Maillard's - 1. Maillard's

Maillard’s

For the right chemical reaction to occur, the subject material must be subjected to a high application of heat. Carbonyl groups of sugars in the material react to amino groups of proteins forming an unstable formation called N-substituted glycosylamine. This chemical is the next step in a chain reaction that forms ketosamines due to a process called the Amadori rearrangement.

Too much heat and carbonization occurs. Too little and these chain reactions will not happen. Hundreds of complex compounds are created that can only be accurately measured by the most powerful testing equipment known to man. [1]

“It smells like you’re burning that steak,” Ricky called out to his line cook Marc. “You need to char the other side dude.”

“It’s not burning dumbass. It’s searing,” Marc barked, angry he’d been caught thinking about something else other than his job.

Marcus Adamson was proud of his work. He’d been working at Maillard’s since he graduated from Gastronomique four years ago. He had started at the bottom, doing the cold prep and worked his way from the salad and appetizer stations, through sous prep to working the meat and fish stations on the line. On the nights his boss, Ricky Shannon, didn’t work, he would even expedite the line. Marcus loved his job and right now it was the only thing holding him together.

The cook shifted the fillet with the tongs to char the side. He’d gotten caught up in his own thoughts about what he would do after work. When he had a home it wasn’t a problem. Since last Tuesday, it had. Losing his heart and bed messed him up. Marc had to quiet the voices somehow. Books and movies seemed to be the only things that worked. That’s all he did now. They transported him away from this world and right now that was all he could hold onto.

“Listen, no time is the right time so here it is,” Ricky said coming around the end of the line. He had that look on his face, the one that brooked no resistance. Marc wanted to ignore him and couldn’t. His boss wasn’t just his bread and butter right now, but his landlord too. If he didn’t want to find his things in the snowbank, he had to pay attention to him.

“I had to call Aiden in. Shane and Cliff can’t make it in. The snow is starting to blow around pretty bad.”

Marc opened his mouth as Ricky paused. The man put a hand on his shoulder and stopped the tirade from beginning. “I don’t have a choice. I know you two aren’t getting along and I understand. Tonight you’ll have to deal with it. Okay?”

Marc shrugged the hand away. “I can do it myself. You know what he did to me. I can’t face him. Damnit, Ricky! How could you do this to me? He ruined my marriage. He told Zack all about that night. Fuck!” he yelled and threw the pan into the wall. The steak he had been searing bounced off the stainless steel back splash onto the floor mat. It rolled a foot and rested against a fallen rag.

“Marc!” Ricky shouted. “Settle down! I know exactly what happened and what’s going on with you two. I don’t have any other options. Clean up your mess and finish the order. Now!”

“Fuck me!” Marc yelled as his boss left shaking his head. Ricky turned and held up one finger.

“When you’re in this kitchen, in MY kitchen, you will act professionally. Do you understand?” The man was breathing hard, trying to keep it contained. Marc could feel the blood pounding in his head. It was so urgent, so insistent; he could almost hear it thumping through his veins. The cook also knew his eyes were boring holes into Ricky’s face. He couldn’t contain his anger.

“On second thought, I’ll finish this order. Go out back and cool off. Have a smoke, get yourself under control, and then we’ll work this out. Okay?”

Marc rushed past Ricky, trying hard not to bump him or punch him, and marched to the back. He grabbed his coat and slipped it on over his apron. The cook pushed on the latch and burst out to the cold, dark alleyway. He fumbled to extract his pack of cigarettes and with a shaking hand lit one. Sucking on it deeply, Marc could feel his rage begin to unravel. As he let the lungful of smoke out, the air around him turned white, coming back into his face. He coughed and waved it away.

The snow was falling thickly, almost a whiteout even in the alleyway. It covered everything from the dumpster to the grease tank and even the bicycle propped next to the wall. It was a veil of white making all the shapes rounded, soft, without hard edges. It was actually quite beautiful. In his state of mind, it was just cold and barren.

Marc took another drag and closed his eyes. He had to get it together. Ricky was right. He couldn’t keep Aiden away from him forever. At some point, they needed to clear the air. What the man had done to him was unforgivable, but that didn’t matter. Even the kinds of betrayal he’d been through wouldn’t stop Aiden from being around at work, unless he quit.

