have participated in, was the 2014 Midterm, but I didn't due to general apathy. This time was different, yesterday, I cast my first vote in a Midterm Election!

     

    Okay, that's as far as I'll get into politics in this post.

     

    So, those were my last two weeks. Now, I need to get back to studying. 

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    Recent Entries

    MrM
    Latest Entry

    pEKzf4F.jpg

     

     

      

    Track List

    ——————————————————

    1. Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience
    2. Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him
    3. Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day
    4. Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression
    5. The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession
    6. See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion
    7. Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises 
    8. Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’
    9. I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity
    10. Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness
    11. In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him
    12. The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality
    13. Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More
    14. Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool
    15. Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely
    16. So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate
    17. Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish
    18. Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored
    19. The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling
    20. Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix  (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay! 
    21. Love Will Tears Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons
    22. The Crying Game (Boy George) - Loveless Again
    23. Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out
    24. Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell
    25. The Rumor (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’
    26. Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance

    ————————————

    Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience

     

    Crosses in the distance, bells ring fast

    Loveless in our shelter, time will pass

    Could you take the chance on us?

    Could you take the chance on us?

     

    Call out to the lonely with regrets

    Loveless is your answer, time will pass

    Couldn’t take a chance on us

    Couldn’t take a chance on us

     

    Take my hand

    In belief we trace our steps

    Understand

    No relief in silhouettes

     

    Battled myself so many times

    What I was isn’t what I want now

    We can seek denial and search for miles

     

    Blessed love, the love I need

    Rolling drums, the Loveless bleed

     

    Take my hand

    In belief we trace our steps

    Understand

    No relief in silhouettes

     

    Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him

     

    Oh it's Sunday night

    I am lying in my bed

    Thinking of the time

    When I was in your arms

    The other day

    Oh it's been so long

    I could not see

    Waiting for someone

    That was always right

    In front of me

     

    Why didn't I say something?

    Didn't do something?

    When I knew right

    Yeah, you could be with me

    Why was I so blind?

    Why didn't I take the time?

    And now you're gone, boy

    Oh you could be with me

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    That You said to me, my baby

    You're out of reach

    Tossing and turning

    I cannot sleep

    Haunted by the things

    That I did not say, my baby

    You're out of reach

    You're out of reach

     

    If I could go back and rewind

    I'd show you that

    You're more than just a friend

    In every way

    I'd tell you all my secrets

    Boy, if you come back

    I'll never let you down

    I'll let you in

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    That you said to me, my baby

    You're out of reach

    Tossing and turning

    I cannot sleep

    Haunted by the things

    That I did not say, my baby

    You're out of reach

    You're out of reach

     

    Where are you now when the lights are low?

    Cause I'm thinking of you, I won't let you go

     

    Why didn't I say something?

    Didn't do something?

    When I knew right

    Yeah, you could be with me

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    You said to me, to me

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    You said to me, to me

     

    Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day

     

    Good times for a change

    Seems the luck I've had

    Can make a good man

    Turn bad

     

    So please, please, please

    Let me, let me, let me

    Let me get what I want

    This time

     

    Haven't had a dream in a long time

    Seems the life I've had

    Can make a good man bad

     

    So for once in my life

    Let me get what I want

    Lord knows, it would be the first time

    Lord knows, it would be the first time

     

    Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression

     

    I'm not going down on my knees,

    Begging you to adore me

    Can't you see it's misery

    And torture for me

    When I'm misunderstood

    Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could

    To make you see

    How important it is for me

     

    Here is a plea

    From my heart to you

    Nobody knows me

    As well as you do

    You know how hard it is for me

    To shake the disease

    That takes hold of my tongue

    In situations like these

     

    Understand me

     

    Some people have to be

    Permanently together

    Lovers devoted to

    Each other forever

    Now I've got things to do

    And I've said before that I know you have too

    When I'm not there

    In spirit I'll be there

     

    Here is a plea

    From my heart to you

    Nobody knows me

    As well as you do

    You know how hard it is for me

    To shake the disease

    That takes hold of my tongue

    In situations like these

     

    Understand me

     

    The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession

     

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

     

    I will be

    In the bar

    With my head

    On the bar

    I am now

    A central part

    Of your mind's landscape

    Whether you care

    Or do not

    Yeah, I've made up your mind

     

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

     

    Beware!

    I bear more grudges

    Than lonely high court judges

    When you sleep

    I will creep

    Into your thoughts

    Like a bad debt

    That you can't pay

    Take the easy way

    And give in

    Yeah, and let me in

    Oh, let me in

    Oh, let me ahhh

    Oh, let me in

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    War

    War

    War

    War

    Oh, let me in

    Ah, the closer I get

    Oh, you're asking for it

    Ah, the closer I get

    Ooh, the closer I get

     

    See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion

     

    All I want to do is see you again

    Is that too much to ask for?

    I just want to see your sweet smile

    Smile the way it was before 

    Well I'll try not to hold you

    And I'll try not to kiss you

     

    And I won't even touch you 

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true 

     

    I remember the days when we'd walk through the woods

    And sit on a bench for a while

    I treasure the way we used to laugh and play

    And look in each others eyes 

    You can keep me at a distance if you don't trust my resistance

     

    But I swear I won't touch you 

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true 

     

    Well, I know five months is a long time

    And that times change (oh that times change)

    But I think that you will find

    People are basically the same (basically the same) 

     

    If the water's still flowing, we can go for a swim

    And do the things we used to do

    And if I'm reluctant you can pull me in

    And we can relive our youth 

    Oh, but we'll stay friendly like friends and brothers

     

    Though I think I still love you

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true?

     

    Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises 

     

    It's time we should talk about it

    There's no secret kept in here

    Forgive me for asking

    Now wipe away your tears

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    I sat on the roof

    And watched the day go by

    I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands

    Makes it all worthwhile

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    It's time we should talk about it

    There's no secret kept in here

    I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands

    Makes it all worthwhile

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’

     

    We walked the loneliest mile

    We smile without any style

    We kiss all together wrong

    No intention

     

    We lie about what each other thinks

    We live without each other

    Thinking what anyone would do

    Without me and you

     

    It's like I told you

    Only the lonely can play

     

    So hold on, here we go

    Hold on to nothin' we know

    I feel so lonely

    Way up here

     

    You mention the time we were together

    So long ago well I don't remember

    All I know is it makes me feel good now

     

    It's like I told you only the lonely can play

    Only the lonely only the lonely can play

     

    Only the lonely only the lonely can play

    It's like I told you only the lonely can play

    Only the lonely

    Only the lonely can play

     

    I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity

     

    Stay here with me before you go

    You know you're sweet the way you are

    Fall on my knees, I can't hold on

    ‘Cause I won't sleep 'til I am with

     

    You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Walk in your sleep to the backyard

    Dig up the bones of what once was

    I'm growing weak from working hard

    A shimmerless life when I'm without

     

    You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Take back what I said

    I know that you've tried too

    If I had what I want

    Let time go without us

     

    With You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness

     

    [Chorus: x2]

    Come on and lay with me

    Come on and lie to me

    Tell me you love me

    Say I'm the only one

     

    Experiences have a lasting impression

    But words once spoken

    Don't mean a lot now

     

    Belief is the way

    The way of the innocent

    And when I say innocent

    I should say naïve

     

    So lie to me

    But do it with sincerity

    Make me listen

    Just for a minute

    Make me think

    There's some truth in it

     

    [Chorus: x2]

     

    Promises made for convenience

    Aren't necessarily

    What we need

    Truth is a word

    That's lost its meaning

    The truth has become

    Merely half-truth

     

    So lie to me

    Like they do it in the factory

    Make me think

    That at the end of the day

    Some great reward

    Will be coming my way

     

    [Chorus: Repeats]

     

    In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him

     

    In your room

    Where time stands still

    Or moves at your will

    Will you let the morning come soon

    Or will you leave me lying here

    In your favourite darkness

    Your favourite half-light

    Your favourite consciousness

    Your favourite slave 

     

    In your room

    Where souls disappear

    Only you exist here

    Will you lead me to your armchair

    Or leave me lying here

    Your favourite innocence

    Your favourite prize

    Your favourite smile

    Your favourite slave 

     

    I'm hanging on your words

    Living on your breath

    Feeling with your skin

    Will I always be here 

     

    In your room

    Your burning eyes

    Cause flames to arise

    Will you let the fire die down soon

    Or will I always be here

    Your favourite passion

    Your favourite game

    Your favourite mirror

    Your favourite slave 

     

    I'm hanging on your words

    Living on your breath

    Feeling with your skin

    Will I always be here

     

    The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality

     

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    That's all I need 

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    I want release 

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    Oh, release 

    That's all I wanted from your touch 

    Your golden leaks 

     

    I want to... I want to breathe 

    I want you... I want release 

    I want to... want to breathe 

    I want you... I want release 

     

    This is the last day of the summer, so wake up boy x4 

    This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy 

    This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy 

    This is the last day... 

