Reflecting Equation - 7. Interlude: Set Fire to the Third Bar

Killian stared at the front page of the student paper and had to give himself props. On the front page was a large color 8x8 of the school’s cheerleaders in a perfect pyramid. A smirk crossed his face at the accompanying article.

He skipped study hall and decided to take an early lunch just to bask in his own awesomeness. There were picnic tables scattered behind the library usually abandoned during lunch so he made ample use of the secluded spot.

So it’s a surprise when he found the newspaper snatched out of his hands and furious gray eyes burning holes into his face. Ryan stood in front of him with the paper clenched in one hand and the other balled into a tight fist. Killian leaned back, sliding on an easy smile as he stared at Ryan in an indifferent manner. Only his heart was beating like crazy and there was an ache digging against his ribs.

“I guess I was done reading that, then,” Killian said in an even tone. “Sup, Ry.”

Ryan’s eyes narrowed and he looked impossibly angrier. “What do you think you’re playing at?”

Killian gave him his best who me look, but the boy wasn’t buying it. After a minute of a silent death stare, Killian rolled his eyes and conceded. “I guess you read the paper?”

“I know it was you who put Sam Dawkins up to printing out this trashy article,” Ryan said, shaking the paper in his face.

Triumph roared in his chest. Killian settled for a lopsided shrug. “The article doesn’t specifically name anyone. It’s just a simple, nice and clean editorial on teen eating disorders.”

“Oh please, it’s basically calling out Lacy on her anorexia,” Ryan snapped. “Which she doesn’t even have!”

Killian sighed, sounding put upon. “What do you want me to do, Ryan? This has nothing to do with me.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “It has everything to do you with you! You have to stop this vendetta you have against her.” At Killian’s blank, curious look Ryan growled, jabbing a finger in his chest. “Don’t play dumb. I know it was you who uploaded that video of Lacy tripping at homecoming on YouTube.”

A smile threatened to creep on his face. Half a million hits, yes. Instead, Killian shrugged and said blandly, “I didn’t do it.”

The other boy scoffed. “Be for real. I know you. This is your handiwork.”

“You have no proof.”

Ryan’s jaw dropped. “The title of the video is Manstealing Ho Kisses the Ground. Trip Harder, Bitch.”

“It wasn’t me,” he replied flippantly.

Ryan threw up his hands, growling with frustration. “The user that submitted the video is named Light-Crusader.”

“Circumstantial evidence,” Killian shot back.

Ryan looked so frightfully angry for one awful moment until all of it just drained away, leaving him a sad shell. He looked resigned, miserable and so very tired of everything. Killian met Ryan’s eyes and he was momentarily struck by those clear eyes, so bright without those glasses to hide their natural shine.

“Why are you doing this, Killian?”

“Because,” Killian said trailing off, feeling like Ryan should already know. Because me and you are everything, you’re worth more than it all and I’m sorry. Ryan continued to stare at him not hearing his thoughts, and Killian just wanted to kiss that tiredness away so slowly and so gently.

“So I guess you really moved on,” Killian said instead, harshly. He berated himself for being so cruel. He couldn’t help it. What the hell was wrong with him. “That was quick.”

Ryan’s eyes went dark and flat. “Did you expect me to sit home and cry and beg for you to take me back? I'm over being sad.”

“I expect you to wrap it up,” said Killian coolly, wishing he could just shut up. “You don’t want to get herpes.”

Ryan’s face was thunderous. “You’re a dick.” He looked away, eyes darting to the softball field in the distance. “It’s not like that. Lace isn’t that type of girl.”

“Lace, really? You guys got close fast. I noticed all your new friends, too. I guess they love the new look.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” said Ryan, hurt clear in his eyes. “I-I can make friends outside of our group.”

Killian felt his pain like a punch to the gut. “I’m not…that wasn’t—” he said softly.

“I’m not that pathetic, okay? Just leave me alone, Killian.” Ryan muttered something under his breath and walked off without looking back.

Killian reached out his hand weakly to his retreating back and dropped it, feeling stupid and fucking worthless. He pressed his palm hard against his forehead, suddenly faint and dizzy and he knew if he stood he would tilt right back and crack his head against the table. He would black out and wish to God to never wake up.

