Changing Seasons - 3. Winter- The Stickiest Situation

“Hnng...” I swatted the warm gentle hand that was lightly circling around my hair. I wish my sister could act normal sometimes. I decided to doze off again after the hand had stopped. But I woke up a few minutes later with the same gentle hand stirring my short dirty-blonde hair with fingers that danced in a slow motion.

“An! DO YOU MIND? That’s creepy” I swatted the hand again as I rose up from my groggy state. This isn’t my room and the beautiful figure in front of me wasn’t my lovely sister. My heart had gone to a complete halt for a second and when it had began beating again it became faster than every post-physical activity that I ever did in my whole entire life. The darkness in my world was once again illuminated with pure bliss. I never knew I would be able to see those eyes again, eyes that smiled with his mouth. Blue eyes as clear as the summer sky that made you bask in its warmth. There he was, with a huge grin on his pale flawless complexion as if nothing had ever happened to him. We stared at each other for a longest time, as if we were too afraid that the other would vanish in a blink of an eye. He finally lost to the staring contest and flushed a slight pink on his cheeks.

“Hey” He raised the hand that I’ve neglected twice. Guilt coursed through my body as the thought of inflicting physical pain on the person that I... Well, Inflicted physical pain on that caused him to sleep for over a year. My vision blurred as tears gushed out of my eye sockets uncontrollably. Mixed feelings of guilt, relief and most especially, love.

“I’m so sorry I slapped you” I said in between sniffs and hiccups. I was a total mess when I bawled my eyes out and I wanted to apologise again for being so ugly in front of him but then he motioned me to go back to my seat beside his bed which I obliged to do. He then reached out his hand to go back and start caressing my hair. Odd, he never struck me as the affectionate type.

“Shh... It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault” He then proceeded to caress my crimson face which was the product of my stupid tears. Why was I the one being consoled? It’s not like I was the one who was truly hurt. I did that to him and why wasn’t he showing me hostility? Why was Gabriel so kind and caring? The tears became heavier from the warmth that emanated from him. Comfort that was only felt from Gabriel that not even Joey could provide. I feel like a massive ungrateful dick to my best friend.

“It is! Everything was. You are here because of me” I looked him in the eye for second. Convincing him to be angry at me, to never talk to me ever again for what I did. If he was looking at the road instead of me, he wouldn’t miss out on his life.

He wanted to rise from his position to get closer to me. But he was tied down by the wires that engulfed his entire body and I saw him wince in pain as he did so which made me grip on both of his shoulders to settle him back to his original position. He held his right hand on my left arm which pulled me closer to his face. Too close to see the blue fading to turquoise as the colours moved farther from his pupils. Who knew the summer were winter up-close?

“Listen Erik, this is absolutely not your fault. I’m the one who wasn’t looking at the road. It hurts me to see you in pain, so no more tears ‘kay?” He immediately looked away as the words spilled out of his mouth. My eyes were wide with confusion. Why did he care so much about me? We were strangers to each other since the first time I saw him. I wanted to ask but he immediately diverted the topic on to something else.

“You look... Different” He frowned as he gripped on my fragile twig arm looking at it like it was a foreign object. The insecurities took over me and I withdrew my arm and hid it behind my back.

“I look shit right?” I gave him a weak smile as the tears fell with a weak giggle.

“You look way skinnier than the last time I saw you” He observed my entire body with judging eyes. I felt terrible since I’ve neglected my fitness and health for the past year. Who would be able to eat properly knowing that you almost killed a person? More importantly, the person whom I love?

“Your arms had way more muscles than I remembered and holy cow wow, where are your calves?” Red started forming on my face. Did he used to check me out? How the shit does he know the external features of my body? I was practically invisible in school and no one really cared about my physique. Maybe it’s one of those guy things where you compare muscles with others and he just happened to compare me with him. It’s probably that.

“School has been very stressful recently with the half yearlies coming up” I looked down and bit my lip. He can’t know I flunked and dropped out of high school because of my damaged mental state. I would’ve not been able to take all of it if I added the stress from school to my massive accumulating stress that I collected for the past few months. So I made the decision to just let it go for a while.

