Till We Die - 2. Part 2

The week went by quickly and my spirits were high. That changed on Friday, when I lost my day job unexpectedly. Not knowing what else to do, I just went home. Jesse was lying on the couch when I walked through the door.

"Hey." I said.

"Hi. Why are you home so early?"

"I just got fired."

"From your job?"

"No, out of a fucking cannon." He laughed.

"Sorry, I just took a nap. Why were you fired?"

"My boss's cousin was released from prison and needed a job."

"He must've known that for a while, why didn't he give you a heads-up?"

"His cousin was supposed to work somewhere else, but that fell through in the last minute."

"Well, maybe now you'll find something better, which shouldn't be very hard."

"I hope so. Could you please help me look?"

"Of course. Let's go."

We went to our room and sat down in front of Jesse's computer.

"What kind of job are you looking for?" he asked.

"Anything, as long as it pays enough."

"Anything? Well, you could give homeless guys blowjobs in exchange for empty soda cans...No?" I grinned and shook my head.

"I think I can do better than that."

"I don't know, I've been looking for a decent job for you for a while now, without any luck."

"It doesn't have to be decent, I'd scrub toilets if I'd have to."

"I can't let you do that. How about you work for me, as my butler? You could carry me around and give me massages, uuhh, and dance for me in your underwear." I laughed.

"No thanks."

"Suit yourself."

We went through a couple of sites and probably over 100 ads, but most of it was shitty, so I ended up with only 3 appointments for interviews for the following week.

One very pleasant up-side of not having my day job was that I could spend a lot more time with Jesse. On Sunday we slept in and then lazed around on the couch for most of the afternoon. At one point I had to go to the bathroom and when I came back, he looked me up and down and frowned.

"Hey, have you gotten bigger in the last few weeks?" he asked.

"Yeah, a little, why?"

"I don't want you to get bigger." I sat down.

"Why not?"

"Cause it looks gross."

"You think I look gross?"

"No, not yet, that's why I want you to stay like this, or, if anything, to lose a couple of pounds."

"Alright." He frowned again.

"What? So you won't get bigger?"

"No, smaller, if anything." I said grinning and winked at him.

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"So I can just tell you whatever I want and you'll do it?"

"Sure, you're wearing the pants in this relationship, remember?" He looked at me sharply.

"Are you fucking with me? Cause I don't appreciate being fucked with."

"No, I'm not."

"Dom!" I laughed.

"Listen, let's say you'd grow a beard and I'd hate it and I'd ask you to shave it off, you'd do it, right?"

"If that beard were really important to me and if I had groomed it vigorously for months, then no, I probably wouldn't just shave it off and to ask me to do that would be kind of unreasonable and unfair in a way." I sighed.

"Is this about staying sober? Cause you don't have to if it's too hard for you."

"What? Why would you bring that up?"

"I just don't get it. Are you trying to pick a fight or something?"

"No, but why would you agree to train less just because I said so? That's totally freaking me out."

"Why the fuck would that freak you out?"

"Cause I don't want you to make sacrifices for me."

"But that's what you do when you're in a relationship, right?"

"Would you like to get bigger?"

"Sure, but I won't."

"And what do you get in return?"

"Your happiness."

"I can't accept that."

"Why not?"

"Cause it's wrong."

"And the other way around it wouldn't be?"

"No."

"What's the difference?"

"I'm not a good boyfriend, you are."

"That's bullshit, you're an amazing boyfriend."

"No, I'm not, I'm clingy and moody and I say stupid shit all the time and I'm constantly rude to you."

"You're not clingy, you like to be close, but so do I. You're not moody, you're emotional and I love that about you. You don't say stupid shit, you say funny shit and you're not rude, you're direct, which I appreciate. Don't you see, I don't love you despite all your character traits, but because of them. I love everything about you."

"You're just saying that."

"For fuck's sake Jesse, why is it so hard for you to accept that I love you just the way you are?" He looked down.

