Sparkling Combustion - 13. Chapter 13

Oh well, I'd attempt at making up during lunch.

The bell rang. I got up and hurried out of the classroom without saying a word. Relief filled me at the thought of being able to get out of that stuffy room. I put all my things in my locker and grabbed my wallet from my backpack. I was hungry and the thought of a pansaratti was really appealing. Thankfully, because I'd been quick, I'd gotten ahead of the bulk of the rest of the senior students and claimed a pansaratti pretty quickly.

After paying, I exited the line and made my way into the cafeteria. Although a part of me wanted to quickly look around and spot Ryan, I stopped myself and weaved on ahead. Waving in and out of the rows, I approached the spot where Nathan and Laura were sitting. I was surprised they'd gotten there that quick. Laura looked up and spotted me. She raised an eyebrow.

"Do you promise not to bite?" She asked, a friendly smile replacing the look of caution on her face.

I sighed. I wouldn't have to begin the awkward conversation of apologizing towards a sullen audience. "I come in peace." I felt relieved and rather light and relaxed now that things were good with Laura. I felt like my insides could now breathe a bit more clearly as well. Looking at Nathan's face, I wasn't so sure about him.

"We cool?"

Nathan smiled his award winning smile and I felt like things were all better, as if I wasn't having a total brain-death. I sat down, opened the foil packet containing my pansaratti and smiled back at him.

"I'm sorry about getting so pissy lately." I said to the both of them.

"It's all good," Laura said, a motherly smile on her face.

"All I asked this morning, was if you had a good time fucking Jeremy's brains out last night, was that so bad?"

"Nathan!" Laura began.

I tried not to grit my teeth. I'd forgotten about that. "Nathan, we've been over this already. I don't have that sort of relationship with Jeremy.”

“Let's not do this, guys,” Laura intervened intelligently and at the perfect time.

I looked at Nathan closely, daring him to defy, “Yeah, let's not do this.”

His expression softened a bit, and his eyes warmed. “Okay,” he agreed.

Laura turned our attention to herself and beamed. She asked me, “So tell me how last night was, and I'm not trying to annoy you.”

I grinned and shook my head. “It was fun, I guess. Jeremy is a great person. Although it would have been better if we hadn't run into Ryan and Ashlynn.” I didn't add that I was constantly aware of them the entire time. Neither of them would have taken that news very well. “Jeremy kept my mind off of them though,” I added.

“Oh, so you told Jeremy about what went on between you and...uh...Ryan, did you?” Nathan asked nonchalantly, although we both knew he was far from it.

“Yeah, I told him.”

“Didn't things go sour with Ryan because he didn't want you telling anyone?” Nathan pointed out.

“Uh...yeah.” I thought he was going to finally stop attacking me. What was wrong with him today!

“Then why did you tell Jeremy?”

“It doesn't matter anymore. Besides, I can trust Jeremy. Why do you care though, weren't you the one who wanted me to stay away from Ryan?”

Nathan stared at me stonily.

I stared back.

Laura cleared her throat, and I turned to look at her. Her eyebrows were so high, she almost looked funny. A knowing look twinkled in her eyes. The look annoyed me, seared through me, and for a second, I was flustered. Nathan remained silent, clearly still offended.

“Sorry about that. So tell me what's been going on with you lately?” I attempted at changing the topic.

Laura just grinned mischievously and nodded her head behind my shoulder. “Speak of the devil.” She said.

I looked behind me to see what she was indicating to and there was Ryan. He stood with a couple of his friends, and they were all just about to sit down. It was like a scene out of a movie. The amazing male lead stood with his friends, laughing. From afar it looked as if they were suspended in time, every movement magnified. I couldn't hear the laughter, but I could see it on their faces, feel it in the atmosphere. And I felt—I felt something that I didn't dare identify.

I just looked back at Laura and rolled my eyes. “Can we not discuss him?”

“Why, because you have a new boyfriend?” This was from Nathan of course.

I shut my eyes for a few seconds. I was in shock. After all, why was Nathan being so utterly obnoxious to me? “Nathan, did we not just repeatedly discuss this? What part of what I said was hard to understand?”

“Fine, if you and Jeremy aren't going out, then if he asked you would you say yes?”

“I don't know—maybe—probably...what?”

“Wow, you move pretty fast,” Nathan said.

