The Tunnel Of Doubt - 4. Chapter 4

It has been 2 months since Liam and I became a couple, and the December winter was upon us. I usually find winter to be a magical time, same with Christmas, but this one was even more magical, why? Because this time I had a boyfriend, and one as amazing as Liam to celebrate with. I couldn’t wait to buy him a present, and introduce him to my family and friends back home, especially Tyler. He’s going to love Liam almost as much as me! I want to take Liam tobogganing, into a maple forest, have a snowball fight, just I wanna do everything this winter with him!

I knew from the moment I met Liam that he was special, and that if I ever did become close to him in the ways I wanted, that he would be even more special. But I didn’t expect him to be this amazing! In these two months of ‘official couple status’, Liam has made my world explode with joy! It’s just like how I read it in online fictions on the internet! The first thing Liam did after he kissed me after our unofficial first date was take me back to the dorm and answer every question I had for him. The first being how he knew I was gay.

“It came from a trick I learned in a story I read online called ‘New Kid In School’ by ‘Comicality’. This character named Cody explained how when you want to know if someone is gay, look for something most gay people would look at or pay attention to and then scan the room for the guys paying attention. Now I know it isn’t exactly 100% fool proof, but I thought what the hell and I’ll give it a try. So what I did was watch you when we were together in school or watching TV. When Zack would run on the soccer field or anything involving sports, I’d see you looking at him in more of a ‘damn I want some of those legs and ass’ way. When we watched The Walking Dead, I saw how you looked at Chandler. It wasn’t an average look, it was a ‘wow I want that Zombie killer boy’s lips on mine’ look. The final way that I confirmed it was when you fell asleep and your laptop was still open and the screen was on a Youtube video of Tyler Oakley! Hehehe”

It looked like no matter how straight we look, we still give off the signs no matter what, and it’s the keen eyed ones who pay attention and see it. The next thing I asked him was if we should come out to everyone as a couple. I wanted to just scream to the world how Liam was mine and how I loved him so much. Liam on the other hand was more reserved about that thought. We were in a CHRISTIAN boarding school after all but to be honest I thought that the environment was pretty good, I’ve become pretty good friends with the spiritual staff, and they all seemed to be nice and not like your typical conservative Christians. They always preached about love, and helping, and doing good in the world. Now I wasn’t expecting them to give out free condoms or anything, but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t lock Liam and I up if we were to be open about who we were. The students? That was another issue, sadly no matter what you’re always gonna have the bad apples that cause problems. It’s just Liam wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of losing our current friends and making any new enemies. I can’t say I blame him, and with him coming up for Christmas I wanted to know about coming out to my family. I’ve always been wanting to, and this might be the perfect time.

Again he said no.

Look, I wasn’t trying to be mean, in fact I was scared to! The closet is a safe place, but it’s also a life of restriction. It’s a life of paranoia and fear. It’s a life of self inflicted mental torture! I’d spent enough years wanting a boyfriend, but also telling myself maybe I could be healed of this sickness. Maybe it was a phase. Maybe I just need to meet the right girl. Once I accepted to myself there was no going back, I went into that sad phase, where I just didn’t wanna be around people or even be happy. Hell I didn’t even think I deserved it! I stayed like that for a long time, until one day Tyler told me that he missed me, and I realized I missed myself to. I told myself to find new interests, regain old ones, and just go out there and experience life again. I joined a few clubs at school and life was fun again, and Tyler was happy with me to. I didn’t want to be tied up and restrained in the closet anymore. I wanted to be up at the front lines with Liam!

I wish I could say Liam and I got through this predicament easily, but sadly we had lots of fights over it. In fact there was a point in time where we were fighting every few days over it! I was scared we might be close to breaking up, and I’ll tell you it terrified me! However in these fights we learned how to better understand each other and ourselves. I learned that I needed be more patient and understanding of Liam. I remember the night we made up after the last fight about it perfectly.

“Liam” I said turning over in my bed to face Liam in his. “Liam talk to me please?”

“Fine” He said turning over to face me.

