Jabberwocky - 11. Comfort

XI. Comfort

Brandon sat in a straight-backed wooden chair in a corner of Leia’s small living room. He was watching Leia, stretched out on her stomach, playing with a toddler. The toddler had Leia’s trademark curls and grin, and was banging his rattle on the floor, pink faced and chubby, like a normal baby. Leia glanced up and smiled at him and he couldn’t help but just smile back. Leia looked so happy, like she had everything she had ever wanted, and Brandon knew that if she was happy, then he was happy and that was all he needed.

There was movement in the shadowy recesses of the kitchen and Brandon strained his eyes in that direction, trying to see. The figure moved into the doorway and Rajar leaned against the doorjamb, arms crossed over his shirtless chest, watching the scene with cold, emotionless eyes. Brandon’s chest locked up, stifling any sound he might make, and he found himself frozen, rooted to the damn chair, unable to move, unable to flee, or to move to protect Leia. His mouth worked, making soundless attempts, unable to scream, unable to shout at Leia to run, to warn her in any way at all. As he sat there, helpless, with Leia obliviously playing with her young son, Rajar raised his eyes to meet his and revealed the small, sly, cunning smile of a predator.

Brandon began to shiver and found himself shaking so hard that he was actually making the chair tremble. And then it wasn’t just the chair, but the entire room was shaking, trembling, and as it shook, it began to blur and dissolve, like the Etch-a-sketch pictures he had drawn when he was little…

Brandon woke up suddenly, breathing heavily and struck out blindly at the hands shaking him, squirming and kicking until he fell heavily on the floor. He banged his head and was dazed for a moment. Long enough to realize where he was, what had happened and to get embarrassed about it. He quickly sat up, still feeling a little dizzy and disoriented. He slapped away Jordan’s hand when it reached for him.

“I’m fine,” Brandon said. He reached up and gingerly touched his head where it had connected with the floor. That had hurt a whole lot more than he thought it should.

“Is your head okay?" Jordan's voice was thick with concern. "Let me take a look-”

“Don’t touch me!” Brandon shouted, getting to his feet and taking several steps away. “God, just--don’t.”

He heard the creak of the bed as Jordan got up and the soft patter of feet on the floor before a sheet dropped down around his shoulders. The considerate gesture did nothing to calm him, but he gratefully pulled the sheet around his body, covering himself.

“Are you really okay?” Jordan asked.

“Just a nightmare is all,” Brandon said, relieved that his voice didn’t sound as shaky as the rest of him felt.

A few seconds later the door flew open and a slightly panicked voice rang out. “Jordan? Brandon?”

“We’re okay!” Jordan called out, hastily grabbing a pillow and pulling it over his hips. “Christ, woman, can’t you at least knock?”

Sumna ignored him. “No one is hurt?” she asked. “We heard shouting.”

“Everything is fine,” Jordan said. “Brandon?”

“I’m fine,” Brandon mumbled, looking down at the floor, his face deep red.

“Both okay?” Sumna asked again. Jordan nodded. “Yeah.”

Sumna studied them both and nodded. “Okay, good. Pack up. We leave around midday.”

Jordan nodded again.

She turned and gave them another studying look then left.

“Was it me?” Brandon asked.

Jordan glanced over at him. “You were shouting in your sleep. It woke me up. I was trying to wake you when you started struggling and fell out of bed.”

Brandon pulled his clothes on and went to the door, opened it up, surveying the scene outside. A lot of people were gathered outside, running to and fro, but other than that, it looked fairly normal. It calmed him down considerably. He took a deep breath of the cool, early morning air. “It was a nightmare.”

“I know,” Jordan approached behind him, but took care not to touch him. “Do you want to talk about it?“

“What was I shouting?” Brandon asked. “Was it words?”

“Yes,” Jordan answered.

“What was I saying?”

“Get away from her. Then just the word no over and over.”

Brandon looked down through the entranceway at the branches and eventual forest floor beneath the steps winding their way around the trunk. He could still remember the details, the child, the way Leia had been watching him, the cold terror of seeing Rajar in the doorway. “Sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Jordan said. “Are you alright?”

“I already told you I’m fine.”

Jordan glanced at him as he pulled the sheets off the bed and started rolling them up. “And do you mean it, or are you just saying that for my benefit?”

Brandon bit his lip. “I don’t want to talk about it."

“Okay," Jordan said. “Is your head alright?”

Brandon frowned. It still hurt. He ran a hand through his hair, but there was no blood that he could tell. He felt awful. Even though he knew where he was, that he was safe, the adrenaline was refusing to drain from his body. He could feel the dust sifting between his fingers from when he had touched his hair. “I’m filthy,” he said, brushing at his hair, removing more dust and dirt.

“Why don’t you go get cleaned up?” Jordan suggested. “I’ll join you later. First I want to go ahead and get everything packed and put away.”