“Fair enough” He raised his brow as he nodded to my reply. Looking convinced.

“But as soon as I get outta here, you are definitely hitting the gym with me” He jokingly punched my face. What was with this sudden unexpected development? Why did he want to acquaint himself with someone like me? He was good-looking, cool and athletic. We were polar opposites yet he seems so eager to be my friend, which was nice. Everything felt new yet familiar.

We continued to exchange words but there were long awkward pauses between replies since we didn’t know how to react to the other’s given topic. We tried as hard as we could to find a common interest to talk about with each other but we just couldn’t hit the right spot. It must be painfully cringing to watch us talk as we continued a conversation that never worked no matter how hard we tried. We were different as day and night. I was talking about a game he has never played before and he was talking about sports which I found unamusing. Though we should never cross each other’s paths, there is this bond that kept us together.

“Wow, we are having a really shitty convo huh?” He blurted out as Gabriel gave me a goofy smile which I have never seen before in the four years of my life with him at high school. He always had that cold vibe whenever his alone or with his friends. Could I have broken that facade? He looked so comfortable around me. As if the miasma that stayed with him for so long suddenly vanished.

“We sure are. I personally don’t like sports” Fuck. How the shit did that slip out of my mouth? Gabriel will probably hate me forever for my bold remark. He was a sports addict. It was his whole life and he was damn good at it and here I was displaying my disinterest in something he loves so much. We would definitely not work. Not even as friends. I could feel this conversation going downhill very fast and he’ll probably kick me out any second now.

“And I don’t like Nintendo. I’ve grown out of it and haven’t heard of Mario since I was ten. I think their games are too childish and I hate it” He continued to grace me with his gorgeous eye smile. I should feel offended but I was busy melting too hard. Is this is way of hurting someone? Give them the most perfect and lovable smile while stabbing them with a dagger? I was a massive Nintendo fan since the Nintendo 64 came out and gaming is one of the main sources of my motivation in life but I just can’t seem to shove this hater away from me. It’s strange how it was impossible for him to make me angry. I had to come up with a response but it was way too awkward now. We finally stopped trying and voiced out our honest opinions about each other’s interest. I tried, he tried but this was getting forced and now it is at its breaking point even though I wanted to stay. Yup, time to leave.

“I should go” I said blandly with a fake smile. I think I made the right decision. We can’t be friends, ever. What we are didn’t connect at all. He loves what I hate and vice versa. It’s a shame though. Our choice of words did not match-up with the way that we looked at each other. His eyes glowed with fascination even if he didn’t like ‘link between worlds’ and my eyes refused to turn back as he talked about the FIFA world cup and how he was lucky that he got to watch it before he got hit by a bus two days after. I wanted to stay. To just appreciate his beautiful god-like features but there wasn’t any logical reason to. I immediately stood up but before I could reach the door Gabriel whimpered and I had to look back to see what was wrong. Gabriel started crying. His gorgeous eyes were tainted with a small shade of pink and it looked down on his hand. OH MY GOD! He’s crying! What do I do?! For some reason it hurts to see him like this, his tears made me want to shed tears because he was shedding tears, fuck I’m wasted. As if our emotions intertwined with each other. I have to go back to him. To fix the aching pain in his heart till it dissipates and never come back ever again.

“What’s wrong?” I asked softly as I was too afraid that I might hurt the fragile little flower in front of me.

“I feel so alone” He said in the same manner as me when I was apologising for my ‘double slap’. Ugh references, not now.

“Hold me? Please?” He pleaded desperately as the tears fell down in an immense rate. I can’t possibly deny Gabriel of whatever that can stop him from being sad right now. I’d die trying to get that goofy smile back on his face. He is very important to me. Do I have a reason? No. The feeling in my gut told me so. I lay beside him on his bed wrapping my left arm around him and my right hand fell on his now long brown hair which he always kept short before the accident. It felt incredibly natural. As if we were designed for each other. My whole body felt perfectly around his and my heart was filled with explosions of different emotions mixed together which materialised the big slurry of unknown that took refuge in my heart.

“DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME EVER AGAIN! EVER” He said in a very indignant tone as he buried his face deep into the crevices of my heart, I mean chest. I’m getting too poetic.

“I’ll always be here”

“Promise?”

“I, Erik Christiansen promise to always be here for you and will never leave your side” I held his face to make his eyes meet up with mine for him to see the sincerity in my heart and the love that I have for this dudicle I’m cuddling with. “Ever” And I proceeded to kiss his forehead. Wait, what. A KISS?! Why did I just kiss him?! I was so caught up in the moment that I accidentally did that! I am really getting scared with the changes that are happening to me recently as if I’m becoming this big ball of emotion. Alrighty perv, let’s brace ourselves for the hardest punch you’ve ever had in your whole entire life! 3... 2... 1...

“I knew you’d come back” What? I don’t see any bruises on my face and my teeth are still intact. Weird... He gave me a smile that made me remember that life isn’t too bad. That no matter how terrible and difficult it is as long as you’re with the person that you love, it makes it worth living for. After a brief moment of eye contact he hurriedly buried his face on my chest again.

“Do that thing again”

“What thing?”

“Just put your hand on my head, please?” He whispered while his face was still stuck somewhere in my heart. And so I do. I’ve never felt so complete in my whole entire life. I feel like I’ve always belonged here with Gabriel with his faint scent of home.

We stayed wrapped in each other as if it was our only purpose in the world. Though we had to separate since the nurse had to do some rounds during the afternoon and were shocked to see the patient awake cuddling with a guy which was supposed to be awkward but who the fuck cares? I’m wrapped up with the love of my life in a hospital bed, I couldn’t ask for more. I felt so amazing inside; of all people I was the only one that saw the real Gabriel. He always looked tough, almost too stiff (even though I find that kinda cool but he’s cooler now!) when he’s around his clique but what I saw today was nothing like that. He was a very emotional, vulnerable child that found comfort in skinship and oddly through my touch. I used to look at him from afar and was content with that but now it’s different. I want to know Gabriel more, to study the patterns of the cute little gestures he made, the way his tone of voice differs from different emotions he expressed, to know his whole story and his deepest darkest secrets. I want to destroy the ice prince to completely reveal the colourful person that I love so much. I’ve never been so determined in my whole fucking pathetic life. I want to be his real friend. Not just some shallow small talk kind but the type where he is comfortable enough to talk to me about the dark feelings he harboured inside or the things that make him genuinely happy.

“Do you have to go?” He whined like a child.

“My shirt is soaked up in tears and saliva, yes” That’s hardly the reason. I needed to leave in order to clear my mind. Everything that happened today made me emotionally exhausted and I needed a time out. No matter how much I love the boy, I was naturally an introvert and I needed my alone time now.

“Will you promise to come back tomorrow?” He pouted. I think I broke him too hard, I felt like talking to a ten-year old. But it was cute.

“Of course I’ll be here Gabe” I flashed him a smile which made his eyes as big as the moon then a few moments later he retreated back to his goofy smile. I wonder what that one meant.

“Thanks for today Erik. I needed that” He held my hands with a strong but comfortable grip. Gosh it was so warm. Feels good! I knew he wasn’t planning on letting go so I did and it made his expression a bit sour. Gabriel depended on me a lot for reasons I do not know as of now. Hopefully, I’ll squeeze it out of him in the near future if ever our relationship deepens.

I went home with the largest grin on my face. Butterflies that felt more painful than diarrhoea, oops I totally ruined that one. My heart still beating fast and hasn’t stop since he woke up. My limbs were weak and shaky and my eyes occasionally getting teary eyed. I felt like I was sick but good sick, I mean love sick. I liked being alone but tonight I wanted to go back, to feel his warmth and to see his Duchenne smile again. I can’t imagine myself with anyone. I was his and even if we just stayed friends forever, I’d be fine as long as I get to be by his side.

I inserted the key in the door of our two bed room flat but it was already unlocked. Sigh, she’s home. I don’t know how she has so much trust in our neighbourhood, you could get robbed, murdered and raped everywhere and she chooses to leave the damn thing unlocked. God, is it so hard to click the lock button? I walked inside to expect my annoyingly loud mess of a big sister but it was surprisingly calm and I could only hear a quiet conversation going on in the living room. Oh, it’s Joey.

