How Far I've Fallen - 1. Confessions of a Cam Whore

I loathe to think that any time I spend on this earth will somehow be wasted, and yet I can't escape from the reality that this has been part of my existence, and that indeed, when I contemplate my fortunes, I come to the inevitable conclusion that a portion of my life has truly been for nothing. Sitting here looking out at the blank screen, staring at the pinhole camera of my laptop, interacting with faceless voices and emotionless text, I can only conclude that part of my life is utterly empty and devoid of meaning.

Of course the irony here is that what I really don't want, aside from not feeling that my life is a waste, is for anyone else to think that my life is a waste. So as I runaway from my true calling, I crave the attention that comes with broadcasting my body to the affluent, and I fear the judgment that comes along with it. The daily banter is filled with assumptions of my life. The crassness, that I only endure for the paltry token tip that is somehow supposed to encourage me to spill my essence in front of the world, is useful only in that it offers a glimpse of the truth of what they believe - that I am not deserving enough for their compassion, dignity, or kindness, or that I am not worth enough that they part with their precious baubles to show that they give a shit about me, their cam whore. Their anonymity occasionally gives them the courage to spew hate and anger. Be this anger directed at myself, or some third party, I do not know, but I feel it daily. It's thrown at me like the spear of destiny, hurled through the screen directly at my heart.

Unbeknownst to them, however, they cannot really hurt me, as I am in control here, not them. I know their ultimate weakness, and it comes in the form of my own spear. They think they know who I am, the substance that defines me, and the character of my resolve, but they know nothing of the real me. The part I hide away from the world that sees me in plain view. My asshole is not, as some would like to assume, a window into my soul. I liken it more to the Oracle at Delphi. It's the sphincter of my deception. It opens the door to a constructed world that was created for the amusement of others, and innocently enough, for my own self worth, or so I thought. For the deception of others has given me a sense of power that I believed could only exist in the stories of childhood. I am the wolf in sheep's clothes. My, what big teeth you have! Fuckin' right I do bitch and don't you forget it! This is, of course never said, or even alluded to.

It remains hidden, my secret, my burden, and with it lies a sense of responsibility. And so, as I have done for three years now, I hide, and sit in front of this technological aperture, pretending to be that which I am not, and I wait... for my opportunity.

What will I claim as my prize you may wonder? What end goal is worthy enough of the grand scam that I pull off on a daily and sometimes hourly basis? What is that which I prize the most and crave from the people who are typically so cruel, but at times so gentle with me? Well, it is the ultimate power, over me and over others. The last temptation. It is love.

smokin_aces: can I see your feet bro?

Father in Heaven! For the past four hours, I have been pulling my hole open for douche bags that tip me fuck all and just want to see my feet. What the hell is wrong with these people? Don't they have jobs where they get paid?

The_Forth: sure bb, 25 tokens gets you my amazing feet, and for 50 I'll let you peek inside my underwear.

smokin_aces: Pleeeeez?

Ugh, I can't stand people that beg! Grow a spine.

The_Forth: Pleeeeez tip and I'm happy to.

smokin_aces: asshole

The_Forth: Fucker! Like I need your shit.

The_Forth banned smokin_aces and removed his messages.

Engorged: hey sexy, what's up?

The_Forth: nothin much, you?

Engorged: just my cock wantin to see yours.

Groan.

The_Forth: wanna go private and have me all to yourself?

Engorged: how much?

The_Forth: 45 tokens a minute

Engorged: I'll pass.

Motherfucker! What do I have to do to make some tokens around here?

It wasn't always like this, showing myself to the world for a token. I was always an exhibitionist to be sure; my last mother told me that she couldn't keep me in my clothes no matter what she did. I loved being naked, to dance in the sun as a kid, cherub that I was. I have video evidence to prove it, but as I got older it became a thing of embarrassment. My parents would threaten to show it to people, but eventually I found that when they did I was hoping just a little that they would, so I could see what the others would say. The fantasy turned to jerking off outside when no one was around and then taking bigger risks jerking off in the park at night and then in the day even when people could catch me. It made it all the more erotic to know that someone could phone the police if they discovered me pleasuring myself on the path. Then when the Internet offered an easy cam experience without the risk of incarceration I was instantly hooked!

