Running from Life - 6. Chapter 6: Happy and scared

I change clothes fast too, but I bet it wasn’t such a sexy show as he managed to pull off. I was very clunky, I was cold, and wanted it to be over as fast as possible. And, I knew he wouldn’t be interested in seeing it anyway, so why even bother. No slow and smooth drying of my legs, just my shorts over the wetness. Needless to say some wet spots are clearly visible on them now.

“Are we going for the walk now?”

“Yes, I know a very nice place. You’ll like it.”

“Let’s go then,” I follow his lead. We walk for about twenty minutes to a formation of big rocks in the sea. Joshua starts climbing them. “Are you sure about this?” I ask worriedly.

“I’ve been climbing them since I was four,” he is already a meter above me. “Just do exactly what I do, you’re gonna love it.”

I do as he says climbing on the rock and jumping behind him from rock to rock, until we’re twenty meters into the sea. The last rock is the biggest of them all, so we climb up there. I walk to the edge to look to the sea slapping on the rock some five meters below me. I carefully open my arms. “This is amazing!” I shout at the sea. The wind blows towards me and I consider leaning into the wind for a second, but then realise the sea is far below and I decide against it. Suddenly I feel a push and my heart jumps, but Joshua has an arm around me, making sure I can’t fall. He laughs.

“Man, this is the second time today!” I call out, but I can’t really be angry at him. He still has his arm around my middle, almost as if he’s hugging me from behind. It sends a chill through my whole body, but that could be because I realise I could be falling down this enormous rock. Joshua keeps the arm around me a little too long, suddenly he realises, and awkwardly retracts it.

“I’m sorry he says.” I’m unsure whether he meant the hug thing or the push.

“No probs man,” which seems like a normal response if he's apologising for the hug, not the pushing part. He’d get my permission to push me again, if that means another hug. Suddenly, while watching the endless ocean, I realise I never felt as loved as that hug - which wasn’t even meant as a hug - made me feel. I kissed Sam, I kissed Codey and I kissed Seth. I even went further with Sam and with Codey, to the point of being naked. And still, I never felt love like this, with someone who will never be more than an acquaintance I only knew for a day. Am I really this sad? I think I am. I must be the most pathitic person alive.

You know, and this may sound harsh, you may think it’s exaggerated, but if I wasn’t terrified of death like I am now, I think I wouldn’t still be here. Maybe that’s why I decided to travel around, to find a purpose in life.

“What’s wrong, Adam?” Joshua saw I’m crying, even before I realised.

“Oh, nothing. I thought of something sad, that’s all. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, silly,” he rubs my back a little. “There is nothing wrong with crying. Life can be sad sometimes.”

“Yes, I know. I didn’t mean to, my mind just wandered off. Thank you.”

He raises a brow. “What for?”

“For being here with me.”

He smiles. “Dude, you’re cool. Of course I want to be here with you. I just hate that you have to leave soon.”

“Are you asking about the extra night again?”

He laughs. “No no, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’ll stay. If your mom would have me.”

His face lights up. “Of course! She’d love that!”

We jump back over the rocks, onto the beach, and find our way back to his house. It’s only 10 p.m. so we decide to grab a beer. Becky had already gone to bed. Tomorrow is Sunday, but maybe she was very tired.

“Wanna play some more Big Planet, Little…” I pipe up.

He laughs. “Little Big Planet. And yes, sounds like a great idea.” We head to his room and play the game for another hour. At a certain point I fall asleep, so Joshua continues the game without me. When he’s done, he gets out of the bed to change into clean boxers, not realising I was awake again. I peek through my eyelids to watch everything closely. When he’s done - boy, he’s handsome, gorgeous really; his body, the tan lines, everything... - he switches off the lights. Right then I decide to show I’m awake, so I yawn and blink a few times.

“What time is it?”

“Time to sleep.” He smiles mischievously and I wonder if he knew I was awake all along.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep, bro.”

Joshua gets into bed. “No problem.” I decide I need to change in something suitable for sleeping too, and now the lights are off I can change without needing to worry. I get out of bed and quickly put on a clean shirt and underwear. When I get back in bed the urge to snuggle up to him is extremely high, but I resist. I lay my hands next to me, above the sheets because that’s what mom taught me. “So, tell me something about yourself,” Joshua asks.

“Huh?”

“You know where I live, what my room looks like and what my mom is like, but I only know you like travelling. That’s all.”

“Well… I live with my mom and my brother. He’s autistic, which sometimes was hard for us to deal with. My dad left us when I was very young. Very recently I found him, he has a new family now. I hate going to school, so I often do not go there. I like to write, some stories and poems mostly.”

“Ah nice. Can I read something?”

I think about that for a second. “I could maybe show you a bit tomorrow. Not sure if I got it on my phone.”

“Great! So, do you have many friends?”

