Sparkling Combustion - 17. Chapter 17

Sparkling Combustion
Chapter 17
I apologize for any errors, I tried to edit but have probably failed.

I was sure Jeremy hadn’t heard properly when I’d finished telling him what had happened the last few days with me. Obviously my story concerned my new found endeavours with Ryan. I kept it strictly general and did not give too many gruesome details, although he certainly received more information than Josh. At least I told him what happened instead of giving him a vague idea like I had with Josh. Then again, Josh probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. With Laura, she’d just assumed something and I had neither denied, confirmed, or even asked what her assumptions were. She was girl though, and they tended to be okay with things like that. There were some things you just naturally told some people and didn’t tell others. Perhaps I told Jeremy more about myself and my feelings because he was a good listener, well to me at least. I felt it was more or less that was what our relationship simply was. No two relationships were ever the same, just like no two snowflakes were ever the same. It was probably because no two people were ever identical either!

When I finished, he said, “Kyle, I’m not sure what part of your brain you’re using lately that makes you this stupid. You’re setting yourself up to get hurt.”

“W-what?” I exclaimed. I’d been prepared to argue my stupid case, but this? “Jeremy, you’re the one not thinking. I’m not the one getting hurt; I’m the one doing the hurting.”

“I’d hardly call it that,” Jeremy began stiffly, “After all, he could easily out power you, and he has leverage over you too, to a certain degree.”

“No he doesn’t because he knows that I’m fine with being gay, where as he appears to be a straight boy messing around with something he shouldn’t be messing with,” I said, and when Jeremy opened his mouth to argue, I went on, “Puh-lease, call it what you like but it is what it is. Anyway Jeremy, I’m the bad guy here.”

But Jeremy didn’t care whether I was contemplating murder, or whether I was the angel. “I don’t give a fuck about Ryan Melbourne or what happens to him,” Jeremy stated matter-of-factly. “You are the one who’s stupid. I mean you like this guy and now you’re going to push yourself to do something with him again. You’re setting yourself up to get hurt, buddy.”

“I’m in control here,” I pointed out, frowning. “Besides this way I can get him out of my system.”

“Fuck, you watch too much damned girl TV. You don’t just get people out of your system, that’s a LIE!”

I rolled my eyes, “Listen,” I said quietly. The rain pattered gently against the window while we stayed inside the car for shelter from the downpour. “Oh, you have ketchup on your lip,” I said and wiped it for him.

“Go on,” Jeremy said impatiently, pushing my hand away with an annoyed look on his face. It made me laugh.

“Yeah, well, don’t you see?” I went on, “If he hated me and really wanted to make me feel shitty, he’d have gone on ignoring me. He was jealous of you too, now that I think about it. He thinks we’re dating, or fucking at least, “I explained at the confused look on Jeremy’s face.

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, blah, blah, blah. I know the guy’s pretty much transparent. He fucking wants you but he’s a scared straight boy who’s a bit of a coward, and frankly I think he should stay that way because It’s only going to mess your life up more.”

I frowned, “he’s not a coward.”

“Says his biggest critic.”

“Well, whatever. Anyway, all this time I think he’s been conflicted.”

He interrupted me, “Ugh, Kyle, you make him sound like an actual human being capable of proper human emotions! Not cool , dude.”

“Jeremy…” I warned.

“Okay, okay, but so what? What exactly does it matter to you anyway? You think by fucking you, he’ll fall in love and say sorry and then decide he wants to man up and actually try something that can legitimately be called a relationship of some sort?”

“Take a breather there, man…and for a dumbass…”

“Fuck you, Kyle,” Jeremy said, but there was laughter in his voice so I knew it was all good.

I grinned, “Whatever, man.”

Jeremy genuinely seemed frustrated now. “Kyle, don’t be ridiculous though. Do you not see the cycle? Now you’re being delusional again. Yes I stole your word, suck it up.”

Damn, he knew me too well. “Listen,” I said for the millionth time, “I’m not some romantic chick from a movie, alright. I don’t want romance. Fuck I don’t want to date him or anything…I know that’s out of the question.”