Killian didn’t show up to training that evening. He gave Chad some excuse and went home instead. He couldn’t bring himself to face Ryan. Not after earlier. So he dodged him and hid away like a coward. For a brief painful moment he imagined that Ryan would get concerned and come look for him, but Lacey entered the fantasy unbidden. She crawled into Ryan’s lap begging for comfort because of Killian’s meanness, and instead they have rough and fast sex. Lacey leaves Ryan there spent after getting hers and moves on to her next flavor of the moment. And really, Ryan had it coming.

Killian scrubbed a hand down his face. It’s getting hard to remember why he’s even mad Ryan. It didn’t start out like that. Ryan was hurt. And then Ryan had hurt Killian too. And the cracks in their relationship had never been so sharp and fragile.

Killian made his way downstairs and he could hear movement in the kitchen. He had to get his backpack from his car, but to do that he had to cross past the kitchen and through the foyer to the garage. He closed his eyes and took a breath, and then looking straight ahead he quickly walked forward. If he could just walk by…

“Killian,” his mother’s voice called sharply. His shoulders stiffened as he froze in place and squeezed his eyes shut. For a second he wondered if he didn’t acknowledge it would she go away.

That wasn’t the case.

He slowly turned around to face her, years of practice forced the crease between his brows to smooth out and a sheet of indifference to settle firmly in his eyes. “Hi, Mom.”

On the stove, he could make out pots, and the aroma of baked chicken and steaming vegetables hit his nose. His mother was thumbing through her phone, as she stirred the pots and the apron looked out of place over her new Dolce & Gabbana outfit.

“How was school?” she asked, not sounding like she cared. She flicked intently through the event planner on her phone.

He took a deep breath like he was stealing himself and then forced out a lie, “Great. I aced that essay I turned in on Macbeath.”

“That’s nice,” she replied, sounding distracted. She was too busy pouring out the water from the broccoli. “Your father should be home within the hour. So be ready for dinner by then.”

Killian stiffened. The Morris’ didn’t make it a usual affair to eat dinner together as a family. One or both of the parents were usually working. When they did sit around the table it was a quiet event filled with stilted conversation and veiled shade that kept the air frosty and filled with languid tension. He wasn’t looking forward to it.

Finally, his mother looked at him. Pale green eyes stabbed him like a spear and pinned him in place. Killian braced himself before he could stop the reflex.

“Have you been using that moisturizing face cream I bought you?” she asked.

Killian held back a sigh and his fingernails dug sharply into his palms, and he knew that if he looked he’d find little crescent shaped indents in his skin. He nodded and tried to keep the stark emotion from showing through his gaze.

“Yes, mom,” he replied softly. “Every morning.”

She shook her head. “Use it twice a day, then. Your face looks a little dry. That jar cost a hundred dollars. You’d think results would be more apparent.” She let a sigh. “Must be your father’s genes.”

He ducked his head so she couldn’t see the hurt that flashed aross his face, fighting the tremble that wanted so badly to start in his hands.

“Yes, mom,” he said tonelessly.

His mother nodded, apparently satisfied. “You have a photo shoot Friday afternoon, so don’t slack off. Airbrushing and touchups are expensive.” She waved her hand toward the stairway. “Go on and work on your homework before dinner’s ready.”

Killian nodded with a hollow smile. He marched upstairs and his steps were slow and uneven as he moved at a trudging pace, bare feet sliding roughly against the carpet. In his room he clicked the lock with a firm twist and fell against the bed. His pressed his palms against his skull and then twisted his hair into tangles in his fingers.

That wasn’t as bad as normal. She had been too focused on dinner to really tear into him.

Biting down on his lip, Killian tried to let the dark feelings go. It was nothing new. His mother was cold and his dad was a dick. He was used to it. He’d let it stop getting to him a long time ago. This was a house and not a home. And one day he would be eighteen and free. Time was on his side. All he needed was patience.

He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d even smiled in this house.

Killian couldn't help but remember the last time he really and truly smiled. It had been in Nathaniel’s backyard. The memory played out behind his eyelids. Ryan’s face hovered above his, smile bright and wide as he straddled Killian on a swinging hammock. Ryan’s fingers traced equations into his skin as he breathed his ideas and dreams of the future against Killian’s tingling flesh. Butterflies danced in his stomach and he felt light and airy, like he was warm all over and at any moment he’d fly away into forever.

