The Tunnel Of Doubt - 5. Chapter 5

A Few weeks have passed and Liam was still avoiding me. Every attempt to talk to him was met with vicious threats or actual physical and emotional hurt. I was so alone. Christmas break was literally two days away. I just had these last assignments to do and then I was out of here for two weeks. I wish Liam was still coming with me, but the odds of that happening is zero. In fact, you know what? It’s been this long and he still doesn’t believe me. Fuck him! I’m done crying over him. I’m done moping around for a boy that just fling me off just like that. If he truly loved me like he said he would wanna work through this. He wouldn’t just cut me out just like that. He would put effort into fixing this shit! I’d have busting my ass for WEEKS trying to explain myself and get us back together but he has no interest in that or even being an adult and being mature about this! Like I said fuck him!

I have better shit to focus on. I got school work to do and I don’t need a relationship dragging me down. I don’t need that stupid ball and chain around my ankle anymore. I’m free! You hear that! Trevor Johnson is finally FREE from all this emotional dilemma. If Liam wants to work on things, that’s HIS call. I’m done trying. I’m done going huge distances out of my way just to have the door shut in my face. It gets tiresome you know? Haven’t you ever gone so far out your way to help someone and they just don’t care, and even hate you for it? Whatever. Like I said I’m done!

This Law project was needing my attention more than stupid Liam. Okay Trevor, focus on what’s important and in front of you. Okay first question:

Why is law important or detrimental to Canadian society? Explain using specific references to real world examples.

Okay. This seems like a good question. Lets see what I can create:

Law is important to Canadian Society because…

Oh what’s the use? I can’t focus. Are you happy now Liam? Fuck you! You’re gonna make me get a zero on an assignment before Christmas break. I can’t believe it. Why did he have to do this? I don’t deserve this! Why should my academic performance suffer because he jumps to conclusions and won’t listen to me? As I was stewing over this dilemma my phone got a text message. It read:

How many dicks you sucked today fag?

Well fuck you to! WHY are people so horrible? What did I even do to this guy to deserve that? My phone continued to vibrate text message after text message from various people:

Gonna go to the fag parade?

I hope Headmaster Benedict expels your queer ass from here

You make Math Class so sluty

It couldn’t take it anymore and threw my phone against the wall to which it made a loud smash sound. I started breathing so animalistically, I became more in tune with myself, I stared at my broken phone and the dent in the wall with a rebellious high. Did you get what you want Liam? Look what’s happening to me! If you had just believed me you could here and we could be supporting each other. but instead you abandoned me! Did you even love me? I bet not, otherwise you wouldn’t have broken up with me so easily. I lied down in my bed and started punching the pillow as if it was every enemy I have ever known. I felt my surge of strength. I felt powerful! But I couldn’t stop, this was just starting. Or at least it was until my door was knocked on.

I angrily walked over to it and opened it up. It was Zack. This was certainly a surprise.

“Um...hey. I um….heard what’s going around.”

“Of course you did. EVERYONE’S heard “

“So...is it true?”

“What’s true? That I’m a fag? That I suck dick?” I was starting to let my anger out on Zack. It wasn’t fair to him, so I apologized. “Look I’m sorry Zack. This whole thing just pisses me off.” Eventually I let him in and we sat down on the bed together. I didn’t think Zack was a comforting person, as usually he was pretty reserved and kept to himself when it came to emotion stuff, but for some reason he found it in him to be the guy I needed at that moment.

“Look Trevor, I know we haven’t gotten as close as I’ve wanted, and that’s my fault for being as anxious and shy as I am, but I came here to change that.”

“What do you mean?”

Just then he pushed me back on the bed and dropped himself onto me and kissed me! I was so shocked that I couldn’t even grasp what was happening. I was conflicted between enjoying the soft smooth feeling of Zack’s lips against mine with his freshly shaven face that smelled of aftershave, or pushing him off of me and getting some answers. He worked his hands up the side of my face and pushed himself down onto me, and then my animal inside was released. I no longer was thinking or controlling my actions. I let out a moan and wrapped my arms around Zack’s back and pulled him down on me. I started pulling Zack’s hoodie off of him and he stopped the kiss only long enough to whip it off and throw it across the room and drop back down on me.

I started to get a pulse of energy in me that almost felt like anger, Liam ran away from me when things got tough, and Zack was here and came to me KNOWING things were tough. That was when I wanted to give Zack the most passion I had to offer. I know it still wouldn’t be enough, but it was a start.

I pushed him off of me and sat up on my knees and pushed him down. I whipped off my T-Shirt and pulled Zack’s off to. I dropped down and kissed him so hard that it put most porn video's I’ve seen to shame. Zack’s chest and stomach felt so smooth on mine. I began to grind him as hard as I fucking could and we both were really getting to it. I stopped to undo our pants and kick them off and went right back to doing it. Zack had now wrapped his arms around my neck and was looking right into me with an approving smile and breathing that told me I was rubbing the right spots on his thighs.