Marc huffed and shook his head. He wasn’t going to run away from this. Pretending a new start would change things was what other people did. He knew better. Wherever he ran, it would still be him, there, looking back from the mirror. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen this coming. As much as he tried to ignore it, push it back into the recesses of his consciousness, the facts remained the same. His marriage had been a sham. It was an elaborate hoax he’d conjured up for his own gratification. It was becoming quite clear no one believed it would last. Even the ceremony had felt awkward and faked. People all said the right things, drank a toast to them. Hell, his parents even paid for a nice honeymoon in Hawaii for them.

Even during the honeymoon, a time for just the two of them to bond and connect, it hadn’t worked. Honeymoon suites are not a comfortable place for half of a couple to wait for the other to return. Why couldn’t he commit even for just ten days? Did he have to chase tail only three days after they’d stood before a minister in his brother’s backyard and promise fidelity and forever?

Marc took another deep toke on the cigarette as a figure appeared at the mouth of the alley. From the stupid set of ear muffs the person wore, it had to be Aiden. His hair and shoulders were coated in white. The bulky leather jacket was a dark smudge moving in the white haze. All the anger and fury at the man came back to him in an instant. The cook flicked the butt into the coffee can half buried in the snow. He opened the door and went inside to avoid having to talk to him. Marc wasn’t ready for that, not until he could get his raw feelings sorted out.

He took off his coat and hung it up. Washing his hands in the sink, he heard a bell ring out. “Order up,” Ricky called. His voice echoed through the empty kitchen. Marc could hear the whoosh of the door open and close. He dried his hands and walked back to the line. Ricky gave him a quick grin and passed by him.

“Better?” his boss asked.

“Much,” Marc said. “Sorry about that.”

“After what you’ve been through, I’d be upset too,” Ricky said. He gave him a one-armed hug and then quickly vanished through the swinging doors to the front of the restaurant. Marc grabbed a rag and wiped the cutting board. The rat-a-tat-tat of the order printer made him jump.

“Back at it,” he said ripping the chit off the machine. The cook grabbed a rack of ribs and slathered them with sauce. He smacked them on the grill and moved over to get the salad made.

“I can work the cold side if you want,” a voice said to him as Marc pulled out a chilled plate from the cooler.

“I’ve got it,” Marc answered. He refused to look up at Aiden’s face. His voice sounded cheerful. That was riling him up again.

“Should I mind the grill then?” Aiden asked. Again, there was almost a whimsical happiness in the way he asked the question.

“Do some prep,” Marc answered without looking. “The prep list is in the back kitchen. Don’t do too much of anything. We only have ten confirmed covers for the night. It’s gonna be a slow one.”

“Sounds good,” Aiden replied and Marc could feel his absence. He breathed out as he began dressing the mixed greens with the vinaigrette. As long as he didn’t look at the man, he’d be fine. Seeing Aiden’s sunny face would bring it all out again. He couldn’t allow it to happen, not here.

As the evening continued, a small but steady string of tickets kept Marc busy enough he didn’t think about anything else. Aiden’s presence in the back was almost forgotten. Ricky and the two waitresses on duty would enter and carry away plates of food and bowls of soup with hardly a word exchanged. Marc didn’t mind because it kept his brain occupied with nothing but cooking.

“I’ve finished the prep list. Wanna take a break?” Aiden asked, breaking Marc’s single-minded concentration.

“I’m not hungry,” the cook said. “Go ahead.”

“Marc, make yourself something.” It was Ricky standing on the other side of the line peering over the pass where the finished plates would be placed. “I’m going to close early I think. Eat and then we’ll think about cleaning up and heading home.”

Marc didn’t respond. He snorted and grabbed a bowl. He ladled it half full of corn chowder, took a hunk of bread, and walked around the end of the line. The cook came face to face with Aiden, who was smiling at him again. “Only having soup tonight?”

“I’m not feeling it,” Marc grunted in response. “Cover the line.”

“Okay,” Aiden said stepping past him. Marc felt the urge to scream in his face, but he didn’t. He took off his apron and picking his food up again, walked through the swinging doors and over to a small table next to the wait station. Karen and Rachel looked up, staring at him with questioning eyes. No doubt, Ricky had filled them in on everything. He was relieved to notice he didn’t even mind.

