Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (3) - 1. Entry 1

Thursday

“Soooo….What’s her name? Hmm?” My Dad asked me at the dinner table last night grinning from ear to ear. At first, I was confused and then I realized he must have known something was up with me!

I suppose, I can’t blame him. Billy’s kiss had me acting like a total space cadet all last evening! I must have been smiling like a maniac! But…I couldn’t help it, could I? He kissed me with those soft succulent lips! I can still feel him there! Right there on my lips! Warm, velvety, and a little shivery. Shivery because he really does love me that much! He loves me so much he shivers! He must have been shivering because I was! I haven’t stopped shivering yet!

I have had this sweet ache inside me swelling up my heart ever since leaving his house. It’s a feeling like a pain inside that will only go away when I’m with him. But, it hurts so good! It is this deep longing knowing that the one you love loves you too and he is connected to you even when you aren’t with him physically!

I couldn’t really answer my Dad. How could I do that without Outing myself to him? That would be the worst possible thing I could do to myself, my Dad, and especially Billy? I didn’t want to lie to him either so I just asked him, “What are you talking about?”

“I know that look! I’ve seen it in the mirror. First, when I met your mother and second…when I knew she was pregnant with you! You’re in love, Tigerpaw! I know what that looks like. Well, whoever she is, I’m so happy for you two! Just…remember to be careful. Ok? I’ll bide my time and when you feel the time is right, I’ll be very glad to meet her,” he said and mussed my hair as he left the table. I knew then that I had to be careful with how I look and sound. No matter how much this bubbly feeling in me takes over, I have to push it down or I risk Billy and me getting discovered!

So, as ecstatically happy as I am with Billy, there’s this other part of me that needs to take my Dad’s advice, just not for the reasons he has. I do have to be careful not to show off how much in love I am with Billy. This is going to be especially true at school. We can’t afford to have people talking too much about how ‘close’ we are. I don’t want Billy to end up like Stevie or worse! That fear does take away some of my joy over Billy.

That was why I had to act so distant with him today. I felt like if I lost control of myself, I wouldn’t be able to stop mooning over Billy all day and doing crazy things that would totally Out us in front of everyone! It was so hard to do, though!

I saw him three whole times today and each time I just wanted to grab him and kiss him so hard! I crave those lips of his like a starving man craves a steak! I wanted nothing more than to hold him close and never let him go and tell the whole school that ‘this is MY Billy! We love each other so fuck off already!’ But, I couldn’t. Not and keep us safe. I really would lose it if we let on how we really feel for each other and then Billy would get targeted as a ‘fag’ and beaten up. I think I’d murder anyone that tried to hurt my Billy!

So at the bike rack this morning, where he waited for me, I saw the blush on Billy’s chipmunk cheeks, that soul melting smile of his, and those bright sparkling eyes and I knew I had to tone things down for the both of us. It was hard to do. So hard! But, I managed to contain myself so we could look just like two friends walking together instead of what we really are…two lovers!

I carried on with the charade at lunch, even though Billy had taken us out to our usual private place on the lawn to be together. Once I put that mask on, I couldn’t take it off even for a little bit. I knew the temptation to tackle Billy and get my full dose of him would be too much and I’d not be able to get that mask back on after that. So, I stayed aloof through lunch too.

After school, the mask slipped just a bit. I couldn’t help myself! Billy wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding his feelings for me at all and his courage, I guess, let me let my guard down a little. He was staring into my eyes and I was looking down into the Coca-Cola depths of his own eyes and I felt my heart swell with so much feeling! I was with him and my longing ache had turned into this fizzy feeling like a thousand Pop-Rocks bursting inside! Inside, I was like the Fourth Of July with every firework in creation going off all at once! I couldn’t help but smile and let just a little of that love out before I exploded!

He reached up and touched my shirt and started to lean in a bit too much. He was like magnetized to me and it took everything I had not to get pulled in and get that kiss I so desperately wanted! But, I couldn’t. Not and keep us safe. So, I backed up a bit, the infatuated grin impossible for me to get rid of off my face, and said, “Bye”.

I tell you, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life up until now. After saying ‘bye’ to Billy I instantly felt that sweet ache of longing fill in where the fireworks had been. I was separating myself from him again when all I wanted was to be with him ever second of every minute of every hour of every day. But, I had to go or we would have gotten into trouble. The feelings between us are just too strong for school!

How horribly frustrating it is not to be able to love who you want to love without the world getting in the way! What business is it of theirs who I want to be with? What right have people like Karl and Jason to feel that they can beat up people who they consider ‘queer’? Why do they get away with it? It’s not right to have to be afraid to love who you love! But, for Billy, I have to be concerned. I have to wear my mask. I have to pretend I don’t love him when we’re out together. It’s too dangerous for us otherwise.

But, that aside, now that I’m in my room by myself, I can be as sappy as I want to be!

Oh my God! I told Billy I love him and he loves me!

I’m still trying to make sense of that level of awesomeness!

It really is all my dreams come true!

I felt like calling him just to hear his voice. Something to send me off to dreamland where he and I can be safely together wherever we are no matter who’s there around us. But, I didn’t call. I figured it was too late and his Mom might not appreciate a ‘friend’ calling Billy at this time of night. I have to think of that too! I can’t do anything to Out Billy to his Mom either. We have to be as careful with her as we do with my Dad!

This is Brandon being careful.