I wanted to orgasm right then and there from the feeling of Zack’s legs. They were soooo smooth, like they were actually hairless. It felt amazing on me. Eventually I took off our final layer of clothing and exposing us completely skin to skin. Which I took full advantage of.

I don’t want to get into much more detail than that but I could tell you we were practically like animals! There is just something so amazing when someone taps into that hidden reservoir you have of raw mind blowing rough passion! I knew my feelings for Liam played a huge role in what I did though, they say angry sex is sometimes your best sex, it’s when you let go of most of your limits and completely go right at it. I can tell you this right now, THIS was my best sex. Was it love? No, sadly it wasn’t. I wasn’t really expecting it to be though. Did I want it to be love? I don’t think I wanted that either. To be perfectly completely honest, I think Zack allowed me to let off a lot of this pent up rage. I have been so frustrated with everything involving Liam, the messages, and just the whole world that I completely went all out with this event. The sad part, is once you let all your anger go you start to see things through a different perspective. Is it the right perspective? Who’s to say, but it was different. You see...Right now, as I was cuddled up with Zack barely able to keep my eyes open, softly kissing the back of his neck I was hit with something like a huge brick was thrown at my face.

I wanted Liam back.

And then I was conflicted again. Zack really was a nice boy. He was sweet, cute, smart, loyal, and dare I say more loyal than Liam, and he had optimism. He inspired me in so many ways to see the good in things. But what if I’m just thinking this because of the sex? Should sex really change my opinion of someone that much? Should I go from a crush to love because of sex? Do I even love Zack? And what about Liam? Before this sex I could have punched him in the face but now if he were to knock on my door I’d wanna hug him, but then I’d feel bad because of Zack.

Oh what kind of fucking mess did I have to get myself into?

“Trevor” Zack said in between pants

“Hm?”

“Tell me right now, please, so I know where we stand. Your face is littered with looks of regret, but I couldn’t be more happy if I tried. Do we have a feeling gap here?”

I explained to him everything, I cried, smiled while seeing happy memories, and even raised my voice during my more angry feelings. The thing that hurt me the most though, was seeing how genuinely hurt Zack was. How hurt I made him feel by using him as a temporarily escape from my problems. How I used him as a feel good quick way of avoiding my sadness and shattered insides. But yet even after I was done, I was still holding on to him, still softly rubbing his arms, and still kissing his shoulders. I still liked Zack and didn’t want to let him go. Maybe it was my desire to not be alone. Perhaps it was my happiness of being with someone that was skewing my vision so that I couldn’t see the right thing anymore. Whatever the case may be, I had really worked myself into an even more impossible situation.

“Trevor, I can’t do this. I can’t. Lying here with you, but knowing your mind wants someone else, or thinks it wants someone else, I can’t do that. I have real feelings for you Trevor, and I don’t want to toy with them and have them broken if we were to make something real and then somehow Liam is presented as an opportunity again and you drop me like a spare lint in your pocket.” He got up from my hold and got dressed. He looked at me, flashed me a small smile and said, “I hope everything works out for you, but I can’t be a science experiment of yours to test your options on.”

He walked out and I was alone again. AGAIN. Should I just be single and move on from Liam? Should I move on and explore opportunities with Zack? Should I try AGAIN to talk with Liam?

I got dressed and decided what was there to lose? If Liam shuts the door in my face again I’ll know he’s actually done with me and I can move on, if he doesn’t and lets me in, than I’ll know I have a chance! I walked downstairs to Ryan’s room and knocked. When Ryan answered he kind of just silently allowed me to step inside and mentioned he’d be down in the common room. I nodded and walked in and saw Liam lying down on his bed.

“TREVOR? What the FUCK? Get OUT!”

“We need to talk. We HAVE to.”

“Oh, you wanna talk?” He said with passive aggressiveness, “Fine. Talk.” He got out of the bed and walked over to me.”

“I was getting messages this morning.” I explained to him him what the messages said, and my phone getting broken when I threw it, “Liam, you accused me of betraying you. Why do you think I would do that if I knew I’d be getting messages like that myself?”

“Well how should I know if you think things through?”

“Because I’m weak.” I said looking down at the floor with shame. “I’m weak and can’t handle it”

“NO! You are NOT going to play victim here and make me feel bad for you. How DARE you use my empathy for your gain? You selfish fucking prick! You KNOW if you tell me a sob story I’ll fall right back into your arms again. You have to explain to me WITH EVIDENCE and REASON as to why I should even give you a second chance. And not to mention I can’t even trust you! I still think you're lying! You haven’t proven me wrong yet!”

“Please Liam! Please! You HAVE to believe me.” I was crying again, “I made so many mistakes in the past but hurting you on purpose was NOT one of them!”

“Who says it was on purpose!? I said you CAVED AND TOLD someone about us! I NEVER said you intentionally wanted people to bully me!”

“BUT I DIDN’T TELL!”

“Just go Trevor. Just go”

He had shut me out again. I couldn’t believe it. He doesn’t LISTEN! “No, I’m not going! What will it take from me to prove it?”

“Trevor Stop. You don’t want to press this further. Trust me.”

“I do. I will pressure you until you tell me what I can do.”