    This is the last day of your world, Golden Boy

     

    Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More

     

    Everybody knows you’re not perfect 

    But you still do your best to hide your flaws. 

     

    Everything you do is just surface 

    But we all know what goes on behind closed doors. 

     

    You’ll never know how it feels 

    To be out on a limb, in the wind. 

     

    And you’ll never know how much it hurts 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    Everything we do is falling snowflakes 

    It will all have melted by the dawn. 

    Give up all your fears for your own sakes 

    And follow me out into the storm. 

     

    You’ll never know how it feels 

    To be out on a limb, in the wind. 

     

    And you’ll never know how much it hurts 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars

     

    Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool

     

    I remember when you filled my heart with joy

    Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space?

    'Cause now you have no interest in anything that I have to say

    And I have allowed you to make me feel, I feel so dumb

    What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

     

    You made a fool of me

    Tell me why

    You say that you don't care that we made love

    Tell me why

    You made a fool of me . . . you made a fool of me

     

    I want to kiss you

    Does he want you with the pain that I do?

    I smell you in my dreams

    But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye

    No time, No friendship, No love

     

    You say don't touch you

    I can't touch you no more

    Can't touch you anymore, anymore

    I don't touch you anymore

     

    You made a fool of me

    Tell me why

    You say that you don't care that we made love

    Tell me why

    You made a fool of me, you made a fool of me

     

    Tell me why.

     

    Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely

     

    Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us

    Broke me in two 

    We could've spent our life together

    Now we're pushed apart forever

     

    Not long to go

    I gotta get myself together

    Ain't gonna be like this forever

     

    Our broken dreams

    Now I can't believe our love is finally over

     

    It hurts too much to be apart

    Is it real, this love?

    Can you feel my touch?

     

    Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us

    Broke me in two 

    We could've spent our life together

    Now we're pushed apart forever

     

    It hurts too much to be apart

    Is it real, this love?

    Can you feel my touch?

     

    So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate

     

    Talk to me, don't lie to me

    Save your breath

    Don't look at me, don't smile at me

    Just close your eyes

     

    I was so impressed by you

    I was running blind

    I would fall for every trick

    Every twist of mind

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    ~ Jimmy thinks Billy is saying with his silence

    Don't say your prayers, don't build your hopes

    Just walk away

    Don't phone me up, don't call around

    Don't waste your time’ 

     

    You were so in awe of me

    You were so divine

    You would do just anything

    To still be mine’

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    All the things you said to me

    I was so obsessed

    You were always talking, talking

    God, I did my best

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    (I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    (I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    I was so in love, I was so in love, I was so in love with you

    So in love with you

     

    Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish

     

    No, I can't forget this evening

    Or your face as you were leaving

    But I guess that's just the way the story goes

    You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows

    Yes, it shows

     

    No, I can't forget tomorrow

    When I think of all my sorrows

    When I had you there, but then you let me go

    And now it's only fair that I should let you know

    What you should know

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    Can't live, if living is without you

    Can't give, I can't give any more

     

    No, I can't forget this evening

    Or your face as you were leaving

    But I guess that's just the way the story goes

    You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows

    Yes, it shows

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    Can't live, if living is without you

    Can't give, I can't give any more

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

     

    Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored

     

    Scared of losing touch 

    If I really mean that much 

    Why pretend that you love him? 

    Don't call me out of the blue 

    It's clear that I still do 

    And you know he knows it too. 

    Going home alone 

    The only love I've known 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

     

    Tell me it's not real 

    Tell me he doesn't make you feel 

    The way I made you feel 

    If you care for me at all 

    You'll hang up when I call 

    You'll clear me the space to fall 

    If you give I will receive 

    And despite what they believe 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

     

    ~ Sam’s Helping Hand

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know’ 

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    It's always been you.

     

    The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling

     

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?

    How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?

    Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?

    How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

    How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?

    How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies?

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine?

    Tell Me........

     

    How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything.

    All My Love, All I Had Inside.

    How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?

    How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?

     

    I Thought We Had Forever.

    I Cant Understand.

     

    How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?

    How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

    Won’t Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me?

    Tell Me........

     

    How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?

    How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?

    I Thought We Had Forever.

    I Cant Understand.

     

    *How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?

    How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?

    Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?*

     

    How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

    How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?

    How Could The One I Was So True Too Just Tell Me Lies?

     

    *How Could The One I Gave My Heart To.....

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To....

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To Break This Heart of Mine?

    Tell Me........

     

    Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix  (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay! 

     

    Flicking through yesterday’s news 

    Slipping my neck into the noose again 

    Well it fits so well. 

    Doesn't know where his loyalties lie - 

    Then again neither do I. 

    Going out thinking I am there 

    Waking up in his arms but then

    I Never knew it would be so hard 

    Never knew I would be a part of this 

    Bitterness. 

     

    I try to fall awake but I still sleep 

    Wait for a week but I am weak 

    And resolutions fail 

    And once again I'm throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

     

    Stand in the payphone, count to ten 

    But you won’t call me back again. 

    Sends a little shiver right through me 

    When I hear you running down to me. 

    But I know you’ll only turn away 

    ‘Cause you've got nothing left to say to me 

    Well; hear me out. 

     

    I try to fall awake but I still sleep 

    Wait for a week but I am weak. 

    And resolutions fail 

    And once again I'm throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing Stones 

    At your window.

     

     Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons

     

    ~ Sending a photo hoping Billy will think this about Brandon

    ‘When routine bites hard

    And ambitions are low

    And resentment rides high

    But emotions won't grow

    And we're changing our ways, taking different roads

     

    Then love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

     

    Why is the bedroom so cold?

    You've turned away on your side

    Is my timing that flawed?

    Our respect runs so dry

    Yet there's still this appeal

    That we've kept through our lives

     

    But love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

     

    You cry out in your sleep

    All my failings exposed

    And there's a taste in my mouth

    As desperation takes hold

    Just that something so good just can't function no more

     

    But love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again’

     

    The Crying Game (Boy George) - To Be Loveless Again

     

    I know all there is to know about the crying game

    I've had my share of the crying game

    First there are kisses

    Then there are sighs

    And then, before you know where you are

    You're sayin' goodbye

     

    One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon about the crying game

    And if he knows, maybe he'll explain

    Why there are heartaches (Heartaches)?

    Why there are tears (So sad)?

    Then what to do to stop feeling blue

    When love disappears

     

    First there are kisses (Kisses)

    Then there are sighs (So sad)

    And then, before you know where you are

    You're sayin' goodbye

     

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game

     

     Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out

     

    Through early morning fog I see

    Visions of the things to be

    The pains that are withheld for me

    I realize and I can see

     

    That suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    The game of life is hard to play

    I'm gonna lose it anyway

    The losing card I'll someday lay

    So this is all I have to say

     

    Suicide is painless (suicide)

    It brings on many changes (changes)

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    The sword of time will pierce our skins

    It doesn't hurt when it begins

    But as it works its way on in

    The pain grows stronger

    Watch it grin

     

    Suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    A brave man once requested me

    To answer questions that are key

    Is it to be or not to be?’

    And I replied, ‘oh why ask me?’

