A Night with no Stars - 22. Hot Potato

Maks had been standing at the door for the last fifteen minutes, unable to force himself to ring the bell. It wasn't the first time his hand reached out and his fingers froze in the middle of movement. He had to do this. There was no other way.

It was surprising how scared he felt. Was it possible he was actually afraid of his fiancée? Of what she was going to say? He was definitely afraid of what she was going to do. She wasn't exactly volatile, but the risk was too great to underestimate her occasional displays of hysteria. The truth was, he wasn't completely honest with her all that often, they rarely had frank conversations about how they were feeling and that was probably the scariest part. That he wasn't sure if it was even something he could still do.

Think of Aleks, he told himself with resolve.

So far it'd been Aleks who had stressed him out the most, he'd made his blood boil when they'd been fighting, made his heart palpitate wildly when they'd been making love and sometimes he'd had trouble catching his breath only from looking at him, but unlike Ewelina, he'd never made him actually fearful. He could have been livid, he could have been burning from shame, he could have been anxious, but it'd just been a part of the rush and not this clammy trepidation in the face of looking her straight in the eye. Ironically, of all these insane feelings Aleks' mere existence had been awaking in him, true fear had never been one of them. The only thing to fear when it came to Aleks was the lack of him. He was... like a sanctuary. If Ewelina had ever been a sanctuary, she'd long since ceased being one. He wasn't sure when exactly he'd started to perceive her as an enemy and was quite regretful that it'd had to come to that.

He gathered himself one last time, reached out and this time finally pushed the button. For one pitiful second he actually hoped that she wasn't home, but no, he could already hear footsteps from behind the door.

"Oh," she exclaimed at the sight of him. "Hey, honey". Her smile was shy when she moved to let him in.

"Hi". He, on the other hand, sounded quite grave. He cleared his throat, hoping that next time he would open his mouth, he could make his tone more genial. He doubted it would be very helpful though.

"I can't believe you got up at this hour," she remarked, turning around and heading to the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee?"

He did not, he was going to do this as quickly as possible and nothing seemed sadder than an abandoned drop of cold coffee, left at the bottom of the cup after a horror of a conversation.

"I just wanted to talk," he said, following her and ignoring the question, then added distractedly: "Are your roommates all gone?"

"I told you they were going home for the weekend," she reminded him. It wasn't all that surprising that he'd never registered that.

Ewelina suddenly got more serious, as if she sensed what sort of conversation it was going to be. "So what is this about?" she asked, clearly minding to sound casual.

Apparently she agreed that it wasn't the best time for coffee, because she dropped the cups into the sink and came over to him instead. She got close, probably to create the air of intimacy, which in turn made Maks uneasy. He managed not to back away, but when he opened his mouth, he suddenly found himself unable to utter a single word.

Her eyes narrowed and she seemed to drop all pretence. "Aleks spoke to you, didn't he?" she figured.

Maks blinked slowly at the sound of his name from her lips, unnerved. "Yes," he admitted truthfully.

"I thought so. I asked him to." She sounded slightly ashamed of herself. "It's not like I try to get other people to fix our problems, I just thought—"

"It's fine," Maks assured her quickly. "He managed to... set me straight," he confessed wryly.

Ewelina smiled at the poorly hidden sarcasm in his voice, maybe because she thought it was promising that he was being so fully himself.

"He made me realise that I needed to tell you the truth." He hadn't remembered ever seeing anyone's expression changing so quickly. Her smile dropped in a split second, leaving a concerned mask in its place.

"The truth?" she repeated dumbly, maybe still trying to pretend it didn't mean what she already knew it meant. "Truth about what?"

"It's better if we go our separate ways," he enunciated each word very clearly and patted himself on the back for taking such a firm stand.

She was looking at him as if she'd never seen him before. "What..." she wet her lips, blinked, shook her head. "Why?"

He didn't really feel like explaining himself. "Look..." He was really doing his best to sound gentle. It turned out to be a wasted effort.

"No, wait a minute," she cut in, stepping back and still gaping at him incredulously. It took her no more than a second to process the situation. "That's bullshit, we're not breaking up," she objected, clearly regaining her self-confidence. "We can still... we can fix it, we both just need to put some fucking effort in it, but you—"

"We really can't—" he began quietly, but she didn't let him get a word in edgewise.

