Untitled Goodbye - 2. Chapter 2

It all started with a kiss, some stupid little kiss. I had to let him down gently, my heart was taken, and I just had to wait, I needed to wait. I knew he liked me, but I wanted him to get the guts to say something. So I kissed this man standing in front of me, on the cheek, to tell him to look for someone else for his one night fling.

I always knew, but I wanted him to have the guts to say something, say anything. Maybe just wave me over, or even a simple “Hey, Adam.” would be great. But every time I had tried to get him to move closer or give him a chance to make a move. But something in him stopped him, but I just wish he would talk to me.

He’s perfect, his hair is short, always in a cute fauxhawk, but not really too noticeable. His brown eyes always so soft and warm, almost like a pile of leaves in the fall, something you can’t wait to jump into. His face was his most striking feature, because you wouldn’t expect someone like him to be so handsome, you would think someone with his body would be more cute, but his 5 o’clock shadow and broad features said wonders. He was taller than me, but less built. If only he would talk to me.

His name was Joey, and I didn’t have the guts to say one word to him.

He was in all my classes pretty much, he always watched me, and it always made me want him more, but I was too much of a pussy, a coward, an asshole, to even say one word to him. I tried to take small looks at him, whenever he wasn’t looking at me. It was hard though, he was always looking.

I saw him in a couple places, his dorm was one floor below mine, and I didn’t have the guts to say a word to him. You have no idea how I wanted to touch his face, his cute hair, his cute tan body, his slender frame. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell him, “I love you,” but then again you have no idea how much I’m afraid to do just that.

I know he likes me, but what if he says no? What if he doesn’t share the feelings I feel? What happens then?

All these feelings stirred inside me, all this confusion, love, longing, wanting, and fear. It made me more nervous than anything I’ve felt in my entire life. Worse than the feeling you get when you go in for a job interview you know you’re not prepared for.

As I was making my way back to my dorm I ran into a friend, he wanted to talk about some girlfriend he had, how she was the perfect size, how her face was nice and how her tits were big. How he ‘loved’ her, and how their sex life was. I just listened and giggled and nodded, not really paying attention, thinking maybe if I get to my dorm I can see him, and see if he wanted to talk. When we we’re done I walked to the dorm, at a brisk pace, because I needed to get some food from the fridge we had.

I got inside and opened up the fridge, I grabbed a can of Coke and some hot pockets. I then put the hot pockets in the microwave, and went over to my desk. I had a single dorm; the top 2 floors of this building did, so I had more room than most. But it still felt cramped because of the furniture. I couldn’t really bring anything of my own, so I settled for a painting I made in the beginning of the year, hung on the wall, and an area rug, that my mom decided she wanted me to have. I’d grown to love my little room, with all its small details placed perfectly. It seems spacious enough, and it had everything I needed. So I was pretty much all set.

I got up and jumped on my bed after spending a couple minutes on the computer, no new e-mails, and not many friends online. So I just set myself on away and lay down. I looked around my room, appreciating that I didn’t need anything else really, but it still felt so lonely. Like something was missing. Something important…whatever.

I then noticed something that wasn’t placed in my room by anyone, a small letter on the floor, close to the door. I got off my bed, and looked at it. It had my name on it, in small and closely packed letters. They looked as if written quickly, and frantically. I then tore open the letter and went back to sit down.

“Dear Adam.

You probably don’t know who I am, or even why you found this letter. You don’t have to know who I am, just know that I’m in love with you, I’ve been in love with you since the first moment I saw you. I was walking along the pathway towards the dorm, unpacking on the first day of college, my parents helping me up. I saw you and you’re friends playing Frisbee, but you stood out. I don’t know why, but something about you, you’re joy, happiness, excitement, and sincerity in your emotions, I think was what I noticed at first. You were looking at your friend laughing, you jumped and caught the Frisbee and then I knew. You’re eyes shined, almost like they lit up everything, their amazing shade of green, perfect, and reflecting the light from the grass, the sun, everywhere. Everything at that time was perfect, and I’m kind of ranting now. But I’m just giving you this letter to tell you that I’m in love with you. And I can’t deal with not being able to say a word to you, I don’t have the guts, and you are obviously with someone. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry that you had to read this to understand it, and I’m sorry for causing you trouble. You don’t deserve scum like me, nobody does. Love whoever you love in this world; I want you to be happy. Goodbye.