"I've never been good enough, for anyone, and I know I can be a handful, so I don't get it. Maybe you just tolerate all of my flaws, cause you're really desperate to have a boyfriend. But that can't last forever and I'm afraid that if you'd meet someone else, you'd suddenly realize that you're not that happy with me after all." he said quietly. I hesitated for a second, cause I was pretty shocked to hear him say those things.

"I can't believe you feel this way. You're completely wrong of course, but I don't know how to make you believe that, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all that."

"I'm glad you did, cause I had no idea how deep your insecurity runs. I'll try my best to constantly reassure you that I'm not going anywhere. For example, I'm not desperate to have a boyfriend, on the contrary, I'm scared to death to have one and to out myself, so if I wouldn't be convinced that you're very special, that you're worth it and that we could last, then we wouldn't be together, trust me. And sure I can see your flaws, but I don't just tolerate them, I embrace them, cause they make you who you are. And I'm at least as flawed as you are, but I choose to concentrate on my strengths instead of my weaknesses, you should too. Don't always be so hard on yourself, alright?"

"Ok...I'm sorry I'm so pathetic." he said sadly. I sighed.

"You're not...Do I have to shake you? Cause I will." He grinned a little.

"No."

"Come here. I can't kiss you yet, but I can cuddle the shit out of you. Maybe that'll help." He climbed on my lap and I closed my arms around him. He laid his head on my shoulder and started to stroke my chest.

"I love you, fluffy puff." I said grinning and he giggled.

"I love you too, poopsy."

We stayed like that for over an hour and then it was time for dinner. After we had eaten, I left for work.

The next day I had two job interviews. The first position was already filled when I got there, but it was at a burger joint, so I wasn't too disappointed. The second job was at a construction site. The interview went well, I convinced the guy that I was a hard worker and joked that lifting heavy shit was a passion of mine and that getting payed for it would be a dream come true for me. He seemed to like me and hired me on the spot. After going over some details with him, he send me home. When I entered the apartment, Jesse came out of our room and smiled at me.

"Hi, how did it go?" he said.

"Hi. I got the job, I'll start tomorrow." He walked up to me and wrapped himself around me.

"Congratulations, which job did you get?"

"The one at the construction site."

"You didn't have to blow the foreman to get it, did you?"

"No, I just had to piss on him. I thought it would be gross, but apparently it's my thing." He laughed.

"How wonderful." he said enthusiastically and I laughed.

"And what have you been up to?" He let go of me.

"I was searching for a website that sells hydrofluoric acid, you know, the kind that can dissolve a human body? By the way, how much do you weight?" I laughed.

"I don't know, 240 maybe."

"Holy shit, that's almost twice as much as me."

"Yeah, you're one scrawny bitch."

"Watch it or you'll get dissolved faster than you can say 'why does this taste funny?'"

"You'd need a forklift to get me into the tub."

"I can't dissolve you in the tub, hydrofluoric acid burns through metal. Don't you know anything?"

"Oh, I'm sorry that I don't have any serial killer knowledge. I probably shouldn't even ask, but how do you know so much about dissolving human bodies?"

"Let's just say my last boyfriend had a little accident."

"Should I be worried?"

"No, I'm still satisfied with our relationship."

"Relationship? This feels more like a hostage situation."

"Ha ha, we'll see how funny you are when you're a steaming bucket of goo."

"You know, if I'd kill you, I wouldn't even need acid, I'd just stuff you into an empty 'Pringles'-can and throw you in the trash."

"You're trash."

"Touché." He giggled.

"No, come on, say something sweet and maybe I'll make spring rolls for lunch." he said.

"Alright. You make me very happy, but I wish you'd have dandruff, so I could take some with me to work and then, whenever I get withdrawal symptoms from being away from you for too long, I could snort it like heroin." He giggled.

"Well, that's a little gross, but sweet nonetheless."

"Your turn."

"Ok. I'm so in love with you that I don't think Cupid just shot me with an arrow, it feels like he also gutted me with an army knife, replaced my insides with butterflies and then closed me up again with a staple gun."

