Seven months earlier on New Year’s Eve afternoon:
“C’mon, Jase. Come to the party with us,” I state, reaching into the fridge for a bottle of water.
“Nah, I won’t know anyone there. These are your and Kenny’s friends. Besides, why would you want your little brother hangin’ around you and your boyfriend all night?” Jason asks, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Dude, first off, I’m 6’2” and you’re 6’3”, you’re not my little brother anymore. Second, you’ve been in a funk since you’ve been home, and it’d be nice to see the old Jason again. Third, I can’t leave you here alone and have fun at this party,” I answer crossing the kitchen to stand in front of him. “Fourth, I’m gonna keep hounding you until you say that you’ll go. So, just say ‘yes’ and save me the time.”
With a pitiful sigh, Jason says, “Fine, I’ll go. But don’t expect to have fun with a third wheel hangin’ around you all night.”
“You’re not a third wheel, Jase. You’ll see. This’ll be a night you won’t forget,” I say punching his shoulder lightly, and leave the kitchen.
Turning the corner, I hear Jason mutter, “I doubt it.”
The party’s in full swing, when the three of us arrive a few hours later. I feel good. Kenny’s looking extra sexy tonight. I never thought I would fall for a 5’10”, nerdy, metal head, dance major, but I have.
Six months ago, he caught my eye one late afternoon in June, when he sat across from me in a small café in Berlin, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He wore his hair in a pale green faux-hawk, had eyebrow and lip rings, his nails painted black, and wearing black eye makeup. He wore tight black jeans, green high-top sneakers, and a white t-shirt of one of my favorite bands, Sevendust. He was reading, ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King, and seemed completely engrossed in it, so I watched him.
I didn’t think he noticed me until he looked up and smiled. The brightness of his gray eyes behind his wire-rimmed glasses nearly knocked me over. He closed the book and said, “You know, you’re making it very hard to focus on reading with the way you’re staring at me.”
I felt the embarrassment course its way through me settling in my cheeks. I must’ve blushed heavily because his smile widened. I blurted out, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare and skeeve you out.”
“Don’t worry about it. I have green hair and wearing black shit all over my eyes. I should be used to the stares,” he said, picking the book back up, and chortled. “My boyfriend tried to get me to dial back on it, but I couldn’t break the habit, and he dumped me, the jagoff.”
The mention of a boyfriend made me sit up straighter. “No, I was looking at your shirt. They’re one of my favorite bands,” I replied trying to keep the conversation going.
His eyebrow arched with skepticism. “Really? What’s your favorite song?”
He seemed impressed and placed his book back on the table. “That’s actually in my top three.”
I leaned forward and asked, “So what’s your favorite?”
“It’s ‘Shadows in Red’,” he answered.
“That’s in my top three. Do you wanna join me? I have a bigger table,” I say pointing to the chair across from me. He thought for a couple of seconds before he picked up his bag, book, and coffee and joined me. I hold out my hand. “Mike.”
He takes me hand and I feel a surge of energy flow through me. “Kenny.”
From that point on, we were inseparable, and learned a lot about each other. He told me how he discovered his passion for dancing. I told him about my love for basketball. And about the injury that stole my scholarship. The most interesting tidbit of information we learned was we live about four hours apart, and we were about to attend the same university. It was kismet meeting Kenny. The more we hung out the less I thought about Jason.
I found my salvation.
Back at the party, Kenny grabs my hand and we walk over to our group of friends. I look back for Jason. He hangs off to the side with his hands in his pockets looking sheepish. He’s shy in social situations, but I know once he loosens up, he’ll enjoy himself. I beckon him over. When he stands next to me, I throw my arm around his shoulder, and bring him in close. I ignore the subtle smell of his shampoo and body spray as it fills my nose.
“Hey, ladies, fellas, I wanna introduce you to my brother. This is Jason,” I holler over the music. There are a few quick ‘hey’ and ‘what’s up?’ I point them out to him. “Jase, that’s Tony, Lacey, Becca, Everett, Sean, Christina, Lewis, Simone, Eddie, Dom, and Grooves.”
“Your name’s Grooves?” Jason asks, and the group chuckles.
“Yeah, it’s for my sick moves,” Grooves replies doing a few dance steps that make everyone whoop. He holds out his hand to Jason. “Real name’s Matthew, but no one calls me that, got it?”
Jason nods and smiles. “Got it.”
“I’m gonna grab a drink. Cowboy, do you want something?” I ask turning to Kenny. Although, he was born and raised on a farm, Kenny acts and looks nothing like the traditional cowboy. It’s fitting for him.
“Same as you, Schatz,” he replies with his German term of endearment for me.
Turning to Jason, I ask, “What about you?”