     

    Suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    And you can do the same thing if you please

     

    Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell

     

    It's a shame that it had to be this way

    It's not enough to say I'm sorry

    It's not enough to say I'm sorry

     

    Maybe I'm to blame

    Or maybe we're the same

    But, either way I can't breathe

    Either way I can't breathe

     

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

     

    I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive

    Cause everything we've been through

    And everything about you

    Seemed to be a lie

    A guiltless twisted lie

    It made me learn to hate you

    Or hate myself for letting it pass by

     

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

     

    And every, everything isn't only

    What it seemed so hold these

    Words that you never told me

    Its time to say goodbye

    Its time to say goodbye

    Its time to say goodbye

    Goodbye

     

    Bye

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    (And so on)

     

    The Rumour (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’

     

    Boy of fourteen

    Whole life ahead of him

    Slashed his wrists 

    Bored with life

    Didn't succeed 

    Thank the Lord

    For small mercies

     

    Fighting back the tears

    Mother reads the note again

    Fourteen candles burn in her mind

    She takes the blame

    It's always the same

    She goes down on her knees

    And prays . . .

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    Boy of fourteen

    Fell in love with somebody

    Found new life inside their eyes

    Hit by a lie 

    Ended up

    On a life support machine

     

    Summer's day 

    As he passed away

    Birds were singing 

    In the summer's sky

    Then came the rain

    And once again

    A tear fell

    From his mother's eye

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance

     

    When the dark wood fell before me

    And all the paths were overgrown

    When the priests of pride say there is no other way

    I tilled the sorrows of stone

     

    I did not believe because I could not see

    Though you came to me in the night

    When the dawn seemed forever lost

    You showed me your love in the light of the stars

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Then the mountain rose before me

    By the deep well of desire

    From the fountain of forgiveness

    Beyond the ice and fire

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Though we share this humble path, alone

    How fragile is the heart

    Oh give these clay feet wings to fly

    To touch the face of the stars

     

    Breathe life into this feeble heart

    Lift this mortal veil of fear

    Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears

    We'll rise above these earthly cares

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Please remember me

    Please remember me

    Please remember me . . .

  11. First off, a huge Thank You to @Graeme for handling the theme selection for me this year!  We had a lot of great theme suggestions, but only four could be our 2019 GA Anthology themes. Thank you to everyone who voted. Before we get to the themes for next year, a quick reminder. You only have a few days to get your anthologies to the proof team for the 2018 Fall Anthology: Fight Back & Good Intentions. You can use one or both themes in your anthology entry, but you will have to pick which one you'd like your story to be put under. Just make sure you have them to the proof team no later than November 15th!!!! You can check out the guidelines here!  Now, let's take a look at next years themes!

     

    2019 Spring Anthology
    Due: May 15, 2019

    In the Stars

    Snapped

     

    2019 Fall Anthology

    Due: November 15, 2019

    Fall From Grace

    Raincheck

     

  12. This challenge was so popular two weeks ago and we have another open blog today, so I thought we'd have some more Halloween fun. It's almost here! It's a super simple challenge that helps get your creative juices flowing... write a caption for this image below that tells a story and share it in the blog comments. You have just 30 words or less to share what you think is happening in the picture. Narrate the scene, give a spooky reason why those jack-o-lantern's are clustered there, or give us a peek at the events about to happen... Are they about to get revenge for the carving? Eeek!  

     

    You tell us! 

     

    pumpkins-1586516_640.jpg

    CAPTION THIS

     

     

    Remember, authors, you can get featured in the site blogs with several author features but you have to sign up for them! 

    Story Critique: Open to all GA authors. Sign up here

    Story Recommendations:  Open to all GA authors & readers. PM your recommendation and why you recommend it to a Site Admin.

  13. Four months ago, at least from the outside, most would say that I was on top of the world. I have a good job, a great apartment, and an amazing boyfriend. I had a good start on a saving account, a brand new car with all the bells and whistles. If I was a normal person, I would have been content at the success I enjoyed. Yet for all those possessions, something was lacking in my life.

    I first started working in hospitality the year I turned 21. I really didn't have the opportunity to go to college, and didn't really have any other avenues to traverse. What else could a cute gay boy do for work besides shake his ass as a bartender.

    And though I moved from working in gay bars, then stopped bar-tending completely, only to move into serving before landing a job as a manager a few years later. Truthfully, at least professionally, it was the only thing I was ever good at. And I can say with complete modesty, I am very good at my job.

    From the time I was a young boy, my only dream was to be a writer. And until I turned thirty, I followed that dream. But then I got sidetracked, I started listening to others telling me that I had to secure a future. So I guess you could say, I fell into the hospitality business. I built a career out of the one thing I was good at and for a time, I was content to do so.

    But content is not happy. The future was starting to cement, I started growing my savings account. And I had built up quite an impressive resume with some of the most successful people in San Francisco. 

    I calculated each move, every time I left and took a new position, it was for a better future for me. I sacrificed a five year relationship and more friends then I would care to admit in my single minded ambition to secure a future. 

    For a time, I told myself that when I reached success, when I finally made it, then I would focus on my personal life. But truth be told, the more successful you become, the more time and energy it takes to maintain that success. I started to wonder when enough would be enough. 

    Then I met "N" two years ago. Three hours after meeting him, I told my friend that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I just knew it. Two months later, I had gave up my condo in Daly City and moved into San Francisco with him. Again, from the outside, most people would say that I had it all. 

    But I wasn't happy. And yes, I could mask it at work, I am a professional after all. But the years of 14 hour days, six to seven days a week, working every single weekend. Sometimes not getting home until 1am only to get up at 4am and then head back to work for another 14 hour day. 

    "N" understood the long hours, after all, he is in the same business as me. The difference, the owner he works for truly believes in work life balance, and he rarely works more than 40 hours a week and always gets two days off a week in a row. I am not so fortunate. 

    In the dark parts of the night, snuggled in bed with "N", I told him about my long forgotten dream of becoming a writer. Of course he was interested in reading my work as any good "N" would be, I showed him my past writings. And he started to encourage me to take up the words again. And over the last two years, I have slowly dipped my toes in the water of creativity again. Though it had only been occasionally and in brief spurts only. And much like the discovery of an old friend, I started to realize how much I enjoyed sitting down at my laptop and spewing forth nonsense onto the screen.

    The dedication it takes to operate at the level I had managed to achieve is total commitment. It's working 14 hours in the restaurant, then spending another three hours at home answering emails from the department managers and various vendors that need my attention it seems daily.

    I will admit, I probably worked more than I needed too but the restaurant brought in 12 million a year and I was responsible for every dollar of it. So yes, my focus was on the bottom line for more than just my quarterly bonus.

    It had been brewing for a while, my unhappiness at work. And I can't blame the owner for wanting to make the most money he possibly could. But I started to wonder how much money was enough. I knew the numbers, I knew the magic number. Once the restaurant makes this magic number, anything over that amount is profit for the owner. And he was a single owner, he had no partners. So when he set the budget for this year 25% more than last year, I had to wonder what he was thinking. 

    He's the owner, he can set whatever budget he wants, its his right. And as a professional, it was my job to try and hit that budget. I"m not so naive that I don't understand business. He is only in it for the money. And its his money and his right.

    Any of you that understand budgets and how the restaurant business works, it is highly unlikely that any restaurant, unless something out of the ordinary happens, to grow a business by 25% over the previous year.  Especially when 35% of your business is tied up with the Moscone Center and their convention business.

    I'll give him the unreachable budget. When it was written the year before, he did not know Moscone Center was going to be in construction and all the conventions we enjoyed in 2017 would not be there in 2018.

    Nor did he realize that international tourism is down due to our current political climate. Add that to our out of control homeless problem and several large conventions citing homeless issues as the reason they are no longer booking in San Francisco, and its no wonder all restaurants in the city are down fifteen percent city wide.

    After talking with friends in the accounting world, he should be happy he's only down 10%. He is actually doing better than most currently in San Francisco. I have lost count of the high end restaurant closures and the celebrity chefs that are struggling to keep the doors open.

    I know the main reason he raised my budget so high, was to help cover the cost of his new restaurant that was opened in 2017 and was struggling, to put it mildly, in the current climate.

