Knots 5

Chapter 13

Andy

Like I said last time, our session began as it always did, with the question, “How did your week go?”

“I’m not sure,” I said with all honesty

He smiled. “Why?”

“Consequences, Doc. My week had consequences I didn’t expect.”

“Tell me about it.”

I knocked his knee with my knee. “Do you want to hear everything?”

“No. Just the consequences will do.”

I frowned. “I thought so. Well, against your advice, I got the guys together for a foursome, including Matt. Matt didn’t really want to do it, and the only reason he did was because he’d given me his word. Sometimes doing the right thing can have its own consequences.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Matt liked it so much he told me that he didn’t think our sex will be very exciting compared to the foursome. I can’t understand it. I love all sex, and the sex with Matt is special.”

He wrote something down on his pad. “Are you saying that Matt doesn’t find the sex with you special?”

“Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Is it possible that for Matt, it might be special but not in the same way you think it’s special?”

I nodded. “That’s possible. But I only think he wants to have group sex from now on.”

“You mean you think he won’t want to have sex with you, or if he does, he won’t enjoy it as much?”

“Yep. That’s exactly what I mean. Doesn’t it seem obvious?”

“Did he say that?”

“No, not in so many words. But he was so excited about getting together with those guys again. I’m never going to get him. He loves me, but not enough. He’s all into himself and doesn’t give a damn about me.”

“Do you really believe that?”

I paused. “It seems that way.”

Dr. Walker leaned his elbows on his knees. “Whose idea was the foursome?”

“Mine.”

“Did he want to be in the foursome?”

“No.”

“So why are you blaming Matt?”

I put my forearms on my thighs and my face in my hands. “Because of what he said. He told me our sex wasn’t ever going to be as good as group sex. Matt was so turned on, and it was like he was a chameleon and changed just like that.” I snapped my fingers.

Walker leaned back in his chair. “Be honest, Andy. How did it happen? Why did it happen?”

Another long pause. “I suggested the foursome. I pressured Matt into it. I didn’t listen to you.”

He smiled. “Did I tell you not to have the foursome?”

Another pause. “Well, no. But…but, I could tell you thought it was a dumb idea.”

“How could you tell?”

“To be honest, Doc, I have no idea. I could just tell when you said the decision was up to me. Even though you told me it was my decision, I could tell you thought it was wrong. But I ignored the feeling.”

Then he asked a simple question. “Why?”

“I…I suppose it was because I thought the sex would be fun and exciting.”

“Isn’t that what Matt kind of said?”

“Yeah, but he added that our sex would never be the same.”

“Isn’t that what you were pretty much saying when you suggested the foursome in the first place? You and Matt could have continued to have sex like you always did, but you wanted the foursome. Isn’t that right?”

I took a deep breath and let the air out in a sigh. “Yes, Doc. That’s right.”

He wrote something on his notepad. “So where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know, Doc. That’s why I’m here. Can’t you just tell me?”

“Wouldn’t it be nice if life could be so simple?”

“Yes, Doc, but I’m slowly learning that it isn’t. I’m wondering if I’ll ever learn.”

Walker surprised me when he said, “I have a plan.”

“I’m ready, Doc. Spill it.”

He cleared his throat. “Tell me what you think the plan is.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “I don’t have the slightest idea.”

“Give it a shot.”

“I guess I could start by avoiding another foursome or any group sex of any kind.” “That could be part of it. What else?”

“I’ll tell Matt that I’d prefer it if he didn’t do it either.”

“Do you think he’d agree?”

“Maybe, if I didn’t do it either.”

He wrote something down. “Do you think that will work?”

“No. But it’s worth a try.”

“What else might you do?”

I squirmed in my chair. “I don’t know, Doc. Maybe just give up on Matt and me ever having a relationship.”

“That’s a possibility, Andy. Are you willing to do that?”

“Not really.”

“What if it’s the only solution?”

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ceiling. This is my preferred position when I feel like I’ve been backed into a corner. “Doc, there has to be something else.”

“Let me pose a possible solution to your dilemma.”

I sat up straight. “You’re actually going to tell me something? Should I brace myself?”

