A Proper Push - 1. A Proper Push

Being awoken by the phone is by far the most annoying way to wake up, especially if you haven’t been sleeping well for the last few weeks. It was one of those weeks where nothing seemed to be going right for me, and as a result I decided to throw my hands up and just sulk in bed. Maybe it was my mind’s way of sabotaging everything just so that I would allow myself to rest for a change.

It seemed to work too, because before I knew it I had entered into a dreamscape with some very intense imaginings. I would like to say that they were peaceful thoughts, but because of how inconstant I was with myself and the life I currently lead, that it would nearly be impossible to have any kind of a pleasant dream.

I couldn’t actually say exactly what my dreams were, but I do know I went from an upset emotional state where I felt twisted inside with knots in my stomach to grabbing the phone next to my bed feeling rather frustrated and angry. It took all I could do to not actually greet the person who dared to interrupt me by screaming at them, but I’m certain the person on the other end of the line knew I wasn’t amused because when I said ‘Yes’ rather than hello as I normally would there wasn’t a response.

"Anyone there,” I said sharply though by now I could hear someone breathing on the other end.

"I’m sorry to bother you Justin, but have you heard from Sheldon?” an upset voice finally spoke just as I was about to swear at them and slam the phone down.

Rather than answering I glanced over at the clock to see what time it was and made note that it wasn’t even noon. I knew something was up by the tone of her voice, but since I still was sort of crusty from being awoken I just shrugged my shoulders knowing she wouldn’t see so she didn’t hear in my voice the lack of care I currently held.

"I’m sorry I haven’t, is there something wrong?” I decided to ask.

Sheldon and his father had a huge argument. There were a lot of things said and Sheldon screamed at us saying he would never be a burden to us again before slamming the front door. I’ve called everyone I know and you’re the only one left that I know he might turn to.”

It was enough for me to snap out of my grumpy mood and sit straight up. I knew Sheldon’s family fairly well and also knew they had a very loving home. I often found it odd and was even jealous that they rarely had any disagreements. In fact, when they did they always turned out to be minor and very simple arguments that barely raised their voices. To hear that Sheldon and his father were actually yelling at each other was enough for me to know things were more serious than they first appeared.

"When did this happen?” I inquired.

"When Sheldon came home from school yesterday. That’s when Gary confronted Sheldon regarding some things we’ve noticed recently. We haven’t heard from him since,” she spoke, though it was clear she was on the verge of crying again.

I had known Sheldon a long time; he spent a lot of time at my house as he grew up, and despite the age difference we had become quite close. I might have been an adult, but Sheldon seemed a lot wiser than most would give him credit for. I was often bothered by the fact that Sheldon would rather hang out with me than peers his own age, but over time, I came to accept that he was his own person and would do what suited him best.

What Sheldon lacked in age he certainly made up in spirit and once he picked up on the pain I was in he made it his personal mission to be there when I needed someone the most. I must admit that I found it difficult to actually let my guard down when Sheldon was merely a child, but when someone is as persistent as Sheldon is, it doesn’t matter how thick those walls are, he will eventually break them down into dust.

"I’m sorry, but he hasn’t contacted me. I may know of a few places where I can look for him, give me some time and I’ll let you know when I’ve found him,” I informed her.

After hanging up the phone, I pulled myself out of bed. I currently felt like I had been hit in the head by a hammer, but that was expected considering my lack of sleep. I quickly put on my clothes and grabbed my keys. By the time I reached my car, it dawned on me I really had no clue where to find Sheldon; I had only said it to make his mother feel better.

Truth be told, most children will return home despite the arguments they have with their parents. With the age that Sheldon was at now, I was rather surprised he wasn’t having more arguments from wanting to be more independent. Wasn’t that the way of a teenager’s life, to figure out who you were, and to try to separate yourself from your parents?

I turned on my car, backed out of the driveway, and just started driving. I really wasn’t looking for anything in particular though, for I just couldn’t remember any of the places Sheldon hangs out, but I did make note if I spotted someone who might have look like him.

