johnwut

Didn't see this until just now. I don't check the site often. We are all doing fine and everyone appreciates the well wishes from everybody.

I'm gonna kind of roll a couple replies into this one. I said before in this thread that I was Sam's partner and obviously that makes me the real Brian. Folks have asked some stuff that it's prolly time to say. First off I need to thank Adam for finishing ISWB for Sam. We both trusted him totally with this and he put a hell of a lot of blood sweat and tears into this. It meant a lot to both of us. It's not what Sam would have written. There's stuff in there that Sam told Adam to help him understand that Sam wouldn't have put in. I think it was better for it and I think Sam would've agreed. We had about 2 yrs together. 2 amazing yrs. He was himself to the end. Joking. Taking care of everybody else. Worrying about everybody else. Never let anything get him down for long. Something that doesn't come through in ISWB much is that he was always an optimist. He found something good out of the worst shit imaginable. He never held a grudge. Never walked past somebody he could help. Noticed the little see through bugs on a hike and got all excited about them. Got excited like a little kid when he'd see something new. And he laughed all the time. He was hurt. He'd be pissed if that was all somebody took away from ISWB. He didn't let himself be defined by that stuff. He needed to explain it. Say it as Adam says. But he still thought people were basically good and the world was an amazing place. After everything he still believed that. Don't walk away with the idea that there wasn't a whole lot of love and happiness and laughter in his life. If he was here he'd threaten to haunt anybody that did. Folks have asked how he died. He had colon cancer. Found it after it spread. Died at home in my arms with our family all around him. I adopted his son before Sam died and he's doing well. He's a great kid an he's a whole lot like Sam. Sam wasn't angry when he died. He didn't want to go. He told me over and over that most people didn't get what we had ever. He was right. So don't go feeling sorry for him or me. He'll haunt you and I'll bitch slap you. lol It meant a lot to Sam that people read ISWB. The feedback he got really touched him.

I suppose Sam could have taken that position. Given up. Done nothing. Spent his life wallowing. Instead he made a difference to a lot of people. Raised a great kid. And for the record we might not have had as much time as we would have liked but we were damn happy during what we did have. Shit happens to everybody. It's what you do with it that is the point. If things go bad and you lay around wallowing that would make life pretty pointless. Sam's life wasn't pointless.

Yep. Hell just froze over. Wanna come on down for a snowball fight? This is what happens when i got too much time on my hands.

Guess it's time for me to come out of hiding. I am the real Brian. And yes. Everybody involved knew Sam was writing this and was ok with it. And everybody knows Adam took over for him and is ok with it. And very grateful to Adam for doing it. Anybody wondering why I didn't take over for Sam would just have to watch me type for a few minutes to figure out why that wasn't gonna happen. I'm not repeating anything Adam didn't already say but I want to make it clear. I'm not gay. I'm not even bi. I'm not a closet case or confused or anything else. Guys in general do not turn me on. Women do. But I loved Sam. With everything I am. It took me a while to figure out what I was feeling back in high school. Figure out what I could offer him that way. The big hold up for me telling him back then was the fact that he loved my sister too. And she loved him. And you don't screw with family like that. I'm not sure bi even describes what Sam was. Love didn't have much to do with what body somebody was in for him and even if it wasn't what he focused on in iswb he really did love my sister. By the time that wasn't an issue anymore all kinds of other crap was. Even if I had understood everything I was feeling when we were 15 I still wouldn't a made a move on him then. -J