Worth A Shot - Prologue. Reflections Over Coffee Part II: Prologue

Ben likes to be touched, I pondered as I sat on our balcony sipping my coffee. He likes to be touched a lot actually. It doesn’t matter where we go – even places that aren’t exactly the safest for two guys to be touching – Ben still likes to be touched. He’ll lean on me, or take my hand, or snuggle under my arm. It doesn’t really matter to him as long as there’s that contact. At first I thought he was simply trying to seduce me – and quite often he is – but I’ve come to realize that it’s pretty much just the way he is. An unconscious thing.

Things are moving fast...but then again they always do with Ben. We got together in late March, by the end of May he was insisting that I move in with him. I know that objectively that seems like way too soon, but by then it would have just been...impractical not to. I was spending nearly every night at his place anyway.

Mick of course was supportive – as always. He said I should do whatever I felt was best and, after a couple of weeks of agonizing over it, I finally let him know my decision. When I did he simply gave me a kiss on the forehead – which has become something of a habit with him over the preceding couple of months – and then a big hug and told me to hang on to my key, and to use it anytime I wanted.

I’m sure most of you are wondering – hell in some ways I’m wondering – why I continued things with Ben when I could have just dragged Mick out of the closet. Well, it’s complicated. But even complicated questions occasionally have a simple answer, and in this case that answer is that...that I’m not in love with Mick. I love Mick more than anyone else I can think of...except I guess Ben…well maybe Ben...FUCK, probably not even Ben, but loving someone and being in love with them are two completely different things.

Ben I’m in love with. I look at him and I get that nervous, happy feeling. Whenever he’s not around I’m thinking about him, and whenever he is around I just can’t believe he’s mine! I can’t believe I’m so lucky, that out of all the guys he could have had – and that’s practically all the guys – he picked me. ME!

Anyway, I still get to see Mick pretty often. I admit it’s not like it used to be. I mean even though it’s only been a couple of weeks since I moved out, and only about a week since school let out for the summer, I just feel like a big piece of me is missing. Kinda like, ‘where’s my arm?’ only it’s ‘where’s my Mick?’ But see, that’s sort of the point. Like Mick was this comfortable, familiar person. He was…safe.

The most fucked up thing about the whole situation was that night I spent in Mick’s arms with him just holding me and letting me freak out and cry. It’s like...I can’t really describe it, it’s sort of like the worst/best/scariest/and most secure night of my life all rolled into one. Like in that moment I don’t think I had ever felt more safe, and that made me feel great, but at the same time feeling that safe with Mick and realizing that I still wanted to be with Ben gave me an extreme feeling of confidence, certainty that I was making the right decision...and that made me feel great. But then the fact that I was feeling all these things – extremely safe and loved by Mick, extremely excited and certain about Ben – just made me feel like shit. Like I wasn’t being loyal to either of them emotionally, and like I was screwed up in the head myself for feeling so conflicted.

Still, life goes on, and the way it’s been going has been pretty all around amazing. Ben is so much fun to be with, and everything he does is...well amazing. Have I mentioned amazing? Well let me say it again: Ben is amazing! I know it’s kinda lame and cheesy to say this, but he like ‘completes me’ *gags on the phrase* He’s like everything I could never be. Everything I ever wanted. He just makes it all look so easy.

I still worry about Mick though. I mean I know he was – ok possibly still is – in love with me...although I’m still not sure if he knows it consciously. So I know that as great as Mick is being about all this it’s gotta hurt. I also feel like scum because I like keep forgetting our plans or bailing at the last minute. But he’s just so...understanding. His typical reaction is ‘oh it’s okay, you were with your boyfriend’ or ‘don’t worry about it, dude, go spend time with Ben’, then he does the forehead kiss/hug thing. But as guilty as I feel and as much as I worry, I have faith in Mick. He’ll be okay. He’ll work out his shit and get over his feelings for me, and he’ll do the happily ever after thing. I mean it’s not like I was the love of his life by any stretch of the imagination. We never even kissed – unless you count the forehead thing –and I’m not even sure if he’s consciously aware of his feelings or sexuality at all. Besides, I have more than enough other things to worry about to dwell on Mick for too long.