"Do you hear voices that tell you to say shit like that?"

"That's a secret." he whispered eerily.

"You're starting to creep me out."

"I'm just messing with you Dom."

"Well, don't."

"Fine, I don't hear voices and I know about the acid from watching 'Breaking Bad'. There, does that put you at ease?" he said and rolled his eyes.

"I'd say something funny and slightly insulting, but I really want those spring rolls you were talking about."

"No, go ahead, I've already broken the glass to put in yours anyway." I laughed.

"How about I help you make them?"

"I was joking Dom."

"I know, but we'd be done faster and I'm kind of hungry."

"I don't think so, I've seen you with a knife before, you're cutting so fucking slowly, it's like watching someone defusing a bomb." I laughed.

"There must be something I can do."

"Just sit your ass down and tell me about your interview, I'll hurry, I promise."

"Alright."

It still took him 45 minutes to make the spring rolls, but I didn't complain, they were exceptional. After we had eaten, we washed the dishes together and then moved to the couch, where Jesse made himself comfortable on my lap.

"You know, it's been a week, maybe you're not sick anymore and we could kiss each other again. How are you feeling?" I said.

"Supercalafragilisticexpialidocious." he answered enthusiastically and I grinned.

"Wanna make out?"

"Meh." he said indifferently and I laughed.

"Let's do it then."

He quickly sat up and tried to get his arms around me, but when he turned, he elbowed me full force in the kisser. I frowned and groaned a little. He looked at me wide-eyed and covered his mouth with his hand.

"If you don't wanna make out, you could've just said so, you know?" I said grinning.

"No." he responded totally shocked.

"Relax, I'll live."

"I'm so sorry."

"Forget it."

"No."

He got up and hurried to the kitchen. He came back a minute later with some ice wrapped in paper towels. He handed it to me and I held it against my lip.

"Thanks." I said. He sat down next to me and looked at me guiltily.

"Does it hurt badly?" he asked sadly.

"No, it doesn't. So cheer up, please."

"How can I cheer up, I probably just gave you a fat lip...And now we can't make out anymore, at least not for a few days."

"Sure we can, we just have to wait a while till the bleeding stops."

"Oh my god, you're bleeding?"

"Just a little."

"I can't believe this."

"It's fine."

"No, nothing about this is fucking fine."

"Will you stop already? It was an accident, shit happens. It's even kind of funny, if you think about it."

"Yeah, so funny my eyes are starting to water." I sighed.

"Come here."

"No, you shouldn't try to console me, that's totally backwards...There's only one way to make this right again. You have to give me a fat lip too."

"You want me to hit you? Are you fucking insane?" I said sharply.

"No, it's only fair. Now come on, if you love me, you'll do it."

"That you would even think I could actually do that to you is fucking sad. And to challenge me like that is fucking despicable. If I love you? Well, I don't right now, so go fuck yourself, alright?" I said angrily. He blinked a few times and just starred at me dumbfounded. "I'll bring my stuff over to the guest room and then I'm out of here. See you tomorrow." I added and got up.

I packed my duffel bag, dropped it in the guest room and then left. I went to the gym and worked out a lot longer and harder than I should have, but I was fucking pissed off. When I came home at night, Jesse was waiting for me on the couch. I ignored him, got fresh clothes and took a shower. When I entered the guest room, he was sitting on my bed.

"Get out." I said coldly.

"No, Dom, I know I fucked up and I'm really, really sorry, ok?"

"Yeah, fine. Now leave."

"Please, I felt so guilty earlier that I wasn't thinking clearly. It'll never happen again, I swear."

"Listen, that's fair enough and all, but I need some time to get over this. I mean, the thought of hurting you sickens me, so for you to demand that I should hit you just really got under my skin and I'm still a little upset, so I wanna sleep alone tonight, alright?"

"No, I'm not leaving...I could blow you if you want."

"You're making it worse."

