Scars of the Soul - 1. Scars of the Soul

“I really thought I could do this,” Alex whispered to himself as he studied his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His knuckles were turning white from his grip on the bathroom sink as he contemplated ways to get out of his date with Jesse.

“C’mon Alex, Jesse will be here soon,” his roommate and best friend Brent called through the closed bathroom door.

Alex released his death grip on the sink and taking a deep breath opened the door. His blue gaze collided with Brent’s surprised green ones. He shrugged his shoulders as Brent’s gaze roamed over his bare chest until it reached the towel knotted around his waist.

“Why aren’t you ready to go?” Brent asked in confusion as he leaned against the doorframe.

“I can’t do this,” Alex told him, eyes downcast.

“Sure ya can,” Brent answered with a smile as they heard a fist rapping against the door to their apartment. “You go get dressed and I’ll keep Jesse occupied until you’re ready.”

“No, you don’t get it. I can’t do it,” Alex reiterated. “Please, just get rid of him,” Alex pleaded.

“How do you suggest I do that?” Brent asked as another, more insistent knock sounded against the door.

“Never mind,” Alex told him quietly. “Do me a favor and let him in, then send him back to my room.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t do it,” Brent protested even as he turned and headed for the door to do as Alex had asked.

“I won’t have to,” Alex whispered as he tried to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He listened to the sound of footsteps echoing down the hall and watched as the door knob began to turn.

“You about ready?” Jesse’s voice seemed loud in the otherwise quiet room.

Alex forced himself to turn until he faced his date. He saw the smile that began to form on Jesse’s face as his shaking hands unknotted the towel and allowed it to fall to the floor. He watched a myriad of emotions cross Jesse’s face and knew the moment that Jesse focused on his groin. The smile that had been present changed rapidly to a look of horror and revulsion. Alex fought back the tears as Jessed clamped his hand over his mouth and fled from the room. Moments later he flinched as the sound of the door slamming reached his ears.

“What the hell just happened?”

Brent’s voice from the doorway managed to break through the spell that held Alex in its grip. He quickly reached for the discarded towel and wrapped it back around his waist, but not before Brent saw the puckered angry scars that covered his groin and upper thighs.

“Alex? What happened to you?” Brent asked gently as he stepped through the doorway and into his friend’s lair.

Alex turned his back as he reached for a pair of sweats and pulled them on underneath the towel. His face was red from embarrassment when he finally turned to face his friend. He had never planned to tell Brent about the truth that he lived with every day. He hated the look of pity that he now saw in Brent’s intent gaze, but was relieved that he hadn’t turned away in disgust like so many others had.

Brent was appalled at the savagery that it would have taken to inflict the degree of suffering that the scars revealed. Things about his friend that had seemed quirky suddenly seemed to make sense. Alex bordered on obsessive when it came to locking doors when he was naked. Nobody knew that better than Brent. He had been physically attracted to his friend from the time they had met and once they became roommates he had tried a couple of times to catch Alex naked. He was always met by a securely locked door. Over time, Brent had realized how juvenile he was being and stopped his antics. He had accepted that Alex didn’t feel the same way and they would only ever be friends. He hadn’t realized the depth of his emotional attachment until he saw the scars that Alex had managed to keep hidden from him.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Brent asked, his voice betraying his hurt.

“I’ve learned to live with it,” Alex answered lamely. After that first look into Brent’s eyes he had looked anywhere but at his friend. “I didn’t want to lose you too,” Alex whispered to himself. In his quest to not look at Brent he hadn’t noticed his friends approach and was startled when he felt himself enfolded by his strong arms.

“Why would you lose me?” Brent asked as he ran his hands soothingly over his friends back in an effort to calm the shaking.

“It’s not important,” Alex told him as he pulled away before he gave in to the tears that threatened to spill over.

“No, it is important, at least to me,” Brent countered as he draped one arm around Alex’s shoulders and eased them both down until they were sitting side by side on the bed.

“It’s just a part of my past that I never talk about,” Alex told him.