    For full disclosure, I started losing my happiness at work the moment I met "N" and realized he was something outside of work that was more important than anything. It had been brewing for months. So when the culture of the restaurant started to change and the owner started to show his stress more and more.

    So during the monthly meeting when he demanded what I was going to do to attain this budget, I brought out the numbers, a bit more in detail than what I describe above, and he looked at me and responded that it was only excuses and he didn't pay me to give him excuses. And he is right. He didn't pay me to give him excuses.

    So I said the first thing that came to me. And trust me, I had given better speeches over my career. And it might have been a mistake, but every fiber in my being said it was the right thing to do. I can't say what I told him, I don't really remember. But I resigned that day. For the first time in my life, I walked away with no notice and no prospects.

    San Francisco is a small town, every owner knows all the rest. And leaving like I did was not the smartest thing I could have done, but that was the day my happiness returned.

    And I will be honest, it wasn't just because my owner is an asshole, he is. But I don't think my life has room for something that is so demanding that takes me away from being happy in my life. 

    So for two months I've sat in my great apartment with my amazing boyfriend and made time for myself. For the first time in ten years, I have nothing to do. Everyday I spend time with "N" before he goes to work. Then I clean the house, I do laundry, sometimes I play video games, sometimes I get hammered in the middle of the day for no reason, but most of the time, after I do my house chores, I sit down at my laptop and write. 

    I write like I did in my twenties when the desire was strong and I didn't know what the future held but I was excited to face it. 

    My vacation payout alone was two months salary and I figured I was going to enjoy every moment. We aren't rich and my little diversion from work won't last much longer. After all, this is the most expensive city in the country to live and he won't let me be a bum much longer.

    I think my time in hospitality has come to a close. I think my next job will be something that will allow me to pay my bills yet leave me time to focus on what really matters in this life.

    The night I left my job, I went out and bought my amazing boyfriend a ring, we are planning on getting married next June and life could not be happier for me.

  14. Dabeagle
    Latest Entry

    There comes a point where you might look at your work and wonder how good or bad it is. You may wonder which mistakes you're making, be they grammatical or creative. Sometimes an editor or beta reader helps you catch those things, but what if it's what you intended? How much do our intentions, in the front of our mind of unconsciously, play into the final product? I'd imagine the answer is different for different writers, so I can only give you my view.

     

    One of the things I do is make teenage characters sound too old, too mature. There are some kids who act older than their age, but by and large they don't. I have kids. They aren't like my characters, except perhaps in small flashes. In fact my theory of parenting is tiny bits of wonderful surrounded by a whole lot of WTF. SO why would I write characters that aren't the norm for that age group? Well, I'll tell you why.

     

    Where do young people get a lot of information, both good and bad or just plan wrong? The internet. For all the good things, we have to accept the bad as well and the fact is you can put just about anything you like up there and some schlub will believe it. That is dangerous in a general sense, but even worse when you head toward the industry that leads the way forward in so many things - technology, online business and I'm referring to porn, of course. It's ready available, in fact you can search for something not associated with porn and still find a porn site. There are free cams that require no more than you saying that you're of age no matter how old you really are. Kids are clever, especially when it comes to satisfying those curiosities. Usually, they don't have the maturity to handle that. In my opinion, it's worse for gay kids. In a world where there are people who do all the things they do to gay people as a class, it's even worse when you're a kid. If you never wanted to tell your straight son that a VW bus full of cheerleaders wasn't going to roll into his driveway and have wild sex with him - but did because porn is all about fantasy, you did the right thing. I wish more people would talk to their kids about porn instead of just telling them no.

     

    So, then, if people talk to their straight kids about porn in a meaningful way (I'm guessing a middling percent might), how much lower are the numbers for gay kids? Where will they learn about relationships and the role sexual intimacy plays? Porn? If they did choose to read my stuff, they might find a better way. To delve into the ideas that we care about our partners, that they feel good with us and give consent to be a part of whatever is happening. Will they relate to the more mature characters? Maybe, if it's laid out logically and they can see the path it took to get there.

     

    I recall watching the Fosters on TV and someone saying to me 'They just go from the kids doing one stupid thing to another. Don't they ever learn?' I wonder how many kids it helped, and how many rolled their eyes and said 'How dumb can they be?' Hey, kids screw up. Some adults screw up more than a kid. Sometimes logic doesn't play a big role. I try to balance some of that, but in the end I want young people to take away the idea of respectful, meaningful relationships and not substitute sex for love.

     

    So my younger character will probably continue to be more mature than they should be, for the most part. But it's for a good reason.

  15. Hi everyone.

    When thinking about private detectives, most would think of the eternal Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, or the brilliant Hercule Poirot, by Agatha Agatha Christie. I want to share with you one of my favourite detectives. Again, this suggestion is not a book, but a whole series of novellas and short stories. 

     

    This time the character is not LGBT, but it’s an odd character indeed. What’s not to like in a misogynist man that thinks most women are hysterical, lives by a very strict schedule that has him spending 4 hours a day with is orchids (2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon), drinks beer religiously every day, and behaves as if high quality food was the only reason for living? Did I say that he hates to work and almost never leaves his brownstone house in New York, that he shares with 3 other males, his assistant investigator (that actually do the leg work), his gardener and his chef? He is Nero Wolfe, first published in 1934 by Rex Stout. There are more than 30 books, so today I am not recommending a particular on since I haven’t read them all, but I found delicious the several stories I read, in that half-depressed, half-stunning environment of the 30s. If you like XX century detective’s stories, you should try.

     

    PS: There are some movies, old radio, and TV shows as well, and after Rex Stout’s death, he authorized the continuation of the Nero Wolfe series. Can’t recommend though, since I have not read any yet. 

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  16. Neil Gaiman once wrote, in response to angry A Song of Ice and Fire fans demanding the next book in the series, 'George R. R. Martin is not your bitch.'

     

    Much like getting attacked on Twitter, I think alienating readers is proof that you're doing something right, if that makes any sense. You've pushed someone's buttons, made them think or feel in some way, even if it was negative. I have alienated multiple readers because of artistic choices I have made, and the same artistic choices have kept many more on the edges of their seats. And that's fine. People don't have to read my books, they have every right in the world to put them down and go do something else. Lord knows I have. (Full disclosure: I find Lord of the Rings dreadfully boring and never made it past the third chapter.) Life is too short to read books you don't like. Some people didn't like all the swearing in The Jacob & Marcus Tales and stopped reading. Some people didn't like what I put my characters through in Nemesis. And I'm sure I've lost lots of readers who never said anything, simply put down the book, and moved on.

     

    But then some readers become angry. They feel entitled to have the story move in the direction they wanted it to. They claim ownership of someone else's creative labours. I will happily receive constructive criticism of my work. And I love hearing and reading what people think of what I write. I think it's wonderful that we can have this kind of interaction, that you and I can communicate about the things we write. But no one has the right to dictate what I should write, just like I have no right to dictate anyone else's work. And it's all in the delivery; some people are just rude.

     

    I firmly believe that art is a dialogue between artist and audience, but the artist still has final say.

     

    The thing is, I don't write for you. I write for me, and I share it with you just in case you might like it. That, I think, is what most writers do, certainly most good ones. Often when I write, the story and the characters take me in a completely different direction from what I thought they would, and that creates richer stories for me to write. I will never compromise my artistic vision to make people like me. I write what I want, what the story wants, and if people like it, that's great. If they don't, they can stop reading. But don't yell at me for my story moving in a direction you didn't anticipate. For lack of a better phrase, that's a dick move.

     

    So, dear reader, just to clarify: I am not your bitch.

  17. Ever look back and realize you've done more than you thought you did?

     

    I've mentioned some word counts before. Edited chapter 4 of "2-14-9X" today for @Comicality's magazine. When I pasted the edits into this running word file I keep the whole story in I noticed something. 

     

    30, 747 words

     

    Now, that's not too far from the last publicized count, I know. But it's still been a while since I took stock of the whole, you know?

     

    Considering most of that was written between December 2017 and March 2018 progress has slowed considerably. But, to those of you who read my interview in the March 2018 issue of @Comicality's Imagine Magazine, my writing hasn't, and isn't always as readily available of my imagination.