He shakes his head and says, “I’m good, Mikey.”
I leave Kenny with Jason to grab our drinks. When I return a couple minutes later, I hand Kenny his drink, and he moves in closer to me. Kissing him on the forehead, I catch Jason watching us with an odd look on his face, and he quickly looks away. I’ve caught him looking at us like that a few times. It’s not as if he hasn’t seen us together. A week before he headed off to California, the three of us hung out, and everything seemed fine. Jason didn’t seem weirded out seeing me with Kenny.
Three years ago, I told him I was gay, but he’d come out to me a couple years earlier. Jason’s only had one relationship, a girlfriend he pretended to be straight for during his senior year. It baffled me. Why date a girl when you’re gay? I honestly don’t know why he dated her. What really surprised me was he slept with her after prom, but it was only because he felt he owed it to her for wasting her time.
“Mike, what’s wrong?” Kenny asks breaking into my thoughts.
“Jase is acting funny again,” I answer taking a sip of my beer. “He has this weird look on his face whenever he looks at us. Wish I knew what was going on with him.”
“He might be feeling left out,” Kenny states simply. “Mike, we’ve gotten closer these past three months since he’s been away, and he’s not used to the changes yet. You’ve been close your entire lives, and I’m stealing the attention he’s used to having. But I think once he starts dating, his attitude will change, and he won’t act so weird around us. Don't worry. Your brother's hot. He'll find someone.”
Oh, hell, no! “I don’t want him to… you know what? Forget it. Let’s dance,” I say, leading him through the sea of bodies moving to the music. Dancing will help put Jason out of my thoughts.
Kenny grinds his ass suggestively against my crotch as we dance. He reaches back to grab my hardening bulge, and rubs it slowly. He turns to face me, wraps his arms around my neck, and kisses me softly. I can taste the faint mix of his spearmint mouthwash and the beer he drank. His strong hands travel down grasping my ass and pulls me in closer to him.
We dance this way for several songs until we sway slowly not caring about the fast pace of the music that’s playing. He’s wearing a long jacket, and it hides the hand I have inside his pants, as I lightly finger fuck him as we dance. He has his face buried in my neck, and his warm panting breaths ghost across my sweaty skin sending shivers through me. He whimpers several times when he rocks his hips causing my finger to delve deeper. The feel of his tongue on my neck has me rubbing hard against him.
Kenny tilts his head back slightly, and whispers wantonly, “I want your cock inside me.”
I smirk down at him. "Do you think you can handle it?"
I groan when he grabs my cock aggressively. "You gonna give me this dick or do I go get it from someone else?"
With that said, he tugs on my cock and walks away, tossing me that 'come fuck me' look over his shoulder. I follow closely behind, trying my best to keep from throwing him over my shoulder, and carrying him away caveman style.
We head upstairs in search of an empty bedroom. We’re lucky finding one on the third try. I lock the door, pick Kenny up, and toss him on the bed. I pull out a condom and a small tube of lube from my pocket, and throw them on the bed next to him.
I strip quickly watching Kenny’s gray eyes darken with lust as I discard each article of clothing. He growls reaching for me and engulfs my 6.5” hard cock in his mouth. Grabbing the sides of his head, I thrust slowly but deeply. His moans reverberate around my already engorged cock making my knees partially buckle.
Fisting his natural strawberry blond hair in my hands, I tug his head back and kiss him hard. Pulling him to his feet, I take off his jacket and shirt, unbuckle his pants and push them down. His seven-inch cock juts towards me waiting for the warmth of my mouth to wrap its way around it. I kiss and lick my way down his chest. His cock jerks as I flick the underside with the tip of my tongue repeatedly.
“Oh damn, Mike,” he moans, sitting on the bed, and places a hand on the back of my head.
“You like that?” I ask, teasing the tip with a languid swirl of my tongue.
“I fucking love it,” he answers through gritted teeth, and his head falls back. “Mmm, don’t stop.”
“Move back,” I order roughly.
Once he’s in the middle of the bed, I maneuver to my knees and slide a finger inside him and he moans. His hips writhe sensually, and his cock moves deeper in my mouth, as he rides my finger. The introduction of a second finger only makes him buck harder. His hands grip wildly at the blanket on the bed. He tightens the grip his ass has on my fingers.
“You want this ass, don’t you?” he asks licking his lips. “You want this tight ass to fuck you ‘til you come?”
The desire to be inside him is overwhelming, I look in to his hazy eyes, and say, “Yeah, I want that tight ass ‘round my fat cock. I want you so bad.”
"Then take me," Kenny whispers. Cupping the sides of my face, he pulls me down on top of him. I wrap an arm around his waist and flip us so he’s on top. He leans back grabbing the condom and lube. He rips the condom foil open with his teeth, and slithers down. Once he’s over my swollen member, he proceeds to sheath the latex on me with his mouth.
