JOeKEool

Well hello friends, I have been away too long again. I quickly browsed thru' the posts. I wish the best for all of you. I saw a few new "faces". Welcome to the thread. I'm sure you will find it beneficial if you need help and always welcoming if you are offering help. Things have changed dramatically in the last month. I stopped in to see Cathy early one morning. She had just had to fire two people and was leaving on her vacation in a few days. I jumped in and went to work as a cashier at the store/gas station she manages. I got 2 days training by people who had only been there a few weeks themselves. We ran the place quite efficiently for two weeks while she was gone. I still work 2 to 4 hours at night plus working full-time at the store now. I don't always get enough sleep.I didn't before either. I had to give up watching the grandkids. It seems like I never see them now. We all go swimming and other fun things when we can. I can relax about my finances now. It was getting hard to stretch the part-time pay out enough to get by. And-after a lot of yes, no, maybe's-my ex-wife decided to move in here. The original plan was for her to help me financially. Now I am able to help her a bit. So far things are working quite smoothly. She's been here a few weeks now. Cathy and I have still NOT been able to arrange that second "date" for dinner and a movie. I tho't it might be awkward to be friends and me work for her,but so far it is working out well. I'm very happy with the job and we still get along great. Just no time to get together for anything but work. I'm still not ready to "get involved" so the slow pace of it is fine with me. That's all I have time for. Time for a nap and then maybe take the kids out somewhere after school.(my day off) I will try to keep in touch more often. Stay strong, Joe

Thank you for all the caring thoughts and words. I'm feeling all alone tonight. Don't have a lot to say. Just need some caring friends. I guess need to kill some time. I have my brother on the phone. We talk every night but we don't really 'talk'. Small talk is usually the limit. It's nice to be close enough to just enjoy our silence. Just to know he's there on the line as we both peruse the web. Henry_Henry...welcome to the thread. In some respects I think your ideas are sound. We have a small amount of control over our situation. As I said before, I am able to put my depression aside and conduct myself appropriately in a social environment. I "choose" to not allow the emotions to have CONTROL. All the same symptoms are still present. I am only able to hide them. At least for a short time. Choosing not to be depressed, though is a far cry from hiding it. I have times where my emotions will flare up out of nowhere. In the middle of a sentence my chest and throat will sieze up with an unexplained sense of dread and feeling of grief. My eyes will fill with tears. My voice will noticibly be "choked up". It usually results in some odd looks. I have to take a deep breath, and try to carry on. The underlying conditions are always there and waiting . We all learn ways to try to live with them. Even "fixing" the underlying cause of depression can be a fleeting challenge. We all have the injuries and pain of our own lives, but how do you stop "feeling" the empathy and the sorrow for all the pain you see others enduring. You can only be there for the few close to you. Maybe it boils down to the old adage... Help me accept that which I cannot change...an effort I don't often succeed at. One theory of depression that I mentioned before has to do with our DNA and how each gene has multiple influences from our hormones and other chemical activity. Our overall mood or attitude has an impact on these chemical activities and thus an influence on our genetic make-up. In time, the theory is, that our DNA and the individual cells in our body will begin to be 'programmed' to a state of depression. It then becomes a physical malady as well as a mental one. Full recovery would require time for 'programmed' cells to die and be replaced while the mind is in a prolonged 'normal' state. I forget exactly how often our bodies are completely 'regenerated' with new cells. It occurs surprisingly fast, if I'm not mistaken. In this respect, we can resort to the adage...the power of positive thinking...but again, one hard to adhere to. Enough already about depression!!!. I had a good morning. I went for a swim first thing. Before I could get home and get comfortable and 'lazy' . Came home and got some good sound sleep. I think my new Sat. morning routine will include a morning swim. NOT in the river now though. Too late in the year for that .I have to endure the evils of chlorine. But then the river has no hot-tub. Or a warm shower. The score is even I guess. Mark_ I am so glad for you and Stuby. There has been a big change in you because of your love for each other. You're doing it right and you're making progress. Keep your focus on him. It is 3AM here. I just fixed bacon and eggs and fried potato. Your all welcome to join me. Beans and bacon are on for tomorrow. Hugs -Joe

