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John Henry

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  1. John Henry
    As I start this, I've got a slight caffeine withdrawal headache.  Normally, I drink about a liter of Dr Pepper a day to keep my cluster headaches in check; however, I wasn't in the mood for anything sugary yesterday, so I'm paying the price for it.  I did have an energy drink with my pills, and I'm about to have some kefir (drinkable, probiotic yogurt), so we'll see how that plays out.
    May fucking sucked.  There were more downs than ups, and if I were still inclined to delete myself from census, I might have deeply considered it.  Luckily, I'm no longer in that head space, but pain, depression and circumstance can be too overwhelming sometimes, which is why empathy, compassion and not relying on pre-conceived notions is important.
    My problems started when I thought I lost my wallet.  Actually, lets back up a bit....
    In December, I began making arrangements to go see some from friends, including an ex-boyfriend, at the end of May.  I saved a bunch of money, which I'm not good at, made reservations, which leaves me paranoid over hidden or surprise fees or just not getting the reservation, and purchasing the bus ticket, since I don't drive and it's a hell of a lot cheaper to pay $70 round trip than buying several full tanks of gas/petrol.
    With that said, everything was lining up nicely until May happened.
    The first thing that began this whole month of fuckery was losing my wallet.  I'm a bigger guy and will wear short over jeans whenever possible, even to work.  I also take public transit, since again, I don't drive and it's still way cheaper.  I got home late from work, having caught the last bus home.  I usually put my wallet in the same section of my backpack every night, after emptying my pockets onto my bed, where I also toss my jacket/hoodie, hat, and sometimes the clothes I'm wearing.  Then, I put everything in its place before going to bed.
    The next morning, I couldn't find my wallet, and I panicked.  I looked all over my room, which is cluttered but not a mess.  I ended up believing that I lost my wallet on the bus the night before, since it has my pass, and I couldn't have gotten home without it.  I called the bus company only to be told to call back later, since it hadn't been turned in.  I was also the last person on the bus that night, and my stop is almost at the end of the route, so I was 90% certain a customer hadn't taken it, depending on when I dropped it.
    So, I cancel all the cards and make arrangements to get a replacement ID card.  The last time I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles in my area was with the real Calvin and his two very, young boys, who are the inspiration for Bryan and Caleb.  We spent 4-6 hours there waiting for a title transfer for the car he bought, only to be told he had to get a different from or some crap, so I wasn't looking forward to getting the ID card.  Luckily, I was able to download an app, so I at least had access to my bus pass, but still....
    Since 9/11, traveling in the US without any form of identification can be a pain in the ass.  The last time I took the Greyhound, I had to show my ID card and couldn't get on the bus without it, so I knew I had to get something.  In my state, they also issue you a paper, temporary copy then will send you the actual one in the mail, which can take close to a month to get and would make it too close to my trip.
    In that first week, I got everything situated:  Canceled bank cards, with replacements being sent, got a new ID card, which only took an hour at the DMV, which was impressive, and got my bus pass transferred to my phone.  So, I lost my wallet on a Tuesday, got my new ID on Friday, which I had to pay around $40 for, but on Sunday, I found my old wallet....  It was sitting on a shelf right next to my dirty clothes hamper, which I checked at least a dozen times.  I was talking with a friend, and happened to look over at the shelf and started to get pissed, naturally.  I wasted money that was supposed to go towards my trip, and wasted a bunch of time on top of it.  Time is more valuable to me than money, since you can never get time back, so I was irritated beyond belief.  By the next Wednesday, I received a new bank card and was back to where I was, but $40 shorter on my vacation funds.
    Soon after that, I had to kick someone off the property at work.  This woman in particular has been a thorn on my side for about a year.  Due to where I work, we don't allow people to loiter under any circumstance.  We're not a restaurant or anything like that, but we do offer free wifi, which is why the woman was there.  She had been told by myself, other employees and the owner to never come back, because she's never there to conduct business but refuses to stop coming around.  I've been given permission to treat her as poorly as I can, which often includes cussing her out and calling her names.  She  also lives in some new apartments close by, so instead of using someone else's wifi or getting it for herself, she just chooses to use ours.
    So, after a year of this, I come in tell her to leave twice, then called the police, who usually never show up.  The woman got cocky and leaned on the property and waited, then the police came.  They were harassed by the locals from the apartments, as the woman tried to lie her way out it (as she has done in the past), and they gave her a citation for trespassing.  That night, her son decided to follow and harass me about it, until he finally caught on to the fact I was recording him the entire time.  Since then, several of her friends have tried harassing me over this issue, because she now has to go to court and its my fault.  I'm now having to walk several blocks out of my way to avoid the drama.
    Then there was "miscommunication" with the ex.  For months, he had been flirting with me, but whenever I responded in kind, he'd get all quiet or change the subject.  Now, we're not talking light flirting.  In front of our friends, he asked if I'd suck his dick and asked if I'd shave first.  And another, asked if he could fuck me.  This led to several thoughts on the subject, including lecturing him on boundaries and not teasing me.  In the end, I called him out on it, and we agreed to try it out.  He's in an open relationship with his asexual girlfriend, who said many times, that she didn't care if we fooled around, even as he was trying to use her as a scapegoat.
    Lastly, the medical issues.  🙄😒
    I've covered some of this in previous posts, so I'll try to sum this all up the best I can.  About two weeks before I leave on my trip, I woke up early one morning with a sharp pain in my mouth, under a tooth.  I took some over the counter pain killers and felt great.  The next day, the pain spread all across the left side of my face.  It was intense, but in the beginning, manageable.  I took a lot of over the counter pain meds and eventually, made an appointment to see the dentist.  I had even sent a message to my boss saying I would be at work that night and would go to Urgent Care the next morning.  Two hours later, I messaged saying I wasn't going to make it into work and went right to the emergency room about 10 miles from where I live, which is also about an hour on the bus.  Sitting and moving hurt like hell.
    I get to the ER, find an awkward position to hold my head to lessen the pain and quickly see someone.  I also need to mention that I have a form of eczema on my forehead.  It isn't major most of the time and certainly wasn't at this time, either.  However, the doctor asked me to remove my hat and saw a little redness on my forehead and jumped to the conclusion that I had shingles.  I was greatly annoyed and firmly corrected him; however, that was his running diagnosis while talking to me.
    I explained my symptoms, how and when they started, what's worked and not, and that despite the pain starting under a tooth, there has been no swelling or heat coming from the gums.  I did specifically mention that the tooth felt like it was trying to push its way out of my jaw, which he ignored, but will become important later.
    He "concluded" that it was likely shingles but could also be a nerve disorder, trigeminal myalgia, and prescribed me an anti-seizure medication called gabapentin.  I was told that it would take a couple of days and should work for my issues.  More importantly to him, he said that should I break out in a rash on the left side of my body, I definitely have shingles and should see my doctor for an anti-viral shot and the gabapentin would be prescribed for that, anyway.
    So, I get home, do some research and find that my symptoms matched the nerve disorder almost perfectly.  I also discovered that the gabapentin isn't a pain killer and could take not a couple of days but a couple of weeks to work, and by then, the disorder could've resolved itself.  In the end, I ended up subbing out the Tylenol for my cluster headache medication, since I couldn't get the pain relief to last more than a couple hours, and didn't want to make it look like I was a pill-popper by going to Urgent Care or the ER again.
    Since I was also looking at having sex with my ex, I got a standard STI check.  Everything was looking good, until a week before I was to leave when my doctor's office said that I tested positive for something I'd never heard of before.  I still don't know the name of it, but I wasn't showing any symptoms and the last guy I was with was in late December.  I was prescribed two antibiotics, incase I had a medicine resistant strain and discussed things with the ex, after doing some research.
    I ended up getting from a friend a much stronger dose of gabapentin for my trip, since sitting was still a huge problem, and I'd have to remain sitting for around 4 hours one way.  This dose was almost 3 times stronger than was I normally took, so I decided to take only one pill once a day and the normal dose the rest of the time, and that seemed to work really well.
    And then, I discovered that the name on my bus ticket was wrong.  They put my middle name down instead of my first name.  I called to see if that was still okay, and the woman I talked to was so confused that we almost had a fight over it.  In the end, I decided to see if I could get it fixed, which they gladly did for free, and were completely understanding of my situation.
    Finally, I go on the trip, and it was good.  Gabapentin made my mood a bit better, though I did make the mistake of mixing the pain killer with a sleep aid, which caused issues, but nothing bad.  I did get a little sunburnt, but otherwise, everything was good.  In fact, I loved the motel mattress, as it was the best mattress I'd ever slept on at a motel.  My ex and I had sex (I blew him) and we mostly just hung out with our friends.  I'd wake up to pain, but taking the meds dealt with that soon after waking up.
    I began to notice bumps that, at the time, I thought were from mosquitoes and the sunburn.  I also noticed that my brain was rather foggy, and I was glad I had written the chapters I did, because I couldn't real concentrate on much (and still having issues with it).  When I got home and unpacked, I noticed a lot  of bumps on my left side and began to freak out.  I wasn't sure if it was a medication reaction or bite from bed bugs.  In the end, I bagged everything I brought home, started to wash everything my luggage and belongings touched and vacuumed what couldn't be washed.  I didn't go to sleep till 4am that night and went to Urgent Care the next day.
    At Urgent Care, I asked the physician assistant that I spoke with not to jump to conclusions or seek out confirmation bias, since I've had issues with medical people doing that in the past, including the ER doctor I had seen...of course that's exactly what she did.  She didn't get within 3 feet/1 meter of me and drew the conclusion I had beg bugs, despite the facts that 1), they marks were only only on one side of my body and across my upper back, 2) my ex, who stayed the night with me on my last night, didn't have a single mark on him, 3) the redness and swelling from the bumps were decreasing since I stopped taking the meds and 4) nobody else who laid on the bed had any marks, either.  She didn't care.  Instead of sticking to that conclusion and as with the ER doctor, she came up with a secondary reason and re-prescribed me the first antibiotic I was on for the STI.  She was so disinterested in my case, that she didn't bother to see if I'd been prescribed it before or how recently.
    Luckily, before I left for my trip, I had name an appointment to see someone about the gabapentin, since it was due to run out.  So, last Friday, I went to the appointment and saw an actual doctor, who took the time to listen to everything I had to say, who actually looked at the marks (immediately declared it was a rash from the meds and not from bed bugs), told me to stop taking all the meds I was, and prescribed me another antibiotic for my tooth.  That's right.  I don't have nerve disorder.  I have an infected tooth.  After explaining the pain and how it feels, while also stating the rest of the pain had gone except that pain, he declared that it was an infected tooth, which coincidentally presses against nerve that would mimic trigeminal myalgia.  He also stated that gabapentin isn't the drug that treats the nerve disorder, so it wouldn't have worked anyway.  He further concluded that I was likely allergic to gabapentin and possibly the antibiotic, both things the physician assistant said wasn't likely, since she didn't believe I had a rash.
    So, now, I'm not in as much pain, a little foggy in the brain, and waiting to see the dentist in a couple of weeks.  The bumps are decreasing in a size and inflammation, and I'm feeling a lot better.  It's always worth getting multiple opinions when it comes to medical issues, especially if you feel that you're professional person is seeking confirmation bias or isn't taking you seriously.  It's your body, and you have the right, even in the US, to get the best treatment you can get.  If you don't feel you're issues are being addressed, say something and get another opinion.  It could save your life, literally.
  2. John Henry

    Beyond Thicker Than Water....