“Hey ya ding dong!” He shouted as he grinned at me like the emotional drama that we had yesterday had never happened at all.

“What are you doing here?” I asked confused with my own question. Our flat was basically Joey’s second home. He spent more of his days in this dump than his fancy-ass modern design mansion. Yeah, they kinda run an old family-owned cake shop. While his mom is buried behind papers, his dad made the cake. I mean it’s not a two-man show they had a lot of employees but his parents chose to be hands on in the business which is why they came home really late. Joey was strong and he never complained or argued with them. I really respect his maturity. Joey could be too understanding sometimes.

“Why? You don’t want me here?” He faked a frown. No seriously, why did I ask that? Is it because my brain wanted to be so loyal to Gabriel that another guy in my room will send me into a guilt trip? This love thing is getting way out of hand but Joey is still my best friend and he is one of the most important people in my life. How could I refuse my guardian angel?

“You’re acting all coo coo brother dear” Andrea said as she made the ‘crazy’ hand gestures.

“So what happened?” She raised a brow trying to expect an answer. HELL NO! She’d go bat-shit crazy about this love sick thing going on with Gabriel. She’d talk about it for YEARS to come. If she still tortured me about mistaking poop for chocolate in year 3, this topic will be discussed till she was on her death bed! Everyday felt like living with an annoying little sister except she’s 27-YEARS OLD. Instead of dinner, she would sometimes bring home a gallon of ‘loli bag’ flavoured ice cream and at least two kilograms of junk food. I swear the world will end before she starts acting her own age.

“This is something that I will never discuss with you” I rolled my eyes as I sat between the idiots on our battered couch that was thrown out by some yuppie dude. It looked good as new before and it was hell carrying it from Rose Bay to Woollahra which translates to forty minutes of walking uphill with a fucking couch!

“But you’d discuss it with me right?” Joey winked at me as he leaned his body slightly to me. It used to feel so normal but now that I knew his true feelings. It makes me a bit uneasy.

“Sorry Drei!” He said. God I hate that nickname. My sister always tried to act cool and everyone called her that. Okay I have to admit, she was kind of cool and everyone thought so too but it’s not good having it around the house all of the time and sometimes I wish I could just live with a strict, responsible adult. I felt responsible for her even though it should be the other way around!

“Sometimes I feel like you came from the same vagina as me and this prick, hell, I don’t even think I came from that!” She said as she planted a big wet kiss on my cheek. Yuck! But it felt nice though, even though she acts like a total ‘twelvie’. I felt that she cared for me and it gave me a sense of security.

“I’m gonna have my beauty sle...”

“Ugly” I said as I wiped her saliva on her face.

“You’re going to have to sleep with one eye open tonight, good night fags” She gave the creepiest smile as she left the room. Her parting sentence made me shudder. Does she know?

This was the first time in my life that I wished my sister stayed in the room for a little longer. The living room was silent and awkward. Well it was more like I made it awkward as I kept thinking about our conversation yesterday and stayed quiet because of it. Joey leaned his whole back on my side as he settled his nape and the back of his head on my shoulder. He smelt good; a slight scent of lady shampoo infused with a boyish smell filled his golden hair. My whole left side was enveloped by warmth from his back. This type of affection became a norm after Gabriel’s accident but tonight felt different because he has now exposed himself to me. I know how he feels and I know he is not doing this just because of friendship. It ran deeper. It was love.

“So are you never going to talk to me?” He said.

“It just feels awkward as hell you know?” I had to tell him. Joey was a true friend and he deserves the truth.

“That I have the boner for you?” He snickered as he rubbed his soft fluffed hair on my face. Sometimes I get jealous of how real he is.

“Well... Uh... I mean that’s natural if you like someone right?” I whispered trying to be comfortable about this subject.