“Not funny, Andy. You’ve kind of answered the question already. Think about this for a minute. You gave yourself completely to Dillon Burke, right?”

“Yeah, and the a-hole betrayed me.”

“My question to you is, for right now, should you give yourself completely to anyone? That includes Matt. Aren’t you just setting yourself up for failure, or if nothing else, setting yourself up for some pain?”

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, Doc, a whole lot of pain and disappointment.”

“As you look back, what are some of the happiest times you’ve shared with Matt?”

“There are many, Doc. We raced our bikes; swam at the pond; had our friends come out with us; played football and basketball together; spent hours in each other’s rooms or at each other’s houses playing games, wrestling; mowed lawns together…”

“So could you say, you have had many happy times that didn’t include sex?”

“Yes. A lot.”

“So what do you think my plan is?”

“Damn, Doc. Just tell me.”

“No, Andy. Give me an answer.”

“Well, I guess…I guess…maybe, just be friends, and forget the sex unless he wants to have sex.”

“That could work. Do you think you should have sex even if he wants it?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t turn him down.”

“Haven’t you found that if you can’t have something, you want it even more?”

“Yep. For sure.”

“So what might you do?”

“I could say no.”

“You could. But what else might you do?”

“Talk to him. Explain things. Tell him that for now I think it would better if we don’t have sex. But I don’t think I’ll have to worry about it because I don’t think he wants to have sex with me anyway. He only wants group sex.”

“So you think he’ll never want to have sex with you again?”

“At least not right now.”

“Andy, this is one of those situations where you need to be patient. Don’t push it. Just let things take their natural course. Don’t participate in the group sex, just like you suggested. Then wait and see what happens. Can you do that?”

I leaned on my elbows. “It will be hard, but I’ll try.”

“No, Andy. Don’t try. Do it. Can you do it? Will you do it?”

“Yeah, Doc. I give you my word.”

Matt

Andy had gone to see Dr. Walker between practices, so I didn’t see him again until just before the last practice. That’s when I attempted to apologize and fix things. But he wasn’t ready to talk, so we agreed to talk after practice.

I made a mistake when I told Andy our sex wasn’t good enough. That’s the way I felt at the time, but now that I’ve had time to think about it, I was wrong, and then when I tried to make things right, he said everything was fine and we should just be friends. That’s all we had time for before practice.

*****

Football practice had been going pretty well. Jackass Barnes was still being a jackass. He and his small group of homophobes made it their job to harass, Andy, Thomas, Colt, and me whenever they had a chance. We could have reported it to Coach Gilbert, but it didn’t seem worth the effort since everyone else on the team was cool. Coach Gilbert settled most of the problems when he sat us all down and laid things out after the Dillon Burke trial. But he repeated his speech again at the beginning of every season.

I was the starting quarterback, and Thomas and Andy had earned starting halfback positions, so what Barnes and his buddies thought or said really didn’t make any difference. I was happy to remind them of that. “Barnes, you’re still a jackass. In fact, I don’t think you’re a jackass anymore; you’re just a plain ass. At least a jackass has some brains and learns, but you’re still as stupid as you’ve always been.”

He got in my face when I said that. Andy and the others stood behind me as Barnes’ supporters got behind him.

“Take that back!”

“Fuck you, Barnes. If you don’t like it, leave us alone. You know where Coach Gilbert stands, and yet you and your sycophants keep at us. Get over it.”

He moved in closer. “What the fuck is a sycophant?”

“Barnes, you’re so fucking stupid you don’t even have the sense to act like you know what the word means. Someone with any brains would have just gotten pissed and acted like he knew what it meant. A sycophant is a suck-up. I guess I could say you and your minions, but you probably don’t know what the word minion means either. So suck-up will have to do.” Barnes pushed me, and I stepped back. “Go ahead and hit me Barnes. Then you’ll be benched.”

Mel Jacobs, one of Jackasses’ minions, put his hand on Barnes’ shoulder and said, “Jack, let’s go. These guys aren’t worth our time.”

Barnes saw it as his way out. “You’re right, Mel. Let’s get out of here before I kick the shit out of this homo.”

I wanted to hit Barnes so badly and started to move toward him as he turned and walked away. Andy grabbed me. “Matt, maybe you should follow your own advice.”

