Sonata for Siggi - 3. Andante con moto

1^st September, 1999

School teach music and celo nice sound i wana learn.

Celo is nice feels good. I will play lots of celo and be real good and all that.

Teecher say I play nice too. Dad dont like it but teecher say its gud so dad say ok if I only play at skul. I wana play everyday!

17^th June, 2000

Im 7 today.

Asked nurse if been a boy can make me stronger nurse said I was a very strong girl already but my broken nose hurt allot and I dont feel strong.

18^th June, 2000

Asked dad if he wanted me to be a boy and dad said he wanted a strong child like anyone but me.

Dad said Im week and have to stop stupid questions.

20^th December, 2000

Dad is going away tomorrow. Dad made me eat 2 sandwiches. My head hurts and tummy feels funny.

Im with the nurse. Dad wont be here until next year going to warm places that I cant go because Im two weak and sik.

25^th December, 2000

Nurse got me a dress for Xmas. I dont like the dress. The nurse is nice. The dress suks. I don’t wanna make the nurse angry.

16^th January 2001

Dad is back Im going home got a present for me.

17^th January, 2001

Present was dads belt. I shouldnt be sik when he has holidays I shouldnt get in the way of his life. Im week Im sik Im patetik. Dad hates me. Dad doesnt like my new dress either. Said they move too much and show too much. I dont know what he means.

My leg is going black. Its ugly and it hurts alot.

17^th June, 2001

I’m 8 today.

Dad told everyone dresses and skirts make me sik. I didn’t get any for my birthday. Everyone says their sad for me cause I can’t wear dresses anymore. But I like it. Should I feel sad too?

23^rd September, 2001

Stupid Addi put gum in my hair at school. Dad cut my hair very short. Said he will keep it short cause I’m too much trouble. Dad was angry. He made me tell the nurse Addi gave me the black eye too.

11^th November, 2001

Short hair is ok. Dad can’t grab it when his angry. A woman thought I was a boy. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t.

13^th November, 2001

At school everyone says I look like a boy like it’s a bad thing. Teacher says I’m a beeutiful girl. It bothers me more then what the others say.

24^th December, 2001

Told dad my nose felt funny and bloked and I couldnt breat. Dad said I have to stop complaning and getting in the way of his holiday. Im with the nurse again. Dad told her I fell on the snow and broke my nose.

17^th June, 2002

I’m 9 today. Nurse said it’ll be a few more days before I can get out. I’m allergic to L-A-T-E-X and H-Y-D-R-O-X-Y-E-T-H-Y-L-C-E-L-L-U-L-O-S-E. Who makes up those names?

Asked nurse if I could be a boy for my birthday. She said it was weird, but said ok. She called me ‘Siggi’. I felt weird. But I think I like it.

22^nd June, 2002

Nurse told dad about ‘Siggi’. Dad asked why I did it. I said I wanted to see what it was like. Dad said to stop the nonsense. Can’t write much. Arm hurts.

25^th June, 2002

Dad gave me lots of dolls. Never got so many. I have pink bed covers. Dad wants me to have more girl friends. I want to puke.

27^th June, 2002

Dad got a new friend for me. Sól has a pink dress and can make muffins. I don’t like her. Dad says she’s my new best friend.

23^rd December, 2002

Sól’s mum took us to put make-up for Xmas party. My face got all red and I couldn’t breath. I think it’s the first time I’m happy being allergic. Make-up is ugly.

24^th December, 2002

I felt very sick in the morning. Got a fever. Body hurts. At least I’m already in hospital. Dad can’t be angry at me this time, I think.

10^th January, 2003

I’m home again. Dad said to stop been sick on Christmas. My body is weak and sick and I’m a bad child. Dad said it’s my fault he doesn’t like me. I make his life difficult. He would be happier if I wasn’t born. Dad said mum left because I was too much trouble. He wants to leave me too. I should be gratful he hasn’t. Dad hates me, but his a good person because he takes care of me even though I’m horrible.

