Changing Seasons - 4. Winter- The perfect boy

I drowned in ultimate despair. No one could help me. My heart felt like it was going to tear apart. Its crevices were inhabited by a mysterious darkness that chewed bits and pieces of the carcass. Why do you have to do it so slowly? Why can’t you just devour all of me? Send me into absolute solitude. Actually, that is no longer necessary. I already felt alone. I felt like I only existed for the sole purpose of atonement. Atonement? That is no longer necessary. It’s too late.

I woke up panting, tears running down my face and my shirt was soaked in sweat. I couldn’t stop. It’s impossible. I feel like I’m draining my life energy away with all this tears. It’s incredible how I can produce so much of it. I was hurting. The reason I know not. It was so frustrating. Guilt, loneliness and despair. How could it be possible to feel so many things at once?

“It’s one of those nights again huh?” Joey brushed my hair with his slender finger tips and kissed me gently with his soft thin lips. It was soothing and it almost always made me forget that grotesque feeling inside of me but it always crawled back. It lived inside of me and I don’t know why.

I embraced him tightly and buried my face on his chest. I kept crying. I was scared.

“You’re okay, shh shh. You’re alright” He kept rubbing my back whilst caressing my hair. He always knew what to do. My best friend Joey and my lover too?

“How bout we get some gaytime?”

“It’s 3am”

“Haven’t you ever heard of seven-eleven?” He jerked me back and took off his shirt which was drenched in a concoction of tears, saliva and snot. He was perfection. His skin glistened; his perfectly carved chest was in my presence that had two erect brown nipples near the edge of it and his muscled stomach changed contours as he breathed. I wanted to do something, I’m sure he won’t mind but his eyes told me he really wanted some gaytime.

“Fine” I sat up and waited till the dizziness went away.

After changing into one of my shirts which he do so often we sneaked out of the place not that it was necessary. Andrea could sleep on a battlefield. Two polar opposites as I was a light sleeper. I envied her for that.

We didn’t think this through as we walked the chilly streets with cotton shirts, shorts and bare feet. We used to do this a lot during summer but we seemed to have forgotten which time frame we were in. He scooped my shoulder with his arms and engulfed me with warmth. He was such a sweet boy. I blushed like the generic school girl that I am. Good thing it was dark. I rested my head on his shoulder and we walked towards the overpriced convenience store just like that.

As soon as the green, yellow and red came to our field of vision we raced towards it, desperate for some synthetic warmth. He got in first and shouted victory which scared the living hell of the old man behind the counter. His face became neutral afterwards. He probably thought we were weirdos but probably not since there’s probably different types of weirdos that visits his convenience store during this time of the night.

“It’s the end of the world” Joey flailed dramatically and landed his whole body slowly on the glass door of the refrigerator. I love all kinds of Joeys and this was one of them. Midnight summer Joey.

“We can always settle for some calipo?”

“That’s just flavoured ice”

“How about a paddlepop?”

“That’s just flavoured frozen milk”

“How is gaytime different? It’s flavoured, it’s frozen, it’s milk”

“It’s different”

“Is it worth it to die of hypothermia?”

“It has cookie crumble” He grunted and took a paddlepop. He was a kid inside a man’s body. A hot one at that. He got banana and I got rainbow and we sat outside in front of the convenience store trying not to die.

“This was a terrible idea” My hand didn’t feel the wooden stick and the paddlepop got stuck on my tongue twice.

“I love you Erik” He locked his arms around my neck and as if on autopilot I immediately wrapped his lean torso around my flimsy arms.

“What was that?” I giggled under the cold night sky. My hands were numb, I was shivering like a phone on permanent vibrate mode and my nose was dripping uncontrollably hard. How romantic could this night be?

He always knew what to do. We both knew he did all of this just to bring my smile back. I didn’t deserve him. He cared too much and he loved me for who I am. His methods were effective but just enough to lock it away for a while before getting them again. It was a scar that no one could ever heal and I don’t even have a name for it. But he might be able to fix it, emerald eyes. We walked back slowly and quietly. Trying not to wake the shit out of the whole neighbourhood with our young love.