Self Desruct - 1. Chapter 1

This wasn't good.

I absently played with my lighter, looking out the window one more time, as if I could make the sun come up through sheer force of will. Flicking the lighter again, I began wishing I hadn't smoked my last few “emergency†cigarettes an hour ago. I held the lighter higher in front of my face and reached out a finger toward the flame.

“No,†I said, tossing the lighter away from myself. Curling my hand into a fist, I held it to my chest and took a deep breath. Fire wasn't a toy and I knew that.

I knew that.

I looked across the room to where the lighter had landed when I threw it, and then back out the window.

“NO!†I said, more forcefully this time. I looked completely away from that side of the room, needing to focus on anything else. A cat walked across the street as I looked out the window. The street lamps were on, but I could see a few stars twinkling in the sky. The moon, however, was nowhere to be found.

Too early for joggers, I thought, Cody will still be in bed.

“Cody will still be in bed….â€

I don't know why I said it out loud. Maybe to make it more real, maybe just to hear a sound, any sound at all. Part of me knew that I shouldn't be alone while I was in a mood like this, but another part didn't want to wake anyone up at four in the morning because that just felt rude. People may tell you to call them any time, but few appreciate it when you take them up on the offer.

Cody was different, though. He was, after all, my roommate, so he knew what I was like when I was in a mood like this. He also knew what I tended to do to myself and, on more than one occasion, had stopped me. He wouldn't care if I went down the hall and woke him up. Would he?

I walked to the door that led out of my room and paused with my hand on the doorknob. Generally I slept with my door open, but for the past few hours I had wanted my privacy…and didn’t want to let on to Cody that I was still awake and pacing around my room, quite literally, thinking about playing with fire. I took a deep breath and turned the knob, tensing as the old hinges squeaked through the silent hallway.

I could see his room from my doorway.

In contrast, his door was open and the light from outside spilled into his room and into the hallway, almost making a path from my room to his. Nervously, I stepped into the hall, intentionally avoiding the beam of light. The voice in my head was screaming at me to just go back into my room and leave Cody alone, but my feet weren't listening, and in four short steps, I found myself outside his door, still not wanting to step into the light. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, and could hear Cody's light, rhythmic breathing.

Another deep breath.

And another.

I stepped into the light, my hand resting on the doorframe.

Cody was lying facing away from the door, wrapped in blankets. His hair was sticking up in odd places, and I could see the color and curve of his neck as it disappeared into the covers, and watched the rise and fall of the sheets as he was breathing. He was beautiful when he was asleep.

Hell, who was I kidding? He was beautiful when he was awake.

Suddenly, I felt creepy and self-conscious. I was lurking in a doorway, watching my roommate sleep. It was like a scene from a horror movie. The voice in my head was still telling me to go to my own room, that it wasn't too late and he'd never need to know. There must have been something wrong with my legs, because they still weren't listening.

Standing next to Cody's bed I realized, somewhat belatedly, that I probably should have put on something more than just a pair of boxers. I wondered if, perhaps, I hadn't thought my cunning plan all the way through. I knew, though, that if I went back to my room to change, the voice would win and I wouldn't come back. So, as gently as I could, I laid down on the edge of the bed, facing away from Cody.

Immediately, he rolled over, lifted up the edge of the blanket, and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. His bare chest was hot against my back, and I tensed at the feeling of skin on skin. The palm of his hand rested on my stomach, his fingers gently rubbing up and down.

“It's ok, Jake. Everything is going to be ok. Just breathe.â€

I did as he said, taking deep breaths that matched his. Gradually, I began to relax.

“Don't worry,†Cody said softly, “I’m here. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.â€

I placed my hand on his and he adjusted his fingers so they were intertwined with mine and squeezed me with his arm.

“G'night, Jake.â€

Eventually, we both fell asleep.