“Liam, I’m sorry okay? I know I’ve said it so many times these past two weeks, but I understand now. It was wrong of me to push you so hard, and even more wrong to expect you to go by my timeline. Coming out is a personal thing, and it’s not something anyone else should make for you. And just like coming out, it doesn’t change who you are, so whether we are in the closet together or not, it doesn’t change my love for you. It’s not like I need people to know about us. It’s not like people have to know that we are together. I love you Liam, and this is OUR relationship, no one else’s, and I lost sight of that.”

He just lied there looking at me, and started to get a small smile on his face. I could barely see it in the dark, but I knew it was there. We were staring into each other’s eyes, and after two weeks of having Liam not in my bed at night, when I saw him get up to join me it felt amazing! I moved over and made room for his warm nighttime body. He lied down and entered safety of my arms being wrapped around him and I kissed him on his forehead like I always loved doing.

“I missed you.” I whispered while I nestled myself into his neck region.

“I missed you to. And I’m sorry as well. You were just trying to push me forward to move on to greater and better things out of my comfort zone. I reacted way too harshly for your intentions. I know you love me, and I love you. Whether people are picking on us or not doesn’t change that. And I know you’ll always stick by me when things get tough, and whether that’s other people or us, I know you're loyal. I’m sorry for doubting that.” I kissed him on his neck and he started laughing. It was adorable to hear him trying to stay quiet at night while not being able to resist my tongue. “Hehehe Trevor Stop, Hehehe, Trev Shhhhh,”

“Mmmm I’m not the one making the noise babe.” I groaned out and went back to licking and nibbling the side of his neck that I had for all intensive purposes claimed for myself. “Hey would it be too much to ask for make up sex? Hehehe”

Just then Liam turned over and looked at me with a grin. A grin that I knew meant he was thinking what I was thinking. I laid down and Liam got on top of me and kissed me with a deep passionate lock. My hands which had started wrapped around his naked and exposed back moved down with a nice fluent glide to his perfect butt which was only covered with his boxer briefs. I gave it a couple playful spanks while Liam’s hands were on my cheeks and giving me beautiful kisses. His lips were always perfect. I slid my hands down under the elastic fabric covering into the tight crevice and glided my hand to his tight opening. When he felt the shock of it he pushed down onto me and his hole clamped shut. He gasped at my speed, because usually we take a bit longer to get to that point.

“Hehehe what? We haven’t done this in 2 weeks! What did ya expect?” I said and grabbed his head and brought him back down to kiss.

I pushed back up and flipped our positions so that I was on top now and I started grinding on his thighs. The feeling started to get so intense I couldn’t even focus on kissing because I needed to breathe! I had decided that clothing was becoming a hindrance now and kissed my way down Liam’s smooth stomach and belly button, and pulled down his covering which caused his fully stiff and ready member to bounce into position. I slid his briefs right down his legs and took mine off as well. I began to kiss and lick his thighs which caused Liam to squirm with delight and lightly moan. It smelled like heaven where I was, and the feeling of his smooth skin on my face was even better. I started to kiss around his smooth pubic region and used my hands to play with both of his nipples. Pinching and pushing them making them become stiff and erect.

“Ohhhhhh fuck Trevor stop teasing. Mmmmm” He moaned out.

“Hehehe, what is it babe? Who’s the one rushing things now?” I eventually gave into temptation and did as he requested.

I’m pretty sure you get the picture from here. Point is Liam and I had a lot of fun that night, hehehe. When we woke up again we were together, fully connected, and not a single grudge was being held. Life was perfect again. At least it was.

“All students please report to the auditorium for an emergency assembly” Came over the PA system. Liam and I grunged our way out of bed and got dressed. I wrapped myself around him from behind and sniffed in his morning scent at his neck while kissing his cheek.

“Hehehe babe stop it” He giggled out, “We gotta keep our composure for this emergency thing.”

“What? Don’t think we enough time for a fast one?”

“I wish! But emergencies are super strict about attendance and punctuality. I don’t want to get in trouble and destroy my perfect record on account of a sexy boy.” I started kissing his neck now, “Hehehe come on Trev.”

