Interlude - 10. Chapter 10

I lay there looking up at the ceiling, thinking. My head felt cloudy, foggy; my thoughts seemed disjointed. I wasn’t all that sure I was actually awake. But that was how things felt sometimes, almost like a dream…surreal. I closed my eyes and felt memories rush in and out of my head—veiled, shadowed in mist one moment, and the next so real I could smell his hair, taste his skin. But were they memories? Or were they dreams? Or fantasies? If they were dreams, they lingered long after I was awake. If they were fantasies, then they consumed my mind—and my body. And if they were memories, then… then there were just no words.

But last night had been so perfect, so very perfect…almost too perfect to have been real. And I questioned whether it had been real. I was starting to doubt my perception of reality, doubt my ability to discern the difference between reality and delusion. But then, weren’t they both subjective? I forced myself to get out of bed. It was hard.

I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair as I looked in the mirror. I looked like hell. But then, I hadn’t slept much recently. And the lack of sleep had darkened my eyes, taken some of the color out of them. Normally they were green. Not the green of an emerald. Not a cliched green. They were a dark green almost going to blue, but not quite. But right now they were shadowed, the green seeming to have bled away leaving nothing left but a murky ocean blue. But it went rather well with the red that streaked through the white of my eyes. A wonderful color combination: bloodshot red and murky blue. Yeah, I looked like hell.

I grabbed a cup of cappuccino and sat down at the computer. I stared at the screen for a couple of minutes before opening Word and looking through my saved files. My fingers trembled on the mouse as I searched for the one I wanted. I was afraid I wouldn’t find it. I was afraid that it hadn’t been real, that the whole conversation had been part of a dream, a dream that had seemed more real than reality. Like the one I had just woken up from. At least, I thought that had been a dream—I was starting to question that also. It could just as well have been a fantasy, could just as well have been a memory. Or it could have been a dream of a memory. I shook my head. I really needed to get more sleep.

But the point was that that dream had felt real, too, every bit as real as it felt sitting here at the computer right now. Which made me really question whether what I thought I was remembering from last night had actually occurred. Maybe I was losing my hold on my perceived reality. Maybe the worlds inside my head were blending with the world around me. I shivered and tried to wrap my arms around myself, tried to hold myself, warm myself against the cold that crept through me. What if I couldn’t tell the difference? And how would I even know if I could?

But despite my doubts, my eyes still scanned the file lists. I wanted to believe it had been real, wanted that more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. But I was half convinced I wouldn’t find it, and that made me feel…empty, like I had lost something impossible to replace.

My heart leapt in my chest. There it was! My pulse raced as I clicked the file open. My heart skipped a beat—or two—as I read through the early part of the conversation. I smiled. I grinned. It was quite the conversation! I had melted to goo and was oozing all over, a bit like the Blob. I laughed. It was a completely absurd conversation, but my stomach fluttered a little—just as it had when I had been “goo”—at the undertones.

I stopped laughing. I stopped laughing because the words of the conversation had changed—suddenly, it seemed. Suddenly they had lost their lightness, had lost their laughter. And I read the words that I was afraid I hadn’t remembered correctly, the words I was afraid had just been part of my dream…

dylan@hotmail.com says:
my fingers find your lips again as i stroke them softly feeling the smooth soft skin, i move my mouth closer to yours stopping to look in your eyes letting myself drown in them and all the emotions there before pressing my mouth against yours tenderly

Have no clue says:
I have lost all sensation but your touch, can see nothing but your eyes--which seem to have suddenly become twin whirlpools, spinning me slowing but inexorably into their depths, surrounding me until I have no hope of--or desire to escape.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
my eyes linger on yours even as i feel the kiss change, the tenderness softly slips into warmth as our tongues caress, my eyes finally slip shut as a moan leaves my throat, the kiss now slips into passion as the fire creeps through my veins setting me alight with a need for you, my hand pulls you closer to me, but i know you will never be close enough, for my body craves yours to be close to mine and never parted