Killian was half dreaming when his window slid open. A draft blew in as Ryan darted through the open space and his feet softly thumped against the carpet from his landing. Ryan ran a hand through his dark hair, smoothing it back into his new style that kept it free from his face.

“Hey, beautiful,” said Killian sleepily, half fogged dreams keeping him from realizing he was awake. “S’hoping it was you.”

Ryan flushed at his slurred greeting. He bent over touching a hand to Killian’s shoulder. “You weren’t at training today. I was-”

Killian grabbed the hand on his shoulder. Their fingers slid around each other automatically, entwining together, and he smiled a dizzy, lopsided smile as he blinked sleepily up into Ryan’s confused and red face.

“You were worried about me?” Killian said, voice deep and husky. “This is a nice dream.”

Ryan’s face closed off and he took a step back. Their fingers separated and Killian’s hand fell against his chest. He sat up a little, frowning. After that it was easy to see the realization wash over his face as he finally caught on this wasn’t a dream. He blinked quickly and his eyesight cleared, as he looked at Ryan with a hesitant confusion.

“You good now?” Ryan's voice lacked the warmth it carried only moments ago.

Killian nodded with red cheeks. “Awesome. What are you doing here? Chad sent you to check up on me?”

Ryan squared his shoulders as disappointment flickered across his face, Killian wanted so badly to just take it back and start over.

“I came on my own.”

Killian smiled coyly. “Lacey won’t be worried?”

“Will you stop,” Ryan snapped, annoyed. “You can’t be mad at me for trying it out with her.”

Something dark and ugly twisted in Killian’s stomach and he shook his head angrily. “Yes, the fuck I can. You said it yourself we won’t ever be over. We have something special, Ryan. Don’t you forget it.”

“Me, forget?” Ryan spat, eyes darkening with rage. “I didn’t end this. You did. I damn well know what we have, but I’m not going to go running back to you every time you snap your fingers and decide I’m worth it.”

“You’ve always been worth it,” Killian growled, eyes flashing.

Ryan crossed his arms staring at him coldly. “Surprise to me.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know how much you mean to me,” said Killian. “I’ve been in love with you for the better part of two lifetimes now. I know exactly how I feel about you.”

Ryan threw his hands in the air. “I know that! But it’s not enough anymore, Killian. We can’t reference our past lives, kiss and that’ll magically make everything better. We need new memories, better ones.”

Killian stood up with superhuman quickness and wrapped his hands around Ryan’s wrist in a tight grip. He grinned at the startled noise of surprise Ryan made.

“Sun Rise Revision - Lunar Flight!”

Their bodies burst into countless motes of silver light and they disappeared.

The world was a mix of colors that lasted for a terrifying moment as their matter streamed through the air riding on the waves of traveling light. In one second they were on Earth and then in the next they reappeared in a much different place.

Ryan stumbled as his feet hit the ground and Killian’s arms reached out to steady him. He fell into Killian’s chest and for a second everything was alright as his heart raced and warmth flooded his chest. Then Ryan pulled away taking away the moment. He glanced around in wonder.

They stood in front of a massive basin that was at least half a mile long. Pale gray mountains stretched across the horizon and the barren landscape was dotted with smaller craters and above them were stars. They were bright and so close, but that paled in comparison to the Earth that loomed above silent and gigantic like some quiet sentinel.

Ryan looked around with amazement. “We’re on the Moon?” He glanced down at his hands and took a deep breath. “How --”

A tiny smile crossed Killian’s face and he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Our celestial bindings protect us from the cold and zero atmosphere. Kinda convenient, I guess.” He gave a lopsided shrug and swept his arm out. “Welcome to Mare Serenitatis.”

“I --” Ryan shook his head at loss for words. “It’s beautiful. Why’d you bring me here?”

“It’s just…quiet. And away from everything,” said Killian in a low voice. He lowered his eyelashes. “I wanted to bring you here for a while. It reminds me of you.”

Ryan looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “This reminds you of…me?”

Killian nodded crossing his arms and leaning into Ryan’s side. He noticed that Ryan didn’t move away from the touch. In fact, the other boy pressed right back against him and Killian wanted to smile like a kid.