Brandon left the pod and made his careful, tentative way down the winding stairs. His step was still a little unsteady. Once he was on the ground, he shivered a little, feeling vulnerable and exposed, and hurried to the hot springs. They were mostly empty. It was too late in the day for those who bathed before work and the springs didn’t really fill up again until late afternoon, when the villagers started gaining dismissal from their various jobs.

He bathed and changed into fresh clothes. He already felt better. On his way back to the pod, he checked the sky. Sumna said they would leave around midday, noon according to Earth time, he supposed. Odwayon had no clocks and his and Jordan’s watches hadn’t worked since they got to Charion, but Brandon had gotten a little familiar with checking the sky to see roughly what time it was. He still had a little bit of time, and besides, he knew Jordan wouldn’t leave without him. He veered off into the woods, until he heard the rush of the stream. This was often where Maikeeli would confront him. He sat down and touched the symbol where it was hung around his neck.

He didn’t speak, just sat down near a tree. He drew his knees up to his chest and leaned his head back. Brandon knew that Maikeeli didn’t need words, so he just thought of him, of how much he had helped him, had encouraged him to share the burden of his memory with his lover. It had hurt to drag it out, but now that it was freed, exposed, he felt better. Raw, but clean. Like he might begin to heal. Might. Maybe. Hopefully.

He sat for a few more minutes, thinking about Jordan, Leia, Kelly, good warm memories that made him smile a little as the sun warmed his face. He heard footsteps approach and knew it was Jordan. He took another minute to gather his thoughts, to soak in all the positive energy he felt around him and opened his eyes and his mind at the same time. He wanted to share this, wanted Jordan to feel what he was feeling. This rare moment of peace and calmness. He saw Jordan watching him, caught by those bright, blue eyes that could still take his breath away, that smile that could light up his whole word. He felt a pulse of love from Jordan, pure, simple, uncomplicated love, and let the feeling swell up inside of him until it was pressing warm against his chest and slid in cool streaks down his cheeks.

“I love you,” Brandon said, reaching out and grabbing Jordan’s hand, pressing a kiss against his wrist. “So much it makes me crazy.”

“I know,” Jordan sat next to him for a moment, leaning his head against Brandon’s shoulder. “It’s amazing how this place can make you feel,” Jordan commented and Brandon smiled, nodding, glad that he wasn’t the only one who felt that.

“I sometimes wish we could just stay here,” Brandon murmured. The feeling of love pouring through their open connection was pulsing with the rhythm of his heartbeat, a sweet, calm sensation.

“We can if you want to,” Jordan offered. Brandon glanced at him, his calm expression. He was serious and Brandon wanted, for a moment, to accept the offer. To say yes and let Jassa and Sumna do their own thing. It would not be hard. He loved Odwayon, the villagers, the peaceful atmosphere and the quiet forest that spoke of strength and healing. He could find a job at doing something, maybe work with the Healers, and Jordan could do whatever he wanted to do and they would stay in their little pod and make love at night while it stormed. It would be so easy.

But…

Rajar was still out there. Keith was still out there. And nothing could be right while they were free to do whatever they want.

And Leia’s child. If he left Jassa and Sumna to raid the palace by themselves, they might kill him.

And his family. He never planned on being gone for this long. He couldn’t imagine what his absence was doing to his parents. The least he could do was eventually return.

There were too many other things at stake. No time to be selfish.

He turned and looked at Jordan. He didn’t say anything, but his expression must have answered Jordan’s question because the older boy leaned forward, kissed Brandon and stood up, offering his hand. “Come on then.”

Brandon allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and followed his lover out of the forest.

Time to save Charion.

* * *

Sumna and Jassa had requisitioned several horses. Sumna and Jassa rode solo but Brandon and Jordan were to ride together, much to Brandon’s relief. Right before they were getting ready to leave, a young Odwayon girl came running up to Brandon and pressed something into his hands.

“What-” Brandon started, but the girl had turned and disappeared before Brandon could even say thank you.

“What is it?” Jordan asked.

“I don’t know,” Brandon said. It was a package of cloth, tied into a square bundle. Brandon was eager to unwrap it, but did not think sitting on the back of a horse would be the best time to do so.

“Come on!” Jassa shouted impatiently and Brandon stowed it in one of the saddlebags, waving at the villagers that had gathered to see them off.

Jordan was able to keep pace with Jassa and Sumna fairly easily and Brandon let himself relax a little bit, watching the scenery, which was mainly trees, go by.

Sumna was asking Jordan about the Christ reference he had made earlier and Jordan was trying to delicately explain religion to her. Brandon listened to the conversation, feeling content. His connection with Jordan was still wide open and he could feel that Jordan was mostly content, too. The phantoms of Leia, Rajar and Keith lurked in the back of his mind, but Brandon was doing what he thought was a good job of keeping them at bay. But as the day grew longer and as more distance spread between them and Odwayon, Brandon could feel the dark tendrils of the nightmare creep forward and quietly closed his connection off without explanation.