“So you just want his body, and you’re cool with that? Even though you have some sort of messed up and unexplainable feelings for Ryan Melbourne Monster.”

“Pretty much.”

“And while you’re’ at it, you might as well pay him back…”

“See now you’re getting it.”

“You’re just telling yourself all this. There’s a difference between what you say and convince yourself you want and what you really desire,” Jeremy said casually.

“Oh, lord. Jeremy, don’t turn all serious emo-boy on me now!” I exclaimed rather lamely.

Jeremy gave me a dirty look, which on him just made him look more delicious. Yes I could appreciate his looks without wanting him. “What the fuck? How was that emo, in what way did that sound even remotely emo?”

“Forget it…” I said, shaking my head at him despite the fact that I had no idea how I could answer his question without looking even more stupid.”

“You’re an asshole, I just realized it.” Jeremy looked at me considerately, studying my face.

“Well, I never claimed I was a saint, most people just assume I’m one.” I smirked.

“No…you didn’t claim that. Still, Kyle, we may not have been friends for long but I know you, dude.” Jeremy told me thoughtfully.

“And you think I’m just going to get hurt again, but I won’t!”

“So your feelings for him will just go away on their own while you’re fucking him, will they?” He asked me in all seriousness.

“Well…” I hadn’t thought that one through, but I didn’t want to think about anything! I just wanted to feel and be reckless and crazy and worry about consequences later for a change. Jeremy has a way of bringing me back to reality sadly. Reality wasn’t a place I wanted to be right now. Even I couldn’t explain my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and reasons for doing what I was doing right now. I was just going along with whatever hit my fancy.

What kind of a person willingly proceeded with something they knew was stupid and would cause them pain? Apparently I did! But I didn’t care anymore, to hell with thought, reason, and avoidance of painful ideas. I wanted Ryan’s body and by hell I could have it. Ryan was an asshole anyway!

Yet again, I thought that Jeremy had a tendency to bring me down to earth. Laura just told me what I ought to do and feel along with what was right and wrong. Josh didn’t say much but his advice wasn’t usually the morally correct path to chose, despite his being aware it wasn’t, he would advise it to me. Jeremy brought me down to earth with his sensibilities and strange manner of looking at things. What the fuck was I doing? I panicked for a second. I, Kyle, was blackmailing Ryan Melbourne? I didn’t do things like that…I was usually the one who got himself into situations like that.

Then again, who said this wasn’t one of the very same not so sane situations I got myself into?

Maybe I was a masochist and enjoyed pain secretly, although I doubted it since I would somehow be consciously aware of the fact. I wasn’t some sick dominant freak who got kicks out of putting people in situations like I had with Ryan either. What got me hot was the curve of his lips, the tautness of his limbs and chest, the look in his eyes when the both of us knew he wanted me but he denied himself the pleasure.

Yeah, he wanted me! I reminded myself of this fact and revelled in the bliss of it for a few moments. There was no way he could deny it. He lashed out at me for it but it was there below the surface or perhaps higher on the surface than I’d realized before.

There is nothing worse than knowing you are being selfish and inconsiderate, not to mention illogical, masochistic, and abhorrent and possibly morally vile, and continuity of the onslaught that lead to said things.

“I know what I’m doing,” I said finally and my voice was low and quiet, breaking the easy silence that had flowed between us the past several minutes. Again, Jeremy searched my face for a sign of something but eventually sighed, shrugged, and looked away. For a brief moment I saw the worry etched lightly on his face before he looked away and masked it naturally. I tried to explain to him but how could I, when even I myself was unsure of most things. “I just don’t know…” I trailed off. Pathetic, Kyle.

“It’s fine, Kyle, not like it effects me…anyway just do what you want. I won’t butt in, I’m sorry.”

I hung my head, “Don’t take it the wrong way, Jeremy.”

“I know I get it, man. I’m not gonna cry or anything,” He smiled and the world felt right again with Jeremy’s beaming face looking back at me.

“Sorry, I just felt a need to explain…” I did the thing where I trail off again.

“You’re such a fucking girl, dipshit,” Jeremy snorted.