“It’s quiet and peaceful,” Killian started. “Just like you. The stars – they’re bright and glowy and even billions of miles away you can see them shine. Like you.” Killian bit his bottom lip and said thickly, “I miss your glasses...”

Ryan covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head. “They were dumb. I don’t even need them anymore.”

Killian shrugged with one shoulder and said quietly, “They were adorable.”

Ryan flushed, turning to hide the smile creeping on his lips. “Shut up.”

“I meant it when I said I want to be your friend,” said Killian into the silence as they gazed around the eerily quiet lunar plains. “You don’t even understand how much of my heart you own. If you asked I would happily give you everything. When you didn’t trust me it hurt, Ry. It hurt so goddamn bad. You were my one good thing and you didn’t believe in me.”

Ryan turned to him, eyes wide. He licked his dry lips. “Killian-”

Killian shook his head and squeezed Ryan’s wrist. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Ryan. Never that. Never to you. I just wanted us to have time to fix the pieces we broke and come back together, better and stronger.”

“I made a mistake, Killian,” Ryan admitted, his eyes filling with tears. “I admit it and there’s nothing I can do to take it back. I have issues sure, but we could’ve worked on it together. You broke my heart, Killian. You have no idea how stupid and humiliated I felt. God, I can’t even.” He took a breath. “I love you. But give me something to work with here–I can’t sit in limbo. I have to try to live or I’ll go crazy.”

Killian faced him and there was hard determination etched on his face. “I know I’ve given you mixed signals, but I do want to be your friend.” He resisted the urge to wrap his arm around Ryan. “But I want more. I’ll sweep you off your feet until you won’t know up from down.” Killian ran a hand down the arm in his grip, causing Ryan to shiver. “I’m declaring war on your heart, baby, and I’m not losing.”

Ryan blinked several times and stared at him. He shook his head to clear it. “I’m through falling in your arms, Killian. I’ve thrown myself at you too many times. I feel like a fool now.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Killian promised, staring into dazed gray eyes. “I mean it.”

Ryan let out a shaky breath. “Prove it.”

Killian nodded, a gleam appearing in his eyes that made Ryan swallow heavily. “I will. Game on, Ry’.”

He grabbed Ryan again and they vanished from the moon’s surface as simply as they appeared. Ryan startled at suddenly finding himself on the grassy front lawn of his house. He turned to Killian and then narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t do this because of Lacey, Killian,” Ryan demanded. “I can’t stand for this to be all out of jealousy. I’m not your boyfriend anymore.”

Killian frowned and quickly shook his head. “She doesn’t even matter.” Something old arose in his eyes as Apollo surged forward. “That silly human girl is of no consequence.” A sunny grin appeared on his face and Killian was back. “I’ll destroy her."

“Killian,” Ryan said warningly, giving him a look.

Killian shrugged unphased by the look and beamed. Nothing could keep the smile off his face. He felt like he could start bouncing. A lightness was in his heart that he hadn’t felt in too long and it was making him lightheaded and giddy.

“She started it.” Killian grinned. “I’m going to finish it.”

He leaned forward and claimed Ryan’s lips in his own. The kiss was slow and gentle and better than he remembered. And there was nothing more in life did he miss more than this. He licked his way inside Ryan’s mouth and felt a surge of happiness at the moan Ryan emitted.

He leaned back and Ryan snorted in amusement at the look of triumph Killian wore. He pushed at Killian’s shoulder trying to smother the mirthful smile threatening to break on his own face.

Killian licked his lips feeling like he could taste Ryan on his tongue. “I missed that.”

“Remember, Killian, friends,” Ryan reminded him, shaking his finger in his face.

He held up his hands placating, smiling sheepishly. “I didn’t forget, Ry. I meant it. If we’re doing this then we’re going to do it right. And it’s going to be awesome.”

“What are you planning?” asked Ryan, unable to keep the hopefulness from his voice.

Killian's eyes were brighter than earlier and he smiled so hard that it was dazzling. “Spoilers.”

Killian waved and vanished in a burst of silver orbs that streamed into the moonlit sky. Ryan swallowed and brought his fingertips up to his mouth, surprised to feel his lips curving upwards.

Lovers, Boyfriends, exes, friends - something in between - and still Killian made him smile