     

    The gap between imagining something, no matter how detailed, and expressing that vision. is sometimes wider than others. Sometimes it's the crack in the sidewalk between to slabs, something unnoticed as w=one goes along. Sometimes it's a canyon, and there isn't always a bridge. Sometimes it feels so far that one side is out of sight of the other.

     

    Even when it's working, another issue is control. I may say "I really need to edit chapter 5, I'm behind schedule," only to have my concentration slide away from me to concepts, scenes, whole stories, that have nothing to do with a certain night's events that happened to be on Valentine's Day. And trying to force it one way instead of where it wants to go can mean that nothing really gets done. Proofreading is one thing, and that can be hard enough to concentrate on, but editing is more than that. In the case of chapter 5 well, there are things that have to work or… Well they don't yet so no chapter 5 for you guys. And I may say that "chapter 8 really needs some attention" (XP) same deal. Just because I want to write it doesn't mean that's what I can concentrate on. I mean just look at chapter 2 of predators 3/4 finished since before I started 2 – 14 – 9X. I know what happens next, I watched it play out a a dozen times in my head.

     

    (Are you loving or hating a look behind the scenes right now? Be honest.)

     

    And sometimes, this is speaking more historically, there's a difference between writing something, writing something that's good, and writing something that's useful. I have at least three "novels" that are each unfinished, probably more than 100 pages apiece, and they tell so little of the story for all that wordage that it's not even funny. Not to me anyway. It's not that what I wrote is bad, it's just... ugh. Slow. Or focuses so much on setting that by the time the actors start doing something there's no momentum carried over from the previous scene.

     

    So maybe there's only been a few thousand words of progress over the last few months. But trust me, a few thousand words of progress are better than tens of thousands that don't go anywhere.  

     

    *Looks offstage when there's muttering from the wings* "Yes yes I'm still going to tell your stories someday."

     

    Probably in the grand scheme of things my old writing accomplishes in more than 100 pages less story mileage than I've managed to do in Predators: 2-4-9X thus far. 

     

    I'll take the right 4k words over the good but useless 40k I might otherwise have added in the past. Am I making sense?

     

    Writing aside, life presents its obstacles and distractions. Work, home, mood disorders, drama drama drama, even as a spectator. Sigh.

     

    I've got a couple people that might become beta readers. That will help if it happens. Nothing refuels focus on writing like talking about it with people.

     

    I've also joined a writing group IRL. While I don't know ow much that will help, I'm not exactly eager to volunteer "hey I write about teenagers having sex. Gay ones." I mean, that's not what I want to be the focus of my writing, the emotions are what matter but I think we all know that's the part that would stand out.

     

    They do something for national novel writing month and I have vague operations of participating. Which is why, except for engaging with my potential beta readers and if the mood strikes me to do otherwise, I'm going to be focusing on prep work for a short story that has been preoccupying me and the broader story that it inspired because that may be my NaNoWiMo project.

     

    I know 2-14 is already behind schedule and any diehards have been waiting for seven years for Predators chapter 2. But I hope my readers and fellow writers and everyone here can focus on the positive. If I even get close that means you guys could see something pretty complete. And writing is writing.

    .

    I started this log entry thinking about how far I've come, it makes sense to leave it at I thought of how far I have to go.

     

    I've said before, in that interview actually, my writing is my journey, and I hope that some of you want to come along.

     

     

  18. In September of last year, things in my memory get hazy quickly.  Bits and pieces have come back to me over time that I now know to be accurate, but I still have to recreate what happened based on how my memory fits in with explanations from friends and family, text messages and emails, and my hospital records.

     

    Since I was nineteen, I’ve been somewhat of a heavy drinker on and off.  God knows what all the drugs I did in my younger days did to me.  There were multiple times as a teen when I probably overdosed and just by sheer luck and the stamina of youth happened to pull through without any real incident.  Repercussions never happened, I never paid for anything in a real way, so I never really worried about it.

     

    At some point, though, I thought to myself that I better leave drugs alone.  They’re expensive, they lead to other crime and dangerous situations, and I enjoyed my lifestyle too much to jeopardize it by getting in trouble legally.  So in the interest of self-medicating, I turned to alcohol thinking that it’s relatively safe, relatively inexpensive, easy to obtain, and most important of all completely legal.  The problem with this is that I never do anything in a normal fashion.  No, I take it from a nice leisurely stroll to straight running a goddamn marathon overnight.

     

    Without putting in too much work on details here, eventually I got myself into a really bad situation.  I’d just broken up with my boyfriend of four and a half years, the longest relationship I’ve ever had.  This is the same man to whom I considered proposing.  After the breakup we attempted multiple times to remain amicable, but subconsciously I blamed him for everything.  In my mind, he didn’t work hard enough, he didn’t pay me enough attention, he didn’t keep a steady job, he used up the money I worked hard to earn, he no longer surprised me, and ultimately these seemingly small failings amounted to a mountain I just wasn’t willing to climb anymore.  We even lived together after the breakup, until I basically kicked him out of the apartment.

     

    At the time I was working for a company which made me feel like I was Satan incarnate.  It was finance, loans to be specific.  High-risk, high-reward, predatory lending.  And I was pretty okay at it, I just didn’t have the bottomless darkness in my chest where my heart should be to continue doing it.  Still, we all have to make money one way or another, eh?  Here I was, pretending to be a professional adult, pulling down ridiculous sums of money, but I was incredibly unhappy.  To make myself forget the stress and the guilt, I started drinking more.  And more.  And more.  A fifth and a half of good whiskey a night will let you sleep, no matter how much your conscience may protest.  Time passed slowly, and I drank myself into a state of unconcern.  My boss threatens to fire me for things that aren’t my fault?  Drink about it.  I’m having trouble finding friends in a new city?  Drink about it.  Feel like I’m wasting my life and potential at a job that makes me feel like a horrible person?  Drink about it.  Didn’t really matter what it was - drink about it.

     

    I eventually quit in the manner I usually do when I’m sick of a job.  One day I’d had enough.  Sure I’d just bought a new car, signed a new lease, moved to a new town, started a whole new life, but damned if I could take it one more day.  My boss asked me specifically to lie about a figure that was owed on a lawsuit we were filing and I believe my words were “I’m not going to jail for you cock waffles, fuck you, I’m out.”  Or something to that effect, but it was quite clear I wasn’t stepping out for lunch and I wouldn’t be showing up the next day.

     

    That, however, did not make things better in and of itself.  Now I was broke.  I was living far beyond my means.  I had no doubt I could find a job immediately, but at the same income?  Doubtful.  There’s just not an opportunity like that around where I was living.  But hey, a week later I had an interview and had a job back in cushy old customer service land, where they pay you decent money to talk to stupid people.  Habits die hard, though, and now the concern was money.  And what do you do when you’re worried about money?  Drink about it.

     

    About a year and a half ago, I noticed I wasn’t always feeling great.  I was tired more easily, had more bouts of abdominal pain, and vomited for the first time in many, many years.  I thought nothing of it at first, but it became annoying enough to go to a doctor.  Thus began a terrifying series of misdiagnoses which I still can’t believe happened and would probably sue over if I still had the energy to pursue such things.

     

    I got shaky and weak, the vomiting wouldn’t stop, and nothing helped.  I was diagnosed with everything from diverticulitis to a UTI, none of which were accurate.  That didn’t stop them throwing drugs at it, though.  I went through CT scan after CT scan, with IV Contrast each time, and each time they missed it.  I took rounds of antibiotics, downed pain pills and anti-emetics, but nope.  I thought to myself that maybe it was just in my head, that stress was causing this.

     

    Then I turned yellow.  I mean full on hi-liter neon fucking you-could-see-me-glowing-from-space canary.  I looked in the mirror one morning and saw it and thought “Well, fuck me, pretty sure my liver is pissed off at me.”  I went to the hospital and got the reaction I expected, which was basically “Um, do you know that you’re really yellow?”

     

    They’d previously run a liver panel and everything was fine.  Only now it wasn’t.  Enzymes had skyrocketed, and it wasn’t just my liver.  My kidneys freaked out, too.  The repeated IV Contrast, rounds of antibiotics, and the liver failure kicked their ass and I was losing kidney function.  There was a lot of medical jargon, but it all amounted to this: You’re dying, there’s nothing we can do, you may want to call your family and friends to say goodbye, and we’re here if you want to discuss palliative sedation and hospice care.