“It’s obviously still affecting you,” Brent responded. “C’mon Alex, talk to me. You know you can tell me anything,” Brent coaxed.

Alex stayed silent as his thoughts turned back to those dark days. He had never voluntarily talked about what had happened to him and honestly wasn’t sure even sure he could. He was terrified that talking about it would make him relive every moment of the attack. He’d seen the compassion in Brent’s eyes and that more than anything made him want to at least try. Not talking about it hadn’t lessened the impact it had on him and there was no one he trusted more than Brent. His decision made, Alex stood and moved to the window. He would need to be as detached as possible to get through his story, and there was no way that he could sit next to Brent and not get emotional.

“No, stay there,” Alex held his hand out when Brent made to follow him. “If I’m going to do this I need you to stay over there.”

“Whatever you need,” Brent replied as he sat back on the bed, his feet hanging over the side to rest on the floor and his hands clenched between his spread knees while his forearms rested on his thighs. He studied his friend and noted the tense lines around Alex’s mouth, the stiff set to his shoulders as though he was fighting to stay in control. Gone was the easy going man he had gotten to know over the last two years.

“I know I’ve always been kind of vague about where I went to school before I came here,” Alex started, his mind grasping for a good place to start.

“It never seemed overly important,” Brent admitted.

“I guess normally it wouldn’t have been,” Alex told him. “Do you remember a few years ago, when a whole bunch of gay men were raped and killed on a college campus?”

“I remember, it was a couple of years before we met,” Brent replied automatically. “It was all over the news. Only one of the victims survived, but what does that have to do with you?” Brent asked. He watched the emotions flickering across Alex’s face as realization dawned. “You mean…”

“I was the survivor,” Alex confirmed softly, “though there have been many times since then that I wished they had managed to kill me.”

“How could I never suspect that you had something like this hanging over your head?” Brent was inwardly berating himself for not paying closer attention and didn’t realize he had spoken his thoughts aloud.

“There was never any reason for you to. I’ve done my best to make it seem like was as carefree as you were,” Alex answered. “Even if you had realized something was wrong, you never would have connected me to those attacks because you never knew where I went to school before here.”

“They released the names of the other victims, but never that of the survivor,” Brent remembered.

“No, they didn’t,” Alex confirmed. He was surprised that he wasn’t having a harder time talking about the past, but he hadn’t gotten to the worst of it yet. It made it somewhat easier that Brent already knew about the attacks. “I was really surprised that my name was never leaked to the press. There were reporters everywhere, but they left me alone because they didn’t know who I was.”

“If I remember right,” Brent started, wracking his brain for details, “they caught the guys responsible and the survivor testified in a closed courtroom because of his age. How is that possible, you’re the same age I am, and we’re both seniors? You hadn’t even started college yet.”

“I started my freshmen year of college when I was only seventeen,” Alex told him. “My parents had worked with me so much when I was little that I skipped kindergarten and went straight into the first grade.”

“Had to have been tough on you,” Brent pointed out, “always being younger than your classmates.”

“Not as much as you would think. It wasn’t until after I was attacked that I wished they had started me out in kindergarten. If they had, I wouldn’t have been at college yet,” Alex told him, struggling to keep his emotions under control.

“So what happened?” Brent asked.

“I’m getting there,” Alex told him. “I was so excited to be at college. I had never come out to my family when I lived at home. I finally had the chance to live my life the way I wanted to. When I found out about the GSA on campus I decided to go to every meeting. I thought it would be perfect, I’d meet other gay men and possibly find my first boyfriend.”

“That’s not what happened, was it?” Brent questioned quietly. If his attention hadn’t been completely focused on Alex, he might have missed the deep, steadying breath that Alex took as he prepared himself to go on. Brent’s heart stuttered in his chest as he realized they were to the worst part. Even as he watched, Alex hunched over and clutched at the windowsill for support. Brent decided he’d heard enough, he didn’t need to hear the rest, not if it brought that much pain and despair to Alex. “It’s okay Alex, you don’t have to tell me,” Brent said quietly. He knew what had been in the news report and that was enough for him.

