Running from Life - 8. Chapter 8: What if I could stay?

Oh my god! I'm kissing him right now. God! Who could have seen this coming? Joshua put his arms around me, our stomachs and feet are touching, and of course the part in between… uhm… as well. But, to be honest, I don't even want to think about doing anything more with him, you know? It feels like that would destroy the magic of this moment.

We break the kiss for a few seconds. I realise I have to catch my breath a little. "This is a much better place to do this than kissing in the alley," Joshua smiles.

"Yes, about that, I'm sorry." My gaze falls down to the floor.

He gently lifts my head up with his hand. "Don't be." A small peck on my lips. "As I said, this is better." Another peck. "Oh my, I will never be able to stop doing this." And again, another peck. This one transforms into another passionately long kiss. The soup starts to bubble and smells burnt. "Shit!" He turns around and starts stirring again, releasing a lot of sizzling smoke. "You told me this was the right way to stir?"

I put my arms around his middle to hug him, but a little too low, accidentally touching a very exciting, and hard, boy. I quickly remove them and hug him a little higher, but touching him there felt awkward. Like, I just feel less in love because of it? I know, I know, I'm weird. I can't be disgusted by the fact he has a dick, right? That doesn't really go well with being gay…

"I guess, this soup is ready. Can you grab some mugs from that drawer?"

"Aye aye." We divide the soup and head to Joshua's room. "What game do you want to play?"

I shrug. " Not sure? Something with a story in it?"

"Those are always single player," he says initially thinking that's a bad thing, but then he starts smiling mischievously. "I got a nice one. The vanishing of Ethan Carter. It's a little bit a puzzle game, is that okay?"

"Of course."

He starts the game, bending forward to insert the disk. I suspect he's showing me his butt on purpose. And, you know, for the first time I can look at it without fearing he'd catch me. He jumps back on the bed and scoops over really close to me. We silently eat the soup while watching the introduction scene playing on the TV. When I'm done eating the soup, I move a little back on the bed so I can lean against the wall. "We can just take turns, right?"

"Sounds good," Joshua spoons out the last drops of soup and puts away the mug. He grabs the controller and moves in between my legs, with his back leaning into my stomach and his hair brushing my nose. I can secretly sniff it. He even smells amazing! I put my arms around him and kiss his neck. While watching the game being played, I absently play around with my hands on his stomach, tracing circles and so on. Once in a while I kiss his neck. It just feels so great, being here with him. It feels natural! My heart must have melted by now.

"Do you want to play a bit now?"

"Sure."

Without even having to communicate, we know that means a swap of position too. I grab the controller and sit exactly like Joshua did. I kiss him in the middle of the moving around, which of course ends up in a minute long kiss. When we finally settle again, I can feel his hardon pressing in my back. This time it doesn't disturb me much, I think I'm too turned on. Joshua occasionally kisses my neck as he tickles my stomach. I have a hard time staying focused on the game, with Joshua caressing me like that. He is tracing his hands up to my nipples then he starts nibbling on my ear a little, which is so hot! Then he moves his hand back down. Far down. He touches me through the fabric of my pants. It completely takes me off guard, so I jump a little.

"Ow, I'm sorry."

I swallow. "Uh, don't be, I guess?"

He smiles. "You didn't mind it, then?"

I press the start button on the controller and turn around, facing him. "Maybe… a little?" I say carefully. "I don't know?"

He leans in and kisses me. "Why don't you know?" he asks in between kisses.

"I sincerely don't know."

He doesn't say a thing, but kisses me even harder. I let out a moan, which he takes as a cue to go further. He gently holds my hand in his and guides it to his crotch. He starts rubbing my hand on it. When he lets go, I keep going. We kiss passionately, breaking several times. He doesn't even pull his tongue back completely when we stop, I don't think he even realised it. He closes his eyes and pulls me closer to him. Too close to continue the rubbing, my own dick covering that area. We try to kiss, but we don't really touch lips that often, as he is rubbing my crotch against himself vigorously.