These guys that watch me, they want to watch me. They're not phoning anyone to tell someone that I'm online. They're more scared of getting caught than I am. Maybe their wife will walk in on them watching a 23 year old jerking off on camera. What would she do? Nothing to me! She might use it as an excuse to divorce his ass. So, I continue moving from one cam junkie to the next. I used to be more idealistic in my view of the world. Even when I first started this I was looking. I was willing to give up everything just for that one chance, for the one guy that would make me feel as I did not so many years ago.

The_Forth: come on... I'll make it worth your while 

Engorged: Really? How? Will you show me your feet?

Oh for fuck sakes!

I met Luka again when I was 17 years old. It had been years earlier that we had last saw each other, and I do not remember if I felt the same way then, but I suspect not, as I would have remembered. I was lucky enough this time to live with him for two years. I instantly fell in love, as I am prone to do. He was three years my senior and had strong arms and chest muscles. He was more man than boy, and for someone who in the near future would love to be held and fucked hard, I had a difficult time keeping my hands to myself when Luka was around. I would always find an excuse to touch him, and would even make something up if there were no legitimate reasons to do so.

Wanna arm wrestle Luka? Bet you I can beat you in a tickle fight Luka! I have bigger muscles than you do Luka. He'd humour me, let me fall all over him and as it turns out I never fooled him once. He knew I was into him from the moment I laid eyes on him again.

It was raining out when I arrived and being one for first appearances I was very self-conscious of showing up on my aunts doorstep with rain dripping off of the end of my nose and on to the loose floor tiles of her entry into the kitchen. They lived in a quiet neighbourhood in Sumgayit of Eastern Azerbaijan, on the cusp of the Caspian Sea. Luka grew up as many young boys, dreaming of being like his father, a fisherman. His father died on its black waters and he told me once he hated the Caspian because it took his father from him when he was too young. He was like that, Luka was, hard most of the time on the outside, but I knew him better than most, and he would open up to me late in the night when we were alone.

The plops of water on tile tried to shatter my fixation upon seeing my cousin again, but they had no affect. I stared into his eyes until it became awkward which only added to the water on the floor as a source of my embarrassment.

"Uriel, you remember Luka don't you?" She intruded, but succeeded only in adding to the redness of my cheeks by using my full name. Draping her arm over his shoulder she put on a fake smile to ease the tension in the air.

"Uri," I corrected, and held my hand out. It seemed like what men were supposed to do when they met again after a long time. I watched my dad do the same maneuver a thousand times in my life, and I was pretty sure I had it down right.

"Never be ashamed of your name Uriel, she admonished me gently.

The_Forth: okay I'll show you my feet.

Engorged: I want a preview.

I held up my tube sock clad appendage and dangled it in front of the camera.

Engorged: take off the sock... slowly.

I yanked the sock off and threw it on the floor.

The_Forth: there's my god damn foot, you want to go private or what?

Engorged: no not really, maybe another time.

WTF!

The_Forth: Just for that I'm putting my sock back on!

I stomped over to the corner, slid it over my now cold foot and sat back down in front of my computer. I wasn't ashamed of my name, far from it actually, but I hid from the responsibility that was born with it.

TakeAllOfMe: Hey you fucker, wanna suck my big cock? I bet you do, don't you, you faggot!

It wasn't until I would hear my name from Luka's lips that I would return to its use.

TakeAllOfMe: Ya I bet you'd love to wrap your sweet lips around my big, juicy dick. Come on fucking faggot, show me your ass. Put your ass up in the air and open up for me bitch.

We were laying on the floor of his bedroom and talking, like we always did, about the future. About our plans. His to escape the hold of the nemesis that took his dad by going to America. He would marry a woman from California, and fuck her every night. He wanted babies and lots of them. I wanted something simpler, no wife and kids for me, but a world of travel and adventure. I couldn't imagine staying in one place for all of this life. The world called to me. Take me Uri, I'm yours, it would say. Each night after I would tell Luka my secrets, I would dream of going to another land. And each night that dream would end with Luka coming to me in my fantasy and taking me of the floor of his bedroom.