"—don't even want to give us a chance!" She started to raise her voice. "It's like you've already written us off and I don't get why! After all these claims that we're going to move past this, that we still want the same thing? You said that nothing has changed! That we could still be together and support each other, it was what you wanted or you wouldn't have given me this damn ring! And now you're telling me that... what? That you don't want this all of the sudden?"

"I do," Maks admitted easily, making a split-second decision he knew he would probably come to regret later. "But not with you."

The silence that fell after that was almost deafening.

"Who else?" she sputtered in a high, mocking voice. "There's nobody else," she declared, but there was a hint of hesitation beneath her patronising tone. "Aleks said there's nobody else—"

"Aleks said that?" Maks double checked with a trace of amusement.

She was too agitated by his claim to consider what Aleks had actually said. "I know there isn't," she repeated stubbornly. "I don't get it, Maks, there can't be any other girl! Have you even interacted with any girls lately?" She threw her arms in the air, utterly confused. "I would know if there was..." she halted, blinking slowly. "Is it Aga? You were at her place just now, at the lake." She sounded hurt and betrayed at the same time.

"What is it with you and Aga?" he scoffed impatiently. "Of course it's not—"

"Well are you surprised? She was the only girl except for me you could ever stand." She seemed to be thinking deeply for a long moment. Eventually her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Are you lying?" she asked flat out, crossing her arms. "I can't even begin to guess why you would make up something like that, but there's got to be another reason. I know for a fact that there's no girl, you haven't been paying attention to anyone but Aleks for months!"

"And you think that's a coincidence?" Maks finally snapped. "Or is it because I'm such a friendly person?" he added derisively.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked, puzzled and a little helpless.

Maks still had no wish to explain himself, but now he had to give her something. "Look, can't we just forget about it and—" he tried to bail out, even though he knew it was a fool's errand. Sudden realisation crossed Ewelina's face when something occurred to her.

"He’s put you up to this, hasn’t he?" she deduced. "That was his advice, to break up with me? You know, Maks, maybe it's about time for someone to open your eyes." She was getting visibly pissed. "Do you really not know why he's doing all this, why he's latched onto you and is now trying to turn you against me? I know you never notice these things, but can't you really see?" she sneered, taking a step forward with a bitter smile. "It's because he wants you for himself! Because he lives in a fantasy world and thinks that you two being friends means something more than it actually does! Because he's a fag, ok? And he wants you!" she shouted, finally losing it and looking at him with pity. "And you... you idiot, you let yourself be manipulated and feed into his illusion by showing him that you care when to him it's prove enough that you feel the same! I can't believe I even have to point it out, he screams gay from a mile away and makes such doe eyes at you I wouldn't be surprised if people passing you two on the street could figure it out! Really, only you could miss that your bestie gets all hot and bothered at the mere sight of you! And if I didn't say anything, would you ever put an end to it? How about when he accidentally gets impaled on your dick, huh?" she scowled nastily, challenging him with her eyes.

Maks managed to keep all the panic and fury at bay, just so he could state calmly: "Too late, he already had." Mostly he just wanted to shock her into silence, but he also wished for her to stop treating him like a moron. Between the two of them, she was the blind one. "You always think you've got everyone figured out. You've already decided that I'm a fucking idiot, you're convinced that you've seen right through Aleks from the start and the truth is you're the one who can't see what's happening in front of your face," he taunted, all his remorse momentarily evaporating. That person across from him, it wasn't his fiancée anymore, that was some random chick who thought she knew anything about him and Aleks when it reality she knew shit.

Ewelina blinked, slowly processing what she'd just heard. "But..." she spaced out, blinked, tried again. "But you... oh come on," she muttered to herself, as if she couldn't possibly comprehend it. "How can you... Jesus, Maks," she rubbed her eyes disbelievingly. "You should really seek help! Of all the fucked up things you could possibly... I mean, I get it, you were angry, but this is taking it a little bit too far, don't you think?"

Maks raised his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?" he asked, praying for patience.

"I'm talking about you being straight!" she exclaimed, clearly not understanding how he could even ask that. Suddenly she seemed to settle down, took a deep calming breath. "If this was supposed to be some fucked up revenge, if you did it to get back at me and he was the only one available then... then ok, weird, but ok—"

"It had nothing to do with you or with your—" Maks tried to cut off quietly, but as usual she didn't let him.