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    I know I started this blog as a means to give greater context into Thicker Than Water and my writing process, which hasn't been well received (oh well), so I thought I'd turn this more into a discussion forum instead.  The first thing I'd like to discuss is to quote a Chicago song, "Where do we go from here?"
    I'm not yet done with Thicker Than Water, as I know how the story will end but not quite there yet.  I will be continuing the adventures of the characters in the story over on Nifty in a much bigger story that ties in several stories I have on that sight.  The reason I don't want to bring that tie-in here to GA is that there will be topics that violate the guidelines here, such as under age sex and sexual situations with minors (which has occurred in my other stories, already), and Nifty is the better platform for that. (I can get into all of that in a future post later if everyone wants.)
    With that in mind, I do have several ideas that wouldn't work on Nifty due to the lack taboo sexual content, ironically.  There are formatting issues that Nifty also lacks that I'm so glad GA has, such as the ability to use italics for emphasis and to be able to come back in a edit posts.  With that said, I'm on the fence with what to work on next, as I have three ideas (kind of) fleshed out.
    The first idea I've worked on the most is an anthology that's built around a soundtrack.  Each story would be it's own isolated story focusing on queer characters major events in their lives, with a particular song that, to me, exemplifies or enhances the reading experience.  Being into music as I am, I've already created a YouTube playlist to go along with it, along with notes on individual stories.  I've tried finding artists that are openly queer, queer adjacent or at the very least not openly anti-LGBTQAI+, and each song has had a strong emotional pull (which is saying something for me) whenever I think about the associated story.
    The second idea is one I've been toying with for quite awhile.  It's a dark drama similar to what you'd find from the US shows Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy.  I don't want to get too much into the details yet, but it would explore the much darker sides of human nature within the confines of GA's guidelines.  If you've read Growing Up Charlie on Nifty, you might have an idea of how truly dark this could get.  I love writing villains and antiheros, people you just love to hate, that's what this story would be about.  This would be a series of novels that would be written like I were writing a television show (not in script form, though), with the idea that dialogue and cinematic description would be more of the focus than over all narration.
    The third idea is more of a passion project that I always get nervous about writing.  If you've read far enough into Thicker Than Water, you'll notice Steve is a gamer, who is obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons (don't jump too far ahead here, people!)  I'm also a gamer who has a fondness for D&D, but my true TTRPG (table top roleplaying game) love is Vampire: the Masquerade.  It was the first game I ever played and have been in love with the setting ever since.  I've always wanted to write fan fiction for it since high school, but the company was very controlling over their copywrites and trademarks...until a few years ago.  They've opened the door for fan fiction to be written, so long as certain guidelines are met (mostly around money), and GA would be the better site to post it on, I think.  I have some ideas of how I want this to do, but have been too nervous to even try to come up with ideas; however, if I pull it off the way I want, I think it would make for a really good, engrossing story or series.
    So that's what I'm looking at when it comes to future projects.  Thicker Than Water is getting closer to finishing with every entry, and I don't want to be the only story I post on this site.  I hate making decisions, and would love some feed back from those who would be reading the stories I post, so lets have discussion down in the comments below and see the possibilities.
  3. John Henry

    In The Mourning Day (Thicker Than Water Chapter 9)