Bee_ Im so sorry. I have deeper feelings for some animals than I do for most people and I think you do too. All you can do is get thru today. Each day will hopefully get a little easier. Big Hugs-Bee. whether you want them or not Ok. We ALL feel your pain. And don't fight the tears. They are a healing process too. I'M crying now so lets cry together. Mark_ it feels good to be back. I went thru a real hell for a while. I still managed to get to work. I don't deal with a lot of people so I could let the emotions loose thru the nights too. one of the reallizations I came to was I think I have been obsessing over a lot of things that I cant "fix" and just making things worse. I was so ..obsessed is the best word I can find...over my sexuallity that it was driving me crazy. I see now what a small part of the total ME it really is. It is there. I have to accept what it is and who I am because of it but it doesn't need to be the driving force or the brick wall in my life. The same is true of my depression. I can LET it be the focus of my life and my "being" or I can see it as just another aspect of who I am and accept that it will be there and will need attention. It won't need ALL my attention. In the middle of this last ordeal. this foray into the darkness, I had a visit from my parents and my brother. As bad as I was "feeling" I was able to put on a smile and have an enjoyable time with them. I have done this all my life I think. Pretend all is well. somehow it seemed different this time. Partly I guess because I am open and observant now and not hiding the truth from myself . I really LOOKED at my folks and saw the same fears, the same desires, pain. I guess I finally saw them as people. Just like the rest of us. I couldn't blame them for things in the past that were just them muddling thru this life like all of us are doing. At the same time I saw how I could BE a "normal" person with all the pain and hurt that I was feeling. I could still "pretend all was well" and not feel BAD about hiding it. I wasn't hiding FROM it now. I guess thats what Im trying to say. It would have done no good to unload on them. They have NO idea what depression is like. NO idea how to help. Hiding it from them and still enjoying our visit let me see that it didn't have to be the center of my life.I hope Im making sense here. I haven't been sleeping too much. Maybethis would be a good time to try to sleep. Thanks for being YOU. All of you. I stiill need your support. Forward HO!!!

Hello Friends_I have not been doing too well but I am better now. I had been doing quite well and for no real reason I just stepped off that edge and went to the bottom of the pit again. I kept telling myself thru it all that I would be stronger when I came out. I think it was true. I was able to deal with some issues and some old hurts. I am still somewhat depressed but I feel a sense of peace at least as far as the issues I put behind me. there will always be more issues I'm afraid. I tried numerous times to get on here and try to reach out or just rant or even to just tell the whole world to go to hell. I never found the words in my scrambled brain to say anything. I still knew in my heart that I had support here. Just knowing you were here gave me something to hold onto. I feel guilty for NOT reaching out and asking for help. I know the first thing depression does when it goes that deep for me anyway, is make me feel like no one would understand. Even when I KNOW in my heart that YOU guys will. That mental part of me just wants to crawl under a rock and forget the world and believe what my MIND says. There is some good news I can share. I THINK i have a girlfriend.( BIG SMILE HERE ) I don't know where it is going. we only just started seeing eachother. she is an old friend that recently divorced and we had one casual "date" so far. We have planned two or three that fell thru because of schedules and illness and such. I'm sure part of what tipped me over the edge was stress and insecurity about a relationship. I am so fragile emotionally, I knew I would scare her off if she sees the real me. Now I am not really any stronger emotionally but I am strong enough to BE who I am and accept what comes. A relationship built on pretending I was something else would be worse than being alone again. Plus, just knowing I have someone there makes it so much easier to keep trying to be that person of strength. I am going to stop here for now. I have my brother on the phone. I will be back soon. Love to all and a big welcome to some new faces. ___Joe

Hi Friends_I have to echo everything in the last few posts. I don't have the ability to express my thoughts as well as many of you do. Yeti_your words are so true. comic_ Mark_harcallard_I think it is all about allowing someone to see our weakness. Just knowing we are not alone is so important. We are all still in the process of learning how to let people in. I think we all have those walls up , as comic said. Reaching out to comfort some one else is a good way to put holes in our walls. By sharing here and knowing I am safe from shame or guilt I can let those walls come down a bit more each time. It carries over from here in the forum to "real" life as well. I can make an ass of myself at times when dealing with people, but I have to accept that and learn from it. I now know I judge myself more harshly than others do. If I am able to accept my flaws, I won't be hurt by how I percieve others might judge me. Thank you all for being there, Joe