Maybe he was feeling better.

“How did it go back there?” Ricky asked sitting down at the table with him. Marc shrugged.

“He kept out of my way. As long as I didn’t have to look at him, it was fine,” Marc said, ripping off a piece of bread and dipping it into the soup.

“It’s a start,” Ricky said. “Tonight, you can sleep in the baby’s room. We’ve moved his crib into our room so you’ll have a little space. I do have to ask though. When will you get your own place?”

“I found a studio apartment I can move into next weekend.” Marcus put the spoon down. “I know I haven’t said it enough, but thanks for letting me crash. It’s been really cool of you and Reilly to put up with my sorry ass.”

“Really, we don’t mind. Reilly’s brother has a truck to help you move, if Aiden isn’t going to help you,” Ricky said.

Marc picked his spoon back up. “Aiden’s not helping me with shit. It’s not much anyway. Zack is staying in the old place. I’m grabbing my personal items and that’s about it.”

Ricky sat back and watched the cook eat. Marc didn’t mind at first. Then, it seemed there was something his boss was holding back.

“Can I eat in peace?” Marc asked. Ricky nodded, starting getting up, and then sat back down.

“You need to talk it out with Aiden. I listened to his side and I think what he did was right. Maybe he went about it in the wrong way, but he loves you. Talk to him.”

Marc growled and shook his head. “I don’t have anything to say to him. He betrayed me. He told Zack I cheated on him. Zack kicked me out. Aiden can crawl into a hole and die as far as I’m concerned.”

Ricky opened his mouth and then closed it quickly. Marc resumed eating his soup and ignored him as best he could. “He loves you. Talk to him.” His boss got up and left. Marc finished the small meal and managed to keep it down. Even the little bit of cream soup and bread seemed to make his stomach rebel. The cook closed his eyes and felt his insides calm.

The phone ringing made Marc open his eyes. Ricky answered it, spoke briefly then hung up.

“Okay guys. Here’s the deal. They are opening up the skyway from the Radisson to here. It seems their skeleton staff can’t handle all the conventioneers in the hotel. We have a big group coming to eat. At least a hundred covers will be here in about half an hour.” Ricky gave them all a beaming smile. “It looks like tonight isn’t a bust.”

Marc felt his blood pressure rise in his head again. That many people could only mean one thing to him; working with Aiden. “I’m grabbing a cig and then I’ll get the line ready,” he said to the three of them.

“Aiden will have to work with you,” Ricky said. “Put it aside for a couple of hours, okay?”

Marc nodded and got up. He went into the kitchen walking past the line with the other cook trying to catch his eye. “Did I hear right? We’ve got a crowd coming?” Aiden asked. Marc didn’t respond. He grabbed his coat and went back into the dark alley with a single light shining down. It was a study in contrasts, white softness and harsh black shadows, animated by the falling snow. In between those contrasts were those gradations of gray.

At first he and Zack were bathed in the bright white of love, or so Marc thought. Then the little flirtations, the stolen kisses from strangers began to cast shadows. Zack laughed them off. “I always come home to you, babe. They don’t matter to me.”

Until he didn’t come home all the time. Marc was embarrassed, ashamed as much as anything else at this point. Those dark shapes continued to creep into their relationship. He tried to focus on the light, the brightness of their times together. But, Zack’s absences had made the light fade into grays ever darker. How could the man he loved do this to him? Why did he fall for it?

How would he get through this?

After his cigarette and brooding emptied his mind, Marc returned to see Aiden was stocking the line, putting trays of prepped items into the coolers.

“It’s gonna get busy,” Aiden said cheerfully sliding a tray of potatoes into the oven. “Are you ready to rock?”

Marc nodded and began checking temperatures, trying hard not to look at the other man.

“You have to talk to me,” Aiden said coming closer. Marc wanted to punch him in the neck.

“Back off.”

“We have to communicate to do this,” Aiden sighed. He was using his reasonable voice, the one that drove Marc crazy. “You can’t give me the silent treatment all night.”

A flood of adrenaline surged through the man, filling his neuro receptors and starting a chain reaction which cascaded throughout his body. Complex neurotransmitters battled for dominance. The hormones began raising the man’s temperature.

Marc was shaking as he turned his head.

