Letting go - 1. Letting go

“Adam! Come back! I can explain!”

I slammed the door behind me, tears streaming down my face as I ran away from him, Jason, my boyfriend, or should I say ex-boyfriend.

Exhausted after a long day at work, and still wet from the pouring rain outside, I had come home a few minutes too early.

How I wish my boss hadn’t let me leave early. How I wish I had stopped by to drink a beer with my coworkers down on 14^th street.

Life is like that you know? Full of regrets and “what if.” I wonder how the world would be if everyone had an undo button they could press to go back in time and change things.

My feet flew down the steps, taking me further, and further away from the apartment I had come to call home with Jason. I bumped in the old lady from two floors below us. Muttering an excuse I plowed on.

I burst in the street, out of breath, but still not far enough from the pain of treason. Turning left, I hurriedly move through the crowd of New Yorkers going home for the night. For the first time in my life I feel like a salmon going upstream, crushed by the force of the current. I grew up in New York, all I know is New York. So why do I feel like a stranger in my own town?

Why do I feel like a stranger to myself?

It’s weird you know? The sensation of not feeling anything. In my shoes I guess a lot of people would be angry or crying a literal river. Me? After the initial burst of tears, I stopped feeling. As if my heart had to steel itself. As if everything that made me who I am had been stripped from me. Like a bandage. Fast, with a sharp pain, soon dulled out.

I didn’t even know where I was at that point.

I took a couple of random turns then stepped in the first bar I could find.

“Give me the strongest thing you have,” I told the bartender.

He looked at me with the eyes of one who has seen many like me, and, with a kind smile, served me a glass of what I think was vodka (I was not an alcohol person).

Without any second thoughts I gulped it down hastily, and then motioned for a second one.

The kind bartender filled up my glass again with the clear, water-like liquid, no questions asked, and it disappeared just as quickly down my throat.

I nodded at him then took a breath.

How long did I stay like that? Who knows…

After a while, though, I looked up, and it felt like my ears had popped, you know? The sound of all the conversations in the crowded bar all came at once, filling my ears with an unbearable cacophony.

And then a miracle happened.

“You feeling all right?” the bartender asked, his voice reaching me like a lifeline tossed at a fisherman lost at sea.

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks.”

“No problem. Holler if you want anything else, but, and it’s just my opinion, you should take it easy. Try a bit of wine or a beer. You won’t regret it as much later on.”

I smile at him and thank him again before allowing myself to come back to what had happened not so long ago.

I had opened the door to my apartment, wanting to surprise Jason with my early return. What I had not expected of course was to find Lindsey, my best friend since kindergarten, with him. If only it had been just that. No. Of course they had to be naked… I don’t think I need to go into what they were doing. Not that I want to anyways -too painful.

The rest you already know.

I felt foolish, used, abused even. My best friend, with my boyfriend, I still had a hard time accepting it.

What had I done wrong?

Just yesterday, Jason and I were planning our trip to the UK for our two year anniversary that was coming up in a month. Had all this time meant nothing?

Just then my phone had started vibrating in my pocket.

“My princess,” was written in big white letters on the screen, followed by a little heart.

“Fu.. him,” I thought.

I refused the call and put my phone down. My hands were shaking now.

Anger? Yeah, that was probably it.

I signaled the bartender for another drink.

“Wine?”

I nodded my response. I didn’t really care anymore at that point.

He poured me a large glass of red wine. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down before taking in the aroma. It smelled, well, like wine I guess, I’m no expert at all… I took a sip.

Not a bad wine.

I tried to think of anything else other than Jason. My mom was coming to visit next week, that was something to look forward to I guess. Though where I would be staying next week was a mystery.

There! I had done it again, I had gone back to thinking about him, and us, or at least what it used to be.

Drinking more wine, I tried hard to change the course of my thoughts.

Work had been tough, a lot of things needed to be finished, but it had been rewarding at the end of the day. My boss almost never made any compliments, so when he had told me I had done a good job was thrilled. A few of my coworkers had even patted me on the back, as if to say:

“Congrats Adam!”

I smiled at the thought.

After finishing my wine, thanking and paying the bartender I went out in the street. It had stopped raining and a gentle breeze flowed through the busy streets of the city. I started walking towards the street, a little tipsy from the alcohol.

Looking back, the alcohol had been a mistake. But isn’t it in our nature to do self-destructive things when we’re hurt?

Somehow I wound up near Central Park. Traffic was getting lighter as the night moved on.

I had lost track of time. It was close to midnight.

Lost in my thoughts, I started crossing Eighth Avenue. I never made it.

A loud honk tore me from my inner contemplating. Two globes of merciful light were headed straight for me. I froze, welcoming them, embracing them with all of my body.

I remember flying, what a sensation, but also crashing, and then bouncing. Bouncing hurt the most.

I could feel my blood on my forehead as I laid there on the warm, wet asphalt. My body screamed to me, but my mind was… content, at peace.

I closed my eyes and let myself go.