Light at the end of the tunnel - 1. I’m a lover, not a fighter

This has probably been the longest day of school I’ve ever experienced. I swear, by the end of the day I was surprised I had not melted with my own chair! You can easily imagine the relief I felt when I heard the final bell free me from this prison. Plus, this was the weekend! And who says Friday says… fun at Michael’s place!

I was waiting outside the gates, leaning casually on the school’s fence. Peeking at my watch, I knew Max had probably been held back by his teacher again. Maybe if he behaved a bit, we wouldn’t be as late as we usually are. I decided to make the most of the wait and let my eyes wander over the new faces crossing the gates. Among the dozens of teens, my eyes laid on a short, slender blonde girl I had never noticed before. Damn she was pretty. Not a single hair was out of place, her emerald eyes had this mesmerizing glow that would make you feel drawn to her, and her… Wait. Who’s this? As I was shamelessly ogling her up, a slight frame caught my attention. I twisted myself a bit to get a better look of her and… ohhhhhhh. He had his back on me; I couldn't see his face, but at least he was now perfectly visible.

This was the very first time I saw him, but I was instantly charmed. He was wearing perfect fitting cream cargo pants – the kind with enough pockets to challenge a girl’s handbag. They were falling on a pair of brown vans. His plain white t-shirt threw a perfect contrast with his short honey-blond hair, and the sleeves were short enough to display a tiny scar just above his right elbow. He was a bit shorter than me but I could tell he was about my age – after years of school, you start to develop a talent for this kind of thing – and as cute as he was… when he stretched slightly (after all, this day must have been at least as boring for him than it was for me), I was almost expecting him to purr. His shirt slightly raised as his body tightened and revealed to my eyes a pair of black boxers peeking out of his pants.

I wish I could see his face. Maybe if I walk to him, and engage him in some kind of conversation… “Hey, my name is Lucas!” But… then what? At best, he will tell me his name, and we’ll stand there awkwardly. And I’d be tagged as a creep for the rest of the year. Sigh… I’ll just find a way later.

“Hey bro!” Max’s hand landed on my shoulder. “You ready?”

“Am I ready?! Dude, I’ve been waiting for you for like, two hours now!” I whined. “What the hell did you do this time to be held after class?”

“Nothing! The teacher is just crazy! I was talking with the girl I told you about, you know, Jessica. And then he just rambled for ages about how I should be quiet in class, and blablabla. By the way dude, did you know that she was…”

Blablabla. Exactly. I knew he would keep babbling about her for minutes, so I figured I’d just take some time to think. A few nods, a “no shit?!” here and there, and he’d think I was listening. My thoughts wandered off to the boy I laid my eyes on a bit earlier. I wonder what his name is. I’m sure it’s a cute name. Like Mathéo or Gabriel. Yea, Gabriel would fit him so well! And I’m sure he has blue eyes. He has to have blue eyes. I mean, he’s blond, he’s cute; the next logical step is blue eyes! I wonder where he got his scar. It added this little hint of toughness to his personality that I imagined he had, the one of a sweet, funny, and joyful boy. Or maybe he is a bad boy hidden in the body of a sweet boy. Hehehe. That would be so cool! Except if ma…

“Are you even paying attention?”

I got snapped out of my daydream and crashed hard in the reality. Damn, I might have zoned out way longer than I expected, because we were already in front of the house. I made a safe bet. “Yea of course, you were talking about Jessica!”

“And?”

“And, you were telling me how she had… this. And how she was so… like that,” I said with a slight guilty grin on my face.

“Bro, you suck,” was all he said, and he shoved me playfully toward the house.

I had never really paid attention to it before, but the building really threw a contrast with the surroundings. The contiguous houses were well-proportioned, bearing flawless facades whose dazzling white would force you to look away, as if to draw your gaze to the perfectly maintained lawn. Along the sidewalk would rise the kind of wooden fences you expect from this kind of neighbourhood, majestic carved gates, giving access to slate paving stones, leading to the door. My friend’s house, on the other hand… looked like it had just fell from the sky one morning, drawn from the slum you’d think it belongs. The perfect proportions gave way to narrowness, and so many cracks were running across the walls that I couldn’t believe it hadn’t collapsed under my mere glare. The lawn was nothing but a few yellow grass clumps, and the bit of fence that was left standing would make you wince from its shabby state.

