Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (3) - 3. Entry 3

Sunday

So I go from the heights of happiness yesterday to the depths of weirdness today. I swear my life has become a roller coaster ride with my emotions lately.

There’s something I’ve…never written down or shared with anyone before. There was a time, a few months back, when I nearly Outted myself to someone other than Chandler.

Yeah, I don’t know why I never wrote this down before. Maybe, I was trying to forget that I nearly did it. Maybe, I didn’t want any evidence of it left even in this journal of mine. I don’t know. I just didn’t want to put it in here. Maybe, I felt that I didn’t want to betray his trust at the time.

In any case, there was a time, a few months ago, when Bobby Jinette and I were getting close. I thought it was just friendship, but I think Bobby wanted more. Actually, I knew he wanted more because he actually came Out to me!

I’ve never told anyone this. I’ve kept it a secret even to myself…

Why would I put it in now?

Because, something in me wants to come Out to everyone! I love Billy so much and I don’t want to have to keep playing charades anymore just because I love who I love! Yesterday, just pushed that button in me for some reason. We made love in a way I never thought possible. It wasn’t sex, it was love! We didn’t even take our clothes off, but we kissed and felt one another in such beautiful ways.

I don’t want to have to keep that thing a secret anymore.

I’m tired of being ashamed. I’m tired of feeling ‘wrong’. I’m tired of being afraid!

I want the world to know how much Billy means to me! The Jasons and Karls of the world be damned! I know the struggles Stevie has gone through. I know that Bobby’s gone through his share of troubles too. But, I can’t let other people determine who I am, how I live my life, and especially who I love anymore.

Not even my Dad!

So, maybe its time for me to start the process of coming Out. Maybe, I should call Bobby and tell him who I am. He’s friends with Billy, though, so by association he’d be Outted too if I told Bobby who I am. I should talk to Billy first and see how he feels. Relationships are funny like that. If you love someone, you can’t just do things for yourself. You’ve got others to consider.

I don’t have the answers yet. But, I’ll figure something out. I should consult with Chandler too and see what he thinks. He’d probably be all for it! His own experience with being Gay had him being Out during his High School years. He fought for his right to be who he was, certainly, but he had the courage to do it.

Do I have that courage? Can I be as courageous as Chandler and Bobby?

I don’t know yet.

Because, there’s another part of me, a dark part, that wishes this thing with Billy could go away so I wouldn’t have to struggle with this anymore. From the beginning, I’ve been very uncomfortable with being Gay. Chandler helped me a lot, but still I have these doubts sometimes.

Doubts that sometimes make me wonder if I’ve made a terrible mistake. That I shouldn’t have let myself go this far into falling in love with another boy. In the beginning, I wanted these Gay feelings to go away or I hoped that I’d just ‘grow out’ of them someday. But, as I got to know Billy better, I couldn’t help but fall deeper into love than that first day I saw him at the mall.

To know Billy is to love him! His beauty is more than skin deep. His soul is beautiful.

What’s more…I think he is my One and Only! I think he’s my soul mate. He…completes me. So, why can’t that build my courage up to, just, freely love him?

I thought things would get easier once I confessed my love for Billy, but, if anything, things are harder!

This whole fear over others finding out because of what Stevie is going through isn’t the whole of it. That’s been an excuse. I’ve got a lot of unpacking to do if I’m ever going to get over myself long enough to freely give myself to Billy without any reservations.

Chandler would say I’m over-thinking everything again.

But, am I?

I don’t know.

This is Brandon trying to find his courage.

Monday

…and that wouldn’t be today.

Today, I tried to continue my little game of ‘keep-away’ with Billy at school. I wasn’t entirely successful.

He, basically, ambushed me at the bike rack this morning. The school only has one bike rack and I have to bike to school and I’m a stupid creature of habit so I always arrive about the same time every day, so it would figure he’d find me pretty easily.

He was so beautiful this morning! His hair was perfect. His outfit was cute with a button down red shirt and those tight jeans he wears. His face just lit up when he saw me, but dropped as soon as I looked over at him. It must have been a look of misery because that was what I was feeling. The misery of feeling torn down the center by two conflicting emotions. First, I felt the butterflies of love start their fluttering in my stomach, but then at the same time I felt this churning in my guts from anxiety. Those doubts I wrote about last night wouldn’t stop screaming in my head! They’d kept me up most of the night and I didn’t get much sleep. I just tossed and turned. That might have been a part of my problem today: no sleep. But, it wasn’t the only problem. ‘I’ was the biggest problem and I could tell Billy was getting upset by it.

We walked into the school together, me trying to keep a ‘respectable’ distance from the one I wanted to grab up and kiss right in front of everybody. But, I knew I couldn’t do that. Not yet, anyway.

Billy mentioned something about lunch and I let my lack of self-confidence in my own strength take the wheel. I said something about needing to study for a calculus test or something just so I could get out of lunch and not be challenged by my feelings for Billy today.

I guess I was just tired. I certainly didn’t have the energy to have any courage at all. So, I totally chickened out so I didn’t have to deal with any of it today.

Hopefully, I’ll do better tomorrow. I hate this. I should be over the moon with joy, but instead, I’m more conflicted than ever.

This is Brandon conflicted.