“Shit that was so fucking hot,” I mutter, rubbing my chest and tweaking my nipples.
He winks, turns around with his ass up in the air facing me, and slides two fingers inside that luscious ass of his. I watch in awe as he whimpers while fingering himself. His head rests on the bed looking back at me, and he can barely keep his eyes open. Kenny removes his fingers, sucks on them, and places them in my mouth. He doesn’t turn to face me, as he slowly impales himself on my rock-hard sword, and whimpers, “Fuck, you’re so big, Mike.”
The erotic sway of his hips as he rocks back and forth has my toes curling. My hand moves up and down his back before settling on his hips. My grip is so tight that I can see the imprints of my hands on his pale flesh. He plants his feet on the bed, leans back, and bounces with the expertise of a man who knows what he's doing. The warm intense grip of his ass holds every promise that I’ll be coming soon. I pull him back against my chest, licking and sucking on his earlobe. It’s a good thing the music is loud or the whole house would hear his lustful moans echoing off the walls.
Kenny’s flexibility allows him to turn effortlessly around to face me while I’m deep inside him. He does this twerking bounce move that always drives me crazy. My deep groans become louder with every bounce. Gripping, slapping, and rubbing his ass, I growl, “Yeah, ride that dick, cowboy.”
The look in his eyes is so freaking hot, as his hair falls forward framing his face. I tuck it back behind his ears, and he smiles sexily. I put Kenny on his back with his legs pinned to his chest. My slower thrusts make him whimper, and I know I’m hitting his sensitive gland. He grips my arms with his nails digging in my flesh.
“Mike, harder. Fuck me,” he moans.
Going harder makes his mouth widen, eyes close, and he bares his neck to me. I don’t hesitate sucking and nipping my way across his neck. I lick the shell of his ear, and feel him shudder beneath me several times.
“You wanna come, cowboy?” I ask seductively with my face an inch above his. Kenny bites his bottom lip and nods. “How bad do you wanna come?”
“So fucking bad,” he mewls. I lean back to take over the stroking of his cock, and suck on his toes. “Yes. Yes. Right there.”
“You gonna come with my cock inside you?”
“Mm-hmm,” he answers brokenly, when I thrust all the way in and grind our hips together repeatedly. He rakes his nails down my back, bites my shoulder, and cries out, “Oh fuck!”
The fury of the pace in which I fuck and stroke him intensifies. The first splatter of cum hits his chest, and then he shoots several more times. My forehead presses lightly against his as we kiss. I let the rush of his orgasm wane a little before I fuck him harder. I come not soon after collapsing on top of him with gasping breaths. Kenny strokes my back and kisses the side of my face and neck.
“I love you, Mike,” he whispers in my ear.
My heart skips a beat. This is the first time anyone outside my family has told me they love me. I’ve known for a little while that I love him, but thought it was too early to tell him. I prop myself up onto an elbow, gaze into his eyes, and kiss him tenderly before declaring, “I love you, too, Kenny.”
He sighs happily and smiles. “Good, you have no idea how nervous I was telling you.”
My eyebrows and forehead furrow. “Why were you nervous?”
“I don’t know. You’ve been with other guys, but I am your first boyfriend. I guess with everything you told me about what you went through last year, I thought you might not be as serious about me, as I am about you,” he mumbles, looking down.
Tilting his head up, I say, “Cowboy, believe me, I’m serious about you. Meeting you changed my life in a way I wasn’t expecting. You’ve made me feel things I never thought was possible. You make me happy.”
“You make me happy,” Kenny states. We kiss passionately before he puts his head on my shoulder. “Can we just lay here for a little while longer?”
I wrap an arm around him, and kiss the top of his head. We lay together, talking and giggling about little things. We reluctantly get dressed and head back down to the party a few minutes later.
Once we’re back downstairs, I can’t hide the goofy smile on my face. A few knowing smiles from our friends make me smile even wider. Then I remember Jason. Where is he? He catches my eye when I walk in to the kitchen. He’s talking to someone hidden behind the door on the back porch. I’m about to walk over when Jason’s anonymous lothario leans in and kisses him. My heart drops. I watch Jason grip the waist of his kissing partner, and pull him in closer.
I don’t want to see anymore, so I turn and walk away, making a beeline back to Kenny. I can’t let this ruin what’s been an amazing night for me. I have a man I love and he loves me too. I can’t keep pining over Jason. We’ll never be together.
“Did you find Jason?” Kenny asks upon my return.
“Uh, yeah. He’s making out with some guy on the back porch.”
His eyebrows raise is surprise. “Really? In this weather? It’s like 20 degrees outside.”