The rain had stopped, the sky was clear again. I squinted into the emerging sunlight. Somehow every time the sun rose after the earth was covered in pools of rain-water, it always made me feel sick rather than happy. I faltered again, ‘dipshit’ that I am, “I just, you know, you’re a great friend…and it’s not that I don’t want to listen to you, and I know you care,” Jeremy grunted, “it’s just that I can’t seem to stop myself…even though I feel stupid now that I think about what I did,” I groaned for effect and realized I did feel stupid, “When I see him again it-it-it’ll all go away…you know?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Jeremy said but I knew he felt completely otherwise. He too peered out into the sunny sky, “You should go now, it is your lunch period, you know?”

I groaned again, “I don’t care.”

Jeremy paused, “Why are you such a rebel and so anti-social despite the fact that you don’t shut up when you’re with people you know?”

“Fuck off.”

“No, really…”

“I don’t know…I don’t like making new friends,” I said truthfully.

“Yeah, I don’t like making friends, period.” Jeremy shrugged.

I rolled my eyes, “Right…”

“You’re my only friend,” Jeremy said softly but loud enough so I could hear him. I turned to look at him casually, not in surprise because I honestly wasn’t surprised. There was that look in his eyes that I saw so rarely. Something that could be defined as tenderness, I realized. In Jeremy’s own way.

He really was such a kind person despite that hard front and the arrogance he liked to portray when dealing with most people. He was just…just always there. Like a rock, my rock. He’d become my go-to person.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

His sexuality was so prevalent that it almost radiated off him. It didn’t bother me at all. He was just Jeremy to me.

Just Jeremy.

I realized we always talked about me, always. Always! Jeremy seemed only to be concerned with me. He always listened to me and helped me. He never forced me into doing anything and never forced his opinion on me. He always put me first. The selflessness of his nature in dealing with me was enough to make me feel ashamed at my lack of regard and care of him.

I was only ever concerned with me. Kyle was oh-so-special and who cares about anyone else, right? That was me, the oh-so-sensitive gay male who everyone relied on.

“Jeremy, am I a bad friend?” I asked casually.

He frowned and looked up at me in surprise. I noticed his how long his dark hair had gotten. “No, you’re not,” he answered immediately.

“I like your hair like this, “I said and reached out to touch it. I expected him to grab my hand before I could reach the dark chocolate tresses. I was in for a surprise when he let my fingers sift through the strands. His expression was impassive, almost bored, but his eyes had softened and I recognized that expression. He really was beautiful; his face was all lean planes and golden skin. His eyes were such a startling grey, sometimes I swore they glinted silver.

I felt guilty though, and dragged my hand back. The look in his eyes made me feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t unpleasant; it was like the sun hitting my face with utmost gentleness and warmth. It made me want to bask in its warmth. It was Jeremy. It was right.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a low voice despite being unsure what I was even apologizing for. For being a terrible and selfish friend, I guess.

Jeremy laughed, “It’s okay, doofus, even though I have no idea what I’m forgiving you for.” He considered me slowly, tilting his head. “It really is you know, okay I mean,” he added as if he knew exactly what I was thinking about.

I looked way from his direct silver gaze again uneasily. Why did my friends even put up with me?

“It’s stopped raining,” I said, “And the bell’s probably rung already. I should go but I don’t wanna. Thanks by the way.”

“No fucking problem,” Jeremy rolled his eyes, “Someone has to make sure you haven’t gotten yourself killed by now. I nominate me.”

“Shut up, Ryan will be fine-.”

“As if I care about that asshole.”

Jeremy was the strangest person I think I knew. I could predict Laura’s response to my situation easily. She’d be upset with me and tell me how wrong I was and the fastest way to do the right thing and make everyone happy once more. Josh, from the vague idea he’d received, had found it fun and said Ryan needed it and encouraged me. Even if he had known some of the more intimate and emotional details, Josh was just one of those guys. Even he was aware of the imminent immorality of the act. Jeremy however was on a pedestal of his own. He did not disclose his views morally. Right, wrong, scruples, morals all be damned. He simply worried about my well being as if I was not doing something wrong. He didn’t want me getting hurt! As if I was somehow a victim and not the one victimizing.