I nod, even though the lights are out. “I got some, but nothing too spectacular. I’m not someone who likes bonding with many people, so I generally only have a few good friends.”

“Really? You seem so open, I thought you’d be friends with everyone around you.”

I laugh. “You couldn’t be more wrong.”

He scoots over to me, basically close enough to fit on a queen size instead of king and we’d almost fit on a single bed. “And what is your favourite food?”

“Hey, I don’t know that much about you, this isn’t fair.”

“You’re right. Your turn to ask.”

‘Are you gay by any chance?’ Of course I don’t ask that out loud. “What’s your favourite food?”.

“The originality... “ Ugh, even that’s cute. I’m in bed with this wonderful boy and I have to resist it. I want to cuddle with him! “I guess that’s lasagna.”

“Hmm, good choice.”

We are silent for a minute or two. “You’re not very good at asking questions, are you? Just ask what’s really on your mind?”

That startles me, I guess I was dozing off again. “Was it still my turn?”

“Yes!”

‘Can you at least act as if you’re my boyfriend for the next day? I want to know how that feels.’ “Well then, how about your friends?”

“Don’t have any. Well, some not quite friends, you know, acquaintances, I used to have a very good friend, but things happened and now we’re closer to being enemies.”

“What happened?”

“Uhh.. I’m not sure if I want to tell you. He didn’t like something about me and decided that was a reason to start hating me.”

“No problem, some things are too personal, even too personal to tell a complete stranger from another country in your bed.” I try to laugh a little so he understands I’m kidding. “Sounds like crap though.”

“Yeah, it still makes me sad when I think about it.”

“Oh no, don’t be sad!” I say and for a split second I want to tickle him to get him to laugh again. It would be weird though, so I quickly decide against it.

“I won’t be. You’ll only be here for two more nights, no use in wasting that time being sad.”

“I guess you’re right.” We talk for another hour or so but finally we decide we have to sleep. It’ll be Sunday tomorrow and apparently Becky wants to have breakfast with all of us together, so we shouldn’t wake up too late. We fall asleep, both very close to each other and yet so far away. I dream about the story Kevin told me. I dream about his grandmother, about death and the emptiness I always consider when thinking about it.

Only three hours later I jump up from my sleep, but the thoughts my mind created when I was dreaming don’t fade away, they only get worse. It’s something I used to have a lot, but lately it finally got a little less. When I was younger I would think about death every night, my heart rate would go up, I’d start sweating and hyperventilating. This time, I know that’s what’s happening, so I sit up straight and focus on breathing normally.

Life will end someday, you know? There is nothing I can do about it. I take in my surroundings and try to calm down. I’m close to starting crying, but I try my best not to. I glance at the cute boy next to me. He’s curled up, with his back towards me and his mouth slightly open. His slow breathing calms me further. One day I’ll die and none of my memories will be left, so why do I even care about what happens in my life. With that thought in the back of my mind I lay down again, but this time I snuggle up close to Joshua and put my arm around him. His warmth calms me even further and I decide to use my sleep as an excuse. I will just tell him I put my arm around him in my sleep. I snuggle up close to him without him even being aware of it. Right now, I just want to enjoy finally feeling so close to someone, even though I know it's actually cheating. Everything will cease to exist someday, so I'll take the risk of losing a new friend if I can be close to him for a few minutes.

I don’t wake up again until the morning, when I absently register movements. I open my eyes slightly, just in time to feel my arm being pushed away and to see Joshua getting out of bed and walking out of the room. I now know he must have realised I was so close to him and I wonder if he’s going to say something about it today. I have to admit, I start to worry about it. I may have destroyed the fragile beginning friendship we were starting with. Five minutes later he comes back, so I guess he only went to the toilet. I still act as if I’m sleeping, to keep up the excuse I thought of last night. It was all an accident.

Joshua crawls back into the bed and for a few seconds nothing happens. I have my eyes closed, so I can’t see what he’s doing, but I just figure he’s keeping a distance now, making sure I can’t make the same 'unconscious' mistake again. But then he moves and moves close up to me again, just like I did last time. His back is against me, which of course means he touched my boyhood, which got rock hard in the meantime, but it’s morning so that’s not out of the ordinary. This is my call, I know! He must know there’s a chance I’m awake or at least a chance of me waking up the moment he went back to bed, yet he moved this close to me. It must be a sign. So I slowly life my arm up and put it around his middle again.

He moves his arm too and aligns it right over mine, practically making our position a spoonlike way of hugging.

I know he is awake and he knows I am. He knows I know that and vice versa. This was a conscious choice of the both of us and I’m pretty sure my hardon isn’t just a morning wood.

With my heart beating in my head, I very carefully start rubbing him, making small circular movements on his shirt. He responds by doing the same movement on top of my hands. I’ve never been this happy and scared at the same time.