Have no clue says:
Our tongues tell what our bodies want, as the slide together, slow sensuality turning to feverish hunger as our bodies press together. I can feel your heart beating against mine, feel the pulse in your veins becoming indistinguishable from mine, my senses so tangling in you that I cannot feel where I end and you begin. I want nothing more than to become part of you, for you to become part of me.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
i give in to you letting you surround me, my senses are drowned in you, all i know is you, your smell, taste touch and how you feel, our pulse throbs through us in time, together always together, my hands become lost in touching your smooth soft skin, as i undress you the best i can, stroking your back as our bodies push against each other our mouths continuing to increase our desire, i feel pleasure shoot through me, but i'm no longer sure if it is yours or my pleasure then i realise its ours, us, one

Have no clue says:
I am vaguely aware of my fingers trembling as they slip beneath your clothes. I lose the sense of them, but realize from a distance that your skin now touches mine, your heat warms my blood. My breath flows into you as yours flows into mine and my body trembles with that sense of connection, sending tingling tendrils of pleasure through every pore, every nerve.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
i feel myself lose control as you surround all my senses, my mind is in a haze all i can think is you, i run my hand down your back pushing you closer to me as my hand find your ass, pushing you nearer to me as i try to get nearer to you, our breathing is shallow as we kiss deeply lost in each other, my hand moves between us as i stroke the outline of your erection strokes that match the movement of our tongues, i hear moans but i'm no longer sure if they belong to you or me,

Have no clue says:
Your moans caress my very soul as your hands caress my body. My head swims as I lose myself deeper and deeper within you. My hand finds yours, my fingers brushing yours, entwining in yours before finding the heat of your erection. I stroke you in the same rhythm that you stroke me, my hips finding the same rhythm as I move into your hand.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
your skin makes me burn inside with passion, though i find it difficult to establish what is your skin or mine, your hands on me bring a groan from deep within and i know it came from me, for a moment my mind slightly clears as i break the kiss looking into your eyes, filled with passion that mirrors my own, i stroke your face softly before removing the rest of our clothing, i need to feel all of you against me,, and as i sink back into your arms, my skin meets yours i feel my self begin to drown in you again, as our bodies melt to become one bringing the pleasure that runs through our bodies.

Have no clue says:
As your eyes meet mine I reach up to touch your cheek with one finger--that I notice is trembling. I trace the line of your cheek, my eyes never leaving yours. I part my lips slightly, wanting to speak to you, wanting my words to say what my eyes cannot possibly be hiding--but my breath is swept away by the overwhelming intensity of the feelings your touch triggers. My body touches yours, but I can feel no point of contact, cannot feel any separation.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
I run my hands along your skin loving the feel of you, as you get closer, no barriers between our bodies, i feel all of you around me, breaking the kiss once more my eyes search yours, still one barrier remains that i placed there, i feel your body touching mine i feel my hands on your skin, our cocks are rubbing against each other, but its your eyes that make breathing hard, they are like the color of sea water before the storm, emotions blazing in them, i kiss your swollen lips breaking the eye contact, not sure what i see there, i feel myself drown in you again,

Have no clue says:
My fingers follow the perfect curve of your cheek upwards, to brush lightly around the outside of your eye, tracing the edge of your brow, as if trying to touch what is behind your beautiful eyes. My eyes offer you my soul as they look into yours--as my body offers you everything of me that is physical. Nothing is held back, all is offered without reservation. As your lips touch mine, I feel part of you retreat and I let it go, caressing it gently as it finds its own safety. I pull you close to me, my arms not offering you a prison, but a retreat. And I sigh against your lips as I hope beyond reason that you understand.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
i feel you pull me closer, no longer the physical side, it was never just that, i feel you pull my soul closer to yours, i would run pull back, but you have managed to consume me and i don't think i will ever escape that, i slow us down the kiss becoming tender my strokes gentle till i'm once again looking in your stormy eyes, i see the emotions there as you look back, my heart pounding harder than it had all night i let every emotion inside rise to my eyes as i stare into yours, and i smile as i see your eyes mirror my own, my hand gently brushes your cheek there is so much to say but my throat closes all i manage is to whisper so beautiful, whilst looking into your eyes, i finally find my soul.

