All I Wanted (Was You) - 1. Story

All I Wanted ( Was You )

by Marco Polo

It started at a party: an eighteenth. He was a drummer, younger than she was, but of my age.

I was put into school earlier than most and I suffered because of it. I mean, I'm turning 18 at the start of my university years. So, no clubbing for me and I'm not comfortable with the idea of using 'fakies'.

I got lost on the way to the party. It was out in the middle of Bethanga for Christ’s sake and I turned right when I should have turned left. There we were driving alongside the waters edge in the night on country road. It's hardly safe during the daylight, so my grip on the handle was justifiably tight.

Eventually we rocked up at the ramshackle shed that held the party. It was full of people, cranking music and the stench of cigarettes. I felt that familiar itch to pull one out of my bag but stuffed my hands into my jacket instead. I glanced around and saw about ten faces I knew and the rest I really didn’t.

One was particularly annoying. His name was Garrigan and I assumed that the old adage 'enough is enough.' didn’t really cross his mind. Or if it did, it clearly just didn’t apply to him. I pushed through the crowds and out the side exit into a small walkway that led to the main house.

It was...lovingly I suppose...homely it wasn't exactly clean, but it wasn't dirty and I was used to it. Tessa's room was at the back just before the pergola that was stuffed with lounges. I dropped my bag and swag onto her bed and returned through the lounge-room and kitchen. The lounge-room was all about fire and music. There was a double sided open fire that was always lit on one side. In front of it was a small round table and a couple of plastic chairs that were melted on their front. On the opposite side of the room was a well worn drum kit complete with cymbals and a slick blood red finish. All around the floor were amps of varying sizes and their cords fed into three guitars and two bass-guitars that were laid flat on cushions.

I smirked, typical of Stabb. His name wasn't actually Stabb, that was his last name. His first was Luke. Put simply, he was a pirate. He loved rum, John Butler and the ocean. It didn’t come as a surprise that his dreadlocked hair was usually tied up with beads and colorful strings. I admired him in a way, he'll never know that, but I felt his careless and risk-taking attitude was something I could never do.

I hated that. I was always so boring. Never quite fit, or the hottest thing on two legs. I was tall sure. But my jumpers were usually bought for the purpose of hiding that little belly underneath. My eyes always had bags and my mouth was a permanent frown. My teeth weren’t white like ceramic sculptures and neither was my hair perfect.

I was just average, well in my opinion, less than average.

And Tessa, well she was just Tessa, but being 'Just Tessa' was better than being 'Less than Average' so I shouldn’t have been upset

I stole a scarf from one of the chairs and wrapped it around my hand that was holding my bourbon. Thank god for that...alcohol I mean. I don't care how 'straight edge' you think you are, alcohol just does something to you. Aside from getting you drunk that is. There's this confidence boost that after a while I craved. I need it to even attempt to talk to people. Especially at parties. I'm a bit of a party retard. Or, Par-Tard.

The shed was still cranking out the music, most of it heavy bass and someone had brought along a strobe light. And it was in that smoky room filled with sweat and spilt drinks that I saw him again. He was trying to dance with someone, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. I pitied him, and I grabbed his sleeve pulling him out of the throng.

"Hey Reece." he said happily, and that tone of voice made me tingle all over. "How are you doing?" He asked a little more softly as we moved out into the cold night. I shrugged.

"Hey Lachie, Not bad, I got lost on the way here." I replied blushing. We laughed for a bit and spoke for a little more. I listened to every word he spoke intently because I just loved where they came from.

I didn’t understand where these feeling for him even came from, I mean, it was a few months in the making but when they arrived I didn’t want them to leave. I wanted to wrap myself in this warmth that had materialized in the middle of cold winter.

He told me that he didn’t have a drink so I took him with me to Tessa's room and tossed him a couple of cans. I didn’t even have that many to spare. "So, got your eye on someone here?" He asked.

I blushed furiously and turned away. "N-no." I stuttered. I heard him chuckle and turned back to him glaring. "It's the truth." I exclaimed.

"Who is he?" he asked bluntly.

"It's no one ok." I replied haughtily and shrugged off the hand that he placed on my shoulder. In reality I wanted to grab on to it and squeeze tight. And I can remember, every time he was near me my mind would mutter. 'touch me.' 'hold me.' 'need me.' 'love me.' Every time he brushed past me, my heart would flutter thinking, maybe he'll come over and say all the things I want him to say.

But he didn’t.