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    When I first envisioned Jefferson as a town, the fictional city of Charming, CA from Sons of Anarchy came to mind, but certainly smaller.  Thoughts of a rustic, desert town, with pine trees and scrub brush lining the streets instead of lush foliage and bushy oaks.  The town could fit anywhere along Highway 97 from Central Washington to Central California.  The motel they stayed in based on an experience a friend of mine had at some crap, roadside place.
    Unless the situation calls for it, I usually avoid over describing a scene.  Being a table top gamer, I find that letting others form these places in their mind better than trying to translate what's in my head.  Sure, it might be lazy, but it also allows the reader to create their own version of the world.  Some may not have seen Jefferson as a high desert town but a shabby logging town or English country village.  What Jefferson looks like doesn't matter to the overall plot of the story, in the end.
    I also take this stance when it comes to character descriptions.  Unless the character is important to the story, I like to give just enough important detail to make the character rememberable, but not so much that I'm imposing my image of the person onto the reader.  For more important characters, I'll give more details, such as physical descriptions, but I still won't give a lot or try to be vague enough to allow the reader to keep what they've already envisioned with some adjustments.
    An example of this is when I describe Bryan and Caleb in this chapter.  I don't recall giving a lot of physical description of them prior, so the readers have already had an idea of what they thought the boys looked like.  I was aware of that I hadn't properly described them, so when I did, I wanted to be sure that it was minimal with detail to get what I wanted to across.  Bryan needed to look like Donna, with Caleb looking like Calvin.  The real life counter part to Bryan does look like his mother, and neither boy looks like the real Calvin, fortunately.  However, I gave the description I did, since he'd be looking for people who looked like Donna.
    At the time, I wasn't sure if Donna's mother or other relatives would be at the funeral.  I think I planned to have a brother, her mother or some other relative there, but ultimately decided that Donna's addiction caused her to die alone.
    Pastor Dave is from the same story series that Ry, Billy and Charlie are from.  In fact, David Williams was one of Charlie's best friends from elementary school.  His father was also a pastor.  The reason he didn't bat an eye when Diego referred to Steve as his boyfriend was because David was around when Charlie was figuring out his own sexuality.  David didn't have many friends, so seeing how kind and carrying Charlie was had an impact on David that lasted into adulthood.  David was the one who performed the wedding of Ry and Charlie, which Steve was going to ask when Calvin arrived.
    At this point in the story, I still wasn't sure how connected I wanted my stories to be, so adding David was a little tricky for me.  Again, those are not stories that would be allowed on his website due to the nature of the stories, as they violate several guidelines; however, I had decided to make a connected a universe with the potential of full crossover series set in Washington High School.  The details to those stories are not necessary to the overall story I'm telling here, at least of the writing of this blog post.  Any necessary details will be given context, so I wouldn't be throwing in subtle jokes or hints that nobody would get and not make sense.
    Anyway....
    I used this as another opportunity to show the bond between Bryan and Caleb.  Bryan helping Caleb with his tie, offering support and holding his little brother at the funeral...those are all things we want our children to be to each other, while the reality isn't close to this at all for the most part.  I like to think that Bryan cultivated this relationship, with Diego encouraging it.  Caleb is the only person in Bryan's life who has been there for almost all of it and hasn't left, and I like to think that Bryan acknowledges this and tries to make sure that it never changes.
    At the diner when Diego goes to the parking lot, he saw Calvin.  He wasn't 100% certain at the time, but he went out to confront him, but Calvin drove away before Diego could get a proper look.  It's a bit of foreshadowing I hoped people would pick up on later.
    Not being religious, I didn't want to spend time with David quoting scripture.  Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want, but I certainly don't want to seen promoting any particular religious views.  I originally planned to have the service be more detailed when the idea of Donna's family being there, but once I came to the conclusion that Donna's family wasn't showing up, I figured David would've gathered some people from the church and Donna's closest friends.  Being an active drug user who lost her kids, I made Donna homeless, which is inline with the real Donna when she lost the boys to the real Calvin.
    Speaking of Calvin, when I envisioned this chapter, I didn't originally plan on Calvin being there.  I planned to save him for the later in the story, with Diego getting into an argument with Donna's brother or mother.  They were going to accuse Diego of keeping the kids from them, but Bryan was going to clap back about why they hadn't adopted him and Caleb.  There was going to be some weak excuse that showed they were pieces of shit, similar to Donna.  In the end, I decided to cut them all out.  Their presence would've only muddied the plot I wanted to tell and serve no real purpose.  The story is about Diego raising two boys that his former friend abandoned and wants back for some unknown reason.  Adding a third or fourth party just seemed unneeded.
    And the cliffhanger....  I love writing cliffhangers.  I know I've talked about them before, so I won't go into again.  However, this one took a couple of rewrites.  I had Bryan noticing Calvin and saying something, then Caleb asking who the person was watching them, but settled on Diego noticing Calvin.  I think it was the most impactful, and I rewrote the part at the diner to line up with this moment.
    As I mentioned in the comments to this chapter, the physical description I gave to Calvin the story was passive-aggressive.  The real Calvin is rather vain about his appearance, despite it not being deserved.  The real Calvin has severe resting bitch face, going bald, and has a perpetual homeless look about him, even when housed.  There are also other descriptions about his appearance that aren't necessary to the discussion, but needless to say, that the real Calvin would be annoyed that I described a character based on him as I did.
    The comment section highlighted a few key notes to the themes of this chapter and story: 
    Caleb's emotional state and what Calvin his really up to.  As mentioned in earlier in this chapter and Caleb's bedwetting, Caleb has emotional issues and is emotionally sensitive.  He never really knew Donna but grew an attachment to her.  The impact of Calvin showing at Donna's funeral could have an impact on Caleb that has yet to be addressed.
    As for Calvin's motives, we're on Chapter 28 and no motive has been established.  There are motives, but since it's a key part of the overall plot, I won't be discussing it/them here; however, most of the guesses in the comments were wrong.
    This was a relatively short chapter for this story, and it was almost part of Chapter 10; however, I like the cliffhanger too much to have be a mid-chapter break.  It did make writing Chapter 10 more difficult, but that's for the next installment, so I'll see you in the next one....
  4. John Henry
    So, here we are in Chapter 8.  It's another transitional scene that I wanted to show more of the bonds that hold the Padilla family together.
    Of course we start with the aftermath of Bryan and Kenny's conflict.  Bryan is showing a rare moment of vulnerability, where his attachment issues get triggered.  I find that it's key to keep bringing this up, because everyone's motivations and activities are dictated by how they handle trauma.  Bryan doesn't grow close to most people because of the fear they'll leave him.  For a lot of people in his situation, when moments of abandonment come about, they'll dig in deeper, closing more people out, even going as far as to end current friendships/relationships so there isn't that opportunity to get hurt again.  A good, common phrase I've heard from these people is, "I'd rather hurt them first before they hurt me."  Fortunately, Bryan isn't at that point yet or he has done work to get passed that (I honestly haven't decided at this point).  Yes, Bryan pushes people away, which makes forming those bonds harder, but he is at least still open to making them and strengthening those bonds when he's ready.
    Luckily, Bryan has his dad and brother to fall back on.  The two bonds he's had the longest and most consistent.  Diego holding his son is what I would expect any normal parent to do.  He doesn't care that Bryan is almost an adult.  His son is obviously in pain and his instinct is to comfort him. 
    I can say this now that real Calvin would've told him to get over it, since he feels actually feels that comforting your child is harmful to them because "real men" are "tough," despite his own admittance to not being a "real man."  🙄😑 (Thank the platform for emojis.)
    Anyway, this is also another situation that shows the bond between Bryan and Caleb.  Just as Bryan helped Caleb after the bed wetting scene, Caleb it looking after his big brother.  They have a bond that every parent should try to foster among their children, to be honest.  The real life Bryan and Caleb have a similar bond for the moment, though I haven't seen them in almost year.  Like their real life counterparts, Bryan and Caleb have only ever had each other, and they instinctively keep that bond strong.
    In the backstories that introduce Steve, I largely avoided place names.  I'm horrible at coming up with them and often have to use random name generators.  Since I live in the United States, however, I decided to use names of the Presidents and the US Founding Fathers.  It's common that states, counties, cities and streets are named after them anyway, so it's not out of the ordinary here, though the amount to which I use them kind of is, but what can you do? (That's rhetorical, btw.)
    In that trilogy, Billy, Charlie, Ry and their dad, Rick, stop off at the same diner Diego, Steve and the boys stop at, though many years later.  They're served by the same waitress, and Bryan and Diego's banter about coffee is the same Rick and Billy had.  The waitress even makes the same remark to Bryan that she said to Billy.  I thought it was a nice call back.  The town of Hamilton is also home to a women's prison, which Billy and Charlie's mother served time in.
    I never bothered describing Hamilton in the other story, aside from it having a prison and a hotel.  Even in that story, I never based any of these locations on a specific state, though Washington is somewhere in the American Great Planes near the Rockies but within driving distance of Nebraska.  In my mind's eye, I assumed it was at the foot of the Rockies in or near Colorado near the Nebraska border, and Washington is supposed to be the side of Portland, Oregon, with Franklin being about the size of Springfield, Oregon (the real life inspiration for home town of the Simpsons).  The value of Google Maps and Wikipedia, am I right?
    When Caleb asked when Steve and Diego were going to get married, I think I was channeling the readers or at least giving them voice.  I've presented them as a good couple who love and support each other, though I hadn't really gone too far into their relationship at that point.  As I've discussed before, Caleb doesn't have the hang ups Bryan does, because he doesn't remember Calvin.  Diego is the only father he's ever known, and despite all of Diego's exes, Caleb likes Steve the most.  It just seemed natural that Caleb would want Steve as a stepdad and wants his own father to be with someone who makes him happy.
    I also wanted to give more context to the relationship between Steve and Diego.  This was a difficult scene to write, because I wanted to show restraint with the adults and compassion towards the boys.  I can't even imagine how I would've handled that situation in real life, but I would hope I had presence of mind to react the way Diego and Steve did.
    This situation with the innkeeper is something I probably would've handled differently.  I don't care for bigots and have a hard time keeping to myself, but thankfully, Steve isn't me.  I do think we need to be more open about ourselves in public to help normalize queer culture, so long as it isn't offensive or dangerous to do so.  Making out with your boyfriend at an armed neo-Nazi rally might not be the smartest idea, unless you out gun them.
    the infamous phrases like "How bad can it be?" are great for foreshadowing.  They're cliches for a reason, and anyone who has dared use them in real life already knows that irony and bad luck can go hand-in-hand.  By this point, everyone was guessing what was coming, anyway.
    Cliffhangers and foreshadowing are great ways to keep people coming back.  It's a good tool for those who run table top roleplaying games, like Dungeons and Dragons, and it works in literature, as well.  TV shows (soap operas in particular) and movies use this to bring audiences back for the next installment, and even though some people get don't like the anxiety such endings cause, most will tune in for more. 
    Every author should use foreshadowing in very subtle ways.  Most foreshadowing is best used in small ways.  A quick reference to something that seems insignificant in the moment that will have major impact later on (a snippet of conversation about a petty criminal going to jail in the first chapter or two, who will escape later and take the family hostage) is a good start.  It can also be a big tip of the hate with a What else could go wrong? phrase, like I used at the end of this chapter.  As long as the characters remain in the dark or ignorant to future events/outcomes, you can give a little taste to the audience to make them want to see what happens.
    Cliffhangers are best when the scene abruptly ends in moments of heightened tension.  The protagonist runs for their life from the killer and only stops when they think they're in the clear, only to have the killer step out of the shadows, and have the story change focus to another character to just ends till the next chapter/installment.  An effective cliffhanger puts something of value on the line and makes the audience wait for the result.  You can even prolong this tension with chapter that has nothing to do with the hanging tension, but that can piss off your audience.
    Matt Stone and Trey Parker found that out in the first season of South Park.  At the time, South Park was released once a month.  In one of the first episodes, they did a two part storyline about who Eric Cartman's father really was.  The first episode dealt with all the possible suspects and the cliffhanger was supposed to resolve that story line in the next episode.  However, the second part was supposed to be released on April Fools Day, so they decided to prank the audience and pushed the second part to May, airing a different episode entirely.  Needless to say, they got a lot of hate mail for it, but those same people tuned in the following month for the story's conclusion.
    And on that note, I'll see you in the next one....
  5. John Henry
    So, Chapter 7....
    As with most of the chapters I write, I'm never certain where the story is going until it's done.  I generally have clues as what each chapter should have in it, but often, turns are taken that I wasn't prepared for, and this chapter wasn't an exception.
    Up to this point, Bryan hasn't really been interested in Steve as a person.  He hasn't been rude to the man, but given Bryan's issues with father figures and relationship issues, I was prepared for this to be another failed attempt by Steve to get Bryan to like him.
    As mentioned before, Steve is a character from another story I've written (and still working on completing), and I wasn't sure how much of his backstory to add, since Steve didn't have a big part in the other story.  By this point, I was settled on making a shared universe out of several short stories and would-be novels I've written for another website.  Which stories would be connected and how they'd be integrated were other problems as I tell Steve's story.  It's still tricky now, since I want the connection without the reader having to read a bunch of stuff they'd problem not like, since the content is extremely adult, taboo and certainly not suited for this website.
    I'm also someone who likes inside jokes that most people wouldn't get.  Those jokes don't need context, but if you're "in the know," they're that much funnier.
    Also, as I reading the chapter for this blog post, I noticed that the high school names I'm using changed.  I originally wrote Wilson High in this chapter, but in later chapters, I called it Washington.  My original idea was to write a series about the high school and slowly incorporate the queer kids from my other stories into one setting. 
    I wanted to name the high school after US President Woodrow Wilson, who was a bigot worse than Trump and Nixon combined.  He grew up in the Southern US during a period called Reconstruction, which took place after the Civil War of the 1860s.  Reconstruction punished the South for trying to break away from the US threw economic means and reimbursements for the cost of the war.  Wilson, whose family owned slaves before the war, still held the racist views of his ancestors prior to becoming US President.  He even wrote books and articles glorifying the South's fight to keep slaves and also glorified the then defunct Ku Klux Klan so greatly, it caused the Klan to make a come back during the early 20th Century and they haven't gone away since.  When Wilson became President, he segregated Washington, DC, which wasn't desegregated until segregation was made illegal in the 1960s.
    These are hardly the only horrible things Wilson did while President, either.  During WWI, Britain and France initially carved up the Ottoman Empire between the two nations.  However, Wilson didn't like this, and drew up his own map, which was essentially the same map that Britain and France came up with.  This carving of the Middle East is why the current War in Gaza and every single problem the Middle East has suffered is occurring.  I wish that here hyperbole, but it isn't.  Had Teddy Roosevelt or Taft became President instead, there's good reason to believe that the Middle East wouldn't have been carved up the way it was.  Wilson only wanted to make himself look good.
    The US polices the world because Woodrow Wilson thought we should.  It's called the Wilson Doctrine.  He mandated that the US should spread and secure Democracy by any means necessary.  Our current economic problems also come from Wilson.  He forced through the Federal Reserve Bank, thus privatizing our currency and failing to make sure that monopolies were better regulated.  The Great Depression can be attributed to his policies.
    There's much more to Wilson as well, which I was going to make into a plot of the series that got the school's name changed.  I still might do that, but right now, I've changed (and will continue to change) the name from Wilson to Washington whenever I come across it.
    Anyway....
    As we know now, Bryan starts off not wanting to hear anything from Steve, but Steve is unwilling to give up.  I wanted this to be a juxtaposition for Bryan's point of view.  I think most of Diego's boyfriends didn't really care about the boys and only saw them as accessories or roadblocks to their relationships with Diego.  Steve doesn't see them that way.  He sees them as a family unit that he wants to be a part of, which means being accepted by all family members.  He wants to care about the boys, but only on the level he's allowed.  At this point, Bryan is being distant and aloof, and Steve wants to give Bryan an opportunity to change his mind.
    The line, "I'm actually bisexual," was taken from Heartstopper.  If you haven't seen it.  You must.
    The tale of Steve's personal discovery links two stories this Thicker Than Water.  The first tells the story of a shy, nerdy and sexually repressed, gay, college student who has the hots for his seemingly straight of a jock dormmate.  The jock pretends to be drunk to get the main character to help him into bed.  Through some clever word play, the sober jock "drunkenly" confesses that he really likes his roommate. After they kiss, the jock admits he hasn't had anything to drink and it was a set up to get to the point that they were into each other.
    The part of Steve's background when he's talking about his black friend being bullied discusses a character named Trevor who is introduced in Chapter 26.  Also, the boy's hand he held while crossing the street is Billy, Diego's lawyer, who is introduced in Chapter 23 or 24.  I can't remember which.
    The hug between Bryan and Steve wasn't planned.  It seemed something that needed to happen in the moment.  While I was editing, I considered removing it several times, but the scene didn't feel right without it.  So, whenever this happens, go with your gut.  If it works, use it.  If it doesn't, ditch it.  If you're not sure, read it out loud and see how it feels, but always trust your instincts.
    The exchanged with Kenny, Bryan and Terra about the relationship, I feel, is pretty common, especially among insecure, young teens.  The fear of the being outed it massive.  I know it's pretty common today, but ask anyone born before 2000, and you'll get some horror stories for sure.  It's good that we as a species are moving beyond our prejudices, especially racism, sexism and homophobia, but there's still too much work that needs to be done to make coming out a non-issue, and I wanted to express that through Kenny's feelings of embarrassment, fear and insecurity.  Bryan has confidence because his dad is confident about who he is.  Kenny doesn't have that, and I think a lot of younger people might not realize how hard coming out is.  Just my opinion and take on the situation.
    And lastly, the events that lead up to Donna's funeral.  The real life inspiration for Donna, to the best of my knowledge, is still alive and active in her addictions, which have cost her at least four children with two different men.  I fictionalized her death for a couple of reasons.  1)  I don't like her in the slightest in real life, so if she did die, I wouldn't be surprised and honestly, her children are better off without her.  And 2) I didn't want the story to focus on her anymore than it had to.  The story is about Diego and the boys remaining a family despite Calvin.  I felt adding another antagonist was too much of a burden to the over all plot.
    This bit also give us more insight into who Calvin is as a person, mostly coming from the real Calvin.
    So, next is Chapter 7.  Hopefully, it won't take that long to be released as this post did.  My life is getting back on track, so hopefully, there will be fewer delays.
    Until next time....
  6. John Henry