“I’ll talk to you alright,” Marc said looking up into the golden brown eyes so like his own. Aiden’s face was pained; his cheeks blotched with nervous energy. “I’ll tell you what a piece of shit you are. You fucking ruined my marriage. There. Now it’s all better, right?”

“Be as pissed as you want, but you’d have done the same for me,” Aiden said.

“I never would have ratted you out for one lousy kiss,” Marc huffed, and turned. “It meant nothing.”

“Yeah it did. You were lonely, desperate, and wanted revenge. That’s why I told him,” Aiden said. “You weren’t doing anything about it.”

“Great, now my marriage is over, I’m homeless, and everyone looks at me and thinks I’m the one who fucked up,” Marc said, rubbing the stainless steel counter with a wet towel. “Everyone knows fags can’t commit, right Aiden? We’re nothing but rutting animals without one bit of faithfulness. Fuck, Aiden, how could you?”

The other man chewed on his lip before responding. “I didn’t know how to help you. You wouldn’t listen to me when I told you…”

“Fuck off, Aiden,” Marc yelled. “We get through this dinner service and that’s it. I’m not going to listen to your bullshit all night. Got me?”

“Marcus, he was cheating on you. Everybody knew it and you wouldn’t listen to me. Zack was running around when you were here working. He was screwing everything he could get his hands on,” Aiden said stepping into Marc’s space. Marc backed away. His angry eyes were filled with tears. Why was his brother doing this to him?

“I knew he was cheating,” Marc said, his voice a hoarse whisper. He cleared his throat. “I’m not as stupid as everyone thinks I am. He was with someone else during our honeymoon. I knew what he was doing, Aiden. Why did you have to meddle?”

Aiden’s eyes widened. “When I tried to tell you, you denied it. You kept saying Zack was just out with friends. When I saw him with that guy, it broke my heart. You needed to know.”

“He gave me VD, okay? I got the clap from him. Trust me, when your life partner gives you gonorrhea, you know what’s going on,” Marc snapped back. His fury came bursting out as sarcasm. “But I couldn’t handle things my own way. No, of course not. My fucking big brother has to run to my husband and tell him about some guy I kissed in the alley. One closed mouth kiss, Aiden. You betrayed me and for that I can’t forgive you.”

Aiden didn’t respond. He stood there looking at Marc with such pity and disgust, or so it seemed.

“Would you two keep it down?” Ricky said, sticking his head in through the swinging doors. “I can hear every word you’re saying. In fifteen minutes, we’ll be packed. I need you two to get this over and done with. Take it into the cooler if you have to.”

“Let’s get this all out,” Aiden said, grasping Marc’s arm.

Marc pulled away. “Don’t touch me.”

“Fine, but this isn’t over,” Aiden said and walked past the ovens to the walk-in cooler. Marc followed.

“Do you want to hit me?” Aiden asked as soon as Marc came in and closed the door. “Just punch me. You know you want to.”

Marc did want to hit his brother, break his lip open, blacken his eye, and make him hurt. He couldn’t do it though. This was Aiden, the guy who stood up for him his whole life.

“Why did you do it?” Marc asked, crossing his arms.

“I knew once Zack heard about you kissing some guy, he’d end it. Fuckers like him are easy to manipulate. He wanted you home waiting for him while he was out playing the field but he couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else touching you. I didn’t know what else to do,” Aiden said in a rush.

Marc didn’t say anything at first. “You’ve never done anything like this before. You betrayed my trust…”

“Fuck that shit,” Aiden yelled. His face turned red and he got right next to his brother. “It wasn’t me who betrayed you. It was Zack. He’s the one you should be mad at, not me. He gave you the clap and you are mad because I told him about a kiss. Fuck!”

“I thought he was over it, the cheating. After the last time, Zack seemed to have changed. He wasn’t going out as much. At least, that’s what I hoped.” Marc put out his hands and bopped Aiden’s chest. “It doesn’t make sense, Aiden. How could you?”

Aiden pushed Marc back into the cooler rack dislodging a tray of red peppers. The men didn’t even notice as they fell in a cascade around them, like sparks from a fire. “I did it because he was fucking with your head, God damn it! You’ve been a mess mooning around here since Zack started his little escapades. I couldn’t stand it anymore.”

