The Long Goodnight - 1. Chapter 1

Joel and Bobby grew up together and they have been extremely close their entire lives. The two guys are now in college and sharing an apartment. When Joel’s cousin and his girlfriend come to stay for the weekend Joel decides to give the couple his room and share with Bobby for the duration of their visit. Bobby is gay, and naturally as his best friend, Joel is aware of this fact. One night however, as the two are going to sleep, Bobby decides to tell Joel the full extent of his feelings...

The Long Goodnight

“Goodnight, Bobby,” Joel said as he affectionately patted his friend’s arm then rolled over in the double bed they were sharing and settled in for sleep.

“Goodnight, Joel,” Bobby responded nervously. He’d already made up his mind about what he was going to do that night. This was the only secret he’d ever kept from Joel and he couldn’t keep it for another day. “Joel...”

“Mmmm…yeah,” Joel answered sleepily.

“Uhh I need to...umm tell you uhh sssomething,” Bobby stuttered out haltingly as his stomach knotted and his right leg began to tremor.

Joel, alarmed at how nervous and upset his best friend suddenly seemed, rolled over so that he was facing Bobby then moved closer and gently put his arms around him.

“What is it, Bobby? Is something wrong?” Joel asked as he began to rub Bobby’s back in an effort to soothe him.

Bobby swallowed hard then raised his head so that he could make eye contact with Joel.

“I love you,” he said softly but with conviction, never breaking eye contact.

“I love you too, Bobby,” Joel said as he smiled and pulled his friend into a closer embrace, assuming that whatever news Bobby was about to share he’d deemed necessary to preface with a declaration of his affection.

“So what is it?” Joel whispered into his friend’s ear.

“No, uh, I mean…I mean I love you,” Bobby said as he pulled back and intently stared into his friend’s face. As Joel moved his mouth in thought, and seemed to contemplatively scrunch up his lips, Bobby found himself unable to take his eyes off those soft, round, puckered pieces of perfection.

With his head swimming and his stomach doing somersaults, Bobby leaned in to kiss Joel. At the last moment though he stopped; the last thing he wanted to do was take advantage of the situation or make his friend uncomfortable.

“Sorry,” Bobby said embarrassedly, “I just really wanted to...I mean uh I just thought it would be okay if...I guess I...”

“Wanted to kiss me,” Joel said gently with a smile. Then his eyes took on a far-away quality and he seemed lost in thought for a moment.

“Go ahead,” Joel said when he snapped out of his reverie and returned his attention to Bobby.

“Really?” Bobby asked with surprise.

“Yes,” Joel responded with certainty.

Bobby tentatively put his right hand on Joel’s left cheek then placed his other hand gently on Joel’s neck as he rolled toward him and slowly initiated first contact with his childhood friend’s lips.

It was one of the most emotionally powerful experiences of Bobby’s life. He’d had a few boyfriends in the past, but never had a kiss meant this much to him. He’d begun with hesitancy, careful to give Joel the opportunity to back out if he wanted it. As the kiss heated up, however, Bobby’s passion consumed him and he rolled fully on top of Joel, supporting himself with a knee on either side of his dear friend.

For his part, Joel remained receptive, even opening his mouth and allowing Bobby’s probing tongue to enter. Joel’s movements however, though tender and compliant, were mechanical at best.

When as last Bobby pulled back he sighed and rolled back onto his side of the bed. Then he snuggled close to Joel who put an arm around him and rubbed and patted his stomach affectionately.

As they lay there in silence both became lost in thought, Joel desperately trying to work out his feelings and Bobby trying to reevaluate the kiss they’d just shared in a more impartial, less emotional way.

The more he thought about Joel’s reactions and body language the more the heart-wrenching sadness of the situation became undeniable: Joel wasn’t in love with him. When at last, he could take the pain and doubt no longer he spoke.

“That meant a lot more to me didn’t it?” Bobby asked as he took note of how bitter, almost angry his voice sounded. When Joel didn’t answer, he pulled away and sat up. As he turned to face Joel, he suddenly felt hands on each of his biceps and before he knew what had hit him he was pinned to the bed.

The second kiss was more frenetic than the first. Joel’s lips and tongue attacked Bobby’s mouth like raiders looking for treasure; his hands feverishly swept over Bobby’s body. There was a desperation to the kiss, a desperation that even the kiss itself couldn’t conceal. Joel was looking for something, something he’d never be able to find in Bobby’s arms.