Have no clue says:
I hear your words and they echo the thoughts that I have as I look at you. I see your eyes fill with emotion, emotions no longer safely hiding and I reach out to embrace them, to take them gently into my heart where they will always find a safe refuge. I brush my lips lightly over yours, not wanting the heat of passion, but wanting the tenderness of emotion. My body still aches for you, but my soul finds satisfaction as it entwines with yours. I feel the sweet memories of times long previous flow from your soul to mine and see that they are shared memories, as though our souls were once joined, were once one. And I feel that sense of connection that goes beyond any physical expression, beyond any words that can be spoken. And I surrender myself to it completely.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
I lay in your arms, tenderly pressing my lips against yours ad i let go, to the feeling surrounding us, i feel the connection of our souls as they rejoice being reunited once again, everything makes perfect sense as my body touches yours and i know why you consume my senses and why i drown in them, you make me whole, with that knowledge i surrender everything to the feeling that is strange yet natural, connecting at last.

Have no clue says:
I run my fingers through your hair, letting the silken strands--so sinfully soft--slip through my fingers, feeling for a moment as if I had lived this moment before. I am so completely connected to you that I feel a vague fear breeze through my mind, and my arms hold you tighter as I acknowledge that fear, see its face as it mocks the very ecstasy that rushes through my soul. It is the fear of losing that taints the joy of finding. And I feel a shiver run through my body, feel cold fingers brush my skin as doubts tease me. Can something lost than found be lost again?

dylan@hotmail.com says:
I feel the fear as it rushes through and feel you pull me near, i hold you close, it can be lost again, too many things in life interfere for me to make false promises of it forever being found and never lost, so i can make no such promise, but i can tell you what i know, to live in fear of losing what you have found will forever be your jester, it will taunt you to madness till you can no longer stand to wait for that day when you lose what you have found, so you will push and cause the loss yourself, but a soul is a free spirit meant to live forever after this body gives passage to death, and if my soul has found you again after being lost i have no doubt it will find you in future lives we are to lead, and each time our souls find one another it will be a bittersweet reunion knowing that it can always be lost, but will always be found again.

Have no clue says:
I hear your words and feel the truth of them driving away doubt. I close my eyes tightly, not wanting to let the stinging at the back of my eyes find its way to the surface. My hold on you loosens slightly, but not to push you away, not to accept the loss of you--but to let you know, once more, that my arms will never be a prison--neither for your body, nor your soul. What is found may surely be lost again. But as you say, it will always be found again. Each half of a whole must always retain instinctive knowledge of the other. Even when separated they will always remain connected.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
i feel you pull away and doubt clouds my mind, an immediate response, expecting rejection comes easily to me, rather than rationalising, but your words stop me pulling back and shutting out the other half of me, you, even as my head is trying to pull away my soul is reaching out to touch you, and realisation results in my arms wrapped around you this time, if your arms were ever akin to a prison then i would gladly be a prisoner forever, for you have already captured all of me and i cannot be free of you if i wished it so, as you say we are connected forever to meet despite our paths, to walk alone until our souls can meet and become whole.