“No, it’s okay,” Alex answered. “I need to tell you all of it so you can understand,” he told him. He just hadn’t realized how hard it would be to remain detached during the retelling. After another deep breath, he continued, “It was at the first meeting I went to that I found out about the dance. Apparently the GSA hosted a couple of big dances every year. Some of them were just meant for mingling, meeting people, that kind of thing. This particular dance was a fundraiser. It was to help families of gay students who had been affected by violence. I debated on whether or not to go but in the end decided that it could be fun. I saw it more as a test of my resolve to being out and living my own life.”

“You figured if you couldn’t bring yourself to a GSA sponsored dance, then you wouldn’t actually be able to be out,” Brent guessed.

“Something like that. There had already been a few attacks, but I was naïve and didn’t think about the possibility of the dance being a target. It makes sense now, what better place to target for someone who was attacking gay men than a GSA dance?”

“You were only seventeen,” Brent argued.

“I wish everyone else had thought that way,” Alex answered with a shake of his head.

“What do you mean?” Brent asked quietly, fairly sure he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“My parents. All they had ever been concerned with was their social standing. Intellectually I knew that, but at the time I could hope that they really cared about me. They pretty much had my life all mapped out. After I graduated with a law degree I was supposed to go home, join my dad’s law firm, and marry the daughter of one of his wealthy friends. You know, all the typical high society hype bullshit. The rape changed things.”

“Surely they didn’t blame you for that,” Brent was shocked at the mere suggestion that anyone could have thought it was Alex’s fault.

“No, not a first anyways. They stood by me when they thought it was a case of mistaken identity. That all changed once I admitted that it wasn’t a mistake, that I was gay. After I came out to them their whole demeanor changed. They went from supporting me to blaming me. According to them, if I had chosen a different lifestyle it never would have happened.”

“That’s harsh,” Brent answered. He didn’t know what else to say. He really didn’t think Alex would want to know exactly what he’d like to do to his parents. He forced himself to tamp down his anger as Alex continued.

“I guess so, but I had long ago realized that they never really gave a damn about me. It hurt, and still does to a point, but I’ve accepted it,” Alex answered, raking his hand through his hair in agitation. “Sorry, I got a little off track,” Alex apologized.

“Don’t apologize,” Brent reassured him, smiling back when Alex gave him a grateful smile.

“Back to the dance,” Alex replied, getting back on track. “I went to the dance and hand an okay time. Danced with a couple of different guys, made a few friends, but that was pretty much the extent of it. I left before it was over.”

“So you were by yourself?” Brent asked.

“Yeah, definitely not one of my smartest moves. There were a few people hanging around outside, but not that many. I started walking back towards my dorm room when three guys stepped out from behind a cluster of trees. I started walking faster, but they caught up to me and pulled me back into the trees,” Alex trailed off as tears started running down his face. He choked back the sobs and suddenly felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace.

Alex had never realized how many emotions had built up inside of him, just waiting for the opportunity to break free. He struggled to keep the emotional barriers in place, but the feel of Brent’s arms around him proved to be too much and the walls he’d so carefully built crumbled. He clung to Brent in an effort to remain on his feet as his tears fell unchecked against his friend’s bare skin and his heart wrenching sobs filled the room.

“It’s okay Alex, stop, you don’t need to tell me any more,” Brent pleaded when Alex’s sobs became quieter, hating himself for making Alex relive the attack.

“No, I have to do this,” Alex answered, pulling away and swiping at his eyes as he struggled to gain some sort of control over himself.

Realizing that Alex was doing it for his own sake as much as filling him in, Brent remained quiet. He maneuvered until he was perched on the wide window sill and pulled Alex backwards into the comfort and safety of his arms.

“They took turns raping me, telling me how I deserved it. While one was fucking my ass, the other two held me in place. Afterwards, two of them held me on the ground as the other one started slicing away at me. They were laughing as they talked about how they were going to castrate me before they killed me.”

