A Conversation With My Muse - 3. Chapter 3: Loss

“I had a grandfather once,” he said, blowing out a slow stream of smoke. His eyes clouded over in remembrance as he stared at the flag that fluttered in the breeze.

“Oh?” asked a tall male with red-banged black hair. The males’ tail curled on one thigh as he put the book he had been reading to the side before sending the swinging chair moving again. He watched as Sunny took another drag off of his cigarette and blew out the sweet smelling smoke.

“Yeah. I had a couple of them actually. And a couple of grandmothers,” Sunny finally said, watching the palm trees sway lightly in the breeze, before following the path of a raven. “They’re all gone though. Died during my high school years for various reasons.”

“Haven’t you lost more than them?” the cat asked, shifting so that his knees were pulled up, resting his head on them. Watching the sad, soft smile flutter over full lips, he hummed as Sunny sipped his iced tea, once more watching the palm trees.

“Yeah, I have,” Sunny hummed. “I don’t talk about them often because…well, I don’t want pity. I don’t need it. Can not stand it. And I won’t give it, Cherry.”

“Why not?” Cherry asked curiously.

“Because pity is nothing more than a pathetic attempt at understanding the persons’ pain. It’s insulting on top of it,” Sunny said, jabbing the cigarette stub into ash like sand. Tapping the pack against his legs, he sighed and shook his head. “I don’t try to understand some one’s pain. I don’t really want to. I carry my fair share of hurt and pain and hatred. And I know this. I don’t hide it.”

“I see,” Cherry hummed quietly. “Whom have you lost?” he finally asked after a few minutes of just swinging back and forth, while Sunny kept playing with the pack in his hands.

“The first person I can remember losing was a great uncle that I have vague memories of. I was in Junior High at the time; 7th grade if I remember correctly. My aunt had called my mom that day and told her that he had died during a nap. It was painless, apparently. We didn’t come down for his funeral; no money and no time to do it,” he said, shoving a bit of his hair back.

Cherry nodded and grabbed a small bag from the side of the swing before digging around. Pulling out a long pipe, he packed it full of tobacco and lit it before slowly drawing on it.

“That’s sad,” he said, slowly blowing out a long stream of smoke at a curious cat and watching it bat at the smoke. Smiling, his tail twitching, he turned back to the other male.

“It was sad in the way that I don’t even remember him, or his name, and he was one of the few people in my family I was supposed to know,” Sunny snorted, shifting so he could stretch out and lean against a pillow. He smiled sadly just as the cat jumped into his lap. Stroking behind its orange-colored ear, he continued with a hum, “How did you get out, Frosting? Doesn’t your mommy have a screen door to keep you in?”

“She does, but he still gets out,” Cherry snorted, smiling at the name. “Who was the next person you lost?”

“Ah, it was when I was a freshman in high school. I got the call the night before my mid-terms were to start. To tell you the truth, that threw off my entire schedule. I was kinda sitting there, listening to a series of music tapes that a friend had made for me and working on my math notes, when another friend called me,” Sunny replied, stroking a hand down Frosting’s sleek back. “Alanna had died earlier that day, apparently of a major asthma attack. She wasn’t able to get to her inhaler and…well...it just wasn’t a very nice way to go. No one was home.”

“So she died on her own,” the youkai breathed, shaking his head slightly. “That had to suck.”

“It did, since if someone had been home like they were supposed to, she would have lived,” Sunny said, snorting as he drew out a fresh cigarette from his pack. Putting it between his lips, he struck a match and lit it before waving the match to put it out. Dropping it into the sandy ash, he settled back once more.

“What do you mean by that?” Cherry asked before pressing his lips around the end of his pipe, drawing in some of the sweet smoke.

“I mean that her asthma was so bad that she had to have someone with her at all times, no ifs, ands, or buts about it,” Sunny replied, his voice bitter. “Her brother left her alone to run to the corner store, apparently. He told her he was going to be gone for five minutes and no more. Yeah, right. He ended up getting high with some friends and was gone for three hours, the last half hour of which she died alone. He ended up in jail for about six months for the weed usage.”

“Now that sucks,” Cherry breathed out, white smoke floating around his head as he watched Sunny take a slow drag. Watching him slowly exhale, he shook his head and scratched the cat’s head as she came over to bat at his tail.