"Dom, please." I just shook my head sighing, took my pillow and blanket, went to the living room and I lay down on the couch. A couple of seconds later Jesse appeared, climbed over me, got under the blanket and snuggled himself against me.

"Jesse, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked frowning.

"Please don't break up with me." he said shakily.

"Why would I break up with you?"

"You said you don't love me anymore."

"I was mad, I didn't mean it. Of course I love you. How could you doubt that?"

"I was such a pain in the ass when I was sick and we haven't had sex or even made out in over a week and now this, what am I supposed to think ?" There was a pause. I was totally fucking stunned by this. "I'm so sorry Dom, please don't leave me, please." he said so fucking desperately that it made me feel like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest.

"Jesse, I'm never gonna leave you, ever, alright? I couldn't live without you anymore, you're everything to me."

"Ok." he said quietly, without looking up.

"Can I have a kiss?"

"No." he said sadly and I frowned.

"Why not?"

"Because of your lip, I won't kiss you as long as it hurts."

"It barely does."

"Still, I wanna wait till it's healed...But we could have sex." he said, lifted his head and looked at me expectantly.

"Not if we can't kiss."

"Please?"

"Why, so I won't change my mind about leaving you?"

"I don't know." he said sheepishly and lowered his head again.

"We've been over this. I'm not just with you for the sex. We could not do anything for a year and it wouldn't change how I feel about you. And you should know that by now."

"I'm sorry." I sighed.

"No...it's not your fault. How can I fix this?"

"You don't have to fix anything, I'm the one who fucked up."

"But I fucked up too, I shouldn't have pushed you away like I did, I should've seen how upset you were. It was insensitive. And the fact that you're doubting my love for you and my commitment, that's at least partially on me too. For now, let's just go to bed and tomorrow we'll start over, alright?"

"Ok."

We went to bed and fell asleep in each others arms.

In the morning Jesse was already awake when I opened my eyes and was watching me intently.

"Good morning beautiful." I said grinning and he smiled at me shyly.

"Morning gorgeous."

"You didn't assault me sexually while I was sleeping, did you?"

"Of course not." he said softly and stroked my chest. I frowned a little.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm better than alright, I woke up next to you, so I'm amazing." My frown deepened.

"You're not Jesse. What have you done with him? Jesse?!" I yelled the last part and he giggled.

"I'm right here."

"No, where's Jesse? You know, your evil twin, also answers to the name of 'Anti-Christ'?"

"You're so funny." he said smiling and ruffled my hair.

"Seriously though, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean. No spiteful comebacks, no insults or offensive comments. You're just...sweet. It's kind of freaking me out."

"Why would that freak you out? You deserve a boyfriend who's nice to you, so that's what I'll be from now on."

"But that's not who I fell in love with, so please don't pretend to be something you're not, especially not for my sake."

"Do you realize that you're basically calling me an asshole?" I hesitated. "It's ok, I am an asshole, but I'll try really hard not to be one anymore." he added.

"An asshole is someone who's arrogant, selfish and ruthless. You aren't any of those things, so you don't quality, not by a long shot."

"So what am I then? Cause I sure as hell ain't a saint." I thought for a second.

"You're a brat, but in the best, most lovable way possible."

"Not anymore." he said cheerfully and smiled at me.

"Come on, cut it out, please?"

"Just wait and see, maybe you'll like me a whole lot better this way."

"No, I won't." I said frowning. He just ignored me and carefully traced the lines between my eyes with his finger.

"Have you ever been told that you frown when you're sexy?"

"How long do you think you can keep this up?"

"For the rest of my life." he said determined and I grinned.

"No, I'm bound to say something stupid sooner or later and you're gonna make a joke about it, cause, well, you just can't help it."

"Watch me."

"Alright, let's see...Oh yeah, I'm terrified of toilet snakes."

"Aww, poor baby...What's a toilet snake?"

"You know, a snake that comes out of the toilet and bites you."

"You're not serious, are you?"

"I'm dead serious. My brother told me about them and since then I always flush the toilet before I use it and then try to be really quick."

"Your brother was messing with you Dom."