    Delays

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    Due to life and stuff, this week's chapter will probably be delayed a week, though I'm hoping to get the blog entry for Chapter 6 done.
  7. John Henry
    When I was a kid, spanking was still a normal practice that nobody thought twice about.  Sure, there were parents who felt it was an outdate and barbaric practice, but they were in the minority and looked at as crazy people.  By the time I reached high school, my generation saw spanking as unnecessary and cruel.  As time has passed, those "pro-spankers" have moved into the minority.  I should mention, for those who might not have figure it out, I'm an American.  I grew up in a relatively liberal part of the country, with a large conservative area around it.  Some consider me GenX, though I fall more in line with rarely mentioned GenY (or Xillennial if you must).  My micro generation has qualities of both GenX and Millennials, without having the numbers or benefits of either.  We're basically a "cusp" generation.
    With that said, I raised by pro-spanking parents and grandparents, and I find the practice aberrant.  My father and at least one grandparent used spanking as a means of venting their anger on us though they would've laughed had you called that abuse.  They considered it their "right" to hit a child.  Some parents still see it that way.
    The idea of teaching respect through fear is still foreign to me, which was the excuse for spanking in my family.  It didn't teach me or my siblings respect.  It taught me hate, bitterness and resentment, and I was broken by it, emotionally and mentally.  I stopped crying at 9-years-old and haven't been the same since.  Thankfully, therapy has worked wonders.
    I mention this because of Bryan's punishment at the beginning of Chapter 5.  Diego, like myself, doesn't believe that spanking is ever necessary.  My mother, like Diego, only had to talk to us sternly, and we became more scared and compliant than any amount of physical abuse my father had ever hoped to get from spanking/beating us.  Also, throughout my life, I've noticed that amazing work ethic of Latin-X people, especially Mexicans.  Republicans can lie all they want about the "lazy Mexican," but we all know that Americans are really fucking lazy.  Drive by any good sized farm and count the workers.
    Anyway, I figured that Diego, who was raised with a strong work ethic, would've done the same with Bryan and Caleb, instead of spanking them.  He raised his kids to fear angering him, because that was already scary enough.  The "physical" punishment is the hard labor.  I imagine that, during highly rebellious phases, when Bryan was struggling to adjust to life without Calvin, Bryan refused to do his chores, and Diego said something like, "Fine, but you're not eating till it's done."  With Bryan holding out, only to discover that Diego meant it.  Bryan's attitude would've only gone so far at that point.
    For Diego, it's a matter of consequences (positive (rewards) or negative (punishments)).  Let's take the fight in class as an example.  Bryan's punishment (negative consequence) was doing house work; however, he was still allowed to have Kenny over.  Bryan's actions in class was uncalled for but for a moral reason.  Diego doesn't agree that violence is the answer, but he wasn't going to punish Bryan for taking a moral stance, especially against a bigot and bully; thus, issues more punishments wasn't necessary.  Grounding was the base punishment, and with Bryan's history, we was given an elevated punishment.
    Diego is also the father I wanted to have and wish I could've been; however, due to the abuse my father put me through, I decided that children weren't ever going to be in future.  The last thing I wanted was to pass that on, even by accident.
    Now, with the heaviness out of the way....
    I wanted to add more comedic bits to the story at this point.  
    If you've ever seen There's Something About Mary, you'll get the Bobby Laine joke better.  When Bryan is congratulating Diego on his anniversary dinner, I heard David Rose from Schitt's Creek in my head, including David's sarcastic facial expressions.  In fact, Bryan's entire reaction, with Diego and the sex talk, was inspired by Dan Levy's performance.  If you haven't seen that show, you really need to.
    The scene with Chase the pizza guy was added to help add a tell towards Bryan's sexuality and show Caleb's perceptiveness.  Diego raised the boys in a home where someone's sexuality wasn't ever treated as a big deal, so there wouldn't have been any coming out or whatever.  I like to think that Caleb only mentioned it because Kenny was there.
    The line "Oh, Sweetie, Bryan only has eyes for you," was paraphrased and lifted from Chasing Amy, which was probably the first queer centric movie I had ever seen and is pretty good.
    The rest of the chapter was nice to write.  Bryan and Kenny were able to be more open and expressive with their feelings for each other in a safe environment.  A lot of writers, especially in movies and TV, seem to make a big deal out of such scenes.  Dan Levy, who wrote, produced and played David Rose, handled these sorts of scenes on Schitt's Creek in the best ways by keep them to a minimum and just giving the characters room to breathe, while not bashing the audience over the head, like they did on shows like Supergirl.  I think more shows need to follow Dan's lead and avoid the way Supergirl handled it, by creating over the top scenarios with heavy handed moral lessons what made the message more cringy than informative.
    An example would be when Alex Danvers comes out as a lesbian.  They dragged it out and made a huge deal about it.  Yes, it was a big deal, but to me and others, it came off as too much and came close to being campy in a way, with the over the top existential crisis of the character, whose adopted sister is a fucking alien and superhero.  Yes, there are plenty of people who struggle with their sexuality and coming out, but I think storylines like this only fan those flames of anxiety and insecurity.
    However, when David Rose came out as Pansexual it was talked about it a gentle absorbable way, since we're all lead to assume that David is gay, given how he presents himself.  The woman whom he had sex with was even confused by it all, which lead to the conversation about David being pan, and it was all discussed through wine preferences.  It wasn't cringy in the slightest (Dan himself hates cringy moments in real life), informative when explaining what pansexuality actually is, and then it's dropped once explained and accepted.  I think it gets brought up again later by David's dad Johnny (played by Dan's real life dad, Eugene Levy (the dad from the American Pie movies)), but it was more out of expressing his fears that David wasn't going to be accepted for who he is than any conflict about who David was.
    With Caleb having been raised almost exclusively by an openly gay man, I felt it was only appropriate for him to not be bothered by his brother being in a relationship with Kenny, but as a sibling, the teasing was a bit called for.
    A concern that came up in the comments to this chapter that I kind of addressed was Bryan's conflicts with his feeling towards Kenny and not wanting to lead him on.  I touched on it then, so let's see if I can expand on it....
    Bryan has started puberty.  We might as well get that out in the open.  The introduction to those chemicals changes people physically and emotionally; however, it doesn't necessarily do the same as far their maturity.  Though Bryan isn't technically a little kid, he isn't an adult either.  It's in that his conflict is housed.  He's caught between being a child and adult.  He knows how he feels in both.  His hormones and love for Kenny tell him yes, but his child-like naivete tells him no.  Then you add his abandonment/attachment issues from Calvin, and you have Bryan's conflict with Kenny.  It seems contradictory, because he's in a situation where he's having contradicting feelings.  His lizard brain is trigging his fight/flight response, so he doesn't get hurt, while his emotional brain wants the attachment, which is being fueled by his new hormone imbalance.
    Despite how small the chapter was, there was a lot to it.  I was going to add Chapter 6 to this, thinking there wasn't much to it, but I guess I proved myself.
    See you in the next one....
    John.
  8. John Henry
    Thus far, I haven't really gotten into my writing process.  I mean, I've touched on it, but I haven't gone over how I write a story from start to finish.  It's something that I do think about it, especially in the context of this blog, but then, I hastily dismiss it and move on to other things.  Like a lot of writers, I hold the superstition that if you talk about an unfinished work, you'll lose that spark of inspiration and never finish the story.  That's one of the reasons I'm a bit dismissive in the comments with the storyline itself.  Thankfully, there are plenty of people who hate spoilers, so I can get away with not saying anything out of fear of starting a riot.
    With that said, I think this is the time to get into how I come up with my stories, when I chose to write them, and hopefully get more details in my style and voice.  This will probably be more rambling.
    I've been a storyteller since I was a little kid.  I couldn't play with my toys without having some kind of story or scenario they were engaged in.  As I grew older, I started to write these things down, keeping them to myself, as I didn't think anyone would like them.  Once I got into the 8th grade, however, I started sharing a little bit with friends and in class assignments.  Due to having dyslexia and ADHD (a mild case of it, comparatively), reading was never something I could really manage.  I have never been on any medications for my learning disabilities, as my parents were against it, and at the time, there were no names for my conditions, so the public school system was not helpful in the slightest for people like me, which made me self-conscious, so with only the few exceptions I mentioned already, I continued to keep my writing to myself.
    Story ideas just come to me.  I can't explain it.  I do know it's a muscle that needs to be worked and maintained, or you'll lose it.  Ideas can literally come from anywhere.  Sometimes a conversation or just a word or phrase can bring about a seed.  Music is also another source I've utilized from time to time.  When I was much younger, I wrote a script based on the song "Hotel California" by Eagles.  It followed the lyrical narrative of the song as if it was literal instead of metaphorical.  The saying, "Write what you know," is a great start.  My first short story was based in my school and the characters were adult versions of my friends and other classmates.  Thicker Than Water, as mentioned multiple times in the comments and, I believe, this blog is very loosely based on real events and people to help me process personal issues.
    Once I a seed of inspiration, I just let it sit in my head.  I play with it, stretching it, molding it, and exploring the possibilities.  I treat it like a little kid playing with clay.  If it's a line of dialogue, I think of a context in which it could be used, who might say it, who might be hearing it and how they may react.  If it's a setting/location, I would think of it's history, significance, population, and physical description.  If it's a person, I think of personality and voice before physical description.  I want their physical characteristics to reflect their personality verses trying to mold their character into their body.  Kenny is a great example of this.  He's soft spoken, nerdy and mousy in personality, and his physical description matches this personality, which helps the ready visualize him with minimal descriptions.
    Most of the seeds die before they're planted.  Either they just don't stick as ideas, in the end not very good, or sometimes just too ambitious for me take on.  I'm aware of my own limitations as a writer.  Having done this for a long time, I know my limits and comfort level with certain topics.  I will try to stretch outside of my areas just to see how far I've grown, but most of those just fail after less than 100 pages.
    I don't really keep a journal.  I've tried in the past, but my ADHD just prevents me from sticking with it.  Instead, how I compensate is to keep it in my head.  If the idea is good enough to push me to type it up, I'll start the story.  If I forget about it, then it wasn't interesting enough for me to pursue it, which means it probably wouldn't have gone anywhere, anyway.
    When I do write, I prefer to write late at night just before bed.  I have insomnia, and it's usually sparked by my brain refusing to shut down, so writing at that time, allows me to get out of my head the thing(s) that would keep me awake all night, anyway.  I try to type at least four pages at a time, which is roughly one chapter for me.  I don't hold myself to that standard, nor do I write every single night, but when I do dedicate the time, that's my goal.  If I go over my goal, all the better, as long as I'm not screwing myself over the next day with lack of sleep.
    Sometimes, I'll listen to music in the background to help my pacing, setting a particular mood, adding inspiration to a scene or just to drown out other noises.  I cannot write while someone else it talking, so no podcasts, documentaries or other conversational inputs.  My brain will try to latch onto them instead of focusing on the story.  I also take breaks to reflect on what I've written and I will rarely edit while writing.  If you're someone who can successfully edit while writing, more power to you; however, if you're someone who finds they focus too much on editing and not writing, try writing it out by hand then edit when you transcribe it to your computer.  I know that sounds awful, but it really does help break that habit of editing instead of creating.  The first/rough draft needs to get the story out there, while then next one to several drafts is for fixing and polishing your work.  Trust me, it helps.
    When I start a story, I typically know how it will end, and that's the goal I'm working towards.  I'll try to avoid she who must not be named and her boy in the cupboard as examples, though it is a good one, but I learned to do this from playing and running table top roleplaying games, like Dungeons & Dragons and Vampire: the Masquerade.  When running such games, it's your responsibility to come up with a story, plot, characters and as many potential end goals as you can for your players.  They force you into character development, either for your own character (including backstory and personality) or for the characters your players will encounter (non-player characters or NPCs), and the assistance to narration is beyond useful.
    For me, such games were beneficial and a curse, as far as being a writer went, since I started focusing more on gaming than writing.  However, before I started gaming, most of my stories were dialogue driven with rather weak narration, or I'd just write scripts.  Once I got back into writing, having ran countless game sessions, I found that my narration improved immensely, but my dialogue suffered.  It took some time, but I think I have finally found a sweet spot with both, still thanks to be roleplay games.
    Normally, I don't finish the stories I write.  I typically lose interest before the end or get too distracted.  Since I've started posting a chapter at a time online, I've found the self-imposed deadlines and need to get the content out to be a great, though stressful, motivator.  If I'm writing for myself, I just won't finish it.  I know how the story ends, anyway, so why would I want to bother?  But, when I'm writing for someone else, I feel obligated to finish what I started, so posting my stories online has given me the drive I need to finish that I couldn't do on my own.
    My style of writing is pretty basic bitch fair.  As much as I would love to write a fantasy or horror story set in its own world, I'm not skilled enough to do it.  I've tried and it never works outs.  I stick with modern day, general fiction because I can relate to it better.  Normal, average people in every day circumstances is what I know.  Thicker Than Water is one of several stories I've written that are grounded in today's world.  There isn't anything in it that couldn't happen in real life (as some of it is what actually happened to me.) 
    I find drama to be the easiest style to write (comedy is notorious for the being the absolute hardest to write, and rightfully so), and the tragedy side of drama what I've defaulted to in the past.  For a long time, there was hardly a story I've written where someone didn't die, and I was never afraid to kill the main character after establishing an emotional connection with the audience.  I once wrote a screen play about a gay man who admits to being in love with his straight friend only to be killed sudden right after.  Apparently, it was good enough that a homophobic coworker who read it offered to play the lead if I ever produced it, even if it meant a sex scene with another man (and no, he definitely wasn't closeted).
    I'm also not afraid to write stories or scenarios that would shock, repulse or anger others.  I think making something taboo deprives humanity the ability to understand why things are they way they are.  That's not to say that I don't have my limits, and I do, but I'm also not squeamish when it comes to horrible events and topics.  After all, in order to run an effective game like Dungeons & Dragons, you have to frequently play the bad guys and make them bad enough to get your players motivated to hunt them down.  In a game like Vampire: the Masquerade where you're playing a vampire, as the person running it, you have to play sociopathic and psychopathic characters that make the deeds of your players look tame by comparison, since everyone is the bad guy.
    I, by no means, condone the actions of the antagonists in my stories.  I wouldn't call Stephen King a Nazi because of his story Apt Pupil, which is about a kid who discovers his neighbor was a Nazi and then blackmails the man into teaching him how to be evil.  If such things were the case, every fiction author would be just as vile as Hitler, Dhamer and Gacy.  Sometimes, protagonists can be just as bad as the antagonists "for the greater good."  Everything comes down to context, and it's the writer's obligation to make sure the audience understands that, at least in my opinion.
    Profanity and bigots words/phrases are also things I don't shy away from unless the character wouldn't say those things.  I've been swearing since the 5th grade, and despite what parents might want to assume, odds are, your kid swear when adults aren't around.  As for the bigotry, if you have a character, especially an antagonist who is a bigot, they're going to use those words and phrases.  You can't realistically expect a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan to never drop the N-word because he doesn't want to offend black people. 
    You don't need to be gratuitous with anything.  In fact, your story will hold more weight if you use these things sparingly.  The more desensitized your make your audience the less impact the words and your villains will have on them and the story.  If you have a kid that has never said a bad word in the entire story, who has purposeful said things like "heck" and "darn" suddenly cries out, "God fucking damnit!", you've just create a potential compelling (or comical) moment that you would never get from a kid that swore all the time.
    And now, we get to voice.  I've ranted on already about 1st verses 3rd person narration, so I won't do that to you again.  With that said, the narrative choice for me is really spontaneous.  While I'm molding the story, I decide which point of view works best for the story.  Generally, if the story has central character and only their perspective, I'll choose 1st person narration; otherwise, it's always 3rd person, which I find to be the most flexible.  What I recommend you never do is have multiple narrators telling the story, unless you're writing a script that will be acted out.  Narrative shifts can be very jarring for the reader and creates a lot of confusion.
    Verb tense is also very important, and can be very hard for people, especially those who didn't get a good education.  I had very shitty grammar until I went to college and specifically took a grammar and basic writing class.  In fact, I was forced to, because my placement tests were very bad for English.  We never really learned parts of speech in school to the point where it stuck.  There's a reason why the average American sucks when it comes to higher learning.  Our school are historically under funded and teachers are barely able to keep up with what little they have.  There's political stuff to that, as well, but this isn't the blog for that (yet.)
    When writing, I always narrate in past tense (as if everything has already happened), while my dialogue is in present tense (currently happening.)  This is how most stories are written.  I find narration in present or future tense (things that will happen) to be annoying, and I won't read it.  Present tense narration is great for games like Dungeons & Dragons, where you're telling your players what is currently going on, so they can make active choices.  Future tense is just needless for fiction writing, and should be limited even in dialogue (a psychic telling someone's future should use future tense and that's really about it.)  Switching between tense is incredibly difficult, especially for people who didn't or couldn't really grasp it in school.  I still have issues with it at times.
    There's also choosing active verbs (regular verbs) or passive verbs (irregular verbs), which can create issues when it comes to the tense of the story, but that's a whole grammar lesson, that this blog is not set up for, especially since I've rambled on a lot already.  To move on from this point, if you're not sure if you're using the correct verb tense, read it out loud, even to yourself.  If it sound correct to your ear, then go with it.  If it doesn't, change it.  Google (or Bing if you're nasty) the word you're stuck on.  For example:  "What's past tense of run?"  Google will tell you.  Don't like the word you got and want to see if you can find a better match?  Google it.  "What's another word for run?"  Not sure if you're using a word correctly?  "What does run mean?"  It's your dictionary and thesaurus all in one.  I don't recommend ChatGBT yet, since it also makes errors in syntax.  Learning how to use punctuation also helps a lot.
    Editing, as whined about before, is my bane.  I hate it a lot.  You can use your word processor's spell and grammar check, which is great.  I don't use mine though.  Since I'm submitting chapter by chapter, I put each chapter into an email and use the grammar and spell checker that way.  Most spell checkers are great, except they don't work with certain types of dialogue, like dialects, slang and foreign languages.  If I type, "'Sup?" It comes up as incorrect, but it is correct because it's a modern slang contraction of "What is up?"  I don't want to keep having to go over that throughout an entire 200+ page document every single time I write a chapter, so I plug it in an email, which also preserves my edits (provided I remember the bloody, fucking password!)  I do an initial edit, then after a day or two, I'll copy and paste it to this site, where I do a second edit, carefully rereading each line to make sure that is what's supposed to be said or if I want to make other changes, which I often do, which I then make on the email copy to maintain the record.
    It's rare that I do another edit after that.  I don't have the patience for it, nor do I want to risk over editing something.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
    And that's my writing process in a large nutshell.  Just to keep this from being a dissertation, I'll go into details on narration, dialogue and character development  in future posts, and next week, I'll review Chapter 5, which this originally going to cover, as well.  I hope this was insightful and hopefully, helpful.  Everyone has their own takes on writing, as it should be, but I think we can better ourselves as writers by seeing the tools and methods others use, borrow and add those tools that work into our own toolboxes to help us be better at our craft.
    See you in the next one.
    John.
  9. John Henry