I pushed the gate open as cautiously as I could, but it was hopeless. The ear splitting creaking made me wince and the handle was so loose I thought it’d stay in my hand. Max was soon to follow, and judging by the face he made when he closed it… I was sure he was thinking the same.

Making it to the door was a tough journey. I stumbled over some debris and almost broke my ankle on a lump of earth. I knocked at the door but no one answered.

“Maybe he’s not here?” My voice was probably giving away the disappointment that was building up in me.

“No way bro, it's Friday! Wait, I’m gonna give him a call” He took out his smartphone and dialled. “Yea sup dude? We’re waiting at your door. Hmhm. Alright. Hurry up.” He hung off and turned to me. “Alright, he told me he gotta clean a bit, he’ll open in a few minutes. So… what do you think of Jessica?”

Geez, not again! For the last couple weeks, I couldn’t hang out with him without getting my daily dose of babbling about this girl. I was surprised he hadn’t shown me a tattoo of her name circled in a heart yet.

“Well… From the little you’ve told me about her, she sounds like a nice girl. I don’t think I have seen her though, so I can’t really tell.”

“Of course you’ve seen her, DUH. You were ogling her up when I met you after school.”

Ohhhh… He was probably referring to the stunning girl blocking the view from my dream boy.

“The blond one, you mean? Yea, she’s pretty.” And truth be told, she was pretty. But she definitely was no contest with him.

“Pretty? OMIGOD bro! A puppet is pretty. She’s HOT! Tell me… Any advice about the way I should approach her?”

“Ahem...” This was the one penny question. I’ve never been comfortable asking girls out, let alone boys – although I’m pretty sure he wasn’t interested in my advices on the latter. I thought about the experiences I have had, and how I chickened out not even one hour ago, and came to the conclusion that this was going to be a very uncomfortable discussion. I was fidgeting, looking for a way to get away from what I felt as an inquisition, but nothing came to my mind. “Listen, dude…I’ve nev…”

The door burst open, and a sweating boy was standing in the frame.

“Hey buddies! Sorry for the wait, but you wouldn’t believe how messy my room was. Come in!”

Ouf! Saved by the bell! I hoped into the house before my inquisitor could say anything, and rushed behind Michael up the stairs.

Entering his bedroom, I wondered what took him so long. I mean, the place was still messy! Clothes were lying around the room, piling on the bed and on the floor; the desk was obscured by an impressive amount of empty soda cans; and I could swear I saw some used tissues next to his bed before he threw even more dirty clothes over them. I made some room on the bed and sat, soon joined by the babbling boy.

“So, where is everyone?”

“They called me, they’re on their way. They shouldn’t be long. How about we hit the PlayStation in the meanwhile?”

“Sounds like a plan, bro!”

The console was turned on and turns were taken. After a few minutes, people started to show up. Dylan first, then Vincent brought Tommy and a guy from our gym class. We were now a solid half-dozen teenagers and only one guy was still missing. I wondered how we would fit him in there. We were 3 sitting on the bed, 2 against the wall, Max was now on one chair and Michael was on the second one. Hehe, maybe he’ll sit next to me. That’d be awesome.

“Alright guys, time’s up.” The console was turned off and the computer’s HDMI plugged in the TV. “So…what do you want to watch today? I found some new cool ones… hehehe. We have 'Lara Croft, Womb Raider', 'The Whore of the Rings' and 'Arma-get-it-on'.”

Yeah… I think you’ve eventually figured out what our little… gatherings were about. Michael parents used to work late, so we’d often come to his place to chill. And one day, we searched google and…well, let’s just say things escalated quickly. Since then, it became a kind of “Friday ritual”. Plus… the bro code clearly states that watching porn with friends is only awkward when it comes to the number “2”. If the bro code says that’s not weird, then it’s not… right?

