Playlist - 4. Track 4) Colorblind - Beach Bunny

March 4th 5:02PM

Audrey had requested to meet at a bar in North Hollywood. Normally, a drive from Glendale to NoHo would take maybe fifteen minutes, but Sebastian wasn’t having a normal travel day.

Los Angeles traffic was notorious for being as enjoyable as a root canal. On the wrong day, it could take a full episode of Ted Lasso just to get from one interstate exit to the next; Sebastian knew this, as he’d once done it. Today was one of those wrong days, perhaps because it was Monday, and everyone was itching to escape their first day back to work after the weekend. Sebastian was definitely eager to get where he was going or at least, to leave where he once was. The feeling of loneliness thanks to Kate’s sudden departure frayed at his soul and followed behind his car like a newlywed couple’s cans on strings.

For now, the only place he had been for the last forty-five minutes was looking at the back end of a gaudy Range Rover: miserable company for a miserable traffic jam. The car in front of him seemed to have forgotten that their blinker was on, too. Sebastian thought to himself that he probably should not have been irritated by someone actually using their turning signal on the freeway (unicorn-level-rare in Los Angeles) but considering that brought him no peace.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

“You’re not taking a fucking turn, idiot,” he hissed futilely under his breath. The Range Rover inched forward slightly, a fruitless attempt to have the congestion flow forward.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

God, Sebastian wished he could just rear-end them.

His phone vibrated. Technically, using the phone while driving wasn’t safe, but was Sebastian really driving or was he actually stuck in a unique and special Hell created just for him? Did Hell get cell service?

He’d received another text from Audrey. Running late! Hope you don’t mind!, it read.

He texted back: All good. Stuck in traffic. We will see if I can get there or if I die from boredom along the way.

He looked up to check if there was any progress to the traffic jam.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Sebastian’s hands gripped tighter around the steering wheel. Why traffic? Why now? He had so much pent-up emotion and confusion boiling within him, he swore steam started to fog up the window to his side.

The back of his mind echoed, “Ah, this is just a fact of life, Sebastian,” in his father’s modest Mexican accent.

His dad had said things like this all the time when Sebastian was young. When his seventh birthday cake had his name spelled “S-E-B-A-S-T-A-I-N,” it was just a “fact of life” that people mess up. Despite being devout enough to get a tattoo of their 2000’s logo on his tricep, his father never fumed if the Kings lost a hockey game as losing was also a “fact of life.” When his parents split up, when his father had to go away for a while, Dad had sorrowfully lamented before he left that people not sticking around was another unfortunate “fact of life.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Sebastian swallowed a lump in his throat. He shouldn’t be thinking about Dad right now. That just whipped up a different genre of frustration in his life, and it was better for him to focus on what was going right now, in the present.

These fucking cars that would. Not. MOVE.

He furiously smacked the side of his gear shift. The traffic must have had a sick sense of humor, because not a second after, the cars began to move. Finally, progress was being made. Though, the Range Rover in front of him never switched off their signal, taunting Sebastian the whole way onwards.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

March 4th, 5:35PM

Much of North Hollywood didn’t exactly “speak” to Sebastian. The area, as was the case for most of this part of Los Angeles, embraced a kitschy, touristy energy he didn’t appreciate (not even ironically). There was even a famous pub in NoHo that was actually shaped like a giant barrel-- look it up.

Fortunately, Audrey’s choice of where to meet up was a simple, hole-in-the-wall dive bar called Mary’s.

The bar seemed to be structured down the very last lack-of-a-coaster to be inconspicuous. It had just low enough lighting where, if it was dark out, you’d be talking more towards the suggestion of a face rather than fully seeing anyone else around you. Its drink listing was pretentious but not indecipherable, and its whispery overheard music was trite but conventional. To Sebastian, its simplicity might have actually been a statement by its very nature, as its nondescript atmosphere was unique in a sea of other Hollywood-area businesses trying to be… well, descript.

Indoors, there were few patrons to be found except a handful of people out from work, clearly coping after a crap shift at whatever career that they had fallen into. And, of course, there was Audrey. She sat alone at a table right in the middle of the establishment, passively looking at her phone. Once Sebastian walked in, she glanced up and smiled. “There you are!”

Sebastian briskly hurried to the chair opposite her and apologized, “Traffic today was a mess.”

Audrey adjusted her round eyeglasses. “I wasn’t waiting long,” she hummed.

Sebastian took his seat. The two sat there, not knowing who should speak first. Both of them just shifted their bodies simultaneously, as if they were readjusting themselves into “conversation-mode.”

“So, um,” Audrey finally spoke up, “What’s up?”

What wasn’t up?

“Work’s a nightmare,” he groaned.

“You work in music production, right?” Audrey gently inquired.