Only then I realise what is going on and get off him. He opens his eyes. "What's wrong."

"I don't know. I really don't. It feels wrong, you know?"

"Does it? Why does it?"

I shrug. "I sincerely don't know. I feel like it nullifies what I feel for you. Like it's too plastic to do it while I love you this much…" I turn red. "I don't mean it like that. I mean, 'when I care for you this much'".

He smiles. "It's cute that you say it like that. Come here." He cups my head and kisses me very gently. I inhale his amazing scent, but I make sure my hard dick doesn't touch him anywhere, even through my pants. Why do I have to make everything complicated. I turn my head away.

"Please don't shut me out," Joshua says after I lay my head on his chest.

"Huh, what do you mean?"

He is softly massaging my shoulders. Again, this feels so good. It feels like I've been in a relationship with him for years. "I think you're someone who overthinks everything. You should just tell me what's on your mind."

"I'll try. I'm just not really good at that." Woah, I never admitted that to anyone.

"Then I will do it instead. Adam, I really like you. We've had a great time together, and hell, you're cute as fuck. I…" He hesitates. "I really would like to go a bit further with you."

"You mean… uhh, like…"

"My mom isn't home, that's what I mean. I'd love it if we could get rid of these pants." He smiles awkwardly.

"Uh… well… I," I stammer.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter really." He pulls me up to face him again and then kisses me softly.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm making everything so weird."

"It's not a problem. Really." He thinks about it for a second. "But… is there something wrong? Like," he nods towards my hard-on, "down there."

I turn red. "Kinda. But that's not why I'm hesitant about it, I think. It's just… you know. Like I said. I feel like it would make this all less real. I like being with you, but if we have sex, it would start to feel like it was all for that. Just having sex. Does that make any sense?"

Joshua is quiet for a few seconds. "Actually, it does. I think that's the reason I want to do it, actually. But we're moving into a really personal conversation now, I guess." He laughs awkwardly.

"And yet it feels like a completely natural thing to talk about. That's how I feel with you."

"Thanks." He kisses me.

When I break the kiss and ask: "What did you mean when you said you wanted to do more with me because it nullifies what we're feeling right now?"

He smiles again, but this time it's a sad smile. "I like this too much. It feels like I shouldn't like it. I mean, look at us, we look like a couple. We're on my bed together, embracing each other, kissing, caressing. But we're not really having sex or something. I think that's what we're supposed to do, you know?"

"No?"

"Well, let me put it this way. At this moment I have an urge to tell you I love you, but I’ve only known you a day. If you lived close, then I wouldn't mind this, without sex or anything, just being close. Because then I know it would be more permanent. But you're going to leave soon. And then all we did was being close together, as if we are a couple, as if we're in love. That would break me."

I frown. "You want to have sex because I will leave and that way it would hurt less when I'm gone?"

"In some way, yes." He quickly kisses me again. "Then I can tell myself it was all for the sex, like with many teenagers. If I can persuade myself it was nothing more, I won't feel hurt, so bad."

"Ah, I get it." I contemplate things for a second. "It makes sense, I guess."

"I want to be here with you forever. I don't want you to leave." He sounds sad again.

I turn around to look at him and I look right into teary eyes. "I know. I don't want to leave either." I don't even have to leave. I can stay here. "You can come with me?"

He tries to smile. "That's not possible. Have to finish school as well." We're silent for what feels like an hour. All this time, I'm looking directly at him. Very slowly, during this time, his tears completely form and gradually slide down his cheek. "I just want to feel loved, you know?" he adds with a lump in his throat.