"—you were hurt, fair enough, you weren't thinking straight, also understandable, it's fine. I'm actually more mad at that little shit! First he's promising to help and the next minute he's taking advantage of the situation and dragging my man into bed?! Really, I'm almost impressed! Well, at least he's shown his true colours. Look, I don't want to know what exactly happened, can we just remove him from our lives and call ourselves even?"

For a moment Maks was too dumbfounded to react.

"What are you talking about? He didn't drag me into bed after you asked him for help, don't be ridiculous." That was the only thing he'd registered from her tirade. "Are you even listening to me at all?"

"Maks, you've literally just admitted that you've slept with him, don't try to deny it now—"

"Sure, two months ago." He even dared to shrug, before crossing his arms defensively. He could see the exact moment his words sank in, her face twisted with horror and her eyes closed before opening back slowly.

"Are you trying to tell me that you've been screwing him for two months?" She sounded suspiciously calm and smooth. Her voice had some dangerous tinge that Maks completely disregarded. He didn't even bother with an answer, he believed he'd been plain enough, so he just raised his eyebrow. "And that you've been screwing him when I was planning your fucking birthday party?"

"Probably exactly when you were planning my party," he twisted the knife, not even trying to bite his tongue anymore.

Ewelina stared at him as if she wasn't sure if he was still Maks or if she'd let some stranger into her apartment. After a long moment she let out a bark of loud, slightly hysterical laughter. Which was unexpected. "Ok, you've won," she announced, shaking her head and still laughing. "Congratulations, you've completely wiped the floor with me. That was a perfect dick move. Is that what you wanted?" She tried to sound defying, but her laughter was already turning into something else, her voice started to shake and the imminent tears could already be heard in it. "You've proven that you're the worst, I've never had a chance. I can't even look at you, it's sickening," she hissed, cringing back from him.

Maks couldn't muster up a more wholehearted reaction than rolling his eyes. "That's not what I wanted," he stated cooly. "It wasn't about getting back at you and I never meant to—"

"Wasn't about getting back at me?!" Ewelina repeated disbelievingly. "What the fuck it was about then?!"

"If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't about you at all—"

"It doesn't," she chipped in venomously.

"It's about him. I couldn't help it, it just happens sometimes—"

"It happens?!" she repeated furiously. "Are you even listening to yourself? You just happened to have sex with him?"

"I happened to fall in love with him," he corrected her. "So stop fucking screaming and let me—" he made a careful step in her direction.

"Don't touch me!" she snapped, jostling him away violently. "So it's about love, huh? Course it is, you've fucked someone who's been obsessed with you for months and now you're in love all of the sudden!" she scoffed derisively, as if it was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard. "Was it that good for your ego?"

Now she was getting hysterical. Maks rubbed his forearm and stared at her patiently, waiting for the rant to end.

"But since it was love it was ok to go behind my back, huh? I can't fucking believe that little shit had the audacity to tell me that 'he didn't know if there was anyone else'! And that you both have been lying straight to my face, you're fucking worth each other!" Now she was openly sobbing and started to rub her face vigorously.

"You cheated on me too," he reminded her flatly.

"You weren't here!" she yelled before deflating and leaning against the wall, clearly exhausted by her outburst.

Maks just blinked and gave up trying to talk some sense into her. He was startled that he wasn't more affected by this whole thing and wondered if it made him sociopathic. "Don't make a scene," he asked quietly and much to his surprise, she seemed to comply. For a long moment she was just breathing erratically. He was silent, waiting. She looked up eventually, her eyes were watery and red, but at least she seemed sobered up.

"I won't," she said, clearly trying to make her voice stop trembling. "I'm just curious, what now? Sure, today you're in love, you want to cut loose, fool around, that's all well and good. But you must know it won't stick, so what comes after?" She was looking at him expectantly, as if she actually believed her own words. "Cause people make mistakes. I've made a mistake," she admitted bravely. "And now you've made a mistake. But Jesus Christ, Maks, giving up after eight years and when we're supposed to get married on top of that... that's not a mistake, that's utter stupidity. I'd never planned on leaving you, I've told you that. Not like you're doing right now. If you just stop this nonsense, it will all be forgiven, we can go on with a clean state—"

"There won't be any more forgiving," Maks objected, nonplussed that she still believed they had a chance, that she was even willing to give him one after all of that. He'd never understood women. For some reason he was convinced that if he'd done such a number on Aleks, he would have tore him into pieces. That was a strange though. "Neither there will be an 'us'."

