Running from Life - 7. Chapter 7: A Kiss

“Joshua? Adam? Are you guys awake?”

It startles me. I must have dozed off again, enjoying the closeness. Joshua moves slowly. “Yes mom, we’re awake.”

“I’m almost done making breakfast. The French couple helped me. Will you guys join us?”

“Yes of course, mom,” he moves around to look at me. I think about turning away fast, I don’t want to face him now. This is so awkward! Why did I even start it. Joshua watches me, smiles quickly and turns away again, ready to get out of bed. He stops, realising something, and grabs his jeans off the floor next to the bed. Without drawing back the sheets he puts on his pants and then he gets out. “See you in the kitchen.”

“You will,” I say, not really sure what happened last night or what will happen now. I am happy he left first though, because my pants are on the other side of the room and… you know… I don’t really want to walk there in just my underwear with Joshua watching. If you get what I mean? It’s still morning and, well, I was hugging one of the most amazing people in the world only five minutes ago. I put on my pants, fix my hair real quick, and rub my eyes.

“Good morning!” I smile as I enter the kitchen.

“Bonjour,” the French couple looks up.

“Breakfast is almost ready,” Becky adds. “Do you want coffee or tea?”

“Oh, I really need some coffee now.”

Becky returns my smile. “Didn’t sleep well?”

I groan. “I’m not much of a sleeper anyway.”

“Well, the other couchsurfers are leaving today, so you can have the couch if you still want it.”

Did Joshua tell her? Ugh, don’t make this any more awkward. Wait… Joshua responded to my actions… He did the same. I look at him, as if I might suddenly be able to determine if he’s gay.

Is he though?

That would be awesome and extremely complicated at the same time. But, you know? I’m used to things being complicated. Puh, I guess I’m the one who makes everything complicated!

“Mom, I convinced Adam to stay another night, so we can see the city today and the beach tomorrow.”

She laughs. “I knew you would do that! Well done.” She laughs even more and then directs her attention towards me. "Are you sure about it?”

I smile. “Joshua can be a convincing guy.”

“As if I didn’t know that yet!”

The five of us have a very interesting breakfast, with German sausages and some kind of marmalade. Pretty soon after breakfast the French couple leave. First of course they kiss us all goodbye. One kiss on each cheek, by the way. I was already halfway to the third one when I realised they only do two. I was used to three! I guess Dutchies are weird…

After the French people have gone we clean up the table. “They must have been the worst couchsurfers I’ve ever had,” Becky suddenly complains.

“Were they?”

“Yes. They didn’t really help at all. Only stayed for the night and for food. I guess you can never be sure about who’ll stay with you. Well, next time I hope it’s better.”

“Isn’t it always like that? I thought that was just usual.”

“No, not at all. We always had very interesting people here. People who told stories, cooked for us. They integrate into the family, you know? A bit like you do.” She smiles and looks at Joshua. He starts smiling too. Something is going on between those two.

I wonder if what we did this morning is part of integrating into the family.

“So, Joshua. Are you going to show Adam around today or do you want me to do it?”

Joshua’s smile broadens. “No, I can do it. I joined you many times, enough to replicate the tour, I guess.”

“Great. Then I can work a little more today.”

“Mom, it’s Sunday. Take a day off.”

She sighs. “I promise it won’t take too long. You guys have fun!” She walks towards a room I assume is the study.

Joshua turns towards me. “So, wanna game a little more or head out to the city immediately?”

I think about that for a second. “Let’s go see the city before it gets too hot outside.”

He laughs. “We don’t like hot, do we?”

I blush but don’t say anything. That, apparently, is his cue to quickly tap my nose and walk to his room. He closes the door, leaving me in the kitchen, pretty unsure about what happened and what will happen now. I just sit down and wait five minutes until the dude leaves the room again, now changed into clean clothes. Sexy clothes, holy shit. He put on some wide shorts with countless pockets, a tight purple shirt and some flip flops. On his head he has a pair of sunglasses. I always thought it was a bit poshe to wear them like that, but honestly, it suits him.

“So, are you ready?"

I nod. "Hell yes, I am. Show me this beautiful city of yours."

"It's not that great actually. There are a few nice buildings in the city center, but most of it is post world war, of course. And the best landmark is a well on a long street, with the original name "the well on the long road". But, there are some interesting places, especially those with a more personal history behind it." He starts moving to the front door. "My family has lived here for many generations, you know?"

"Even during the Soviet period?"

"Yes, even then."

Walking through the city, every once in a while Joshua stops to tell me something. Most is, indeed, personal history. He points out an old building in which his grandfather's book store used to be, the place where his mom met his dad and the house where his ex-best friend lives. Then, at some point while walking through the center of this small city, he drags me into a little alley.

"This is what we, in Wolgast, call the kiss lane. It is where supposedly every couple has their first kiss." He smiles.