“Well you should, and you would if you had any morals,” I replied testily.

“Well I don’t,” He said. “I don’t care about him or morals or whatever, in fact I didn’t even think of any of that. I just don’t want you doing something stupid and deliberately causing problems and even pain for yourself.”

“What are you my mother?”

“Fuck yeah; I’m your god-damned mother. Your mom jokes will be a hoot now,” Jeremy snorted.

“Shut the hell up, asshole. And watch your language.” I admonished.

“Pfft, shut the hell up? Asshole? I digress…”

“Where’d you learn that word?” I asked, feigning astonishment.

“Well since I’ve been celibate for a while now I’ve picked up a few books.”

I laughed. “Celibate, huh?”

He shrugged, “Hey even the best of us can get over-sexed.”

“Over-sexed!” I snorted with laughter, “Damn, Jeremy you’re just…wow…”

“That’s what your mom said last night,” Jeremy said, straight faced.

We looked at each other; we stared; we burst into laughter.

When we’d calmed down and stopped laughing (Jeremy had to thump me on the back because I was laughing so hard I began choking), we wiped tears of mirth from our eyes and he gave me an ultimatum: “You get out of this car now, or you stay put and we go do something boring.”

I didn’t need to think, “Fuck class; let’s go!”

“Atta boy,” Jeremy laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“This is probably the longest time I’ve spent doing nothing in a car…” I murmured, and then snapped to attention. “Enough about me,” I grimaced, “Let’s talk about you for a change.

“Uh…we can do that later.” Jeremy told me.

“Fuck you,” I squinted evilly.

“Sure?” He said, chuckling.

I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go to your house for a change,” I said. If Jeremy was surprised he was certainly great at not displaying it. We drove to his house in silence and I wondered whether Jeremy had school or not. When I asked him, however, he simply told me he had spares all at the end of the day and no classes so he was free. I nodded and we drove in relative silence to his house, bantering here and there as was usually the case with us.

Jeremy’s house was in a nice neighbourhood. The grey stones and white front door were pleasant to view. Inside it was decorated tastefully but in understated and muted tones of pale cream and lilacs. Everything had an air of freshness. It was as if someone sprayed a tankard of febreeze into the house, resulting this light and pleasant smell minus the nostalgia a whole tankard of febreeze would probably entail. It was strange to picture Jeremy in this light and airy home but after watching TV and lazing around with him for a bit, it wasn’t so odd.

When I got hungry, Jeremy grunted and got up to go make me something. He was surprisingly adept in the kitchen and clearly knew what he was doing and where everything was. I sat at the kitchen counter and watched him with avid interest. He chopped up tomatoes and onions and threw them in a bowl with a few eggs cracked in it. He threw in some thyme and other spices and things I could not for the life of me recognize. Then, he proceeded to fry the omelettes and the most delicious aroma spread through the kitchen as the cheese melted.

“God, that smells sooo good!” I exclaimed as he threw the first one onto a white plate.

It reminded me of the crazy time Josh and I had decided to cook pasta. My parents hadn’t been home and we’d been hungry. I think it was a Friday and there was nothing good in the fridge (my parents bought groceries on Saturdays), we had no money or transportation and so we decided to cook pasta. While we set the pasta in the pot on the stove to boil and took out a can of mediocre pasta sauce to heat up, Josh ran out and I followed him immediately after. We ended up playing for ages outside and by the time we came back in, the house was filled with smoke, my parents had just come in through the door, and the pot of pasta was blackened and charred. After a scolding and lecture, we’d laughed so hard and eaten the eggplant parmesan my mother made us.

Jeremy grinned at me and showed off by flipping the omelette only holding onto the handle of the pan. I rolled my eyes at him. “We’ll see how great you are when I taste it,” I told him smugly, and I was clearly not expecting the omelette to taste as good as it ended up tasting. I had to eat my words after I took one single bite and the hunger kicked in with the morsel like it does sometimes.

“Okay, this is pretty good,” I told him evenly, taking another bite.