     

    I made a decision at that point.  I wouldn’t call my family or friends.  They didn’t need to be involved because of my poor decision making process.  I had health and life insurance, and that would be enough to cover my care and cover any final expenses, which I assumed I would be able to get in line before I was no longer able to function.  I didn’t realize how quickly I would deteriorate.  I went home and by this time it was difficult to walk.  I had swelling in my extremities that was quite painful, severe abdominal pain, and I was mildly depressed.  I actually wasn’t terribly sad.  I mean I’ve lived a pretty full life for my age.  I’ve kissed (and done more than that) plenty of pretty boys, made mad money, lived large, had wonderful friends, and I’d long ago gotten over most of the major challenges in my life.  I felt sort of ready, like this wasn’t the end really, just another thing that just happens that you roll with and see what happens.

     

    Pretty soon the pain got too bad for just Oxycontin to handle.  I was back in the hospital on massive amounts of Dilaudid and Ativan.  Palliative sedation.  It quickly went from relief, to being pretty high, to being mostly unconscious because with consciousness came serious pain.  When I say pain, I don’t mean I-stubbed-my-toe-oh-gawd pain.  Take the worst pain in your life, the worst thing you’ve ever felt, multiply that by a thousand, and that’s pain.  No one tells you that dying hurts.  I think they don’t want to scare you, but that’s a truth for which everyone should be prepared.  Dying is not comfortable.

     

    After a day or two, things went black.  I thought I was dead.  I don’t know how I thought I was dead, but I did.  You’d think the act of thinking proves you to be alive, but things get really weird in your head when there’s that much ammonia in your body, when your brain is swelling that badly.  Gradually, this notion faded and I started to dream.

     

    I dreamed I was injured and in pain, hardly able to move.  I was outside and there was no one around, just empty streets.  Somehow I knew I had no home to go to, no one to help me, and I knew I had to either get myself safe and better, or I simply wouldn’t get better.  I found a house, and it was so hard to get into the house.  It wasn’t locked or anything, but getting up the steps, into the door, and looking around inside was enough to drive the breath from me and leave me crawling.  There was a mattress on the floor of one of the rooms and it was all I could do to get onto it before I passed out again.  I slipped in and out of consciousness in the dream (likely mirroring what was actually happening to me at the time).

     

    Eventually I knew if I didn’t eat or drink I would die, and getting this far would count for nothing.  I couldn’t move, though.  I was spent.  I could no longer lift my arms, my legs didn’t respond, really the only things I could still move were my eyes.  A girl eventually showed up.  She wasn’t remarkable in any way, really, except the look of concern on her face as she looked at me.  I later found it strange that at this point I didn’t think to ask for help, or suspect she would try to help me at all.  I assumed that nature would take its course and I’d eventually die, which would stop the pain, so I welcomed that idea.  She had other plans, though.

     

    It doesn’t really matter, but she explained to me that I was sick and that I was safe there, that no one would hurt me.  She brought me food and water when she could get me to eat or drink it.  She didn’t exactly stay by my side, but somehow it seemed like she had my best interests in mind.  Obviously, this is a fever dream inspired by an actual nurse, most likely, but it was quite a profound realization in my addled state that I wanted to die, that I was tired, that I’d finally realized I’d gone too far and wouldn’t get better and that this was simply the end.

     

    The blackness takes over again for a while from there.  I’d gone to a hospital locally, expecting to die there.  No one other than my roommate even had a clue how bad I was, and she didn’t know how to contact my family or anything like that, so I thought I’d just slip away quietly and everyone would move on with life.  I really should’ve known better, or at least planned better.  Another thing nobody tells you about dying is that people who love you will not let you die if they have any possible fucking way to keep you from doing it.

     

    I woke up in mid-October.  I was so sick.  As I regained consciousness, I became aware that they were giving me different medicines, medicines I hadn’t heard of and I was too out of it to even ask what it was, what it was for, or even really talk or notice who was there.  I noticed that I’d lost a lot of weight.  My abdomen was distended but my arms and legs were much thinner, and I felt constantly cold.

     

    At first they didn’t ask me questions, they didn’t do anything but administer meds and watch me closely with a sad look to them as if to say what a shame, such a waste.  They made me drink lactulose, which is torture in itself.  Ammonia builds up during liver failure, and lactulose helps get rid of it.  I’m not going to explain how it works, because I don’t even like to think about it.  Google it if you want the nightmares.  I was too far gone to protest anything they did.  At one point they had to set up a line directly into an artery for some reason, which I’m told is usually quite painful.  I didn’t move, I couldn’t feel it, I couldn’t really feel anything past the general sensation of just PAIN EVERYWHERE.

     

    Eventually, I regained some lucidity.  They asked me where I was and I replied that I was obviously in a hospital.  They asked which one, and I realized I had no idea.  Then I realized my mom was there, and it looked like she’d been crying.  I remember wondering how she got there, but I didn’t think to ask.  Apparently, I was quite close to death while I was at the first hospital.  Somehow my roommate got in touch with my mom, and she came to the rescue.  After she found out what happened, she had me transferred to Oschner in New Orleans, which is a major transplant facility.  When I arrived, doctors made no promises, but encouraged her to call the family together and to say what they needed to say while they still could.

     

    When in liver failure, doctors assign a MELD (model for end-stage liver disease) score to their patients.  It’s used to come up with your prognosis based on lab values.  It ranges six to forty and the higher it is, the higher your chance of dying within three months.  My score was thirty-five.  Basically already dead.

     

    I knew people were sad, but it was still hard to hold on to reality.  I could tell I was hallucinating, that I was seeing things that weren’t actually there.  It’s hard to explain, but I’ve always been able to tell if something is a hallucination versus reality, so this didn’t scare me much and I was able to make some general sense of the situation.  A doctor came in and explained what happened.  They’d been working on clearing the toxins out of my body enough to stabilize me and get me well enough for surgery.  Surgery?  Yeah, major surgery.  I asked what they meant, and they said that I needed an immediate liver transplant to live.

     

    As best they could, they got consent from me.  Consent for the surgery and for substance abuse counseling afterward, as well as assurance that I would remain compliant with medications and follow-up visits and labs and all that other great stuff.  I thought okay, well, maybe I get another shot.  Maybe it isn’t really time.  I’ll spend a couple weeks getting better and go back to normal life.

     

    On a side note, no one tells you that if you don’t have money and you need a transplant, you’re simply going to die.  I was told very bluntly that if my insurance refused to cover it for any reason, they would not proceed with the transplant.  Luckily, I have amazing insurance and I work for an incredible company which paid for my insurance the entire year I was out of work.

     

    At one point, the nurses and doctors came in excited.  There was a liver, they said.  It was for me, they’d found one that matched and it was time.  Not long after, they came back, this time not excited.  The liver was no good, they said.  They’d thought it was, but when the surgeon examined it, the vessels were hardened, they couldn’t be sewn to mine.  It was a bust.

     

    A few hours later, though, a miracle (at least according to my mom, I think it was just coincidence) happened.  They had another liver, another one that matched me, another one without hardened vessels, one that was perfect for transplant.  And everything went dark again.

     

    The next time I woke up, there were over a hundred staples in my stomach.  The scar reaches from just under my rib cage on the left front side to halfway around my abdomen on the right side in a chevron shape.  It’s truly massive, I was cut in half.  I wasn’t prepared to see that, and I started to immediately regret my decision to go forward with the transplant.  Then the pain hit me like a truck.  The next few days are a constant cycle of drugs, sleep, pain, drugs, sleep, pain, drugs, sleep, pain.  When I cleared up a little after they stopped IV pain meds, they fed me more Oxycontin like it was Skittles.  My mind was slowly clearing, and there was talk of how to care for the wound, what recovery would be like, what meds I needed to take, and all kinds of other information.  I had the sinking feeling that it wouldn’t be so easy.  My legs had atrophied and I couldn’t stand, walk, sit upright, or really get comfortable in any way.