To his surprise, it just made Ewelina laugh scornfully.

"What's the plan then?" she challenged. "You and Aleks are going to live happily ever after? You can't be that naive, Maks! Aleks is a teenage queer, how long do you thing it's going to take before he gets bored with you? It's been two months already, so what, three? Four? And then you're going to end up alone with your newfound attraction to boys? You're not really a sugar daddy material," she mocked. It was just a front, a defence mechanism, because her eyes filled with tears again. Now she just looked tired, she bowed down her head and glanced at him imploringly through her eyelashes. "Maks, think," she pleaded. "It's not real. All these quick, artificial attachments never are. What's real are the years of learning each other and working our asses off to fix it."

"You're wrong," Maks said clearly. "The first time I've ever felt real was two months ago," he added harshly.

For the first time since the start of this conversation plain hurt crossed her face and it was also the first time Maks felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

She gulped with difficulty. "Ok. Ok, great," she scoffed, not really putting any heart in it and instead sounding completely flat. "Great choice, go back to him then. I hope it bites you in the ass. I'm sure Aleks will be there to support you when your parents hear the happy news." She tried to sound spiteful, but didn't exactly manage, this one came out flat too.

Maks closed his eyes in resignation. "That's your game plan?" He hoped she wasn't cruel enough to turn it into a blackmail.

She laughed bitterly. "You really think I'm a bitch, aren't you?" For a split second she looked dejected at the sudden realisation, before getting a grip again. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna ruin your life. I'll wait to see you and that brat do it all on your own."

Maks wanted to say something else, even though he knew that it was a purely selfish desire. He just wanted to make himself feel less like a pig and get rid of these faint traces of guilt that had finally flooded him.

"I've never planned on this to happen," he said, aware how pathetic of an attempt it was.

"Do you have any idea how cliché that is?" She apparently agreed, opting for condescending. It would probably work if she didn't break down in the middle of the scoff, finally letting the tears fall free onto her cheeks. She had her pride, she didn't want him to see her like that, so she bowed her head. "Just go, Maks," she asked, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. "I don't wanna talk to you anymore."

He stood there, torn, for a long moment. It felt wrong somehow to just leave it on such a sour note, without really explaining anything. "I think we should talk again, when you cool down a bit. I want you to understand that it wasn't my intention to—"

"We have nothing more to talk about," she cut him off with wet, trembling sob, still avoiding his eyes. "Go."

So Maks left.

***

Aleks had always preferred getting up early in the morning, pumping himself up and putting an armour on in advance, so he was ready to face all the bad things that were inevitably going to happen. He loathed waking up only to be instantly surprised, particularly by bad things. Like a bunch of hateful texts. That was an unpleasant thing to see first thing in the morning.

He stared at the clock for a long moment, stunned – almost ten am? He must have been really tired – before unlocking his phone reluctantly.

9:35 am. From: Maks' fiancée. I didn't think you had it in you to stab me in the back like that.

Jesus, he really needed to change her contact name already.

9:37 am. From: Maks' fiancée. You two are so messed up you're fucking worth each other, you little two faced lying piece of shit.

There was that. It'd taken her almost fifteen minutes to come up with more.

9:50 am. From: Maks' fiancée. he's all yours, i hope you choke on his dick you fake twisted slut!!!

There were a few more, similar to the third one, apparently once she'd started to unleash, she'd gone all out. Most of them included some iteration of 'go to hell' and a lot of exclamation points. Well, at least she'd blown off some steam. Seeing that he's gotten the guy in the end, he could just as well let her take it out on him and spend some time as her personal punching bag.

While staring at his phone, he suddenly felt his lips stretching inadvertently. Maybe it wasn't very appropriate to be happy about something like this, but the meaning behind it...

Well, it meant that there was another person walking the earth who truly hated him. He was getting quite the collection.

But it also meant that Maks had taken him by surprise once again. He should start getting used to the thought that his guy was more multifaceted than he seemed.

He jerked his head when he heard the keys fumbling in the lock. It might be silly but he couldn't wait to set his eyes on the unengaged Maks. There was something epic about it.

