Matt Howes - Tragedy and Fear - 3. Chapter 3

We sat there for what felt like an eternity but were probably only a few seconds. “You may well be right” I said in a small voice.

“I thought so” Erin smiled at me, “Let’s get out of here and really talk about stuff.”

Part of me felt relieved that I was able to admit, for the first time out loud, one of my fears; but part of me felt like puking on the carpet right there. What was I doing? What was I letting myself in for? What did this mean for me and my future? What would my family think – if they ever found out?

That’s it! No-one need ever know. This could just be an anonymous conversation with a stranger in a distant transit hotel. It would stay between two people who would never see each other again and be like a shriek in the night – scary and uncertain at the time but gone and forgotten in the cool light of day.

I swallowed hard and looking at him said, “Your place or mine?” As the words came out of my mouth I couldn’t have thought of a cornier line.

Erin smiled “We have to share rooms on lay-overs so it would probably be best in yours as I’m guessing you are on your own?”

We headed over to lifts and waited in silence for one to arrive and take us up to the 24^th floor. We both kept glancing and smiling at each other, although I did not feel mine was confident and it showed.

I waved my pass card over the lock and opened the door to my suite. I was thankful my Diamond status had put me into a room with a separate living area as at least it meant we weren’t confronted with having to sit on the bed.

“Nice room! I wish we got this level of accommodation.” Erin looked around.

“A ‘perk’ of too much travel” I grumbled back, although it was nice, “The room service menu is on the desk – order what you would like – I’m just going to get rid of some of these vodkas” and wandered through the bedroom to the bathroom.

“Did you want anything?” I heard Erin call from the sitting room.

“Just grab me a bowl of fries, thanks” I answered back, finishing up and washing my hands.

I wandered back into the sitting room and Erin mentioned that he needed to use the bathroom also, “Straight through there” I waved at him, “Do you want another drink from the mini-bar?”

“Just something soft” he said as he went out of the room.

He came back into the sitting room and sat on the couch, thanking me for the soft drink I put down in front of him.

My conflicted state of mind had not dissipated in any way; I was still torn between the opportunity to talk about my fears or shoving them right back down to where they had comfortably resided for years.

“I’ve never really done anything like this” I said to Erin quietly.

“I was guessing that was the case. We don’t have to do anything more than talk” he said smiling at me. “You aren’t in a good place. I don’t intend to put any pressure on you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable saying or doing. I just want to see that you are safe and put thoughts of harm out of your mind.”

We were shortly disturbed by the doorbell signaling the arrival of the room service food. I got up, let the waiter in and signed for our order. “Tuck in” I pointed at the trolley.

We made small talk as we ate the order, Erin had asked for a club sandwich and I had a few of the fries, still not feeling that hungry – more nervous.

Having finished eating, Erin sat back against the couch and looking straight at me said “Let’s unpack what’s going on shall we?” Nothing like straight to the point although he had been pretty direct most of the night.

“Well…” I said, drawing out a long breath “Where do I start? As I said before I’ve never done anything like this before, and I mean even talk about this with anyone. Sure there were adolescent fumbles, which I enjoyed and made me question my sexuality, but they never went anywhere. My stepfather was pretty religious in an unhealthy fundamentalist kind of way and while he managed to ‘begrudgingly accept’ my complete lack of faith in ‘sky friends’ his stance on homosexuality was clear – no way, not ever acceptable. I knew that I would never be able to even discuss alternatives with either of them. They had clear ideas of who we were and what we were to be. As I said, they wanted me to do medicine and would have cut me off had I dropped out without changing to another acceptable alternative profession like law.”

Erin just sat quietly listening to what I had to say.

“I probably tried to explore my gay side a bit more when I went to Uni, I went out to a couple of gay clubs in Collingwood and Richmond once or twice, but was always too nervous to do anything other than look around. I had my fair share of girlfriends and the sex was usually ok but became ‘vanilla’ pretty soon. My last girlfriend before I met my wife challenged me when she broke off the relationship to explore her same sex attraction – that was an opportunity for me to look at myself I guess, which I sadly never embraced.”

I paused to see his reaction and he still just sat there quietly looking at me. “Go on” he said.

“Well, I supposed I just settled into the expected routine of hetro-normality! We got married, had lots of friends, partied, travelled, bought property, and moved around to other countries, blah-blah-blah, but avoided children – because of my fears not hers. My wife always wanted to start a family and have a few kids. It was my fears of being a crap parent – from my poor relationship with my stepfather – and my conflict within myself regarding who I was which made me refuse. It was probably the most contentious issue between us and almost came to us breaking up a couple of times.”