Sebastian paused. He realized that Audrey knew actually next to nothing about him, besides that he was gay and perhaps whatever Naveen had relayed to her. Then, a second thought crossed his mind; Sebastian knew next to nothing about her.

He struggled to figure which direction to take the conversation. He didn’t want to be rude and just make the whole meeting about him, but Sebastian also knew that the whole reason Audrey agreed to come out with him was because he not-so-subtly was going through a crisis.

“Um, yeah,” he affirmed.

Audrey paused and decided, “Let’s get a drink first.”

And so, through two beers and a half-hour passed, Sebastian explained everything: his creative partner leaving, his talented but immature client, the upcoming wedding he may attend, and even the lingering worries Sebastian had about his sexuality and Emile.

Sebastian wasn’t really sure why he spilled his guts out so easily to Audrey. He wouldn’t describe what he was doing as “confiding” in her; he didn’t trust her really, but he didn’t not trust her either. It was almost like he was listing out the facts about his day. Besides him being gay, nothing he admitted was sensitive information. Yet, he felt oddly comforted by her quiet nods and “Mm-hmms,” every so often.

“...and, now that I’ve been talking for just over a half hour, I now just realized I never even told Kate that I’m…” Sebastian’s voice lowered as he concluded, “gay.”

God, he talked a lot. “Sorry for just blurting it all out like that.”

The woman twitched her lips into a small grin and said, “No, no. It’s fine. That sounds like a lot to deal with.”

“Work shouldn’t be this overwhelming.”

That got a laugh out of Audrey. “You’re telling me.”

Again, it crossed his mind that Sebastian knew nothing about Audrey. Now that the storm in his mind had quelled to a rolling thunder, he felt obliged to ask, “Wait, what is it that you do?”

Audrey paused. She took a sip of her beer. “Well,” she said, “If I tell you this, I want you to promise me that you’re not going to ask the ‘professional’ side of me for help.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Promise, Sebastian,” she insisted.

“Okay, fine. I promise.”

Did she work for the CIA or something?

She sighed, “I am a therapist.”

That made a lot more sense to Sebastian. Though, Audrey looked too beautiful to be a therapist. Not that Sebastian thought therapists were ugly, no, but he had figured she’d be doing something like modeling or flight attendant work or something else where people got to look at her all day.

Frankly, he was a bit impressed. Then he felt a bit guilty for feeling impressed, because of how superficial he had to have been to even think of all that in the first place.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she put her hand up in a defiant, very-not-therapist-like way. “So, despite this not ever being something I’d advise to my clients,” she said brusquely, “You need some dick, Sebastian.”

“Excuse me?” he coughed. He felt like the wind got knocked out of him.

“And maybe some gay friends,” Audrey continued. She waved her finger along the rim of her pint glass and mused, “‘Cause I may be your friend…”

Sebastian’s heart skipped a beat at the word “friend.”

“But,” she went on, “I don’t exactly know if I’m the best help for dating advice.”

It was true that, technically speaking, he had no queer friends in his life. On TV, though, most groups of gay men hung out in gay bars, and Sebastian was not ready to cross that threshold any time soon. If that was what kept him from mingling with his community, so be it.

But, as previously pointed out to him, Sebastian also barely had any friends at all. Kate and his relationship was confusing to say the least. Apparently Audrey actually was his friend though. Did Naveen also count?

“Hey, wait,” Sebastian chimed, “You’re literally dating someone. You have some experience, right? How’s that going?”

Audrey tilted her head wistfully. “Oh, Naveen and I are… something. Something good. But from what I do know, gays have a whole different culture to stuff like this. You guys have a whole app scene for that.”.

Sebastian shivered at the thought of trying out a hookup app. He already knew that appearances were pretty much 99% of what people cared about there, and while Sebastian had no room to judge the gays who were into that stuff, he also was well aware that he wouldn’t exactly be prosperous in that scene.

“As for your friend… Kate, was it?” Audrey quizzed.

Sebastian nodded.

“Well, you can just tell her over the phone, I bet. Sounds like she’d be very understanding.”

Sebastian didn’t want to do it over the phone. He’d seen enough movies and read enough stories that coming out often went better in person. It didn’t feel right; it felt disjointed. “It just feels like, I don’t know, like a main character in my story just got killed off right at the end of the first chapter,” he admitted.

Audrey clinked her nail against her glass. “I…” she breathed, then she stopped herself.

“What?” Sebastian implored.

“...I don’t want to impose. For real, this time. It’s just that…” her voice wandered off then she darted her attention off to an uninteresting napkin crumpled at her toe.

“What, Audrey? What’s wrong?”

Finally, she relinquished. Clinically, she prefaced, “I have to say again that I’m not your therapist. I don’t want this to become a part of my relationship with you. Or with anyone for that matter. Like, it was one of the first things I told Naveen when we met.”

“...but?” Sebastian pressed.

