Enough is Enough: Ending the Cycle of Abuse - 1. Part 1 of 2

In my head, I repeatedly asked myself the same question: Why do I keep taking him back? He’s never gonna change.

When I heard about women and men staying in an abusive relationship, I wondered what was wrong with them. How could they stay with someone who’d hurt them? Why didn’t they walk away from their abuser? It’s an easy thing to do to walk away in order to keep yourself from getting beat up or worse… killed. If I knew I was going to meet Jeffrey Harris, during our freshman year of college, I would’ve kept those thoughts to myself because soon, I would become one of those people.

I now lie curled up on the floor of our living room waiting for the fists to stop pummeling me. He ignores my cries to stop. Jeffrey said last time would be the last, that he wouldn’t hurt me again, I guess this makes him a liar and me an idiot for believing him, yet again. I don’t know what I did to set him off, but I do know, tonight will be the last time he puts his hands on me. I have to end this cycle of abuse for once and for all… even if that means that one of us dies.

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I first saw Jeffrey when he walked into our freshman English Lit class. I was awestruck by his presence. He had this air about him and I immediately felt drawn to him. Jeffrey at the time had his black hair in a ponytail. He wore a white t-shirt, which displayed a tribal tattoo on his upper arm, and jeans that accentuated his firm, round ass. He had on a pair of construction boots that clunked heavily with every step he took. All eyes were on him as he descended the stairs to choose a seat. Luckily, for me, he picked a seat two rows in front of me. I watched his back flex underneath his shirt whenever he moved. He was definitely a hottie. The professor took roll call and I waited to hear what his name was. I was beginning to think he would never call him. Then I heard it, “Jeffrey Harris”, and the ponytail guy raised his hand. I liked his name immediately. I could imagine calling his name in the throes of passion as plowed into me over and over again.

For the rest of the class, I was transfixed on him, so much so, I hadn’t realized the professor dismissed us. The bump of the person next to me brought me back to my senses as I saw Jeffrey look at me and smiled when he passed. I felt the heat creep to my cheeks at being caught looking at him. I put my head down and walked as fast as I could out the side door to get to my next class.

I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder causing me to jump and move from under the hand gripping me tight.

“Shit, what the fuck man?” I exclaimed before I had a chance to see who’d grabbed me. I gasped when I noticed him.

“Sorry,” the ponytailed guy said with a smile.

I stammered, “No problem. What do you want?”

“I’m Jeff. I wanted to introduce myself to you because I think you’re cute and wanted to ask you out on a date for this Friday night.”

“You wanna go out with me?” I asked shocked. I even think I pointed at myself when I asked the question. “What makes you think I’m gay?”

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate but I took a chance because I saw the way you were looking at me.”

Defensively, I asked, “How was I looking at you?”

Embarrassed, he put his head down. “Look, forget about it, man, I was obviously wrong.”

Jeff went to turn. “No, wait, don’t go. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off as a dick. I just wasn’t expecting to be asked out by someone who looks like you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeff asked upset.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sure you can have any guy that you want, and you’re asking me out. Why?”

“Like I said, I think you’re cute and I want to get to know you better. Think of it as getting a free meal with us being poor college students and all.” Jeff said wittily which caused me to chuckle lightly. “I want to go out with you. So, Friday night, are you game?”

Without hesitation, I answered, “Sure, Friday night, is good for me?”

“There’s one problem though.” He said seriously.

“What’s that?” I asked nervously.

“I don’t know your name.”

I slapped my hand against my head lightly and chuckled. “I’m Joshua.”

“Very nice to meet you, Joshua, let me have your cell.” He said taking his from his front pocket. I took mine out and we switched phones, inputting our name and number. “I’ll call you Thursday night to firm up plans. We’ll have fun!”

“That’s sounds good to me.”

With a nod, Jeff strutted away and I couldn’t help but watch his ass as he did. I freaked out the moment he was out of sight. I still wondered why he would ask me out. I was nothing to look at. I was a slightly chubby, five-foot-eleven nothing. At the time, I wore thick black framed glasses that hid my blue eyes. I kept my blonde hair in a faux hawk. I had a lip and tongue piercing. I was a dork. My life revolved around gaming, friends’, school, and work.