“However, now it has all changed.” I sighed. “I’m at a crossroad of sorts. I can plod on with my new ‘widowed’ reality – maybe conform to expectations of finding a new woman after a suitable mourning period; deal with the elephant in my head; or I guess ignore it and make it all go away.”

“The last choice is not an option just in case you are getting any ideas” Erin said to me quickly, but smiled.

He shifted a little closer to me on the couch and placed his hand on my leg. I looked down at it, but didn’t move out of the way.

“I’m not making you feel uncomfortable am I?” He asked me.

“I don’t know what to think or feel” I said very quietly.

“I know what; I’ll give you a massage,” he exclaimed. “You’re really stressed out by all this. There doesn’t have to be anything in it other than a relaxing massage. I won’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable” he reminded me. “I’m pretty good at massage; I’ve done a few programs to learn.”

I figured why the hell not. We had gone this far. I had opened up to him more than I had opened to anyone before. He was a nice guy - and a nice looking guy, and he had been open and honest with me. While he had mentioned he was gay, he hadn’t pressured me to do any more than talk. “Ok, why not” I smiled at him.

“I’ll pop down to my room and get some supplies. I’ll be back in a second.”

As he left to go my fears rose up again. What kind of ‘supplies’ was he off to get? I wasn’t sure I wanted to get any more physical than the proposed massage at this point, despite any fantasies born of fiction and porn.

A soft knock on the door alerted me to Erin’s return, opening it I noticed he had changed into a t-shirt and track pants.

He was shorter than me by about 6 cm but was stocky and obviously went to the gym and looked after himself. Well defined without being muscle bound he had a good body, flat stomach and round arse. He was obviously a natural redhead as the hair on his arms and peeking over his shirt neck-line matched his head and close cropped beard. He was the type of guy I lusted over in my porn watching sessions. He must have been in his late twenties to early thirties – we hadn’t actually talked about that!

I, on the other hand was an unfit 50 years old. I had lost thirty kilograms so wasn’t obese but flabby due to being ill, and lost any muscle condition I had from having been in hospital for so long. I was bald and my normally full beard was patchy due to having fallen out as result of the chemo, in fact almost all my hair everywhere had fallen out with the exception of my eyebrows. I’m not the sort of specimen I would have been attracted to!

“Welcome back” I smiled inviting him back in, “how do you want to do this?”

“I guess we head to the bedroom, chuck a towel down on the bed and lose some of those clothes” he replied.

Wandering through to the bathroom to get some towels Erin followed me.

“What do you see in me?” I asked bluntly.

“I’ve already told you, someone who is hurting who needs some help – that’s all.”

While I may have decided to throw some degree of caution to the wind and despite my acceptance and agreement I was still conflicted and confused.

We spread out the towels on the king bed and I turned away to take off my shirt and jeans, leaving my Calvin Klein boxers on. I tried to hide the ugly, angry surgical scar which ran from below my sternum to my pubic bone where they had opened me to remove the cancerous tumors.

“Don’t worry about that, it’s part of who you are” he said to me gently. “Some scars are on the inside and some on the outside.”

I gave him a weak smile back and gestured should I lie down, he nodded at me and I lay down on my stomach as he climbed on the side of the bed. I heard the cap of a bottle click open and him rub his hands together. “Just going to get this oil warmed up a bit for you” he said.

He started slowly massaging my back and down my arms. He really did know what he was doing and seemed to be able to quickly hone in on just where there was tension. He moved down to my legs and feet, slowly and firmly massaging me; occasionally checking in with me that the pressure was not too firm or uncomfortable. Moving back up my legs he said “Let’s lose these boxers; I’ll keep the towel over you.”

I hesitated but then allowed him to help slip them down while pulling a towel on. He gently massaged my buttocks and commented on the condition I had lost.

“Time to flip you over” he said quietly and I slowly turned to lie on my back. To this point I had managed to keep any thoughts of becoming aroused suppressed, but I wasn’t sure how long that would remain once he started to massage my front.

There was this good looking, fit young man – the type of body I lusted after in my fantasies - sitting on the edge of my bed with me now naked except for a towel, massaging me.

He started to work his magic over my chest and arms. “You make need to avoid my stomach, it’s still pretty tender” I warned him.

He just looked at me softly and said “I know what I’m doing.”

“Isn’t that the truth” I smiled back at him.

“I’m going to get a bit more comfortable” he said and removed his t-shirt. He was beautiful. A well-defined chest and abdomen with a generous covering of red hair which lead down to a trail which disappeared into his track pants, he was gym fit but not a muscle hound. Powerful freckled arms with the same colored dusting of hair as on his chest, he was a real bloodnut. He smiled at me as he noticed me staring at him but didn’t say a word.

He massaged my legs slowly moving up toward my groin. I felt his fingers gently brush against my balls and then slowly move the towel to one side.