“I guess whoever’s out there is keeping him warm enough,” I answer sarcastically with a touch of curtness.
Kenny doesn’t pick up on my attitude. “Schatz, this could be good for him. This could be the guy he says, ‘I love you’ to in six months.”
“Great. That’d be awesome,” I say with a fake smile.
I hug Kenny close to keep him from seeing the tear in my eye, and I quickly wipe it away.
It’s Grooves. That was who was out on the porch with Jason.
I know Grooves is bisexual, but it never occurred to keep him and Jason apart. What was I thinking? They’re both good looking. Jason with his tall swimmer’s body, blond hair, hazel eyes, and loveable nature. Grooves standing at six-feet tall, toned build, brown hair, blue eyes, and a great sense of humor.
I watch them out the corner of my eye as they dance. Grooves is all over him, and Jason seems to love the attention. My jealousy starts to mount, but I can’t do anything about it. My jaw hurts from clenching so hard. My nails dig achingly into the palm of my hands.
I want to scream, ‘Keep your fucking hands off him!’ But that wouldn’t bode well for me.
The crowd groans when the music stops abruptly.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Listen up, everyone. The countdown’s about to start soon. Make sure you’re with the person you want to kiss at midnight,” the Deejay announces over the mic.
The crowd whoops excitedly.
Kenny and I move over to where Jason and Grooves are standing.
“’Sup, bro?” Jason slurs slightly when he sees us approach.
“How much have you had to drink, Jase?” I ask disapprovingly.
“Enough to tell you that I love you,” Jason says with a smile.
I think to myself, ‘Yeah, I know you do. It’s just not in the way that I want you to.’
“Cowboy, I think I should get him home,” I announce, glancing between Jason and Grooves.
“Okay, but can it wait for another twenty seconds?” Kenny says, linking our fingers together, and stepping in closer. Looking into his eyes, I see all the love he has for me in them, and I know that I’m not being fair to him. He deserves all of my attention.
The Deejay starts the countdown, “Ten, nine, eight…,” the crowd joins in, “seven, six, five, four, three, two, one… HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
Auld Lang Syne plays as I kiss Kenny with everything I have in me. His arms wrap around my waist. He nips and sucks on my bottom lip playfully, holding me tighter, and it feels so good.
When the kiss ends, I place my forehead to his and kiss the tip of his nose, and whisper, “Best New Year’s of my life. I love you, cowboy.”
Kenny sighs contently. “I love you, too, Schatz,” With my eyes closed, I feel Kenny turn his head, and he asks, “Where’d Jason and Grooves go?”
“He’s old enough to take care of himself, Mike. How do you know it wasn’t Jason who dragged Grooves away?” Kenny asks trailing behind as we climb the stairs.
“You wouldn’t go after your sister if she were drunk and off with some guy she just met?” I toss over my shoulder. “Kenny, he’s never been with a guy before. I don’t want his first time to be with someone he’s only known for two hours. I didn’t know the guy I slept with my first time and I regret it. My head wasn’t in the right place and neither is Jason’s. I don’t want him to regret this in the morning.”
“Grooves’ a good guy,” Kenny states. “He’d be an idiot to try something with you in the house.”
“You saw them together. They were all over each other. I don’t know what Grooves would do if Jason tries to stop him from going further than he’s willing to go,” I answer.
I frantically search the rooms finding them in the same room Kenny and I used earlier. They’re partially clothed with Grooves grinding his jean-clad crotch slowly against Jason’s. Who has his eyes closed and moans while Grooves licks and kisses his neck. The sight of him wrapping his legs around Grooves waist has me fuming.
“Grooves, get the fuck off him,” I yell, yanking him back by his jeans. “He’s drunk. What wrong with you?”
“What the hell, Chambers? We were only making out,” he says, standing up. “I’d never take advantage of anyone who was out of it. That’s not my style.”
“Hey, Mikey. I gonna get laid like you did tonight,” Jason announces loudly. “C’mon, Grooves, let’s give them a show.”
He sits up quickly and looks dazed.
“Jase, you okay?” I ask, moving towards him.
“I’m gonna be sick.” With that he leans over the side of the bed and vomits. He looks flushed and sweaty when he stops. He turns to Grooves, wipes his mouth, and mutters, “Ok, I’m ready.”
Grooves shakes his head, but not in disgust. He reaches over and tenderly brushes back Jason’s hair. “I don’t think so. You should let your brother take you home. Here,” he says, taking Jason’s phone from the nightstand. “Here’s my number. Call me. We can hang out again. Okay?”
“Sure, whatever,” Jason says, looking rather disappointed. He takes his phone from Grooves hand.