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Jeff and I went out on our date that Friday night. It was far from perfect. The restaurant lost our reservation. The first clue in his abuse I should’ve noticed was how he treated the hostess, but I wrote it off as him being upset because of the nonchalant attitude of the manager at the plight of our situation. After Jeff yelled and flipped them off, we opted to go somewhere else to eat. He fumed for a long time, which took away from our time together, and made me not like him all that much. Towards the end, I’d had enough and called an end to our date. Jeff became apologetic immediately. That was another clue into his behavior: quick with an apology.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I’ll stop acting like a dick. Come on. Let’s get some ice cream. We can walk on the boardwalk and get to know each other better.” Jeff said his grey eyes pleading.

“I don’t think so. It’s been a long night. I’ll see you Monday, okay?” I turned to leave but Jeff reached out and grabbed my hand lightly pulling me back.

“Please, don’t go. I really am sorry. I have a quick temper and it takes a while for me to cool down.”

I don’t even know why I stood there and thought about it. I should’ve kept walking and put an end to it but I didn’t because I fell for those beautiful grey eyes of his.

“Fine, I’ll go with you but I really shouldn’t do ice cream.” I told him. I take a step back from him. I’m embarrassed at why I can’t have the ice cream with him.

“Why not? Ice cream is good.”

“True, it’s the best thing ever created, but I’m diabetic." I mumbled. "I have to limit my sugar intake. I’ve already had some things this week I shouldn’t have had. If I have ice cream it might push my sugar level too high.”

Jeff looked shocked for a split second before his face softens. “No problem. We can still walk on the boardwalk without getting ice cream. Please. I swear I’ll be on my best behavior, scout’s honor.” Jeff smiled brightly when I laughed as he messed up the scout salute.

“I’ll go but you have to get ice cream. It’s not a problem if you want to some. It won’t bother me at all.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jeff said holding out his hand and I took it. We hit the boardwalk a few minutes later. All the shops and streetlights lit up the boardwalk; I’d never seen anything like it back home. The food vendors were shouting out to get us to try their food but we continued to walk with the bustle of people enjoying the warm night. Jeff got his ice cream but he opted for only a single scoop of his favorite flavor, salted caramel. He reminded me of a little kid the way his eyes lit up when he licked it for the first time.

The sight also sent a shiver through my body because it was so sexual for me. It had been months since I had sex. The last time was with my ex-boyfriend, Jensen, nearly three months ago, the night before he moved to California so he could go to college. I didn’t want our relationship to end because I knew we still loved each other. Jensen gave me a promise ring that night as a symbol we would find our way back to each other when the time was right for us. I look at it every night before I went to sleep. I hadn’t taken it off since he put it on my finger.

I was lost in my thoughts when Jeff’s voice broke through to me.

“Earth to Josh, earth to Josh, come in Josh.” He waved his hand in front of my face startling.

“Sorry, I was thinking about something.” I told him sheepishly twirling the ring on my finger. “Did you say something?”

Jeff smiled, “I asked, if you thought a lick would hurt your sugar level.” He held the cone out to me.

“No, I don’t think it would but I really shouldn’t chance it.” I replied regretfully.

“Okay, suit yourself.” He continued to lick the ice cream as we walked further from the noisy sounds of the boardwalk. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” I answered.

“What’s it like having diabetes?”

I intake a large breath before blowing it out slowly. “It sucks to no end sometimes like right now. I would've gotten a large sundae with every topping possible with extra gummy bears."

"How long has it been for you?"

I put my elbow on the back of the bench and cradled my cheek in my hand while looking at Jeff. "Well, the diagnosis came almost two years ago. It was so hard. I had to change how I ate and what I ate. I was skinnier than this believe it or not. The medication caused me to gain about thirty pounds but I’ve lost some of it. I was so self-conscience about it. My ex-boyfriend made it easier for me though.”

I caught a glimmer of something in his eyes but couldn’t place what I’d seen. “How did he do that?” Jeff asked biting into the cone.

“Jensen actually changed the way he ate so I wouldn’t feel alone. He cut back on his sweets and only ate them when I would.” I replied as we sat down a nearby bench. “It helped me out a lot.”

“That’s pretty cool you had someone who did that for you.” Jeff continued to eat the remaining bit of his ice cream. I watched him lick his full lips and wanting so bad to kiss them.

“Yeah, but he’s in California now. I have to do it on my own and that’s been the hardest thing for me to do without someone cheering me on.”

“Oh, you don’t need him to do that. I know I don’t know you very well but I can tell you have it in you to do it. You didn’t cave in when I asked if you wanted some.”