Debates went about whether we should watch the girls-only video or not, but this was not really my concern. Girls were cool, but let’s be honest: I don’t need to come here to watch porn. Above all, coming here meant being surrounded by several cuties giving themselves over to their most intimate activity, and it turned me on more than whatever movie they would pick. Don’t think I’m a perv but…hehe, you can’t imagine what witnessing cute boys fapping and panting can do to a 14 years old boy.

The arguing was cut short by loud knocks on the front door.

“Hey Lucas, would you mind opening the door for them?” Did he say “Them”?

I rushed down the stairs, curious to lay my eyes on the new boy, hoping he would be cute. I tried to take a peek at him through the peephole, but all I could see was Ben making funny face on the other side. I giggled a bit and opened the door. “Hey dork!”

“Dork yourself! Sup buddy? Is everyone in there already?”

“Yea, we weren’t expecting you anymore. I’ve been told you were bringing someone?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s over there. D’you know him? He’s a guy from my history class.” He pointed at a boy struggling with his bike. NO WAY! I could recognize this frame anywhere. What are the odds?! But there was no mistake; he had the same cargo pants, the same white T-shirt, and the same blond hair. This was definitely the boy from earlier.

The boy shook the padlock a few times, to make sure it was well set, and walked toward us. God, he was even cuter facing forward. His pace was delicate but a warming confidence radiated from him. He looked like the kind of boy who didn’t care about the “popularity contests” of high school yet knew very well what he was worth. As he got closer, a smile lightened his face and he held out his hand.

“Hey dude,” was all it took to send me to heaven. I was over the moon when my hand met his and my eyes dropped to the floor as I felt a slight blush travel to my cheeks .

I answered in a quavering voice. “Hiiiii, I’m Lucas.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Nathan.” His hand was a bit sweaty, but his shake was so gentle, and his skin so smooth, that it gave me the confidence to look into his eyes. Did I mention blue eyes before? Forget that! It was a billion times better than that! His quartz almond-shaped eyes were glorified by that ever so subtle shade of green. Looking into them was a unique experience. It looked so peaceful, and yet so troubled. You would be carried in the middle of a stormy sea, rocked in the calmness of the eye of the storm as the raging waves were heavily crashing a few meters away. He had the thinest lips, and a nose so cute I could have given him an eskimo kiss right away – although I’d have been content with a local kiss.

“So… should we get in?” he asked, pulling his hand gently out of mine.

“What? OH! Yeah, come in.” They passed me, and I’m sure I noticed an amused look on his face. Geez, I should get some restraint. Not that kind of restraints, pervs! Hehe. Nathan. Nate. Aww. It sounds definitely better than what I expected. And it fit him so well! A sigh escaped my lips as it echoed in my head a few times. I took a few seconds to regain my senses and followed them.

When I got into the room again, I seized my chance to get my spot on the bed back as they were busy greeting everyone. Much to my surprise, and disappointment, Ben sat against the bed frame. But… wait…that means… Before I could process it, he hopped on the bed next to me, wiggling his butt to make room.

“You don’t mind if I sit here?” Do I mind?! I’d have paid him to sit here!

“No… I don’t… mind,” was all I could mutter. What’s wrong with my voice anyway?! Every single time I open my mouth to talk to him, I sound like a teenage girl meeting Justin Bieber!

“Cool!” He favoured me with a big smile and I did my best not to slip off the bed.

They had apparently settled the debate while I was downstairs, and Michael played one of the movies on VLC. The minute the movie started, the room was braced in a religious silence and not a single word was uttered. Every single pair of eyes was staring at the screen, as if everyone was waiting for some kind of transcendental experience to begin.

Given the first images that played on the screen, I’m pretty sure they went for “Lara Croft, the Womb Raider”. A – hot – girl in dark green shorts was in a forest with a guy, holding at gunpoint some native girl very slightly dressed. Her friend looked like he was on the edge of passing out from fear, and she yelled at him in an authoritarian voice “RUN! Don’t wait for me!”. Geez, because a half-naked girl held at gunpoint is definitely a lethal threat.. Anyway. After a few lame developments, Lara Croft and the wild girl ended up, I don’t really know how, making out against a tree. Alright, I know this is merely a porn movie, but Jesus, they could be a bit more creative and give us some real plot!