“Of course it is, I’m a fantastic cook,” Jeremy shrugged.

“Since when?” I wondered.

Jeremy laughed, “I’ve always been able to cook,” he told me, “Ever since I was little, I’ve had to take care of myself here and there and that means knowing how to feed myself.” Jeremy laughed and his eyes sparkled despite his words. Again, I wanted to know more about his past but that would come in time I suppose. I didn’t feel right questioning him suddenly, despite our swift closeness. Instead I decided to share the ridiculous story of my one major cooking endeavour. Jeremy was not impressed and proceeded to show this by laughing so hard he almost choked. I couldn’t help but join in and eventually merely the sound of the other’s laughter caused the hilarity to continue.

The sound of my phone ringing jarred me from my hysterical outburst and our voices slowly faded off, ending with slight wheezing. I looked down at the screen and grinned, “Speak of the devil,” I said before answering. “Hey Josh, we were just talking about you.”

“Whatever…wait who’s we?” Came his deep and impatient voice, “And where were you? I didn’t see you at lunch, Laura missed you.”

I rolled my eyes. Laura would not miss me because of one lunch missed, but clearly Josh was all macho male. “Jeremy and me,” Jeremy mouthed ‘Jeremy and I’ to which I rolled my eyes and continued, “And I was with him and decided to ditch.”

“Fuck you, you could have found me. Wait…good that you didn’t,” Josh seemed much less enthused now. “Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to chill now school’s out. You could also help me with Biology but you’re busy.”

“It’s just Jeremy,” I grinned at Jeremy’s frown at the word just and he gave me the finger. “Anyway, why don’t you come over here, I’ll give you the address. Have Laura drive you down or something.”

“No thanks.”

“What? Why?” I asked, surprised.

“Well…” I could picture him shifting uncomfortably, his voice lowered an octave, “It’s just that…and don’t laugh asshole…Jeremy gives me the creeps.”

I did the unforgivable and burst into instantaneous laughter. Josh began cursing on the other end. “Chill, chill,” I chuckled. “No,” he said, “He was hitting on me at the dance and trying to dance with me. It was slightly disturbing.”

This made me laugh even more. “Nah, Jeremy’s harmless,” Jeremy pouted at this, “He hits on anything attractive. He’s kind of a whore; I mean he even hit on me when we met.” To which, Jeremy had no choice but to shrug and accept it with a wave of his hand. I smiled at him and he grinned back, eyes glinting in that way of his again.

“Oh…yeah, well it’s not like I’m worried or anything. Just, you’re sure, you know? That he’ll leave me alone and stuff?”

“And stuff,” I agreed, grinning widely still.

“Okay, I’ll bother Laura and get her to bring me. She can stay too right?”

I laughed, “You need protection?”

“Fuck off, Kyle.”

“Yeah, she can stay, no question about it. Right, Jeremy?” To which Jeremy nodded enthusiastically, being a Laura lover entirely. After I hung up, Jeremy threw a pillow at me, informing that was for all the shit I said about him. Both of us were aware that most of it was true but he played wounded friend and I played along.

Half an hour later, Laura and Josh, were standing on the doorstep. When the door was flung open, Jeremy immediately embraced Laura in an enthusiastic hug. One could almost call it over-enthusiastic. Josh was slightly taken aback but hid it well as he cleared his throat and gave me the classic pat, half-arm hug. I don’t get what it is about Laura that made both Jeremy and Ryan got in league with her so fast. Perhaps it was her latent hotness and lesbian “tendencies” that would in general attract any normal teenage boy with blood in his veins, but in this case I think it was some form of animal magnetism. For Jeremy I think it was a mixture of both, being the highly abnormal person he seemed to be.

The rest of the day was spent mainly goofing off, playing video games, drinking lightly, watching a movie which I can’t seem to recall now. By the end of the evening, Josh seemed to be at ease with Jeremy, who for the life of him had gained yet another friend. However, whether those feelings of friendship were reciprocated, I had no idea. There was just something about him.

