Via Contorta - a Stein-ish tale of lunacy in motion - 1. via contorta

There once was a boy who grew up first out in the country near a big creek and then in a small town. The boy liked living in the country near the big creek, but he also liked the new bigger house in the small town. The new bigger house in the small town had a bigger back yard with climbing trees and an apple tree and a basement with a toy room that the boy liked. But the boy was not allowed to climb the climbing tree and the apple tree brought wasps to the yard when the apples fell and the boy did not like that. Sometimes the boy would climb the climbing tree anyway when he thought he wouldn’t be caught. Sometimes the boy would be caught. Sometimes the boy would not be caught.

​The boy was raised to be religious. The boy didn’t have much else to compare being religious to, so the boy was religious. As the boy grew up, he was so religious that the boy believed everything the boy was taught about being religious and that meant being serious and good. The boy tried to be serious and to be good. To be good the boy needed to to follow God's way. As the boy grew older, the boy thought that no one else was as serious as the boy was, and that no one else was trying as hard as the boy was to be good and right. The boy may or may not have been right. The boy could not know because the boy was not other people and the boy was too shy to ask uncomfortable questions. The boy did not like uncomfortable questions because other people didn’t like the boy when he had asked them before.

The boy felt isolated although the boy didn’t know what isolated meant at that time. The boy would have said the boy he was lonely even though there were many people and friends and siblings around. The boy may not have been isolated but only felt that way. The boy felt he was isolated because the was very smart and didn't need to try very hard to do well at school. The boy didn’t understand that he needed to be quiet and not always answer in class. Because the boy didn’t understand some people resented the boy. Some people resented the boy because he was smart. Some of those people who resented the boy called the boy names. Some of them did not call the boy names but did not like the boy. The boy also knew he was isolated because his mommy was a teacher at the school the boy attended. Some people did not want to be friends with the boy because his mommy was a teacher. The boy would get picked on in subtle ways because other people thought the boy would tattle to his mommy and they would get in trouble. Sometimes people would leave the boy out of games in the school yard. The boy was always picked last for sport teams, even though the boy was not always the worst at some sports. Sometimes people would pick the boy first if the game needed someone smart but not always. The boy was not the only smart person in his class. There were more smart people in the boy’s class than in most people’s classes. The boy’s class also had more athletes than classes that were not the boy’s class. The boy learned that standing out was worse than being invisible if you are different. The boy may not have been right, but the boy did not know that. The boy wanted to be seen but tried to be invisible at the same time. Boys cannot be seen and be invisible at the same time.

The boy did not have many friends. The boy had a best friend and two other friends who were close but not best. The boy also had cousins who were friends but did not go to the boy’s school. Some cousins lived near to the boy’s school but did not go because it was a religious school and they did not practice that religion. Some cousins lived far away and could not really be friends with the boy because the boy did not see them often. The boy had a cousin the same age that went to the boy’s school but they were not really friends. The boy and the cousin got along as cousins who like each other but are not close friends but sort of friends. After a few years the boy’s best friend moved far away. Far away was in a different city. The boy did not move away to a different city too. The boy wanted to move away to a different city too if the boy’s best friend could not stay. The boy did not tell his parents he wanted to move away to be with best friend in the different city because the boy loved his family. The boy knew he should stay with his family because the boy was only nine years old. Boys who were nine years old did not move away from their family to stay with best friends in a different city. The boy’s best friend left his new address with the boy’s teacher. The boy wanted to get the address the best friend left with the teacher so he could write letters. The teacher threw out the address before the boy had a chance to write it down so he could write letters. The boy was going to get it out of the garbage can at lunch even if it was embarrassing. The boy did not get the address out of the garbage can at lunch because the janitor came to the boy’s classroom at lunch and took away the garbage with the best friends address in it before the boy could look.

The boy only had his other couple friends now. Over time a couple more boys joined the boy’s friends but they were mean. One of the new boys was so mean that no one in the boy’s class liked him. The boy’s teacher asked the boy and his closest friend to be nice to the mean boy and be his friend. She made them sign a contract that they would be nice to the mean boy. The boy and his closest friend were nice boys so they did as they were told. Because the boys were nice and did as they were told they now had a friend who was mean.