For a moment I didn't know what to say, but then I couldn't help but be a bit mean. “What the hell is up your ass? For the last time, Jeremy and I are just friends! I appreciate, what you may think is your concern, but, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. You don't need to worry about me.”

Nathan audibly snorted; he actually snorted!

I was speechless yet again. This time I just got up and grabbed my things. “Bye Laura, talk you later,” and completely ignoring Nathan, I walked out of the cafeteria.

I walked around the school for a bit, pondering Nathan's strange behavior. I walked aimlessly, garnering some strange looks, until I began feeling terrible. I'd been a little too harsh with Nathan. Maybe he'd just been having a bad day? No matter what he was my friend, and I should have been gentler. It's not like his actions were born out of complete and utter ill will for me.

Oh well, maybe we both over-reacted.

I ended up in the bathroom, in front of the mirror. It was in a secluded end of the school, in a hallway that was rarely used. The only class that actually ever went on in the area was tech, and it wasn't much of a hot-spot. Studying my face, I thought about what Ryan must have thought when he looked at me. After all, we'd had sex, so there had to be some chemistry there. I was good-looking. Not nearly as handsome as Ryan, but I was good looking in a more subdued way.

It was confusing though. Obviously Ryan had been attracted to me, or else why would he approach me about trying things out. He'd been interested and then just lost interest, I guess. It'd probably been experimenting like he said it had been. I wonder if he ever came to some sort of conclusion as most experiments result in. More like, first he was furious with me, then he lost interest as a result of that fury.

Was his attraction to me just a onetime thing or was he Bi-sexual? He was obviously in some form still straight since he'd already dated two girls since then.

I looked in the mirror again. My eyes were smoky, brimless and restless, almost as if I was haunted by something. It was strange to see those emotions splayed in my eyes, when I wasn't even clear on what the feelings swirling madly in my body were.

I felt like I wanted to do something, reach for something, but I wasn't sure what it was. It was really frustrating, almost like I couldn't be satisfied until I achieved this seemingly impossible task that I hadn't yet identified. It's like when you lie on a lumpy mattress and you try your hardest to find a comfortable position. No matter what though, nothing feels right and you keep shifting restlessly all night.

I ran my fingers through my hair. Then, feeling disgusted, I just slid against the wall and sat on the ground. I covered my face in my hands and just slumped down, all my frustrations melting and I felt my body relaxing, exhaustion overtaking any other prime instinct in my body. It wasn't that my body was tired, but my mind was.

Time passed; I don't know how much. A lot, a little, who knows? Maybe I was in there for like three minutes, maybe twenty, but I just sat there the entire time. My head slumped onto my knees and I closed my eyes.

“Skipping? Now why am I not surprised?” Ryan. No one ever came here. Had he followed me?

I raised my head, “No I'm not skipping, I'm just...running late.” my voice sounded sure, firm and for a moment mind didn't really register that Ryan was actually standing there in front of me, speaking to me. I finally looked into his eyes, and momentary shock filled me, not at the fact that he was there, but at the look on his face. His face was set in stone, completely serious.

“Well, you're fifteen minutes late to class!” One eyebrow rose sardonically.

“Wait, what time is it?” I asked quickly, alarmed that so much time had passed. I got up quickly and subconsciously saw the glint of his watch, triggering me to grab his wrist and peer at it. He was right. It was 16 minutes after the period began. I realized what I was doing and dropped his arm like it was burning hot. I looked up at him to see the frown of confusion marring his face.

“I'm going to class.” I don't know why I bothered saying that to him, but I did. I began to walk out of the room, but was stopped by the sound of his deep and resonating voice.

“Kyle-”

“You know what, Ryan?” I whirled around, “Drop the pretense. I don't have time to deal with you nonsense. Oh, and while you're at it, try sticking to one story would ya? First you blackmailed me, for lack of a better word, then you get mad at me and act as if I don't' exist, now you're actually acknowledging my existence?”

Silence.

It was deafening, almost tangible.

Silence. A crackle of a voice. I'm unsure if it was mine or if it was Ryan's.

I backed up, my back hitting the wall and let out the breath I'd been holding. Ryan's face cleared, his expression was still unreadable though. His eyes were glinting, he was moving closer, arms on either side of me on the wall.

He was so near, I could count his long eyelashes. His nearness suffocated me, closed me in, and I wanted to move, but my body seemed unable to comply to the demands my brain was making.