The guys, on the other hand, seemed to be way more interested than I was in the movie. I heard a few zips, which were soon followed by sounds of flesh. I mean, REAL sounds. One guy was beating it so furiously that I’m sure the neighbours could hear it, and I was almost expecting his… thing to go loose and remain in his hand by the end of his session.

I let my eyes wander very cautiously around the room. I definitely don’t want to get caught looking at another boy's willy – and if it were to happen, I pray god it wouldn’t be in a room full of schoolmates. After a few Fridays, I’ve developed a safe technique to do so: keep your head locked on the screen, and just move your eyes. I figured out Nathan was way too close for me to peek at him, so I focused on the guy from the gym. Uh huh, nature has been really kind with someone. I had a perfect view of him as he was sitting against the wall on my left, and I shamelessly made the best of it. His hand was wrapped around his six inches, and his gestures were so delicate that picturing myself in his grip made me dizzy. Hmmmmmmm. His belly would rise ever so gently every few seconds as a faint and sexy sigh escaped his lips.

The sight was awesome, and as you can guess, I’ve never laid my eyes back onto the screen once his pants were unzipped. But as weird as it sounds… It wasn’t enough. I could feel his thighs pressed on mine, his slow jerks making his shoulder brush against mine with every move. His rhythm, his motions getting more irregular as the pleasure struck him, would echo on my body. His mild breaths would turn, every now and then, into a quiet sigh of delight and he would tense up ever so briefly that it was hard to notice for anyone else.

I was considering building up enough courage to stealthily peek at him when I felt a warm and mellow breath caress my neck, ever so gently, as if it was escaping from the restraints it was locked in. It sent shivers through my whole body, and I felt my passion throb in my hand. I had to suppress a joyful whimper as I processed what it meant. He… he’s looking at me?! No way! A boy like him was definitely straight. Cute boys are always straight. There was no reason he’d be looking at me, and if he did… there probably was a logical explanation. Maybe I have something weird on my face?

I turned my head, ever so slowly, to get a glimpse of his. Just, you know, to see where he was looking. I was hoping that he’d have his face slightly turned to me, but it was definitely better! My almond eyes met his, and I felt myself lifted in heaven. He was looking at me the whole time! My cheeks started filling up with this pink shade I was despising so much… but him? His face split into a sly cocky grin that was worth a hundreds winks. His lips moved, but not a single sound escaped. “Hey, cutie.”

Did... did he just call me cutie? Awww! My face was now burning as I felt my cheek turn purple red. I knew that if I kept looking into those ashen jewels my blush would soon be enough to light up the room in a red glimmer, so I gathered all my courage and decided to end it there. Right now. Bravely, caring very little about the other guys’ opinion, I… dropped my eyes down to the floor. Hey, I’m just a teenager, what were you expecting?

My eyes went back to Ben, the safest lurking I had… but my mind was still on my cutie. I couldn’t believe he was staring at me! I still could feel him against me, even more driven than before as if our “moment” gave a new dimension to his desire. I found myself picturing what a kiss from him would feel like. His soft lips, landing on mine as I closed my eyes in a lustful anticipation. In my dreams, they tasted like sweet honey with a hint of vanilla and were as soft as velvet.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Max voice echoed in the walls. The religious atmosphere, my daydreaming, boys’ focus on Lara Croft… everything vanished in a split second. “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!” He repeated in a shout full of anger. No one was paying attention to the screen anymore. The air thickened and every single boy got dressed again in a blink, staring at him in confusion. We all felt that something unpleasant was about to happen.

He stood up and walked toward Nathan, grabbing him by the collar. “I said, WHAT THE FUCK? What were you looking at, fag boy?!”

What the hell is happening? Everything was going great a few seconds ago, and out of the blue this jerk goes berserk?!

I was frozen, sitting still on the bed. I could see his face, twisted in a scary grimace while his eyebrows were threatening to jump off his face as anger raised them as much as it was humanly possible. I didn’t want him to grab my boy like that, but I had not a single clue what all of this was about. And… to be honest… I was scared as hell. I’ve never been a brave, tough, guy. I’ve always pretended to be, like everyone does in school, but truth be told… I’m a lover, not a fighter.