"I like your name Uriel," he told me one night in his room after I told him I would be known internationally as Uri the Traveller. "I think you should use it more often." His voice was soft and it washed over me, cleansing my fear of the name, as a river would wash away the chemical poisons deposited along its shore. It was as if the voice of God spoke through him. It held a power I did not know Luka possessed and it changed me instantly. A power rooted, it seemed, in lifetimes past.

That's all it took. One compliment from Luka and I started introducing myself as Uriel again. Like a school girl who was told by her boyfriend that she was pretty while he undid her bra. It was enough for me to compromise what I thought I wanted - to ignore the name with which I was repeatedly christened. This is the power Luka had on my thoughts. I was in love with him and I would do anything to please him. It was this inherent flaw within me, the desire to please those I love, which led to me take a very large risk.

TakeAllOfMe: Come on cocksucker I know you want my fat meat in that tight hole.

The_Forth banned TakeAllOfMe and removed his messages.

"Whatever dude," Luka slapped my hand away and rushed toward me enveloping me in his massive arms. He could have crushed me and I'd have died a happy kid. My adolescent hormones had kicked in two years before and along with a healthy growth spurt and aching limbs, my desire for men came into my awareness like a freight train rushing toward a distant tunnel. I was going to give myself to this man if it cost me my time in history.

"Damn you grew cuz," he said smiling at me, ruffling my hair, and using a moniker he used when I was younger. It was a source of pride for me then. He used it whenever he referred to me, but never with any of my siblings. I would hear him call me that and sense the giddy smile that spread over my face. Even then he was my hero. Someone I looked up to, someone I wanted to be like. I always knew Luka would do exactly what he wanted to do. He was free and I wanted to be free. He would pursue his own course and mine was determined by a destiny of service.

CanisLupus2014: wow, your sexy!

CanisLupus2014 sent The_Forth 50 Tokens

The_Forth: Thanks honey, what's your pleasure?

CanisLupus2014: can I see your cock please? :blush

Hmmm... I like the gentle ones.

The_Forth: sure thing baby.

I slide my Aussie Bum undies down seductively and did a pirouette, sensuously rubbing my hand slowly over my ass and retuning it to cover my package. Agonizingly slowly I spread my figures letting my length squeeze through the cracks until it flowed out hanging in front of my soft, shaved balls.

CanisLupus2014: Holy shit your hot dude!

CanisLupus2014 sent The_Forth 50 Tokens

The_Forth: and what was that for?

CanisLupus2014: for being beautiful...

The_Forth: I could get used to this 

CanisLupus2014: so could I :drool

They are not all as innocent as they portray themselves to be. Many of them lie to me repeatedly. I know this, but it's hard not to let even the lies colour my feelings when someone is nice to me. I appreciate it more than they know. My time on this earth has been hard if not worthwhile; my cause, the greater good. In all senses I am the confessional for those who watch me. They tell me things they wouldn't tell anyone else. They unburden themselves and look at me for forgiveness, which I cannot grant, but repent they do, and as always I listen to their souls and see the pain they may inflicted upon others. And while they silently unburden themselves I stroke my cock to fullness and watch their words streaming across my screen. Their excitement generates the need within me. They heap praise as I get closer to my climax and I love seeing the power I possess translated into their lust for me. It's intoxicating. I lose myself in the drunkenness of their passion. Jerking myself and imagining his mouth closed around the head of my cock - always the one, always Luka. When I explode so do they. My orgasm broadcast to the world has the ripple effect of causing others to orgasm across international boundaries. My liquid essence translates flawlessly into a hundred languages, and they answer in kind.

CanisLupus2014 sends The_Forth 500 Tokens

Shit!

The_Forth: my you are eager

CanisLupus2014: can't seem to help myself

The_Forth: want to see me cum?

CanisLupus2014: of fuck do I ever!

CanisLupis2014: *oh

The_Forth: 500 more tokens buys you a private session with me and all of this.