     

    To this day I cannot sleep on my side or stomach.  It just hurts too much.  I received my transplant October 19th, 2017.

     

    The recovery was the most grueling, horrible, unimaginable thing to ever happen in my life.  At first the pain was overwhelming, but it was brought under control with powerful opiates.  I struggled to move.  When I stood, the tendons in the back of my knees had tightened and it was impossible to keep my balance at first.  I went most places in a wheelchair.  I thought this would pass quickly, but it didn’t.  I was in that chair for what seems like most of a year.

     

    The wound began to heal, but things were messy.  Another side effect of liver failure, and of surgery, is the draining.  Something to do with albumin and cells not keeping liquid inside them like they should and it needs to find some way out.  Everywhere on me leaked.  I had places in my skin that spontaneously developed what, for lack of a better explanation, seemed like a sourceless but continuous leak.  It was like liquid (not sweat, but steadily dripping) was coming out of my pores.  It came out of the wound, it came out of other places where I had stitches for other reasons, it wouldn’t stop.

     

    Then the complications began.  Most people who have a transplant take Prograf, or tacrolimus, which is an anti-rejection drug.  They started me on it a while after the surgery as maintenance for the transplant, as per protocol.  Little did they know, it caused severe neurological side effects in me.  One day I was sitting with my mom and a nurse, and I was pretty lucid.  Still on a lot of drugs, but now I was telling people my correct name at least, and knew how old I was and what year it was again.  Somehow, I knew I was going to have a seizure.  I could feel it, and if you’ve never had one then I just can’t explain how I knew.  I tried to warn them.  “I think I’m having a ssss-sss-ss-s-sssssss-ss-s…” and then everything goes black.  As soon as the S sound escaped my lips I got stuck, kept stuttering the same consonant over and over, and then seized.  What seemed like a brief nap later I came to again and they were staring at me wide-eyed.  I asked what happened and they told me I had a seizure.  Then I promptly had another one.

     

    They put me on Kepra to stop the seizures and switched me to cyclosporine for anti-rejection.  This caused me to essentially speak gibberish, nonsensical answers to questions, not knowing where I was or how to act appropriately to the situation.  At one point I got so frustrated I started crying.  I kept trying to tell them I had to go to the bathroom, all I needed was just some help getting up so I could hobble to the toilet to go pee.  I kept trying and trying to tell them, I could hear what I wanted to say in my head, but it kept coming out wrong.  I couldn’t make the correct words strung together to express what I needed.  I cried until more nurses came and they figured out by process of elimination what I needed, and helped me to the bathroom.  I was taken off the cyclosporine.

     

    Then it was a lot of steroids to keep me from rejecting the liver.  During this time, the wound began to heal wrong.  It healed from the outside in, instead of inside out.  So they took out all of the staples.  All. One. Hundred. Seventeen. Staples.  They packed the wound with foam padding, applied a wound vac, and I spent months healing slowly as scar tissue filled in the hole.  As if this weren’t bad enough, my kidneys weren’t functioning, I got massive infections, and I vomited constantly every time I ate or drank.  This didn’t phase the doctors much, though.

     

    Dialysis for the better part of a year, with a perma-cath installed in my chest.  Countless rounds of antibiotics to control infections.  Anti-emetics didn’t work, tube feeding didn’t work (I still vomited up what they put down the tube).  They installed a central line and fed me intravenously for several weeks.  There were loads of painful tests, including the time they inserted a needle into my hip to sample bone marrow and the time they thought my knee was septic so they had to ram what looked like a drinking straw sized needle under my kneecap.  There was the time they gave me a shot of something to make my blood counts normalize and it caused back spasms so bad that four doses of Fentanyl later I was still crying and they were administering yet another dose and kept Narcan on hand in my room just in case.  Gradually, over the course of many months, I started slowly improving.  It’s to be expected, they said.  You almost died.  It was really a miracle that you even lived long enough to get the transplant.  You should, by all rights, be dead right now.

     

    Time fades the memory, because you don’t want to remember it.  Over the course of nine or so months, I was in the hospital more than I was out of it.  My longest stretch in the hospital at once was just over three months.  When I was finally getting close to getting out, there was a new, unexpected complication.  I’d become physically dependent on the opiates they gave me for pain.

     

    Don’t get me wrong, the pain was still intense enough to require opiates.  But sometimes in life, you just have to get used to your new normal.  Pain is part of life, now.  Opiate withdrawal, though, is nothing to play with.  That’s another thing no one really tells you or understands until they go through it.  Withdrawal is itself incredibly painful.  It’s like being lit on fire, and nothing you can do will make it stop except more opiates.  What’s more, it’s not a quick process.  Withdrawal can take weeks, if not months.  That entire time you are in pain so bad that you can’t open your eyes, you can’t walk, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep.

     

    A Godsend came in the form of a particularly cunty psychiatrist.  She’s a real bitch, I don’t care for her, but she knew what she was doing.  She immediately prescribed Suboxone, which worked like a charm.  After weeks of withdrawal pain, it was gone.  Just like that, a few minutes after I dissolved a little strip under my tongue, all the insidious, mind-crushing, all-encompassing pain melted away.  I still hurt, but it wasn’t the kind of pain you can’t ignore.  This I can deal with.  Sure it hurts, but I can function with this pain.  Before, I was a mess, I couldn’t even get up to walk.

     

    At this point, I was on somewhere around fifteen medications a day.  Anti-rejection, anti-emetic, diuretic, anti-depressant, thyroid pills, phosphate binders, pills to make my digestive system work, pills to make my kidneys try to wake back up, pills for everything imaginable.  I’d actually feel full, like I’d eaten a meal, after I took my morning pills.  And noon pills.  And evening pills.

     

    I went through rehab as mandated (an agreement is an agreement, and I said I’d do it if they did the transplant).  I eventually learned to walk again first with a walker, then a cane, and now I walk unassisted albeit slowly.  I’m down to taking one medication a day now.  Sirolimus, an anti-rejection med which causes what feels like a cold that never goes away, constant low grade fever, a feeling of always being cold, and impairs your body’s ability to heal normally.  I also consistently have extremely low blood counts (stemming from the kidney damage), low platelets, and some other things that are pretty annoying but not (well at least not always) life threatening.  I get tired easily, am in some degree of pain at any given time, and I’m not too happy about this giant scar I have now.

     

    I have over a year sober now, and I’ve had a lot of time to think deep thoughts and consider the past and future.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel whole again.  I don’t know if the pain will ever stop.  If I had it to do over again, I’m not sure I’d agree to the transplant in the first place.  I’d accepted dying, and that was easy.  Accepting living as I have to live now is the hard part.  My liver function is great, my kidneys are getting much better and I’m not on dialysis anymore, and sometimes I’m even hungry again.  But what about next time?  The average life expectancy for a male after liver transplant is eighteen years.  That means I’ll likely die by the time I’m forty-six.  And I don’t want to linger.  I’m more tired than I care to admit, more sad than I’d like to be, more constrained by the nature of my condition than I can consent to.

     

    I just went to Orlando by myself to see a friend (that same ex that I was talking about earlier, we have since been able to be friends and enjoy each other’s company again).  The flight there made me sleep for a day, and getting back was just as bad.  I work from home at a desk job, but I struggle to find the energy to talk on the phone.  I miss the feeling that at any moment, something amazing could happen to me.  That there could be a new adventure, a new boy, a new job, a new friend, a new hobby, new anything, just around the corner.  Now it feels like I’m a slave to insurance and medication (my pills cost $1100 a month without insurance), and I don’t know how to move forward with self-confidence when I imagine taking my shirt off to a muffled gasp and “Oh my God, what happened to you?!”

     

    I try to stay positive.  I think to myself, as much as I’m an atheist and non-believer, that maybe something good can come out of this.  And logically, I know that to be true.  If nothing else, I serve as a wonderful cautionary tale at AA meetings.  I still look pretty damn young, if I do say so myself.  And when you see what looks like a twenty-three-year-old grimace slightly in pain as he lowers himself to a seat after taking the stairs carefully one at a time into an AA meeting, then announce “My name is Jamie, I’m an alcoholic, and I had a liver transplant a year ago”, then you hear his horror story, the details of pain, uncertainty, almost dying multiple times… well, you’d have to be a fucking idiot to keep trying to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle.

