Playlist - 9. Track 9) How To Forgive - Tennis

March 10th, 11:45PM

“...inevitable. What is wrong with acknowledging what would happen!”

“This isn’t even something we should be talking about so soon!”

“You were the one who brought it up!”

“Yeah! But I didn’t mean to turn it into a whole discussion!”

“Pretty sure this has gone way past ‘discussion,’ Audrey!”

“You were the one who brought up your dad like—”

“Oh you’re not about to make that your problem!”

“You know what, forget it. Right. This is my fault!”

“Come on, Audrey, don’t!”

“No! Just, you know what… just…!”

vr-vr-vr-VROOM!

The weekend got progressively hotter in the Los Angeles area until Sunday was an intense 89 degrees. Climate change. Global warming. Whatever.

Sebastian had to crack the lone window in his room because of the crazy heat, well, crazy heat for March. Come the summertime, he’d be happily dressed like it were a beach day just to get something from the dispensary.

Normally, his apartment block was rather quiet — a blessing for Los Angeles. However, in the middle of a relievingly restful sleep (considering the events the last two days), Sebastian was awoken by two voices steadily raising over each other from outside.

He’d fully rubbed the sleep out of his eyes by the time one of the people seemed to drive off.

Then, the front door of his apartment slammed shut.

…Was that Naveen? Shit. The other voice was mellifluous even in its frustration; Naveen and Audrey had got into a fight.

Though slightly muffled because of the barrier of Sebastian’s bedroom door, Naveen spoke up.

“Listen, Audrey. Please do not be upset with me. That just really hurt. We can talk about this later. Please just text me you got home safe.”

Then the apartment stilled.

A sharp breath spewed out from Sebastian’s nose. Anger was not easily processed. Too much intensity. Too much heat.

He pulled himself from bed to shut the window. He could bear with the heat in the morning; maybe he’d get lucky and the temperature would even-out come tomorrow.

His phone, situated a few feet from his bed (Sebastian learned at a young age to keep it away from his bed for restful sleep), dinged humbly through the nighttime silence. It was a “text” ding, too; who could be texting him this late at night?

He turned it over from its spot next to the bag of edibles and record Miles left from their Friday foray and opened the message.

Audrey, 11:57 PM: Are you awake?

His chest tightened.

Sebastian, 11:57 PM: Yeah. u good?

Audrey, 11:58 PM: no. want to smoke?

Sebastian resisted the urge to comment how un-therapeutic it probably was to smoke to cope with her argument.

Sebastian, 11:59 PM: Sure but where at?

Audrey dropped her location, somewhere in North Hollywood. Sebastian had to assume it was her apartment; it turned out she wasn’t very far from Mary’s, where they shared a drink about a week earlier.

Of course, Sebastian was always down for a smoke. Now he had his own good shit, too, thanks to his shopping trip last Friday. Just because he was down to smoke, though, did not mean he was willing to get all dressed up to hang out. It was midnight, who was he trying to impress?

After pulling on a pair of house pants detailed with dice-block decals and a black t-shirt that at least smelled clean, he made his way to the living room. Actually, he peeked his head through the crack of his bedroom door and surveyed the apartment like a secret agent would to check if the coast was clear.

And the coast was clear; Naveen seemed to have settled himself in his bedroom.

Sebastian wiped away imaginary sweat from his brow with his forearm. He was not feeling like explaining why he’d be leaving his apartment at— he checked the time.

Shit. 12:05AM.

The more his mind rebooted back into its “awake” state, the more he began to question just how he was feeling about all of this.

March 11th, 12:21AM

Audrey’s apartment was one of those places where you had to ring up the person to even let them into the parking garage. Her building was massive, too. Navigating it felt like Sebastian was lost in the Overlook Hotel.

His eyes flitted past each door as he ambled through the building. “210… 211… 212!” he cheered under his breath. Her apartment even had a doormat shaped like a raincloud, with the words “Come again some other day” written under it in swoopy blue lettering.

His knuckles gently rapped against the door, afraid to unsettle the midnight hush.

The door opened before he could get a third knock in.

Audrey appeared. She looked exactly like how the women who’ve had fights in the middle of night were depicted in movies. A tangerine bonnet adorned her head, and the puffiness in her eyes showed through a greenish face mask smeared over her cheeks. Comically, she was dressed similarly to Sebastian: sweatpants and a t-shirt not even given a second thought. Yes, her “day” look as Sebastian had always seen her was undone, but nevertheless, the woman kept her beauty.

“Hey,” breathed Sebastian.

“Hey,” she said back.

This moment would have probably been a lot more scary if he were attracted to women. Like the guy showing up at the girl’s place in the middle of the night because he screwed up.

Instead, Sebastian found himself relaxing his shoulders as Audrey leaned back to open up the entrance. “My roommate’s in Prague for a while,” she noted, “so welcome.”

Audrey’s place was noticeably smaller than Naveen’s and his apartment, which was probably why it seemed Audrey came over to their place instead of the other way around. However, there was much more of a “feminine touch” to her apartment over their's. The sofa in the living area had complimentary throw pillows. The coffee table had those sorts of books that you put on top for visitors to absent-mindedly curl their fingers through: photo collections of the French Riviera or Lego Floral Sculptures, that sort of thing. He tried his best not to gawk too much at how pretty her place was compared to the bare-bones “decor” of his place.