“I don't like you.” Four words, uttered so seriously, so quietly, that if I hadn't strained my ears, I would have missed them. Four words that shouldn't have caused me to react, but left something aching inside of me. His mouth set into a grim line after the words left his lips. His eyes bore into mine, gauging my reaction.

I didn't give him one.

“Yeah, and I really like you, Ryan Melbourne,” I said vehemently in kind.

“You know what, this is childish.”

I rolled my eyes, “Then back off, inspector Gadget.”

He smiled, almost. “For some reason, when I'm around you, I can't help but do the dumbest things, Kyle.”

“Like fucking me.” I said. A flash of naked bodies popped into my head. Me lying on the bed on my stomach, my ass in the air, being pounded into by Ryan repeatedly. Groans, moans, the creaking of a head-board, the pounding of swift, deep strokes. I closed my eyes momentarily, then they flashed at him again.

“Yeah that would be the dumbest thing.”He agreed wryly, then grinned. “So how's the boyfriend?”

My eyes widened. “What?”

“You know, the guy from last night at the movies.”

“Oh, he's not—you know what, that's none of your business.”

“Yeah, yeah, but I'm feeling pretty nosy at the moment.” The soft blond hair on his head was a bit longer than before, and looked even more touchable. If I reached out, I could easily grab some and breathe it in. His green eyes were crystal clear, his heat almost reached me, and I wanted to press close against the source of it. When he spoke, his breath hit my face.

My body responded to him in a way that it only did for Ryan.

“Feeling satisfied?” he asked.

“Yeah, he's a great fuck!” I spat.

Ryan's hand gripped the back of my head, his fingers tugging into the hair there, and pulling. Ryan's heat, I groaned in bliss, pressed against me. His sinewy body pressed against mine. His lips forced my mouth open and his tongue plunged inside, punishing, bruising, and it wasn't so great anymore. His erection burned into my hip, seducing me, but his kiss was void of passion, only filled with punishment and the desire to inflict pain upon me. I pushed at his shoulders and shoved him away, rubbing at my arm where he'd gripped it hard.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yelled.

“Kyle--”

“No, let me speak out! We had a trial run or something—whatever you wanna call it. Then I did something stupid—I should have thought of you before telling people about what was going on. You called it off...no big deal. It had to end anyway, but if it had been different we would have remained friends. Then you wouldn't let it go, you antagonized me without even talking to me! Now you're dating someone and you kiss me! If that can even be classified as a kiss.”

“I don't know why I did that.” Ryan looked at the ground.

“I don't either.”

“Like you said, it was supposed to be a trial run, but I got close to you. I considered you a friend and then you so coldly, without sparing a thought for my feelings, told people about us. Especially Nathan, whom I hate! Of course I'm angry!”

“Thanks.”

“Kyle-”

Again I interrupted him. “Well, I'm sorry. Honestly, I am. I wasn't before, I was terribly angry then but that was my anger speaking. Just know that your dirty little secret is safe with me...or rather it won't get any further.”

“Way to apologize. Very strange, although I accept it. Doesn't mean I like you or anything.”

“Yeah, I'm a real bad guy. I'll murder you if you come any closer.”

“You probably would.”

I just shrugged. “Now that this is behind us, I'll leave you alone, Not that I was even speaking to you before.” I rolled my eyes. “ There's nothing to bind us anymore. I apologized, you accepted. Our time is over and you can go back to being...whatever it is that you are, and we need not acknowledge the others presence again.”

Ryan's mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Have a great life, Ryan Melbourne.”

I left him like that, mouth agape, shocked and bewildered.

Something died inside of me, because I realized that I actually gave a crap about Ryan Melbourne.

~*~

Realization is a jolt of awareness, or it can be a feeling that builds up inside your body slowly until finally it settles and you accept it for what it is. Maybe I received a jolt, maybe it was a slow build-up, but I think it was more of a combination of the two.

After school that day, as I was walking out of the building, I glimpsed Ryan standing with a girl. They were laughing, like a scene out of a movie, perfection, genuine happiness, and a pang resounded within my heart.

I finally acknowledged the feeling as pain.