I sat back with my friends happily, all laughing and having fun and felt a slight twinge of regret. Maybe I even felt guilty. How blessed I was, I had great parents—parents who wouldn’t abandon me no matter what, I was sure—that I needed to appreciate more. I had four very good friends: Josh, Laura, Nathan and Jeremy. I had so much to be happy for and so little to complain about and yet I spent a lot of time complaining for my misfortunes.

When Jeremy took me home that night, I was pensive and hushed. I left the car quietly and talked to my parents for a while. Afterwards, when I lay in bed, I thought about where I stood and wasn’t happy at all but still I felt like being selfish. Who cared how I got Ryan as long as I had him, right? Had him to touch and feel. But what sort of touching was this? Feverish,hungry,passionate, sure. No one complained once our clothes were off and skin pressed against skin.

At the end of the day, it was wrong and I knew that. I was not only being immoral in my actions, I was hurting someone I claimed to care for, however reluctantly acceptance for that fact came. When he was in front of me, it was so easy to forget right and wrong.

So easy.

It was so simple to lay the blame on his actions and claim that he did it to me first. As if that was a form of justification!

Why do we hurt?

Why do we knowingly cause pain?

It’s because we’re selfish creatures. Ha, even that is an excuse. What a pitiful human being I was. Pitiful and human being; I apologize, redundancy is a hereditary problem.

I wasn’t a vindictive person, not at all. Everyone has some streak of vindictiveness in them, however small. I’d let my anger fuel me into making the decision of having sex with Ryan. I’d allowed the fact that he’d done the same thing to justify the correctness of my own act. And when I’d been in front of him, that anger, that frustration, those tamped up feelings, emotions, the lust and desire had all taken form and burst out of me. It wasn’t something I’d normally do at all but when you lock things up, they have a way of tumbling out in the most ridiculous fashion at times.

The anger was gone though, the frustration and all the restrictions I’d put on myself were gone too. I’d taken it all out in a primitive manner, and maybe I could think straight again. Perhaps Jeremy had contributed to this. Yet, even though the negativity and the ugly anger I’d fuelled my actions with were gone, it wasn’t easy to think of stopping what I’d begun. All for different reasons though.

Even as I began to drift off that night, the weight of my actions were pulling me down and it made me feel as though I were sinking into a pool of jelly that slowed my movements down. I wished it were water instead.

~*~
It was so easy.

I slid him down onto my bed and straddled his thighs. I kissed down his jaw line and ran my tongue along the curve of his throat, finding the spot I knew would elicit a sharp intake of breath. There was no resistance from him. It was inconceivable to think I was blackmailing him into doing this with me. I already knew he wanted me though. He’d stopped fighting it himself, fighting his impulses and desires. In my dreams, I imagined he’d stopped fighting the will to hate me and push me away as well. I dreamt he’d accepted his involuntary and rather unexplainable thirst for me.

The way his big hands gripped my hips made it easy to imagine all was normal and well. He ground his hips up, subsequently rubbing his large trouser covered cock between my straddled legs. It was my turn to gasp and arch my back like a lithe cougar. He took the opportunity to drag my shirt up past my nipples and pinch them the way he liked; the way I liked. I moaned and I knew what that sound did to him. He spun us around, surprising even me.

Our eyes met. I stared into the deep pools of his big eyes and what stared back at me was different from the usual animosity. I reached out and placed a hand on his cheek, almost reverently, stroking lightly. He leaned into the touch, closing his eyes, and my heart melted. He moved so his mouth lay against the palm of my hand and I felt the ghost of a kiss, feather-light against the smooth skin.

No words had been spoken between us. Not all day. Not even when my eyes met his across the hall and he turned swiftly to leave the school. Not even when he waited in his car for me silently and we drove to my house. Not when we walked upstairs, him ahead of me and stopped in front of my bedroom door. I’d opened it and we’d stood there for a few silent minutes. Then I’d walked over to him and we’d simply looked at each other.