Marc pushed him hard, hands pressed against his brother’s chest. Irrationality was now fueling him. He grasped at something, anything. “You hate me because I’m gay. You never liked that ever since I came out. Admit it! You’re pissed your fucking little brother is a fag.”

Aiden’s eyes flashed. “That’s bullshit and you know it. I stood up for you during that sham of a wedding and supported you. Zack is a lowlife scumbag but I was there for you. I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s all.”

“You know that’s not true,” Marc yelled, poking his finger in his brother’s face. “You had it in for us since it started. Zack was never good enough for me. You have your pretty little nurse wife and glorious two kids and me being a fag was an insult to you and your perfect life.”

“Perfect life? Are you kidding me? My life is shit right now,” Aiden raged. His face was beet red and spittle flew from his lips. “My life is a mess. The kids are always sick, we don’t have enough money to do anything, and to top it all off, my dear, little brother, I don’t love Janie anymore. Got that, you ungrateful little bitch? I sometimes hate her. So, get outta my face and screw off!” he yelled.

Marc shook his head in confusion. Aiden was breathing hard, it wasn’t possible but he could almost see steam coming from his lips. “I…I didn’t know.”

“Of course not,” Aiden waved him off and stepped back. “You were so busy feeling sorry for yourself and trying to catch Zack in his latest batch of lies you wouldn’t notice. Why would you? I’ve got the perfect life, right?”

Marc watched as Aiden stormed out of the cooler. It was only then he noticed the peppers rolling around on the floor. As angry as he was, he couldn’t leave them there. He picked them up and gathered them into his apron. He pushed the button on the door and left the cooler. The remnants of his anger still bubbled inside but something else had replaced at least part of it.

Marc emptied the vegetables into the prep sink and turned on the water. As the sink filled up, he considered his brother’s words. There were the terse silences when he saw Janie and Aiden interact. Their smiles were no longer warm and conspiratorial. Their looks were more guarded, careful.

The kids had been acting out around all their tension. The last time he babysat Gage and Nell, they’d been so needy and whiny. All they wanted to do was sit close and watch a movie or have him read to them. Did his niece and nephew read their parents’ discomfort and translate it into guilt? They would relax by the end of the visit so he supposed they were okay. But, is okay alright for kids?

“Marc, we have another order up,” he heard a voice call from the kitchen.

“I got it,” he responded with a shout.

“No, I’ll get it,” he heard Aiden say, in his unreasonable voice, the one that told him he was angry now.

Marc quietly walked over to the other side of the line and began pulling out plates. “What have you got for apps?” he asked his brother.

Aiden barked back, “Two house salads, one soup, and a charcuterie for two.”

Marc quickly assembled the plates and set them on the pass. Ricky’s shadow loomed on the other side. “First table, but we’re almost full with twenty covers waiting,” he said. “You two worked this out yet?”

“Yeah,” Marc said softly.

“Not by a long shot,” Aiden answered with a snort. “But, we’ll be fine.”

“Okay, no yelling, got it?” Ricky said peeking through to look at them both. “I’m expediting and running food. I’m not babysitting tonight.”

Neither cook responded. Marc continued on the cold side, helping occasionally with sides as Aiden fumed and worked the grill and sauté station. They worked in relative silence as the printer continued to spew forth orders. The kitchen began heating up. Both men felt it as the sweat gathered on their brows and their faces became red. The faster the orders came in, the hotter the air behind the line became. Steam was coming off the grill, the stove, and even off the plates they prepared.

They worked as a team, which only minutes ago seemed an impossible feat.

*********

Marc wanted it all to end. It soon would. The printer had only gone off three times in the past ten minutes. The rush was ending. The air was cooling.

“You wanted me to see it, you kissing that guy. You didn’t have the guts to tell Zack off, so you had me do it,” Aiden grumbled as they put up five entrees. There were six tickets left now.

“That’s not true,” Marc lied. The mass of his feelings was so confusing. He did want Aiden to intervene, to fix things. If his big brother didn’t, on some level Marc felt he could blame him. It was childish, idiotic, and pathetic. It made him even more ashamed.

“You waited until I came out before you made your move. I saw you glance at me before you kissed him,” Aiden said, turning a chicken breast and topping it with crab meat. “I couldn’t stand what Zack was doing to you, so I told him.”