Halfway through the night. Tessa made her speech in front of a giant cake, although her speech consisted of getting everyone to chant the 'peanut butter jelly time' song. Her newly dyed red curls bouncing with glee as her small frame bounced on her heels with joy.

After the speech the party mood shifted considerably and people started playing music in the lounge room while others went out the back and soaked in the one-am chill on the deck. Lachlan played the drums exceptionally well, and I leant against the doorframe sipping my bourbon and watching him. He glanced up a couple of times and smiled at me as I tipped my imaginary hat to his skills.

I left that room feeling somewhat elated, and without thinking about it, every where he went I followed after him in a few minutes to find he was moving yet again. I don't know if he ever noticed but that's alright. By that time I had drunk enough that I would probably spill my guts if he waited a few minutes in one spot long enough.

I found the bedroom after many failed attempts, and with my mind thinking of nothing but Lachie and his friendly smiles, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with him beside me. But I slept alone that night.

My mind kept telling me, ‘maybe he likes you too, he does smile at you a lot and he always goes out of his way to talk to you’, but I didn’t trust my mind, how could I? With a track record like mine, every word that came from it's metaphysical mouth was tainted.

I woke the next day, hangover free, with dry lips and bloodshot eyes. The empty room I had crashed in that night had filled with people snoring and what not.

Stumbling into the kitchen I found Stabb cooking a proper pirate breakfast from some unnamable meat and eggs. The smell roused most people and eventually we were all snacking. I found Lachlan sitting on the stool at the outside fireplace, shivering in shorts and a t-shirt. I felt bad so I slipped my jacket off and handed it to him, telling him I was burning up.

Of course I was lying, it was winter. I was FREEZING. But I carried on regardless. We spoke further until the sun was fully up and everyone else was outside with us, soaking in the sunshine that was such a rarity those days.

As I drove home I wished I had gotten him alone at some point, to try and …I don't know, make a move I guess. But there was no way, alcohol or no that I was going to do something like that. And my mind kept telling me over and over that 'he likes you too.' and I started believing it. Like I always do.

School was the next day. As I warmed up my mind for exams in the next few weeks my thoughts would drift to Lachlan and what he was doing, and I had this stupid grin plastered on my face for the whole day.

I found Tessa at lunchtime, twirling her hair and looking uneasy. "Hey Reece, baby, have you seen Lachie?" she asked. I shook my head.

"No, wassup?" I asked softly. I don't remember when she adopted the name 'baby' as my nickname but I adapted to it, despite how young it made me feel. She didn’t really answer, and I thought about telling her about my crush on him right there. I didn’t though. I figured I would find her later and get her alone.

"I sort of have to talk to you." She said. She had a secretive smile and I brimmed with excitement, her stories always made me feel good. "Come find me at the Performing Arts Center." She said. I nodded and left to get my lunch. I spotted Lachie in the distance as he made his way to the P.A.C as well I assumed.

I stopped as I reached the door to the grey washed P.A.C and Tessa burst out dragging me by the collar to the side of the building. "I have something to tell you to!" I said before she could spill. She nodded.

"Ok well, me first?" She asked. I nodded this time and she said;"Ok well...after everyone left, it was just me and Lachie and, we sort of hooked up." I... Felt...Hollow... Like you could drop a stone in me and never hear it hit the bottom.

I, I wanted to cry, to scream, to wail. "Apparently he's liked me for a while and well...now we're dating." How could I even speak? Every part of me froze and started spinning backwards.

I didn’t want to say anything for fear the words would come out demonic and backwards. I never really cried over things, and I assumed it was because I normally forced everything back down but I guess this just created that little bit of spillage because it leaked. Thankfully she didn’t notice and I smiled wiping it away.

"That's great Tessa."

I said I wasn't feeling well and told her goodbye and I turned down a side alley, sat on a secluded step and I cried. I silently shook and felt the drops saturate my hands. Why did I even bother? Why even try. I wanted him and I thought he wanted me too. Heh, that’s the last time I’m even going to entertain the idea that I was worth anything.

"Are you alright?" I heard a voice. One I didn’t want to hear ever again. I looked up and he was smiling at me compassionately.

And I hit him. He was taller than me, but I caught him off guard. He crashed to the ground and I watched in satisfaction as that lying, untrustworthy smile slipped from his features and he clutched his bleeding nose.

And I walked away, knowing that I...was hurting far more than he ever would.

© 2009 Marco Polo

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