So much had changed since the day he’d claimed to blackmail me. It had then lead to a slow and budding friendship. Then even that had been cut off before it had a chance to bloom. Afterwards: animosity, anger, hate, and jealous. All the ugly emotions had filled the relationship. And now? What was this? I’d been quiet all day today. I hadn’t talked very much and been in thought for the majority of it, but this felt right. However sick it was…

I moaned low in my throat as his tongue lapped at my pink nipples. The guy just couldn’t seem to get enough of them. What was this? What exactly were we doing? A feather light kiss against my chest and a finger still plucking at my nipple. Why couldn’t we stop?

It had changed again, this ever-changing relationship. Greed, selfishness, desire, it consumed us again, had consumed me again. And yet even then, I couldn’t stop wanting more of him. We hurt each other with every step we’d taken thus far, each in turn. Both of us had been selfish. But what was so wrong with this? Dirty felt good. I moaned as his mouth closed around my throbbing and drooling member. Greed was irresistible. Another moan as his tongue lapped hungrily at my cock and I begged him to take it in his mouth. Not in words, never in words. Words were for the sane, words were for the right of mind and principle, words were for the kind and gentle-hearted, the selfless souls that lived with morality.

I groaned my pleasure to him and he mirrored it. He told me archaically what it did to him and showed me by actions that he wanted to please me. It was older than old, a language that was constantly defined in trashy romance novels as the language of love.

Was there not beauty in this also? Beauty in this hunger, in this desperate act of fulfillment. I fisted my fingers through his hair, as tension wound through me. He looked right at me while his lips wrapped themselves around my cock. He was beautiful. Forget the ocean and romance, this was beautiful. This was real, and I’d rather dip my feet into this ever-consuming need than the ocean any day.

It was so different from the other times we’d been together; especially since I’d restarted this physical activity between the two of us. He was so beautiful and I wished he were mine. It hurt that he couldn’t be. Where was the anger and hate? Where was the hurt and betrayal? The greed I could recount, the selfishness I kept close.

Ryan was different, but I daren’t question it. I just took and took and took, selfish human being that I was. Again, the redundancy was slightly baffling.

When I came hard into his mouth and he swallowed every drop, all the while staring up at me with those breathtaking eyes of his. Looking into his eyes like that made me want to come all over again. As soon as I’d recovered, he was stroking me to full hardness again. I didn’t question anything, I didn’t dare. I may have been aggressive by starting this but I knew when to keep my mouth shut and that aggressiveness was more or less just gone. There was no fight left in me. I just wanted, no, needed him badly.

I wanted him in me, and I looked into his eyes, refusing to speak still, trying to silently convey to him that which I needed. Speech was over-rated anyway. When insanity hits you, speech is far from being a worry.

He understood, he understood, somehow he understood.

He felt me, he felt me, somehow he felt me.

He raised a hand to my face this time, but didn’t stroke it gently like I’d done his. Face to face, he leaned my head up and leaned his own down to meet my lips in a slow, sucking kiss. I was greedy for his tongue and I sucked on it till he moaned into my mouth and nudged my entrance with his finger, sliding one, then two into me.

He eased in and then slowly increased in his pace with each stroke, eventually causing me to gasp each time and lean back from his mouth as the ability to suck on his delicious tongue left me and wave after wave of pleasure rocketed through the points in my body. His lips rested against my collar bone as he worked his fingers into me. I clutched at his shoulders hard, and raised my face for a kiss. He complied and sucked my tongue into his mouth and then nibbled on my bottom lip till it was slightly swollen. He kissed to kill, he nibbled to annihilate.

When he finally filled me with his cock, he rested his weight as he looked at me, kissing me till I felt drugged and weak. I loved the sensation of his cock filling me; I wanted him to stay there, locked in above me. He fucked me slowly, torturing me. He fucked me deep, slow and filling me to the hilt. He fucked me hard and fast, tunnelling into me and making me moan. He occasionally got distracted by my nipples and stopped to take a bite, but he made me come so hard, I felt the spasms in my body for a long time after. He emptied into me, but didn’t remove his cock. He stayed there, buried in me for a while, his forehead resting against my chest, the both of us breathing heavily.

And when I fell asleep, there was no jelly. There was only water, but I still sank into it.

Jeremy was right, it hurt.

~*~