Epic was not a first word to describe Maks pausing hesitatingly in his own bedroom door, tense and clearly not knowing what to do with himself. Aleks forced himself not to roll his eyes and instead tried to meet his gaze. There was a great deal of longing and regret in there, as if he was trying to say 'I'm sorry for being such an idiot'. Aleks pressed his lips together to keep his smile from growing. Did he really think that he was going to be mad that it'd taken him four whole days to dump her, while Aleks had doubted it would have ever happened?

"I told her," Maks divulged promptly, eyes full of expectation.

"I know," Aleks nodded mildly.

Maks frowned. "How do you..." he broke off, instead taking a few careful steps forward. Aleks passed him the phone without a word.

"Go big or go home, huh?" he joked weakly, but Maks ignored him, focused on reading. Finally his hand with the phone fell limply.

"God, I'm sorry, turtledove." He looked up in dismay. "You shouldn't have to listen to such—"

"Maks," Aleks interrupted, this time letting himself to roll his eyes and grin brightly. "Shut up. Come here," he commanded softly. Maks complied meekly and let himself be grabbed, drew closer and kissed slowly. When he started to relax, Aleks cupped his other cheek and retreated slightly to tenderly rub his nose with his own. "I don't care about it. Besides, she's right," he admitted bluntly. "We've made our bed now we have to lie in it." He grinned fleetingly. "But... that was the only way, wasn't it? At least I couldn't see any other, that's why I've been nagging you so much."

"You haven't nagged me in ages." Maks corrected him, the first traces of mirth shining in his eyes.

Aleks snorted inelegantly, groping him suggestively. "It's been four days, don't be dramatic."

Maks pushed him away playfully. "And no, there was no other way," he concurred, his smile dimming slightly.

This time it was Aleks who turned uncertain. "So... no regrets?" He pretended to be joking, but Maks knew better than that and his eyebrows knitted in chagrin. Was he still questioning him? He grasped his chin to lock their eyes.

"Are you out of your mind?" he asked callously. "Do you really think I would have even bothered if I wasn't absolutely sure and haven't thought it through a billion times? Sometimes I don't even carry out plans that I'm sure of and thought them through a billion times. It doesn't work the other way around," he owned up sourly.

Aleks chuckled. "Right, I should be honoured that you've found me worthy of making such a profound change in your blissful routine," he teased half-heartedly.

"You should," Maks agreed, deadly serious himself. There weren't many things that would get him to turn his whole life upside down. In fact, there was only one such thing. He laid down on the bed, pulling Aleks with him. "I'm sorry it took me so long."

"If you try to apologise one more time I'm gonna slap you," Aleks deadpanned.

"I'm sorry," Maks repeated dumbly, just to rile him up. He liked this aggravated scowl of his. Beside that scowl, Aleks didn't even bother to reply. "So what had you been up to when you were giving me the silent treatment?" he asked innocently.

Aleks' eyebrows knitted. "Never mind that, I would rather know how you're feeling about spending the rest of your life without the future wife?" he deflected with genuine curiosity.

Maks smiled serenely. "Wonderful," he decided without second thought.

Aleks blinked. "Wonderful, really?" he repeated sceptically.

"Really, cause, you know," Maks smirked sneakily. "I already have a backup plan," he confessed.

Aleks' shoulders started to shake with uncontrollable laughter. "You're moving on quickly," he quipped appreciatively. "It's not very decent," he added after short deliberation.

"My backup plan is not into decency," Maks shot back swiftly.

"Your backup plan is not into being called a backup plan." Aleks wrinkled his nose in indignation.

Maks gave him an indulgent smile before snatching his waist and pinning him into the mattress. "My one and only is not into decency," he breathed into his ear. Aleks gasped, letting himself be manhandled and watching Maks though his eyelashes. He looked suspiciously happy, like he couldn't stop staring at him in awe and smiling dopily.

Aleks grew impatient after a long minute of being ogled. "What?"

Maks was still beaming. "You're gonna be my boyfriend now," he announced with a bright grin, still pressing him into the mattress.

Aleks laughed deliriously. "Oh, am I?" he scoffed just to be obstinate.