"No, think about it, it could totally happen."

"It's more likely that Santa Claus comes out of the toilet and bites you."

"Ha, there you go." I said grinning.

"What? No, that wasn't meant to be mean."

"It was a sarcastic comment, maybe it wasn't mean, but it definitely wasn't nice either."

"I'm sorry." he said sadly.

"I'm not. Now, I'm also terrified of ants." He giggled, but quickly pulled himself together.

"Why?"

"Cause they're fucking creepy. And I'm afraid that a bunch of them could crawl into my nose or ear and eat my brain while I'm sleeping." His eyes widened.

"Oh my god, you did not just say that!"

"I did. Any thoughts?"

"Please tell me you're joking."

"No, if I'd find ants somewhere in the apartment, I'd move out till an exterminator would get rid of them. It just wouldn't be save to sleep here anymore."

"No, that can't be true."

"I swear it is. I mean, even if they wouldn't kill me, they could pry open my eyes and blind me. They're very dangerous, you know?" He giggled again.

"Ok, ok, I give up."

"Let's hear it then."

"First of all, I wouldn't worry about ants eating your brain, cause obviously something has already beaten them to the punch. And second, who the fuck was your biology teacher? 'Winnie the fucking Pooh'? You should really keep this stuff to yourself Dom. I mean, holy shit."

"Yay, Jesse's back." I said smiling.

"You know, maybe I'm not that bad, maybe you just make me bad."

"I'm pretty sure you were born this way. And by born I mean, someone watched a fucked up tape and then you came crawling out of a TV." He laughed.

"No, I wasn't always like this."

"But then your parents fed you after midnight?" He laughed again.

"I love you." he said smiling.

"What? But I just made fun of you."

"Yeah, but you always come up with new jokes to make me laugh and I really appreciate that about you."

"It's my pleasure."

"Now, about ants. There is no reason whatsoever to be afraid of them, the nose and the ear are not directly connected to the brain, so they couldn't harm you that way. But even if they could, they wouldn't and they wouldn't try to eat your eyes either, that's just ridiculous."

"If you say so."

"Dom!"

"What? Do you expect all of my lifelong fears to magically disappear just because you said they're stupid?"

"Yes? Cause they are stupid, it's one of the most stupid things I've ever heard."

"Gee, thanks."

"No, come on, you have to admit, it's just totally crazy. And I thought you like it when I'm direct."

"Yeah, but I'm really fucking stupid and apparently crazy too."

"I'm sorry, ok? It's like you said, I just can't help it. Don't be mad, please?" he said quietly and started to stroke my chest again.

"It's fine, I'm not mad. I shouldn't have told you about the ant thing in the place."

"No, I'm glad you did, it's comforting to know that something's wrong with you too."

"Good for you." I said sarcastically.

"It is, it'll help me to be less insecure, don't you want that?"

"I guess."

"Ok, I'm sorry, let me make it up to you. How about I give you a nice, long massage?"

"No, thanks, you suck at that, in fact, you suck so fucking hard, you're like a black hole when it comes to giving massages."

"What? No...You suck, period."

"Hey, I was just being direct. And now we're even."

"We're so not fucking even, that was just vicious. And now I'm definitely gonna massage you, so I can practice for my new, much nicer boyfriend."

"I'd rather let you handcuff me to a heater for a couple of days, that would probably be more relaxing in comparison."

"I'm really that bad at it?" he asked sadly.

"No, of course not, I was just joking, I enjoy your massages very much."

"So I don't suck?"

"I really like being touched by you." He giggled and playfully slapped my arm.

"Dom!"

"You're not great, but you don't suck, alright?"

"What do I do wrong?"

"You're too gentle and what you're doing seems very erratic."

"I see. I'd try to copy your technique, but I'm always so incredibly relaxed when you massage me, that I can't concentrate on what you're doing. You could massage people for a living, you know?"

"I'm flattered, but I'd rather not have to look at and touch old guys all day long."