Grooves grabs his shirt and shoes. He looks to me and says, “Sorry, man. I swear we wouldn’t have done anything else.”
I just nod.
He departs and I turn to Kenny. “I think we should get going. I’m gonna get him cleaned up. We’ll see you downstairs in a couple minutes.”
He kisses me and takes the keys from my pocket. “I’ll go warm up the car.” With that he turns and exits the room.
Jason groans and I turn my attention to him. Sitting next to him on the bed, I ask, “Are you okay, Jase?”
He puts his head on my shoulder. “Mikey, I wanna go home. Take me home.”
After getting him cleaned up and clothed, we meet Kenny at the car, and drive in near silence. Kenny takes my hand and I kiss the back of his. I pull up to his place an hour later. Turning to him, I give him a pathetic smile. “I’m sorry about tonight, cowboy. I was so worried about Jason that I ruined our night. Hey, let me get him home, and I’ll come back.”
He shakes his head. “No, you look after your brother. If your folks find him like this, you’re both in trouble. Come over in the afternoon alright?”
“That I can definitely do. I’ll call you when I get home.”
Kenny nods. He kisses me softly, and quietly calls out, “Jason, I hope you feel better.”
Jason grunts loudly in response.
“Love you,” I whisper to him.
“Love you,” he replies.
Jason is deadweight getting him into the house. It’s a good thing our parents are still out because he’s making a lot of noise. Once we’re in his room, he falls on his bed with a thud, and curls up in a ball. Groaning heavily, I sit on his bed to take off his shoes.
“I love you, Mikey,” he mutters.
“I love you, too,” I reply.
“No,” Jason whines, trying to sit up. He gets upright, grabs my shirt, and stares into my eyes. “I love you. I love you more than a brother, bonehead.”
I gasp having had the wind knocked out of me. He didn’t confess his love for me… did he? A flood of emotions flow through me all at once: anger, anxiousness, surprise, and euphoric. But I’m mostly angry. Wrestling his hands from my shirt, I push him away.
“What the hell are you talking about, Jason?”
The hurt is clear in his eyes before he looks down. “Mikey, I’ve dreamt of what it would be like to be yours,” he says quietly. “I wanna be yours.”
Jason leans in, his lips brush against mine, and I still. I don’t know how to process what’s happening. He loves me the way I love him, but how can that be?
The tip of his tongue moves along my lips, and I open up to him and he moans softly. His lips are just as I imagined them: warm and soft. The kiss is timid at first before Jason moves to straddle my lap taking the kiss deeper. All of his smells I’ve ignored over the years surround me like an aromatic cloud. Wrapping my arms tight around him, I lean back bringing him down on top of me.
The whole experience couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds when I realize what I’m doing. I push him off me and stand, wiping my mouth. “This can’t happen, Jason. You’re my brother. I have a boyfriend. Stay the hell away from me.”
I run out of the room.
I avoided Jason for two days by staying over at Kenny’s place. He called and texted but I never answered or replied. I received a text this morning, it said: Leaving 4 school now. Don’t worry I’ll leave u alone. I’m sorry L
I wanted to call Jason right then, but I didn’t. I let him leave without a word. I didn’t know what else to do. I’m confused by everything, especially by Jason’s confession. He loves me, and I love him, but I love Kenny too. How can I love two people at the same time? I’ve heard people say they loved two people, but I always thought they were lying to have their cake and eat it too. But it’s true. It can happen. I’m living proof.
“Hello?” the voice asks carefully through the intercom.
“Let me in,” I answer shakily.
There’s a long pause. “Mike, what are you doing here?”
“Let me in, and I’ll explain,” I reply.
There’s another long pause before the door buzzes, and I push it open. Ascending the stairs, I take a few deep breaths. I hear his door open. My heart is racing. The thought of seeing him has me breathless. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in over a month. But I finally got my act together. As much as want Kenny, I want Jason too. Now that I know how he feels about me, maybe we can see where it leads.
This is a talk we need to have in person. Once I realized what I had to do, I didn’t hesitate hopping on a plane to California. Standing in front of his door, I breathe out and step inside. Jason is sitting on the couch with his head down, and his hands clasped tight together.
I sit in the chair opposite him and clear my throat. “Are your roommates here?”
“No, they went to a movie. Mike, why’re you here? I thought you hated me,” he whispers solemnly.
Fuck! He thinks I hate him. What else would he think, I haven’t tried to speak to him in a month. I sigh heavily. “Jase, I don’t hate you. I was goin’ through some things and I couldn’t get my head ‘round them ‘til now. There are things you don’t know about me. I thought if you found out about them, you’d hate me and never want to speak to me again.”
Jason looks up at me. “I could never hate you. I love you.”
