I Wish - 1. I Wish

I have never told my story to anyone.

Maybe now is the time to let it out.

I wish someone would listen.

I met him at a Halloween party. This silly, gay-lesbian, costume party my friend Chloe always used to throw each year. We all knew her real goal was to spend a night with her girlfriend without raising her parent’s suspicions, but we came anyway. It was harmless fun. A friend brought a friend, and the party grew to quite large proportions, but as the night died out, only seven of us were left.

His name was Brad. It turned out Chloe knew him from her support group, though he no longer needed support. He was now one of the guys running it. I still remember the way he hypnotized me the first time I laid eyes upon him. His soft blond hair resting on his smooth beautiful cheeks. I wish I could feel it now.

He was sitting on the couch next to me now, and joined the debate on who has an easier life – gays or lesbians. All through it I could feel his shoulder rubbing against mine. I couldn’t get what was so special about him. What was it about him that drew me in like no other man could? But there was something. Something unseen to the naked eye, something that pulled me in so deep I didn’t know how I would escape.

The pizza arrived a few minutes later, and all those of us that still wore their Halloween masks took them off to eat. I only ate one slice. I wasn’t really hungry. After finishing the pizza, we went to Chloe’s fully equipped home theater. Some people are just so stinkin’ rich. It was this huge room with a giant screen and the biggest, best sound system money could buy.

Have you ever talked to someone just by looking at him? When we went in, I couldn’t help but stare into his eyes. His were the color of honey, like his hair. I wish I could stare at them now.

He stared back at me, and I could sense something in his gaze. It appeared he sensed the same thing in me. I never had such an experience. We would have kept at it, but one of my friends told me to sit on one of the fancy leather sofas that lined the room. Brad sat next to me without saying a word.

I can’t even remember what the movie was about. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t stop thinking about him! Even his smell drove me mad. I know today my feelings back then were not one sided.

In the middle of the movie I experienced one of the best things I ever felt in my life. When you see someone you desire, what is it that comes into your mind? Sex? Not with me. I’m not saying sex isn’t awesome, but to me, the most important thing is the warmth and love I get from a man. The hugs, the soft kisses. Knowing he is there for you, thinking about you. During the movie, I didn’t ponder how it would be to tear his cloth off. I pondered how it would be to gently stroke his hand.

And then it happened. To some of you it might sound meaningless, but to me – it was everything. In the middle of the movie, he turned to stare at me with his sweet, honey eyes, and put his hand atop of mine. It’s amazing how much can be said by one small gesture, without using any words.

After the movie, everybody retired to one of the guest bedrooms in the huge mansion. We both went to mine.

We talked all night. I will never forget it. Things just seemed to flow perfectly. Not one awkward pause found its way to out conversation. It was like god sent me my own personal angel.

At one point, I remember stroking his hair, telling him how soft it was. He took my hand then and told me again how he loved my touch. I never felt so important, so loved. I cannot describe it to you. I only hope you have felt it yourself at some point, and if not, will feel it the someday.

We talked ‘till our eyes would not stay open, and then we talked some more with our eyes closed. We feel asleep eventually, his head on my chest. I didn’t think it could get better than that. I wish I could feel that way now…

The next day, he told me he was going abroad with his aunt, but would be back in a week. We made a date to meet then at my house. I didn’t know what to think, how to feel. I didn’t think I could let him go for a whole week. What if he’ll feel differently when he comes back? I mean, how could the day before possibly be topped? It couldn’t… right? I didn’t think I would get that “warmth” again. I thank God everyday for giving me one of his angels to hold me when I’m cold.

He did come back a week later. I could not stop thinking about him. All week I was terrified it was not going to work out, that we would not fit together anymore, that he wouldn’t want me anymore. I wasn’t usually so insecure, but something about him just released some hidden things inside me I didn’t know existed.

It was evening, I still remember. I heard him come in the front door. I was in my room, trying to calm myself down. My hands were shaking, my legs were shaking. I couldn’t think. Pathetic? No? I don’t know. But I don’t want to conceal any facts from you. I’ll let you decide if it was pathetic, or just love.

He knocked on my bedroom door, and I leaped to my feet. I opened it, and there he was, with his soft, beautiful hair, his amazing face and those eyes you just wanna jump and swim in. He shut the door behind him, and without saying a word, he brought me into the tightest of hugs, and I didn’t want to ever let him go. I wish I could hug him now…We stayed that way for a few minutes. He told me how much he missed me, thought about me, dreamed about me. I felt my heart come to life with the most wonderful tickle.

That night he told me loved me. That night he told me he never felt this way towards anyone before. That night he held me in his arms and kissed me softly. That night he told me he was HIV positive.

Did you see that coming? I sure didn’t. Aids? Someone I know is HIV positive?

Brad?! This couldn’t be happening. It was just too surreal. But it did happen.

We talked about it all night. He was not the kind of guy that slept around a lot, but as you know, it only takes once. His parents threw him out of the house, and had disowned him. The only person in his family willing to take care of him was his aunt, who took him in.

You tell me – could these people even be called parents?! If any of you are in a similar experience, I would like to stop here to tell you how sorry I am. I know how sorry I was for him. But I also know how much my love for him grew then. If you are in that same dark place, never give up. Never quit trying to find the people who’ll love you and accept you just the way you are.

We slept in each other’s arms all night. He cried a lot, but I didn’t mind getting my shirt wet. Not with his tears. I told him I would never leave him, that nothing would ever drive me away. Nothing. I didn’t think I needed to stay away from him because he was a carrier. On the contrary, I felt I could give him more of myself, now that I knew how much he needed it.

It’s those that are less fortunate than we are that need our love and support the most, yet it is those that we usually disregard and leave behind us. Those who do not fit the ‘norm’.

Even gays, who themselves do not fit the ‘norms’ of society, tend to expel from their ranks anyone who does not fit their ideas of wealth, health or beauty. This is the way of most humans. Group the equals and throw away the different.

I decided that from this moment on, I would not be leaving his side. I decided I will stick by him for all eternity. I wish I was with him now…

A year later we both finished high school. We rented ourselves a small apartment with the help of my parents. All through our relationship, I felt bad about letting him see the good connection I had with my parents, after his threw him -- their only son -- out of the house, sick, like food that had gone bad. I was so mad at them. I told him to forget about them, but I knew he never will. How could he? Parents are parents, even those who do not deserve the title.

Living together was amazing. We never got bored with one another, and we tried to spend every free moment together. Talking to each other. Hugging each other. Kissing each other. Loving each other. I wish we could do that today…

Have you ever felt like you could not possibly live without someone? I’m talking about people besides your family. (This was another topic I was reluctant to discuss with him – it seemed his parents lived just fine without him. Selfish jerks!) This is how I felt with him. I wish each and every one of you will get to experience that feeling. I don’t think I’ll ever get it again, not in this life time. Not until God will send me back my angel.

I think that at some point we simply became one. We were so in tuned with each other’s feelings and desires. And then things stop being so good.

I still talk to him every night, with my angel. I know he can hear me, and you know what? Sometimes I think I can hear him too. This kind of love cannot simply go away.

His parents came to the funeral. What hypocrites! But I didn’t want to make a scene. This was my time to say goodbye. I stayed there long after everybody else left. I stayed and cried. Cried over the angel God sent me and then decided he wanted back.

Today I cry no more.

Today I like to think he is happy, and that makes me happy.

And still… I wish he was here with me.

I wish I could talk to him and tell him everything is going to be all right.

I wish I could hug him and never let him go.

I wish I could stroke his beautiful hair just one more time.

I wish….