The boy also liked music and singing. The boy’s parents noticed that the boy liked music and singing. They let the boy learn to play the piano. The boy learned the piano well, but not always well enough to win competitions. The boy liked recitals and competitions so he could play for other people. The boy did not like competing because people would lose. The boy would often lose but sometimes he would not. The boy was always very nervous. Sometimes the boy was so nervous that his hands would shake. Sometimes the boy’s hands would turn a little blue and be cold and sluggish but the boy would still play. The boy practiced a lot to do better and not make mistakes. The boy still made mistakes. Mistakes annoyed the boy so he would practice more but the boy would still make mistakes. The boy didn’t think he was very good. Some of the boys friends also made music. Some played the piano. Some people thought that the boy was not as good as other people at the piano. Some people thought some of the boy’s friends were better than him, and the boy believed them. The boy played different music than his friends and the music he played was sometimes more difficult but no one but the boy and his piano teacher would knew that.

The boy’s school would sing Christmas carols before the holidays. The boy’s principal used to play the piano for singing Christmas carols before the holidays but the boy’s principal retired. Because the boy’s principal retired, the boy’s teacher decided the boy and his friends and other people would play the piano for singing Christmas carols before the holidays. The boy practiced and practiced and practiced the Christmas carol he was supposed to play on the piano for singing before the holidays. When the school sang Christmas carols before the holidays, the school always had a lot of fun. The boy’s mother who was a teacher at the boy’s school liked to sing. Because the boy’s mother would sing loud the school would sing with her like the boy’s mother was the director. The boy’s friends and the other people the boy’s teacher asked to play the piano for singing Christmas carols all did a good job and the school had fun singing Christmas carols before the holidays. The boy’s mother sang along with the boy’s friends and the other people playing the piano for singing Christmas carols before the holidays. When it was the boy’s turn to play the Christmas carol he practiced and practiced and practiced, they boy’s mother decided he wasn’t playing fast enough. Because the boy’s mother decided he wasn’t playing fast enough she sang faster like she wanted to. Because the boy’s mother sang faster and she sang loud and the school would follow her singing like she was the director, the whole school sang faster. The boy tried to keep up but he could not keep up because he did not practice the Christmas carol that fast and the arrangement of the Christmas carol was difficult and not meant to be played so very fast. The boy thought the slower speed sounded nicer. The boy thought the slower speed sounded nicer because he heard a choir sing it like that on a CD and on the radio. Because the boy heard other people sing the Christmas carol that slow he played it that slow but his mother sang faster and the school sang faster and he could not keep up. The boy panicked and stopped playing the Christmas carol. The music teacher who was nice took over for the boy and played a different version of the Christmas carol the boy was supposed to play for singing Christmas carols before the holidays. The music teacher knew it by heart and it was a version that was easy so the music teacher could play as fast as the boy’s mother was singing the Christmas carol before the holidays. The school had not stopped singing during the short interruption and barely even noticed the boy was not playing the Christmas carol for singing before the holidays. The boy left the gym and went into the staff room to hide. The boy went into the staff room to hide because the boy was crying because he was embarrassed. No one noticed the boy was gone into the staff room to cry except for the music teacher until the music teacher told the boy’s mother when the school finished singing Christmas carols before the holidays. The boy’s mother didn’t understand how much she hurt the boy. The boy’s mother made excuses and blamed it on him for not playing the Christmas carol the way she wanted him to play it even though the boy’s teacher and the music teacher thought the way the boy played the Christmas carol was very nice and easy to sing to. The boy never played piano in his school ever again.