“Reeeeeelaaaaaaax”

“All students please report to the auditorium right now!” Blasted over the PA again

“Does that answer your urge now?”

“Fiiiiiine” I let out with obvious disappointment.

We made our way out of the dorm and caught up with Ryan, David, and Zack when they were on their way. “Hey wait up you guys! We both said as we ran up to them. “Do any of you know what this is about?” I asked

“Not a clue.” David said

“I heard from some people in my history class that apparently the headmaster and all the principals are super pissed.” Zack said.

I gulped at what this could be about. Where there people sneaking in drugs that got busted? I had no idea! The halls were packed full of zombie-like kids as if it were a pack of sardines. 8:00am emergencies aren’t the best time for a lively audience, I hoped they realized that. We all made our way to some seats at the middle and sat down.

It must have of been 30 minutes of people still making there way here, that we all made our theories as to what was happening. I said it was drugs. Liam said a dorm was searched and some porn was found. David thinks it’s sex related, to which Liam and I giggled at. I hope it didn’t sound like a guilty giggle. Ryan said it was because of a ‘lack of faith displayed among the students’.

“Alright alright alright, listen up!” Our vice principal announced at the podium over the microphone. “Thank you all for coming on such short notice. It appears we have noticed a horrible sickening behaviour taking place in our dorms.” I began to get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. “As a Catholic school we are expected to follow the laws and the teachings of the church, and it pains me to announce we have failed our lord.” Just get to it already! Jeez how long is he gonna dance around it! “The bible teaches us that SEX is a loving exchange between a husband and a wife.” Oh god? David was right! “And it sickens me to hear that this grievous act is taking place with MULTIPLE sins happening at the same time!” No way Nope. I don’t believe it! It’s NOT us! It CAN’T be! “The bible says a ‘A man shall not lie with a man as with a woman for it is an abomination!’. So I want to know why I hear of two boys in a relationship at this school! I want to know WHO, and WHERE this is taking place! I want to know WHY you chose to disobey our lord! I want to know! And to make sure this NEVER happens again, the staff are implementing new procedures and policies.” I can’t believe it! It can’t be Liam and I he knows about though! No!

“The first thing, all dorms will now be inspected before bedtime with lights out at 12:00am sharp! All staff will be given walk in access whenever they deem necessary, and will also inspect dorm rooms in the morning at 7:00am sharp!” Well….there goes Liam and mine’s chances. “Next, excursion passes will be suspended except for cases of medical or family emergencies.” What? Now we can’t even go on dates either!? I could live without the sex! But dates!? God damn it! “Finally. There will be a cash reward for any students who find out the names of the students involved in this sickening relationship! And any student caught with knowledge of this happening and doesn’t come forward will be punished!” He paused and looked around the auditorium. “Dismissed”

We all got up filled our way out of the auditorium and went back the dorm. Liam was walking in his walk that I knew he was angry. Except, I wasn’t sure if he was angry at me though. We got inside and he shut the door and that’s when I got it. “Alright! Tell me! You agreed with me, we made up, and now I find out you snaked me and told someone about us! Fuck you Trevor!”

“Excuse me!? I did no such thing! If I did why would I make up to you and admit I was wrong? I was pushing YOU to come out, I NEVER said I would make that decision for you and just do it without telling you!”

“I don’t care what you say! There is NO WAY he would have found out about us unless it was you!”

“Really Liam? You think we aren’t obvious? Ha! How does it look when we go out together hmmmm? You talk about us going out to dinner and dances and stuff like it’s no big deal! You act like other people don’t see it for what it really is! It’s GAY Liam! Face it! WE ARE GAY! And We act like it! It’s no secret anymore!”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I KNOW you blabbed! We aren’t obvious!” He was getting really fired up about this! It was starting to scare me, “FUCK you Trevor! We are DONE! That’s IT! I NEVER want to see you EVER!” He picked up his bag and started stuffing in some clothes of his.

