Untitled Goodbye - 1. Chapter 1 - The last line

It started with a kiss, just a simple peck on the cheek, nothing even that significant. I mean it wasn't even me he was kissing. All it took was that kiss, that stupid fucking little kiss to make my heart break, and make me burst into tears.

After that kiss I ran back to my dorm, which was only 1 floor below his, and bawled my eyes out. My roommate was never there, he didn't care. He was always sleeping at his friends dorm, and I wasn't one to stop him. It's not like I spent much time getting to know him anyway. He rarely was around to talk to, so I just decided I'll get through this year without him.

I digress, on with the story.

I fell asleep on my mattress, in a state of depression, anger, hatred, and longing. I wanted him to love me, but I never had the fucking guts to even say a word to him. I had been watching him, lusting him, wanting conversation, just a simple "Hi." would suffice. But I had been too much of a coward to even say a word to him. Now look what has happened. I didn't have the guts to tell him how I felt.

His name was Adam, and I'd been too much of a coward to even speak one word to him.

He was in almost all my classes, even though he was 1 year older than me. I'd watched him with intent most of the year, passing my classes just barely. There was something about his beautiful chestnut brown hair, shoulder length, but not shaggy. His emerald green eyes, like fields of grass with a slowly blowing wind wisping through their blades. And his muscular, sleek, body with just enough definition to tell that he works out, but not too much to say hes a jock.

Oh how I wish I could hold him, how I longed to kiss his perfectly placed lips, pink in color, and always moist. Bold and beautiful as he was, he was always out of reach, one step away from where I stood, but one step too far, from where I was. It was like fate was temping me to make my move, take a stand, but whenever I did fate would pull it farther away, out of grasp.

I eventually got frustrated of trying, and settling for long staring, lusting over him. I couldn't help but want him, if you saw him you'd be instantly attracted. He was, for a simpler term of words, perfect.

But of course I had never been able to get near him, me being smaller and less muscular. Ordinary black hair, brown eyes. Not anything spectacular. I'd never be able to amount to being anything to him. It wasn't possible at all.

You're probably wondering who I am, why am I here, and what this story is really about. Well I don't matter in this story, I am nobody, I'm not even a chip off your shoulder. I'm the person everyone can't name, because they've only seen me once or twice. I've already accepted that fact and moved on. I've began to realize, I'm nothing in this world.

So here I sit, waiting in my room. Only 25 more minutes and I can all have this over. All of it. Enough nights I've cried over him. Enough times I've been let down and distraught. I just can't take this, I'll never get what I really want, so whats the god damned point?

I got up from my bed, wrote 2 notes. One for Adam, and one for my roommate.

"I'm sorry, looks like you'll need a new roommate buddy. I hope he's better than I was."

I left it on his bed, knowing he might come back in sometime today and pick it up. Then I took the note I had written for Adam to his dorm room, he was out, but he was coming back in a couple minutes, I needed to make it quick. So I slipped it under his door and went back to my room.

Only 14 more minutes, that's all I need.

I spent the next couple minutes figuring out how this was going down exactly. I then got up, fixed my shit, and hair, looked into the mirror. My eyes red and puffy, but everything else perfectly fine. I didn't even care how I looked, but I just thought, I might as well look good for the last 10 minutes of this fucked up life of mine.

I took the bottle from my dresser and got up, left the key in the knob of the door, and walked down to the bathroom. I closed the door, and walked into the shower stall. I turned on the water, it was freezing cold. I was shivering, and freezing. But the more I stood there, the more comforting the water felt. It felt as if the water was lulling me to sleep. Calling me from this place, making everything seem alright. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. They burned on my cold skin, and made me feel as if I was a terrible person.

I looked at my watch. He was back by now, he'd probably gotten my note. Only 7 more minutes. I knew he wouldn't even care. He didn't know me or even care enough to save me from this horrid life I'd been living for the past 5 months.

I opened the bottle I held in my hand, inside is my release. The perfect ending to a fucked up life. I took the pills and shoved them down my throat. They hurt like hell without water, but I didn't care. Soon I wouldn't have to care. Soon I could just say 'Fuck it all.' and be done with everything.

I leaned against the tile wall and slid down, the ice cold water cascading over me, is cold embracing feeling good rushing down my body. It's done, I can finally relax. At that moment in time all my feelings came rushing back, the love I felt when I saw him. The lust I felt when I was around him. Freezing cold water pushing its way into my skin, almost as if telling me everything is going to be okay, everything is now alright. The light started to dim. Everything slowed down now. I felt comfortable for the first time in 5 months. I felt as if I was perfect in the way I was at that moment. Lying in the shower stall, shivering, cold water rushing over me, dying, helpless.

I heard the rushing of feet, the pounding of the bathroom door open, and then the shout of a name in a voice I'd learn to love. "JOEY!" Then everything went black.