The boy was surprised and excited when best friend moved back when the boy and best friend were eleven. The boy thought that when best friends move away they don’t move back, but some best friends do move back. Best friend was at the boy’s school again but things were different. The boy did not connect with best friend because the boy wasn't cool enough. At least, the boy thought so and some of the other kids in the class thought so too. The boy may not have been right. The boy may have been just too afraid and best friend might also have been too afraid and uncomfortable. Best friend might have just not wanted to be best friends because he wanted to be with the cool kids. The boy was not a cool kid. Best friend was friends with the cool kids instead, and that was how it was for a couple years. After a couple years, former best friend invited the boy to play sports with the cool kids at recess. The boy was uncomfortable with the idea because the boy thought he was horrible at sports and no one wanted to play sports with the boy. The boy was always picked last even though there were other boys who were worse than the boy at some sports. Best friend told the boy it didn’t matter and he should come anyway. The boy did, sometimes. The boy divided his time between his old friends, even the mean ones, and the cool kids that played sports at recess. The boy always felt on nervous with the cool kids. The boy felt like he was only allowed to be there because best friend was the one who brought him there. And, to be honest, best friend wasn't really best friend since he moved back. The boy and best friend did not talk outside of school and did not talk much inside of school either, except at recess. But at recess the boy and best friend were playing sports with the cool kids so they did not really talk then either. The boy and best friend did not hang out or stay at each other’s houses like the boy and best friend did before best friend moved away. So the boy and best friend were the boy and former best friend.

When the boy and former best friend were thirteen former best friend was the boy's Secret Santa in his class's holiday game. The boy didn't suspect it was former best friend, even though the boy tried very hard to figure out who was the boy’s Secret Santa. Former best friend gave the boy a magazine in mint condition from the year best friend moved away as the last present on the day when all the Secret Santas reveal themselves. The magazine in mint condition was about the video game that was the boy’s favourite video game when best friend moved away. The boy almost started to cry in front of former best friend but wouldn't let himself. The boy suspected former best friend knew the boy almost cried anyway. The boy wanted former best friend to be best friend again but he did not know how to make former best friend into best friend again. The boy tried harder to fit in with the cool kids because he thought that might make best friend want to hang out with him outside of school. The boy tried to get to work with former best friend on class projects. He was never sure if it was working, but former best friend was always very nice and made the boy feel very good. The boy was not cognizant of what was really happening inside him.

The boy was now a teenager and as a teenager the boy had teenage problems. The boy had teenage problems such as teenage hormones that made the boy moody. Other people in the boy’s class were also moody because they also had teenage hormones. The boy would have good days with his teenage hormones. The boy would also have bad days with his teenage hormones when the boy could barely keep his emotions together until the end of the day. When teenage hormones made the boy barely able to keep together his emotions until the end of the day, the boy would walk or run home quickly and lock himself in his room and cry into his pillow. Eventually there were no good days and every day the boy would run home quickly and lock himself in his room and cry into his pillow. The boy hated walking or running home quickly and locking himself in his room and crying into his pillow. The boy didn’t understand why the boy could feel so bad because school was not so bad. Because school wasn’t so bad the boy thought he was a weakling and a pussy and all those other names that mean people called people like the boy who run home and cry into their pillows. But the boy also thought that walking or running home quickly and locking himself in his room and crying into his pillow was because of his teenage hormones and he decided that they would go away soon enough.

The next year the boy thought his teenage hormones got better. The boy felt better. The boy did not run home quickly to lock himself in his room and cry into his pillow every day but the boy did still run home quickly to lock himself in his room and cry into his pillow sometimes for a few days in a row. The boy had fun in school and his classmates were nicer and more fun and the boy thought he fit in with the cool kids better except for one or two. The boy still spent time with the boy’s old friends but some of the boy’s old friends were still mean and the boy did not like that. Sometimes the boy was mean back because he was hurt and the boy did not like himself much for being mean back. The boy had his first girlfriend. The girlfriend was smart like him, though not as smart. Girlfriend wasn’t one of the cool kids but the boy thought she was cool in her own way and the boy thought she had nice friends.

When the boy and his classmates graduated from kids school, the boy brought girlfriend as his date to the dance. The boy had lots of fun. The boy was invited to an afterparty at former best friend’s house. The boy was overwhelmed at the after party because most of his classmates were at the after party and all of the cool kids in particular. Because the cool kids were all there one of the cool kids brought alcohol to put in the juice and the pop. The boy had alcohol for the first time from the cool kids but the boy only drank two drinks because the boy was overwhelmed and was scared he would get drunk. Former best friend was tipsy and spent a lot of time talking to the boy and touching the boy’s shoulder and smiling. The boy liked it when former best friend spent a lot of time talking to the boy and touching the boy’s shoulder and smiling. The boy did the same. Former best friend also had a girlfriend and she frowned at them sometimes because former best friend spent so much time talking to the boy. The boy didn’t know if his girlfriend would frown at them too because she did not come to the after party with most of their classmates and all the cool kids. Girlfriend hosted a hang out with girlfriend’s nice friends instead. The boy did not care because he and former best friend were talking and it made him feel very good.