“I don’t just LIKE you. I LOVE you” He flashed his emeralds at me for a brief moment that flooded my face with a deep shade of red. Silence filled the room again as I tried absorbing his words. It was so easy for him to say but so hard for me to imagine. He was gorgeous and has a fucking colourful personality. Joey was the full package yet he chooses to love a flawed person like me. I wonder what was wrong with me. I’m gay, his gay, he knows me too well, I know him too and his every being but most importantly it was clear that he loves me. Yet, I chose to struggle with me and Gabriel’s indifference and vague relationship.

“I’d so three-stock you with Peach!” Goddamn it. I can’t find the courage to answer him. I always chicken out when stuff gets deep. I totally fucked up.

“You are on!” He rose as he turned on the game cube. He was a great dude. He always knew what to do when I handled stuff terribly. I hope I could be as open as him some day.

What was supposed to be one round turned into thirty and by the time we crawled into our mattress and bed it was already 3am. It was always fun having Joey around, there was never a boring moment and the ‘big talk’ tonight just suddenly vanished and it made me relieved. I really need to fix this shit in the future. Moments later, I felt my bed getting heavier and a slim arm snaked its way around my torso. The warmth of his body was behind my back and I felt like I just betrayed the love of my life because it felt so damn good! Gabriel crept in my heart and I knew I had to stop this.

“Joey” I whispered as I slightly tapped on his big slim hands as a gesture to stop its warm gentle invasion of my body.

“We’ve done this for so long. Why stop now?” He sounded hurt.

I was speechless. I know this meant something else but I was too afraid to bring it up right now. I sighed and let him do as he pleases. It felt so wrong, yet so good. Everything would’ve been easier if I have fallen for him instead. I’m really fucked up in the brain. I drifted off into the dream world and it was filled with nothing but my true love, Gabe. I was betraying both of them and I felt like the worse human being.

The sunlight told my eye lids to open but it protested for about five minutes before they fluttered open. I felt more than Joey’s warmth this time. There was ‘something hard’ touching my butt cheek. He unconsciously grinded on me for a few seconds, I knew he wasn’t pretending since he did it while doing his signature most silent snore in the world. It was like listening to a baby BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW A BONER IS STICKING ON MY ASS. How did I get stuck in such a sticky situation? Oh right, I asked for this. What was I supposed to do? Every time I lightly nudge him, he just kept pushing more and more making my own magical stick of love the same scale of hardness as him. I finally gave up and just chose to wake him up.

“Joey”

“Hmm?” A raspy voice came out of his mouth.

“Your thingy is kinda on my...”

“Oh soz, that shit kinda just happens y’know” He then proceeded to detach himself from me.

After removing himself, he leaned his face near my ear and whispered in the most sensual tone.

“And cus you’re kinda hot too” He giggled as he hopped off the bed and into the living room to calm himself down I suppose. I should probably put my guard up from now on. I spent the next half an hour imagining the sensation of Joey’s hard-on on my ass. It felt fucking fantastic and I just wanted it inside of m... Okay, we should stop. My teenage hormones are getting the best of me.

My raging member finally deflated once I smelt pancakes cooking in the kitchen. The aroma of the buttery fluff on top of nutella just got me going crazy. I sat on the table and as usual, there was just an unnecessary amount of food everywhere! This would’ve been so worth it if I was a big eater but Jesus Christ, she knew I ate like an ant and that is all I could digest in my tiny stomach.

“Here you go sir, earl grey tea with lemon and three teaspoons of sugar and two pieces of pancakes smothered generously with nutella” She said as if she was a waitress working in a fancy restaurant. She knows this is all I ate and yet she cooked at least fifteen pieces of bacon, a shit ton of sausages and a large plate of scrambled eggs that was as high as Mount Everest.

“Why do we have enough food to feed the whole neighbourhood?”

“I was hoping that someday you could bulk up! Just look at your arms!” She said disgustingly. It made me feel a bit warm inside whenever she does something mother-like.

“I don’t mind” Joey smiled at me as he took a sip of chocolate milk that covered the top of his strawberry lips. It was supposed to be sexy but he was still a dork deep inside.

The comment made me blush so I quickly hid it by burying myself in my glorious pancakes but WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. JUST HOLD UP! Why does the nutella taste SALTY? Everyone saw the distortion on my face and they giggle as I spat it out and wipe my tongue with the serviette next to me.