    ...Aaaaand We're Back!

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    What a bloody nightmare!
    I don't know where to begin!  How about my stupidity for failing to remember passwords?  No, I think I'll be railing on that for too long, so how about giving credit where credit is due: Cia.  They have been amazing throughout this whole process.  They've been very patient, understanding and helpful in ways have made this transition possible.
    The second I realized that I only had access via my phone, I contacted them with the problem.  Not only did I forget the password to my email, I had failed to set up a backup or any security access to the account.  I know!  That's very stupid, especially for someone who is fully aware that they can't remember passwords.  However, given that my GA account was created comparatively recent, I was certain I knew the password; I didn't, apparently.  So, I wasn't able to change the email accounts because (for good reason) you need to enter your password to change it.  I think you can see where this is going.
    For anyone who has followed me from the beginning, you know I struggled to understand certain policies and procedures that made no sense to me.  Behind the scenes, that struggle became a brief conflict with Cia through emails.  The conflict was brief, and ultimately unnecessary.  The details are not necessary, but I will say that I wasn't the nicest guy for my part in the issue.  With that said, despite said conflict, Cia went above and beyond this week!  A true legend!  They were able to handle my problem--I can't say "with ease," since I have no idea how any of it works--with kindness and professional-grade care.  My new email is now attacked to my old account, so I can get back to submitting chapters and blogs, without having to start all over again, which I was prepared to do.
    I made a promise that I would not spam my thanks to Cia, but if you're reading this and like the story, perhaps sent them (and the rest of the staff) a quick thank you for all their hard work and effort, I'm sure they'd appreciate it.
    As for myself, I just have edit the next chapter of the Thicker Than Water.  The next blog will be the continuation of the series.  To quote Michael Sheen, "We're back, Baby!"...maybe a little less angry.
    See you in the next one.
    John.
  10. John Henry

    Difficulties in Life (Personal Update)

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    I lost almost everything.
    My computer crashed, wiping almost everything to the point, I lost my old email address, which I can't access because I don't remember the password and never established a backup account.
    I feel stupid and it's triggering a lot of emotions. Luckily, I have most things save to external drives, but it's the lack of access to accounts that's a problem, as I am not good at remembering passwords.
    As such, I will be trying to switch accounts on here, but that could take a bit of doing, which means a delay in the story.
    Again, I feel like shit for not having the forethought to have circumvented this. But, I will recover and move on. Hopefully, we can keep this going in the meantime.
    See you in the next one,
    John
  11. John Henry

    Queerbating? (Thicker Than Water Chapters 3 & 4)