"Yes, you are," Maks shrugged, pressing his face into his neck. "You know you want to," he said with confidence, dropping feather kisses all over his collarbone. Aleks tilted his head to make space for him, squeezing his eyes shut. "Say it," Maks demanded, mouthing back up his neck and tracing his ear with his tongue. It set Aleks off every time.

"Stop it," he whined as expected, trying to keep a straight face. "What are you, five?" He tried to slip away from his arms but Maks held him firmly.

"Say it," he repeated sternly, keeping up the torment.

"I already am," Aleks yielded, quitting his struggle. "Don't you know that I am?" he grumbled in exasperation, glancing at him askance.

Maks briefly thought that they were both really fucking silly. "I know," he whispered. "But now I am too," he added honestly.

Aleks bit his lower lip. "I'm glad you are," he said, closing back the distance between them.

It was pretty corny but Maks didn't mind at all, he just kissed him back, savouring the thought that finally there was no one else, only the two of them against the world. So many hurdles still, but at the same time nobody who could come between them. He knew it wasn't all going to be perfect from now on, but at least one obstacle had been removed. Ewelina couldn't possibly find out about something she was already aware of, now she only needed to accept it and that was out of his hand. But it was going to happen eventually, because what else was she supposed to do against him falling for somebody else? That was a no-brainer, her hands were tied, no reasoning to convince him otherwise even existed.

He'd been thinking about it a lot. It'd been easy to utter this precious little word to Ewelina like a weapon. It'd also been easy to whisper it to Aleks when he was sleeping, unaware and unbothered by any confessions. Then it'd just been a fact voiced out loud, but in daylight it'd become hard. He didn't know why, they weren't on a shaky ground anymore, if they'd ever been, and he was pretty sure that his feelings were at least a little bit reciprocated. He couldn't remember ever having that problem before. He wasn't even sure when had been the first time he'd told Ewelina that he loved her, it hadn't been an event, she'd been his girlfriend and he was supposed to love her and let her know so at some point he had and then he'd kept doing it. He didn't want the story to repeat itself. With Aleks it needed to be significant and that's why he was freaking out about it so much.

Aleks didn't know nor care, after a few long minutes of sensual making out he got impatient and turned them around so now he was on top, smirking down at Maks and studying him with narrowed eyes. He was so expressive. So lovely. Maks trembled slightly with exhilaration, waiting for him to lean down, get closer, kiss him, anything.

"Are you mine?" he whispered smugly.

He already knew the answer, but Maks replied anyway: "Yes." He reached to grab his hip with one hand and his neck with the other, brought him closer, closer, until there was no space between them left. "I was yours yesterday just the same."

Aleks' lips stopped an inch from his own. "Sort of," he allowed flippantly.

"Just the same," Maks repeated stubbornly, nudging him away so he could look into his eyes. "Trust me, having a fiancée on paper didn't make any less yours."

Aleks raised his eyebrows dubiously, clearly disagreeing strongly with that outlook.

Maks felt like groaning, but he didn't want to appear mad. He wasn't mad, he had apparently just spent the last two months in some other reality than everyone around him, because to him it was pretty obvious. "I would know, wouldn't I? If I say that I've belonged to you all along then that's the truth and that's final." He shrugged, as if that was completely out of his control.

As expected, Aleks rolled his eyes and his expression softened, but he also smirked. "Don't get so cheeky, you've proved multiple times already that things you should know are still giving you a lot of trouble."

Maks narrowed his eyes. Aleks was still straddling him and his hands were wandering appreciatively down his chest, which completely contradicted his harsh words and the dry tone of his voice.

"I know a lot more now than I used to," Maks chimed in cryptically.

"Yeah?" Aleks muttered softly, drawing up the hem of his shirt, bending over and peppering his ribs with kisses, moving up to his sternum. Maks gasped when he reached his nipple. "Tell me," Aleks urged him wickedly.

It was so hard to focus. Maks knew he could turn it into a jest. Make it about sex, because he had certainly learned a lot in that area in the last two months. Or he could tell the truth.

"I always did what I was supposed to," he confessed quietly. "Always well behaved. Never rebelled. Down to earth. I met all expectations. And what have I got for it? I feel like I've wasted so much time already and now I've got none left."

Aleks immediately halted his advances and looked up to devote his full attention to his words. "What are you talking about? You've got plenty of time," he chided him gently.