“I might’ve spiced things up a little” Andrea winked at me as she wiggled a jar of vegemite in front of my face. This is why I lean on hating her more than liking her.

“Ugly” She stuck her tongue as she took the pancakes in my plate to switch it with hers. She would eat ANYTHING. I don’t understand how people can eat vegemite. I mean it’s just salty. There’s no real flavour to it.

“If I had a chainsaw right now, I would be the happiest person alive” I said as I mimicked her creepy smile from last night.

“Too dark, man” Joey giggled. It used to be a normal thing to hear it come out of his mouth but now it made me feel all funny inside. It’s like I’m starting to see him in a different way. Is it possible to fall in love with two people? My heart needs to stop being the indecisive crap it is.

Brekkie took longer than usual and Andrea was getting late so she had to run bare foot with her shoes on her hands to get to the bus stop. Joey sat from across the table and just stared at me. This poor helplessly in love sweet boy can’t even hide his feelings for me.

“Don’t you need to be somewhere else?” I asked as I looked at the clock. 9am, roll call has already begun and he did not look like he’d mind being late.

“I don’t think so. This is where I’m supposed to be” He gave me lopsided grin that almost killed me.

“Look Joey, I’ve been a pussy about this whole thing for quite a while now” He nodded. Ouch, he didn’t even deny that. It seems like he was really waiting for this and I was the one holding him back.

“I’m sorry but I can’t return your love”

“Your eyes are betraying you”

“What? I don’t know what you mean”

“Your eyes get a little bit larger when you lie. Oh, and also you’re nostrils are puffed and you’ve been biting your lips, yep, definitely lying” Fuck, why does he have to know me inside and out? Wait, does this mean that I have feelings for him? What.

I just sat there flabbergasted by the sudden realisation. I did love him! We’ve been friends for the longest time. We’ve helped each other out in difficult times. We took care of each other although it had been one-sided recently. We knew each other like the back of our hands. It was always there but I chose to shove it away because I was scared that this friendship might dissolve. I didn’t want that. I never want to lose him. But I love Gabriel too. Can I have both? What the fuck? Why would that even cross my mind?

“It’s nice to know that you love me back hehe” He leaned forward to the table so that I could see his emeralds in a much better view. Green eyes that stare with passion and dedication, a perfectly carved thin nose, lips that were effortlessly red and freckles that were scattered above his nose that was supposed to be his only imperfection but I found it very cute. He is absolutely gorgeous.

“I probably do ok?” I said which made his ears turn crimson and he looked away for a second. I can’t believe I’m making this gorgeous hunk in front of me flustered.

“I’d be stupid not to. You have no idea how great you are Joey! You’ve always been there for me, you never grew tired of my insipid personality and I don’t think I’d ever be close to anyone other than you. I love you” His greens shimmered as tears fell down his eyes. Relieved it wasn’t unrequited, relieved that his feelings were reciprocated. It’s true. Damn, why haven’t I realised this before? I love Joey!

“But here comes the douchy part. I love Gabriel too. Maybe as much as I love you” I said looking down embarrassed of my indecisive nature.

“You are your own person Joey so I’ll give you two choices. I’m a tripping douche so you could give up your feelings for me now so I won’t be able to hurt you even further, of course, I will still be your best friend or you could wait till I make my decision because right now, I really don’t understand how my heart works”

“Didn’t we already agree on this? I’ll wait till you find your stupid key” He said as he went back to his seat looking a tad bit disappointed with the following words after my bold confession.

“That was only you back then”

“I guess now its official, plus now I have a bigger incentive for waiting” He raised a brow as he dragged his face to mine to kiss my cheek. I almost blew up then and there. His lips were so soft and his cute nose brushed against my cheek while he did it. The sensation was real. It was solid love.

I was filled with guilt. I love both Gabriel and Joey. They both weighed equally in my heart although I am now certain as of why I love Joey. But the root of my feelings for Gabriel still remained unknown. Will I ever find it? Or will I abandon the ship to settle for the treasure that is now offered before my eyes?

“I love you too” Joey said in the sweetest tone that filled my heart with a strange sensation- Love.