“I know. But what you don’t know is uh, uh, I-I- damn, I didn’t plan out what I was going to say. Now I wish I had,” I chuckle softly. After a few more seconds pass, I continue. “The reason I thought you’d hate is because of my feelings for you.”
Shocked, he gasps and looks at me. Shaking his head in disbelief, he says, “What?”
It’s my turn to look down. Using his words, I say, “I love you more than a brother, bonehead.”
Emphatically, he shakes his head. “Don’t do this. Don’t lie to make me feel better for what happened. I shouldn’t have kissed you, Mike. My feelings for you are wrong, and I’ll learn to live with it. Just don’t lie, okay?”
I move from the chair to sit next to him on the couch.
“I’m not lying, Jase. It started off as a slight crush when I was sixteen, and grew in to love over the past three years.” His mouth opens and closes but says nothing. “Believe me when I tell you. My feelings for you are very, very real,” I tell him as my voice cracks.
Neither of us speak for a long while.
“So, we love each other. We’re brothers. Nothing can ever come of it, no matter how much I may want it to,” Jason whispers with a few sniffles.
I pull his chin towards me. “We’re toeing the line right now. We can deal with our feelings by not acting on them or we can cross the line,” I say. “What do you want?
“To cross the line,” he answers, turning to face me fully. “What about you?”
“Cross the line.”
“I’m not breaking up with him,” I state definitively. “But to make it fair, you can see other guys.”
His eyebrows furrow and he shrugs. “You love me. But you’re okay with me dating other guys. That doesn’t make sense, Mike. You flipped out on Grooves. What’s to keep you from flipping out again?”
“I trust you. That’s why,” I answer honestly. “Jase, do you trust me? I would never intentionally hurt you. That’s why I’m being upfront about Kenny. Can you accept that he’s in my life?
I see apprehension in his eyes but he nods his acceptance before I question him further.
I lean in and our lips touch. It’s a slow, sweet kiss which turns smoldering in seconds. Jason’s hands grip me tighter as the kiss deepens. My hands clasp the sides of his neck. I moan when he nips my lips. Damn, he’s such an amazing kisser. I feel his arms snake around my neck. He leans back against the arm of the couch bringing me with him. He whimpers softly when I settle between his legs and grind our hips together.
This feels natural. Nothing seems out of place or feels weird. I love and fear every second of it.
The kiss lasts only seconds, but feels like an eternity. I end the kiss eliciting a frustrated groan from Jason. I replay the tenderness and the urgency in the kiss we just shared. My fantasies of what his kisses would be like didn’t even hold up to the real thing.
We say nothing to each other as we catch our breaths. Our foreheads rest against each other.
Jason laughs quietly. “I can’t believe this is happening. Are we really doing this?”
I nod slowly letting it sink in myself. “Yeah, we are.”
We kiss again.
“My roommates might be back soon. Let’s go to my room,” he says shyly.
The situation we’re in is my fault. Thinking back at all those odd looks and the occasional cold shoulder from Jason all make sense now. I failed to recognize the signs because I focused on getting Jason instead of protecting him. The fact that we both wanted each other clouded my judgment. I should’ve asked more questions that night back in California. Even though it would have hurt to do so, I would’ve put a stop to it, if he’d said he couldn’t accept Kenny being in my life. But then again, why would he admit it? He was about to get what he’d always wanted, me.
The day Jason left me in his room, all I could do was lay on his bed and wish with all my might that he’d come back to me. He didn’t. How could I even think he would? I called him an ‘easy fuck’. I can still see the hurt and shock in his eyes when he heard those malicious and untrue words come from my mouth. He was only trying to be honest about his feelings. I never should’ve reacted the way I had.
One week. That’s how long it’s been since my brother, my best friend, my lover walked away from me out of the necessity to protect his heart from me hurting him more than I had already.
Hearing Jason cry himself to sleep the first couple of nights broke my heart. I wanted to comfort him, but he locked his doors. So, I stayed on the other side of his bathroom door and listened until I knew he was asleep before retreating to my room. The worst thing is we only talk when our parents are home, and even then, it’s awkward. Mom picked up on the tension between us and asked what happened. Jason told her he broke up with the guy he was seeing. She said that didn’t explain what was going in between us. I told her I did something that pissed Jason off, but we would work it out eventually. I was giving him time to cool down. Appeased, she let it go.
I miss him. I want him back. I don’t know what to do, but know I need liquid courage to do it.
One of the benefits of being a well-known underage former basketball star in my town is the privilege I still receive from some establishments. All I have to do is walk into the liquor store, and I have my run of the place. The manager feels sorry for me since I lost my basketball scholarship. Therefore, he sometimes lets me buy whatever I want. It’s a good thing too because I need this to talk to Jason.