Have no clue says:
I bring my hand up to brush through your hair and press my face into those soft strand--their coolness easing the heat if my skin. I breathe in deeply, letting the scent of you fill me, letting it gently force all sense of everything that is not you from my being. I have no more words--they have all been said. What remains is beyond words, but I know it is perfectly understood. I slowly let my breath release, and I unclench my eyes, letting all that is behind them release also. Nothing of mine will ever be withheld from you--not even my tears.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
i see the tears stain your beautiful face and my hand reaches out to touch them, make them leave, i can remember the last time i cried i was taught to never cry again, and i haven't, but as i see your tears fall down my hand unable to stop them falling, i feel the cold on my cheek, it falls down my face and i remember the last time but your here now an i am safe, i bring you closer burying my head in your shoulder to let the tears fall, tears that have not fallen for many years

Have no clue says:
I brush a tear from the corner of your eye and raise my finger to my lips. I touch your tear with my tongue, tasting the sweetness only slightly touched by salt. I go back to holding you close, one hand rubbing your back gently, the other playing lightly with your hair. The taste of your tear lingers in my senses and I kiss your hair softly, adding the taste of my own tears that linger amid the strands. I sense beyond doubt the depth of the gift of your tears. And I whisper the only words that my head can form, the only words that my heart can feel, and I whisper them so softly against your hair that they are soundless to my ear. And part of me fears that you won't hear them, and part of me fears that you might. Yet still I cannot stop them as they form, cannot stop the breath that drives them from my heart. And they fall upon your hair with no expectations, no requirements, no conditions. I love you...

dylan@hotmail.com says:
I hear the words of comfort through a haze but look into your eyes as i here those words, confusion in my eyes and questions on my lips,

dylan@hotmail.com says:
but i cannot stop myself from saying the words i have felt for so long i love you Aaron

Tears ran down my face unchecked. I read the words again and again, half afraid I had misread them, each time half afraid they would change the next time I read them. I touched the screen, touched the words. I printed the conversation and touched the words again, ran my fingers carefully over each one. I wanted to feel them against my skin. I wanted to assure myself they were real.

Yet, what was real?

Hewas real. I could feel that through my soul. I smiled. I found myself doing that a lot lately, since he had first come online—smiling. I smiled whenever I thought of him—which was pretty much always. I smiled whenever I sat at the computer talking to him—which was also pretty much always. But it never seemed like it was long enough. Five hours seemed like five minutes. I had never known anyone in my life I could talk to for that long.

But then, I had never known anyone in my life I could talk to in that way either. Sometimes it felt like I was talking to myself. He spoke my words. That was what rushed through my head the very first time we talked. But so many things had rushed through my head.

I had wanted to put it all into a poem. That was what he made me feel. He made me feel poetry. No, he WAS poetry. He was everything beautiful and wonderful in the world. He was the smell of a garden after a spring rain, he was the sound of waves rippling on the warm sands of an ocean beach, he was the perfect glow of an autumn sunset, he was he was fresh taste of the first snowflakes of winter. And he was such a part of me. He was the blood in my veins, the breath in my lungs, the hope in my heart. I couldn’t imagine how I had even existed before him. But then, I hadn’t. I knew this in my heart. I had never lived one single moment without him. We were part of the same soul, two halves of one whole. And we had always been so.

And he knew that, too. I read it in his words:

…and if my soul has found you again after being lost i have no doubt it will find you in future lives we are to lead, and each time our souls find one another it will be a bittersweet reunion knowing that it can always be lost, but will always be found again.

…we are connected forever to meet despite our paths, to walk alone until our souls can meet and become whole

And he was real.

dylan@hotmail.com says:
but i cannot stop myself from saying the words i have felt for so long i love you Aaron

And he loved me.

And I wanted more than anything to put everything he meant to me a poem, but the emotions were just too big and the things I had to say, the things I felt just wouldn’t form a poem. I tried. I typed everything he meant to me, typed the words, typed the feelings. I rearranged them endlessly. And they managed to form…something. But it was little more than a jumble of thoughts. I sighed. The feelings had rushed from my head. The words had rushed from my fingers. But I had not been able to get them to form a poem. I sighed and read the best I had been able to do:

How do I tell you what you mean to me?