It ended slowly, weakly even, as both friends read the signs. When at last their lips parted, Joel pulled back enough to look into Bobby’s eyes. The tears had already formed, pooling all around his eyes and teetering on the edge, threatening to fall. They looked sadly into each other’s eyes for several seconds before the first drop spilled. As it slowly ran down the side of Bobby’s face Joel raised his hand and gently wiped it away with his thumb.

“I’m sorry,” Joel said as his voice cracked and he suddenly became aware of the tears that had been in his own eyes.

Bobby smiled sadly, rolled closer to Joel, and buried his face in the pillow. As he wept, Joel wrapped his arms around him and stroked the back of his head.

“I wish I could...I wish...I wish I were gay. I…I wish I could love you the same way you love me,” Joel whispered in a broken voice as he held Bobby close. Bobby only continued to cry as he clung to his friend.

“It’s going to be okay though, Bobby; I promise. You’re going to meet someone else, someone great, someone who deserves you, someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who...”

“NO!” Bobby shouted as he broke the embrace. Then he took a deep breath and continued, “It’ll never be the same, Joel. Never. Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter how great this other guy is. It doesn’t matter how much he loves me, or even how much I love him. He’ll never be the boy I grew up with. The boy I’ve always trusted with all my secrets. He’ll never be the guy who stayed with me in the hotel room in Disney World when I was twelve and throwing up. He’ll never be the guy who tutored me in Chemistry. He’ll never be the first guy I got drunk with. Or the first guy I came out to. He’ll never be the first guy…” By now, Bobby couldn’t see from all the tears that were blurring his vision and yet he continued, “the first guy I fell in love with. He’ll never be…you.”

When he’d finished speaking Bobby collapsed into Joel’s arms and sobbed loudly. Joel was overcome by emotions, guilt, sadness, regret, frustration, anger, even longing. Actually, it was a yearning; he desperately wanted to be the man Bobby wanted him to be. He couldn’t let him down, and he wanted so badly to have something as meaningful as Bobby had just described.

“OK,” Joel said at last.

“OK?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah, I was wrong. I am in love with you.”

“But...”

“No, I mean it. I really am. Will you be my boyfriend, Bobby?” Joel asked as he smiled and looked intently into Bobby’s eyes.

Bobby regarded Joel carefully. He looked for any sign of doubt or hesitancy; he found none. Then he thought. He thought about everything. He thought about Joel and their childhood. He thought about their teenage years together. He thought about their time in college together. Then he began to imagine their life together. He pictured their wedding. He imagined the children they would adopt. He thought about the house they would buy together and the nights they would share contentedly in each other’s company. Finally, he imagined them as old men, retired and spending their finals days together. It could be everything he had ever imagined, everything he had ever wanted.

“No,” he said simply.

“But I don’t...” Joel started

“I know you. I know you well, Joel Preston Fitzgerald. You’d do it. You’d stay with me. You’d even have sex with me. You’d give up everything else and be my soul mate. You could do that.”

“I want to do that,” Joel said decisively, “I really want to do that.”

“I want you to too, Joel. Believe me I want you to,” Bobby said with a melancholy smile. “There’s just one problem: you are my soul mate...but I’m not yours,” Bobby finished quietly.

“I think you are. I love you more than…more than anyone. I can’t imagine not having you in my life,” Joel said as he tried unsuccessfully to hold back his tears. “So why shouldn’t I spend the rest of my life with you?”

“Because you’re not gay, Joel,” Bobby said sadly.

“Maybe I am. I mean I could be.”

“But you’re not.”

“Yeah but...EUGHH, it doesn’t matter. Bobby, do you know how many people there have been, how many people there still are, that are dating, living with, and marrying someone of the ‘wrong’ gender? It’s not that big a deal. I mean you love me right? And I love you. And I know you’d never hurt me, or cheat on me, or break my heart. What’s so wrong with living my life with someone I can trust absolutely?”

“Oh Joel,” Bobby sighed as he settled into Joel’s arms and pressed his nose into Joel’s. “You’re so amazing. Is it any wonder I fell in love with you? But I do love you. I love you too much to let you do this.”

“But...”

“Goodnight, Joel,” Bobby said softly as he closed his eyes and settled into his tear-soaked pillow.