Promise - 1. Story

Promise
by Anyta Sunday

Salt water rushed into my mouth. The sea fought against me, choppy, cold. Treading water, one mile out from the peninsula, I coughed and cleared my lungs. It seemed nothing wanted me to get to the island, the lighthouse, to Lucas.

It felt like I’d been at this hours already, but it couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes. I needed to hurry, get there faster in case he left thinking I hadn’t done it. Thinking I didn’t care. Which I couldn’t blame him for. I’d kept my feelings for him bottled up too long. Had been ashamed. Had pushed him for trying to hold my hand.

I gritted my teeth at the image of his hurt face, the wince as I’d extended my arm only to help him back up. Using my legs to do most of the propelling, I pushed myself further, cursing the thick will of the waves. Slap! Slap! Slap! Not the only fists on me today. Tomorrow I’d be blue. It wouldn’t matter though, if he were there.

I yelled at myself to keep going. And faster. But I was weakening. One third done, and I felt myself failing. I cried as the ache in my shoulder worsened.

“Cocksucker!”

I shouldn’t have closed my eyes when Dad said that. Maybe then I would’ve seen it coming. Could have dodged. Mom just watched him, and when the blood started coming she turned her back. The salty sea liked to remind me of that particular sting.

I kicked harder, anger giving way to momentum. But the burst of energy failed me as I gulped another mouthful of water. I gagged.

“Promise?”Hope had soaked Lucas’s voice. A voice I couldn’t get enough of hearing.

“Promise.”

His beautiful blue eyes, the dimple etched into the side of his cheek, his large smile. His him-ness. I battled on. I would get to the island. There was no going back. The sea would have to swallow me to stop me.

Straining every muscle I had, I crossed the half-way mark. Just a bit further, just a bit more, then I could touch him. Tell him. Show him how much he meant to me.

“Tell yours, I’ll tell mine,” he’d said, his hope dominant as he looked into my eyes, searching for the things I still hadn’t told him. “Then we’ll meet midday tomorrow.”

I’d wanted to open myself up right then and there. Wanted to give him more than sweet nothing kisses. But even yesterday I was still too scared. Just needed a bit more time.After we’d done it, I’d tell him.

“Where?”

“Half-way of course.”

I’d looked out his bedroom window overlooking the bay and chuckled. “Okay, Sone Island it is then.”

“Perfect. That’s a forty minute swim in good weather.”

But it wasn’t. Black clouds laced the sky with the promise of rain, and a cool wind whipped at the water’s surface. And I’d been out here much longer than forty minutes. It’d already passed midday. I’d been late getting to the wharf. I intended to catch up in the swim of my lifetime. How could I not? I was free. Light. And I’d be seeing him again soon. I was so sure I’d get there on time.

Please don’t have left. Please believe in me. Tears streamed down my face, and the sea washed them away like they didn’t happen. Like they didn’t matter. I didn’t deserve his faith. I’d hurt him bad. Not the grazes on his palms, the real, deep kind in the gut.

I cursed at the water, at my parents, at myself. I should’ve at least told him. I was exhausted, and numb. What if I didn’t make it? He’d never know. If only I had never hurt him. Hadn’t kept pushing him away and pulling him back again. Then even without the words he’d know. But I hadn’t…

“I can’t wait until we’ve told them.”Lucas had said as we strolled across the beach, looking out to Sone Island. “You will meet me there, right?” The hairs on my arms rose as he came closer. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

A couple of boys from school emerged from the water carrying their giggling girlfriends. I wanted us to turn around so they wouldn’t see us, but Lucas hadn’t seen them and mistaken my nudge for play. While I may have been ready to out myself to my parents, the whole school was another matter. One I was hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with. We only had a few months left anyway. We could scrape by without drawing too much attention to ourselves.

Lucas, glassy-eyed, looked away from Sone Island, and grabbed my hand. His timing couldn’t have been worse. Four other sets of eyes were on us. I panicked. I shoved him to the rocky ground. The moment my hand left his, the moment his side bashed onto the rocks, the moment he looked up at me with watery eyes, I hated myself.