“Yeah but it’s a struggle for me still.”

We continued to talk, discovering we had a lot in common. We both come from large families, I have five siblings, and I’m the middle child, while Jeff has four and he’s the middle child too. We laughed hard and each denying we suffered from middle child syndrome.

It was nice getting to know this version of Jeffrey and not the asshole from a few hours ago. Before I knew it, I looked at my watch and realized we’d been talking for the past two hours.

“I hate to do this but I have to work tomorrow, I’ve got to get home.” I told him standing up.

“I had a nice time, Josh. I hope you’ll let me take you out again. I promise I won’t act like a jackass again.” He said standing up and looking down at me. He was only about three inches taller. It was different from Jensen who was four inches shorter than I am. I always wondered what it would be like being with someone taller and bigger. Jeff definitely fit that criteria.

I contemplated for a second but decided to go for it. What’s the worst that could happen I thought to myself?

“Yeah, I would like to go out with you again.” Jeff leaned in for a kiss but instead of on the lips, he kissed my forehead.

“I don’t think I’ve earned the right to kiss you, so I’ll settle for this for now.” Jeff said softly.

I thought it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me besides when Jensen told me he loved me the first time. Jeff took my hand in his again and we walked back up to our cars.

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We dated for six months’ blissfully before Jeff hit me the first time. He told me I’d embarrassed him in front of his friends, while we were at a party, when I danced with some random dude. Shell shocked, I left his apartment and refused his calls for almost a week. Jeff showed up everywhere he knew I’d be, trying to get me to give him another chance. The day I caved in, was the day that set the chain of events, which changed my life in a way I’d never expected it to go.

Jeff said he’s never done anything like that before and would never do it to me again. I accepted his apology and he stayed true to his word, he didn’t hit me again… for another six months. After that, it seemed Jeff was hitting me at least once every other week because he said I’d done something to anger him or to make him look stupid. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I did nothing to justify him putting his hands on me. Jensen never hit me and I never hit Jensen, I knew what it was like to be in a loving, committed, and non-abusive relationship, but I stayed with Jeff because I fell hard for him.

Soon, I started to think I deserved him hitting me. Jeff built me up only to tear me right back down when I started to think I deserved better. He even got on me about my weight knowing there was not much I could do but tried to keep myself from gaining more. The bruises were never in a place people could see them. Jeff was very good at taking body shots; he never let the bruises fade completely. They were daily reminders of the abuse I allowed to happen by staying with him.

Once, he told me I’d hurt his feelings, when I’d flinch when he wanted to put his arms around me. I had to apologize so he wouldn’t get upset at my involuntary reaction. How could he blame me? When we first started dating, I relished his hugs, because I loved being in his arms, but now, I’m unsure, if his touch would be affectionate or if he wanted to hit me. It was no way to live, but I endured because I truly loved my abuser. I knew Jeff loved me back because he told me he did. He showed me he did. I didn’t stay with him because of the sex, which was unbelievable by the way; I stayed because I knew I could get him the help he needed, and we could be together forever without him hitting me.

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We’ve been together now for five years. Jeff has completely alienated me from my family and friends. He forbade me from having any contact with Jensen once he learned we were still in contact with one another. He nearly broke my finger trying to get the promise ring from my hand. He took the ring throwing it in the garbage disposal. When he wasn’t around, I took the mangled ring hiding it away in an old box I placed into storage.

The worst of Jeff’s attacks left me with three broken ribs, a cracked tooth, a sprained wrist, a black eye, and a concussion. People had never seen the bruises he’d inflicted before that day but they’d seen them now. I had to lie for the first time by telling everyone that I’d fallen down the escalator at the subway station running to catch the train with me landing hard on the platform.

I wanted to reach out for help from my family but I didn’t think they’d help me after I severed ties with them shortly after graduating college. I slowly cut them out after my mom walked in on Jeff manhandling me in my room. If looks could actually kill, the look she gave Jeff would’ve caused him to drop dead on the spot. She was in between us in a heartbeat and glaring up at Jeff like a mama bear. She called for dad and he throw Jeff out and told him he was no longer welcomed and to leave me alone. I was relieved and anxious all at the same time. Relieved because someone finally knew what was going on with us. Anxious because someone finally knew what was going on. Mixed up about what I should do, I let Jeff convince me to leave with him later on that night.