22^nd March, 2003

Doctor said I’m too small. Dad wants me to grow more. I have to get fat. Sól wants to teach me to make sweets, but I’m always allergic to them. I don’t like food.

17^th June, 2003

I’m 10 today. Sól made gluten free muffins, but they had nuts. She had to eat all of them.

Sól said we should share secrets. Sól said she saw her mum and dad playing naked in their room. I said I wanted to be a boy. Hope she doesn’t tell dad.

16^th August, 2003 [written 10^th November]

Took the cello home for 1^st time cause I want to play more. Dad didn’t like it. Dad said I’m too weak to do anything nice and I should stop the nonsense. I didn’t want to stop. Dad got very angry and scary. He got my hands and pulled and pushed my fingers until they clicked and hurt allot and turned to weird angles and I couldn’t move them.

Dad told me to tell the nurse the boys at my school did it. The nurses like dad. Dad always tells them how much trouble I am and they feel sorry for him. They think I’m a burden too.

13^th November, 2003

I don’t want to stop cello. Teacher said I could play at her house after school. Dad won’t notice I’m getting home later. He’s always working late anyway.

25^th December, 2003

Almost didn’t get sick this year. Sól invited me to her house for Christmas. Then the smoked lamb made me sick. I think it was the seasoning.

17^th June, 2004

I’m 11 today. Sól gave me two gifts. She gave me a doll in front of dad. She gave me a toy car when dad wasn’t looking. Sól said I can be her secret boy friend. Siggi is my name.

30^th June, 2004

Dad found my car. Dad told the nurse I ran against a fence. My tummy hurts a lot and is all black and blue. Nurse said I was lucky and should be more careful next time.

I’m not seeing Sól again.

1^st August, 2004

Dad got me a new best friend. Her name is Anna. She really likes god. And Jesus. And being mummy to her dolls.

17^th June, 2005

I’m 12. Teacher gave me a cello. Dad couldn’t refuse it, but said I can’t play at home.

Can’t stand Anna. Ran away from my party. Guy in the park thought I was a boy. Told him my name is Siggi.

20^th June, 2005

Got hurt for running away. Guy from park found me again. Said I should be more careful. Like I didn’t know.

22^nd June, 2005

Anna is bragging about being grown-up. Like bleeding from there is a good thing. She wants to have 3 kids and a dog. Ugh. Dad thinks I’m taking too long to grow up. I’m still short and I look like a kid. At least he didn’t do anything about it.

10^th August, 2005 [written 5^th October]

Told guy from the park to come in when dad wasn’t home. Hid all girly things. He thought I was a boy and called me Siggi and we played card games. Dad got home early.

Dad tried to break my cello. Said I was too stupid to deserve playing it. I yelled at him and hit him. He can hurt me, but not my cello. So he forgot about the cello and broke my wrists instead.

1^st June, 2006

Doctor is worried about my non-puberty. All my school classmates have boobs and periods and bras and I hate it all. I don’t need any of that yet, and I like it that way.

Dad thinks it’s another proof of my failure. I can’t grow any taller, I can’t get fatter. My body is horrible. I don’t like my body. I don’t want it.

15^th June, 2006

Dad is always angry. I don’t know what I did, but he’s always angry at me. And he makes sure my body knows how angry he is too.

17^th June, 2006

I’m 13. I’m scared.

1^st October, 2006

I hate my body. My body hates me. I don’t belong in it. There’s too much wrong. I’m sick. I’m weak. And I can’t stop thinking I should’ve been a boy.

25^th March, 2007

Confirmation day. At least I don’t have enough hair for the stupid hairdos they make the girls wear, and I’m free of make-up because of blessed allergies. Dad still forced me in a dress under the white robes. It feels horrible and wrong. The girls made fun of me all day long.

I don’t believe anything I learned in all the religious classes that led to today. I have already forgotten the chapter of the Bible they made me memorise. If God exists, he’s as horrible as dad. I don’t need 2 of those in my life.