“You didn’t have to do it,” Marc groused. Aiden, as usual, had deciphered his intentions.

“If I wouldn’t have told him, he’d still be fucking with your head. It’s just like when you were eleven, remember?” Aiden sighed. Marc couldn’t respond. It was the same, exactly the same.

When Marc was eleven, he had developed a stomach ache, a bad one. It kept getting worse and he got scared, so very scared. Marc remembered he didn’t know what to do. The pain was so great, but his fear was worse. He hid his distress from their parents, avoiding them and his brother as much as he could. Finally, Aiden saw him clutching his side and groaning. His brother told his parents. Marc screamed at Aiden as they took him to the doctor. The doctor was scarier than the piercing pain in his guts.

Aiden probably saved his life. Marc could still see his big brother standing there, anxious and pale, when he woke up from his surgery. The burst appendix had almost killed him.

Marc didn’t want to bring it up, not that he needed to. He simply nodded to Aiden and gave him a tortured grin. Aiden always looked out for him. He felt guilty about how it always seemed to be a one-way street. He never even thanked him, not really.

“I didn’t know you and Janie were having problems,” Marc said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because there’s nothing you can do,” Aiden snorted, waving his spatula at him. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“Are you getting divorced?” Marc asked.

“No. I still love her and there are the kids to think about. I’m not IN love with her anymore,” Aiden said. “It’s my own problem.”

“You could have talked to me,” Marc said. He added some potatoes to a pan and spread them around heating them.

“I…I didn’t want to bother you. You had your own problems to deal with,” Aiden said. He shook his head. “You aren’t mad at me now, are you?”

“No, I’m not,” Marc said. “I don’t think I ever was, not really. Is the Chicken Oscar ready?”

“Almost. So what are you going to do?” Aiden asked.

Marc scoped some wild rice and vegetables into another pan and put it on the heat. “I found a studio apartment. I’m moving next weekend.”

“Yeah. I’ll pick you up and go with you,” Aiden said. “You can’t go alone. Zack will just fuck with you again.”

Marc didn’t answer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“We’re going to counseling,” Aiden said. “The Oscar is ready.”

“One minute on the garnish,” Marc answered. “Is it working?”

“I don’t know. We’ve grown apart since having kids. I work nights. She works days. We’re not really together much. The counselor thinks we should spend time together, alone. I don’t know,” Aiden sighed. “We’re all fucked up.”

“I could watch the kids more often,” Marc said. “You two could go out.”

Aiden lifted the chicken from the grill, waiting for Marc to place the hot rice and vegetables on the plate. “You’d do that wouldn’t you?” He smiled at his brother.

“Of course,” Marc said. “It’s not like I have a social life now. All our friends sided with Zack. I’m the leper in my circle.”

“Maybe that would help Janie and me to get reacquainted,” Aiden said. “Maybe not, who knows?”

“I’d like you to come with me to the old apartment,” Marc said. “I’m afraid of him.”

“Did he hurt you?” Aiden asked, his eyes darkening in the bright light of the kitchen.

“Not physically. I…he doesn’t make me feel good about myself,” Marc said. He brushed his cheek. “It’s hot in here.”

“Never did like the motherfucker,” Aiden said, winking at his little brother. “Do you want me to kick his ass?”

“No. I can do that,” Marc laughed. “I never should have moved out. I should’ve kicked him out.”

“You did what you had to do,” Aiden answered. “It’s gonna be alright.”

“Yeah,” Marc said. “Thanks.”

Aiden flipped a steak and two pork chops. Marc arranged the plates and heated some red cabbage and more mashed potatoes. “So, what about that cute guy you kissed? Are you interested?” Aiden asked.

Marc felt his cheeks warm, this time not from the heat, from his thoughts about the blond bellman from the Radisson Hotel. “His name is Peter. He seems nice.”

“You like him then?” Aiden asked, grinning at his brother.

“We’ve only got two tables waiting for food,” Ricky announced entering the kitchen. “Are you two still talking?”

“We are,” Marc said, smiling at his brother. “It’s all good.” Aiden handed his brother a plate, the fillet glistening with rich brown color, the aroma heavenly. The cook spooned the potatoes next to the steak. It was a masterpiece.

The heat had done its job. Everything was done perfectly.