Improve and Encourage

[Dark]

Here's your mission, should you choose to accept it: Read something belonging to the author who posted above you. Then, post a review as a reply to this thread.

 

When you review, you need to include:

 

1. Title & Author (be sure to include a link)

2. Short summary (5 sentences max)

3. Strengths of the story/poem

4. Weaknesses of the story/poem

5. How could the story/poem be improved

6. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc)

 

If there's anything you'd like to add, that's cool, too.

 

 

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I'm going to start by reading/reviewing The Translator by David McLeod. This is a story about a man named Phillip who encounters a young man from a completely different culture. They have to learn about each other and how to communicate, all with the goal of returning Argon to his home. Of course nothing goes quite as planned and Phillip will have to seek out help from a myriad of different sources.

 

I think that the strength of this story is the amazing descriptions of the culture and faith in which Phillip grew up. David took the world as we know it and changed it, just a bit, but it feels so real, and the whole flavor is revealed bit by bit in a way that's not overwhelming.

 

I think the weakness of the story is writing it as a research paper. It was off-putting to read the "research notes" because they kept throwing me out of the story and then I had to translate the 'translation.' It was quite odd. I also didn't like Phillip's journal. It was basically just reading a summary of different parts of the story, sometimes twice in one chapter. It seemed superfluous.

 

I think the story could be improved by including all the books in the series as one. The Translator is really only the first part of Argon and Phillip's journey. As I was reading I kept thinking to myself, 'wow, there's only __ chapters left and so many loose ends ..."

 

My favorite part of the story was the flashback between Phillip and Johnny. This really showed how gossip gets around a small community and how Phillip overcame his preconceptions.

 

I would definitely recommend this story to anyone who likes reading the Fantasy genre. The two different worlds really come to life.

[Cia]

I like this idea!! I read Over the Precipice by Dark, of course. I read this and didn't read the review attached so that my view would be just mine and I wouldn't see the other reader or author input.

 

Summary: When his unrequited crush, Dallas, gets devastating news at work Alex rushes after him. When Dallas shuts down Alex takes him to his family's B&B. A weekend of talk, tears, and touching ends with a unique wisdom imparted from an unexpected source.

 

Strengths: The emotions were very vivid and the descriptions are deceptively simple. A single short sentence could bring a whole setting to life. A big big thing for me is the proper use of words. My biggest pet peeve is people using words they don't quite know and getting it wrong. Shuddered/Shuttered, Taut/Taunt, Peeked/Peaked. Simple but oh so important. Taut was used in this story and used correctly, YAY! Also, there is thought behind this story, a hidden meaning and thrust that goes beyond just the emotions and scenes we are shown. Ultimately I saw this story as a lesson in the oft bitter knowledge that for every action we take we must also take responsibility and learn what we can and accept those lessons for good or ill. Life moves on and well, to steal an oldie but goodie, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

 

Weakness: The shifting pov. Third person omniscient is often used in short stories to some detriment to the flow for the reader. While I understand the need to not only see the actions of the main characters but also the thoughts and motivations behind those actions, writers will sometimes shift back and forth too often. The shift in showing the emotions and thoughts from paragraph to paragraph is just too much for me personally. Also, there are aspects of this story that were hinted at but not fulfilled and some questions I had that weren't fully answered that seriously bugged me plot wise. Such as:

 

If the folds on the will were well worn that most likely meant that Dallas had the letter and read and re-read for some time. His mother in law doesn't seem the type to have cared. Dallas would have known his husband was dead and mostly likely contacted his ex-brother in law right off to get the information. Also, he got the cards on Thursday and went to work on Friday anyway. I could maybe buy shock but why then? Why not before when he got the will or the email? Why not at home before work even if he had never missed a day? What set him off at that moment other than it was the place he needed to panic in order for Alex to be there?

 

What's with the 'closed casket/cremation' hiding himself away at the family estates and pushing Dallas to move on secondary plot that was hinted at? It made it seem as if perhaps the husband was dying of something awful and wanted to protect Dallas from that but I would think any spouse would have willed more to him financially/emotionally if that were the case. Unless the baseball cards had spectacular signifigance for the pair, in which case that needed to be emphasized much more. For me, it just made no sense to add that little bit of a secondary plot consideration. The rich boy who leaves his ex well off after leaving him because he's dying is a oft done plot and didn't really fit with this story, imo.

 

Improvements:

 

Honestly I would rearrange this story, not to change the story told but the sequence in how the story is told and clean up the way the pov shifts from character to character. I would put the initial scenes at the office in Alex's pov but I would have Dallas share his story there in the stairway, but only the very beginning up to the point where he speaks that the ring, a few trinkets and the baseballs card were all he had left in his pov before the car ride which would give him the catharsis to sleep. The car ride and the initial part of the weekend would be Alex's pov again up until Dallas continues to share his story, possibly expanding that part a bit. Then I would give Dallas' reason for kissing Alex so suddenly and initiating their sexual contact because that's something really missing because his emotions seem to shift from impulsive and 'chuckling' to 'oh god, what did I start and why won't I stop?' too fast. I would start Alex's pov again while he's being kissed and then through the initial half of the sex scene up until he returns to the room with the lube. Once there it's essential the sex and the aftermath be solely in Dallas' pov imo up until the end. It would have you alternating the pov about 5 times but it would allow for both of your characters to get the major scenes where we need to see their thoughts and yet not have the shift back and forth randomly through the story. Also, I would look at the points where I had questions in the areas I thought were weaknesses.