I suck my figure slowly and run it across the underside of my cock now slumped over my leg. It responds just like it should with a jump of excitement.

Well I can't sell myself short!

CanisLupus2014 sends The_Forth 500 Tokens

CanisLupus2014 has sent you a private message.

CanisLupus2014: I'm not going to last long seeing you all sexy and touching yourself like that.

The_Forth: you just wait until you see me eating my own cum and then you can get off, but not until then.

CanisLupis2014: okay, whatever you say.

The_Forth: I'm going to password the room so you and I can have some privacy.

"Why are you locking the door?" He asked as I slid the latch closed.

"Because I have something to give you, and in order to give it to you I need some privacy," I said to him quietly.

He laughed nervously watching me approach him in the centre of the room. He backed away from my serious stare and when his knees hit the edge of his bed he sat on it looking embarrassed.

We were both horribly drunk and the sexual tension between us had grown to the point where I was ready to pull out my cock and cum all over his face in the middle of the living room with the rest of the family around. It was hard enough to get him to come with me back to his room when we were supposed to be celebrating his birthday, but now that I had him here there was no going back.

"What?" He asked. "You already gave me the necklace Uri."

"This is your real present," I pushed him back violently and hopped up onto his chest, my legs pinning his arms to the bed, I bent down and covered his mouth with my own before he could react.

For a spit second I was in heaven. I hovered on the edge of paradise. His mouth was hard and soft at the same time he pushed back toward me a little with his lips and pressed into my hard cock through my jeans. He tasted like vodka, and the stubble on his 21-year old today chin scratched across my lips in what I can only describe as the most exquisite pain I have ever experienced. Like all moments in time, however, the realization that it could never, ever be any better than this moment right now, came crashing to an end much quicker than I had hoped.

He heaved me off of him and I went sprawling across the bed and fell off of the end and onto my ass as he got up and came at me.

"What the fuck was that," he got into my face really close and I could feel the heat radiating off him. He grabbed me by the shirt and pulled his right fist back ready to punch me in the face.

It could have been anger, but it felt like more to me.

"I want you Luka. I want you badly. I want you to take me right here in your bedroom on this floor!" I was begging him and my words were slightly slurred with alcohol, but it only made me sound more seductive. I reached over and slid my hand in his pants and grabbed his cock, which responded instantly by growing in my hand.

His expression turned from outrage to fear and he dropped his fist and backed away from me quickly.

"No Uri, this is wrong."

I had him now though, I felt his passion respond to me and there was no stopping me now.

CanisLupus2014: ok, what's the password?

"Don't tell me that," I spat more angrily then I felt, but my emotion was spilling out of me and I had little control over it now. I was face to face with him, and he pressed himself against the wall as far as he could but made no move to push me away. I placed my hands on his hips and slowly moved them toward the centre of his waist and the button to his pants. I looked down quickly and could see him holding his breath. His belly was indented where my fingers were, like he was keeping his skin away from my hands. I undid the button quickly and lowered his zipper noiselessly.

"Uriel, no," he whispered, but there was no fight left in his voice.

"Shhhhh…, let me do this," I pleaded and dropped to my knees. I released his now hard member and engulfed the whole of him in one slow swallow. The intensity of the experience was enough to make us both moan. Him like a man ready to cum, and me like an old whore who hadn't had a cock in her mouth in a decade. I savoured the scent of his masculine pubic patch as I pressed my mouth onto his groin. He returned the feeling by moaning louder and grabbed my head to press me even deeper into his crotch. I loved every moan and movement he made in response to my mouth working his cock.

CanisLupus2014: Forth? What's the password dude?

He was getting close, I could tell from his breathing and he humping my face now with an intensity that bordered on force. I couldn't stop it now if I wanted to, and I certainly didn't want to. I just doubled my efforts and sucked his cock even harder. If it was possible he actually grew even more just before blowing his load all over the back of my throat with a yell that was sure to bring the family running down the corridor at any moment. I swallowed every once of him. Every drop tasted like gold to me. It spread around my insides like pure energy.