Audrey gingerly placed herself on the sofa. It took a moment, but then her body fully decompressed with a singular sob.

“You uh,” Sebastian stammered, “All good?”

“No.”

“You uh, want to smoke?”

“That’s why I brought you here, right?!” she snapped. Immediately, she shrank. “Sorry! I’m so sorry! Naveen and I had a fight.”

“It’s okay.” Sebastian approached the sofa and sort of just shifted his weight. Audrey glanced down at the empty space next to her, which he took as invitation enough to sit down. As he unpacked his set to smoke, he admitted, “I know.”

“You know?”

“I… uh… I could hear you.”

Audrey folded over her knees, propping her head up by the temples. “Oh god! I’m so sorry, Sebastian.”

“Nah. ‘s all good.”

The ritual began. He packed the glass; he lit the pyre; they took their turns putting their thoughts up in smoke.

Emile. Miles. Stefani. Mom.

Dad.

Once the offering burned to black, he got up and dumped the ashen leftovers into a quaint waste-bin by the door.

The two shared another long look at each other.

“Thank you, Sebastian,” she warbled as he took his seat again next to his friend.

“No, thank you,” he returned with a gentle chuckle.

“So… what are you pushing away?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

Audrey hummed playfully, “Something happened Friday.”

This wasn’t their dynamic. Friends don’t tell each other bad shit. Friends have fun together. Friends keep it light.

…except the weed was totally doing its job and those thoughts passed as quickly as they came.

“Miles made out with my ex-boyfriend,” he said.

Audrey let out a small, sad laugh and commented, “I get why you didn’t want to talk about it now.”

“That’s the half of it!” God, the tales he could tell!

This must have piqued Audrey interest as she leaned in nearer. He could literally smell the cucumber of her face scrub she’d gotten so close. “What do you mean?” she asked.

He grabbed at his sweatpants and diverted, “What was the fight about?”

With a “I see what you’re doing” squint in her eyes, she huffed out, “Kids.”

Sebastian burst into a fit of coughing, even though their smoking had long been finished.

Kids?!

After she’d graciously got him a glass of water, Audrey clarified as Sebastian glugged down his drink

“It was just one of those little comments that snowballed into something more.”

“But, like, you two’ve only been together for…?”

“Four months.”

Whoa. Turns out Sebastian missed out on a lot of his roommate’s life when he consciously kept away from him— go figure.

Audrey let out a tired sigh. “I wasn’t asking to have kids with him. God, it’s way too early for all that. But. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Do you know how many patients I have that are mothers? Rhetorical question. I can’t talk about it.”

Though Audrey’s voice was steady, Sebastian could feel her anguish. She went on.

“Naveen doesn’t want kids. Like. Ever. He doesn’t want to put someone through what he and his brothers went through.”

This was the second comment about Naveen’s family that had been left hanging. Coincidentally enough, the first was also when Sebastian had been smoking. Something about Naveen’s father passing away.

Was that what she was dancing around? Probably a better question for Naveen, not her.

She shook her head, waking from her haze. “Pretend like I didn’t just tell you that.”

“All good.”

“So. I want the rest of the story now.”

“The stor— oh.” She was not going to let this go, huh?

He was too high to fight it, so he exhumed Friday. Every detail. The bar-creep squeezing his butt like a stress toy. His loneliness in a packed dance floor. Emile.

He didn’t stop at his ex-boyfriend’s reappearance, no, his words spilled over into Saturday’s brunch with Stef, too. His mother. His father. Fuck, her apartment became the church confessional his Mom forced him to go to during his teens.

Audrey was not like Stef— her face actively reacted as Sebastian prattled. It was moderately unnerving seeing the effects of his words so directly.

Finally, he ran out of worries to heave out.

He felt Audrey’s arms loop over him. She dropped her head against his side. Sebastian didn’t know exactly what to do, so he just let her stay there. It didn’t feel… bad.

Minutes flickered by.

Audrey’s body rolled upwards. “That little tiff feels so far away,” she mused out to no one. Her expression hardened to something more determined as she said, “Guess I should mention, like I didn’t want to intrude too much, but I figured you wouldn’t search for a therapist yourself…”

Wait, was he supposed to do that?

“Don’t give me that look, I know you weren’t,” Audrey lazily chuckled. She pulled herself from the couch and slipped into a separate room (probably her bedroom).

When she returned, there was a white card pinched between two fingers. She planted it on Sebastian’s knee.

Dr. Jack A. Moore

Certified Clinical Mental Health Counselor (CCMHC)

555-2121-0030

“I can’t help you,” she explained. “Well, you know what I mean. But, I went through what little connections I’ve got. Still new to my practice.”

“Who’s this?” Sebastian asked, as if he didn’t just read the card.

“Jack’s an… interesting therapist.”

The way she said “interesting” was certainly not interesting. No, not ominous either.