“Okay, baby?” Jordan asked quietly, putting his hand on the arm wrapped around his waist.

“Yeah,” Brandon said quietly, pressing his face against Jordan’s back.

They stopped for the night soon afterwards. Brandon dismounted on legs that were sore and aching and dutifully followed Sumna’s instructions on how to take care of the horses with Jordan before she and Jassa set up a fire. Brandon found that he didn’t mind horses so much as long as he wasn’t on top of one.

They ate well that night, eating large amounts of food from Odwayon so it wouldn’t spoil. After their stomachs were full and the fire was burning low, Brandon retreated to his and Jordan’s sleeping area. Sumna, perhaps realizing she had overstepped herself that morning, had made sure that it was set far enough away to ensure the boys had some measure of privacy. Jordan joined him while Sumna and Jassa were talking quietly on the other side of the clearing. He was pleased to note that they were out of earshot for both of them.

“Are you okay?” Jordan asked.

“My legs hurt,” Brandon mumbled. Jordan sat down near Brandon’s feet and slid a hand up the back of his pants, feeling his calf. The muscle was hard and unyielding under his fingers. Jordan opened up Brandon’s knapsack and rummaged through the belongings, pulling out the bottle of oil that Brandon had acquired. He poured some into his palm and started massaging the tense tight muscles of the calf, pressing his fingers against the hard, taut tissue until it began to loosen. Brandon moaned slightly in appreciation and Jordan tried to ignore the way that sound went straight to his cock.

“I meant to ask you earlier-” Jordan said, trying to refocus his attention. “Where did you get this oil from?”

“The healer,” Brandon mumbled. “She wanted to know…afterwards, if I had a partner and if I felt I was ready for…you know…stuff again. I told her I wanted to be. And she gave me this.”

“Mmm,” Jordan said. That answer had done little to move his attention in the direction he wanted. He gently moved up Brandon’s leg, massaging his hamstrings, the inner portion of his thigh. He set Brandon’s leg back down and picked up the other one, giving it the same treatment. Brandon sighed. “That feels amazing. Aren‘t your legs sore?”

“No,” Jordan said. “I used to ride, remember?”

“You used to do a lot of things,” Brandon said. He could remember Jordan talking about running track, riding horses, practicing archery. An atypical jock, in Brandon‘s opinion. “Why did you stop?”

“My parents died,” Jordan said. “There was no-one to take me to practice, no one to watch me participate. And besides, it was hard to care about stuff like that at the time.”

“Did you enjoy it? Sports?"

Jordan shrugged. “Sure, I guess.”

“Then you should take it back up,” Brandon said. “Once we get home.”

“Maybe I will.”

“I’ll do it with you.”

Jordan grinned. “Even horseback riding?”

“I’ll ride a very gentle horse,” Brandon decided.

“Maybe we can find you a nice pony,” Jordan said, sliding his hands up Brandon’s leg. Brandon gave him a playful growl in response. Jordan chuckled and kissed the arch of Brandon’s foot. “How do you feel?”

Brandon sighed and stretched. “Wonderful.”

“Do you want to talk?” Jordan asked.

“About what?” Brandon’s voice was lazy and drowsy and Jordan wavered momentarily. He didn’t want Brandon to get worked up again, but he was still worried.

“About this morning?” Jordan asked.

Brandon paused for a moment, then shrugged. Even though he appeared casual, all the muscles that Jordan had carefully massaged out tensed again in an instant. “I’ll need my blanket,” Brandon requested.

“Your blanket?” Jordan asked, confused.

“Yes.” Brandon turned and grabbed Jordan’s shirt, pulling him down on top of him. “My Jordie blanket.”

Jordan smiled and kissed Brandon’s ear. “You’re silly.”

“I know.”

Jordan sighed and rearranged himself more comfortably. “Am I too heavy for you?”

“No,” Brandon replied. “I like it. Makes me feel safe.”

“You had a nightmare.”

“Yeah,” Brandon said. “At first it was nice. Leia was there, and her baby. I was there, too. And she was so happy; she was just glowing. And everything was perfect, just the way it should have been. But-but then he showed up.”

“Rajar,” Jordan said.

“Yeah,” Brandon shivered violently underneath him. “He didn’t do anything; he just stood there, watching. And I tried to warn her, to tell her to leave, to run. But I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. I was frozen. I was helpless. I-”

“Shh, love, shh,” Jordan soothed. “It was a dream, baby, that’s all. Just a dream.”

“Sometimes I think he’ll always be there. Every time I close my eyes. Every time I relax. Every time I think everything will be okay, he’ll be there.”

“He’s not here now. I am. And if you ever see him again, you won’t be alone. I’ll be right there with you. Wherever you are, I will be. Promise.”

Brandon’s cold fingers closed around his. “I know.”

That was exactly why he was afraid.