Like Ronnie for example. It’s really weird with Ronnie. I’ve never really had a close gay friend before – I’m not counting Mick here, since he’s…well whatever he is – but suddenly Ronnie just kinda walked – wait let’s go with ‘pranced’ that’s a much better verb for Ronnie – into my life and insisted on making me fabulous…or doing his best anyway. So he forces me to go shopping with him when Amanda isn’t around, and he listens to my really gay problems.

By ‘really gay problems’ I mean issues that are just so gay related it would be too weird to talk about them with anyone but a guy like Ronnie. I mean some of these things it would even be weird to talk about with Mick or Jake! You know...stuff. Like gay sex stuff. I mean I’m sure I’m supposed to be talking to Ben about this stuff – and we sorta do to some extent – but it’s also like…EMBARRASSING! I mean especially since a lot of it is about him. And let’s face it, prior to dating Ben, I wasn’t exactly the most experienced queer at Bender’s – in fact I was probably the least experienced queer at Bender’s. So let me tell ya, I had some questions and concerns!

The sex itself is great by the way. More than great, it’s fucking amazing! Like literally, I already told you I thought Ben was amazing, he’s like the personification of amazing, so the sex...well it feels like I’m fucking the personification of amazing. And it’s good. I’m talking so good I can see why it was illegal in this state until 2003. I mean sex this good should just be a crime! So yeah, you missed our first time, but don’t worry I’m sure we’ll be doing it again soon – very soon if I have anything to say about it...and fortunately I do! – so no worries, you can catch the summer re-runs.

Anyway, back to Ronnie. See, I really appreciate Ronnie’s friendship, but it’s like the more time I spend with Ben the harder it is to see Ronnie. Ronnie and Ben themselves are mostly okay with each other...but only directly. Okay that doesn’t make sense does it? What I mean is they don’t have any problems with each other personally or ‘officially’, but they don’t get along for other reasons.

I’m not too sure of the details but I know that Ronnie and Giorgio had a painful break up. At least I know it was painful for Ronnie. Anyway, as a result Ronnie is…weird – yeah I think ‘weird’ is the only word for it – around Giorgio. Weird isn’t too bad I suppose. But then there’s Daisy. Ronnie and Daisy fucking hate each other, like to a freakish degree. Evidently Daisy played a major role in breaking Ronnie and Giorgio up, and for his part I think Daisy views this as the single best thing he ever did. Naturally Ronnie hates Daisy for all of this and, I might add, with an intensity that makes my own general dislike for the bitch approach something boarding on affection by comparison.

Anyway, when you do figure in my own lousy relationship with Daisy and Giorgio and then add having someone else around that’s actually in an even more extreme, awkward, and acerbic position with them…well it’s easy to see why including Ronnie in any group get together isn’t exactly top of Ben’s list of fun ways to kill time. Thus, Ronnie and Ben sort of don’t get along just for the principle of the matter.

Of course as complicated and worrying as the situations with Ronnie and Mick are, they have one major advantage over my other two complicating and worrying situations: I like Ronnie and Mick. My other two problems are of course Ben’s two best friends: Daisy and Giorgio, or as he likes to call them – possibly because it’s their names or something – ‘Matt’ and ‘Jose’.

Let’s tackle Jose first shall we? Mostly because tackling him in real life would be a total impossibility but in terms of problematic behavior he’s actually slightly more manageable.

