Need You Now - 1. Need You Now

It’s 5:00 pm as I head down to my last class. College hallways seem to be packed at this particular hour. It’s Friday night, so it isn’t unusual to see groupies heading out, couples heading to a room and loners studying in a corner.

There’s nothing particularly interesting about my history class. It feels boring as always. Sue is texting with her boyfriend, Joe has everything ready to begin the class, and Susan is applying her final touches of make up to impress Mr. Gosling, who is late again.

5:10 pm my watch marks when he enters the room. I give thanks to the lord, for whatever my subconscious reasons are.

Perhaps it is because I want the class to end already. Yes, I think that is the reason.

I want to go and meet him.

Mr. Gosling starts the class but I can’t seem to focus. My thoughts are already preoccupied with something else.

I take out my cell phone and type the message, but I just don’t hit ‘send’ yet. I save it on the drafts and begin having second thoughts.

It’s Friday night, though, might as well send it. But again, I just don’t.

I close my phone and try to listen to whatever shit Mr. Gosling is going on about. I glance sideways and meet up with Sue’s boring face and Susan’s deeply staring. Joe raises his hand to ask something, but then it seems that his only intention is to correct Mr. Gosling for having said something ‘unfactual’. I have no idea how the hell he comes up with his choice of words. His ‘terminology’ as I once heard him say.

Then Susan asks something stupid, totally off-topic. Mr. Gosling blushes, which I find stupid as well. He should be used to it by now.

Sue whispers something against Susan, which is clearly heard by everyone in the room. Susan replies in her sassy tone and both girls start fighting. Mr. Gosling puts a halt to it.

Usual Friday class.

When the clock reads 6:00 pm I’m the first one to leave. I head to my room to change my clothes. I still need to attend my late night shift.

I put my books away; I take my shoes off and strip down to my briefs. I throw myself to bed just for a minute, my cell phone lingering on my hand.

The inner mind fight starts again. Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I open my phone and re-read the message.

Is it too desperate?

It looks the same as the preceding ones. There’s no ‘hi’ or ‘how you doing?’. It skips straight into the real shit. But still I do not send it.

I change into my uniform and grab my keys. I head toward the parking lot and start my car. I drive and drive, with my best music screaming out loud from the speakers. Most of the people pull their windows up when I stop at a red light, but I just don’t give a fuck.

The drive toward work is always a pleasant one; a ten-minute drive, strangely a 15-minute drive on Tuesdays.

I park my car and shut the engine off. I rest my head on the steering wheel and have a me-time moment. I close my eyes and memories start flooding in. There are all kinds of them.

There’s the time when we first met, it was a Friday night. There’s also the time when he first asked me out. The date comes as a blur, but I do remember the ending; when we kissed for the first time.

My mind has also recorded the fights. Our first fight, when he forgot our anniversary, or the fight that started when he caught me ‘flirting’ with another guy. Honestly, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, well, at least not for me. But he got mad and we ended up not talking for almost a week. But we came through.

I get out of the car and start walking. I always enter through the backdoor.

The kitchen always smells greasy, sort of disgusting. Nevertheless, I’m used to it now. I grab a pair of gloves and start washing the big pile of dishes, like I’m supposed to. Scrub and rinse. And the only thing that preoccupies my mind is whether I should or should not send the text. Scrub and rinse.

The clock makes it usual course, but I rarely bother to notice. I do realize when it hits 9:00 pm. Henry bursts in and I know that’s my cue. I’m usually done by then so the only thing left to do is clean the rest of the kitchen, which is actually just putting everything away. Yes, 9:00 pm, and the text has yet to be sent.

There’s a bar just across where I work. I head to it mechanically.

It smells different in here. It smells like sex… and other drugs.

Harry is the bartender. He spots me and smiles toward me. I think he likes me; I think.

I nod in his direction and head toward the bar. When I sit down, he has my drink already. I smile and lift it up, giving him my “you know me well” look. And I’m sure he does.

I want to reach my phone, but I just don’t do it. I’m scared.

I know, it is stupid and pathetic.

So I drink hastily, in a single gulp. My throat slightly hurts and I feel dizzy, but just for one second.

I’m not surprised when I notice that Harry has already poured me the second one. I lift up this one too and give him my “you are the best” look. He smiles and heads off to see and attend the other people waiting. I drink this one in a single gulp too, and my throat hurts again. My vision gets blurry, my head feels dizzy, and everything around me starts to spin around…

And that’s when I send the text.

I’m not really sure if I pass out or just sleep for a moment. Harry has already poured me another drink, but he is nowhere to be seen.

I try to clearly open my eyes and my head hurts a little. Thinking ‘oh, what the hell’, I gulp my third drink.

My phone buzzes a reminder, and I immediately grab it and open it up.

The reply is short. Simple, but states what I want. There’s no ‘hi’ or ‘how you doing?’ It’s just what it is.

I smile, a sort of triumphant smile. Harry appears and looks at me for a moment. We both stare at each other, my smile not fading. He rolls his eyes and pours me another drink. I feel a little bit of guilt and embarrassment, but still, I gulp it.

He gives me ‘the look’. I don’t know what that one means. It’s just ‘the look’.

I tip him and head outside.

By now I’m walking almost in a zig-zag, carefully watching my step. Usually, there’s always someone I know outside. I ask them for a cigarette. I’d never gotten no for an answer.

I light it and start walking toward my car. The engine makes a startling sound I almost want to shut it off again.

But I remember where I’m supposed to be headed. So I do.

I’ve never been stopped by the police, but I do my best to drive slowly and carefully. Well, as carefully as my blurred vision and slightly hammered head let me. It’s a long drive.

Being inside my car has this immediate effect of bringing memories to my mind. And all of those memories include him.

So I start thinking in him and I hit the accelerator just a bit. I start to remember how good his touch feels, so I hit the accelerator a bit more. I love it when he kissed me, but I love it more when I kiss him. I love being in control.

I realized I’m passing the 65 miles per hour, so I slowdown.

But he remains in my thoughts. I remember the first time we fucked, right here on my car on a Monday night. The best fuck I’ve ever had.

When I make it to his place, there are no second thoughts, or doubts, or memories in my mind; just determination.

He opens the door. I stare flabbergasted. He looks perfect. His messy hair, his upper naked body, his eyeliner… he looks perfect, even after 1:00 am.

There’s no smile, no ‘hi’. A single word is never uttered.

He rolls his eyes and steps aside. I step in and he closes the door behind me. His place smells like lavender.

I turn around and we stare at each other for a moment.

I give him my “I’m sorry” look. And then, he gives me his ‘look’. God, he kills me. He says so much with it. So I give him my “I’m serious, this will be the last time” look. He rolls his eyes for a third time, knowing that it is but a lie.

I wobble a little, so I sit down. He sits next to me, and I just can’t fight it anymore. I grab him by the cheeks and kiss him passionately. I’m fierce and determine to taste him as much as possible. For a moment, I panic, because I’m the only one kissing. But I do not let go.

And then he starts kissing back. Our tongues start fighting, desperately needing the touch of the other.

My hands start to go crazy, exploring every inch of his naked back. I feel him pull me near, our lips still together. His hands now start exploring my body. I immediately take my shirt off and the feeling of our bare chests touching one another is enough to send me in shivers.

He starts kissing my neck, and that’s when I almost pass out. The levels of alcohol in my body inside my body take it to another level. My body starts shivering again, being overwhelmed by all the pleasure. A fucking ecstasy I wish it was never ending.

And for the first time in all day, I truly smile.