The boy found being friends with people as a teenager complicated. Some mean friends who the boy was friends with in kids school were increasingly toxic and abusive. Because they were increasingly toxic and abusive the boy left them behind and was no longer friends with the mean friends. Instead, the boy sat with the people his age that sat in the cafeteria. Many of the people the boy sat with in the cafeteria were the cool kids from his old kids school but also many people from other kids schools in the county. The people who he sat with in the cafeteria before school and at lunch were nice, mostly, but the boy had trouble connecting with the people who sat in the cafeteria. The boy did not watch much sports besides hockey. The boy was also a figure skater and a runner. The boy hid those things because boys his age wouldn't understand. The boys that sat in the cafeteria only understood team sports - hockey, soccer, football, basketball, baseball - and the ones you play at school. But the boy did not play team sports and sports that you play at school and the boy would be called a faggot if he told them he ran and figure skated. No one knew that the boy was high ranked in the province because if the boy told them he was high ranked in the province the people in the cafeteria would have called him a fag. Some of the other boys the boy sat with in the cafeteria would make the boy the butt of jokes anyway, but didn't understand why the boy was so sensitive. Because the boy was so sensitive some of the boys would harass him out of sight of the nice boys that sat in the cafeteria, but sometimes they would tease the boy and be mean in the cafeteria too.

The boy had serious problems with his mental health. The boy knew he must have depression but would not seek treatment. The boy would not seek treatment because he was scared of the pills and did not trust psychiatrists. The boy was scared of the pills and did not trust psychiatrists because people he knew who took the pills and saw psychiatrists seemed to be more fucked up than before they took the pills. The boy thought his depression was because of teenage hormones and because it was because of teenage hormones it would go away eventually. The boy felt worthless but the boy was not worthless. No one believed he was worthless but the boy believed the boy was worthless and therefore the boy was worthless. Even though the boy was very smart and the boy was doing very well in school, the boy felt stupid. The boy was not stupid. Sometimes the boy’s parents would call him stupid when he didn’t do things the way they wanted around the house because they were angry, but the boy was not actually stupid and the boy’s parents didn’t actually think he was stupid. The boy thought his parents didn't care about him, and all the boy could ever do was fuck up and make them upset. The boy’s parents loved him but did not know how to reach him because the boy hid everything the boy felt and they only knew how to communicate when the boy did things wrong. When the boy did things wrong he hated it and it made him angry and depressed. The boy became so depressed that he wanted to commit suicide. The boy wanted to commit suicide but the boy did not commit suicide. The boy wanted to run away but the boy did not. Because the boy wanted to run away and to commit suicide the boy realized that the boy just wanted a change. The boy could no longer stand being with the cool boys that sat in the cafeteria so the boy left and hung out with a group of misfits in the lobby instead. The boy hung out with a group of misfits in the lobby who were older than him and all fucked up in one way or another. Because the misfits in the lobby were all fucked up in one way or another, the boy felt confidence with the misfits sometimes. The boy felt confidence with the misfits sometimes because the boy was always glad the boy didn't have some of the misfits’ problems. The boy also learned to hide his emotions and his mental health problems even from the misfits in the lobby because people would want to talk to him more and hang out with him more if he was normal and not depressed. So the boy pretended to be normal and not depressed and the misfits in the lobby invited him to hang out outside of school sometimes and sometimes the boy did hang out with the misfits outside of school. Some of the misfits from the lobby joined the boy’s extracurricular activities too. Because some of the misfits from the lobby joined the boy’s extracurricular activities he saw them more often and some of the misfits became his friends.