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    If we ever met in person, odds are you'd never know I was gay.  I have don't exhibit any of the stereotypical characteristics associated with gay men.  In fact, I have been accused of being a homophobe and queerbating.  Some of these resulted in several arguments.  I just don't present as "gay."  I don't even engage in "gay activities."  I don't watch Drag Race.  I don't care for most musicals.  I don't listen to Lady Ga Ga.  And, most scandalous of all, I want go to most PRIDE events.  The only thing that would qualify me as gay is the fact that I'm sexually attracted to and have had plenty of sex with men.  With that said, I never had the "coming out" issues most people have had.  I mean, when you can't convince your own community that you're one of them, how are you going to convince anyone else?  That's the struggle I faced with Chapter 4.
    I realized, when starting this post, that I missed my opportunity to discuss Kenny and Bryan's conversation about the kiss.  Like myself, Bryan doesn't present as queer.  Aside from coming off as a bit effeminate, neither does Kenny, but as established, Kenny is out to those close to him.  There were a lot of undertones that built to the surface and get called back at the end of Chapter 4.
    Bryan, who has never and to directly face the ridicule of being gay, doesn't see his teasing of Kenny as anything harmful.  His privilege gave him the luxury to not treat Kenny's feelings as important.  Even as Kenny protested and got upset, Bryan remained ignorant.  It clearly wasn't malicious, since Bryan had no real context for what Kenny had gone through.  Bryan's lack of empathy is from lack of direct experience and not from indifference.
    Kenny, however, is where most of the subtext comes from.  I think most people can empathize with Kenny's situation.  A bullied gay kid who feels queerbated by his seemingly straight best friend.  Even when Kenny starts to protest, it seems like Bryan is being mean and hurtful.  Until the first kiss, I made the assumption that Kenny never saw Bryan as anything more than just his friend, but after the kiss, it plagued him with all kinds of thoughts and feelings that were being toyed with by Bryan, which only added to his pain during the conversation.
    The term "queerbating" is one that I have complicated feelings about, especially after the forced outing of Kit Connor.  I have been told by more than one straight friend that, if I were a woman, they'd love to be in a relationship with me, which, to me, feels like that's queerbating.  I've been accused of queerbating when coming out to certain gay associates who refused to take my word for it.  But, it's when queerbating is weaponized to force someone to come out that I take exception.
    In the scene where Kenny accuses Bryan of queerbating him, I had a conflict.  Was Bryan queerbating Kenny by teasing his own sexuality and feelings for Kenny through the expression of the kissing, or was Kenny weaponizing the term to get Bryan to out himself?  Based on the comments section of Chapter 3, I don't think anyone came to this conclusion the way I did.  Neither meant anything malicious, but does that really matter?  Did Bryan really queerbate Kenny?  Did Kenny make the accusation to force Bryan out? 
    I'd have to say yes to both.  Bryan intentionally teased and beat around the bush regarding the kiss, so he wouldn't have to address his feelings, while still getting Kenny worked up about it, and Kenny knew using that term would put Bryan on the spot to either come out or to stop, while forcing him to accept responsibility for his actions.  That moment set everything up for their relationship.  It exposed a lot in Bryan that gets recalled at the end of Chapter 4.
    The beginning of Chapter 4 opens with the family dinner.  Being perceptive, Diego senses the energy between Bryan and Kenny, and decides to teach his son a lesson.  I wanted the banter to continue from the previous chapter, to help show that no matter how serious the topic, they can joke about it in a healthy way.  Diego went for Kenny instead of Bryan, as Bryan would have a thicker skin and would play dumb.  Kenny would give the best, telling reactions.  I also wanted to show that Kenny was treated as a member of the family, which included being pulled into the ribbing and teasing.  Unlike Bryan, Diego can understand Kenny's situation and can empathize, so he knows how far he can push before it just becomes mean spirited.  This was also another opportunity for Steve to integrate himself into the family dynamic.
    I rarely talk up my own writing, but I loved how the dialogue turned out.  The flow was good and realistic.  It reminds me of something my own family would've done, especially my mother, who was definitely an inspiration for Diego's humor.  But, isn't this also queerbating in that Diego teased Bryan into outing himself?  If the previous example was queerbating, why wouldn't this count, as well?  I have a hard time accepting it in this case.  There's definitely strong parallels, but I think the difference is that Diego wasn't trying to force Bryan to come out.  If Bryan had denied it or changed the subject, Diego would've let it go and had a serious, private chat later, like he ended up doing.
    When ultra-thirsty queers turned on Kit Connor forcing him out of the closet, the general public didn't know.  They used the excuse that only queer actors should play queer characters, and that Kit was queerbating his fans through some of his social media posts.  I think that the majority of those accusing Kit of queerbating were trying to out him.  They were weaponizing the term to maliciously validate their own suspicions and fantasies.  It might have been a little different if Kit had stated he was straight or came off as homophobic prior to being cast on Heartstopper, but since that wasn't the case, it was toxic queer culture at its worse.
    It's on that level that I don't think Diego was queerbating.  Yes, he was teasing, but it was clearly playful and was about Bryan gaslighting him earlier on the way home and not about his son's sexuality or physical acts with Kenny.  That seems like a very round about way of putting it, but that's also 1am while I'm writing this.
    Bryan's reaction to the whole conversation was inspired by David Rose (Schitt's Creek) and the snarky tone he'd get when teased by Patrick.  I love that kind of banter and felt that it was appropriate for Bryan in that moment to save face.
    Everything that happened after dinner was to reinforce a lot of the dynamics that were covered.  Steve wanting to help clean, but Bryan pushing him away.  Bryan's conflicts with his life with Calvin and the happy memories he gained after being adopted.  Diego trusting Bryan enough to give him a smart phone.  It was also a time to remind the readers that Bryan was feeling unsure and insecure about his feelings for Kenny, given his attachment and abandonment issues created by Calvin and Donna.
    Being a teenager and with everything going on, I felt it was appropriate for him to have all these internal conflicts and uncertainties.  I also didn't want to keep rehashing them a lot, so I wanted this to be a summation before moving on to bigger issues and events.  In that regard, I don't think I did a good job, which I'll get into later on.  Bryan's self-reflections have given him a lot of insight, but he still hasn't figured out how to use it to make his situations better.  I know I suffer from that a lot, and I think that adds to the realism of the story and Bryan as a character.  He's deeply flawed, is aware of it, but doesn't know how to fix it.
    See you in the next one,
    John.
  12. John Henry
    Comedy is the hardest literary form to write.  Humor is extremely subjective and can very subtle and nuanced to the point where the joke is missed.  Humor can also be offensive to some while enjoyed by others.  There are many times of comedy from puns (the lowest form of humor, in my opinion) to dark humor (the kind that's so shocking and offensive, you don't know if the person is laughing because they genuinely find it funny, or they're just extremely uncomfortable and don't know what else to do.)
    When I started writing Bryan and the rest of the Padilla family, I wanted to have their dynamic be authentic.  In a lot of writing, especially by amateur writers, dialogue is stilted, stiff and unrealistic.  They avoid contractions, use "big words" when simple words would work instead, refuse to use slang or profanity, use outdated terms and phrases for younger characters, lack proper emotion of the scene, and the flow is not natural or conversational.  This can create a disconnect in the audience and remove the escapism and emersion that reading provides.
    Comedy requires timing and proper phrasing.  For example, if your loved one has just passed away, the last thing you want is for the doctor who delivered the news to tell you a "knock knock" joke.  However, as a counterpoint, an accidently made joke at someone's funeral can have comedic value, so long as everyone gets the joke.  It's this thin line and balancing act that makes for good and bad comedy.
    Humor can also be used as a defensive mechanism, especially sarcasm.  A lot sarcastic people use humor to deflect things that may actually hurt them.  Alex Borstein, who plays Lois Griffin on Family Guy, said in an interview that, while in school, she used to make fun of her own weight as a means to survive bullying (I'm clearly paraphrasing, but you can find the Actor's Studio interview on YouTube).  She would make sarcastic remarks about her weight to deflect the hate she otherwise would've been given.  Remember that political correctness and other such social movements were not around when Alex was in school and such bullying would've been allowed or ignored, with the rare encouragement by teachers.
    Bryan in this chapter uses humor to deflect.  It's a shield he uses to keep things from really hurting him and to justify his actions.  He had just attacked Dan Thomas and was making jokes about it.  Diego seems to be playing along, but I think, if you pay close attention to what Diego is saying, he knows what Bryan is really doing and why.  I won't go into detail about that, as it may be a plot point later on in the story.
    With that said, I wanted Bryan's humor to also add in the relationship he has with Diego.  To touch back in the opening of this post, realistic dialogue includes banter.  The Padilla family likes to playfully tease each other, which is very normal in most families, so it's expected that Diego and his sons do the same with each other.  Given the seriousness of the previous chapter, I needed to create a break from that, so having Bryan's defense mechanism be the catalyst for the banter with his father seemed natural, which is what you want in dialogue.
    Bryan's particular brand of humor comes from two sources:  The American TV series Boston Legal and writer/director Kevin Smith.  Kevin Smith, who created such cult comedy films as Clerks, Mallrats and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, uses self-deprecating humor as defense mechanism.  Sarcasm is usually directed outward, while self-deprecation is directed inward, but has the same affect.  Alex Borstein's comments about her weight are very self-deprecating.  Kevin is also rather hard on himself in interviews, his stage shows and podcasts as part of his humor.
    Boston Legal, which stars James Spader and William Shatner, is a legal dramody (drama/comedy).  It is loaded with sarcasm, inappropriate behavior, and things that wouldn't work today in the current woke climate; however, the fact it's so outrageous allows the comedy to work.  My favorite aspect of humor from that show is the meta humor.  Meta is an acknowledgment of the real word in fiction.  Deadpool is a good example, with Wade Wilson talking to the audience (also called a fourth wall break). 
    In Boston Legal, fourth wall breaking was extremely rare.  Instead, they made self-referential jokes cleverly disguised in the dialogue.  One of their more common jokes involved making fun of their time slot changes.  In one scene, a former lawyer of the firm runs into James Spader's character and mentions that he's been very hard to get a hold of, and he quips that they (the show) had moved from this time slot to another then to another, which makes communicating difficult.  In another, a meeting was supposed to be held but was rescheduled to another day and time, so they went over all the time slot changes for the show proving how complicated it was, while blaming and naming the real show runner as the reason for the mix up.
    I have loved that type of humor so much, that I wanted to try it hear.  Bryan begins to make references to me as the writer and the story itself but from a semi-aware state of being.  It can be seen as a world view not too far from religion.  Instead of a deity, Bryan sees that his life is just some crappy fictional story someone else is writing.  It allows me to add self-deprecating humor about my own writing insecurities, while having that marginally disconnected meta humor I love and miss about Boston Legal.  Everyone plays along with Bryan's meta humor, and quickly moves on.
    I admit that I haven't kept it up in recent chapters, because with all jokes, there's a point of overkill.  You can beat a joke into the ground where it isn't funny anymore.  Another thing I loved about Boston Legal (and I promise to stop talking about it at some point soon), is how sparsely they used meta humor.  The joke came in, it was said, and they moved on.  You might only get one or two references a season and that was it, which made them even better.
    Back to Chapter 3.  As much as Diego and Bryan flick each other shit on the way home, Diego still asserts himself as the parental figure.  He's not screaming or furious, unlike what most parents would be, but he remains level headed and firm in his position.  Diego is the voice of reason in all of this acting as a counter to Bryan's sarcasm and unreasonable view point.  It's through the dialogue that we get this.  There was little need for narration, since the flow of the dialogue was carrying the scene.
    I think their are two major ways to improve your dialogue skills:  Reading your dialogue out load, and people watching.  A writer should always read their dialogue out load.  If it doesn't sound right to your ear, change it till it does.  If you can, have someone else read it out loud to you.  Again, if it doesn't sound right, change it till it does. 