Maks nodded heavily. "I kind of know that. But I still feel like it's the last chance to... make things right?" It sounded more like a question than a statement. He moved his eyes to the ceiling, because confessing his deepest thoughts while keeping eye contact was mortifying, even if it was just Aleks. "It's absurd, I'm only twenty five, but so far I've been fucking it up big time."

Aleks straighten up, now genuinely concerned by his sudden change of mood. "You didn't do anything irreparable," he reassured cautiously, because it was probably about his ex-fiancée. Or his job. Or both. "Is this about Ewelina?" he asked point blank and was surprised when Maks shook his head.

"Not really," he said thoughtfully, but then suddenly snapped out of it, blinked and looked down. "Sorry... we were supposed to be doing something more fun." Aleks' erection was still pressed against his crotch, but he actually felt himself limping.

"Fun can wait." Aleks forced his chin up, before rolling off of him and laying by his side. "Not really, but kind of...?" he hinted expectantly.

Maks cleared his throat and averted his eyes again. "You know, I'd genuinely thought I wanted to be with her before I met you. I couldn't have known that it was a mistake, back then. Finding you just shattered the illusion. But I've always known that I hate economics. Always," he emphasised, frowning. "What the fuck was I even thinking? I have no excuse. I'd had a plan and then I just gave up. It was so fucking irrational." He rubbed his eyes, apparently deciding that not only his past decisions had been irrational, but also this admission.

"Maks." Aleks smiled indulgently, dismissing for now that Maks had practically called him a revelation. It was too exposing, too profound. Too dangerous, even though he considered Maks a revelation as well. "People realise after decades that they fucked up at some point and found themselves somewhere they're not supposed to be. You're twenty five. You can keep changing your mind as long as you want."

"I won't," Maks objected promptly. "I'm gonna get it right this time."

Aleks tilted his head, having a strong desire to barge into his head to see what was happening over there. "Are you gonna quit?" He put two and two together quickly. "Try going back to school?"

Maks shrugged. "Not yet, I don't think. When... if I get in and it turns out I can't combine it. Then I guess."

"The admissions are closed," Aleks remarked hesitantly. "A friend of mine is trying to get into the academy—"

"I signed up in the middle of May," Maks revealed sheepishly. Admitting to Aleks that he was still hanging on to a silly childhood dream wasn't as hard as to he'd thought. He would never tell Ewelina that. He could only imagine her condescending expression.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Aleks asked, looking slightly disgruntled.

Maks shrugged weakly. "I wasn't sure if I was going to take the entrance exam," he muttered.

Aleks looked mildly scandalised. "You signed up into the program and were going to bail on an exam?" he repeated to make sure he'd understood correctly before barking a laugh. "You're something else, Maks. And why, pray tell, would you do something like that?" he asked with exaggerated curiosity.

Maks cringed. "I don't know, cause it's all so uncertain," he grunted stiffly. "I probably won't get in anyway, and if by some miracle I will, then it will take all of my time and I'll have to quit work and my dad will hate me and I'll have no money and..." he started to blabber incoherently before Aleks raised his hand to let him take a breath.

"Ok, hang on. One problem at a time."

Maks peered at him hopefully, as if he needed his affirmation to believe that it was even feasible.

"Why don't you think you'll get in?" Aleks asked simply.

Maks shrugged. "All those kids have been spending their whole lives to get there and I haven't performed in ages and what if I don't remember anymore how to—"

"But before that you've spent ages in theatres," Aleks pointed out.

"Yeah, but there will still be plenty people better than me and what if I end up in a background of some stupid tv show just to be able to pay the rent?"

"I think you're getting a little carried away," Aleks commented dryly. "It's your place, you don't even have to pay the landlord, just utilities. And it's not like the last five years are going to get erased. You still have your degree in economics, you speak a second language fluently, there are so many things you could do with it that wouldn't feel like torture. If anything, if you get into the acting program that will mean you rock at literally everything you do," he said with certainty.

"Come on," Maks scoffed humbly.

Aleks let out a suffering sigh. "Maks, you've graduated from an extremely prestigious collage practically involuntarily while being completely lukewarm about it. I'm kind of scared what's going to happen when you put your heart into something," he concluded emphatically.

Maks stared at him without blinking, astonished, because this was the biggest endorsement he'd ever received. He cleared his throat awkwardly and Aleks' face softened.