“Where are you going?” Socks, boxers, shirts, pants, “Liam, wait!” I grabbed his arm and then he snapped it away. He walked into the bathroom and took his shampoo, body wash, toothbrush, and toothpaste and threw it into his bag. Next came his school supplies, followed by his laptop and XBOX. “Liam please! Where are you going? We need to talk this through!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP” He screamed at me and kicked me in the chest. I fell over and screamed out in pain, and started coughing. “I HATE you Trevor! I FUCKING HATE YOU! You RUINED my life! I can NEVER talk to our headmaster or priest or anyone EVER again in the same way!”

I laid there on the floor and curled up into a ball as I cried from both emotional and physical pain. Why won’t he believe me? My eyes were a teary mess when I heard the door shut behind him. I prayed that he was gonna go crash in Ryan’s room or somewhere and I could talk to him in the morning. And anyway, we have math together, so he can’t avoid me forever. But I guess the Christmas plans are off though I guess eh? I Swear when I find out who told our headmaster about us, I’m going to beat the living shit out of them for ruining my relationship with my one love!

I woke up the next morning and noticed the empty room more than ever. I was alone. All alone. There wasn’t a sound in the room apart from my breathing and the natural ambient noise. Morning inspection was about to happen and I had to show that I wasn’t up to ‘no good’ like the teenage delinquent I apparently am. I put on my house coat and sat in my chair. The door was knocked on 3 times followed by a teacher, “Trevor, Liam, morning inspection!” The door swung open and a teacher I’ve never met before entered. “You are?”

“Trevor Sir.”

“Where is Liam?”

“No Idea Sir. He left last night.”

“Any idea why?”

“We had a fight.”

“I see...Well I’ll be back if I find him. Have a nice Sunday.”

He left the room and I walked into the bathroom for my morning shower. Perfect time to go over my thoughts right? Just as I turned on the fan the door opened again. I turned around and opened the bathroom door again. It was Liam!

“LIAM!”

“Don’t talk to me fucking backstabber!” Well clearly a night of rest didn’t help him. I followed him into the room and saw him looking around.

“Can I help you find something?”

“I’ve had enough of your help in my life thank you very much!” Geez why does he have to be so snotty? I DIDN’T do or say whatever he’s thinking! Why can’t he just trust me on this! Agh!

“Liam I-”

“SHUT UP!” He walked over to his bedside table and opened the drawer and pulled out something and put it into his pocket. “I’m moving out!”

“Um, may I ask where?”

“No you may not! If I have somewhere away from you, I don’t want you finding out! Stay away from me!” He turned around and left through the door with a louder then needed shutting. I was alone. Again.

I walked downstairs into the common room area and saw Ryan. I figured him and I are close enough, maybe he could make me feel better. I walked over to him and tapped him on his shoulder as he was watching a movie on the 50’’ TV. “Hey, what ya watching?”

“The Day After Tomorrow. It’s an awesome movie!” I sat down next to him and I guess he could sense the awkwardness. “So, Liam stayed with me last night.”

“He did?”

“Yep, apparently you backstabbed him about something.”

“And I suppose you believe him?”

“I did at first just so he’d calm down but honestly I don’t believe it. You don’t seem like that type. Hell I’M more likely to backstab someone and I haven’t done it yet.” I looked at him and smiled. “But I do want to know what caused this.” Uh oh. Looks like it’s lying time.

“Trust me Ryan. It’s better if you don’t know.”

“So it IS true!” He said with a surprised look on his face. “I thought you guys were a bit too close for ‘just friends’. Oh Trevor, I’m so sorry. Your secret is safe with me though.”

I just sat there pale as a ghost unable to even grasp what I heard. Ryan knew? How long? Why didn’t he tell us? “Ryan...I-”

“Nope! I didn’t tell anyone about my suspicions. Although I did have trouble sleeping at night thinking about the things you two were doing hehehe” He regained his composure “Oh woops..I-I didn’t mean anything bad about that. Honest.”

“What did you tell Liam last night?”

“Well after he calmed down I said that if he had anything else to tell me that I was here for him. I left it at that. I didn’t wanna push.”