Sometimes I have this feeling that I know what someone else wants me to do, you know? You just notice some subtle hints, resulting in you realising what the next step is going to be? Well, looking in Joshua's eyes right now, I know - deep down - that he wants me to kiss him. But I can't. I just freeze completely and look at the tiles beneath me.

At that point in my life, exactly there, I realise how much of a fuck up I am. I'm scared to kiss him, because I like him. I really like him! I never had a problem kissing Codey or Sam. I always told myself I kissed because I liked them and that I simply didn't want to get into a relationship, but that I liked them nonetheless. Now, in this alley, in front of Joshua I realise that all that was a lie. I never liked them. I must just have been curious. With Codey, I guess I only kissed him to get closer to my dad.

No, it can't be. I really liked him, didn't I? I like Sam as well, right? Maybe on another level than I do now with Joshua (even though I only met him yesterday), but I did like them. I simply cannot believe that I would use someone like that, even though when thinking about it objectively it does look like I did.

Argh, sometimes I should stop trying to understand myself, it's a waste of time. Focus on the here and now. Joshua is here. He wants me to kiss him.

I look up at him again. "So, did you ever have to use the alley?" I start walking back to the street. I'm such an idiot!

"No, sadly I haven't." He looks sad and I start to feel ashamed. We walk through the city towards the sea. We keep talking a little bit, but I don't register most of it. I feel embarrassed by my recent revelation about how I treated Codey and Sam, not even considering Seth yet. I feel stupid ignoring the obvious hint to kiss this beautiful guy next to me. Moreover, I feel remorseful for making him sad. I ran from life because I was getting fed up with these depressing feelings, but here I am, generating more of them every minute.

We arrive at the beach and walk along the rough stones that stretch into the sea. "I'm sorry," Joshua suddenly bursts out. "That alley, I mean. That was awkward."

I should tell him it was all my fault. Just a few words and everything would be okay! But… do I really want to? Like, I'm getting sick of this urge to kiss him, but it would all be so real. I know I can just pack my stuff tomorrow, yet I feel like this, the relation with Joshua, has to be more permanent. I'm just so confused.

A phone starts ringing. Joshua's, apparently. He answers it. "Yes… okay… what are you going to do there?... ahh, that sounds interesting… yes, of course… you know me, mom… uhu… yes, mam, of course… maaam… now shut it, go have fun… see you, love you… yes, I know."

He sighs, but he's smiling at the same time. "That was my mom."

"I heard."

"She's leaving for work. Will be home tomorrow in the afternoon. She was really sorry, normally she manages to stay home when someone is surfing."

I shrug. "Well, I don't really mind."

"That's what I told her." He smiles and I’ve already forgotten about the alley incident. I just feel warm inside knowing we can spend more time together. "So what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know? We planned on going to the beach tomorrow, right? It's only one o'clock now, so we have plenty of time left today."

"How about making some lunch, gaming just a little more and going for a hike in the Großer Wotig?"

"What's that?"

"Well, I don't know how to explain it. It's like a swamp, but with hiking trails and so on. Really relaxing!"

We buy some food and walk back to the house. Joshua grabs some cooking equipment, he apparently already knew exactly what he wanted to make. He gives me orders as to what to cut and how to cut it. He was actually very cute while cooking, with his tongue barely visible as he measures the right amount of water. Cut the onions. Cut the cucumber like this, cut this like that. At some point I was cutting the leeks, but apparently I was doing it all wrong.

"What are you doing?"

"Cutting the leeks?"

Joshua smiles, again in the cutest way. "You shouldn't do it like that. Here, let me show you." He stands behind me, like he did on the rock yesterday. He holds my hand with the knife in it and guides it to show me how to cut. Apparently he wanted me to make four long incisions along the length of it, before cutting it in pieces. I admit, I wasn't paying attention. He was pretty much hugging me from behind again. "Ah, that is smart. Now the pieces are much smaller!"

"Exactly."

"I should let you help me chopping the vegetables more often."

"I bet you'd love that!" He laughs and continues making the soup.

I'll kiss him. I just have to. What is keeping me from walking over and pressing my lips onto his? I'm not scared he would hate me for doing it, or anything. He gave me enough hints to know he wants it too. Heart racing again, I walk over to him. He's stirring the soup.

"You're stirring all wrong," I tell him jokingly.

He looks up. His expression confused. Then he realises what I’m doing. "Am I? Then how should I stir?"

I move up until I'm right behind him, my stomach almost touching his back. I take hold of his hand with the spoon in it and start stirring. To make it seem credible I gently move his hand to stir in the opposite direction.

"Ah, like that." Giggles escape his mouth right in the middle of the sentence.

I put my other arm around his middle and rest my head against his back for a few seconds, trying to make out the beating of his heart while continuously stirring the soup. Then the beautiful boy starts moving around in my arms. I let go of the spoon and put my arms around him completely., He turns around to face me. Our faces inches apart. Point of no return. I know. I close the gap.