"And Jesus, don't worry about the money," he added gently. "I've got some money now, we're gonna be fine—"

"Yeah, I know where it came from," Maks pointed out quietly, then scowled.

Aleks' eyebrows furrowed. "Does it matter? It's there anyway. Would you rather not use it out of principle?"

Maks' silence was very telling.

"Seriously? If that's so, it means you've never been in a situation where you'd have nothing," Aleks scoffed.

"Excuse me?" Maks sputtered, straightening up.

Aleks shrugged. "It's kind of true. Don't look at me like that, it's neither your fault nor your credit, it's just a fact. You've always had everything handed to you on a silver platter, don't be surprised that those who hadn't are willing to do anything to—"

"You think that just because my parents had money that everything was perfect? It wasn't, that's how I know that it doesn't make up for—"

"Of course it doesn't," Aleks admitted calmly. "I'm jut saying that it makes things easier. If you've got money right from the start and you're smart on top of that, it's like you've won a lottery. You can do anything."

"If we look at the big picture we've both won the lottery," Maks commented soberly. "We still have it easier than most of the world population just because we've been born white men in a relatively developed country."

"We're gay," Aleks pointed out wryly.

Maks rolled his eyes. "One minority, and it doesn't even affect us all that much. And even if it does, we still have opportunities from the get-go, like to get the fuck out of here and go somewhere where it doesn't. Don't you feel like you've won the lottery?" he asked with genuine curiosity.

Aleks couldn't believe how clueless he was. How differently they'd learned to perceive the world, even while growing up in the same city. Maks' privilege was the most common one, he was so used to his circumstances it made him blind to it. Sure, he could probably fuck off to Canada anytime he wanted. Aleks on the other hand had to move mountains and bend over backwards just to get out of fucking Praga. Maks wasn't being ignorant and inconsiderate on purpose, he just didn't know any better.

Aleks didn't feel like educating the upper class that the society was not nearly as equal and just as they liked to believe. "Course I've won the lottery," he said sweetly instead. "I've met you, haven't I?" He grinned, letting him live in his bubble a little longer.

Maks looked like he indented to keep arguing, but froze mid-word. What was he supposed to say to this? It was a low blow. "Convenient," he remarked, narrowing his eyes, but he backed down, unable to keep his smile in check. He laid back on the bed and soon Aleks followed him, propping his chin on his chest.

"Just think about it, we've got this place and all my dirty money in the pot. We're golden," he summed up with a smirk, suddenly realising that... he'd won. Maks was here, with him, making plans for the future. Ewelina was a thing of the past. He'd won.

Maks eyes shone with mirth. "What, you're moving in?" he asked innocently.

Aleks blinked. He hadn't thought this through all that much. "Well, I would say absolutely not, because I would hate to impose on you," he paused hesitatingly. "If I had anywhere else to go," he finished unapologetically.

Maks barked a laugh. "You've imposed on me the moment you practically fell under my car."

"Excuse me?" Aleks protested incredulously. "I was just hanging out on the side of the road, minding my own business, you were the one who stuck his nose where it didn't belong," he scoffed haughtily.

Maks blinked at the sudden realisation. "What if I didn't pull over?" he asked quietly.

Aleks was silent for a long moment, contemplating this. "Yeah," he acknowledged distractedly. "I don't think we would have met under any other circumstances."

"No," Maks agreed readily, staring at the ceiling. It was mind-boggling how much that one little thing was now influencing the direction his life was taking. He could have just as well left his parents' house half an hour earlier or three minutes later. Aleks wouldn't have been there yet when he would've been passing by, or would've already been gone and Maks would've driven home, unaware that he'd just missed his shot at finding the love of his life. How many alternate dimensions existed where they'd never gotten to meet? "I'm glad you fell under my car," he mused distractedly, chilled by the mere thought, feeling his heartbeat jumping up irrationally, even though there was no danger of history changing its course anymore.

"I did not," Aleks protested idly. "But I'm glad you pulled over," he added earnestly.

"Why did I do that?" Maks asked himself, frowning. "It's so out of character. Do you think something told me to pull over?"

Aleks rolled his eyes. "No, Maks, you're just painfully naive and you have no self-preservation instinct."

Maks cracked up, pulled him in with one arm and dropped a kiss to the top of his head. He would rather think that something told him to pull over.