Ryan and I continued to talk about this and that. Nothing major. I think he could tell how hurt I actually was inside. Good god he only saw the half of it though! I felt like I was made of glass and my insides were shattered to pieces and were slowly tearing me apart and killing me from the damage. The only thing holding me together was the weak elastic skin covering on my outside. Liam hated me. He actually hated me! I don’t think I can live with seeing him this upset with me. I can’t go on without him knowing I love him and never would hurt him, much less cause him to get in trouble. Why oh why can’t he understand this! I just want Liam to come down that elevator and say we can talk it out without it turning into yelling. I want to tell him everything and have him believe me. I need him to!

“Hey Ryan” I said as we were lying down now. Him on the couch, and me on the sofa chair.

“Hm?”

“Do you think you could do me a favour?”

“Depends. What is it?”

“I need you to get Liam to talk to me. That’s it. Just talk to me. Do you think you can convince him to?”

“I don’t know Trevor. I don’t think he’ll be calm enough for that. That’s why I’m down here afterall.”

“Can you take me to your room. Please?”

“I don’t kn-”

“Please Ryan! You don’t know how much I’m hurting here! I feel like the world is falling apart and I’m the only one who can stop the self destruction timer from reaching zero! You gotta help me! Please! I’m begging you!”

“Well yea but-”

“All I need is to talk to him! TALK! It’s not that hard!”

“F-Fine...But don’t say I didn’t warn you when everything goes south!” We back up in the elevator and got off at Ryan’s floor. He was the lucky one who didn’t have an actual roommate, so it made perfect sense why Liam came here. “You ready?” He asked me. I nodded and he opened the door and walked in. “Yo what up bro!” He said to Liam who was lying on the other bed pouting into the pillow.

“I thought you said I was-” Liam said turning over and noticing me standing beside Ryan. “What are YOU doing here? I said I NEVER wanted to see you again!”

“Bro. Trev here just wants to talk to you that’s all.”

“He can talk his way right back to HIS room if he wants. He’s not welcomed here.”

“Well you’re forgetting whose room it is! If you don’t wanna talk to Trev, fine but you’re not gonna be able to stay here unless you do.”

“Fuck you Ryan. Fuck you. I thought you were a friend!”

I stepped in and taking the fire off of Ryan. He’s done enough without having to suffer any major consequences for helping me. “Liam, I didn’t tell anyone.”

“OH SHUT UP WITH YOUR PATHETIC LYING!” Liam said as he got up and to face me. He walked over to and stood what must of been 2 feet from my face. “I want to hurt you sooo bad right now Trevor. I want to hurt you so much you can only feel a fraction of what I feel. You think that kick last night hurt? Just imagine hiding a secret for so long for fear of persecution and rejection.” He paused and then flashed his finger in the air and began to walk away again, “Oh that’s right you DO know what it feels like. But that doesn’t matter. You let your desire for shoving our private affairs down people’s throats get the better of you. You just HAD to be running around with a rainbow cape on it seemed.” He started to cry near the window “I loved you Trevor. I loved you and it was our little secret, it was our love to have and to flourish...but you needed more! You weren’t happy with us being private! You couldn’t handle it anymore! So you caved and told. And now I can NEVER walk the halls of school again. LOOK AT THIS!” He took out his phone and run to me and shoved it in my face. I grabbed it so I could actually read what it said. “Go on! Read it!”

“It says...it says…” I swallowed “It says, ‘cock sucking faggot’”

“How else would I have gotten this message unless it was you!!!” I went over all the possibilities and I couldn’t come to a conclusion. Hell if I didn’t know better I would blame myself to. There just wasn’t an explanation for this. None. I had been worked into a corner and I had no hope of being freed. I dipped my head down in shame. “That’s right! Feel bad! You should! I hate you Trevor!” He started sobbing again on his bed and I wanted to leave again. I walked towards the exit and said thanks to Ryan for letting me try anyway.

“I’m sure there is another explanation for this Trevor. Keep your head up.” He whispered to me. I mustered up a fake smile and said thanks again. I walked back up to my room and lied down in bed. I started to do something that I have never done in a long time. I prayed. I figured I hadn’t any hope without some form of divine intervention. And boy did I need it. But I was alone. And no God is gonna help a ‘cock sucking faggot’.