Hello from Nevada_Things are going well here. My head is in a good place. I've been writing most days. I get a big pile of pebbles, but sometimes one looks like a gem. My emotional state is about equal to that of a 12 year old so I can allow myself the 7th grade poetry. Bee_ it sure is good to see you feeling better. Being happy is not normal for me either. I'm beginning to get used to it. Remember a bad day or two is not the end. You found this step forward and if you take a step back you can move forward again. You are always on my mind. I just never know what to say. You deserve the best. HUGS Bee bp_you're right about needing good people around. I'm learning too,that we have to accept their flaws. I see sometimes that what I expect from people is unrealistic. I forget that they fight their own daily battles too. Mark_A belated congrats on the piglets !!! It's been ages since I talked to you. The nightmares might be a way to heal. I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I'm SO glad you have your Stuby !!! HUGS Mark And HUGS for Stuby !!! I had lunch with my little Olivia today. She's almost 3 weeks old now. So tiny. She is really peaceful and quiet. I have not heard her cry yet. It wouldn't matter now what any DNA said. I've totally fallen for her. And what baby doesn't like sitting on Grampa's big belly? Grandma( my ex) was at lunch too. Seems her home might be in chaos again. I'm glad I left that room empty. Boy, it's not going to be easy. I just have to wait and see what we do next. Keep on keeping on, Joe

Hi Joann_Yes this was from my heart. Mark IS a pure ancient soul. Thank you for the review !!! Glad you enjoyed it.

THIS TIME I've been here before My head in the clouds All joy and light And no dark shrouds I can think I can feel Though I still have the pain Learning to deal With emotions again It's OK if I cried I'm allowed to get mad I don't have to hide As I did as a lad I can't stay up here I'm flying too high Need feet on the ground Not pie in the sky I've been in this state But then lost the magic Sank back to the hate Bitter and tragic It's always t

Hi to all-Decided I needed a new avatar. I am thinking of all of you even when I'm not able to be here. My heart breaks when I read of the hard times some of you are having. Glad to see so many doing well. Welcome to the new voices here. Glad you found this Eden of support and love. Blondboi 1_Big welcome my friend !! I had the same home life. I still try to distance myself from the religion while I try desperately to find some idea of a God that could love me. It sounds like you might be finding the answers. I don't know if I am. I think we have to learn to love our self. I'm in the dreaded 2 weeks with no kids. Can't find an outlet for all that rattles around in my brain most days. Day 3-11 to go. Kids will be back to school real soon. The 2 week rotation might change. I will have 3 kids in 3 different schools now. All spread out in town. I hope my car holds up. And my gas tank. New baby is doing great ! So much personality already. I hope Dad and MOm can get along thru' all this. It's only 18 years. I went to my old swimming hole at the river a week or two ago. Hadn't been out there for several years. I used to HAVE to be there every day. Roan told me I needed to and he was SO right. A magical day. I posted a poem @ FSO about it. It won't be up for a couple days I guess. Still in review. Had a great visit from my son's best friend when they were kids. He was like a second son to us for years. He joined the Marines, then college and he's in graphic design for some little firm called Microsoft up in Seattle. So glad to see Roan home now. Daz is spoiling him well. I'm trying to keep my head up. Hope all of you can too. (HUGS) for all Joe EDIT: Blondboi 1: I just posted this one. I thought you might relate. All my love ,Joe

Hi again Thank you all for the words of support and care. I think I forgot to say what I came for. We have decided to call OFF the move-in. There was tremendous stress building through the whole process and a lot of unresolved emotional damage from our past was surfacing. Things are better at her house now. Her roomy is going back to work and she will be back in the original position of house-sitting. No more stress of him -stoned-and/or drunk- hanging around all the time. I now have an almost-empty room. The rest of the house has acquired some additional clutter from all the sorting out. I will keep after it. All sorts of opportunities now with that room. Like an empty page. What poetry can I write on it. I need now to find an alternate means of improving my financial condition, as that was part of the impetus for the move. I will analyze it to death and then make the WRONG decision,as usual. HA HA ! TODAYS' NEWS : I have just become a new grampa. OLIVIA !! was born hours ago. It has been /is /will be a lot of drama. We are not SURE it is my son's child.(I think she has my nose!! ??) The whole ordeal has been with an ex-girlfriend who has been very hard to deal with. Expecting to have lawyers involved and lots more drama. We will need your thoughts and prayers. ROAN: So good to see you posting. You are doing all that you can do. Just concentrate on today and this moment and this task. We ALL are here anytime you need us. I would swim/walk/crawl if I could somehow be THERE for you. I'm only a keyboard away. And you ARE important to a LOT of people. I thank YOU for all the times you are there for me. We are ALL here for Darren too. If he needs to vent, needs hugs, anything he needs. OK He is strong too. He will get through this. Keep the bond strong. It will only get stronger with this ordeal. SUGARCUBES for you Roan !!! My stallion will gallop again!! I wish I could say more. I'm out of time. ALL of you are a big part of my life. My thoughts and prayers go out to each and every one. I will be back soon I hope My love, Joe