How can I even try to make sense
when everything I say sounds so unbelievable?
If I say I have loved you all my life,
would that sound incredible?
If I say I have loved you before this life,
would that seem impossible?
If I say I used to feel you around me,
used to feel your hand on my arm,
your breath in my ear,
would you think I was delusional?
If I said I heard your voice and it spoke my words,
what would you think?
Would you think me mad?
Yet these impossible things are true
And if I say I have looked for you
from the moment I first heard you speak my words,
from the moment I first felt your presence,
would you understand?
And if I say I thought I’d never find you,
that I had given up hope,
that I had buried the beliefs of my boyhood
under a cover of cynicism,
would you forgive me?
Would you forgive my doubt?
Would you forgive me for not having the faith
to believe I would ever find you?
How can I ever tell you what you mean to me,
when I can barely grasp the magnitude myself?

I grimaced with frustration. They weren’t good enough. They were what I felt, but the form was wrong, the structure wrong. There was no rhythm, no flow. They had not formed a poem—no matter how kindly I looked at the words, they were not poetry. And I would never show him those words. I would never show him words that were not good enough.

**

Aaron's property LMAO says:
*whimpers* i have to go in 10 minutes hate reality

Have no clue says:
*sighs* Yes, reality. I need to go also. Work tomorrow. But you know, don't think either of us really go anywhere. Think we are still together even when we aren't looking at each other's words. Yeah… that sounded completely odd.

Aaron's property LMAO says:
no i got that *smiles* before you go i have a poem to show you that i wasn't planning on showing anyone lol

Have no clue says:
I would love to see it.

Aaron's property LMAO says:
how do you tell him what he means to you,
when you know that he wont feel the same,
how do you entrust all your secrets with him,
when you know you have nothing to gain,
how do you let him in close enough,
when he could cause you so much pain,
how do you accept that he will not be yours,
when your heart always knows his name
how do you push him away from you,
when you hang on each word that he says,
how do you pretend to love someone else,
when you don't love him this same way,
how do you love him with all your heart,
when you know he would just walk away.
how can you say that the feelings are none,
when his touch sings to your entire soul,
how do you pretend he is just a friend,
when without him your not really whole.

Have no clue says:
When did you write that?

Aaron's property LMAO says:
last weekend

Have no clue says:
Notice how slow I am to respond here. That is because I am completely... don't even know what I am completely. Overwhelmed? Blown away? Mouth hanging open amazed? yeah.. those things. But mostly I just am reaching for the scrap of tissue I have left--it is already wet and nasty, you know. Now you have to go and make me use it again. God! I don't know if I have told you today that I love you

Have no clue says:
Hard to tell where today begins with these damned time zones. But I love you. Totally.

Aaron's property LMAO says:
*smiles* i will take that as you like it? and i love you too i realised it after i wrote this hadn't admitted it till then

Have no clue says:
Yeah, you can take that as I like it. Could have written many of those lines myself. Had them in my head. Wasn't quite up to committing them to the "written word" though. Started to, actually... started pouring my feelings into a poem... trashed it though. Was one of those "you are so fucking pathetic why don't you just drown yourself" moments.

Aaron's property LMAO says:
lol you can see why i wasn't showing anyone this one lol would say too much, and i still can't post it, like i say i write as i feel them, and this was what happened came close to deleting it but didn't, made me face the fact that i love you

Have no clue says:
I'm glad you didn't delete it. I'm keeping it, you know. Not losing a word of it. I can see why you might not have wanted to post it. It does reveal much. I would have read it, my heart would have jumped from my chest-then I would have laughed at myself for thinking you meant me and wondered who you did mean and would have hated that person so intensely. Glad you wrote it. Glad you faced it

Aaron's property LMAO says:
yeah me too glad you like it *smiles and kisses you* i really have to go

Have no clue says:
*kisses you quickly and smiles* Go... I will miss you. Now run along! *pats your head and grins* Love you

Aaron's property LMAO says:
*grins* will miss you too, love you *blows you a kiss on his way out the door*

I sighed deeply. The time zone difference was a killer. He was five hours ahead of me. It was 1 am here, 6 am there. His day was just beginning and mine should have ended an hour ago. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he was such an insomniac. Well, it was a good thing probably because if he hadn’t been, if he had slept at “normal” times, we wouldn’t have had so much time together.