“But,” Audrey sighed, “The therapist part of me is saying… If we’re going to follow this metaphor of your ‘story,’ then I see no real reason why you can’t rewrite it. Make it a love story. Or at the very least, you’re now out of the closet -- uh, sort of -- maybe you should try dating? Clearly you’re a bit lonely now, no offense.”

He held his tongue, as he was just a bit offended.

She added, “Personally, I kinda get why your ex dumped you for being in the closet.”

Double-offended, now. Damn, Audrey was really cutting deep.

“But,” she continued, “Again, now you’re out. Or you’re coming out. Seriously, it’s probably best for you to find some gay friends.” Finally, Audrey put up an open hand and stated, “Now, Therapist Audrey has shut down her business. For good. I’d advise you to find your own, if I’m being honest.”

By the time she finished, Sebastian had gulped down half his beer. He tried to process all of her advice as best as he could, but there was too much risk involved in dating. He didn’t want to just divert all his work stress by putting a new set of challenges before him. Honestly, Sebastian would happily take a break from reality and put himself in cryostasis like Walt Disney’s head.

He let out an exasperated groan and slunk his head down.

Audrey let out a modest laugh, then consoled, “Sebastian, I know what sudden loneliness feels like. Like, more than you think. So, yeah, we don’t know each other well… but I’d like to.”

Ew. Why the fuck was Audrey so nice? And cool? And understanding? What the fuck did Sebastian deserve to get any of that attention? He was a self-destructive recluse with enough baggage on him that he needed to bring one of those fancy hotel rolling carts everywhere he went.

He lifted his head slightly. “...You really think I just need to just have sex?”

She snorted. “Fuck… Friends… A lot of people fuck their friends, even. Either way, I'm prescribing you.”

Sebastian remained unconvinced, but nevertheless, it’d be a lie to say that her advice didn’t leave an impression on him. “Do you want another round?”

“We both drove here, I don’t know.”

“I’ll close out then.”

Sebastian hardly got two steps away from paying when his phone, which he had placed on the table sometime between crying about Kate leaving and crying about being dumped, rang. More specifically, out from his phone blared music about breakfast cereal suspiciously to the tune of a Madonna song. A few patrons gave them curious glances, a few others gave less-than-kind glares.

“Um, your mom is calling you,” Audrey called out.

Sebastian tried to inconspicuously race over to shut off the phone; tried and failed, as he tripped and slammed his side against a chair. “Fuck!” he cried, drawing even more unwanted attention.

He finally declined the call and made a begrudged mental note to call her back.

“You’re not gonna take it?” she inquired.

Sebastian let out a heavy breath. “If you don’t want to therapize me, let’s move on.”

“Okay then… was that a cover of Material Girl?”

“Sung by characters from Sesame Street, yes it was.”

Audrey blinked. Sebastian fully expected some sort of judgemental quip from her (though perhaps that was more Naveen’s speed), but she simply put on a wry smile.

Purposefully changing the subject, he blurted, “So, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Um, anything. I feel like I don’t actually know much. Besides that you're a therapist. And have decent music taste.”

Audrey overdramatically leaned backwards and feigned, “‘Decent’? How dare you!”

“I’ve heard a lot of crap music, Audrey. ‘Decent’ is in the upper echelon of quality for me.”

They both shared a warm giggle. Sebastian didn’t normally laugh like that, and it was unfamiliarly welcoming.

“Well for starters,” she said, “Unfortunately, I don’t have the same knowledge about LA like you and Naveen do. I moved here ‘bout four years ago.”

“Four years? I mean, that’s not a small amount of time.” Four years ago, Sebastian was still in university. That felt like a lifetime ago.

“Right, but… I don’t know.” She sighed. Something flickered behind her eyes. Sadness, maybe? “I didn’t get out much for a long time.”

Sebastian crossed his arms. He noted, “You seem like the total opposite of me, though.”

Audrey turned her head slightly sideways.

“I mean,” he explained, “You’re a lot more friendly and outgoing and… caring.” His voice trailed off at the end. It was strange paying so many compliments to someone like that, just out of the blue.

The energy behind her eyes wavered. “I had friends. Then I lost friends. I, um, I was really afraid to be social for a while because of it. Run-ins with them, well, I don’t think they’d do well for my spirit, you know?”

She didn’t say more than that, and to Sebastian, it didn’t feel right to try and pull out whatever had happened to her, despite him now really wanting to know what she was cryptically alluding to.

“Now I’ve got you. And Naveen. And I got a cat-- wait!” Her slender fingers pecked at her phone until she pulled out a photo of a gray, dapper-looking British shorthair, lounging on its back.

“Aww,” Sebastian cooed.

“His name is Iggy,” Audrey said with a touch of pride in her voice.

“Like. Iggy Pop?”