“There’s no going back once you hear it.”

“Hear what? What the fuck are you telling me here?” He was looking away from me now, towards the window as if he had something to hide. “Liam.” I said walking towards him, “What are you not telling me?”

“Stop” He softly said

“Tell me.” I was getting so close to him now, I could wrap my arms around him if I wanted to. “Liam.”

“There is only one more chance you have to go and save yourself.” He was biting his lip. This had to be serious.

Just then our school priest walked inside through the door, “Alrighty than” He said and looking up seeing the two of us, “Liam? Who’s your friend?”

“Trevor. This is Trevor.”

“So this is Trevor! Pleasure to meet you formally.” He said sticking out his hand for me to shake. “Will you be joining us today?”

“Joining for what?”

“Well on the journey through life.” Liam was looking outside the window completely trying to remove himself from the situation, “Liam came to me the day before the emergency assembly to join my youth group, and told us about how he was feeling in your relationship and how he wasn’t sure what to do.”

“Oh” I said, I felt like I had an atomic bomb dropped on me. Liam broke up with me because it was his plan. All of lying was bullshit! He KNEW I was innocent, but he didn’t care! It was all an act so he could move on! “I have to go.” I turned myself towards the door and ran out of the room to head back to my room. I felt my anger coming back and the tears, and everything I felt earlier today. I got to the elevator and when I got inside it Zack was inside it as well.

“Hey, woah what happened?”

“Please” I said, and got choked up, “I need you”

“Sure...whatever you need.”

We got inside my room and exploded on him, “Liam made the WHOLE thing up!”

“What? Are you sure you heard right?”

“I DID!” I explained what the priest said, how Liam went to him before the assembly and was in Father George’s youth club, and how Liam told everyone there. Then how he blamed it on me.”

“What an asshole!” Zack put both of his hands on my shoulders, “Trevor, listen to me. I know I’m biased, but please don’t go back to Liam! He’s caused you so much hurt, and I’m RIGHT here. I will NEVER hurt you like that.You deserve someone so much better!”

Did he had any idea how I felt right now? I just heard what I heard, and he’s already hitting on me? FUCK Love! I’d much rather be alone than EVER have ANYTHING like that happen again. For all I’m concerned Zack can go fuck himself, and Liam can go die by a vampire bite! Clearly it was a mistake asking Zack to come with me, but it was an even BIGGER mistake loving Liam! I told Zack to get out and put on some of the most anti-love songs I had! He lied to me! He LIED to me! HE LIED TO ME! HEEEE LIIIIEEEEED TOOOOOO MEEE!!!!!!!!! FUCK you Liam! I hate you! I HATE you!

I was throwing around every blanket, pillow, towel, clothing item, anything that was soft and wouldn’t break I was throwing around. Seeing the mess I made was fueling my fire. Envisioning everything Liam ever said or did to me fueled my path of destruction. ‘I love you Trevor’, ‘I wanted tonight to be magical’, ‘A night to remember’,

AHHHHGGGG!!! I kicked over the mattress on Liam’s old bed, and then Picked up the matress on my bed and through it towards the other side of the room. I started jumping up and down on the floor screaming. I was so intoxicated with my temper tantrum that I hadn’t noticed the door open, two teachers came in and tackled me to the ground.

“TREVOR! THAT’S ENOUGH!” I fought. I fought with every muscle I had, every twist I could make, every push I could shove, but it was no use. I gave up and just started crying out the remainder of my energy. “Shhhh it’s okay son. It’s okay.” The one teacher was rubbing my back as the other one released his grip of my hands and got up to take a look at the damage I had caused.

“We’re lucky you only used fabric. What were you thinking Trevor!?”

I didn’t answer. I just cried my eyes out, and eventually was escorted to my vice principal’s office. It was the walk of shame I tell you, in the moment I felt alive and powerful, and now the only thing I can see I caused is a wake of destruction that other people have to repair.

“Trevor, I don’t know what to say. I thought you were a bright student. I would understand if this might have happened early in the school year, but now? Why did you feel the need to do this?” I sat in the chair and just stared at the floor. I didn’t feel like talking to the man who sees me going to hell anyway. “Answer me young man! This instant!” Still nothing came out of me. “Son, do I have to call your parents?” Whatever, I’d have a better chance explaining to them probably. After I stayed silent he eventually gave in, “Alright that’s it. You are going to spend the night with Ryan. I’ll have him sent to your room, and you will repair your room Trevor. Dismissed.”

I got up and went back. I opened the door and once again saw my mess. It wasn’t too bad but it certainly wasn’t pretty either. I picked up the mattresses and put them back on the beds, put my clothes, and the towels away. Made the beds with the blankets and pillows, and sat down. Eventually Ryan come into my room after a teacher escort which also served as my night inspection. Once he was satisfied we were alone.

“Trev Dude. Liam told me what Father George said. He feels so bad.”

“He Feels bad!!!!???” I quickly regained myself, “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about Liam.” I went straight to bed very angry. I knew soon would be Christmas break, and I knew that meant I was alone. But better alone, than with a fucking fraud!