After a year, one of the cool boys from the cafeteria stumbled upon the boy with his misfit friends and was startled. The cool boy asked the boy if the boy had been there the whole time. The boy was confused why the cool boy would say such a thing - none of the people who sat in the cafeteria ever asked the boy where he was at lunch, between classes, before school. No one asked the boy where the boy was after school because everyone knew boy was involved in many extracurricular clubs - just no sports. But no one of the people who sat in the cafeteria knew where the boy was in the morning or at lunch and they did not ask during class. The boy had mixed feelings about the awkward moment with the cool boy. The boy had mixed feelings because the boy thought It felt good that cool boy had wondered, but it bothered the boy a lot that none of the cool boys had bothered to ask the boy where the boy was gone, how the boy was feeling, anything. Including best friend who really had probably still been former best friend. Former best friend never invited the boy to hang out after school or on weekends even though he was nice when the boy sat with the people in the cafeteria. Former best friend protected the boy and told off some of the mean people who sat in the cafeteria. Because former best friend protected the boy it made the boy feel like he was still special. But former best friend was still former best friend and was still just one of the nice people who sat in the cafeteria. The boy still liked the nice people in the cafeteria but the boy did not sit with the nice people in the cafeteria anymore and only sat with the misfits in the lobby. The boy had no ill will towards the nice ones in the cafeteria but the boy would not go sit with the people in the cafeteria because they did not care enough to ask the boy about what was going on with the boy. They were maybe-friends, but not good-friends like the misfits in the lobby.

The boy struggled with life. The boy tried to manage his parents' emotions and his younger brothers' behaviours but it should not have been the boy’s job to manage his parents’ emotions and his younger brothers’ behaviours. The boy tried to keep the peace at home but it was hard. Sometimes the boy stopped trying because it was hard and the boy was tired and frustrated. Sometimes the boy was depressed and sometimes he was not. Sometimes the boy wanted to break things and to blow up his school but he actually did not want to break things and blow up his school because he was just frustrated and hurting. Sometimes all the boy had left in him after school and after dealing with his family was his music. The boy’s music was his alone. The boy practiced a lot but he did not let other people hear his piano music outside of his house. The boy would only play his music outside of the house if he had a recital or a competition. Not many people knew about the boy’s recitals and competitions so the boy would not be as embarrassed if he made mistakes like when the boy played a Christmas carol for his school to sing before the holidays. The boy practiced very hard, for two or three hours every day, and won more competitions. The boy won more competitions but the boy still thought he was terrible.

The boy could not wait until the boy could leave small-town and family to go to university. When the boy went to university people would be smarter and more interesting. The boy thought he could be cooler there because more people would be like him because people at university were smarter and more interesting. The misfits in the lobby were older than the boy so they all graduated before the boy and moved away to different cities for college. Becaues the misfits all graduated and moved away to different cities, the boy had to find new friends at school. The boy spent more time with the music geeks because the boy was a music geek too. The music geeks actually were not geeks at all and were cool people, though not a lot of people knew that. The boy also hung out with the drama freaks, but the drama freaks were not as nice as the music geeks. Some drama freaks thought they were the true cool kids in the school and were dismissive of people like the boy. Some drama freaks were also music geeks and those drama freaks were nice to the boy however.

The boy was very confused because he didn’t think he had sexual attractions in real life but in his dreams the boy liked both girls and boys, though more often boys but not always. Sometimes in his dreams the boy would do sex things and fuck both boys and girls. The boy had crushes on some girls and boys, but the boy didn’t understand that they were crushes or that he wanted to do sex things and fuck his crushes. The boy didn’t feel sexual and want to kiss people and did not get erections at school when thinking about people. Because the boy did not feel sexual and want to kiss people or get erections at school when thinking about people, the boy interpreted his crush feelings more as who he wanted to be friends with because he did not dream about his crushes nor do sex things with his crushes and fuck them in his dreams. The boy did have another girlfriend. New girlfriend was a better match for the boy than old girlfriend. New girlfriend was very, very smart but not as smart as the boy. New girlfriend liked all the kinds of music that the boy liked and they talked about music a lot. They also kissed a lot. The boy would sometimes get erections while they kissed but the boy was scared to do other sex things with new girlfriend so the boy did not do other sex things with new girlfriend. Eventually he and new girlfriend broke up because they didn’t feel like they were falling in love. New girlfriend turned out to be a lesbian and was actually in love with new girlfriend’s best friend. The boy didn’t find this out until months later but he was happy for new ex-girlfriend because the boy understood what it was like to have special feelings for a best friend. The boy did not admit to himself that he was in love with former best friend and probably had been since former best friend moved back.