     

    I guess that’s a good thing, at least.  I never listened to the horror stories because they just weren’t scary.  Oh, you hit your spouse?  That’s not alcohol, you’re an ass, I’d never do that.  You drink and drive?  I never do that, ever, I call a cab, even blacked out.  You lost your job?  I never drink on the job.  So you see, the stories weren’t quite enough for me.  I had to chase the rabbit all the way down before I realized he wasn’t there and I was digging the hole myself.

     

    At this point, I’m working to put my mind at ease, to find purpose in living a life with limitations.  I’m trying to not be afraid that tomorrow I’ll get sick again, that I’ll be alone because I’m too ashamed of what happened to me.  I know I can find an external purpose easily enough.  I don’t mind lending support to people trying to better themselves and get away from alcohol or drugs.  If anything, my resolve is now quite concrete.  I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol and I don’t think I will for the foreseeable future.  Or, as they say, all I know is today I'm not drinking.  But finding something that drives me to want to smile and be awake and adventurous in the world?  That’s proving a bit difficult.

     

    So far I’m still recovering on several levels.  Physically, pain and exhaustion are a daily battle.  Financially, I’m fairly well off all things considered.  Emotionally I’m pretty drained, but that’s getting better.  I’ve started taking pleasure in small things again.  I didn’t think I’d ever be sitting stone cold sober in my kitchen carving pumpkins with my roommate and enjoy it.  I didn’t think I’d ever enjoy anything stone cold sober again.

     

    I wouldn’t say I’m depressed.  I’m sad sometimes, but I know that’s normal.  I’ve made some unpopular decisions, like making sure medical intervention to keep me alive in a similar situation will never happen again and deciding that I truly don’t want a romantic relationship again any time soon.  At the same time, I wonder about a lot of things.  Will my life be the same a year from now?  Better or worse?  Will finally dying hurt as bad as I think it will?  What kind of gigantic beast of a tattoo would I have to get to cover up the scar I have?  

     

    I guess I’ll end by saying this.  If you or anyone you know has a problem with drugs or alcohol that is affecting their health, get help.  Don't expect someone to step in and help, because no one will.  YOU need to get help, regardless of how that makes you feel.  Fuck the job, fuck the car, fuck the house, fuck the spouse, fuck appearances, fuck everything except your life and health.  You won’t know how much it was really worth to you until you’ve irrevocably lost it.

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    Recent Entries

    CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING BLOG ENTRY TALKS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

    Hey everyone :hug: ,

    How’s everyone? I hope everyone’s doing good. I haven’t been doing that great. I might say, I have been doing quite awful suffering from both depression and anxiety for the past two months or so. I have been kind of absent from the site due to being extremely busy with the university for the past couple of months (dissertation is not the most favourite thing for me to do).

    Anyways, this feeling of awfulness started a about three months back, the day after I turned 24. To support myself through the uni I (used to) work at a fast food restaurant what also involved delivering the food to the costumer’s place. On one of these deliveries, I called the costumer when at his place, he buzzed me inside and I went up to his apartment. The door was open and I could hear some noises so, I knocked and waited for him. He appeared from the corner carrying some boxes and asked me to leave the food on the kitchen counter. Now, this wasn’t the first time a costumer asked me to carry the food inside. So, I didn’t think much of it and went inside, put the food on counter and told him the price of the order (It was not paid already). While he went to get the money, I realised that the sounds were coming from a porn movie. Suddenly, I felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He brought the money and it was all coins.

    So, I had to stand there and count all of them before leaving. As, I was counting he started saying things like “I’m so horny” or “Are you horny” etc. I kept trying to ignore him and tried to finish counting as soon as possible while all of a sudden, he touched me (there). I don’t know why, but I was immediately paralysed. Probably due to fear or surprise or a mixture of both, I’m not completely sure to be honest. He then proceeded to do whatever he felt like. I almost felt like I had no control over whatever was happening. I wanted to yell at him to stop and get away from me, kick at him and run away but neither any sound came out of my mouth nor my hands moved to stop him. I kind of blacked out but could still see and feel everything and it was horrifying. After he was done he just got up and went to clean himself up. Meanwhile, I regained my senses enough to just get up and bolted away from there (I didn’t even bother taking the money). As soon as I got on to the road I just puked all of my breakfast on the side (in the bushes), returned to the restaurant, told them I wasn’t feeling well, went home and scrubbed myself in the shower.

    I was utterly disgusted with the entire experience and felt like extremely violated and also that I wasn’t clean no matter how many showers I have taken. The worst part of this entire experience was that my body still reacted to his actions and it felt like my own body failed me in this entire process. I just ended curling up at my home for most of the next two days almost never leaving the bed. One half of my mind kept telling me that I had been sexually assaulted while the other kept saying that I really haven’t because I never objected to it. All of this led to my depression becoming worse and for the first time, I felt ashamed to face the world. Even through my childhood and teenage growing up as an Lgbt+ kid, I never felt the feeling of shame and ended up losing any inspiration to do any sort of work. Not to mention the fear of contracting an STD. This led to my assignments being submitted late or unfinished or both at times and affected my grades.

    The worst part doesn’t even start here. Remember, I called him before to get to his address? Well, he also now had my phone number and hence kept calling me at random times with often lewd suggestions and offers to come to his place because his wife was away. He also turned up a my workplace more than a couple of times. I ended up blocking his number and he then started blocking his caller ID or even calling me from different phone numbers. And thanks to all of these actions, I became extremely anxious and now have to keep an inhaler with me in case of an asthma attack (the asthma existed in my family before, I didn’t get asthma because of him but it’s onslaught started a lot earlier than it should have thanks to the conditions). The queasiness in the stomach never stops. Finally, 5 days ago, when he called me, I warned him against calling me and threatened to disclose all of this matter to his wife and also told him that I secretly recorded his previous calls. It seemed to have scared him and he hasn’t contacted me ever since.

    I finally decided to see a psychologist about all of these issues and my first appointment will be on the next week. I am still quite unsure on how to approach the subject and my sexuality in general and the issues I have developed growing up in a homophobic environment and country. I really needed to tell this to someone because I really need to concentrate on my assignments and exams and the psychologist appointment is still a week away and I wasn’t sure I would feel the best after I speak about topics such as my sexuality and mental health issues.

    I do have several questions, am I wrong in being angry and sad that I have been violated against my consent? Can it even be considered a sexual assault if I necessarily didn’t even object? It wasn’t like he hit me and forced himself on me. I really wasn’t able to act at all. Am I wrong in getting sad that my first sexual experience with someone else was this? Is this even considered sex? Am I thinking too much about this?

    Anyways, thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate being able to share this horrible experience with someone, I really needed that. Hope everyone has a great day/night :hug: .

    Victor

    P.S. I apologise for any grammatical errors as I really did not proof read because I just wanted to type it and post it immediately. And I generally use British/ Australian spellings, so please excuse all the additional 'u's and the 's' in the spellings :P :lol:

    EDIT: I'm not completely sure if this sort of topic can be posted in a blog. If it cannot be, just let me know and I would be happy to remove it. Thank you :)

  19. quokka
    Latest Entry

    Chapter 6 has been corrected...

  20. jamessavik
    Latest Entry

    NA15years.jpg

     

    15 years with no drugs or drinking.

     

    Holy shit.

     

    I remember when missing out for a day or a few days was... really uncomfortable.

     

    When I first started writing, I got some flak about including a lot of drugs. Well, they did say write what you know. When I first really started writing, that's what I knew.

     

    It took a while but I move on. I still dream about the... never mind. 

     

    What I find is sad is that a lot of gay people have trouble in recovery. There are a few predators out there talking recovery that just want to hook up. 

     

    Well... who doesn't? Growing up means figuring out what's appropriate. 

     

    The winners learn and the losers lose. 

     

    It's Darwinian in a way- like tempering steel. If the blade if flawed, when heated, it will break. If the steel is good, it just gets harder.

     

    Be the blade.

     

     

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