“I wasn’t looking at anything, duh. Relax mate, you really need to chill out.” His voice was calm, his stare was confident, but it sounded wrong. We could feel it. A very subtle shiver run through him and it gave Michael the hint he needed to push forward.

“Don’t lie to me, faggot. I saw you looking at my junk!” Ohh. So this is what all of this is about. What was about to happen confirmed the fears I have had every time I’ve been a bit too nosey during those Friday afternoons.

“If you saw me looking, that means you were looking too. Maybe YOU’RE the faggot here.” He answered boldly.

My mouth dropped in awe. Oh boy! This kid doesn’t know what’s good for him. My friend was a few inches bigger than him, and it was definitely no contest between both. What was holding him back disappeared in thin air with this insolent remark, and Nathan was lifted off the bed and thrown on the floor. I felt my heart break when his head hit the floor in a loud crash, and tears built up in my eyes as I witnessed, helpless, Max walking in a terrifying pace toward my crush.

“Oh, you wanna play it like that bro? Feeling like a smart ass? Come on boys, we’re gonna show him how we welcome perverts here!”

One boy got up, then another, soon followed by half of the room. Everything seemed to move so slowly, as if I was in a bad dream. Except that I never woke up from this one. Nate tried to get up, but as soon as he got on his elbow, the guy from the gym class shoved him back down with his foot.

“Fuck you guys! Man up and face me man to man instead of calling your bitches!”

“Who are you calling bitches, sissy?!” Tommy walked closer, a menacing expression on his face. Before his victim could mutter a single word, he swung his foot forward and kicked him hard in the stomach. A whine of pain escaped his lips as his lungs emptied from the impact.

Oh god please make it stop!! They’re HURTING him!!! Please please make it stop, he doesn’t deserve it! I don’t deserve it! Don’t let them do that, please… do… do something!

He crawled into a ball to protect himself, but it was as vain as my prayers. A boy grabbed his feet while another took a grasp of his wrists. They pulled on both hands to get him lying on his back again, his body now fully exposed. Max stamped his knee on his chest, expelling the little bit of air that was left in him in with a heart-breaking gasp, and clamped his jaw.

“Not so tough now, are you? Want to play smart ass again?”

His face was twisted in pain, but I could tell he was trying his best to keep up appearances, a challenging glare burning in his eyes. “FUCK YOU! ALL OF YOU!” was all he could mutter, and he bit hard in the hand holding him down.

“OWWWWW!” His bully withdrew his hand and smashed it across Nathan’s face in a loud slap. He raised it to his eyes and examined the bite. It made him even more furious, and he hit the boy again. And again. And again.

I was still frozen on the bed, my face buried in my hands in despair. I didn’t want them to see I was crying, I didn’t want to witness what was happening, and I didn’t want to see… his face. Pinned under this son of a witch who was taking a malicious delight from beating up my crush. With every hit, every sound of knuckles smashing against his flesh, my sobbing increased. My hands were wet from the incredible amount of tears leaving my body, but I was still bound up in my fear. Unable to move.

Do you know what is worse than seeing someone you love getting thrashed in front of you? Standing still. Being too much of a chicken to even speak, being too much of a coward to even stand up for him. Doomed to witness helplessly whatever would happen. It made me feel like less than nothing, and I wished the floor would collapse under me and bury me, bury us all, if only it meant that this situation ends.

But it wouldn’t collapse, and I wouldn’t wake up either. I did the only thing I could do at the moment…flee. Run away from this heart-wrenching moment, from them, from me, from my cowardice. I just… ran. And ran. And ran.

The way home was awfully long. With every step taken, a flash of what just happened would hit me, overwhelming me and threatening to make me fall. With every step taken, sadness and guilt would flow in salty streams. Rolling down my cheeks, leaving a bitter trail of self-loathing behind me, as if to make sure misery could track me down wherever I went.

I rushed into the house, slamming the door behind me and sheltered myself in my bedroom. I crashed on my bed, sprawling out in shame, my head buried in the pillow.

I wish I could stop the pain. I wish I could forget. Forget about what happened. Forget about him. Forget about them. Forget about the whole day.