In the winter before graduation, the boy had a dream in which the boy kissed and did sex things and fucked his former best friend. Because the boy was deep in denial the dream in which the boy kissed and did sex things and fucked his former best friend was a devastating realization that he could no longer deny. The boy finally came out to himself that he liked both girls and boys and wanted to have sex with both. The boy was so devastated that he was not really himself for many days. Because the boy was not really himself for many days people noticed something was wrong. They noticed something was wrong because the boy was like a zombie. Zombies are bodies with minds that are not really present at all. The boy was like a zombie but not quite because his mind was still there but was detached from the world. A teacher confronted the boy about being a zombie and later the same day boy’s parents also confronted him. The teacher and the boy’s parents each asked the boy what was wrong. Because the teacher and his parents noticed, the boy snapped out of it. The boy forgot that he wasn’t allowed to show people his mental health problems and he needed to hide them and pretend. Because the boy needed to hide his mental health problems and pretend and because the boy was scared of people knowing that he wanted to kiss and do sex things and fuck both girls and boys, the boy lied and said he was just tired from studying too much and trying to do too many extracurriculars. Because exams were coming up and the boy was doing more hours of extracurricular activities and music practicing than the boy was spending in the school classrooms, the teacher and the boy’s parents believed him.

The boy kept his secret that he wanted to kiss and do sex things and fuck girls and boys hidden for months but after months he needed to tell someone. The boy told a few of the boy’s close friends before graduation. The boy told close friends the boy trusted most, but but not all his close friends because the boy was terrified because he was at religious school and the school’s religious values taught people like the boy who wanted to kiss and do sex things and fuck boys and girls were going to go to Hell and the boy didn’t know if his close friends would be close friends anymore if they knew. The boy was terrified for no good reason. The boy was terrified for no good reason because the boy’s friends were all worthy of his trust and were not as religious as the boy was. But the boy wasn’t as religious as he used to be anymore because he could not be as religious if he was the way he was. The boy knew he did not choose to be the way he was. The boy did not choose to want to kiss and do sex thing and fuck both boys and girls. Because he knew that he started down the road to disbelief. The boy never told former best friend about the dream nor that the boy loved him. The boy did not tell former best friend that he loved him because the boy knew former best friend was straight and did not want to kiss and do sex things and fuck other boys.

When the boy graduated, the boy felt cheated. The boy felt cheated because some people who got lower grades than the boy did in some subjects were given subject awards at graduation. The boy did not get any subject awards at graduation. The boy did not get any awards at graduation at all, except for the one that recognized how much contribution he made to extracurriculars. The boy got the award for contribution to extracurriculars only because before graduation he went and asked the teacher responsible for it if he qualified. The boy was overqualified but no one seemed to know he was overqualified and spending more hours doing extracurriculars than he was spending in the classroom. The boy felt like he was even more invisible and mediocre than he'd ever thought before. Even his teachers didn't notice him and forgot about him. The boy also felt cheated because some of the boy's closest music friends were asked to do the music at graduation but the boy was not. The boy's friends lied to him about what they were doing after school sometimes because they were practicing the music for graduation and the teachers did not ask the boy to help with the music. When the boy caught them in their lie, the boy was very angry and hurt. He trusted these people and these teachers the most. He especially trusted the teacher who gave the boy time in the final music concert to play a feature solo on the piano and no one else got to do that. The boy had lots of mixed feelings at graduation, but the boy was glad high school was over forever. At graduation, the boy got many pictures taken. Because he got many pictures taken he was able to get a picture taken with former best friend who did not know that the boy was in love with him.

The boy thought he wanted to be a doctor and should study science. But to be a doctor you only have to take certain prerequisite courses and then write a test to get into medical school so it doesn’t matter what you do for your whole degree. The boy decided to do his degree in music and take the prerequisite courses and then write a test to get into medical school. Because he decided to do a degree in music he needed to do an audition. The boy was scared of doing an audition because he knew he was terrible and they wouldn’t like him so he also applied to many biology and biochemistry programs at other universities. But the boy should not have been scared. The audition went well and the faculty liked him and thought he was smart. Because the faculty liked him and thought he was smart they let him into the music program. The boy moved to the university that fall. The boy liked the university because it was small and you could get to know a lot of people and feel at home everywhere on campus. The boy also liked the university because it was far enough away that the boy’s family would not visit often and where the boy would only very rarely see people from his high school.