He was right.

*****

Andy and I walked home together after practice and talked. “Andy, I’m sorry about what I said the other day. Sex with you will still be special. I was caught up in the heat of the moment.”

“I understand, Matt. But I think we should just be friends for now. It’s nothing personal. I talked to Dr. Walker, and we have an agreement. You mean a lot to me. I love you, and I know you love me. What we have goes beyond sex, and I think for now we should just enjoy our friendship. Do you understand?”

“Kinda. But what am I going to do when I’m horny? What are you going to do?”

“Nothing for now. At least I’m going to try. I loved the foursome as much as you. I was just hurt when you said you wouldn’t find sex with me as enjoyable anymore after that. It just seems that for now we should just wait.”

“For how long?”

“Maybe a month or so. Let’s say, until after our second football game.”

“I don’t know if I can wait that long. Are you sure you can wait?”

“I don’t know either, but I’m going to do my best. Let’s see how it goes. Dr. Walker seems to think this is the best way.”

That didn’t make any sense to me. Since when does Dr. Walker tell us what we should do? “Did he tell you that?”

He stopped walking. “Not in so many words. You know how he is. He asked me what I thought I should do, and this is what I came up with. He made me promise I would do it.”

“Did you consider how it would affect me?”

“Yes. But you had already hurt me, and I wanted to get over the hurt, and abstaining seemed like the best idea at the time. After all, you were the one who said our sex wouldn’t be the same. I couldn’t believe you told me that.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“Well, sorry doesn’t cut it. I love you, Matt, and I know you don’t want to settle down in a relationship, and I can accept that. But you need to treat me with respect.”

We started walking again. “I know. I was wrong.”

“Yes you were, and I appreciate your apology. But actions have consequences, and maybe if I wasn’t seeing Dr. Walker, things would just go back to normal. But I made him a promise.”

“You could always break it. He wouldn’t know.”

He stopped walking again. “What are you, the devil? Of course I could. But I won’t, and I know down deep you wouldn’t want me to or expect me to.”

“Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

“True. But there is nothing preventing you from getting together with Ashton and Scott if you wanted to.”

I patted him on the back. “I’m not sure what’s happening, but it seems like we’ve switched roles. You’re the levelheaded one, and I’m the one thinking with his cock. Maybe I should go back to Dr. Walker too.”

“Maybe you should. We’ve been through a lot of crap, and it’s all inside us, and who knows how those knots you like to talk about affect us. Talking to Doc Walker has helped a lot. What I like is that he never passes judgment on me. He guides me, but doesn’t make decisions for me. What do you think your parents would say?”

“I don’t know. They would want to know what was wrong and why I wanted to go. I’m not sure what I’d tell them.”

“Tell them there are a few more things you need to work out that you can’t talk to them about. That worked for me.”

I couldn’t help but wonder what guys do who couldn’t afford a therapist or were too embarrassed to go to one. I wasn’t sure I was ready, so I didn’t do anything. But what I did do when I got home was stupid. I called Colt to see if he wanted to get together, and he did. Someone new seemed almost as exciting as a foursome. You could begin to see why Andy and I called our book Knots.

Colt

Colt couldn’t believe it. He was surprised when Matt called and wanted to get together. That’s how he put it. “Let’s get together.” Matt didn’t say anything about sex, but Colt figured that’s what he meant. This was just what Colt wanted when he’d talked to Thomas about wanting to fly. Here was his chance to see what it was like to be with someone else, and if it was going to be anyone, Matt was the one he wanted. Zoe would have to wait. He was hoping Matt would suggest an orgy with himself, Ashton, Scott, Andy, and him. Colt may have wanted that, but decided he'd he’d have to be satisfied with just Matt for the time being.

“What do you have in mind, Matt?”

“Thought we could talk. Let’s get together after tomorrow’s practice. We could head out to the pond for a swim.”

“Sounds great.”

“We’ll have to ride our bikes; I can’t get the car.”

“That’s fine. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“No, I have everything covered.”

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Chapter Quotes

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. --Jim Morrison

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. -- Thomas Jefferson

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. -- Yehuda Berg

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. -- Dalai Lama

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