“Yeah, big time. After I lost her, I lost my friend. Her name was Nikki. Nicole really, but we called her Nikki. Gods, she was kicking. She was killed in a hit and run,” Sunny continued, his voice softening with remembrance. “She was going to be a senior that year and I was going to be a junior. We were one month away from starting a new year. That year was not a good year for me. Nor was senior year, really.”

“Did you go to her funeral?” Cherry asked, tapping his spent tobacco into the can before putting his pipe aside. Sunny shook his head with a sigh.

“Nope. Her body wasn’t exactly salvageable. If she had lived she would have ended up on crutches or a cane even after years of physical therapy,” Sunny replied, watching Cherry nod and nibble his lip. “I didn’t go to my other friends’ funeral either.”

“Why not?”

“I was 16 and couldn’t get out of school for it at the time. I don’t think it would have been a good thing for me anyway. After I lost her, I lost my grandfather, two days after Christmas mind you. That just kinda fucked the whole holiday over for me in the long run. Hell, I don’t do trees any more. I have a little ceramic one that I inherited from my grandmother that lights up,” he said, sitting up and kicking the swing into motion again. “We still decorate, but it’s still hard to look at the ornaments that I got from them.”

“I can understand that pain,” Cherry sighed quietly, his eyes closing as he enjoyed the breeze that brought the scent of rain with it.

“Yeah. They were both cremated. My aunt still has my grandfather’s ashes and we have my step-grandmother’s ashes. She died the April after grandfather did; of cancer. She…just didn’t want to live after losing him,” Sunny said softly, eyes sad. “I’m hoping to spread her ashes with his some day. Until then, after I get some cash, I’m gonna get her an urn. She’s sitting on the family bible at the moment.”

“Sounds nice, the spreading together part,” the youkai mused, a smile twitching his lips.

“Yeah, that was junior year of high school. The July before senior year, I lost my grandpa to a heart attack. Just dropped dead right in front of the hospital he was coming out of for his knee,” the small male replied, taking another drag of smoke. “We went down for his funeral. Let me tell you, middle of July in Yuma, military funeral, black out fit and shoes that have heels on them? Not fun, not fun at all.”

“You wore heels?” Cherry asked, choking on the soda he was drinking.

“Low heeled shoes. They went with the outfit, damnit. My aunts wore three inch heeled shoes,” Sunny snorted, shaking his head with a sigh. “Anyway, we did the viewing and main part of the funeral in the main chapel and then the 7-Gun Salute and the flag folding outside under sun top. Made it easier.”

“Did you cry then?” Cherry asked after several moments of silence.

“Not then. I cried when I heard. I cried in private. But never in front of my family. I was called a cold hearted bitch by a few of my friends when they asked me and I said no,” Sunny replied, snorting. “They asked if I cried at the funeral though and not when I was alone. Or when I was mourning with my grandmother.”

“That…why?” Cherry asked.

“Because I’m the second oldest of all of my cousins and me and my mother are expected to be the strong ones,” Sunny said with a cold voice. “We’re not allowed to publicly mourn. We have to be the ones to support the family. It’s not fun and we don’t do it any more than needed. Of course, my grandma died of heart break that November. Ended up spending the last three weeks of that month there for the funeral, and then the rest selling off her estate.”

“Fun times,” Cherry said, sarcasm dripping from every word.

“Oh, yes. One aunt trying to control the way things go, another aunt breaking down, my uncles being rather useless in helping since they’re trying to deal with my aunts and my mom and me just trying to figure things out. Finished up with my mom separating out most things. We kept most of grandmas’ jewelry,” Sunny finished, sighing quietly and shoving a bit of hair back.

“Was she buried or was she cremated?” Cherry asked.

“Buried right next to grandfather with a poem by me, pictures of the family and a picture of her and granddad,” Sunny replied, stabbing his cigarette into the sandy ash. “Haven’t lost anyone else since. Which is a good thing since I don’t think I can stand that pain any more.”

“I feel ya,” Cherry sighed and saluted the flag. “What happened to your grandfather’s flag?”

“It’s waiting to be sealed in my moms drawer,” Sunny said, shifting to sit up as the flag above them started to move faster with the wind.

“I see,” Cherry hummed, eyes trained on the flag. “So why are you telling me this?”

“Because it’s Memorial Day, and I wanted to remember them. I miss them, no matter what people say.”

“You’re not a cold hearted bitch.”

“I know. I hurt too much to be one.”