Audrey’s lips curled into a smile. “No, it’s actually short for ‘Iguana.’”

Iguana. Of all things, she named her cat after a scaly, spiky reptile from South America.

Sebastian tried his best to hold back another laugh. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. You named your cat Iguana?”

“Plenty of dogs get named ‘Bear’ every day,” she retorted playfully.

He couldn’t keep it in any longer. Out like water breaking through a dam, he laughed and laughed. Sebastian laughed so hard, Audrey started laughing, too, until they both realized they were being disruptive to the ambient atmosphere of the bar and simultaneously ducked their heads, pretending as if everything were normal.

Or maybe, things between them were normal.

She beamed at Sebastian. And he grinned back.

This inexplicable feeling came over him. His lungs could take in a bit more air, like something in him expanded. Or, rather, maybe the boundaries around him were expanding.

Sixteen years ago

Sebastian thought Dad was dead. He lay there like a corpse brought back from the war, carelessly plopped down on the hospital bed as if he were fresh from the stretcher and whoever had gotten him here had already seen a dozen more like him. By Dad’s side, on the table, he noticed there was a large vase of black-and-white calla lilies. Sebastian reasoned that they actually might have been there more for his mother, rather than Dad; she’d always loved flowers and was exceptionally good at tending to them.

Something made a subtle beeping noise. A tube was hooked up to his father, stretching to a monitor that seemed to be tracking his heartbeat or something. A light flickered on it.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Mom was not happy, despite the beautiful blossoms by the bedside. She was quite easy to irritate, but this coldness in her face was unprecedented. It might have been inappropriate for Sebastian to be there, but she insisted on bringing him to see what had become of his father.

“I’m sorry you have to see this, Sebastian,” she lied.

“...What’s wrong with him?” he quietly asked.

Mom tapped her foot and leaned just a hair over Dad. “Your father has a problem. He’s had this problem for a very long time, and despite him insisting that it wasn’t a problem-- well, now look at him.”

Sebastian looked at his dad again. He did not look back at his son.

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” Sebastian whimpered.

“Why are we even here, Mom?” Stef groaned from her seat by the hospital window. She had kept her distance from Dad ever since they got in the room. Sebastian suspected that his older sibling actually understood what was going on with Dad, but she also seemed a lot more preoccupied with her Nintendo DS than she did the family affairs.

Mom whipped her head over to Stef and hissed her name, “$&@$!% Santos!” She said it like a swear word.

Stef studiously went back to her DS.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Dad’s heartbeat trotted onwards. Slow, but steady.

Sebastian stepped over to his sibling. “$&@$!%, is it okay if I watch?” he asked.

Stef and Dad got along with their interest in playing video games; he’d even gotten her the DS as a Christmas gift. Sebastian, however, was fine with watching the games like a television show, rather than playing with them himself.

Stef looked from her brother, to her mother, to her inanimate father, then back to her brother. She hummed, “Yeah. D’you want to see Kiki?” She lowered her DS screen and showed off a digital Dachshund. Mom and Dad wouldn’t let them have a real dog, but after begging them to buy the video game, Stef got to care for a virtual one thanks to the power of technology.

Kiki playfully yipped through the game console’s crappy speakers.

Stef had the little dog covered in soap suds. “I have to bathe her because she got dirty playing outside.”

“I thought Kiki was a boy,” commented Sebastian.

“Yeah but I want her to be a girl, so now she’s a girl.” Stef seemed to have confused herself as she explained it. Nevertheless Kiki yipped again, proudly, as if she could somehow hear Stef.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sebastian noticed his mother shake her head at Dad. Her thin, white arms hugged her figure tightly.

Dutifully, he got up from his seat next to Stef and returned to his mother’s side. He hated seeing his mother in any sort of emotional distress. Usually she hid it well. This wasn’t like the time she was stressing over her real estate exam, either; back then, she just couldn’t hold back how anxious she was and how much passing it would mean for the family. Now, somehow Sebastian felt a canyon between her head and her heart, like they were going in two opposite directions, all without saying a word.

Her gunmetal gray eyes looked down at him with an emotion Sebastian didn’t quite understand yet. “...Hey Muppet,” she whispered.

“Hi Mom.”

Dad didn’t move.

Mom, however, did. She bent down and looked Sebastian squarely in the eyes. She gently kissed his forehead and let out an uncertain breath that grazed warmly over his nose. “Listen, Sebastian,” she warbled shakily. “$&@$!% may not understand this, but I think you will.” The tone of her voice was different, like it was when she talked to Dad, or to the doctor, or to other adults.

“What is it?”

“You need to do anything you can for the people you love or…,” her voice fragilely echoed. Then, her body cracked upwards. Mom was not a tall woman, but at that moment, Sebastian felt her reach up the ceiling. With her face now over Dad, she glowered, “Or you can’t love them at all.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.