17^th June, 2007

I’m 14. Still want to be a guy. I don’t think it is just because I hate my sick body. It’s something else. Something to do with the way ‘Siggi’ sounds so right compared to a name I can’t even repeat, much less write.

I’m not telling anyone. Can’t risk dad hearing about it again.

One good news: Anna has a boyfriend. She doesn’t want to hang around me anymore.

7^th July, 2007

New nurse in the hospital. She nodded to everything dad told her, but once we were alone, she asked me to tell her the truth. Promised she wouldn’t tell anybody else.

I told her dad forced me to eat the pizza slice so he could have his child-free holiday and leave me stuck here with stomach cramps. I told her he always does that and all the other nurses believe him when he says I do it for attention.

She asked me if it was all he did. She promised not to tell anyone. But I didn’t want to say more. If dad found out I put him in trouble, things would get really ugly.

She said parents are not supposed to hurt their children. It’s a crime. There are better places I can go.

15^th August, 2007

I lied to my cello teacher to go to the library. Found information about child abuse crime and its punishment. I can get a foster home if they take dad away. I don’t think those places can be any worse than his house.

If I’m 15 I can choose where to go or at least have a say in it. It’s 10 months away.

I wonder if I can really do this. I’m too weak and too much of a failure to do anything right. If it doesn’t work, I can’t imagine what he’ll do.

I’m scared.

28^th February, 2008

Somehow had the courage to raise my voice to dad again. Told him I didn’t want to be a girl and nothing he said would change my mind.

My whole body hurts. I’m grounded until he sees fit. He just showed me how much stronger he is. I can’t fight him.

3^rd April, 2008

It seems like I don’t just want to be a guy, but I want to fuck guys too. Imaginary God bless gay porn. I wish I could be one of those guys and be fucked by all those other guys. Fuck my useless body. Does that make me gay? If so, I’m the unluckiest gay guy in the world. I’ll die a virgin. Nobody will ever want a guy as defective as I am.

Though that would happen regardless of being a guy or gay. My existence alone makes sure of that.

31^st May, 2008

What’s wrong with me? I want to fuck everything that moves. Is that puberty coming? I haven’t started bleeding yet. My (horrible) body isn’t changing. Whatever. Learned to improvise allergy-safe fake cocks. Couldn’t care less what dad thinks, but laughed at him eating that squash. Tasted blood afterwards, but couldn’t care less. Nowadays I don’t really care much about anything, to be honest.

17^th June, 2008

I’m 15. I’m no longer in his house. I’m in hospital and it was totally worth it.

We had a fight. I’m 15. Finally. I don’t have to take his bullshit anymore. He grabbed me, dislocated my shoulder and smashed my head against the wall. But I ran. I had enough. I ran straight to the police with just my cello and notebook in hand.

I told them everything. All the times he hurt me. All the things he did, and how he made me cover for him all this time. I have proof of it in my own body and in those pages.

I won’t be in the hospital for long. The police will talk to all the nurses. They’ll tell my cover stories. They always believed him. I dare hope they’ll change once they learn the truth.

All that I have left is the thought that the hell I’m going to can’t be worse than the hell I just left.

19^th June, 2008

Just arrived at the new foster home. The guy is a professional violinist. I want to test him. If this is going to be hell, I want to know from the start. I’ll tell him I’m really a guy, that my name is actually Siggi, and that I masturbate on any available surface. If he doesn’t like it, I have a reason to get away quicker.

“Thank you for showing me these notes, Siggi. Does that mean I passed your test?” Arnar held my notebook in his hands. Crying.

“I didn’t think it would be possible, but I guess you did.” He was not the only one with wet trails down his cheeks.

“I’m glad. You have really become like a son to me. I love you, Siggi.”

“I don’t think my father ever said that to me.

“Then let me be your father from now on.”

“Hold on, then. Let me write one last thing.”

17^th June, 2009

I’m 16. Arnar passed the test. I have a new father who calls me Siggi and says he loves me.

This hell turned out much better than expected.

And I got a dildo for a birthday present.