“How did you get away?” Brent asked gently as he breathed in the scent of Alex’s shampoo.

“I almost didn’t, but they made a mistake. They didn’t pull me far enough off the path and the college had stepped up security. A security guard was making his rounds and heard my muffled screams as they sliced into me with a serrated knife. They had just placed the knife to my dick when they heard the sound of leaves crunching nearby and they took off. The rest you probably know from the newspapers and stuff.”

“Except how it affected you,” Brent admitted. He had followed the case, despite his parents trying to keep him from it. He had already told them that he was gay and they hadn’t wanted him to be afraid to be who he was.

“I spent a week or so in the hospital recovering from the blood loss and the multiple cuts. Once they released me, I went to live with my Aunt for the rest of the school year. She was one of the only ones in my family who hadn’t condemned me when the story broke.” Alex took a deep breath before he continued, “I’ve only dated a total of four guys since then. Three of them were repulsed when they saw the scars and walked out. The one that stayed, when he tried to fuck me I froze up and panicked.”

“So you’ve never…”

“Not voluntarily,” Alex admitted. “It’s not that I don’t want to, but psychologically, I can’t.”

“If you were with someone you trusted implicitly?” Brent questioned.

“I honestly don’t know. I would like to think I could, but I’m not sure,” Alex answered, allowing his body to relax into Brent’s.

“Okay, maybe you can’t be on the receiving end, for a lot of guys that wouldn’t matter,” Brent assured him.

“That would mean I’d also have to find someone that wouldn’t run in horror at the mere sight of me,” Alex answered.

“Your scars aren’t going to matter to someone who truly cares about you,” Brent told him as he struggled to keep himself from spilling his feelings. He knew that Alex was feeling raw and the last thing he wanted to do was give him something else to try and process.

“There was one guy I thought I’d be able to let in enough, but he wasn’t interested,” Alex confessed.

“Then he’s an idiot,” Brent answered, not realizing the depth of emotion that had crept into his voice as he tightened his embrace. He relished the feeling of holding Alex in his arms and wished they could just stay in that position forever. “Is he the only one you think you’d trust enough?” Brent asked, his hope hinging on Alex’s answer.

“At this point, yes,” Alex told him as he turned in Brent’s arms to face him.

Brent struggled to keep control of his body as Alex brushed against him. He found himself once more gazing into Alex’s eyes and found himself losing the struggle. He took in the bright eyes and the tentative smile and felt himself drowning.

“Brent, I…”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Brent whispered as he slowly lowered his lips to Alex’s. The kiss was a fleeting brush of lips against lips, but it was enough to make him want even more. “I’m sorry,” Brent whispered a hairsbreadth from his lips. Alex had just relived the horror of his attack and Brent was terrified that he’d made a move at the wrong moment.

“For what?” Alex whispered back seconds before pressing his lips against Brent’s.

“That was worth the wait,” Brent told him with a slight smile. At Alex’s questioning look, he continued, “I’ve been half in love with you within a month of meeting you, but figured you only wanted me for a friend.”

“You’re the one I trust,” Alex’s whisper was barely audible.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you,” Brent told him tenderly, “but, I’m not about to make love to you until I know you are completely ready. I’ve waited this long, I can wait for a while longer.”

“What if I don’t want you to?” Alex asked.

“If you want us to make love, I’m all up for it, but I don’t want to risk scaring or hurting you.”

“That only leaves…”

“You making love to me,” Brent finished for him.

“I might mess up,” Alex answered quietly.

“You won’t mess up,” Brent answered confidently. “You don’t understand Alex, it will be me and you together. That’s all I’ve wanted in a long time.”

“My scars…”

“Don’t make a difference to me. I hate what you had to go through and I would happily beat the shit out the guys who gave them to you, but they’re part of you. I meant what I said when I told you that they wouldn’t matter to someone who truly cared about you. I not only care about you, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alex whispered as he allowed his feelings to flood his heart. That single night had haunted him for over three years, but he knew, with Brent’s help, he would eventually be able to get past it.