"But there could be hot guys too...Ok, now that I think about it, I forbid you to ever massage anyone except me, you got that?" I laughed.

"Yes, sir." He smiled and patted my head.

"Good boy. Now lose the shirt and lay down on your stomach."

"Only if I'll get a kiss first."

"No Dom, your lip has to heal first, it can't hurt when we kiss, not even a little bit."

"Why not? It would be totally worth it."

"Cause you'd get conditioned to associate kissing me with pain and after a while you wouldn't want to make out with me as much anymore."

"Conditioned? You better not mean like Pablo's dog, cause I might start associating you with being a dick."

"Yes, a little bit like Pavlov's dog, but there are different kinds of conditioning, like when you wake up right before the alarm goes off or when you salivate when you see or smell a pizza for example."

"Fine, my lip should be healed by tomorrow, then we can kiss again, right?"

"No, it'll take at least till Sunday."

"Come on, that's way too long, let's say Thursday."

"Saturday."

"Friday."

"Ok, but only if you let me massage you now."

"Alright."

"I'll get the lotion."

Jesse massaged me and after a long discussion he let me massage him too. We had breakfast and then I was off to work.

When I was back at night, Jesse came to the door and wrapped himself around me.

"Hi." I said smiling.

"I missed you so fucking much."

"Me too."

"Really?"

"What do you mean 'really'? Of course, you were all I was thinking about."

"That's good." He let go of me.

"Did you have a nice day?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess, as nice as it could be without you at least. I cleaned the apartment and washed your clothes for you. I also bought you a couple of sports-magazines and looked for a better job for you. And I've prepared spring rolls, so you can take them with you tomorrow and eat them for lunch."

"You didn't have to do all that for me Jesse."

"Yes I did. I need to be a better boyfriend and I will be." I sighed.

"For fuck's sake, you are a great boyfriend already, why can't you just fucking believe me?"

"I'm sorry." he said sadly and looked down.

"It's alright, let's just go to bed, so I can cuddle the shit out of you."

"Ok."

I showered and joined him in bed.

In the morning I woke up to an empty bed. It was still pretty early and when he wasn't back after 5 minutes, I went looking for him. I found him in the kitchen, squeezing orange juice. There were at least 10 little bowls with cut fruits on the counter and something was cooking on the stove.

"Good morning." he said, smiling brightly at me.

"Good morning. What's all this?"

"Breakfast? I've made porridge and bought all kinds of fruit they had in the store. Is orange juice ok or do you want something else?"

"I thought we talked about this."

"Are you mad?" he asked sadly.

"No, but please stop doing stuff like this for me, alright?" He walked over to me.

"But I really want to. It makes me feel better. Please?" he said and looked at me with pleading eyes.

"Jesse..." He wrapped himself around me.

"Please? At least till we can kiss again?"

"Fine." I sighed and he let go of me.

"Let's eat." he said smiling. I sat down and he served me porridge, coffee and orange juice.

"All this fruit is gonna spoil." I said.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about cutting it up like that, especially the water melon, I know you normally like to swallow them whole." I laughed.

"Yeah, I'm big, very funny, but you know what? You're so small, you have to carry a knife with you when you vacuum, so you can cut your way out of the dust bag in case you get sucked in." He laughed.

"Seriously though, we could eat some of it now, you could take some with you for lunch and I'll eat the rest myself."

"But you hate fruits."

"For you, I'd eat rotten garbage out of the toilet." he answered smiling. I shook my head a little and grinned.

"Alright, so what do you hate the most then? Or the least. That's probably easier."

"Bananas are ok, I guess."

"What about strawberries?"

"No, gross."

"Who the fuck doesn't like strawberries? It's like not believing in god or something."

"So you think I'm crazy? How crazy exactly? Being scared of toilet snakes crazy or being scared of ants eating your brain crazy?" I laughed.

"Fuck you. It just strikes me as peculiar, that's all."

"Where did you learn that word? Did you secretly read something? That's dangerous Dom, your brain could short-circuit and or even explode."

