Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (3) - 5. Entry 5

Wednesday

Today, the tug-of-war between my fears and my love for Billy was tested…greatly!

Getting to school, I waited all day through all my stupid classes for lunch to roll around so I could have lunch with Billy and be with him…fully…like I promised! The clock couldn’t have moved slower. What the teachers were saying couldn’t have meant less! All I wanted was time with my Billy! Time alone with him. Just Billy and me…so we could be in love with one another and not have to apologize for it.

But, when lunchtime rolled around and I walked into the lunchroom with my tray of slop, Billy was not alone! He was with SAM…of all people.

Billy looked up and his face brightened, but then that brightness faded as he saw me slow down in my tracks staring at Sam sitting there. I thought they weren’t talking to each other anymore. Why was Sam at Billy’s lunch table at all?

I was tempted to turn-tail and run for the hills. Sam was the last person I wanted there to see Billy and me together. All that stuff about not being able to hide my feelings for Billy is true! I’d have to be on my extra guard not to show too many ‘tells’, because Sam would pick up on them instantly! He knows Billy even better than I do! He’ll know something is up between us!

But, I had a promise to keep so, taking up my courage, I walked over and sat next to Billy, trying not to blush too much.

Sam was actually being ‘nice’ today so he asked (as if he didn’t already know): “Hey. What's up? You're Brandon, right?”

“Yeah. Hi.” I replied and then kept silent and kept my eyes on my sloppy spaghetti horror show I was having for ‘lunch’. I wouldn’t eat much if any of it I was so nervous. One false move and I’d Out Billy and me right there! Sam would know! He would definitely know!

Then…unbelievably…Bobby Jinette shows up at our table! He’s all smiles…um….especially for Billy! Now I’d have two dangerous guys to contend with! Sam who could ferret out that Billy and me are Gay and might be into one another and Bobby who I already KNOW to be Gay and, what is more, he knows I am too!

Suddenly, lunch had become some kind of psychological ground zero where a battle of wills was about to be fought between the four of us! I felt like trying to disappear into my horrible spaghetti. Maybe I could face plant myself into it and drown myself before this got any worse, I was thinking.

I wondered who was going to fire the first salvo in our little contest and I should have known it would be Sam! When he fired, though, he fired a full on NUKE! I swear I’ll never live this one down! Holy God, He must have been testing me big time today! Was I, indeed, in love with Billy enough to endure anything?

Sam shot his missile, “Hey, tell me something. Do you guys think Billy's gay?” I almost dissolved where I was sitting! Did SAM ACTUALLY JUST ASK THAT???

“For some reason, he thinks that he gives off some kinda of a gay vibe or something. What do you think?” I’m sure Sam was correcting his missile’s targeting so he could hit dead center into our little mine field!

Billy, who’s face can’t really hide much of anything, just looked just as shocked as possible! He sat frozen, like Sam had just shot him with a gun under the table!

I looked up to see what Bobby was doing and his face looked probably as tensed as mine did? I had to wonder why? Why would Bobby be having the same reaction to Sam’s question as I was having: namely, like we were being caught out in our biggest secret! What did Bobby know that I knew?

Had Billy come out to Bobby too? So, on top of my shock that Sam would ask such an idiotic question, I now had to be suspicious of what Bobby might know about Billy and possibly me too! We made quite the triangle of guilt, we three.

What and why would Bobby know about Billy being Gay? That question still haunts me even now as I write this! I have a feeling it will be haunting me for a long time!

I looked to Billy for some kind of sign of what to do while trying not to look as guilty as I felt.

Billy shook his head in answer and Bobby was the one to come for the saving throw, “Nah. Not Billy. He doesn't seem the type.”

Bobby is a quick one on his feet. He almost seems practiced with how well he could deflect ‘Gaydar’. Knowing what I know about him, that would make sense. He manages to skirt the dangers around here and still come out to people like me and I suspect Billy without the kind of consequences Stevie has. I had to admire Bobby for that.

Anyway, I backed Bobby up with, “Yeah...I...I don't see it either.” I stuttered it and looked too nervous, but I managed it. I just wish that I’d been the one to have the courage to defend Billy first! Bobby won this round.

“You see? I TOLD you...you've got nothing to worry about. This kid is so silly sometimes.” Sam said with supreme confidence. Something in that smugness made me want to belt Sam one in the chops! How could anyone ask such a stupid question?

What kind of ‘friend’ was Sam to Billy anyway? No one asks things like that to bring in other people Billy may or may not trust!

After that, we finished our lunches in relative silence. By finish, I mean push the food around on my plate until it was time for lunch to be over. Sam didn’t seem to get the tension he caused around the table.

That boy is a block-head! He’s got the sensitivity of a concrete slab!

As for Bobby, it was funny how he and I reacted almost the same exact way to what Sam was asking. We both froze up and looked to Billy for direction.

Like, me…did Billy tell Bobby who he was? Did Billy tell Bobby he was gay too?

Has Billy mentioned me and him to Bobby? Does Bobby know that we’re boyfriends now?

I think I should tell Billy about my past with Bobby. Maybe then I can see what he and Billy know about Billy and me.

I wonder how that conversation would go. I’ll find out tomorrow. Billy and I will have lunch in private and then we can talk about things. I’d like to have someone else know about the both of us. Bobby would be a good candidate. He understands! The more allies we have the safer Billy and me can be together!

This is Brandon wondering.