Welcome to Brain Torture Hotel - 1. Brain Torture Hotel

Good morning, Madam! Welcome to Brain Torture Hotel -- “torment and cravin’, we’re your haven!” Have you been a guest here before? Oh, Miss Shame -- forgive me, I didn’t recognize you! Shame on me, ha ha! You always go to such great lengths to alter your appearance. But don’t worry -- you have everything to be ashamed of here, Miss! Ha, ha! A little occupational humor. But you are most welcome, of course, Miss Shame. Our motto here is, “If torment you are causing, we’re your lodging!” Yes, well, I agree, it needs a little work. Those don’t really rhyme, do they?

Ah! Good afternoon, Mr. Self-Loathing! So good to see you again! It hasn’t been long since your last stay. You must really like it here -- you just can’t seem to stay away, can you? Well, as one of our most frequent guests, you can be certain that we have reserved your usual suite. And of course the restaurant downstairs has all your favorite dishes to keep you strong and virulent. Yes, yes, plenty of old memories to chew over, and a whole buffet of personal comparisons and inadequacies -- yes, yes, professional, amorous, personal, as well as simple everyday practical abilities and accomplishments. Yes, be assured that you will be well-fed during your stay! And how long will you be staying with us, Mr. Self-Loathing -- or is this another indefinite stay?

Oh, Mr. Regret! Welcome, welcome, once again! How are Mrs. Regret and all the little Reg-rets? Ha ha! Probably you noticed my little play on words -- “regrets” and “rugrats.” Quite correct, I am regretting it already. Yes, "rugrats". It’s an American colloquialism I picked up recently. Or is that “colonialism?” No, colloquialism, surely -- there are no regrets about colonialism. Well, your entire family is welcome here any time. I know you like to travel in groups. No? No wife and kids this time? What’s that -- brothers? Oh, wonderful. How many brothers will be staying with you? Well, just an estimate then. After all, we must arrange your accommodations accordingly. Strictly speaking, I shouldn’t do this, but I think I can book you all in the large meeting hall. It does not have beds, but then, you don’t ever get much sleep, do you? We are going to need that hall on New Year’s Day, but the previous night’s celebrations are designed to give birth to a lot more of you, and the more the merrier, isn’t it, Mr. Regret?

Ah! Good afternoon, General Harsh Judgment! Yes, sir, your room is spic and span and ready for you! We are all very aware of your exacting requirements for your accommodations. Oh yes, sir, the individual responsible for that speck of lint on your dresser during your last visit has been dismissed. We can’t have that sort of thing on the furnishings of one of our most valued guests! And, General, please let me apologize again for that unfortunate encounter in the lobby with Mr. Compassion. I don’t know how that fellow ever got in here. You are absolutely right, sir, this is no place for his sort! We have standards here at the Brain Torture Hotel, and we run a tight ship, if an Army man like yourself will excuse a naval metaphor. Well, here we support you and your troops, sir!