Jump to content

Douw

Author
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    224

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by Douw

  1. Douw

    Just... Not there

    By Douw,

    Well it's been a wile sins i have posted a blog entry...
     
    I'm tired and it's not because it has been a tiring day, no mostly my mind is tired of thinking tired of dreaming tired of dreaming of hoping.
     
    Everything and nothing has changed... i'm living with my mother a now, ya i know but it's better here really it is she has changed a lot i don't know how she came to be enlightened but she has and i don't want to ask...
     
    How did i come to be here... Well one day i was chatting with a friend on a program called Mixit well it is a phone based program he sent me a pic, i hit open before it could open the phone rang i answered my one of my best friends on the line after talking a little she wanted to talk to my little sister so i gave here the phone well after the call ended the picture had opened... a picture of a beautiful naked man... all hell was loos. i ended up calling my mom and having here come get me as pathetic as it sounds no i don't have a car no i don't have a place of my own... well in a nut shell that is what happened
     
    So that is how i find my self in the middle of nothing and a hard place friends non existent except my best friends but even them i don't see but maybe once a month if i am lucky, now there is a nice guy how wants to meet me. I'm nervous as hell. i want to meet him but what if he dose not like me as much as he clams...
     
    And having your mother and here boyfriend drop your off for a date.... not cool...
  2. Douw

    All alone

    By Douw,

    I don't really know what to do so ill just babble here maybe ill feel better... It hurts so much... A lot has changed mustily i'm out now but that mite not be a good thing just like i feared my dad is a bigot... not to mention the rest of my family and that hurts like a b... especially when you have to look at them every day guess that is whey i hide everyday up in my little perch away from there nasty words and dirty looks...
     
    Oh i guess i forgot about the little talks... Yes those kind of talks... He reckons that he has right to now everything that happens in my life and i have no say what so ever also he reckons that any man that is ever interested in me he will beat up i may also not leave this house...
     
    I fight i do i try but i feel so defeated the few friends i have i never see they life just to far... When i see a couple happy in each others arms i cant help it my hart just brakes... Every day i look for something to fill my mind so i cant think of this so called life and every night i pray for a live a way to escape but come dawn all that is left is one more day in this hell they call paradise...
     
    I hate this and i don't know how long i can stand it God help me...
  3. Douw

    How things stand...

    By Douw,

    How things stand right now i see a lot of problems I need to fix or work on...
     
    First is my family how seem to think that i was born to serve them hand and foot... Needs to change now...
    Job is weary important to me for obvious reasons... To get out of wear i am i need to work...
    Drivers license also important to fix my problem of being stuck at the house... So to fix that or to free my self that need to re read the book and go stand in the q for 6h a gene and hope this time the wont fail me on one question... lol
    And work on my self-consciousness a lot hmmm that mite be the biggest challenge of the lot but we will see...
     
    Thank You every one how is my friend and gives a dam what is going on in my life it means a lot...
  4. Douw

    Ramblings

    By Douw,

    Shy... Right that is why i'm so flirty with my friends... guess that is also the reason i freez up when good looking guy talks to me or the reason i make a ass of my self talking to new people right... Nope not shy just stuped and sceard to death of rejection... yes i know stuped don't remind me grumble grumble
     
    But still it's there rearing a ugly head every time i talk to some nice guy or try at least choking on my own words like a little boy i don't know hoe it got there it's not always been there don't ask my way it's just there i hate that i choke on my own words before they leave my mouth but no matter what i do it just keeps on happening sigh
     
    Maybe it's whats going on at home my dad has been a ass uterly crule with his jokes just as my sister has been and still is but at least a long the way i made some frends witch help a lot yet at times it feels like i'm driving every one a way and i hate it i hate feeling like a ass i hate feeling like it's my fult that ipeople don't talk to me i hate feeling useliss i guess it's just me having a self worth complex moment idk...
     
    I don't even know if this will see the light of day i'm still debaiting wether or not to post it...
     
    I guess the only thing that is wrong is i'm lonly and i feel a little abandonde by people how should be here with me or me there with them and man i feel pethetic saying it but damming if i don't want a phone call every now and then or a hug.... ya i know it's bad book me a room at the not house sigh
     
    I guess even that is my fult it's not like i have not had the opertunaties to make more friend if i toulk my head out of my ass sooner i mite be better off... it's strange what a little curige can do no...
     
    Guess it dose not help me shying a way from contact all the time agen fearing to get outed or even p some one off ya i know crazy as can be sigh
     
    But i think mostly things are this bad becouse of my fears...
     
    And i know it's time to change if i want to be happy i just need a push in the right direction or more like a lot of pushes sigh any how if any one reads this i know i sound crazy and stuped... so be nice with the coments pleas and ya i guess that means i am posting this...
  5. Douw

    Last 4 weeks...

    By Douw,

    The last four weeks of my life have been a living hell...
     
    Here go's. My mom walked out on us and my family is falling apart, my sister found out that i am gay, i came out to my one of my best friend, me mom stole all of my money yes all of it lol dad is helping me, he dose not know i'm gay,... But there is one light in the dark i gained a Best friend
     
    And that is a short version sigh
     
    Ok from the beginning...
     
    Mom and three of my friends now ex-friends left the house wile i was away all i got is a text from mom saying good bye and yes i think my mom is involved with one of them sigh...
     
    Then a week later the three ex-friends pouch animals from dads ranch dad opens a case at the police mom threatening to turn her self in and confess to it if my dad dose not drop the case my dad still loves my mom so he drops the case all the wile she is not talking to me not one word not even a text
     
    My sister and brother in-law is leaving going to my mother my little sister is crying her eyes out she is only 11 and my mother just left here here just like that then i go to the bank to find my mom had sining right to my bank accounts and she drained them all so dad is helping me with a little money until i can get work
     
    Then i found out my sister knows i'm gay she confronted me about it and i did not lie about it she was in tears oh and i'm going to hell btw according to her sigh my dad dose not know i'm gay he is very anti gay so i'm not going to tell him any time soon not to mention mom is trying her best to bankrupt the family company and she miss used a lot of the assets of the company
     
    My best confronted me about being gay and to my astonishment he is Ok with it operantly he has gay people in his family o btw he hates other gay people but likes me... as a friend strange i know
     
    Oh and me going to Uni is out of the question... Ask me about this i will tell you if i like you...
     
    Oh and a good friend of mine is going to help me with a job and a place to stay for a wile and the same friend i have come to consider to be a brother and yes he is on GA A grate big thank you to him for being there and helping me and listening to my ranting lol
×
×
  • Create New...