University was a rollercoaster for the boy. It was a rollercoaster because everything was new and the boy’s emotions were a mess and his sexuality was still mostly a secret. The boy kept his sexuality secret for several months because he was scared of how people would react if he dated a boy and kissed him and did sex things with him and fucked him. Most people at the university did not care if the boy dated another boy and kissed him and did sex things with him and fucked him as long as it wasn’t in public. The boy made many friends at university. The boy still had friends from high school who were music geeks and drama freaks and also the misfits who used to hang out in the lobby and he would visit them in other cities occasionally. The boy loved being in music school but always felt inadequate. The boy did not feel supported or that his contributions were good enough, even though his grades were high and people did like his music. The boy was doing very well in his prerequisites for medical school and really liked them so the boy decided to double major in biology. Some biology professors noticed the boy and one asked the boy to work in their lab. Although the boy had considered continuing to work in music and maybe go to graduate school for music, boy was still thinking about medical school. However, the boy decided he did not want to be a doctor because he liked doing research in his professor’s lab and the boy decided he did not want to be a musician because he did not feel confident.

The boy was slowly becoming a man. As the boy-man got older the boy-man tried to date interesting people who liked the boy-man too but their relationships didn't work for one reason or another. The boy-man had his first boyfriend and then the boy-man had his second. The boy-man’s first boyfriend was nice and caring but graduated. The boy-man and his first boyfriend broke up but the boy-man and his first boy-friend did not want to. The boy-man and his second boyfriend had a toxic relationship. The second boyfriend played upon boy-man’s insecurities and was insecure himself. Because the second boyfriend was insecure himself he pressured the boy-man into saying that he loved the second boyfriend when in fact he did not. The boy-man regretted saying he loved him, but the boy-man was starving for the love he never felt in high school and stayed with the second boyfriend for months longer than he should have. The boy-man also had three girlfriends. One girlfriend did not like that the boy-man also liked boys and had sex with them. This girlfriend believed he was gay but boy-man was not gay because he loved eating her pussy and it made him hard before he fucked her. Gay boys do not like eating pussy and it does not make them hard before they fuck girls, but it made boy-man hard therefore he was not gay. The boy-man had one very important boyfriend who he met for a very short time while helping a friend move to a new city and fell deeply in love with. Boy-man didn’t know it at the time but boy-man was having a hypomanic episode when they met. Boy-man had such strong feelings but boyfriend was deeply depressed and could not sustain a relationship long distance. Boy-man wanted boyfriend to wait until summer so boy-man could finish his year of schooling and then transfer to another school to be with boyfriend. Boyfriend could not wait or would not wait. Boyfriend hurt boy-man a lot and boy-man could not date for a long time afterwards because his heart was broken.

Thus the boy-man learned what it was like to have someone love the boy-man but not love them back, and the boy-man learned what it was like to love someone and not have them love the boy-man back even though they really liked the boy-man. The boy-man also had to confront the fallout of being not-straight. Being not-straight meant that some people stopped being friends, although that was rare. Being not-straight meant that some people would treat the boy differently. Some of those people included former best friend, the boy-man thought. It was hard for boy-man to judge because boy-man did some stupid things because he was still in love with former best friend even all these years later, even knowing that former best friend was irredeemably straight. Boy-man sent former best friend an email once when boy-man was hypomanic. Boy-man didn’t realize the email sounded like a suicide note, but it was just a thank you for being boy-man’s friend for so many years, for protecting him, for being friendly and kind. Boy-man learned that people can be very strange when you thank them if you thank them in the wrong way.