Giorgio is over-protective and possessive of his friends…and the Pope is Catholic. Ever since that first night when I didn’t let Ben seduce me – and thus fucked with his head – Giorgio has had a bone to pick with me (and I’m concerned it might be one of my own). It only got worse that night at the club that I first flouted his ‘authority’ – because believe me he views it as some sort of God given right to control his friends’ lives – and exchanged numbers with Ben. From then on it seemed as though trying to scare me off became Giorgio’s new favorite hobby. Recently though it’s actually gotten slightly better. This is mostly because Ben is generally able to call him off and also because it seems like he’s slowly getting used to my presence. Unfortunately, the truly disconcerting thing is that Ben is really only able to ‘call him off’ insofar as he won’t pull shit, or he’ll drop it, if Ben is around. But if Ben isn’t around...well let’s just say I feel about as safe as a hemophiliac in shark infested waters. During these times in which I fear blood loss the only thing scarier are the rare occasions when I’m forced to be around both Giorgio and Daisy without either Ben or Cosmo. I guess Daisy sort of riles him up or something. During these times I still feel like I’m in the hemophiliac/shark situation, but it’s like someone’s also given me concrete shoes to deal with.

Things with Daisy are actually much worse than they’ve ever been. Whereas Giorgio is gradually getting used to having me around (in much the same way that a dog gets used to a tick), Daisy seems to hate me with an even stronger intensity for each moment I spend with Ben – particularly if that moment doesn’t include him. At least with Giorgio it’s mostly just this lurking, threatening, but typically silent presence. With Daisy it’s this vociferous stream of sarcasm and hate 24/7. To top it all off for some reason he can pretty much say whatever he pleases to me and Ben just tends to let it slide.

On the bright side, at least I have Cosmo around a lot of the time. Apart from being an all around okay guy, Cosmo has the strangest ability to neutralize things with Giorgio. Like Ben can call Giorgio off, but Cosmo can actually disarm him. Most of the time when Cosmo is around I don’t even feel threatened by Giorgio at all.

Unfortunately all bets are off if Cosmo is drunk – well Cosmo is usually ‘drunk’ to some extent, so I suppose I should say very drunk. In fact if Cosmo is pretty well gone, then things are usually worse with Giorgio. I’m guessing it’s because he feels like he needs to protect not only Ben but Cosmo as well. By that same line of reasoning he gets even more difficult to handle and over-bearing when Ben and I are around him and Ben is also drunk. Thus, I really wish that Ben and Cosmo could either both stay away from alcohol or that we could all stay away from Giorgio. Unfortunately both possibilities seem about as likely as discovering that Amanda is carrying Ronnie’s baby.

Cosmo and Daisy have an interesting dynamic going. I get the distinct impression that Daisy doesn’t actually like him. Yet somehow there isn’t that jealousy and hate thing he has for everyone else where Ben and Giorgio are concerned. They also have a sort of comfortable, familiar way about them. Even without Ben or Giorgio around, it’s not unusual for them to sit or stand together. Sometimes Cosmo is even able to give me a little break from Daisy by either distracting him or something. Unfortunately he just as often accomplishes this by taking some of the heat himself.

From an interactionist perspective, I have to admit that even if I weren’t living all of this, and thus personally invested in it, I’d still be fascinated in observing them all and their interactions, especially from this up-close perspective.

The simplest, least complicated relationship I have right now is most definitely with Jake. Things with Jake are pretty much the same as they’ve always been. I mean I don’t get to spend as much time chatting at the bar with him as I used to since most of the time I’m dancing with Ben, or otherwise spending time with him, but when Jake and I do get together, be it at the bar or the occasional visit to his sty err I mean ‘apartment’, it’s the same ol’ Jake! Steady, dependable, and all around fun to be with.

He and Amanda really do make a great couple. They’ve just got this natural, comfortable vibe going on. It’s as though they’ve been together forever, even though in reality it hasn’t quite been a year yet. I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with Amanda and Jake together, or Amanda and Ronnie together. She’s pretty busy during the semester, but now that it’s summer I expect they – and consequently to some extent me – will get to spend more time with her.

So that’s pretty much how things stand right now. Speaking of standing, I’m done with my coffee and I’m sick of watching Ben sleep through the glass door of the balcony. So I think I’m going to go back inside and climb back into bed with him for awhile. God, he looks so beautiful and peaceful lying there!