    The other method is to go to a semi-crowded place and eaves drops.  Listen to how other people talk, taking in not just what they say but how they say it.  When to they emphasize certain words?  How do they use sarcasm if at all?  How often do they use contractions?  When don't they use contractions?  What slang is being used by which age group?  How casually do they use profanity and in what context?  Bring a piece of paper and write some phrases down, log words you don't know to be looked up later, make notes on how you can expand the conversation realistically.
    Moving on in the chapter, we also get to see the relationship between Bryan and Caleb.  Having brothers, I get their relationship isn't realistic, but I didn't want it to be.  It's very idealistic, very much like the boys' relationship with Diego.  It seemed out of place for Bryan and Caleb to have a healthy, grounded relationship with Diego, while being at each other's throats.  Chaos begets chaos, and Diego mitigates chaos as much as he can without being overbearing or controlling.  He provides structure without micromanaging.  This has allowed Bryan and Caleb to develop the relationship they have, I think.
    And now the kiss.  I didn't intend for Bryan to be pansexual.  In fact, I spent a while debating if I should make him asexual and aromantic; however, as with most of my writing, the story told itself.  It seemed right as the scene progressed that Bryan might consider himself pan.  I think most queer parents would have to teach their children early on that not every family as one mommy and one daddy.  Diego isn't in the closet nor did I want him to be, even after adopting the boys.  It only made sense that he would've explained sexuality to his sons at an appropriate age, providing more information as they got older.  Thus, there is no reason in my mind why Bryan wouldn't know what pansexuality is by 14-years-old.  Kenny and Terra were already slated to be in another story I want to write after this, so this seemed to be a good place to start their stories and experiences.
    We also get a glimpse into Bryan's insecurities, especially surrounding his abandonment issues.  Gone is the humor from the beginning and middle of the story.  He is being intimate and honest with his best friend, and humor would've been very misplaced here.  Comedy is a vehicle for deeper plot points and not the driving force of the story itself.  At some point, the laughs and chuckles need to stop, so we can get to healing the pain behind it.
    See you in the next one,
    John.
  13. John Henry
    I'm currently running into the problem I knew I'd have writing this blog:  Rambling.  I've already taken four swings at this only to delete it after I've caught myself going off topic on many tangents.  Granted, they provided a lot of insight and exposition into the story, but it's just too much and not necessarily needed.  So, allow me to digress, again.
    This is not the first story I've ever written.  I think that's pretty clear.  I also think everyone knows (or can find out) that this is my first story published on Gay Authors.  What may not be known is how frustrated I was with this site.  I had a load of questions that I couldn't find answers to, and I found the approval system annoying at best.  I still have issues but nothing like I originally did.
    Posting Chapter 1 was a nightmare for me.  I made multiple attempts to get it posted, then had to edit (a nightmare) because the system itself added line spaces I didn't (and it still does), having to wait between publishing dates is annoying, etc.  I think I tried about six times, before I said, "Fuck it.  If they want it removed, they can do it themselves."
    And that's why there's no Prelude to this story.  Chapter 1 was supposed to be the prelude.  I finally found someone who could help me, and got it all sorted.  Then, I discovered that there was a cap on how long a Prelude could be.  I literally spent several hours figuring shit out, having to copy and paste line by line to get the formatting right, only to be told the Prelude was too long.  It didn't tell me by how much, though.
    I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I hate editing.  I don't mind doing some grammar and spell corrections (okay, I do hate it, but I'm kind of, maybe, close to potentially getting near to thinking of getting over it.)  What I hate about editing is trying to figure out what needs to be cut.  I once submitted a short story to be published and was told it had to be no more than 5,000 words, including the title.  Great, I thought.  5,000 words is nothing.  I often wrote 10 page essays and reports in college for the fun of it.  Writing is my jam!  It took me 14 edits to get it down to 5,000 words...10 of those was because of a single word.  Every edit didn't sound right, even the last one, but I wasn't going to do a 15th edit.  After I submitted my story, I found out that the word count wasn't as set in stone as they told me originally.  Needless to say, I was beyond livid.
    Anyway, when I saw that Gay Authors wasn't going to publish my submission with editing the Prelude, I once again said, "Fuck it!"  The Prelude became Chapter 1, and all subsequent chapters got bumped down a number.
    The very original concept of this story centered around the character who would become Bryan.  At the time, Bryan was a mouthy 10-year-old, with a special needs younger brother (who would become Caleb).  Calvin was as we met him in Chapter 1, but a bigger waste of space.  After losing his job and tired of living his car with two boys, Calvin goes to the home of his former lover and friend, Diego, who is a neurotic, bitter drag queen, who loves the kids but detests Calvin.  Calvin eventually toys with Diego's feelings by insinuating that there could be more between them, while finding a girlfriend on the side.  Things come to a head when Calvin and his girlfriend go to a bar where, unknown to Calvin, Diego is performing, but as himself with a 90s cover band.  Diego sees the pair and becomes livid.  The girlfriend is oblivious to the whole affair, since Calvin has been lying and keeping her in the dark.  Diego goes into a very grungy, Nirvana-meets-Nine-Inch-Nails version of "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette, while staring daggers are a very uncomfortable Calvin, who leaves with the girl, packs the kids and leaves Diego alone, once more.
    My problem from the very inception of this tale is that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make Calvin a sympathetic character.  Oh, and I've tried.  What you just read was the third attempt at telling this story.  In fact, I even told the real Calvin about it, and he was okay with it until the whole "You Oughta Know" part.  He had never heard the song before, so I played it for him.  Sure, I could've chose another song; in fact, I had several in mind ("Storms" or "Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac, any number of Adele songs, or "I Fucking Hate You" by Godsmack.)  Ultimately, I stopped writing until the day the real Calvin severed our tenuous friendship for good.  I told him that I was going to write about what happened, and he said, "Okay."
    As touched on in the previous entry, the events of Chapter 1 were very loosely based on real events.  It's also very, very close to what I wrote for the 3rd attempt.  The real Calvin's kids are very young, as they are in Chapter 1.  As in tuned as I am with my own memories of childhood, I felt that I couldn't continue the story as I saw it from only Diego's perspective.  I wanted to tell the story of how Calvin's actions and behaviors effected the kids, and the best way to do that was by having them old enough to tell their own story.  In order to do that, I time jump was needed.
    Preludes are great when you're doing a time jump, because the readers already know that the prelude is just exposition to help understand the rest of the story; however, when word count and the agonies of editing prevent a prelude from being published, a time jump can be very jarring, especially when you're dealing with multiple time jumps.  In Chapter 1, there's a six month loss of time.  I considered dedicating a few chapters to that, but it felt unnecessary, since I could make it into the Prelude.  Well, not to beat a dead horse, but yeah....
    I've had a few people bring it up, which is why I'm discussing it here.  I still remember junior and high school, so I wanted Bryan to be at that age.  I shifted the age differences between Bryan and Caleb, so they'd be on their last year at their current schools, without being at the same school.  The advantage to having Bryan at 14-years-old is it gives him both awareness of adulthood and naivete childhood.
    Diego also became "straight acting" and cis.  I don't care for stereotypes if I can void them, and when I came up with the original incarnation of Diego, I was trying to write a comedy with a lot of camp.  When things shifted to drama, I didn't feel that camp was the best approach, as it would've fed into negative stereotypes, which I felt would've been a disservice to the stories and characters.
    I'm also a fan of the show Boston Legal.  Their use of self-referential, meta humor always brought a smile to my face.  I still wanted comedy, but I knew I couldn't have it be central to the story but as a tension breaker.  Deadpool is great for fourth-wall breaking, but that wasn't something I wanted for this story.  Fourth-wall humor is best when done visually, when the narrator can look at the audience, and I don't feel it translates when in a 3rd person narrative.  However, the humor Boston Legal utilized (like making reference to time slot chances, not getting renewed for a new season, and cast changes) was perfect for this.  Bryan is the one who makes the references because of his cheeky world view that he's just living in some crap, internet novel.  How aware he really is is entirely up to the reader.
    I wanted Diego to be the father we all wished we had.  Despite not having to take responsibility for the boys, he did it anyway.  My choice in Diego being Latin-X came by happen stance.  I didn't settle on the name or description for Diego until I wrote Chapter 1, and even then, I wasn't sure.  I'm white and know very little about Hispanic culture aside from the friends I have.  What settled it was Diego's voice.  When I write, most of the time, an actor or actress will come to mind.  In Diego's case, his voice is that of actor Christian Navarro, who played Tony Padilla on the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why.  His face, physicality and demeanor just fit, so I gave Diego Tony's surname and it all just fit.  Nobody else has a famous voice or inspiration, though.
    I wanted Diego to be in a relationship.  I considered having him married, but chose against it.  I wanted to show a contrast between Diego and Calvin, in which Diego is also a single father, but he's successful and never abandoned the kids, unlike Calvin.  In the United States, the "lazy Mexican" is a disgusting, undeserved stereotype, so to have Diego be a business owner, gay man, single father to two white kids, and still able to do it all on his own was representation that I felt was needed.
    Steve, as I mentioned in the comments of Chapter 2, is a character from another story I've written.  He wasn't utilized much, so I brought him in.  I decided, as I was writing this story, that I would create a shared universe among several other stories.  You don't need to read those other stories, as they're just hinted at, and several are too dark to publish here.
    Donna...she's based off of the real Calvin's ex-wife, whom I do not like, irl.  In real life, she's a drug addict, homeless and lived with the kids in a tent and which ever new boyfriend was supplying her habits. She lost the kids after self harming in front of them while high (according to the real Calvin, at any rate).  To this day, she's still alive (to my knowledge) and doesn't have any contact with the kids, mostly due to the real Calvin cutting off contact despite court orders.  I chose to kill the fictional Donna off because I didn't want to deal with too many antagonists in this story.  I've made that mistake before, and it can just dilute a plot.
    Bryan's disconnect comes from attachment issues.  Depending on how far you are in the story, you'll know it's a big motivator when it comes to his relationships.  He remembers being put in foster care and Calvin abandoning him with Diego, so his apathy towards Donna's death isn't healthy but understandable.  It's also based on my own apathy towards the death of my father, who was also an abuse drug addict.  After he died, I was only able to mourn the loss of my ability to mourn his death, and that's kind of where Bryan's at with Donna.
    School and bullying seem to, sadly, go hand in hand.  I remember bullies, being bullied and I'll admit bullying others for a short time.  This was pre-mass shootings, so the worst you could expect was getting stabbed.  Not much of a consolation, but that's the nature of the Trolley Problem.  Stories need antagonists and conflict to truly progress and be worth reading.  I chose the Dan because it was easy.  He's very much like my brother, including the homophobia.  I wanted to show Bryan's dynamic when Diego wasn't around, while establishing his relationships with Terra and Kenny.
    Being an opening chapter, everything is all about setting up.  Yes, a lot of it wasn't needed or could've been spread out by more talented writers, but I also don't feel this story needs to be 1,000 pages.  As I mentioned in the comments of the previous entry:  Why say in four sentences what you can say in two?  The conflict with Dan served it's purpose.  It established that Bryan isn't afraid of direct conflict and his dynamic with his friends.  This can become impactful later on should something rock his world causing his reactions to change (this is or isn't foreshadowing; your choice.)
    As for Dan's mother, she's the typical, privileged, white, suburban, racist mother I knew growing up.  They're called Karens now.  Bigotry is also a learned behavior, so I didn't want his mother trying to be woke, while raising an asshole.  He learned it somewhere, and most bigots learn it at home.
    Mr. Deacon is based on the first vice principle I had.  Everyone loved him and he treated everyone with respect.  I added that he was also tired of all the bullshit, as most teachers and administrators are.
    I still feel like I added a lot to this chapter without actually saying a lot.  I've read it several times, and I feel like I could've spread it out to at least two chapters.  I also think in order for me to do that, I would've had to do somethings I don't like in writing, such as espousing endlessly about what's eating at the characters or discussing more backstory that could either be done later or just not needed at all.  Luckily, this chapter was well received and allowed me to just move on to the story with little, unnecessary call backs.
    See you in the next one,
    John.
  14. John Henry