By the time I figured out where I was going, I was stopped, in a parking lot staring at a park which I hadn’t been in for some time. I used to come to this park all the time and shared many happy memories here, but those days were gone for me, as the memories had been tarnished in recent years by the cold hard reality of life.

I turned off the car and opened the door, not really feeling much, just feeling dazed. I was half way down the path, and by now my car was far from sight. That’s when it hit me that I didn’t remember locking the car, not that it mattered much because who would steal it anyway. The only things worth any value were the last few remaining memories it had to offer me.

I shook off those thoughts and continued on my way up the hill and veered off the path like I had done so many times in the past. I kept telling myself to go back, to not go down this road as it would only torture me more. Still I couldn’t stop myself, as if I was being guided. By the time I neared the peak, I found myself staring at a figure sitting at the edge of the cliff, overlooking the lake below.

As I approached, it became clear to me that it was Sheldon, and I knew I would be able to approach him without him noticing since his back was to me. I found it odd that he remembered this exact place so well, especially since I only showed it to him once and even then it was such a long time ago.

"Taking in the sites?” I softly spoke as I came up behind him.

"Sheldon shrugged his shoulder, though he didn’t turn his head to address me. “I wasn’t certain if you would come.”

"I’ll admit, I’m surprised to find you here,” I stated.

"Mom called didn’t she?” Sheldon asked though it came across more as a statement rather then a question.

"She did,” I offered though held back saying too much.

"They hate me,” Sheldon softly stated as I became aware that he was crying.

"No they don’t,” I offered as I neared him.

Yes they do, they just don’t know it yet,” Sheldon declared.

I sat down behind him and put my arm around him to comfort him. He leaned into me as he started to cry a lot harder than he had moments before. I knew Sheldon enough to know it was pointless to ask him anything when his emotional state was the way it currently was, so I just allowed his tears to flow until there was nothing left for him to let out.

I already knew what he was talking about, I had figured it out some time ago, but I also knew it was up to him to tell me. It had to be him to offer it up, for forcing it out of him would only make it harder for him to admit. It appeared though that now was the time I needed to offer him a bit of a shove in the direction he needed to go and I was determined to help him along.

"Are you ready to tell me what’s got you so twisted up inside?” I asked.

Sheldon didn’t offer anything other than to shake his head, but I decided staying in a place that had such a history for me, wasn’t going to help Sheldon much and felt it best to remove myself, and him from here. It didn’t take much effort to get him to stand, and I held one arm around him as we walked down towards the car.

We didn’t say much on the way down the path, as neither one of us really wanted to. I knew Sheldon was torn now with what he was feeling inside, and I was twisted up with having to come into contact with a past I can never have again.

The car ride back to my place was equally uneventful, and Sheldon took it upon himself to change the radio station every thirty seconds mostly to distract himself. I guess he expected me to take him straight home, but I knew him well enough to know that it wouldn’t be best for him. He needed to unwind and so I took him to my place where he felt most comfortable at times like this.

He was surprised when I pulled into my driveway, and he was all too willing to get out and make his way into the house. I decided to put on a pot of coffee and try to figure a way that I could get Sheldon to talk. For the next ten minutes, while he was channel surfing on the television, I took the opportunity to contact his home just as I agreed to do. His mom was of course the one to answer.

"Justin, did you find him?” Megan spoke with a panicked tone.

I spoke in a low tone, “Yes I did, he’s rather upset right now, I promise to bring him home in a bit once he’s calmer.”

I knew she would trust me to take care of him, but I also knew she wanted to know what was going on. She didn’t ask though, and I was grateful for that, though I had a feeling it was because she knew I wouldn’t give her the answers she was seeking. Those answers had to come from Sheldon and I felt like she knew it as well.

She asked me to call if there was any trouble, though I assured her Sheldon would be fine. Once I hung up the phone, I poured two cups of coffee and brought them both out before handing one to Sheldon.