I swallow. "You're not the only one. I could love you, I know that much." I lean in for a small peck on his lips, but he opens them, so we went full French. At some point he starts moaning, which would've discouraged me earlier today, but after this talk, it turns me on. I crawl on top of him, crotches touching like earlier. This time it is me who starts moving, grinding into him. He moans and I do the same. I break the kiss quickly when I glide his shirt up over his head. I move down and kiss his nipples. Should I continue? I ask myself, but before I even finish that thought, I already have my hands on his fly and open it.

Joshua puts his hands on mine. "You shouldn't do this just because I asked you."

"I got a will of my own, you know," I reply and move up to kiss him for a few seconds, only to go back down. I slide his pants off, revealing his hardon in his boxers. My head is only a few centimeters away from it and I notice the smell of horny teenage boy. I grab his dick through the fabric, resulting in a very sexy moan. I feel it, the largeness of it, the humidity and hotness of his probably way too long entrapped boner. Then I lean in and take it in my mouth, through the fabric. I never even saw his dick properly, but it just felt like something I wanted to do. I put my hands inside his boxers through one of the legs, but I don't pull them off yet. Cupping his soft sack and balls, I move my fingers around the base., but don't touch his dick yet. When I finally do, I notice a wet drop on it. I bring my fingers back to my mouth and taste it.

"Holy shit, you're sexy," Joshua moans. "You must have seen a lot of porn!"

Twice.

I pull his boxers off his legs completely and take off his socks at the same time. I always thought only wearing socks was extremely sexy, but I liked the feeling of pulling off all of his clothes. I grab his dick and start moving slowly. I bring my face up to his again. He is biting his lips and looks at me with a very tender gaze. I kiss him passionately, slowly jerking him off. I make sure my face is close to his all the time, my lips only few millimeters from his. I feel his warm breath on my nose with every moan., I can smell the soup. I kiss him and start moving faster.

"Does this… make it easier… when I leave?" I wonder why I'm out of breath. It surely isn't physically demanding, what I'm doing, right?

He moans. "Hng, umph. No. Continue, please." He licks my lips and pulls me closer to him, causing me to almost fall over. I have to stop taking care of his boyhood to keep my balance. Joshua laughs, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry."

"You're digging your own grave." I smile at him. Gosh, he's so beautiful. I wish I could stay here forever. I lean in and kiss him again. I guess we have spent more time with our lips pressed on each others than not. I bring the hand I was jerking him off with up to his mouth and he understands what I want him to do. He licks it, sucking on my finger and pouting when I pull back. With my wet hand I grab hold of his boner again.

"Oh god… This is so amazing."

This time, whilst jerking him off, you could hear the soft slabbering sound. I keep watching his face, I don’t bother to look at his cock. I prefer to see the tension on his lips and the determined look in his eyes as if he is running a marathon. I kiss him. It's just so adorable to look at the firm face full of energy and dedication. I just feel, deep down, that he's getting close. It's almost as if we share this invisible bond, making me feel the same as he does. Now I think of it, I think I'm getting close too. I speed up.

"Hnng," Joshua pants. "Fuck… I… love you… oh god."

I speed up even more, up to the point where my wrist is getting a little sore. Then his face tenses up even more, he starts biting hard on his lower lip. He tries to lift his head a little to kiss me, but he fails, so I lower mine. With the same result. I try to french kiss him, but his mouth is lifeless and his tongue doesn't move. And then he cums. Several big shots right onto his bare chest, through my hand, leaving some behind. My mouth is just next to his, we're breathing through each other's lips. I collapse. I still have my shirt on, but I just drop down onto his soaked body, both with sweat and… you know… We're panting and gasping and I even manage to giggle a little at some point.

Joshua puts an arm around me, apparently crushed by my weight or maybe too numb to feel it yet. "You, you must be god." He sighs.

My mind wanders back to what I now consider my old life. I recall my religious education class, with Mr Hampleton. I wonder what he would think if he knew that the anonymous blogger was now laying with a naked, gorgeous boy, after just having jerked him off, and got called "god". How angry would he be? I imagine his red face and I chuckle.