I stagger into the house after having drank a six-pack and a nip of whiskey alone in my car while I sat in the garage. Walking down the small hallway towards the kitchen, I hear the booming sounds of explosions coming from downstairs. Slowly, I make my way down to the basement, and from the middle of the steps, I see the back of Jason’s blond head leaning against the back of the sofa. He’s shirtless with his long legs crossed at the ankles in front of him while watches his favorite movie, Die Hard. He runs a hand through his hair, and laughs at a Bruce Willis one-liner.
The ache in my heart as I take the last step is profound. God, I miss him so much.
Walking towards the couch, he doesn’t notice me until I accidentally bump the table beside him. With a startled yell his head snaps towards me. “Shit, man, you scared the hell outta me,” he announces angrily.
“I’m sorry,” I proclaim, staggering a little to keep myself upright. “I wanted to talk to you before Mom and Dad got home.”
“I’m not doing this with you,” he says, turning his attention back to the movie.
Sighing heavily, I shove my hands in my front pockets. “Jase, this is important. We need to talk.”
Jason grabs the large bowl beside him and stands. He doesn’t say anything else as he walks past me and up the stairs. I slowly but surely follow him to the kitchen. I lean against the counter and cross my arms. Watching him move about the kitchen as he makes a batch of popcorn is captivating. The stride of his long legs has me remembering what it was like to have them wrapped around my waist as we made love. And the grace of his arms as he grabs the salt from the cabinet, and remembering how they felt when he held me while we slept.
With a slight slur, I say, “I want to talk to you.”
Jason turns to me. “Are you drunk?”
“Yup, drunk in love with you,” I answer, smiling as if I said something ultra-clever.
He scoffs, rolls his eyes, and turns away from me. “You’re in love with Kenny too.”
Ignoring his comment, I quietly reply, “I miss my best friend. I miss you.”
Jason turns his head slightly towards me, and states dryly. “Don’t you mean that you miss your ‘easy fuck’?”
Dumbfounded, I take three large steps to stand next to him. I furiously turn him to me. Pointing my finger in his chest, I say, “You can’t keep throwing that back in my face. When are you gonna stop punishing me for it? Do you want me to apologize again? Fine. I’m sorry, Jase. You’re not an easy fuck.”
He looks down mumbling, “I’m not trying to punish you.”
“You could’ve fooled me.” I cup the sides of his face, lifting his head up so I can look him in the eyes. “Please talk to me. All I want to do is talk. Nothing else. I swear.”
Jason turns from me and watches the popcorn machine. It soon comes to life with the sounds of the kernels exploding and it fills in the awkward silence between us. He dumps the popcorn in the bowl, and works diligently to cover it with butter and seasonings. Another batch of kernels goes inside the popper.
I clear my throat. “This wall you’ve put up is keeping us apart.”
He shrugs shaking his head. “There are a lot of things keeping us apart, but I’m working through them alone just like you.”
I reach for him on impulse, but stop midway. “We don’t have to do it alone.”
He sighs heavily. “Yeah, we do. I’m not gonna end up some lovesick puppy at your feet waiting for scraps of your love. I deserve better than that, and you know it.”
I nod in agreement. “You do. We can still work this out. All I’m asking for is a chance.”
“There is no ‘we’,” Jason states somberly, taking the tea out of the fridge.
“Yes, there is. No matter how hard you try to ignore it,” I reply. “Jase, I can’t make this decision if you keep me at a distance.”
I press my forehead to his temple, and rest a hand on the small of his back, and the other on his stomach. We stand this way until the popper again comes to life. Jason wipes his eyes and pulls away. I curse under my breath, and reluctantly drop my hands. When the rumbling of the popcorn slows, he dumps the popcorn in with the other batch he’s prepared; his hands tremble visibly as he mixes them together.
He turns towards me with tears in his eyes. “How can I open my heart back up to you? Six months together did nothing to change your feelings for Kenny. If you haven’t broken up with him by now, we need to face the fact that you probably won’t.”
“Jase, come on. At least give us a chance to work through this,” I beg, gripping his shoulders tightly.
“I can’t. Something happened last week that made me realize…,” he sniffles, but he stops speaking.
In a defensive move, I drop my hands from his shoulders, and cross my arms. “What happened?”
There’s a long pause before he says, “I went to the gym after I left here. But I never got out of the car, instead, I, uh, went to see Grooves’.”
I hiss angrily, “You went to Grooves?”
“Yes,” he answers quietly.
I take a step towards him. “Nothing happened, right?”
Jason’s voice breaks as he answers. “I told him I was upset. That the guy I was seeing wouldn’t leave his boyfriend for me. He invited me in, and kept asking why I came to see him. To shut him up, I kissed him. One moment we were on his couch, then the next, we’re in his room going at it.”