I read his poem again and I felt everything all over again. He had written those words last weekend—while we had both been running from each other. I shook my head, amazed at how very alike we were in our insecurities. We had both made such an effort to convince ourselves that we didn’t feel what we felt. We were both afraid to admit that to ourselves, to open ourselves up for hurt--because we were both so certain the other couldn’t possibly feel what we were trying to convince ourselves we didn’t feel. I laughed. We were both so fucked up it wasn’t funny.

But he loved me and I loved him. And I wanted so badly to tell him that. Oh, I told him that in our conversations. I showed him in the gestures that accompanied my words. But I wanted to tell him in words that reflected the poetry that surrounded my heart and soul whenever I thought of him.

I opened the file that held the would-be poem I had tried to write. I looked at the words I that fumbled across the screen. The form was just wrong, the structure wrong. There was no rhythm, no flow. They had not formed a poem and no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it wouldn’t matter, that he would not care about the structure of my words, that he loved all my words—it was still not a poem. And I wouldn’t show it to him. I closed that window.

I smiled. He did love all my words. He had told me that. And I loved all of his. I sat there for a while and reread our words to each other. Our words were what connected us. They let us touch without touching… My fingers trembled as I thought those words. “They touch without touching.” Words… And I could hear them forming in my head even before my fingers touched the keyboard. And they fell from my fingers as quickly as they rushed through my head.

words

your words are all I have of you
they touch me without touching
they caress my skin
like the subtle brush of ghostly fingers
they kiss my lips
as softly as the delicate flutter of a butterfly’s wings
they wrap their warmth around me
and hold me as closely as the strongest arms

my words are all I can give to you
they touch you without touching
they trace the soft line of your cheek
like tendrils of smoke tease the clouds
they slip slowly through your hair
like a breeze blows through the curtains of an open window
they breathe upon your face and dry your tears
as a summer breeze dries the rain

our words are all we need of each other
they hold us without holding
they brush against each other,
as tender and intimate as whispers upon a pillow
they slide sensually across the page
like lovers on satin sheets
they tangle together, lost souls now found,
locked for eternity in an armless embrace

I looked at the clock. It was after 3, going on 4 and I had to go to work in the morning, had to be up at 7. But the words were out of my head. Words that said what he was to me, what he meant to me. Words that belonged to him. These I would show him.

**

To: Dylan
Subject: While I was SUPPOSED to be sleeping
Sent: 10/3/03 3:58 a.m.

Yeah, I know...It's 3:40 am and I need to get up in about 3 hours. Shit...
I am too stupid to live sometimes. But... Had words in my head that had to
get out. No point in trying for sleep with words racing through your head.
Complete waste of time.

I posted them... without comment. Who knows if anyone will understand the
meaning behind them. And if they do, no telling whether they will identify
the person they are meant for. I have no plans to answer if anyone asks.
None of their business. But they are for you.

**

To: Aaron
From: Dylan
Subject: Re: While I was SUPPOSED to be sleeping
Received: 10/3/03 10:50 a.m.

*Frowns slightly, stroking your face with my fingers* you need to rest, i understand that just hope you manage to get some rest later *kisses you softly* yes you are kinda dumb at times, what i love most about you, but never too stupid to live,

I read them and i'm lost for words, its beautiful Aaron, not surprised that those words could come from you as you write so well, but surprised how i thought my heart would stop beating when i read it. *shakes head face in utter awe* not sure why you love me but i'm not going to question that, just thankful your completely mad enough to fall for me.

**
Words…

our words are all we need of each other
they hold us without holding
they brush against each other,
as tender and intimate as whispers upon a pillow
they slide sensually across the page,
like lovers on satin sheets
they tangle together, lost souls now found,
locked for eternity in an armless embrace

And he was real.

And he loved me.