"Short-circuit this." I said and grabbed my crotch.

"You know what I love about you the most? How sophisticated you are. It's inspiring, really."

"Do you know what I love about you the most?"

"What?"

"Everything." I said grinning.

"Aww. Now I feel bad about making fun of you."

"Don't, I really enjoy it when you make fun of me.

"Maybe you're a masochist. How about you lick my shoes clean after breakfast, you worthless piece of shit?"

"You know, we should play a game where you can't talk for a whole day. We could call it 'the best day of Dom's life'." He laughed really hard.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Hey, by the way, we have new neighbors, they screamed at each other for hours yesterday evening." he said.

"Why didn't you go over there and tell them to shut the fuck up?"

"Well, I measured the noise level with my phone and it was within the legal range, so I couldn't really say anything."

"You can do that with your phone? That's amazing."

"Not really, but I guess you'd be impressed if I'd tie a thread to a plush mouse and drag it around on the floor." I laughed.

"Do you think this will ever get old? I mean, at some point we'll have to run out of joke about me being big and stupid and you being small and evil, right?"

"Maybe, but we're funny people, so I'm sure we'll find other things to make fun of. And I don't know about you, but I'm still having a blast."

"Yeah, me too."

"Come on, the porridge is getting cold.

"Thank you for this by the way."

"You're very welcome." We both smiled.

We ate as much as we could and then Jesse prepared 2 Tupperware containers with lunch for me. It was still very early, so afterwards we sat down on the couch and looked through the sports-magazines he had bought for me. He pointed at very muscular guy on every page and let me know how much less hot than me they were, it was adorable. When we were done with them, he climbed on my lap and we just stroked each other for a while and talked. It was a great morning and I was really happy. Unfortunately around 8 I had to go to work.

When I came home at night, Jesse was waiting for me on the couch.

"Hi." I said and smiled at him. He got up, but stayed serious, walked over to me and wrapped himself around me.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked concerned.

"I have to leave for a couple of days." he said sadly.

"Why, where are you going?"

"My mother called, they're selling their house and moving to an apartment, so they can no longer store all the stuff I've left behind. They want me to get it and help them move while I'm there."

"I thought they wanted nothing to do with you anymore, and vice versa."

"Sure, but they were driven out of their church, cause someone discovered that they have a gay son and they also made a couple of bad investments, which means that they now have no friends and no money, so they're desperate. I told them they can just burn my stuff and go fuck themselves, cause I'm done getting treated by them like a deviant, but my mother kept begging me to come and promised not to say a word about my 'condition'. She actually started to cry at one point, so I couldn't really say 'no' to her, but I made her swear on the bible that they'd behave while I'm there."

"I see. When do you have to leave?"

"Tomorrow morning. I've already rented a car and packed a bag."

"That really sucks."

"Tell me about it."

"But we can still talk on the phone every day, right?"

"Yeah, and could I take a shirt you've worn with me, so I can put it next to me on the pillow at night?"

"Sure, that's very sweet...You know, if you want it to remind you even more of me, you could stuff it with something made out of steel...like an anvil." He laughed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Don't shower, ok? Just come to bed with me, please?"

"Alright."

We went to bed and held each other till we fell asleep.

In the morning, after breakfast, he was gone. It felt weird being in the apartment without him. I made myself lunch and then went to work. When I came back at night, it really hit me that he wasn't there and that I'd wake up alone. He called the next morning and I was really fucking sad afterwards. On Friday we agreed not to talk till he was back, cause it was bumming us out too much. On Saturday, I missed him so fucking much, I could barely take it. I realized that he had become a part of my life that I couldn't live without anymore. I needed him. And I hated the fact that he still felt unsure about my love for him and that he thought I could leave him at any time. So I made a decision. I took my championship belt and went to a couple of pawn shops. I though it would be hard for me to sell it, cause it meant so much to me, but I did it for Jesse, so it wasn't hard at all. In the end I got 45 hundred for it, which was disappointing, but it was enough for what I had in mind.