    Welcome to My Blog about Thicker Than Water

    By John Henry,


    John Henry's Blogs
    This is always an awkward situation, never knowing how to start a conversation that may very well be just to yourself that others may end up reading.  To start, I guess, I hate first person narratives.  You can tell a good writer from a bad writer based on how they use this perspective.  A good writer using first person will give some insight into the mind of the lead character, such as suspicions, theories and point of view, which is used to drive the plot.  A bad writer will focus more on the characters thoughts and feeling, going to into so much detail that it comes off as whining, pandering and self-indulgent.  Most first person narrative I've read fall into the latter category, especially the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers.  Bella is a brooding, angsty teen...cool.  This doesn't make for a very interesting character or story, in my opinion.
    My fear with this blog is that it will come off as a bad narrative.  I'm already annoyed by it as being self-indulgent as it is, but it will happen, as this story, Thicker Than Water, is a very personal story that involves some very personal issues.  For those who have read the comment sections of the first 16 chapters will know, this is a story that is very loosely based on real people and actual events that have happened.  This blog is intended to explore this deeper and expand on the comments made, while answering questions about my writing of the story, from inspirations, to the writing process itself, to what little editing I actually do.
    I think a blog written in third person is a horrible idea, so I'm stuck writing in first person.  This leaves me with how to write it.  I could be super formal or very laid back.  I like narratives that are more conversational.  I want to be talked to and not talked at, and I assume everyone else does, too.  The reason why Shakespeare is still around hundreds of years later is because he used the language of the people and not the aristocracy.  Yes, all of Shakespeare's plays are written in the common language of the time, including slang, since his works were for the common viewer and not those in the courts of Queen Elizabeth I or King James.  I'm not Shakespeare by any stretch of the imagination.  My point being that I want to keep things grounded and not be high brow with my narrative, which can be very tempting.
    So, why should I start a blog when I've been using the comments section already?  Well, I've been using the comments section to just respond to comments, which helps with growing the audience, gaining those writing points so I don't need approval to post sooner, and to help tease things to come.  I have expanded on the topics listed in the chapters from the comments made, but I've also kept things close to the chest.  I personally don't care about hearing spoilers, but I also don't want to spoil something I'm writing for others; plus, if I reveal too much, I might lose interest in the project itself.  Most writers have a superstition when it comes to letting people read something that isn't finished, which will result in inspiration or the idea just disappearing, and I'm very susceptible to that.  This format of releasing a chapter at a time is relatively new to me, and so far, it's working well.
    How often will I be blogging?  Maybe once a week, give or take?  I want to have something to say when I do this, but I also don't want to set deadlines.  I have enough of those as it is, and I want this to be something I want to do but not have to do.  I will be going through each chapter, combing the comments section and writing a blog going over ideas I had when writing the story and expanding on some of the questions, so long as it doesn't lead to spoilers.  I will welcome topic ideas and answer questions on what has been written so far, but I most likely won't answer anything that is to come.
    With that said, I think this is a good place to stop.  I hate writing endings as much as I hate writing openings.  I feel like some kind of tagline or inspirational catch phrase is required, but my brain battles that sort of thing, again, as being self-indulgent.  If you've gotten this far, thank you.  I will try to improve as each blog post is made.
    See you in the next one,
    John.
  15. John Henry
    Titles.  They're the worst.  I'm not good with names or titles.  Often, I'll come up with the a place holder and write a few pages to get a feel for the story before settling on something to call the story.  I'm never satisfied with my titles, either.  When I was a kid, I'd name my stories after song titles, even if the song had nothing to do with what I was writing.  I found it easier than trying to think of something catchy.  Titles should grab your reader's attention, while giving some kind of hint at the theme(s) of your story.  My problem, basically, comes down to me never really knowing what my stories are about until it's too late.
    To help make sure this post doesn't ramble too much (which it probably will), I should explain my writing process, so lets start with inspiration.  I have no idea where most of my stories come from.  I know that doesn't help, but that's just how it is.  Inspiration can come from anywhere:  a song lyric, a scent, a memory, a funny thing a friend says, etc.  I spend a lot of time thinking, and sometimes, those thoughts will produce little bites or snippets that I largely dismiss; however, on occasion, they'll produce something thought provoking, something that makes my ADHD brain think, "Now, that could be something interesting."
    Often, it's a line of dialogue that gets my attention.  I'm constantly running conversations in my head as means to process things in my life.  These can range from a joke a want to tell a friend or something I wish I had said during an argument.  I will take that bit of dialogue and expand upon it, going over what I would say and how I would say it, followed by the other person's reaction(s) and response(s), and I'll repeat this process until I can think of a plot in which I could set this story.  Once I have that, I'll hold onto it until I can either start writing the story or can make a note of it, usually on a notepad app on my phone.  Sometimes, like with this story, the inspiration is based (even loosely) on real events.
    I was abused as a child by my father.  I won't go into details, since they're not necessarily relevant to this blog or story, but I will say that I spent a lot of time in silence, telling stories to myself, coming up with worlds where my father didn't exist, while being anything I wanted.  I started writing these stories down as a means to process the trauma I was experiencing while having an emotional outlet.  I learned to change people and events to code what I was going through, so I wouldn't get in trouble.  As I got older, I continued doing this, but I would process other things, like guilt after lashing out at a friend or a means to deal with big feelings after being hurt by other people.
    Thicker Than Water is one of those stories.  I was in an abusive friendship with someone who knew how to manipulate my emotions, while also occasionally sexually assaulting me.  As a survivor of childhood abuse, I fell prey to this person's words and lies.  At one point, things ended between us, then about a year later, he used his kids to worm his way back into my life, cultivated an attachment between myself and his kids, then once he got what he wanted, he tore that relationship apart, and I haven't seen the kids since.  Needless to say, I'm still gutted by that and need to process things, hence this story.
    I told him that I was going to write a story based on what he did, but I never told him I was going to publish it.  Some people might be concerned with being sued for liable or slander, but I'm not.  If he ever tried, I would be free to write the real details, which are so much worse than what I'm presenting here in this story, and have plenty of evidence to substantiate.  There's enough of reality in the story to help me remember facts and keep things consistent, but not enough for him to try anything legally.
    With that said, Chapter 1 was difficult to get started.  I knew how I wanted to the story to start, which is rare feat, but I didn't know what to do with it.  Originally, the story was going to focus on the characters of Calvin, Bryan, Caleb and Diego, with the boys being very small kids, having Bryan be in second grade.  It was very close to the US version of the show Shameless.  After writing a page or two, I deleted it.  Diego was a vapid queen who was more of a caricature of a typical gay man, while trying to make Calvin come off as a sympathetic loser.  I wasn't thrilled with either of those in the slightest, as I hate stereotypes and was too pissed at the real Calvin to want to make him sympathetic.  I wanted people to know how I felt and why, and there was no way I could ever really redeem Calvin after everything he put me through.
    I took the opening of the first draft and retooled it, except I made Diego more like myself and how I would react to seeing Calvin.  This scene is a mix of real events that put Calvin and his kids into my life.  Diego uses the language I would and did use.  His anger is on the same level as my own, and Calvin's reactions are very much on par with his real life counterpart.  The circumstances surrounding how Calvin in the story got the boys is pretty much the same as how the real Calvin got his kids.  The half-truths, lies, and concealing of information is exactly how the real Calvin operates, so it was easy to come up with what he'd say.  And, how Diego drags the information out of Calvin is something I had to do to the real Calvin.  The hardest part was having Diego take Calvin back and use the boys as a means to do it.  That did happen in real life, which is why it was difficult, but hindsight creates too much pain.
    The ending of the chapter is loosely based on real life.  The real Calvin didn't abandon the kids in my care, but he did abandon them with their mother a year before gaining custody.  He had met a woman in Alaska and decided to be with her instead of his kids.  He told he exactly what he said to his ex-wife just before he left, "Fuck you, fuck the kids.  I don't want to have anything to do with you or them.  When they turn 18, I'll find them and tell them the truth."  Some dad, huh?  So, in the story, I didn't find it "convenient," "unrealistic" or a "deus ex machina" to have Calvin abandon the boys with Diego to move across the continent for a woman, as the that's exactly what the real Calvin did.
    The reception of this chapter was welcomed with those who commented seeing what I wanted Calvin to be conveyed as.  Sometimes I don't think I do a good job with the narration, and wonder if I'm getting my point across.  I hate editing, and do it as little as possible.  I have no doubt there are errors and things I would fixate on given the change, but I just move on and hope for the best.
    By this point in the writing process, I already had chapters 2 and 3 figured out, which will be discussed in detail in future posts.  For the most part, I don't write out my plots and rarely take notes, even when I should.  I let the story tell itself, and I just dictate through typing, with little editorial licensing.  I don't ever seem them as my stories, but as someone else's that I have to write down for them.  You could call it automatic writing or channeling, but I prefer to see it as transcribing events that are being told to me by the characters.
    This was a scary chapter to write.  I honestly wasn't sure I was going to do it, and was even less sure that I was going to publish it.  Normally, I don't let other people read my personal stories, but I'm glad I did with this one.
    See you in the next one,
    John.
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