And then I offered him my hand. He winced. It was as sharp as a knife to my own gut. I scanned the beach for the boys, in fear they might try something. They were closer now, but didn’t seem to be paying us much attention. Then one boy turned around, and—I didn’t know him. They weren’t from our school. Weren’t even from our school!

Sorry, sorry, sorry,I screamed in my head as if Lucas would hear the words and forgive me. He pulled himself up, took one look over my shoulder at the island, and turned away. I called out his name, but it came out barely a whisper, lost in a breeze…

The memory pushed me further; arms sliced through water. The island looked closer. Maybe half a mile left? Close. So close. I scanned the rock for him, but my eyes blurred, only the white lighthouse discernable, and even that was fuzzy.

My heavy limbs struggled. The pain had subsided in my arm, replaced with a growing numbness. Like pins and needles over my entire body. I could hardly feel myself anymore. Minutes went by, and even more minutes, still the island didn’t get any closer. I flipped onto my back, kicking my legs as much as I could.

Had the clouds descended? They seemed closer somehow. Drops of water splashed on my face, in my mouth. For a second I wondered if it would be the last thing I tasted. No! I’d promised. With urgency I kicked and thrashed my arms, determined to get there.

Cramp seized my calf. Another wave hit against me, stronger than the others, or perhaps I was just weaker. It pulled me under, it’s grip strong. But my will was stronger. I kicked to the surface, and gasped in air. Just one arm and then the other. One arm and then the other.

A sharp rock scraped across my knee. With the pain, it brought relief. I was nearly there. The waves grew in their terror, smashing against me as they broke. But I was so close. I positioned myself on an upcoming wave, trying to keep stiff. Praying it would carry me the rest of the way.

“Don’t even think about coming back here. You’re nothing to us now.”If they’d accepted me, if Dad hadn’t have hit me, I would have got to the wharf as planned, would have been fit enough for the swim. Would have arrived on time.

Was he still here? On all fours, I inched myself to the shore and coughed up water. The rock island was not much bigger than a baseball field, and I scoured it for signs of him. Where was he? I tried pulling myself higher up, away from the waves lapping at my feet. My body refused to budge. I just needed to rest. Just for a minute.

My eyelids drooped, and I relished the feel of closing them, letting numbness overtake me entirely. A bird called in the distance. What a lovely voice it had, so familiar and comforting. The ground began to slip under me. Was the sea dragging me back in? Claiming me for a prize? I commanded my body to move, to get away from its grasp, but it held me firmly.

I put my head down and cried. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Time warped, it seemed to take hours for the sea to finish me. There came that bird call again. Hey-hey, hey-hey, hey-hey.

I strained to open my eyes. Everything was fuzzy. “Hey-hey. You’re all good now, John. You’ll be fine. I’ll keep you safe.”

Warmth flooded me as I stared back at my Lucas, tightly wrapped around me. “Lucas? Where are we, what happened?” I croaked. He nestled closer to me, both of us naked under a blanket. He smelt a mix of sea and aftershave, and I dug my nose into his neck. My Lucas.

“I found you just lying there,” he said, his voice squeaky and his back heaving with sobs. “You were so cold. I needed to share my body heat with you to get you better again. We’re inside the lighthouse.”

He hugged me, his fingers pressing hard into my sides. And I was hugging him back, holding him even harder. He lifted his head and looked into my eyes.

“Lucas,” I whispered. I love you, I love you, I love you. “I—”

“I know.” He bent closer, his next words tickling my lips. “And I love you too.”

We kissed again, soft and sweet, kind and caring. And this one made all our others come to life. Gave them real meaning; sweet nothings to beautiful somethings.

“How?” I asked him, studying his beautiful face. “How do you know I love you?”

He pressed his lips against mine once more. “Well, you’re here, aren’t you?”

© 2010 Anyta Sunday

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