Pleasurable Pain - 1. Chapter 1

I regret throwing you away the first time,
Can you forgive me,
I was going through a good patch.
But I need you now,
and the panic of trying to find another,
Hurt more than any pain you could cause me.

I can see reflections in this one,
Clean; sharp edges glint up at me.

A thrill of pleasure tingles through me as I draw if down my body,
Calming the reminders of my other flaws,
I need to focus on my task at hand,
Otherwise the pain won't feel as good.

My thigh itches,
Screaming out and begging me for it.
I draw it lazily across,
Barely making a mark.
I have to pick the correct spot;
otherwise the pain won't be as bad.

Taking a few deep breaths,
I let the thoughts take over.
Every monster, every failure,
the hatred and rage I feel inside blind me,
until my hand slips and loses its grip.

I see the blood first,
then it half sticking out of my skin.
Slowly, not noticing they are shaking,
I wipe my hands clear.
Prying the skin further open on either side,
I can see the flesh beneath before the blood starts seeping.

Flexing my thigh makes it jump slightly where it's lodged.
I can't feel the pain, the itching has finally receded,
and the pleasure makes my heart race with excitement.

Pulling it out and the blood starts to flow.
The clean-up is my favourite time,
Every wipe to my skin revives the pain,
The sting from the cream,
The pressure from the bandage.

Collapsing into bed from an exhausting session,
running my hand down my leg,
pulling at the bandage to see the blood seep through,
it makes me feel.
I'm not proud of what I've done,
I hate what I have to do, I need to do it,
but at least I get to fall asleep tonight.