I thought Luka would be spent in his drunken stupor, which would be the perfect excuse tomorrow to brush this off as some drunken fading memory. I thought I would be lucky if he acknowledged it ever happening, but the object of my lust was to surprise me. Instead of hanging his head in shame and slinking out of the room as I had expected, he became sexually charged, pulled me roughly to my feet and began ravishing my mouth with his hungry kisses. His tongue lashed mine repeated, and my head swam. This was the kiss I had dreamed of. This was what I wanted. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to feel what I felt for him.

He broke our kiss long enough to stare deeply into my eyes.

"What is it about you Uriel that makes me want to break all the rules with you?" He asked breathlessly.

My response was simply to kiss him back harder than he kissed me before and he in turn reached around me, pulled me into him and grabbed my ass, squeezing the life from it. I loved every handful he was taking and I ground my pelvis into his crotch frotting with him through our denim. He lifted me effortlessly and almost ran back across the room to his bed, he dropped me on the bed but never left my embrace landing on top of me with a squeak of the bedsprings, our mouths still firmly planted together.

CanisLupus2014: hey Forth you still there?

He tore my clothes off frantically and looked at me with such desire I almost cried. He did love me. His eyes said what he probably never would, but in this moment, seeing his true feeling for me, there was nothing I could do. I was his, and always would be. He kissed me again and then lifted me from the bed and placed me on the floor. He took a pillow off of the bed, lifted my head gently and placed it underneath me. He kissed every part of me, slowly, dangerously slowly. It was agony watching him kiss my chest, each nipple, my stomach and navel, running his tongue into it and around the soft nub inside. He kissed each side of my waist, my arms, my thighs, my calves, and my feet. He kissed each toe with as much feeling as he had kissed my mouth earlier. I was near the edge, but he wasn't done with me yet.

He moved to his nightstand and opened it never taking his eyes from mine. I knew what he was getting and I was so ready for this moment I doubted that he would need the lube that was now dripping from its bottle onto his growing cock. He worked it all over his dick kneeling down to crouch between my legs.

I lifted my heels to the ceiling and he whimpered as he played with my pucker. I stretched it for him and saw the unbridled lust it created deep within him. He moved slowly placing the tip gently against me, and in one quick movement my ass swallowed his cock. It practically pulled him in and I was as surprised as he was by how easy it had been. Sure I was with guys before, but none as big as Luka. He filled me to capacity, but it was like he was made to be there. It fit like a key in a lock. Leaning into me he worked me over like a pro and I thrashed and moaned until I couldn't take it any longer. Without touching my cock I looked into his eyes and told him I was going to cum. He grabbed me then and jerked me off as he continued to pound into me with that wonderful dick of his. The combination of his dick in my ass, his eyes locked on mine, and the love I saw in him made me lose complete control and I launched ropes of thick cum through the air. Some landed on my face some splashed on his chest as he heaved over me, and the rest found it's place on my stomach where he almost bent himself in half to slurp it off of me and then offered to kiss me with my essence still dripping off his tongue. I sucked his tongue hard and it was enough to feel him grow again only this time he was in my ass. He blew so hard I was sure I could feel his seed coating the length of my intestines. Collapsing on top of me he breathed heavily and slowly pulled from me and rolled over onto his back panting.

I was fearful suddenly that now that it was over he would reject me. Call me the fag that I was and kick me out of his life having seduced him on his birthday. But he turned to me when I was silent and propped his head on his elbow to look at me. I held my breath in anticipation of the rejection I was sure I was about to feel. He leaned over with a smile on his face and kissed me again.

"My Uriel," he breathed. "You have a magic over me," he whispered, "and I'm powerless against it. You really are an angel aren't you?" And with that he sealed my fate for the remaining six months that we lived together we never slept apart. He left for America as he always said he would. On that day my heart broke, and I lost myself.

I watched the private message notice blinking on my screen.

What am I doing? I am Uriel. Forth of the Archangels. Dealer of Repentance. My brothers, my ancient kin called to me through the ages and I have ignored their voices. Now, it was time for me to confess, and to do that, I would need to go home.

I closed the computer, the message still blinking. Somewhere in another part of the world a lonely man would be waiting for an even lonelier angel. This would be better for both of them.