The boy-man probably didn't really grow up until later than the boy-man should have. The boy-man tried, but boy-man failed. The boy-man was responsible in ways most people the boy-man’s age weren't, but was irresponsible in other ways, subtle ways that slowly hurt the boy-man. The boy-man came out to his family after years of fear and self-loathing. The boy-man was afraid because the boy-man was raised religious even though the boy-man was not religious anymore. The boy-man’s younger brothers all accepted it easily. The boy-man’s parents did not accept it easily because mother was religious and because she was religious she feared that boy-man would go to Hell because boys that fuck other boys go to Hell. But boys who fuck boys do not go to Hell because Hell is a made up place. The boy-man thought father would take it worse than the boy-man’s mother but it was the opposite.

As boy-man became man, the boy-man decided to go to graduate school and continue to work in his professor’s laboratory. The man’s mental health deteriorated. The man had occasional depressive episodes and also hypomanic episodes all through university but the were getting worse and more frequent now. The man didn’t know that he was having hypomanic episodes, or even what those were, but he already knew he had bouts of depression. The man had many depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes because he was manic-depressive. But manic-depressive is an old name and now they call it bipolar disorder, and the man had bipolar disorder. The man had bipolar disorder but it was not the kind of bipolar disorder that becomes psychotic sometimes so the man does not become psychotic. Although the man had bipolar disorder he did not know this at this time. The man was very stressed out at work. Because the man was very stressed out at work the man had a mixed-mood episode. The man had a mixed-mood episode because the man was both depressed and hypomanic at the same time. The man would stay awake for days at a time trying to get work done because the man was hypomanic and it made his brain able to stay up for days at a time but then he would crash out and sleep for almost a day. This happened many times for two months straight. The man also was hating himself and wanting to run away or hurt himself because the man was depressed while having a mixed-mood episode. The man could not run away or hurt himself because the man needed to get his work done. It was dangerous, but the man didn't know it at the time. Because the man was having a mixed-mood episode his judgement was impaired and he thought not sleeping and crashing and hating himself was completely justified and necessary. No one called the man out on it or corrected his behaviour because man was good at hiding his mental health most of the time. He was good at hiding his mental health most of the time because the man got good at doing that as a teenager.

The man finally met his partner who was also a man. The man was lucky because the man finally met partner just before the man was about to move. The man was moving to another city for more graduate school. The man’s mother did not accept partner for half a year. The man was sad and mad because the man’s mother did not accept partner. The man’s dad accepted the man’s partner. The man and partner made the long distance in their relationship work for a few years. The man and partner made long distance work using internet video calling. They used internet video calling and talked on the phone every day. The partner was also okay with the distance because the partner's parents lived in the same city as the man so partner could visit them too.

The man was very stressed out at graduate school and his mental health deteriorated again. Because the man was worried about having to drop out of graduate school and lose his career he sought out professional help. Because he sought out professional help the man learned he had bipolar disorder and began treatment. The man learned that treatment of chronic mental health problems is difficult and frustrating. It is difficult and frustrating because it can take months or years to get things like medications sorted out and there are often lots of side effects to the medications. The man needed to try many different medications. Sometimes they worked for a while and then failed and others did not help at all. The man was very frustrated so he took a break from graduate school to try and get better. The man thought a lot about his life and could see the pattern of depressive and hypomanic episodes all the way back to when he was a child. For a time the man felt like none of his emotions were real and were just expressions of bipolar disorder, that he was nothing but bipolar disorder. But the man was a man who had bipolar disorder and bipolar disorder was only one of many things that defined him, just like how wanting to kiss and do sex thing and fuck both girls and boys was only one of many things that defined him.

The man and his partner moved in together in the city while the man was trying to get better. The partner is very supportive of the man, even with all of the man's flaws and the man’s mental health problems. The man tried to go back to graduate school but the man could not meet the demands and has to stop. Because the man had to stop the man cannot have the career the man wanted. The man is in a difficult place now. The man has to give up on his dream and his career and do something else. The man must give up on his dream and his career because the man’s mental health keeps getting bad but the man doesn’t know what job the man can still do at times when his mental health is bad as well as when it is good. The man hurts but it was the best decision for the man and his mental health. The man and partner are moving back to university town where partner works. Because the man and his partner are moving back to the university town where partner works man is very unsure. The man is very unsure because he does not have a job and does not know what kind of job he should get. The man is also happy because the man and his partner have friends in the university town who will be there to have fun and to support the man and partner. The man is very unsure where his life will go from now on, but the man knows it will be interesting.