“But! If you want to, he’s for sure taking clients. I can get you a discount and everything,” Audrey stammered. Her body wobbled a bit and she muttered, “Shit, I’m high.”

Dr. Jack A. Moore.

“Oh. Plus, he’s gay.”

A corner of Sebastian’s brain probably should have been insulted by the notion he as a gay person should be seeking out a gay therapist. However, the rest of his brain chastised himself for even faltering that way; clearly he needed some gay guidance and not from a free spirit like Miles.

“Can I think about it?” Sebastian squeaked. “I’m high, too.”

Audrey plopped her body down next to him and, a bit sleepily, she murmured, “It’s all out of my hands now.”

Then, the unmistakable sound of a meow came from the other side of the door Audrey had come out from. Out came a familiar-looking cat, coat as gray as a London sky.

“Iggy!” Audrey gleamed.

Sebastian eyed Iguana the cat suspiciously. He’d never actually been around a cat before. Though, like the picture he had been shown last week, there was no mistaking that Iggy was adorable. Not subjectively, objectively the cat was fucking cute.

Iggy seemed not to pay Sebastian any mind. Instead, the little guy walked over at Audrey’s feet, shook its tail end and leapt into her lap with surprising poise. Content, he curled up on her thighs and shut his eyes.

“Oh my god, he feels so warm,” Audrey said. “I swear this cat is a stoner.”

“How old is he?” Sebastian asked, though his eyes maintained on Iggy, as if the question were meant directly to him instead of his owner.

“Probably around eight years now. I’m not sure.”

“Can I pet him?”

Audrey leaned her head back slightly, as if she were offended. “Sebastian, of course you can pet him. He loves petties, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he?” Halfway through her sentence, she, too, put her attention towards Iggy. Something about an animal in the room always takes all the focus.

It did feel good to pet the little kitty. Probably because the weed was hitting good now.

Iggy didn’t even open his eyes to see who was petting him. Sebastian stroked two fingers between his ears and Iggy squatted them down in response, giving more room for pets.

“Sleepy lil’ guy,” Sebastian hummed. Though, he was feeling a bit sleepy himself.

“You can stay here,” his friend said. “If you want.”

“You sure?”

“I’m happy to have you,” Audrey assured.

Iggy purred eagerly.

Well, how could he say no if the cat wanted him there, too?

Sebastian queried, “How’d you get him?”

“Hm?”

“Iggy.”

“Oh. He’s from a shelter. A frie— um, someone recommended that I go.”

“Oh.”

“Haha. Shit.”

“Hey. Wait. What’s wrong?”

“...”

“Are you… Are you okay?”

“Ah… Shit… no. I’m not. Can we just… stay here?”

“...sure.”

Twenty years ago

Sebastian woke up thirsty. Mom would have left water beside his bed. Oh, but she was with $&@$!% tonight.

So sleepy.

Music was playing.

“Dad?” he croaked.

Dad sat on the sofa. The TV flickered turquoise light over him. Nothing was on. Except, he had their CD player playing something over the speaker. His father had his baby blue guitar plugged in an amp. His fingers moved without thought. So perfect in time with the song.

“Dad?” Sebastian said again.

Dad’s eyes were slow. “Oh. Hey there conejito,” he aired.

“What are you doing?”

Dad blinked. He looked like he was not sure what Sebastian was talking about. His fingers loosened and tightened around the guitar.

Finally, he said, “I’m playing music. This is Stevie Wonder.” Dad jerked his head to the speaker.

“That’s so cool,” Sebastian yawned. So sleepy.

“Hm. Could you do your dad a favor?”

Sebastian stretched his little arms. “Okay, Dad.”

Dad stopped playing. He pointed his fingers out to nowhere and instructed patiently, “Can you get your dad the guitar from his room? But the big brown one with the hole in the middle.”

Sebastian’s face perked up. “Okay!”

He toddled into his parent’s room. He already knew where Dad kept all his guitars. So many to choose from.

Oh, it was behind some stuff.

Wow. It was huge. Sebastian could hardly hug his arms around it. He knew to be careful with it. Dad once broke one of his guitars in a doorway.

He finally got back to dad with the big guitar in his grasp. He set it against the sofa.

His father didn’t notice.

“I got it, Dad.”

Dad nearly jumped from his skin. He peered at Sebastian and whispered, “Why’d you do that?”

“You told me to.”

“Oh, right,” Dad nodded. He broke into a lazy laugh. “Let’s do something fun.”

Dad set Sebastian up on the couch next to him. His father then hoisted up the guitar he had Sebastian retrieve and placed it on his son's lap.

Without thinking, Sebastian put his hands in the places where his dad would when he’d play his instrument. This made Dad nod approvingly.

“Put your fingers here… and here.”

Sebastian did.

This was so cool. “Am I playing guitar, Dad?” Sebastian chittered.

“Ah. It’s bass guitar,” Dad responded. “Kind of the same as this guitar. Kind of not.” Then Dad leaned down close and playfully confided, “Bass guitar is way cooler anyway.” Sebastian could see space in his eyes. The turquoise TV light painted the whites around his irises with magic.

Stevie Wonder played in the background. Soon, Sebastian and Dad played the song with him.