My mind is going a million miles an hour. Taking a step closer, I ask, “What do you mean ‘going at it’?”
“We were making out pretty heavily, when I begged him to fuck me,” Jason admits, meeting my angry glare.
There’s no fucking way! Oh, my God, he slept with Grooves. Choking back a sob, I cover my heart and feel the sadness wrap its way around it. My stomach turns in knots. I hold up a hand to keep him from talking. “Stop! I don’t want to hear it,” I announce, slowly backing away from him.
I walk unsteadily out the kitchen, and stumble up the stairs. I walk into my room, slamming the door behind me. I want to ram my fists through the wall.
Jason bursts through seconds later.
“Go back downstairs,” I growl angrily at him, pacing the room with my hands clasped behind my head.
Jason pulls me towards him by my waist. The intensity in his hazel eyes burns deep in to my amber eyes. Despite how I feel, his touch has a calming effect on me. He rests his hands against my chest. “Please, calm down and listen to me.”
Unable to look him in the eye, I focus on a spot on the wall behind him. A wave of thoughts and emotions wash over me. I’m a possessive, selfish hypocrite. I don’t have the right to be angry. Jason can do whatever he wants and with whomever because those are the rules. Rules I implemented so I could have him and keep Kenny.
Jason’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
“When Grooves was putting the condom on, you flashed into my mind. You weren’t there, but I swear I could smell you. I felt your breath, your lips, and your hands everywhere on my body. I felt every inch of you inside me. Before I know it, I was crying, and telling Grooves to stop.”
My jaw clenches repeatedly before looking in his eyes. “You didn’t sleep with him?”
Jason shakes his head. “No, but I really wanted to though. I should’ve been able to. I just couldn’t go through with it. I tried to leave, but Grooves pulled me back, and held me until I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I was alone. I found him sitting on his couch after I got dressed. I apologized for my breakdown. He laughed and said something along the line of, he was honored to be the man who made me realize how much I didn’t want to sleep with him. We talked for a while. He told me to call him once I was ready to start dating again because he likes me. We said our goodbyes. I came home and tried to put it behind me.”
Jason’s hazel eyes glisten with unshed tears, he grabs my hands, and continues. “You don’t have to worry about choosing between me or Kenny anymore.”
Hopeful about what his declaration means, I ask, “Are you taking me back?”
He avoids looking at me, but soon his eyes meet mine, and answers, “No.”
Flabbergasted, my mouth drops open. I shake my head in disbelief. “Why not? I love you, Jason,” I declare, hugging him tight. I feel his arms wrap tight around my waist. “And you love me.”
“It’s not enough,” he states simply without malice or anger. His arms fall to his sides when steps back. “Being with you changed me in to an insecure, pathetic mess. I accepted everything you gave me because it was you. I let the love and sex cloud my judgment. I grew dependent on you for my happiness. It shouldn’t be that way. So, I’m letting you go. I told you last week I had to find out who I am without you. And I can only do that if we’re just brothers.”
In disbelief, I shake my head. “Jason, how do we go back to being ‘just brothers’ after what we shared this summer? How do I pretend that I’m not in love with you?”
“Uh, you don’t have to worry because I’m going back to California on Tuesday,” he announces. “I told Mom and Dad last night that I wanted to go back early to get settled in before classes started.”
Feeling anger creep through me, I say, “That’s in two days. You weren’t supposed to leave ‘til Saturday. I thought we had more… were you gonna leave without saying anything to me?”
Tears streak down his face. “No. I was working up the nerve to tell you. I can’t be here, Mike. It hurts too much to be around you.”
“Running away won’t help, Jase,” I whisper sadly.
“I’m not running away,” he replies steadfast. “I’m leaving an unhealthy situation.”
Defeated, I ask. “Will you come back?”
“I want to but it might not be for a while. I have a lot I need to work through.”
I hear the front door open.
“Mike, Jason, we’re home,” Mom yells. “Come help your father bring in the bags.”
Jason wipes his eyes. And yells back, “Be right down.”
I grab his hand before he turns to leave. “Promise me you’ll say goodbye.”
“Promise,” he says with a nod. He walks away leaving me alone.
In my head, I know he needs to do this for himself, if I even have a shot at winning him back. In my heart, I’m at a crossroads. Who do I choose? Kenny comes back next week from being abroad. Once he’s back in my life physically, maybe I’ll have the answers I need to finally choose. I don’t want to hurt Jason again. And I don’t want to hurt Kenny either. He’s been good to me. So, I’ll do what’s necessary to minimize the damage that’s coming.
I follow Jason downstairs trying my best to pretend my world isn’t shattering around me.