"So, what did she say,” Sheldon asked while staring into his mug.

I knew it would be best not to pretend like I hadn’t called, for Sheldon knew I would call to put his parents’ mind at ease. “Your mother wanted to know if you were ok, she’s rather worried about you.” I answered.

"Well they shouldn’t be, for I’m nothing but a disgrace to them anyway,” Sheldon muttered.

Now I think that’s a bit harsh, you are who you are, and all your parents’ wish is for you to be happy,” I offered hoping he would take it to heart.

"That’s because you don’t know, if you did you would change your mind.”

"What don’t I know?” I asked trying to challenge him.

Sheldon put the mug on the coffee table in front of him as he glanced toward the bookshelf next to the television. He got up and walked over to the photo and delicately picked it up in both hands. Had anyone else picked up that photo I would certainly have asked them to put it back down, but with Sheldon I felt content on allow him the privilege.

"You didn’t bring me this year to see her,” Sheldon spoke without turning to look at me.

"I didn’t want to burden you,” I admitted.

It was enough for Sheldon to whip his head around and glare at me. “Don’t you dare start that again, if anything I’m the burden who won’t stop nagging you to get out of this rut.”

It’s funny how quickly the adult can become the child when it comes to Sheldon and me, but perhaps that was the joy of our unique relationship. We’ve always been there for each other and somehow knew where to find the other when push came to shove. Right now Sheldon decided to use my weakness to try to avoid the matter at hand.

"I’m sorry,” I genuinely said.

"You know, you never actually told me how she died,” Sheldon decided to ask while I felt a bit vulnerable.

"I’ll tell you, but you need to answer one question first,” I requested while trying to turn the tables back on him.

"Ok,” Sheldon agreed though I wasn’t certain who was truly leading who into their web.

"I want to hear it from you, the truth that is; why do you feel you’re an apparent disgrace to your parents?” I asked being as direct and bold as I could.

Sheldon went suddenly ridged; he wouldn’t beat around a topic when asked so clearly but this time he clamed up. I don’t know how many seconds went by as the pain in his face grew, but it was evident that he felt he was totally carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"I think I’m gay,” Sheldon whispered as he lowered his head.

Sheldon was obviously expecting a negative response from me and, most likely, had convinced himself that everyone he loved was bound to hate him for uttering such a thing. I had already determined the truth about his sexuality, and knew he needed to say it freely rather then being asked if he was.

"A brain aneurysm,” I responded almost catching him of guard by answering his question.

Sheldon looked like he was about to burst into tears, I was quick to approach him as I grabbed him in my arms. I guess it was silly of me to hold back the truth of how my wife died, but actually admitting it only made it feel real.

"You could have told me you know,” Sheldon softly said. “I always thought she jumped off the edge where you found me today.”

I always knew Sheldon had an active mind, and it was apparent in that moment that I should have let him know the truth some time ago. Sheldon already knew how I meet my wife on that hill one day while we were both walking and bumped into each other. He just didn’t know how she died, only that it happened on that very hill where we meet.

The next few hours were rather quiet, we really didn’t say much. Sheldon ended up lying on the couch with his head in my lap while I gently stroked his hair giving him the support he needed. By the time I finished my coffee it was rather cold. Sheldon barely touched his. The movie we watched was some sort of low budgeted movie, and frankly it didn’t hold my attention at all. I spent most of my time watching Sheldon while making him feel content enough to know I was alright with him no matter who he was.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?” I finally dared to ask, breaking the silence between us.

"No,” he answered. “There is someone I’m interested in though,” he offered.

"I guess if you two hook up, I’ll have to get jealous that he’s stealing all our time together,” I teased rather than prying into who it might be.

“Do I have to tell them?” he asked.

"You know you’re going to have to,” I said simplistically. “Considering the argument you had with your father, you know the truth will need to come out.”

"They won’t understand,” Sheldon pleaded.

"You don’t truly know that, besides they might surprise you,” I explained.