Hello Friends I haven't completly disappeared. I just scanned through all the posts I missed here. Two or three pages. I truly feel for all of you that are having it rough. I wish I could respond to all of you individually. Know that I am always thinking of my friends here and sending good vibes. I want to say a big welcome to a few new faces. I hope I can get to know you better real soon. I had a nice chat and just got email from Karl (Roan). He sounds good. A little down and you can sense the frustration. He is a fighter. I hold out all hope for a full and speedy recovery. Darren is there with a kiss and a hand to hold and his gentle support. Karl worries more about Daz having to deal with this than he does about himself I think. I know Roan has MANY offering support. Keep praying and /or wishing him the best. I have been writing again !!! I posted a poem here today. I hope you will all read it. If you are having a bad day it might help. It goes with two others if you want to read the complete 'Kevin' saga. I sent something to Karl. If he likes it I will try to post it .I started writing a story. It all came to me one morning and I HAD to start writing it down. I have three chapters so far. Roan has the first two. I HOPE he still wants to read # 3. This is my first real attempt at a story. So far IMHO it is going well. I hope I can keep it going. I also wrote the lyrics for a song. I don't write music so I 'hacked' a song and put my words to it. I had a poem that I had written and re-written a dozen times and could not get it right. The other day I had this song stuck in my head (TRAIN_HEY SOUL SISTER ). I love the song. Anyway my words seemed to just fall into place. I sent the song to Roan too. I might use it in my story. One of the boys can write it and sing it to his boyfriend. I sent a new poem to Roan too. I will post it at FSO. I'll let you know when it is up. My brother liked it and that means a lot. Enough about me. Take care and see you all soon I hope.Thanks for being here. Love Joe

Hi to all of you. I am still slogging thru' this move-in. I t seems more like I'm moving out. We have not started moving her in yet. She works full time and I am busy with the kids and working nights. Makes it hard to jump in and accomplish much. I think I'm making progress. I've been in a real slump mentally. I don't think it is depression. I don't feel that way. Maybe it is just all the stress. I do find I am grinding my teeth constantly. I can't seem to keep my mind on one subject for ten seconds. Slowly getting things done. I still have the overwhelming bouts of emotion. Even that isn't feeling like grief or despair. It's intense tears and heartache but somehow it doesn't feel negative. Maybe i just know I have to let it out and I quit fighting it. Who knows. I am trying to write but not getting anywhere. I wish I could bottle up all this emotion and just dip my pen in it. I am trying to be patient and not get negative . The writing will come when it comes. I am praying for Roan. I have not heard anything for a few days but that he was awake. I am so glad to see he posted on his profile. I love you Roan. Stay strong. We all need our stallion !! And my prayers are for Darren. He is SO lucky to have you in his life. And you are SO lucky to have him. I keep saying it but you two deserve nothing but the best. You may only get it between the crises. Enjoy every moment you can. I hope all of you stay well. I will try to get here more often. I miss being here. Joe

Just want to say a quick "Hi" to everyone here. I am still trying to make my home livable for two. I let all go to hell for the last ...9 years I guess. Plus I am a major pack-rat. Stuff stacked to the rafters. Sorting...Cleaning...it's all good !!! High stress with all of it and giving up my solitude. I will gain so much more than I am losing. Just trying to keep my head in a good place thru it all. And the kids are out of school so it seems like 24/7 when I have them. I watch them every two weeks now. I'm thinking of all of you often. Not on-line much except to see e mail. Not writing. Not reading. Things will get settled down again soon. Be well and keep strong, Joe

Nice ending. Great story Mark. I hope these are a regular series now. So tastefully erotic !!!

BAD Gizmo !!! I hope he gets what he deserves.