My parents tried to get me to break off my relationship with him by issuing ultimatums. I knew they were coming from a loving place but my brain couldn’t allow me to see it. I told them to leave me alone. I changed my number and haven’t spoken to them for six months.

I miss them like crazy.

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I heard the front door open and close.

“I’m home, Joshie-baby. Oh, dinner smells good.” Jeff called out before appearing in the kitchen next to me. He kissed my forehead and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Hey, sweetie, thank you. I try. It should be ready in another ten minutes.” I leaned in and kissing the side of his mouth while I stirred the food in the pot.

He let out a wry chuckle, “Why do I have to wait? It should’ve been ready by now.”

Shit was the first thought to pop into my mind. “Sweetie, I’m sorry. I was stuck with a last minute problem at work. I couldn’t leave until it got resolved. I got home as soon as I could to have it ready for you.” I told him praying he would let it go, but he didn’t let it go.

He scowled. “You should’ve called me, Josh, to tell me and I wouldn’t have come straight home. The guys’ at work asked me to go out for drinks and I turned them down because of you.”

I tried again to diffuse the situation. “Sweetie, it’s almost done. You’ll have dinner in a few minutes. Why don’t you go wash up and I’ll bring you a beer while you wait.”

“Josh, don’t talk to me like I’m some fucking kid.” Jeff said standing straighter and stepping in closer to me.

I stammered out the words, “I’m not. Jeff, please, let me finish and you’ll eat soon.”

“Finish what? Not taking care of this house or me the way you’re supposed to?”

I stopped stirring and looked up into dark grey eyes instead of the usual light grey, which are now glaring at me. I stepped away from him. I knew that look. We’d reached the end of his rope in the shortest time on record. The man in front of me is not the one I’m in love with, that man disappears whenever this one shows up. I could never love him, and right now, he had the stone-cold look of rage on his face that sent shivers through my soul. There was no talking to him now but I had to try.

Jeff advanced with a quickness, which didn’t seem possible for a man, his size. My back hit the wall. He wrapped his large hands around my throat and squeezed. He had me so tight I could feel him lift me off my feet.

“Jeff, please stop,” I whimpered under the tight hold he had on me. “You’re hurting me. Jeff, I can’t breathe.” I try to pry his hands from my neck but it makes him grip tighter.

“I’m so tired of you and your constant whining, bitch.” He growled. “If you did things the way I wanted them done, then I would have to do this. You make me hurt you. You know that dinner is supposed to be ready and waiting for me every night. If you can’t handle that one simple request, then maybe we should reconsider you having a job. This place looks like shit since you took that job.”

I struggled to breathe. No matter how guttural I sounded, Jeff kept his tight hold on my throat, and in that moment, I knew I was going to die. I became lightheaded. My body went limper with each passing second. I tried to speak one last time but nothing came out. I was fading and fading fast. The last thing I see are the cold, manic grey eyes looking back at me.

I don’t remember anything except for the hard thrusts on my chest and the force of warm air blown into my lungs. I wanted it to end. The first intake of air hurt so much. My throat felt constricted and I fought to take another breath, and coughed violently making me wish the pain would end soon.

“Baby, breathe, I’m so sorry. Joshie-baby, are you okay?” Jeff touched my back and I cowered away from him.

“Don’t touch me!” I barely whispered but still had the force of my intention behind it. “You stay the hell away from me.” I crawled away from him. The weight of what just happened hits me hard. I died for however long it took Jeff to put back the life he’d strangled from my body. I began to sob and cough uncontrollably. I’d died, I kept thinking to myself. My hands touched my throat tenderly.

“I’m sorry,” Jeff repeated as he sat on the floor rocking back and forth. “Joshie-baby, I’m sorry. I won’t ever hurt you again. Don’t leave me! Please, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.”

“You always say that but you do hurt me. I’m done with this. I’m done with you.” My voice comes out raspy. I sit up slowly. “I don’t want you anywhere near me. We’re done.”

I managed to get to my feet staggering as I went while I coughed. I grabbed everything I needed. Jeff was still where I’d left him in the kitchen when I closed the door softly behind me. I checked into a hotel room trying my best to hide the brutally red and purple bruise shaped like Jeff’s hands on my throat from the concierge. When I got to my room, I called my parents hoping they would pick up not recognizing the phone number. It rings several times just when I’m about to hang up.

“Hello,” my mom answered. I couldn’t keep back the floodgate of tears that flowed as I told her everything that happened.