And it scared me, It really did, because I let myself care, no matter how much I'd blocked everything out, I'd let myself care. I cared about Ryan, and it was unexplainable. Ryan who was everything I should have disliked. He was rude, prideful, cocky, selfish, and who hated me, was the person my traitorous heart chose to beat for.

I looked away, gripping my cellphone so tightly, that the lack of circulation almost caused my hand to give out.

I texted Jeremy, asking him to pick me up.

I knew he'd care, I knew he'd come, I knew that if the world had been a perfect place, if everything had been right, Jeremy would be the one for me, somehow I knew that he would have completed me. But the world wasn't perfect and my heart didn't acknowledge him as the one.

When his car pulled up, relief filled me and I crossed the road to it, getting into the passenger seat. As I sat down, I mumbled a hello and put my head way back against the seat.

“Okay, what's wrong?” Jeremy's deep voice, penetrating the black fog that was my brain. Ryan. Ryan. My vision cleared and I looked over at the very real person sitting beside me. Jeremy.

“I like Ryan.”

“Oh, Kyle.” Jeremy's eyes were sad, almost as if he was expecting it but was sad that nothing could come out of my unrequited love.

“Why does it hurt?”

“Come here,” he leaned over and put his arms around me. He whispered in my ear, “it hurts because you opened yourself up, and you didn't even realize it. It hurts because you think he doesn't feel the same way. It hurts because, quite frankly—and I don't want to sound like an ass when I say this, you're human.”

“I don't like it. I don't want to--”

“Move on, then. I know it's easy to say and harder to do, but in this case if you don't want to get more hurt, you should attempt at moving on somehow.” He released me and pulled out of the school parking lot.

“I told myself I didn't care for so long. I held myself together, keeping everything balanced. I didn't allow it to come slowly, instead I let it harbour, and now it's rushing right into consciousness in my mind. I don't even have time to process it all.” I looked up into Jeremy's eyes, leaning away slightly, “The thing is, things are already over, and have been for a while.” I forced a laugh, “What am I saying, things never began. He just used me for cheap thrills, and then it was done. I was a joke to him.”

“Kyle--”

“And now he has that girl...Ashlynn.”

“Kyle.”

“I really like him, Jeremy,” I stared into his emotion filled eyes, forcing him to understand. “I really, really like him. I can't begin to describe it. He's horrible! He's fake, he's obnoxious, he's the absolute worst! And yet I feel this way.” I finally stopped, taking a deep breath. It was strange that all of this was coming out now.

“Sometimes things don't turn out like we expect them to. We feel in control but then it hits you at once that you've never really been and you've left yourself bare the entire time.” Jeremy said. “But it's not the end of the world.”

“How can I stop?” I asked.

“You can't. At least, I don't know how to.”

Jeremy pulled up into an old parking lot that was entirely empty. He reached around somewhere in the back and came up with a joint. He lit it, raised it to his lips and raised an eyebrow. Smiling, he breathed it into his lungs. He took it out and held it out to me.

“Want a hit? Sometimes the best way to stop it is to make yourself feel better. Even if it is temporary.”

I thought about it for a second. I'd never done weed, nor had I smoked before. I reached for it, raised it to my mouth, and breathed in, letting the smoke swirl in my mouth. I coughed.

Jeremy laughed lazily, his eyes droopy.

“Gotta breathe it in, Moore.”

I grinned, and repeated my motions from before. I then raised an eyebrow in challenge. It felt weird. We shared the joint, and soon I even took it from his mouth with my own.

Jeremy just grinned tiredly. “Man, you're funny! Hey, you know that school dance of yours coming up, I think I'm coming!”

“You better!”

I laughed. He leaned in, puffed smoke onto my face; and it was so erotic. I laughed and licked his lips. His hand suddenly gripped the back of my head and an innocent lick turned into an all-out tongue sucking hand groping kiss.

“Mmm,” I groaned, clutching him and opening my mouth for his tongue. He tasted so good, smelled so good. And I was too darned high to feel anything but ecstasy. Every touch made me moan and I just let myself go.

“Kyle, no.” Jeremy was totally out of it but still he worried.

I didn't care. I reached for him and pulled his mouth to my own, licking along his bottom lip slowly. He groaned deep in his throat as if battling some great inner demon. I think he won because he pushed me away.

“Don't.”

I was too high to care. I just lay back, feeling like the world was spinning and I along with it.

“It doesn't hurt now, Jeremy, you were right.”

~*~*~