“Are we still ok” he looked at me?

I swallowed hard and just nodded slightly. “The moment you feel uncomfortable you just say so and I will stop” he reminded me.

“It’s ok” I managed to squeak out.

He put some more oil onto his hands and started to massage my dick. His hands were firm and warm and the oil sensual as he roamed across my groin. Rolling my balls in one hand while jacking me slowly with his other I felt his fingers brush towards my hole. I tensed up and he instantly sensed that. “I don’t think I’m ready to go there” I looked at him.

He smiled at me and moved his fingers back. Suddenly he moved his head down and gently took my dick into his mouth, pushing back my foreskin and tonguing around head. Pausing, he looked up and again said “are we still ok?”

“Shit yes” was all I could get out. I had not had a blowjob for years. My sex life had dried up following the birth of our son and the only satisfaction I received for some time was courtesy of my own hand. Erin was a master and kept sucking on my dick and swirling on the head with varying intensity for what seemed like ages. His ability to bring me to near climax and then dial it back was incredible.

“I’m going to cum any moment” I cried out.

“Not yet, I want it to last a bit longer. I want you to experience what you may be throwing away” he said to me.

He stopped what he was doing and went back to gently massaging me. He moved up the bed and stared into my eyes. Very gently he brushed his lips over mine, hesitating to see if I would respond.

I gave him a light kiss and soon we were both passionately locked in a deep tongue war.

“Let me look at you, I want to see all of you” I said to him.

He slowly got up from the bed and slid down his track pants and briefs. He was gorgeous, what was perfect up top continued down below. Powerful fit legs and a large cock hung over his ample balls; he must have been at least 18cm long (7 inches), cut and thick, bigger and thicker than me. His pelt continued – this was all man, no clippers came near this body!

I reached out to touch his cock and feel his heat; he smiled at me and asked if I liked what I saw. “It’s beautiful; you’re beautiful” was all I could say. I slowly jacked his dick with some uncertainty given the only dick I had really played with was my own.

“I’d like to try and suck you off” I said to him “but I’ve never really done this before.”

“I’d like that too. Just take it slowly and mind the teeth” he grinned.

I turned around to face his cock. It stood proudly from his thick pubes. His nuts hanging below were firm and round. I reached out to grip his dick and slowly put my lips around the head. It was firm yet spongy on my tongue. A small amount of precum was leaking from his slit and I was surprised there was no real taste to this. I started to roll my tongue around his large cock head and went to try and fit more of his cock into my mouth. “Careful of your teeth” he hissed quietly.

I looked up and mumbled “sorry” to him.

“That’s ok, just don’t try too hard” he answered me.

I felt him take me into his mouth again. He was a master at this. He had no trouble taking the length of my dick all the way down to where my pubes would have been had there been any. I felt my orgasm start to build again and this time I was not going to be able to hold back. “I’m going to cum this time” I cried out and Erin just continued to pleasure my cock until I erupted into his mouth. He didn’t break stride taking all of my cum and swallowing it.

I must have improved my cocksucking technique to some degree because he made no more comments about being hurt. I could feel he was getting close to his own orgasm. I wanted to return the favor and swallow his load but I just wasn’t sure if I could or not. I felt him tense up and I pulled off just as he began to spew his cum, continuing to jack his dick.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t swallow you” I said quietly.

“No worries, you did well to get where you got” he smiled at me.

“That was wonderful” I said to him.

“I hope it’s somewhat restored your faith in humanity or at least the will to live” he replied.

While feeling the fantastic afterglow of orgasm, deep down those nagging feelings still lurked. I wasn’t going to ruin the moment with talking about them again however.

I turned around to face him and we fell into another long passionate kiss.

We lay there in silence just cuddling together and at some stage must have drifted off to a deep sleep.

I woke the next morning feeling better than I had for some time. I stretched out in the king bed but there was no-one else there. I sat up and said “Erin?” thinking maybe he was using the bathroom, but there was no reply.

I got out of bed and wandered around the room. I noticed a note folded on the desk in the sitting room.

Dear Matt

You are a valued and valuable person. There are many who have obviously benefited from your ability and should have the chance to continue to do so.

You will make the right choices when you are ready; I think you are already on your way.

I hope I was able to show you your life is worth something. I enjoyed our time together last night.

All the best in your discovery.

With lots of love

Erin

I closed the note and sat on the couch staring at the paper in my hand. I felt quietly calm, for the first time in some weeks.

I knew I would not likely ever see him again, there was no email or phone number on the note; yet he had touched my very core, a stranger who had been a friend.

I took a shower and made my way up to the Executive Lounge for breakfast. I had a couple of hours before the next flight back to the Middle East; back to ‘home’ and decisions and directions to be determined.

For now, I’m still alive...