 

Favorite part: The hidden depths to the story. I may not have gotten it right but I took something away from the story that I saw as having an added element that made me think and really apply the fiction to reality. A good story entertains and has meaning to us above the plot alone.

[Renee Stevens]

I decided to re-read Double Down by Cia. I chose this story as it was written before I started doing beta reading for Cia... *waves*

 

Summary: Mark's ex, Preston, gets him involved in an illegal gambling ring to get himself out of debt and then runs off, leaving Mark to the mercy of the goons running the show. As things get more and more dangerous, Marc cuts himself off from his brother, hoping to keep him safe. Rylan refuses to accept the lack of his brother in his life and sets out to free Marc from the predicament he's found himself in. To accomplish that goal, Rylan brings in his friend and neighbor Nat.

 

Strengths: I think one of the biggest strengths in this story is how well Cia captured the love felt between the two brothers. There is such devotion there and in the end, that is both what saves Marc and yet at the same time it's what drove them apart. The other big strength is the characters themselves. Nat for example, he doesn't even know Marc in the beginning, but he has a strength of character that is rare to find in my opinion. His friend and neighbor needs help and he's there. It is his job as well, but that's not why he's doing it.

 

Weaknesses: I think the biggest weakness in this story is that it goes so quickly. We barely have a chance to really get to know the characters before it's over, but we do at least get a feel for them. It seems like the time between when everything gets rolling and when it's over is very short and could be expanded a bit.

 

How to Improve: Myself, I probably would have lengthened it. Adding a couple chapters to the end giving us more insight into the development of a relationship between Nat and Marc.

 

My favorite part of this story would have to be when Marc finds out that Nat isn't as straight as he thought he was.

[Marzipan]

I read Renee Steven's story Scars of the Soul. I chose this story because I had not yet read anything from author Renee Stevens and I wanted to read a shorter story first. Sort stories are quite difficult in my opinnion. What to tell, what to leave out and where to focus. To see how an author handles his/her short stories is always such an interesting task.

 

 

Short summary:

 

This was a story of a young student Alex, who had been hiding scars both in his soul and his body and finally revieled them to his compassionate roommate Brent. There are physical scars lft, but can Brent help Alex heal emotionally too?

 

Strengths of the story:

 

This shorty held me in it's grip tightly from the start to the end. Scars of the Soul has a strong message against hate crimes (obviously) but it also deals with matters like self acceptance and living with marks of a crime dealing with life's dark side in general. I think the most important thing this story had, was hope. There is always hope, no matter how dark things get.

 

Weaknesses of the story:

 

I thought the story's ending was wrapped too quickly to my taste. I would have wanted to read a bit more about love's heeling power on Alex. The boys moved from friends to lovers in a little bit of haste.

 

How could the story be improved:

 

The Scars of the Soul was really touching, I was in near tears for Alex. There was definitely a lot of psychological issues going on in this story. I really don't think there is much to be improved. This is a really good and solid story that I'm happy to have read. I'm also going to read more from Renee now on!

 

My favorite part?

 

I'm a succer for sad stories - with a happy ending. I felt raw after reading what had happened to Alex and the end Renee offered was so needed. So yes, I would have wanted a longer ending scene since I loved the developement between the boys.

[Agaith]

I am currently reading Mantartania's Hot 'n Cold

 

Short Summary

 

The story so far is about Alexsi and Jaime. Aleksi is the star runner at college and the stepson to a politician and Finnish. Jaime is an older boy from Hawaii yet isnt too confident and does yoga . Will they get together, and more importantly will they stay together despite what life throws at them?

 

Strengths

 

Maria's writing style is very easy to read and even the longer chapters whizz by. You get engrossed with the characters and you can't help but fall in love with them. The story is only 7 chapters in but there are little aspects of the story that make it unique, like focussing on Jaime's yoga and Aleksi being Finnish we get to see some Finnish language

 

Weaknesses

 

I suppose (and I'm having to be picky here to put something in here ) is that occasionally there is the odd error in grammar or spelling that shows that English isnt Maria's first language. This sometimes disturbs the flow but only by a small amount.

 

Improvements

 

The only improvement to my weakness is probably just to go back over the chapter before posting slowly in order to try to catch the little buggers of errors

 

 

Favourite part

 

Waiting for future chapters but seriously I dont have a favourite bit because I get so wrapped up in the story that I just love every bit of it for what it is