I’m sorry,
Joey ”

‘Oh shit,’ I thought to myself, ‘he’s going to kill himself, I need to stop him.’ I dropped the letter on the floor, and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I ran do his dorm room, his keys were in the door knob. ‘Shit!’ I looked around and noticed the bathroom door down the hall was cracked open, and I could hear the water running. ‘Please be here!’

I bust open the door, ran over the the shower stall and gasped. “JOEY!”

I picked him up, he was limp under my arms. His skin was as cold as ice. I tried to get him to come around; he wasn’t responding. I checked his pulse. “DON’T DIE JOEY! PLEASE DON’T DIE!” I was screaming. I didn’t care who heard, I couldn’t let this beautiful person, this man I had come to love, die. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.

“911. What’s you’re emergency?” said the operator.
“My friend overdosed and I can’t let him die. I can’t, his pulse is very faint, and I need help.” I said through tears, tears so hot they burned my face, and made me feel terrible for not saying anything to him while I had the chance.
“Okay, what is you’re address?” the operator asked. I gave her my address of the dorm, and then told her to hurry.
“We’re sending an ambulance immediately, be advised.”

I then hung up and picked up Joey. He was soaked to the bone, freezing cold, dying, but I couldn’t help but realize how perfect he looked, how his face was perfect, how his hair was wet and hanging down into his face a bit. I needed to save him, I can’t let him die.

I brought him down to the front of the dorm, the ambulance pulling into the parking lot. I brought him over to the paramedics.

“I’m sorry we can’t allow you in the truck,” Said one of them. I thought of what to say for a moment, then I realized, I don’t care anymore, I just care about Joey.
“I’m his boyfriend, please let me ride with him. He’s all I care about right now.”

The paramedic looked at his partner, then smiled and grabbed my arm. They pulled me into the truck then sped off to the hospital.

In the truck they asked me questions like what his name was, what happened, has he shown any signs of depression before, if he had been taking medication for anything. I didn’t know the answers to these questions, so I just gave up answering, and held Joey’s hand all the way to the hospital.

They unloaded him and took him through the ER doors. I followed then up until they took him through a door and a nurse stopped me. She told me they needed to pump his stomach, and that I could see him afterward. She seated me down in the lobby, I couldn’t still believe that this had all happened because I was too damned stupid to say a word to him. To fucking scared to say anything to him. I was worthless at that moment.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I looked up at the clock, it was 7:25. It had been almost 2 hours since I’ve been here, sitting, waiting, for anything really. Just word if he is okay or not. By now the nurse knew my name. She needed to know since I had asked so if I could see him so many times.

I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t hungry, I was just worried about Joey. I couldn’t have him die, not now. I just wanted him to be okay

I looked back at the clock, it read 7:54. I then looked up and saw the nurse walking towards me. She told me I could see him now. She took me through the doors and to the room where they were keeping Joey. She opened the door and I walked inside. He looked so small, so fragile, IVs coming out of his arms, a heart monitor on his finger. His face pale and his hair, dry. He looked so fragile at that moment.

I took a chair around to the side of his bed, grabbed his hand. I felt so tired now, the weight of the day weighing down on my shoulders, the emotion subsiding. Everything was becoming dim at that moment, I took his hand and brought it to my lips and kissed it.

“Everything is going to be okay now, everything will be alright.” I leaned forward in my chair resting my head on his forearm. I could hear his chest inhale and exhale, the heart rate steadily beating, and then everything went black.