“They don’t understand me like you do, maybe we should hook up,” Sheldon smirked clearly trying to lighten the mood.

"Two issues I see right off the top. One you’re a minor, and two I’m not gay,” I kindly pointed out.

"Yeah I guess you wouldn’t care to share a room with someone named Butch huh,” Sheldon chuckled in amusement.

"True, however, if I were gay, then lets just say it’s a good thing that there are those laws,” I played along trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, good thing for those,” he said though I noticed his tone dropped and seemed to carry off. I felt my head adjust slightly to one side as I wondered what Sheldon was currently thinking, though I decided it best to drop the topic and not press the matter further.

We talked a lot throughout the day; he really poured his heart out regarding what he was feeling way more than he ever did before. I admitted to him that I had suspected for some time that he was gay, but I didn’t want to push him into telling me before he was ready to do so. By the look on his face I think he was offended that he wasn’t able to shock me with the news, however, what bothered me was he didn’t think he could turn to me and felt the only way he could solve everyone’s problem was to just disappear forever.

I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed to learn that, but I defiantly understood how he felt. There were so many times I felt so alone and uncertain about where I could turn that I felt like it would be best for me to disappear. For me, through all the years without my wife, Sheldon became my reason for continuing on. I couldn’t bear the thought of destroying him by just having him wake up one day and learn that I didn’t want to be here anymore.

I made certain he understood that too, and to consider what I would have gone though along with his other friends and family if he did just that. By the end of the day he understood it enough to agree it was finally time to go home and face his demons head on.

Okay, those were his choice of words, although he wasn’t actually referring to his parents as demons, but rather his fears and the bitterness that he carried from having to hide so much inside. When we reached his house it was already dark, though I could clearly see that he was trembling as to what would come next. I gave him the warmest smile to assure him all would be well though I knew a smile wouldn’t be enough as facing something like this was defiantly no easy task.

Sheldon’s parents were quick to get to the door when they heard it open, though what surprised them was to find I was facing them with Sheldon cowering behind me like he were about to be brutally punished. I raised my hand up to silence both of them from actually saying something that they might actually regret.

"Sheldon has something very important that he needs to talk to you about and right now what he needs you to do is to just listen to him,” I explained

They looked from me to Sheldon and then toward each other, before making their way to the living room and taking a seat on the edge of their sofa. I walked Sheldon over to one of the chairs and watched as he sunk into the seat like he was about to be given a life sentence in prison.

"Sheldon right now needs the loving parents that I know you both are,” I stated while choosing my words very carefully. “Just… listen to what Sheldon has to say. I’ll be outside if you need anything,” My eyes looking toward Sheldon as I said that last part and gave him a small smile to remind him that I was here for him.

I made my way outside, closing the front door quietly behind me so that I could give them the privacy they now needed. I took a seat on the porch chair and just waited. I wasn’t really certain what to expect and as I sat there I thought about how torn Sheldon has been.

Losing track of time, I was caught off guard suddenly when I found myself in the dark after someone turned off the porch light from the inside. They apparently had forgotten about me, or maybe thought I left and went home, but I couldn’t help taking it slightly personally that I was left in the dark.

This time alone on the porch did give me a chance to really think about Sheldon’s current situation and what sort of life he was going to have. Up until now he had been hiding in the shadows of a life that wasn’t really his and I knew without a doubt that with the support of his parents, he would be able to break free from that and live a life that would make him happier than if he hid the truth about his sexuality.

It was with that thought that I found myself playing with my wedding band. I was turning it around my finger, like it was just recently put on there, as if it was something I wasn’t used to wearing yet. It dawned on me that, like Sheldon, I myself had been hiding in the shadows but for me it was because of a life that was no longer mine.

We had both become prisons of our own minds and in doing so grew totally unhappy with ourselves and our lives. With that thought dancing in my head, for the first time since my wife’s passing, I began thinking and actually began to consider that perhaps it was time to let go and allow myself to live life once again.

Sometimes, all it takes is a proper push to get there.

© 2008 Bardeara